Not by Colleen
Ok Professor, I get that it’s only the third week of school, but my name is not Colleen. If you didn’t take attendance every day and make us do a humiliating ice breaker the first day of class where we had to
share our childhood nicknames, I may have looked past this. But here we are, in a fifteen-person seminar on Victorian literature discussing the role of women in this time and I can’t help but find it a little ironic. I am literally the only girl in this class and your actions are leading me to believe that you haven’t applied what we talk about to your actual life.
By Harsh Singh
I like to think I’m a pretty-up-to date with world and national events, but the Olympics always take me by surprise. I get that they come like every two years, but that’s enough time to totally forget about them and be totally shocked when they come back around. Plus, every time they come, they come back at a different time of year than the last time. I just wish I could get a heads up next time. I like watching hundreds of countries compete on the world stage for fancy necklaces as much as the next guy, but a little prior notice so I can prepare would be great. It always seems like I am the last to know and I miss the opening ceremonies which is the coolest part. Then my friends invite me to parties and I think they’re just plain parties and they turn out to be Olympics themed. Then there’s the office pool which I completely missed out on. And they’re in South Korea! How much more exciting can it get? A country neighboring an absolute dictatorship is a recipe for unlimited international fodder, and look I’m already a week late! But also, how do they plan to play beach volleyball in February?
By Alison Gomez
Dear everyone, including this one kid in my club: Headphones,
especially the over-the-ear kind, are not meant to be neck accessories. They have one purpose and that is to transmit sound waves from your electronic device to your inner ears. They have no aesthetic value whatsoever and should not be treated as a necklace, collar, neck warmer, choker, scarf, tie or anything else. You just look foolish. More than that, think about the strain on your neck due to the weight of the headphones. Plus, you might not know this, but .05% of all accidental deaths in the United States each year is caused by accidental strangulation due to cords around necks. That could be you if you’re not careful. As you can see, the risks involved with wearing headphones around your neck are high, if not in diminishing your self-esteem, actually putting your life in jeopardy.
By Nahil Akbar
Man, I’d never thought I could do it, but I was able to escape the state penitentiary in Trenton. I couldn’t believe just how easy it was. Our prison guard was out for the day so we had our substitute cop in. What was even better is that it was donut day at the cafeteria. I stuffed a whole box in my pants and when it was time for the daily routine checks, it was my time to shine. When the cop came to my cell, he fainted from the aroma of my ball sweat covered donuts. Then, I reached for his keys, took his clothes, and walked my way to freedom. Too easy. Even skipping physical education class back during my school days was more of a challenge than this. Hell, this was even easier than escaping my former arranged marriage. I kept telling my parents I didn’t want to marry and I’d rather just live my life as a crappy fiction writer. They weren’t having it. They kept saying words like dishonor, family, doctor, and disappointment. I honestly didn’t care. Nor did I care about the girl they were trying to arrange me with. As I resisted every attempt from my parents trying to get me married, I unintentionally created Family Politics War episode 2434. The episode finally ended when I decided to rob my family’s own convenience store, so I could be sent to prison. Only then did I finally escape the nightmare. While I may have lost 6 months of my life in the slammer, I in return saved myself many years of misery from my parents asking when my children would become doctors and eternity of being married to a woman I didn’t love.
By Bill O’Leary
Yeah. That’s right, you read that right, white people need to die. I don’t mean every single one of them. But I do believe we—yeah that’s right, I’m a whitey too—need to shed some blood. Every time I see the headline, “Man shot by police,” I hope that the victim is a white male. It’s only fair. We deserve it. Each time, I open up my laptop and click on the news links to see if I’m going to see the face of a white bastard, deserving of a bullet, and instead it’s always some poor, black kid, who was wearing a hoodie, or walking down the street with skittles. It’s just so unjust that only minorities are shot by police and I believe that maybe the best way to get over the racial divide in this country is to allow for the score to be evened. I firmly believe whitey has to spill some blood to make that happen, only then will our country be united. I offer to be first.