All posts by RutgersTheMedium

I Have Not Succumbed To The Chicken Carbonara Virus Mack

By Real Joe Biden, Former Vice President, 2020 Presidential Hopeful, Woman Respecter, Not An Intern Or Other Joe Biden

 

People of Barack America, here’s the deal. A lot of you have been wondering where I’ve been the past fortnights. Why disappear from the public eye for over a week when campaigning for a national election for prime chancellor? Well, it’s quite simple Jack. These Burrisma Brothers have been talking up slanderous lies about the COREVID-18 epidemic, alleging I’ve been drugged on the smack or dead all this time? Worse yet, they’ve said I’d done the raps and raves, like those rapscallion teeny boppers and hornswogglers?

 

Look fat. This damn Qdoba disease ain’t nothing. I’ve been asympathetic of dementia, stuttering, Auschwitzeimers, chicken carbonara virus, all of it man. I won’t deny I’ve EVER had it, nor would Hunter, Beau, Jill, or Francine West have. Corner Betty would make a MEAN casserole in the neighborhood back then. Those days, to get the eggs for the roux, you’d have to personally raise the chickens yourself, and wring their necks by your own hand. 

 

She had a nice pair of bloomers, that Corner Betty. Lived on the side I’d less than nigh pay a nickel to bus to, lest Hunter needed me to pick up some of the stuff. Put pomade and hot rollers around that pit hair. Called it gentle wind feathers cause that’s how it’d blow. Anywho, like my former confidante Chairman Hussein Alabama, I hightailed it outta there and into the sanitorium, away from any clear and present danger.

 

I am writing this official campaign press release to confirm I am indeed well, alive, and in the tender loving caring comfort of Dr. Joe Biden’s husband. Fortunately I can afford that comfort, unlike you no-good inconveniencing scallywag macks dropping left and right in the streets like the gadflies you are. Social Darwininianism. Select naturale. No chicken carbonara here. No siree. If any Barney Sandal or Ronald McDonald head wants to test my mettle on that, they can take it outback for some deadlifts. At the place. The one you know.

11 Ways to Get What You Want, When You Want, & How You Want it (While Suffering Minimal Consequences or Legal Repercussions)

  1. Be Rich
  2. Own A lot of Assets
  3. Just Be Wealthy
  4. Possess Capital
  5. Kill Yourself if You’re Jeffrey Epstein
  6. Don’t Be Poor
  7. Make Your Net Worth Like Really Really Positive
  8. Do Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Have Money
  9. Obtain Currency
  10. Abundant Abundance
  11. Affluent Affluence

(Bonus) Possess Pee-Pee, Not Like Pee-Pee, and Lack Melanin

Giant Cosmic Turtle Lays Off Pennywise

By Bradley “Brad” Tanner, Streetwise Interdimensional Correspondent

 

DERRY, MAINE: In an unprecedented turn of events, Maturin the Cosmic Space Turtle, one of the twelve Guardians of the Dark Tower’s Beams, has announced that he is laying off the shapeshifting Eldritch alien monster It until further notice. Best known as Pennywise The Clown, It was a notorious local haunt around the town of Derry, enjoying lenient part-time hours that only demanded his work every three decades. 

 

But in recent uncertain times, a new invisible, omnipresent killer targeting select age demographics has emerged: the SARS-CoV-2 pandemic. The burgeoning supply filled by a new competitor has left Pennywise’s services lacking in demand. 

 

“Before, you really had to put in the elbow grease. Burn every occupant in a building alive, drown ‘em with the old blood sink or bloodbath, hit ‘em with the classic jumpscare or two, dismember a couple toddler limbs with your rows of elongated mandible fangs. But now, one fucking dead bat is all it takes to bring all of your earthly institutions to a screeching halt. ONE!”

 

It was particularly downtrodden in it’s sewer lair, unsure how he’d keep the Deadlights on over the next two months of quarantine. 

 

“It’s easy to SAY that all people and homicidal flesh-eating entities can just get through this and pull themselves up by their balloon straps. Even EASIER to say when you’re just some fat head honcho tortoise floating high above them all in the cosmos. But guess what, Maturin? We aren’t all so lucky to float through this economy. Expunging the world of these little crybaby shits is a ‘non-essential’ service? Give me a fucking break. I know I’m just a freelancing independent contractor, but c’mon man. You gotta give me SOMETHING to work with here!”

 

Unfortunately, the four-legged shell god was not particularly moved by Pennywise’s pleas to stay in business, and went on to mock those pleas in a late-night Macroverse portal monologue.

 

“Why would I give a fuck about a universe I puked out in a raw bender? Do YOU degenerates pay any more thought to yesterday’s hangover than flushing it the fuck down, like this child chomping sicko? Folks, maybe a certain Mr. Pennywise wasn’t SO WISE with those pennies after all.”

Celebrity Cover of “Imagine” Heals the World

By Paul Sdeep

The coronavirus has affected every single one of us, keeping us home with the fears of contracting the virus from others. Some of us more than others with people losing jobs and some even losing family to the horrible virus. Beloved celebrities saw these hardships and decided to take action. Our beloved Wonder Woman, Gal Gadot, felt as a public figure she had to do something to help the pain and hardship people were dealing with. But what can you do in a time like this? Use your and friends of yours’ unbelievable amounts of money to create a fund to provide relief for the newly unemployed? Or donate the money towards research to speed up the creation of a vaccination for the virus? Of course not! Money isn’t everything! Gadot wanted to give something from her heart, not her wallet! So she gathered a group of her rich and famous friends to sing “Imagine” for you, so you can kindly be reminded of the possibility of no afterlife from your favorite celebrity as you mourn the death of your grandmother.

The level of awareness this video show just proves how self-aware these actors are and how they know how fucking awesome they are! So if you’re feeling down because you can’t see your family and friends, or you just lost your job, you can now open up twitter and watch a bunch of people with massive houses, that probably have almost everything they need in it, try to make you feel like everything is going to be alright. Hospitals are beginning to report that after watching the video Coronavirus patients’ symptoms began to subside and show no signs of the virus in their symptoms. Doctors astounded by the results began administering the video to cancer patients, which then had rapid effects with the cancer cells being eradicated instantly. There are also reports in Africa that a young man who gained access to the video on an old smartphone, struck a rock with his phone, while the video was playing and miraculously fresh clean water spouted out of the top. These heroic actions by Gal Gadot and friends have been our salvation and when this is all over we will have them to thank!

A Review of the Coronavirus by Someone Who Has Every Disease Known to Man

By Brad Cell

There’s two things that people need to know about me. The first thing is that I have genital herpes. The second thing is that I am not a fan of change. So when I heard a bunch of ruckus about this new disease taking the world by storm, I was of course a little skeptical. Since I am an expert on diseases, I figured I’d try and infect myself to see what all the hubbub is about. After licking a couple of subway poles in New York City, I was eventually bedridden with all the usual symptoms of COVID-19. Dry cough, shortness of breath and implosive diarrhea. After a week with the virus, I have come to conclude that this Corona is not at all as cracked up as people say it is. ITS JUST A WORSE VERSION OF THE FLU! Oh, your throat hurts? Try losing all your fingers to leprosy! I’m currently typing this article by bashing my nose against the keyboard. Try having your butt cheeks removed and replaced with two halves of a watermelon because you got prostate cancer! I’m getting off topic here, so I’ll wrap this up. I give the Coronavirus a 2/5. It fucked me up more than the flu, but not as badly as ebola did.

Personals – Week of March 23rd, 2020

By Bradley “Brad” Tanner, Alleged Streetwise Self Help Correspondent

(Sup fuckers. In light of recent events, I will now be responding to your questions and placing my psychobabble drivel into a vomitous text wall format for the time being. Enjoy. Or don’t.)

 

Games

 

How should I eulogize my grandparents, who valiantly laid down their lives for the cause of selling Funko Pops and Animal Crossing?

(You’ve got more time on your hands to play Minecraft, right? Use it motherfucker. The graveyards procedurally generate for you! No fat charnel house checks to cut!) 

How to slide into Club Penguin Rewritten DMs during these trying times, while everyone’s home from school? Asking as a libertarian.

(You fucking sick degenerate. You be absolutely fucking ashamed of yourself. How do you sleep at night? Everyone knows Webkinz is the way to go.)

Gamestop Store Manager here. How do I tell my employees nicely that sick leave, health benefits, and being treated like a human being with human rights are all paid microtransactions?

(I know selling shrinking Gildan tees and physical games you can just fucking buy digitally are essential services amid a global pandemic. But just throw them SOME bone, alright? Install an indoor demo ventilator. Let your immunocompromised clerks enjoy five minutes of fresh O2 before they drown on the inside. As a treat.)

Why does Dick Pound want to postpone at least a year? I can’t wait that long for my flattening.

(You sound like more of a BME Pain Olympics guy than an Olympic one. You just have to wait as long as it takes your TOR Browser to load for that one, and years for the subsequent irreversible mental scarring to heal.)

 

Shopping Around

 

What does it mean if I’m slowly becoming addicted to watermelon-flavored sparkling water?

 (It means you need to add more variety to your addictive panic buying. Supermarket shelves might be collecting dust right now, but those shelves of dick pills and Pyrex glass at the off-brand corner gas station are good as new.)

How do I break it to my mother that having me be the one sent off to leave the house and get groceries wouldn’t change much as that’s not how the virus works?

 (Break it with empathy and compassion. Explain that this is collectively a difficult time for all of us, and playing pissing contests with your suffering does no one any favors. Express your love with an amicable hand hold. A tight hug. A squeeze. A chivalrous doorknob hold. A peck on the cheek. Platonically. Then visit your grandparents to do the same, especially if they’re lonely in a nursing home right now.)

I don’t have health insurance, what’s the best fast food straw for sucking the fluid out of my lungs?

(WaWa. Single use plastic. None of that namby pamby libtard recycled tree shit. If you’re gonna suffocate to death, you might as well suffocate with your personalized 64oz Coca-Cola Freestyle® sugar water while you’re at it.) 

Out of soap and just had the water cut off. Best body fluid to lather my hands with?

(Urine. It’s sterile. Less bacteria than tap water. You can drink it. Brad Pitt said so 20 years ago, and how could that dashing smile lie?)

 

Nut Aggression Principle

 

I finished Pornhub, which site should I go to next?

(I’d go for a more wholesome palate cleanser. Use this quarantine time to educate yourself on self care and the culinary arts. Look up recipes for a hearty dinner at places like specialfriedrice.net!)

Pine Barrens militiaman here. Should I outfit my M4 SOPMOD with an under-barrel Lysol spray, 650ml Kohler mobile bidet, or pneumatic motor-vibrated XL amethyst Bad Dragon?

(You can live without Febreezing your ass or fucking your ass, but even through societal collapse, there’ll always be a need to wash your ass. Just be sure you’re hitting the right trigger to wash it out with water, and not 5.56×45 NATO bullets.)

As a libertarian, how do I tell the fluid entering my lungs that it’s violating the NAP?

(You don’t. Why would you want to be reliant on radical socialist welfare systems like government assistance, and not being turned away and left to die on the sidewalk?)

Why doesn’t Rand Paul chin up and develop a vaccine with the free market’s invisible hands?

(Why would he? He pulled his bootstraps high enough to work a week after testing positive. Why would our nation’s patriotic GOPers turn into regressive leftist snowflakes who need safe spaces from things like gradually choking to death on super pneumonia?)

 

America, The Beautiful

 

One of my friends is a millionaire apologist, what do I do?

(Steal his dorm refund and government UBI checks, and tell him you’ll trickle them back down to him eventually.)

Who will win: one $21.44 trillion economic infrastructure, or one little nucleic boi?

(Can’t say I’m too crazy about this whole graduating into a global depression thing, but who doesn’t love a good underdog story with the Little Guy?)

Why did my parents have to choose this fucking country for a better life?

(Better question; why’d they have to choose you and me for a fucking life? It’s not a good time over here.)