By Harry Nuttsaac
Following outrage over the concept of Julia Roberts playing Harriet Tubman in a biopic, Roberts’ agent found a much better role for her: Martin Luther King Jr. In an interview last month with the screenwriter for the movie Harriet, TMZ reported that a studio executive back in 1994 came up with the brilliant idea to have one of the whitest women in America play one of the greatest black women in American history. Despite the fact that Roberts herself had nothing to do with this pitch meeting 25 years ago, she received massive backlash when the news broke. In a mad scramble to correct this PR nightmare, Roberts’ agent decided to find her a role that everyone would love to watch her in and settled on MLK, who she would be playing in the movie Dr. King, slated for Spring 2021.
Somehow, no one involved in the process of getting her this role saw that this might just be worse than her playing MLK, except Roberts, who said in a press conference, “I really need America to know that I am not as stupid as the people finding roles for me. I mean, who could ever think it would be a good idea for a white woman to play any woman of color, much less a man of color?” The studios involved in Dr. King realized that it might just be a bad idea and canceled it, but this would fail to be the end of this drama.
Roberts tweeted out the video of her press conference, to which Scarlet Johansson replied, “I really think anyone should be able to play anyone they want #sorrynotsorry.” Because people are stupid, Roberts once again started to receive hate mail and Johansson suffered zero criticism. Johansson will actually be playing the title role in Pocahontas, coming to theaters next Thanksgiving.
By Bradley “Brad” Tanner
Streetwise Metaphysical Ethereal Realm Correspondent
HEAVEN- “I knew it’d be big, but I didn’t anticipate that it’d be THAT big.”
Those were the words beckoned by both a single Town Square spokesman and my very existent GF in Canada, but they are words that speak for the sentiment of billions of Heavenly citizens this past weekend. In his mortal Earthly life, Oliver Li was a purist, true blue White Hat hacker, one who shockingly didn’t dabble in dark web shadow markets, child pornography, anime neo-Nazism, or other fucked up incel neckbeard hacker shit. Now, Mr. Li has just unearthed a treasure trove of leaks pertaining to our One True Lord and Saviour; God, Yahweh, the Alpha and Omega, the Head Honcho Himself, has a whopping 57.4 terabytes of Liveleak videos (472 trillion) saved to His hard drive.
Since 2007, the site has trafficked in unwavering, unflinching, graphic, and violent content showcasing assaults, gruesome accidents, shootings, stabbings, war crimes, sex crimes, executions, snuff torture, and other fun, wholesome edutainment in that vein. It’s understandable for people to assume that their Great Divine Omnipotent Creator would already have a front-row view of the world’s wedding drone strikes or cartel chainsaw executions, and they may wonder why said Creator doesn’t intervene. Well, God defended His controversial (in)actions at the Town Square.
“Why can’t you fuckers just accept ‘Mysterious Ways’ and call it a day? Damn myself, but come on. I like this spectacle as much as you people, and I appreciate the platforms that you people created to help organize that spectacle to do my work for me. That’s it. Nothing more to it, nothing less. Sometimes you have to crack a few eggs to keep a civilization running. Sometimes you need to decapitate a few chicken souls into Animal Heaven Heaven to make a casserole.”
God slouched further into His Dolby bass beanbag gaming chair and wiped the Cheeto dust from His graying beard. In a world inundated with homicide, suicide, murder suicide, rape, injury, war, mass murder, pedophilia, torture, greed, bigotry, famine, necrophilia, pestilence, natural disaster, abuse, and wanton, unrelentingly 24/7 suffering, and creeping environmental deterioration, you may wonder where our loving, benevolent ruler has been to keep tabs on it.
“Well, you rotting flesh bags always harp on my ‘Plan’, but what if my Plan’s joining Y’ALL? Why aren’t I allowed to be as curious about Columbian neckties or Russian dashcam hit-and-runs as much as the next mortal, huh? You’re some damn TWISTED motherfuckers down there, and I relish seeing every second of it.”
God concluded with the bold proclamation that He shall “maybe do something I guess” after finishing The Mandalorian, or “wait it out another Five Bil’ for the Old Solar Cleanse”.
By Mac n’ Cheesus Christ
New Brunswick – A slushy snow fell on Rutgers campuses Monday prompting the university president to shut down all school activities mid-afternoon. To get the word out as efficiently as possible, an alert was sent to the student body through Rutgers’s emergency text channel, RU-Alert. Soon, all students received a text message declaring the school closure. Most read the message and thought no more of it, but one student, sophomore Mark Cornett, had a slightly different reaction. This was the first text message he had received in months, and Cornett was so lonely he decided to respond.
Mark Cornett lives entirely isolated due to his lack of friends and the absence of his family (who he definitely did not murder). Cornett is a full time student, but not only does he not have any roommates on campus, he doesn’t even have a dorm. In fact, no one has ever been able to track his whereabouts after dark. It is because of these life circumstances that when Cornett received the RU-Alert, he responded, “Nice to hear from you”. And when the RU-Alert number didn’t respond, he further questioned, “What are you up to? Wanna hang?”.
It is at this point that Rutgers’ administration noticed the responses and, out of concern, attempted to contact Cornett’s family. Unfortunately they could not be reached (because they were unavailable, not because he murdered them). Then, in what seemed like an ethical 360, they reached out to local news correspondents to sell the story. But, still, there is hope for Cornett as winter break is just around the corner and he is free to go home where there are, for sure, living people in his house.
By Jack Lumber
Coach of Rutgers Division 1 Stardew Team
Let me preface this by saying I absolutely adore Stardew Valley. It changed my life when I first played it, and I wouldn’t be the man I am today without it. I wouldn’t be on the competitive team if I didn’t love it. And of course I can’t get enough of the big content updates, most of 1.4 adds even more hours of great content and all sorts of new secrets to find. Except this: “when you catch a silver or gold quality fish, a ‘perfect’ catch now increases the quality by one. (This is the only way to get iridium quality fish.)”
Fucking really? Fishing is already one of the most useful skills, eventually in the late game, but this is absolutely broken. Not only does it further increase the disparity between low and high ELO players, but it forces us to completely rethink our team roster for tournaments. Our combat + mining flex players now have to grind out fishing to become absolutely perfect at it, which cuts into their academic and personal lives, but if they don’t we’ll be forced to cut them from the team because their niche doesn’t exist anymore. Not only that, but our strategies for most of the major farm types are useless because every team for the foreseeable future is only going to be playing on the river map!
I tell you, this is going to lower public interest in the professional scene too. Remember Overwatch League Season 2, when every game was GOATS vs GOATS? If you saw one game, you saw them all, because the game balance didn’t encourage more than a single style of play. Mr. Barone needs to get this sorted out before the next season starts, or this could screw Competitive Stardew Valley on every level.
By Kevin Diamond
As modern military shooters get more and more realistic, they should strive to provide the most immersive experience possible. That is the ultimate goal of most video games isn’t it? Every year resolutions, frame rates, and file sizes go up in the pursuit of the most realistic graphics possible so that when I shoot an enemy combatant I can feel the power of my weapon, and the weight upon my soul as the realization that I have claimed yet another virtual life in a MTN Dew and hot pocket fueled rage dawns on me. That is all well and good, and I thank the wonderful people at Infinity Ward, or whoever they’ve got developing that shit, for the number of polygons they’ve pumped into Price’s luxurious stache. However, what is the point of gracing Price’s lips with that stache if I can’t see them pressed up against the hard, hairy chest of a fellow soldier in a moment of passion?
Better graphics do a lot to make the game look authentic, but not enough effort has been put in to make the new Call of Duty feel authentic. I want the experience of a soldier in a modern military setting, and you know that I know that we both know that that means A LOT of man on man action. These men are taken away from their wives and girlfriends and thrust into the middle of bumfuck Not-America for months and you mean to tell me that they don’t start experimenting the moment they touch down? Bull. Shit. I can’t get through a sleepover at my friend’s house without an attempt being made on my asshole, so there is no way that I’m believing Price managed to get through so many years of deployment without being somebody’s boy toy. And don’t you tell me that the developers aren’t aware of the buttplay that permeates military culture.
The first Modern Warfare alludes to it almost immediately, with Price riding in a helicopter puffing on a big old cigar. It’s obviously a metaphor for a penis. I could tell when I first played, and I was 12 at the time. It was an honest attempt at the time. The technology wasn’t there for fully modeled soldier on soldier action, so it was accepted and praised by critics. But it’s 2019. We have the technology. We have the market. We have the desire. I demand that resources be diverted towards the creation of a dating sim DLC pack in which you can romance no less than five of your fellow soldiers at once. I don’t need for there to be a secret orgy ending involving the entire chain of command up to and including the president, but if they’re going for realism, I don’t see how they can leave it out.
By: Penn A. Trayshun
- Bus eye-fucking. We’ve all either seen it or been victim to it. You go and sit on a crowded LX and dream of the nameless cafeteria worker who will cook your stir-fry for what seems like a half hour, then you see it: a dirty, disheveled second-semester junior staring at some chick’s rather large bosom. You think to yourself: isn’t this some form of harassment? Then, the driver brakes way too hard (as they inevitably do) and he goes tumbling forward, his gaze broken as he falls on some unlucky freshman. Ah, good old Route 18 karma.
- When someone else opens the door for you. Picture this: It’s cold and snowy out. The wind is whipping your face into human leather. As you reach for your ID, boom! Someone walks out of your dorm, holding the door for you. Is that lust you feel welling up inside you for this unknown angel? You decide.
- Going for the same drink in the dining hall. A nice sunny day, a medium-quality dining hall meal, and the cherry on top: the orange guava passion fruit drink. As you go to fill up your cup…boom! Another student beats you to it, leaving you looking like a fucking idiot. But one thing’s for certain: you’re both thirsty youngsters. Time to get a room 😉
- When you have to drop your bowels next to someone. Come on, don’t lie to yourself. You’re a sucker for that intimate closeness you feel when you pull your pants down and sit your ass next to someone you don’t even know. Add some flatulence to show your love.
.5 What, you thought there would be an actual half-reason listed? Are you serious? I can’t believe you would fall for that! I’m laughing so hard right now!