Category Archives: 2016 elections

Rutgers Football Ranked Below Trump University

BY Mike Hawk
Most Likely to smile

PISCATAWAY—This past week on ESPN, the NCAA released the recent rankings of all college football teams. This was an extensive, well thought out list that was concluded by polls that took into the account of all coaches as well as some analysts.

Our analysts here at The Medium took a look at the list and our very own Scarlet Knights are ranked at 129th place. That is directly below the famed Trump University. We have reached out to a spokesperson for Trump University asking how they managed to gain a spot on the NCAA rankings for football teams when they do not possess one.

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TRUST ME Trump towers, the practice area for the football team

“We here at Trump University expect nothing but the best from our staff. We will be the best non football having team this country has ever seen. No other college will be better at not having a football team than us, no one; I can promise you that.”

Although the university spokesperson did not answer our question, it was clear that he was very passionate about being the greatest non-team having sports team this great nation has ever seen. Trump University will do everything in its power to make college football great again. We should do our part as the Scarlet Knights to help as well as chant “Lock up Penn State” this Saturday.

Leaked Concession Speeches

Hillary Clintonclinton.png

My fellow Americans, I would like to preface this speech with a heartfelt congratulations to the Republican nominee and *take deep breath Hillary, you can do this* winner of the 2016 Presidential Election, Donald J. *stands for jerk* Trump. I, of course, will concede the victory to him, and this in no way has affected my ambition to help this country to my best ability. I will continue to wo- GOD DAMN IT GOD FUCKING DAMN IT YOU PEOPLE ARE SUCH MORONS! ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS NOT VOTE FOR DONALD TRUMP AND WHAT DO YOU GO AND DO? THAT! HOW COULD YOU FUCKING DO THIS TO ME AGAIN AMERICA?! ALL I WANTED WAS TO BE IN THE WHITE HOUSE AS SOMETHING OTHER THAN A SMOKING HOT BITCHIN’ FIRST LADY BUT NOOOOOOOO, YOU GOTTA ELECT THE ONLY MAN IN THE COUNTRY THAT IS ACTUALLY DOWNGRADING HIS LIFESTYLE TO LIVE THERE? DO YOU THINK HE’S GONNA PAY TAXES ON THAT SHIT? THE GUY WON’T EVEN SPEND MONEY ON A DECENT TOUPEE. MY HAIR WOULD BE THE GREATEST HAIR A LEADER HAS HAD SINCE YOUNG STALIN! AM I TELLING IT LIKE IT IS YET, AMERICA? FUCK IT, I’M MOVING TO NORTH KOREA, I’LL SEND YOU ALL AN EMAIL WHEN I GET THERE, HOPE I DON’T DELETE IT FIRST.


trump.pngDonald Trump

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed, by their Creator, with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Folks, it is bad. It is sooo bad. Let me tell you. This country, and this is a tremendous country by the way, is going to bad places, people. I’ve had thousands of people come up to me since yesterday, and they say, “Donald, how could you let crooked Hillary Clinton steal this election from you, you should really do something about that nasty woman.” Let me tell you, if this election was not RIGGED, this country would have elected the correct candidate, let me tell you, I am the right president *wait for hordes of people to stop applauding and chanting your beautiful name*. Now folks, I know that all of you are upset, and believe me, I am so upset, you have never met anyone more upset than me, but I can also back down like a man, and I am a man, big league. That is why I want you people to go out there and keep this thing going, we are still in this people. I am NOT saying that we should march on Washington, but let me just say, there was a guy that did that a long time ago in the 60’s, and people loved that remember? I’m not saying I’m Martin Luther King, but the blacks do love me, folks. But I will say people, the Second Amendment people could take care of Hillary, if you know what I mean. Folks, let me tell you, I am DEFINITELY NOT saying that we should make our own America, even though it would be way better than the America that Hillary is going to turn this one into, because let’s face it people, if I left the country, none of the good people would be left here to stop Hillary. People, no matter what the lying media tells you, I am the real president.

Jill Stein Trying Desperately to Fill Grandparent Role

BY Jimbo Frugaloop
Currently Glued to Chair

WASHINGTON D.C.– After Clinton’s decisive win of the democratic ticket in June, the American people, regardless of political inclination, have had a disheveled old man-sized hole in their heart, one that Jill Stein is attempting to fill. At only a staggering 1% approval rating in the most recent polls for the general election, Stein is coming to terms with the fact that even though she is the smartest person in consideration, it’s possible that she may not win. With this thought drilling into the Harvard sized brain of Stein, she has slowly begun to fill the role of crazy old grandparent, hoping to swing the votes of the elderly and the dependent eighteen year-old grandchildren. Her platform, rather than focusing on the environmental policies that her party is associated with, now revolves around the old wives’ tales that we hear from our grandparents who are just a little racist enough to still be endearing; ideas such as WiFi causing harmful radiation and vaccines causing autism.steingrandma

Being cautious to avoid controversy, she has avoided taking a hard stance on any of these ideas, using words and phrases such as “probably” and “I dunno” that really convince people that she is the candidate that will get things done. Our inside sources also have reason to believe that Stein will stop combing her hair and begin to wear oversized suits to really nail that “wise sage” look that’s all the rage these days. We have also heard reports of cats coming and going from inside her house, with a new sighting each week. However, we can’t be sure if these are Stein’s or if she has simply stopped taking her new medication and has forgotten to close her doors. Overall, Stein has a growing fanbase that is sick of the stupidity of her three frontrunners, and as long as she avoids opening any Q&A forums on some of the more intellectual communities on the Internet, she should see a huge spike in her ratings.

Clinton Panicking Over Inauguration Outfit

WASHINGTON D.C.- With only two weeks left until this historic election comes to a climactic, earth-shattering end, and Hillary Clinton, confident in her win that she will be our next Commander-in-Chief, is now stressed over a much more daunting objective: High Fashion.

Clinton has made it her prerogative throughout her career and campaign to dress for the job she wants and not the job she has, and in her case the President is one snazzy bitch. However, after nailing her debate attire with the clever red, blue, and white scheme, she now feels that she cannot live up to expectations for her inauguration ceremony.pantsuits.png

“I can’t wait to see how that gorgeous trendsetter is going to look with her fab hand on the bible. It’s basically what I’m looking forward to most this year” says supporter Joana Morrison. Obviously as the first woman in office she could not use the common tactic of alluding to the attires previous presidents chose for their inaugurations, such as Gerald Ford’s reproduction of John F. Kennedy’s famous black shirt/red tie combination. Instead, Hillary will have to break new ground and embrace the spotlight, with a million eyes looking at her outfit and judging her for the choice of pant suit color and matching shoes. While going through the rainbow in her head, our inside sources have found that Clinton has narrowed her choices down to lovable orange, fearless black, and trustworthy green.

“I just have so many good qualities that can be represented through expression in my physical appearance, it’s too difficult a choice! I need something that screams ‘Presidential’ but also says, ‘Hey, I’m just a regular human gal like everyone else’” said Clinton, when asked about her email scandal. Many historians are calling this the most impactful decision that a future president will have to make before entering office, and as the confident and powerful woman that she is, almost everyone believes she can live up to the hype.

Hillary Clinton Deletes Her JC Penny Rewards Password in Email Scandal

BY Tonto Goldberg
Pun Connoisseur

WASHINGTON–Staff for Hillary Clinton have announced that she will be suspending all of her campaigning before Election Day. Although there has not been an official statement to the press, political pundits speculate that her lack of appearances is due to her running out of pantsuits to wear while on the campaign trail.

Those within her campaign report that Clinton has tried numerous times to get into her account, but can’t remember her password. While this is common, Trump’s investigative doctors are attributing the sudden memory loss to a preexisting medical condition.

Luckily for Clinton, Russian President for life Vladimir Putin has offered to hack Clinton’s email to help her retrieve her password. Even Donald Trump has weighted in on the issue. In a statement to Fox news he said, “We don’t know who could hack Clinton’s account, it could be Russians but it also could be China we just don’t know.”

When asked about this dilemma, forgotten nominee Gary Jonson issued his response via an interpretive dance which reads as follows: “Who cares about Clinton and her pantsuits or emails. The sun is going to eventually grow and encompass the Earth anyway.”

Bernie Sanders has said that he is surprised that this “Wall Street candidate like Clinton needs JC Penny rewards to buy her pantsuits. My family has been using JC Penny rewards since we were evicted from the Casbah in the late 90’s. We needed to save every penny because we came out of the Casbah ‘dead broke.’”

As this story developed, a tape was released by Fox News early this morning wherein Clinton is recorded saying to former President Bill Clinton “This is the exact reason why I don’t have stronger passwords!”

There has been no word yet on whether Secretary Clinton has considered buying pantsuits elsewhere.

Second Debate Erupts In Passionate Hate Fuck

BY Carlos Sanviento
Former Female Model

ST. LOUIS–The second debate was held last Sunday and much to the surprise of those coming out of two-year comas, it was another proverbial tire fire. While the debate began normally with both candidates secretly giving the finger, a surprising turn of events occurred at the close of the event. While Republican Candidate and Tic Tac enthusiast, Donald “Jabroni” Trump, was refusing to give his report on what he did over his summer vacation, one brave audience member yelled from the back row that both candidates should, “Just make out already!”

This comment was the spark that ignited a roaring flame as both nominees stared intently at each other to then rush in and embrace their political rival. In a fantastic display of tongue fencing, both opponents fell to the stage floor and began to ravish each other with their bodies. Clinton nipping at the jowls of Trump’s neck and Trump pulling Clinton closer by the lower body, showed a willingness to compromise that was, until then, unheard of in this disaster of an election. Staff from the Clinton campaign said that they had prepared extensively for this kind of turnabout, supplying Clinton with the proper protection. The Trump staff similarly had Trump well versed on the application of lubricant, should ass play be put onto the table. As both candidates began their romp of hate-filled consensual intercourse, the audience cheered in approval of this splendid display of bipartisanship. When reached for a comment, former president Bill Clinton told The Medium “Oh baby, Hill knows how much I love to watch” and thus proceeded to throw a strap-on dildo into the mass of flesh which was the two candidates.

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Real-time reaction

Upon the mutual climax of the two nominees, both cited the event as a “one night thing” and refuted any claims of the two fornicating again outside the occasional lonely Saturday night. Political experts called the event a momentous occasion, as this is the first instance of heterosexual intercourse in American politics. The approval ratings of both candidates has soared following the debate, with Clinton polling well with women for her use of the strap-on supplied by her husband. A history professor from Washington University marks this debate as one for the history books, stating “not since the Lincoln/Douglas debate had two candidates engaged in such a display of aggressive (yet tender) lovemaking.”

Public Can’t Remember Which V.P. is With Which

BY Raul Walker
Stunt Diver

In the raging tire fire that is the 2016 Presidential Election, a shocking revelation came after the announcement of the Vice Presidential Debate. On the periphery of the fire, the two Vice Presidential candidates found themselves to be indiscernible in the eyes of the voters. A codependent poll has shown that a shocking 2 percent of Americans can accurately match the correct Vice Presidential nominee to their Presidential counterpart. The rest of the public has been left in a frenzy trying to determine who to label as a “racist fanatical bigot” and who is the “baby eating traitor to freedom”. Confusion has only compounded as photos of the two sub-candidates began circulating in preparation for their debate. “The overwhelming whiteness of the two really makes them hard to tell apart.” said six year sophomore Martin Straighte. “It’s like you try to look at Kaine’s face and all you see is Trump’s orange glow, you look at Pence’s face and all you see is the red blood of the innocent Americans Hillary let die.”

Both Kaine and Pence have commented on this issue and confessed that they have been having the same issue. “After the debate, I actually went onto Trump’s bus by mistake” recalled Senator Tim Kaine, “We went a fourth of the way to Ohio before anyone of us noticed, Pence was there too and we all just let it ride.”

Pence commented that “I thought I was supposed to be with Hillary. I just saw Trump falling all over himself at the debate and struggled to remember ‘Was this the guy who asked me to run with him?’ luckily I ended up being right. However Kaine being on the bus threw me for a loop.”

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