All posts by RutgersTheMedium

Point/Counterpoint: Get in MY Van

Get in My Vandixon

BY Dixon Scott

Alright, kid, I know what your parents told you. “Don’t get into a stranger’s vans if they offer you candy.” And alright, fair enough, but I’m not just offering you candy. I’ve got pizza and ice cream in here too-as much as you could want. Eat as much of anything as you’d like. If you don’t tell your parents, then you won’t get in trouble. There’s no bedtime in here either; you can stay up playing as late as you want. Think of me like your grandpa-the rules at your house don’t apply in mine. Yeah, that’s a good boy, come on in. You’re gonna have a great time here.

hansNo, Get in My Van

BY Hans Norman

Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard all about Dixon and his van. Well listen up, because I’ve also got pizza and ice cream. Offering nothing but candy is for the geezers that are all dropping out of the game. Not only that, but this offer isn’t just for you, you can invite as many friends as you want. Don’t worry, I’ve got plenty of the good stuff for everyone. It’ll be the best slumber party of your life, trust me. No? Not interested? Alright, bonus offer. I’ve got a lot of ice cream for you guys, it’s gonna get very messy. So just don’t bother with clothes! This van is a clothing-optional zone. Kids hate clothes, right? Tonight, you don’t have to bother. So go get your friends and let’s have a good old naked time!

Studies Show Trump Physically Unable to Comprehend Tragedies in Developing Countries

BY Caillou
Real Good Listener

WASHINGTON D.C.— Tuesday morning at 9 am, researchers revealed the results of a year-long study on Trump, concluding that the 45th President of the United States is unable to mentally process tragedies that occur in developing countries. This has confirmed theories developed by many scientists around the globe as to why someone so active on social media refuses to comment on anything both not American and not white.

An excerpt of the study describes some of the methodology used, “The subject was placed in a neutral room containing only two chairs. Every 15 minutes, a researcher would go into the room and mention a topic, such as CNN, nuclear weaponry, or Putin. The only tests inciting abnormal reactions involved the subject ‘Somalia bombings,’ where the subject’s eyes glazed over, its body slouched over, and hands twitched every few seconds. The subject would sustain this posture until a team member would mention Kaepernick. The subject would then react in an established fashion as if nothing had happened.”

White House staff have begun taking measures to work around the president’s newly discovered disability. Press secretary Sarah Sanders announced, “The United States will not be halted by our president’s mental disorder. The US will persevere through tragedies such as Somalia’s truck bombing, and will not let the death of hundreds of third-world citizens stop us from making this country great again.”

Citizens across America have been announcing they suffer from a similar disease, as Alabaman Billy McBowell said, “Yeah these fellas over the sea, their problems just don’t do anything for me, y’know. If it ain’t about the death of our national anthem, then you can forget about it,” he stated as he set up his American flag rifle targets.

As of press time, no one has mentioned to the president that he has this disability.

Racists Lose Last Connection to Rap

BY Mike Hawk
Pelvis Safety Officer

NEW BRUNSWICK— This past week, rap icon Eminem debuted a freestyle against POTUS at the Video Music Awards expressing his distaste with his performance as president and quite frankly, as a human being. You can bet that fans of his who are also supporters of Trump were outraged by his freestyle where he calls the president out for his racist tendencies, lack of human empathy and for being an orange.

YA’LL Eminem pretending to kill himself because he’s edgy

This hot-take should come as no surprise as Eminem has been no stranger to political controversy constantly expressing his views in his artwork. In one of his most recent hits “Rap God” Slim makes reference to the killing of a bunch of children in the Columbine shooting, later stating that it shouldn’t be seen as a big deal since these tragedies happen all the time.

Apparently all of this was A-okay for his fans up until the moment he came for President Trump. Outraged, racists took to Twitter to voice their displeasure for being betrayed by one of their own.

“How THE FUCK am I supposed to claim racial superiority now!? All these years of having one of the best rappers of this generation be white and he fucking switched sides!! On top of that, all these black people keep sending him invites to their cookouts now, what does that even mean? Is it code? Is the race war finally happening? FUCK!” said Billy Bond.

Slim Shady most certainly knew this was coming and ended his freestyle with a tribute to his fans who may also support Trump.

“Fuck You”

Short, sweet and to the point, as Shady quite eloquently put it. At least they still have country music.

Kid Rock responds to Eminem cypher with unintelligible “Bawitdaba” remix

DETROIT–In response to Eminem’s rap putting Donald Trump on blast, Kid Rock loudly mumbled his support of the President with a “Bawitdaba” remix.

“Bawitdaba, da bang, da dang diggy diggy,” screamed a shirtless Rock into an overhead camera. “Bawitdaba, da bang, MAGA MAGA/Drain the swamp said my Presidenty-denty (Come on).”

Rock later released a statement calling for fans, who are already used to employing nonsensical rhetoric to demonstrate their support of Trump, to purchase and ramble along to the new song, whose content mirrors the incoherence of many right-wingers.

“The G’s with the forty’s and the chicks with beepers,” sang a possibly drunk Rock. “The northern lights and the Southern Comfort/And it don’t even matter if your veins are punctured/All the crackheads, the critics, the cynics/And all my heroes at the methadone clinics/Y’all are with me and the Prez right this minute.”

New Easton Ave Business Lets Rutgers Students Rent a Pet for a Semester

BY Caillou
Likes Kids

NEW BRUNSWICK— Last Thursday a new business opened on Easton Ave named Rent-A-Pet. Their primary business model is to create an establishment that allows impulsive college students to rent a dog or cat for a semester and not have to feel guilty about abandoning their pets when the year is over. The business was started by Rutgers Business School alumni Ben Schaffold, who was tired of seeing the despair caused by the abandoning of these innocent creatures.

AWWW Rutgers student spending quality time with her new pet cow.

“Every time I see an abandoned pup or cat off College Ave my heart just fills with sadness. It’s so difficult for a college student to just bail on these animals. Our studies have shown that students who abandon their pets feel guilty for two to three weeks, and that’s something no student should ever have to go through,” said Schaffold.

So far, the business has been a tremendous success, as they have already rented out its entire stock of pets, as well as have a back-order for 68 more animals.

“I’m so glad I’m gonna get to spend my senior year with Snowball,” said Alexandra Antwani, who named the rented cat after her favorite Hostess snack item. “Cats are great for a school year, and not a day longer. Rent-A-Pet is a real game changer!”

Our lead scientists have gotten great results back from the pets, showing happiness levels matching those of Golden Retriever puppies at suppertime. The business has been considering expanding their supply to include birds, reptiles, fish, and farm animals for those on Cook/Douglass.