All posts by RutgersTheMedium

Two-Step How To: Picking the Right Sorority

By: Dick Veiney

 

Are you a freshman wondering which sorority you want to join come Spring Semester (provided that you have a high enough GPA that is…which, for the most of you is a high bar because you need a 2.5/4.0 and let’s be real, most of you haven’t been over the 50th percentile in anything except your weights)? Confused by the fact that whatever language these fraternities are speaking in aren’t English (in Trump’s America?!)? No worries, I am here to provide you with an in depth how to pick the right sorority for you!

 

Step 1: Ask yourself:

 

How attractive are you? 

 

How attractive do you want to feel standing next to 30+ other people of your gender (who are all wearing a tight little black dress and haven’t eaten all day so they’re not bloated for this exact dance)? 

 

If your answer to the first question is: not very, I would recommend not rushing any sorority! Why? Because they probably won’t take you! Feel relieved, the choice is out of your hands already! 

 

If your answer to the first question is “I have been sent at least three nudes and I’ve only been here two weeks” then you can move onto the second question. 

 

If your answer to the second question is “Very” to “I don’t want to go back to my dorm crying cause turns out these girls don’t need to use Facetune like I do” then I would recommend not rushing either. 

 

However, if you accept such a self-esteem crushing fate, then move onto step 2.

 

Step 2: Ask yourself:

 

How much money do my parents have?

 

If your answer is: “A lot!” then feel free to join any sorority! Pretty and rich? You’re a shoe in to be on the Facebook cover photo and be chosen to live in the sorority house. In 20 years from now you may even get invited to join the alumni council where you and a group of other affluent ladies figure out ways to cover up any hazing reports.

 

If your answer is: “Um, not that much, why?” then you’re in for a big surprise! Sororities cost money! Being bullied for free is so public high school, in college you pay to constantly feel inadequate. But then again, these are your sisters for life, so it’s worth it in the end. No one’s gonna remember decades from now who slept with whose boyfriend or who drank whose entire vodka supply in one night. Or who lit whose hair on fire cause they ratted that they had gonorrhea. Or who flushed whose cocaine down the toilet… 

 

Anyways, I would pick a sorority that is smaller and doesn’t own a house because if your monthly check keeps bouncing, they’ll be desperate enough for members to keep you.

 

There you go – your easy, simple, two step guide to picking the right sorority for you! I didn’t mention any specific ones, because god knows how many there are, but this guide is just to help you kickstart your quest to finding the sisters you never knew you would hate so much. Good luck freshies!

Nigerian Prince Calls Rutgers a Scam

By Icky Vicky

Rutgers University caught flak from students and faculty for accepting more students than the state university is built for. While Jerseyites feel this is on par for the state’s terrible infrastructure, many out-of-state students are alarmed by the lack of busses, cramped classrooms, and tsunami of freshmen yelling about how they got accepted to a better college but had to be closer to home. 

While Rutgers has been, famously, screwing students over for years, things are especially dire now. Students are not receiving money for a majority of Rutgers related services. There is a campus-wide delay on refund checks, with students displeased that they couldn’t spend the money on drugs and alcohol during sylli week. The College Ave party scene— the cultural touchstone of the University— has been hit hard with this setback; frats and sororities are experiencing a 5 percent decline in “fresh-meat” freshman showing up at their doors. 

One graduate student has not recieved his grant money yet, with him angrily excaliming, “Fuck Rutgers!”

All this turmoil has caught the attention of one infamous celebrity, the Nigerian Prince. Known for his spam emails that claim that he is out of money, but promising incredible rewards if helped, the prince has come all the way down to Rutgers to see how a place of such esteem can be screwing students over so hard. 

“I know it may be of a surprise, but I have come here to make business relationship with Rutgers. Unfortunately, there no money here. I am at a loss,” Said the confused prince. 

Alarmed by the unpunctuality shown by the University, the Nigerian Prince offers his sympathy to students. He emailed a statement, outlining the grievances he and the students have with the University. It is as follows: 

 

“Dear Beloved Rutgers University, the State University of New Jersey,

I, behalfing on Rutgers students, am calling out the tardiness! No excuse for such travesty.

I am son of Al-Mon-E-tumee (great King back home). I am issuing statement to openly accuse Rutger University, the State University of New Jersey, of being a flat-out, in, and everything in between—  a scam!

In order to give students, I am offering everyone a 20 percent total sum of USD6.8M for assistance in GOFUNDME for students here. Please I wish to help greatly, so all the money to me will help me go fix financial situation at home so I can give the USD6.8M to all students of Rutgers University, the State University of New Jersey. 

At least I won’t be as late!

Remain blessed,

The Nigerian Prince”

Biden Channeling Obama-Era Hipness by Opening for Death Grips

By Bradley “Brad” Tanner

 

First he called President Obama “Raprock” on CNN, now he’s embracing the rap rock.

 

The Sacramento experimental hip-hop group known as Death Grips have spontaneously announced a surprise tour with an enigmatic guest: former Vice President and 2020 Democratic Presidential Candidate, Joe Biden. The frontrunner has come under scrutiny for a few whoopsie doopsie gaffes like: sexual harassment, supporting segregation, bleeding from the eyes, expanding mass incarceration, and forgetting the name of the man he worked eight consecutive years for. For provocateurs like Death Grips, these mishaps comprise the peak transgressive, nihilistic energy they aim to embody.

 

The group is notoriously enigmatic, rarely doing interviews or media appearances. Luckily, they were speaking candidly backstage, including frontman Stefan Burnett, better known as MC Ride: “I’ve called Death Grips the id, the gut, the primordial sonic incarnation of anarchic fury at the beck and call of no gods, no states, no kings, no masters. We will not publicly endorse nor advertise any candidate for the 2020 Election. That said, who better to channel the farcical fucking joke of our institutions than a incoherently babbling, vaguely racist homonculi ghoul in an ill-fitted wrinkly flesh suit?”

 

Drummer Zach Hill, known for his violently concussive blast beats and ardor for surreal dadaist visual art, also concurred with Burnett. “Yeah, like he may be for everything our band would stand against and he hates sharing the tour bus with Stefan, but he doesn’t need to be. We sampled Manson on our first mixtape but we’re not for race war, folk rock, death cults man. Look, when he’s out there, he’s like a literal rotting, bleeding spire of this system. Like him or hate him, you gotta admit that shit’s metal. Might use it for our next project’s cover art or something.”

 

After 27 minutes of looking for Beau in the jungles of Saigon, The Man Himself was lucid enough to speak. “Yeah, my PR people met theirs and one thing led to thing one another and now we’re tour grouping. I haven’t always been for the so-called youth raves, but these Grapes boys have treated me with the utmost politeness, especially Steven JPEGMafia. That gentleman’s an articulate fellow if I’ve ever heard one articulate reciprocal meticulousness myself, just like Prime Minister Bataranga Omaha.”

 

Biden opened with a 48 minute monologue reminiscing on “those Syracuse derrieres”, whispering and holding the mic stand in an intimate embrace, blood eyes even bloodier under the harsh red fluorescent light. From there, Death Grips followed up with a lengthy set spanning most of their discography, including cuts from Bottomless Pit, The Money Store, No Love Deep Web, and their newest album, 2018’s Year Of The Snitch. The abrasive, violent chaos of their shows was made all the more harrowing by Biden’s anguished pleas begging someone to tell him where he is, as well as his (woefully misunderstood) commentary on the song choruses.

 

“Lock Your Doors? I ALREADY DO THAT DOWN IN THE INNER CITIES!  Why would I give the BAD PEOPLE good ideas? I’ll break a mirror in YOUR FACE you uppity fuckin’ whipper snapper! Take MY coat? No, you DAMN BLACK PAINTER! I’ll sit between the backseat and YOUR dick if I have any say about it!”

 

Tour dates and locations TBA.

 

 Bradley “Brad” Tanner is a Streetwise Experimental Industrial HipHop Punk Genre Salad Correspondent

REPORT: Lil Dicky’s “Earth” Single Secretly Funded By Koch Family, 13 Oil Companies

By Bradley “Brad” Tanner

Streetwise Suburban White Facebook Rapper Correspondent

 

On April 19th, humanity was blighted by the most unfathomable blight, and assailed by a reflection of it’s visage at it’s ugliest: I am of course talking about the asinine, dogshit ensemble charity “song” by alleged “professional rapper” and “comedian” David “Lil Dicky” Burd, known as “Earth”. Featuring musical cameos from Lil Yachty as HPV, Ariana Grande as a zebra, and Justin Bieber as a baboon going full Goatse gape on his simian hole, the single’s video is a dramatized 7 minute CGI reenactment of Mr. Burd performing fellatio on Leonardo DiCaprio’s vascular, throbbing, fully-erect cock, selflessly guzzling away his milky, viscous cum so it won’t pollute our sacred biosphere. The apotheosis of environmentalism is bourgeoisie 1% elites condescendingly laying the problem at the heels of the common man whilst creating 77% of the world’s carbon emissions, and Burd knows this, which is why he chose to donate all of the singles proceeds to DiCaprio’s Foundation. Allegedly.

 

But according to an anonymous Medium Insider, that is far from the truth: to get his numerous collaborators involved with the project, Mr. David purportedly took funding from 13 fossil fuel companies, as well as billionaire Koch Brother heir Wyatt. Perhaps best known for his line of dummy thicc Hawaiian shirts, Wyatt Ingraham Koch very much shares the Republican, industrialist robber baron politics of his forefathers. And what better way to get people to align with your side than to paint the other side’s establishment as a completely fucking embarrassing, slightly more hypocritical travesty than your own? It worked with their Chief Classical Liberal, Dave Rubin, it works with those cringey fucking Truth commercials that make you want to smoke yourself into a full body Stage 4 Sarcoma, and Confidential Insider “Syatt Loch” was quick to divulge details regarding how they made it work for this “song”.

 

“We focus grouped the song in numerous clinical settings, with each participant wearing an experimental prototype EEG rig that measures suicidal, homicidal, and misanthropic ideations down to the brainwave. From there, we meticulously adjusted autotune, joke hackiness, and Millenial Whoop levels to be as fucking insufferable, vapid, and unintelligible as possible. This is a revolutionary, beautiful new production process that I hope more artists will embrace.”

 

And that hopeful sentiment is certainly true, at least in my personal opinion. I don’t agree with all the neocon stuff, but if we’re a species repugnant enough to inflict all this senseless bigotry, prejudice, rape, murder, enslavement, terrorism, oppression, subjugation, abuse, and abysmal, dogshit fucking music toward one another, music from guys who work with known abusers like Chris Brown, maybe we deserve to be slowly garroted and asphyxiated by our own carbon emissions. Maybe we deserve to have the thawed Arctic Bubonic Plague expunge this planet’s ecosystem of the blubbery, rotting, sentient carcinogenic masses that we are. Maybe the real path to loving our planet Earth is not removing the capitalistic mechanisms that contaminate it, but instead redistributing them all toward one guy so he can splurge them on masturbatory fellatio round trips over his private Boeing 757.

 

Thank you Lil Dicky, thank you other L.D., and thank you Koch Industries™! Happy (Belated) Earth Day!

Review of God’s Not Dead

By Heywood Jablomi

Evangelical Agnostic

 

God’s Not Dead is a 2014 Christian Film produced by PureFlix, and as it’s been a personal favorite of mine for several years, I was very glad when The Medium told me I had to review it for this issue. For those of you who haven’t seen this masterpiece (spoilers ahead), God’s Not Dead, starring Kevin Sorbo, is about an evil atheist who learns to find God in his final hours. This may sound similar to the plot of many other Christian movies, and you’d be right, but God’s Not Dead is different. The evil atheist (played by Kevin Sorbo) is a philosophy professor who firmly believes that God is dead, and requires all his students to renounce God. Most of his class doesn’t really care, except for protagonist Shane Harper.

This was actually kind of confusing for me. When I took a philosophy class my freshman year of college, I expected a lot of the same things to happen. But when I got there, the professor didn’t really seem to care about the beliefs of the students, and he definitely didn’t seem to want to change anyone’s beliefs. It’s almost liked he cared more about teaching students than pushing some kind of agenda. Most classes probably aren’t like that, though. I bet most of them have that atheist professor shown in God’s Not Dead who spend the first couple weeks of class debating a student about their religious beliefs.

This debate also brings up some important philosophical points. The religious student, at one point, says that morality would not exist without God. Being a philosophy professor, you’d think that the atheist would cite any number of other ethical viewpoints. Even if he’s not an ethics professor, he’d probably be fairly well versed in at least a handful of other theories of ethics, but he doesn’t even mention any. And that’s the kind of thing that makes this movie great.

Now I want to talk about some of the side plots. When you watch a Pure Flix movie, you don’t just get one movie, you get like three with all the other stories they throw in here. Reverends Dave and Jude are the best part of the movie, and they don’t even relate to the main story. I’ve been trying to petition Pure Flix to make a sitcom based only on the two of them, you can find it on change.org. There’s also the story between Shane Harper and his girlfriend, who he breaks up with because he cares more about arguing with the professor than their relationship. That’s the kind of morals we need more of in our protagonists. Then there’s also a Muslim girl who finds Christianity and wishes to convert. Instead of exploring this, she’s just rejected by her father. It’s very satisfying to see a movie give such a deep and nuanced portrayal of a group outside of their main audience.

At the end of the movie, Sorbo’s character reveals that he hates God because his mother died as a child. Personally, I’m very glad Pure Flix doesn’t perpetuate the myth that people are ever atheists because of anything other than a traumatic childhood loss. He’s then hit by a car, and bleeds out on the street. The other protagonists of the movie, who all happen to be there, surround him, and convince him to give his heart to God so he can go to heaven. No ambulance is even called, which I’m very grateful for, because seeing him make a full recovery and realizing that he shouldn’t be proselytizing to his students wouldn’t be nearly as satisfying as watching him die a painful death surrounded by strangers.

God’s Not Dead is one of my favorite movie franchises. It’s made for evangelical Christians, and doesn’t waste time being even remotely appealing to anyone else, Christians or otherwise. If you’re evangelical, I cannot recommend this more, and I’ll review the sequels soon.

Why New York City Fucking Sucks

By, Icky Vicky

 

The one question that tormented my adolescent mind was this: Why does Spider-Man only fight crime in New York City? Like, what is so great about this place? After reaching adulthood, I have finally reached an answer. Spider-man doesn’t exclusively fight crime in New York City because it is a great place. He fights there because it is a literal shithole that needs to contract a specialist to help them get their shit together.

New York fucking sucks. It is a terrible city that lays bare all of humanities faults and ugliness. You walk into Penn Station and realize it is a literal Labyrinth. I swear, I was waiting for The Goblin King himself to pop up and twirl his balls around his hands in front of me, every turn I took. It smells like shit and I swear, if you use those bathrooms, you will contract something!

If you find your way outside, you’ll be hit by blinding light, even if it’s nighttime! Those goddamn street lights sear into your retina’s, living you blinded for the inevitable attacks by the beggars, tourists, and the cops. Good luck trying to find your way around as well. Constant blowing of horns and dingy subways.

You might be thinking, “Hey Vicky, you are only talking about Manhattan, there are other boroughs you know.” Well they also suck. Brooklyn is has a terrible case of the gentrification- I swear every other dilapidated building has a froyo shop in between. Queens is discount suburbia- JUST MOVE OUT OF NEW YORK IF YOU DON’T WANNA BE IN A CITY. Staten Island is a literal trash island because that’s all of see of it across the pond from my beautiful, New Jersey town. And The Bronx is disgusting because that is where I was born- how dare you subject the world to this filth you have begotten you ass of a borough.

I DO NOT HEART NEW YORK- put that on a dumb t-shirt!