WASHINGTON — Rex Tillerson is out as Secretary of State following a bad dream President Trump had late last night. Sources say Trump dreamed that Mr. Tillerson was a scary T-Rex chasing him around the South Lawn and through the Rose Garden of the White House before eating him, forcing Trump to wake up and scream, “Ahhhhhhh, you’re fired.” Trump then reportedly made the official decision to let Tillerson go, and consulted his stuffed penguin, Mr. Waddles, to help him get back to sleep.
By Jane Samuels
By Talia Richards
By Ivan Yakinoff
Can’t Play the Saxophone
PISCATAWAY— After another disappointing season as the laughing stock and bottom feeder of the Big 10, Rutgers Athletics, trying to redeem their shitty sports program, have decided to introduce new
deadly blood sports to bring back excitement for their fans.
Some of the new sports to be included are gladiator fighting, wild west duels, bull fighting, shotgun tag, and of course bear wrestling. The funding for these sports have already started and it is believed that once the program takes off, it will put the games ancient Romans and rednecks played to shame.
Athletic scholarships are already being prepared for these sports and will have a wide array of requirements. People who have a death wish and want to go out in style will be first priority. Followed by emo kids who enjoy cutting and people with blood fetishes as a close second.
Athletics director Pat Hobbs is ecstatic to bring this news over to the Big 10. In a recent conference, Hobbs said, “Rutgers will finally be relevant in the Big 10 again. We don’t need no silly football nor basketball to compete with the conference now. We’ll be battling it out on the biggest stage with gore galore. The rest of the conference will be too pansy to follow in our footsteps and we’ll dominate the blood sports league because no one else would want to play us.”
As revolutionary as these blood sports would be, there’s of course still a lot of controversy against these games. Many squeamish sheltering Christian moms have come out and said, “just because we let our kids watch Jesus bleed out in church doesn’t not mean this is appropriate for our kids. The country has lost all of it sense of morals!”. On the other side, hemophiliacs believe these games shouldn’t be allowed because they discriminate against them. “I’m not allowed to participate in these blood sports because of my condition. But let’s be real here, if you want real extreme blood sports, what you need are more hemophiliacs fighting to the death”.
Rutgers plans to roll out these sports by the beginning of next fall. When the time comes, these games will give us a good distraction next year from watching our football team lay goose eggs at every game.
Step 1: Receive your paycheck via direct deposit.
Step 2: Think you have a lot more money than you actually do.
Step 3: Open whatever ordering app you have on your phone.
Step 4: Take the next 45 minutes to browse the vast selection of restaurants they have to order from.
Step 5: Choose a restaurant that you’ve never eaten at to order from.
Step 6: Add something that looks tasty to your cart.
Step 7: Immediately second guess your decision and order from the same place you always do.
Step 8: Order two additional items to the one you actually wanted to hit
the delivery minimum.
Step 9: Pay the additional six dollars in delivery fees.
Step 10: Wait for 45 minutes for your food to arrive.
Step 11: Run outside barefoot and in your pj’s to get your food.
Step 12: Don’t skimp on the tip, dicks.