My fellow Americans, I would like to preface this speech with a heartfelt congratulations to the Republican nominee and *take deep breath Hillary, you can do this* winner of the 2016 Presidential Election, Donald J. *stands for jerk* Trump. I, of course, will concede the victory to him, and this in no way has affected my ambition to help this country to my best ability. I will continue to wo- GOD DAMN IT GOD FUCKING DAMN IT YOU PEOPLE ARE SUCH MORONS! ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS NOT VOTE FOR DONALD TRUMP AND WHAT DO YOU GO AND DO? THAT! HOW COULD YOU FUCKING DO THIS TO ME AGAIN AMERICA?! ALL I WANTED WAS TO BE IN THE WHITE HOUSE AS SOMETHING OTHER THAN A SMOKING HOT BITCHIN’ FIRST LADY BUT NOOOOOOOO, YOU GOTTA ELECT THE ONLY MAN IN THE COUNTRY THAT IS ACTUALLY DOWNGRADING HIS LIFESTYLE TO LIVE THERE? DO YOU THINK HE’S GONNA PAY TAXES ON THAT SHIT? THE GUY WON’T EVEN SPEND MONEY ON A DECENT TOUPEE. MY HAIR WOULD BE THE GREATEST HAIR A LEADER HAS HAD SINCE YOUNG STALIN! AM I TELLING IT LIKE IT IS YET, AMERICA? FUCK IT, I’M MOVING TO NORTH KOREA, I’LL SEND YOU ALL AN EMAIL WHEN I GET THERE, HOPE I DON’T DELETE IT FIRST.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed, by their Creator, with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Folks, it is bad. It is sooo bad. Let me tell you. This country, and this is a tremendous country by the way, is going to bad places, people. I’ve had thousands of people come up to me since yesterday, and they say, “Donald, how could you let crooked Hillary Clinton steal this election from you, you should really do something about that nasty woman.” Let me tell you, if this election was not RIGGED, this country would have elected the correct candidate, let me tell you, I am the right president *wait for hordes of people to stop applauding and chanting your beautiful name*. Now folks, I know that all of you are upset, and believe me, I am so upset, you have never met anyone more upset than me, but I can also back down like a man, and I am a man, big league. That is why I want you people to go out there and keep this thing going, we are still in this people. I am NOT saying that we should march on Washington, but let me just say, there was a guy that did that a long time ago in the 60’s, and people loved that remember? I’m not saying I’m Martin Luther King, but the blacks do love me, folks. But I will say people, the Second Amendment people could take care of Hillary, if you know what I mean. Folks, let me tell you, I am DEFINITELY NOT saying that we should make our own America, even though it would be way better than the America that Hillary is going to turn this one into, because let’s face it people, if I left the country, none of the good people would be left here to stop Hillary. People, no matter what the lying media tells you, I am the real president.