1. White, and a good Fellow by Grand Wizard Khalifa
2. Bake it off (The Jews) by Taylor’s List
3. Loyalty (To the Master Race) by KKKendrick Bizarre ft. The Neo Nazis
4. Gasoline by Daddy Yankee Doodle ft. Lil Adolf
5. There’s Nothing Holding me Black by Shawn Mengele
6. My President is White by Young Jesus
7. Free you Again, Not! by Tyler, The Executioner
8. All my Negroes are Dead by Lil AR15
9. The Great Wall of Trump by Tronald Dump
10.My Heart is in Alabamanana by KKKamila KKKabello
DETROIT–In response to Eminem’s rap putting Donald Trump on blast, Kid Rock loudly mumbled his support of the President with a “Bawitdaba” remix.
“Bawitdaba, da bang, da dang diggy diggy,” screamed a shirtless Rock into an overhead camera. “Bawitdaba, da bang, MAGA MAGA/Drain the swamp said my Presidenty-denty (Come on).”
Rock later released a statement calling for fans, who are already used to employing nonsensical rhetoric to demonstrate their support of Trump, to purchase and ramble along to the new song, whose content mirrors the incoherence of many right-wingers.
“The G’s with the forty’s and the chicks with beepers,” sang a possibly drunk Rock. “The northern lights and the Southern Comfort/And it don’t even matter if your veins are punctured/All the crackheads, the critics, the cynics/And all my heroes at the methadone clinics/Y’all are with me and the Prez right this minute.”
BY Porn Stache
NEW BRUNSWICK— As the sun rose on Tuesday the 26th, a protester wearing a Trump 2016 shirt was found perched on top of the newly built Wall of Prejudice outside the College Avenue Student Center. The protester, Randall Armstrong, claims he will not come off the wall until he gets a promise that it won’t be torn down.
When questioned, Mr. Armstrong said, “I put a lot of work into thinking of prejudice to write on this wall, and I will not let these liberals destroy my hard work! My freedom of speech is my most important right! If it offends some snowflakes it’s their own damn fault. I will not let them silence me!”
Some of Armstrong’s fellow club members have also commented on how they were promised a wall and they won’t let the only one they have be destroyed. However, none of them have joined him on the wall, and Armstrong has had little luck in finding people to support his cause. The creators of the wall are debating waiting for him to get hungry or to just tear it down on the intended date.
DEMOCRATIC PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF KOREA — Last night at 10:43 pm EST, North Korea’s foreign minister threatened to declare war on the United States if it doesn’t make ratio at Theta Chai’s party Friday night.
According to the statement, Ri Yong-ho said, “It is Marshal Kim Jong Un’s right to rip sick bong hits and shotgun Millers at Theta Chai’s party. If Rutgers University and President Trump are unable to comply with our supreme leader’s demands, our nation will be forced to declare war on the United States of America.”
The White House still has yet to respond to the statement, but Rutgers University president Robert Barchi ranted on Twitter early this morning at 5:23 am EST. In his tweets that he wrote nearly 30 minutes into Fox News’ “Fox and Friends,” Barchi let loose a string of 8 tweets, including, “Pathetic Rocket Man can’t even make ratio. Just throw fives!!” and “Srat chicks don’t like short losers. And yuo [sic] know what they say about short men..” In his most provocative tweet yet, Barchi urged an attack on Rutgers, threatening, “Kim Jong Dumb doesn’t have the firepower to hit rutgers, try it!! We need a new football team anyway”.
Rutgers students are less than thrilled with both the statements from Ri Yong-ho and Robert Barchi. Tiffany Sankhar, a third-year communications major, said, “I think this whole thing is a mess! If Kim really wanted to get in, he should have just rushed earlier in the year. And Barchi is just an embarrassment. Just the other day, he insulted Rutgers football players for protesting police brutality by kneeling during the entirety of the third quarter. He’s a disgrace.”
Grad student Ben Jordan had another solution. “Wait, doesn’t Kim Jon Un own people? Why is this such a problem for him?”
BY Jimmy Bernard
All right, so I’m thoroughly confused. As a millennial caught up in this fast paced world of consumerism who only skims the top of the news cycle without doing much subsequent research, I’ve always been told by the media outlets I specifically follow in my curated life—therefore have always independently thought—that Lindsey Graham is basically the equivalent of one of Satan’s hemorrhoids.
Then I went on Twitter the other day, and now I don’t know what to think. Lindsey Graham had a string of really cool and sarcastic Tweets! I’m cool and sarcastic! I never thought I’d find Lindsey Graham—a human version of a retarded Southern Bullfrog shitting on a decaying log—relatable. He retweeted an article from The Onion while simultaneously standing up to Donald Trump. Then he kept going after him on Twitter, including one where he talked about tequila and wrote in broken, semi-offensive Spanish. That’s relatable to the younger generation! Plus, Graham is a Republican. So is Trump. Graham stood up for his beliefs, kind of. What is going on?
As a keen, self-indulging millennial looking for any bandwagon to latch my short attention span to, I figured Graham actually isn’t that bad, and he has just gotten a bad rap this entire time. So, as a result, I actually decided to do some research. From what I found, I realize why I’ve never done research to substantiate my beliefs before.
He wants to defund Planned Parenthood because “they harvest organs of the unborn.” He also opposes expanded background checks when purchasing a gun. But then, against my better judgment, I did more research. He is for background checks on the mentally ill. He also recognizes climate change. He wants to create a safe haven for refugees, but not let them in the U.S.
I need an answer! I need to be told what to think! It’s so much easier when issues are black and white and I just decide what to think based on some unfounded, instantaneous reaction to current events.
I finally went back to Twitter, hoping to get a firm answer from one of his newer Tweets, but I saw he t jmweeted support of that Betsy DeVos lady. She sucks, right? So Lindsey Graham sucks, too…right? That’s what I’ve been told by the people I choose to listen to.
I’m lost, and I don’t know where to go. I thought I could blindly trust Twitter, but I guess not. Damn you, Lindsey Graham. Damn you.