BY King Neptune
You mortals sicken me. Each and every year, you attempt to pay tribute to I, Neptune, King of the Seas, and Protector of its Citizens in the dining halls of Rutgers with your “King Neptune Night.” But it is not a tribute. It is an insult. You do not bring me joy with this event, you bring me disgust. Stop eating my subjects.
Do you truly believe that to honor me, a God-King, you should take the loyal citizens of the sea, who bow down to me each and every day, and rip them from their homes? Do you think it acceptable to boil them alive? These lobsters and crabs belong to me. They come from my realm, yet you choose each year to strip them of their dignity and rob them of their lives. And for what? To satisfy your desires for sea food. This night is not about honoring me, it is about giving in to your gluttony, you heathens. How dare you blaspheme against I.
Each of my loyal subjects, the crabs, lobsters and salmon you call dinner, add to our society, and have families they feed. You do nothing but take from our realm without returning the favor. How would you feel if we held King God Night in my court, and the entire menu was made of your neighbors, friends and parents? Maybe we shall. I am sure each of you taste delicious when succuled and spitroasted over an underwater fire.
Each and every one of you who partook in this so called tribute sicken me. I do not care how good a piece of salmon tastes with cream cheese, nor do I care about the deliciousness of lobster with a garlic butter. These things do not concern me. What does concern me is how Pierre, my minister of finance was taken from his bed at night, and plunged into a cooking vessel where he was boiled alive. It also concerns me that the salmon who farm the kelp that we eat were taken, gutted and smoked, before being feasted on by a fat, sweaty engineering major in the Busch Dining Hall. Imagine the horror as I watched these atrocities be committed through the glass of water you drank.
My subjects have been taken from me. Each day I receive a report from my Ministers–not including Pierre–and each day the news is more and more of my people taken away from their homes. They are what make my realm great. Without them, I am without meaning. My trident has no power if it has no one to rule. As a result, I expect reparations from each attendee of the feasts of gluttony you consider to be a tribute to me. I will return my realm to its former glory, for I am Neptune, King of the seas, and all the citizens within.
If you do not repent for these sins, and give back to my realm, whether it be through you mortals ending the poaching of my citizens, or through the sacrifice of your people into my realm, I will flood your university. You built it on the banks of my home, and I always am looking for new additions to my realm. I am not joking about this, just ask the citizens of Atlantis who choose many millennia ago to have their own similar tribute to me. And in case that does not work, I will speak to my brother, Jupiter, and he will smite the survivors. Stop eating my subjects, I, Neptune, Ruler of the Deep, will not give you another warning.