Category Archives: Volume LII Issue III
Vote For Me
BY Dankum
Stage Technician Becomes Presidential Favorite After Wonderful Performance Behind Microphone at Debate
BY Sue DeNimm
Saw a Cool Bird
At the midpoint of the historical September 26th presidential debate, the world watched in awe as underdog candidate George D’Onofrio won the hearts of moderators and audience members with his incredible performance that sprung him into the lead for the job as President of the United States. Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton was in the middle of answering her proposed question of how she will deal with a possible nuclear threat in North Korea when the power in the microphones went out, and D’Onofrio was at the rescue. For twenty minutes he was on stage working at the podiums, reconfiguring the wires, and looking like he was in control of the whole situation.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said lucky audience member Sally Hornsby, “He was so proficient, so graceful.”
Many watchers seemed skeptical of his ability to run the country better than Clinton or Trump at the beginning, but it was his memorable words that convinced both parties’ supporters to rally behind him.
“We are currently doing everything we can to fix the situation, we appreciate your patience” were the first words he addressed to the nation, and after they were uttered the audience erupted in fervent cheer chanting his name. Once the electricity was back on the debate continued without D’Onofrio, but there was a clear lack of energy in the air without the man. One thing was clear at the end of this debate, this man will surely be the man running our country in 2017.
Odell Beckham Jr. Upset Rutgers Lost Against Iowa
BY Mike Hawk
Patriots Fan
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ— This Sunday during the Giants vs Redskins game Odell became a little emotional. A closer look at the game shows that he actually shed a tear.
Our sources began to get to work to get to the source of why Odell would actually cry during a football game. It couldn’t possibly be because he is passionate about what he does for a living and would want his team to win; no way José.
Further Investigation brought to light that Odell was actually upset that our very own Scarlet Knights had lost their own game the day before. OBJ is apparently a huge fan of the Rutgers football program and even chants “Fuck Penn State” at every 3rd down during his teammates what they thought about their very own teammate crying during their game. Eli Manning had this to say:
“I just miss Peyton man.” Judging off his statement and his performance during Sunday’s game, Eli certainly doesn’t have his head in the game at the moment and will need to pull himself together if he wants to perform well against the Vikings on Monday.
We tried to get a hold of the Giants wide receiver Victor Cruz so he could provide a statement but he wouldn’t stop dancing.
Odell played his heart out and we should all be grateful as Scarlet Knights that he cares so much about our team. Some may say even more than some of our own fans care about how well we do. We can all learn a thing or two from OBJ.
It is clear to see that the Giants need to get their act together if they want to do well this season and be a contender for the post season. It is time we show the same kind of passion and support Odell has shown us and win our next game vs Ohio. If not for ourselves, do it for OBJ.
NFL Player Get in Trouble for Doing Things
BY Concerned Individual
Usually Concerned
New York—Rashaad Johnson was fined for doing very inappropriate things yesterday morning. The NFL anticipating a lot of blowback from this incident released a statement regarding the issue.
“Rashaad Johnson was immediately fined after his actions came to light. Rashaad knows very well that what he did is deeply prohibited by the rules of the NFL. These rules are put in place so that the image of the league is not tarnished by the actions of it’s players. We hope Rashaad issues an apology stating what he has done was absolutely wrong, insuring the league, and everyone else that it will never happen again.”
We reached out to Rashaad for a statement and he had this to say.
“I am very sorry about my actions recently. The things I have done were of poor and ill judgement and I can firmly say that it will never happen again. I only ask that the league, my teammates, and everyone else I have hurt can find the strength in their hearts to forgive me. Thank you.”
Rashaad seems to be deeply remorseful following his heinous actions of referring to his sandwich as ‘Taylor Ham’.
The public can only hope he learnes his lesson and refers to the sandwich as it’s correct term ‘Pork roll’ from now on.
Which STD Is Your Best Weapon?
BY Traitorous Gumball
At Rutgers University, we take great pride in our STD rate. In fact, we collect them like trading cards, Pokemon, bellybutton lint, or whatever else people collect. This is because Rutgers has a high crime rate. Therefore, the students need a new way to defend themselves in the face of these unconstitutional laws. Turns out that if you collect STDs in jars, they can be quite useful for defending yourself! Use this guide to see how each STD will help you to stay safe.
Herpes: This is most likely the easiest STD to get. Unfortunately, it is quite wimpy– it’s essentially just mildly annoying. Herpes cannot cause death, infertility, and is linked to nothing significant. However, the stigma is quite great, so herpes can be useful as a deterrent.
Crabs: These are closer to insects than diseases and should thus be avoided, unless you plan to use them as attack or guard pets.
Ghonorrhea: This might be difficult to believe, but many people hope to graduate college, settle down with a loved one, and reproduce. Sounds like hell to me, personally. Anyway, ghonorrhea can cause infertility, making it a particularly effective STD to threaten people into leaving you alone. Most criminals would steer clear of somebody carrying gonorrhea, as engaging them could prevent the existence of future baby criminals, and could lead to an extinction. It’s what happened to the hippies.
Syphilis: This is a particularly fun one to use. Syphilis is best used to attack the mind, rather than the body. That’s because it can cause early-onset dementia. As a child, have you ever wanted to slowly beat a childhood bully until they could no longer remember their name? With Syphilis, you can!
HIV/AIDS: This is it– This is the STD you want. It is incurable, like herpes. It can kill you, like syphilis. It’s even linked to cancer, like hepatitis! The only shortcoming of AIDS is that it can’t cause infertility. The bottom line is, if you want an STD that’s a terrifying jack of all trades, go with HIV. Nobody in their right mind would mess with you.
As you can see, you don’t need guns to be safe. In addition to conventional weapons like knives, squirrels, and chainsaws, you could also save your STDs! Fortunately, obtaining them is not difficult at all at Rutgers. So, stay safe– don’t use condoms.
I Do Not Consider Your Feast to Be a Tribute
BY King Neptune
You mortals sicken me. Each and every year, you attempt to pay tribute to I, Neptune, King of the Seas, and Protector of its Citizens in the dining halls of Rutgers with your “King Neptune Night.” But it is not a tribute. It is an insult. You do not bring me joy with this event, you bring me disgust. Stop eating my subjects.
Do you truly believe that to honor me, a God-King, you should take the loyal citizens of the sea, who bow down to me each and every day, and rip them from their homes? Do you think it acceptable to boil them alive? These lobsters and crabs belong to me. They come from my realm, yet you choose each year to strip them of their dignity and rob them of their lives. And for what? To satisfy your desires for sea food. This night is not about honoring me, it is about giving in to your gluttony, you heathens. How dare you blaspheme against I.
Each of my loyal subjects, the crabs, lobsters and salmon you call dinner, add to our society, and have families they feed. You do nothing but take from our realm without returning the favor. How would you feel if we held King God Night in my court, and the entire menu was made of your neighbors, friends and parents? Maybe we shall. I am sure each of you taste delicious when succuled and spitroasted over an underwater fire.
Each and every one of you who partook in this so called tribute sicken me. I do not care how good a piece of salmon tastes with cream cheese, nor do I care about the deliciousness of lobster with a garlic butter. These things do not concern me. What does concern me is how Pierre, my minister of finance was taken from his bed at night, and plunged into a cooking vessel where he was boiled alive. It also concerns me that the salmon who farm the kelp that we eat were taken, gutted and smoked, before being feasted on by a fat, sweaty engineering major in the Busch Dining Hall. Imagine the horror as I watched these atrocities be committed through the glass of water you drank.
My subjects have been taken from me. Each day I receive a report from my Ministers–not including Pierre–and each day the news is more and more of my people taken away from their homes. They are what make my realm great. Without them, I am without meaning. My trident has no power if it has no one to rule. As a result, I expect reparations from each attendee of the feasts of gluttony you consider to be a tribute to me. I will return my realm to its former glory, for I am Neptune, King of the seas, and all the citizens within.
If you do not repent for these sins, and give back to my realm, whether it be through you mortals ending the poaching of my citizens, or through the sacrifice of your people into my realm, I will flood your university. You built it on the banks of my home, and I always am looking for new additions to my realm. I am not joking about this, just ask the citizens of Atlantis who choose many millennia ago to have their own similar tribute to me. And in case that does not work, I will speak to my brother, Jupiter, and he will smite the survivors. Stop eating my subjects, I, Neptune, Ruler of the Deep, will not give you another warning.
I Wish the Nursing Home Would Provide Juice Without Pulp
BY Eleanor Feinstein
I don’t want to be a bother, because I really am grateful for everything Tulip Hills Nursing Home has done for me in my later stage in life. All the workers are just so lovely; there’s this one sweet, young lady named Lynne who cleans my room every morning. She’s an oriental, and she’s just stunning. But anyway, I really don’t want to be a nag, but if I had just one complaint, I would be so grateful if the food hall offered orange juice without the pulp.
There’s this one employee named Gabriela who wheels me out to the food hall every morning, and she’s incredible. She’s a Latin American, and she’s just so fiery. Some days, she tells me about her personal life, and she’s just so scandalous! I love it! Anyway, sometimes I tell her about the lack of a no-pulp option, and she knows how much I just hate to complain, and she has told me how much she hates it too, and how she will see what she can do. I know she tries her hardest, but I guess she just does not have the power to make a change like that.
And it’s really hard drinking pulp for an old women like me. I just hate to make a fuss, I really do; I don’t want people to think I’m a fusser, because I’m really not, but drinking the pulp is just so uncomfortable for a lady like me. It’s not the end of the world, but Frankie Stalone asked last week for everything bagels for his lox and cream cheese, and the food hall got it by the end of the week. I love Frankie, he’s just so charming; but I feel so ignored when they are able to get him bagels, but cannot get orange juice without the pulp.
I’m really sorry for complaining, I really am, but if the food hall could start service orange juice without pulp, that would make this little old lady just the happiest woman in the world.
The Change-Your-Major (Again) Quiz
BY Latin Mama
At this point, we’ve all changed our majors like fifty times, so,
what the hell, what’s one more time?! Take this quiz below to
see what you should change to this time, and pray that you
graduate on time!
1. Did you smoke a lot of weed in high school?
a. Smokin is for amateurs…I was supplying!
b. High school was a smokey blur.
c. I have never touched the devil’s lettuce.
2. War: yay or nay?
a. Make lots (and I mean lots) of love…not war.
b. Fuck yeah!
c. Conflict makes me nervous.
3. Who is your musical soulmate?
a. Phish, Bob Marley…JAH feel?
b. N.W.A., Snoog Dogg…err, I mean, Snoop Lion.
c. Weird Al Yankovic, baby!
Mostly A’s: Philosophy. Dude, this is the one major where you can get high all the time and contemplate the Universe…and get paid for it! This is every Pink Floyd-loving stoner’s dream, so go change your major now, but yeah, totally dude, finish rolling that fattie first!
Mostly B’s: Criminal Justice. You’ve been a delinquent your whole life…so no one better to catch them now but you! You know all the ins-and-outs and will make a great interrogating officer from all of those years sitting through your parents’ living room mock-interrogation sessions.
Mostly C’s: Chemistry. This is mostly likely already your current major, so no need to change. You’re destined to be a painfully-boring 8 a.m. Intro to Chem professor right here at Good ‘Old Rutgers!
RUPD Fucking Pumped When Crime Alert is Exciting
BY Arnold Palms
“Give Head” Reporter
PISCATAWAY- Police responded to a call concerning a dispute in the Livingston parking lot. While most of the police force is used to responding to calls concerning some dumb freshman getting locked out of their dorm, they were pleasantly surprised when they found out there was an actual fight.
“I told my guys, ‘Hey this is probably just some idiot kid in a towel locked out of the Quads as a prank no need to get in any gear’ and then all of the sudden we get there and there’s a guy with a machete!” said the chief of police.
Reports say that when the police got there they were so excited by having some actual action on Livingston that they waited a few minutes to see what would happen.
“We called everyone on the force. It was fucking awesome” said officer Ken McDermont.
According to witnesses the dispute involved a man with a machete confronting a man with a gun. Witnesses indicated they saw police arrive at the scene and then saw them congregate in a corner discussing quietly and pulling money out of their pockets.
“My money was on the machete man 100%. I mean a fucking machete?! You gotta be pretty fucking wild to pull that out” said officer Fred Greggs.
Officers reportedly watched the dispute like dads watch The Jets, until a gun was fired in an unknown direction.
“I mean half of me was like ‘fuck yes! This is so fucking awesome!’ and the other half of me was like ‘fuck you dude!’ I had money on the machete man and he just lost me $50” said McDermont. “But I mean all in all, it was a pretty lit day”.
The men were successfully apprehended following the incident but not before RUPD had a chance to take selfies with the only men to ever give them any action on Livingston.
The Medium 