By: Certified Italian Hater
By: Hugh Janus
By: Hugh Janus
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): A confused grandma wants to bake you by next week.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): Grass will not grow under your titties.
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20): You will fly around SHI stadium if your professor writes to Obama.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22): Your backpack will erupt when your mom delivers diapers.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22): The king of Canada will slide into your DMs on Friday.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): DJ Khaled and Jungkook will confiscate your wig.
Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22): Your dick will flatten inside a horse.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): You will see naked men on the LX going to the Quads.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): Your underwear will turn into fire if you go near the Atrium.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): Your dress will be taken off by a hairy man named Hagrid.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): Your home will collapse if you fuck Santa Claus.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): The water you drink will evaporate.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): You will find yourself in a bind this week as you will discover that your enemy is actually in love with you.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): Leaves will fall inside your gaping mouth if we do not do somersaults.
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20): You will get a nice surprise from your greatest dad.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22): This week you will cry, but then you will use the same tissue that you used to dry your tears to catch your jizz.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22): Your armpit will be graciously devoured before the week is over.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): A petite storm will destroy your anus and nostril in Miami.
Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22): I hope you find yourself bouncing on abnormally large, girthy dick by the end of the week #blessed.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): You are not going to Brazil and Tokyo because your mom has developed a ginormous anus.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): You will receive a great job offer, and be very successful and be very wealthy.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): You will visit the Atrium. Don’t be afraid to splurge and treat yourself!
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): You will discover that your sister grows into a well-developed child.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): Selective hearing will occur when you enter your dad’s unexpected sex proposal.
By: Long Island Medium
To raise funds for the SAG-AFTRA strike, celebrities have taken to eBay to auction off their skills and expertise. From Natasha Lyonne offering to help you solve the New York Times crossword puzzle to John Lithgow painting a picture of your dog, the services offered are incredible. Seeing that The Medium is facing budget issues due to Bidenomics, we have come up with 10 services that you can bid for right now.
These services are incredibly rare opportunities you want to take advantage of. If you are interested in any of these services, contact us at themedium.submissions@gmail.com.
By: Hugh Janus
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): You are probably a senior taking freshman-level courses so you’ll want to compete with the 18-year-olds in your class. Haha, you loser.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): This week, you will discover that you do not have a single creative idea in your body when you physically see the thoughts exit your brain.
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20): No, just no. I hope you have a bad week.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22): You will have your first mental breakdown of the year (yay).
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22): This week you will commit arson at Lucy Stone Hall because you couldn’t get around, purr.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): Your loyalty will be tested this week as your friends will ask you to hang out, but you will say you’re too busy jerking off because you can’t say no to people.
Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22): You will be so haunted by school that you will see the Nun in your dreams this week. xoxo, Valak
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): You will want to gaslight your ex into wanting you back to the point where you will simply walk in front of a bus to get their attention.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): This week you will say “It’s only the second week of school, coochie for everyone!”
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (but not internally)
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): You will become a fish in the middle of a class this week (fingers crossed you’re in my class).
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): You think you’re the shit and everyone will soon realize you’re that asshole in class and will not make any friends.
Report By: Personal Lee
Here at The Medium, we’re anything but average. Which fucking sucks. Have you ever tried reaching the top shelf when you aren’t average? It’s so (easy/hard)! So we decided to change that. Presented below is the average Medium member. The Medium Medium, if you will.
Regardless of what they tell you, the Medium Medium member is 5’9”. They were born and raised in Central Jersey, and it shows! They went to public school and did 3 extracurricular activities, including marching band. I guess it wasn’t enough to get them into an Ivy. At least they’ve got a 3.7 at Rutgers. That’s got to count for something, right?
The medium Medium member loves their sense of humor. They’re really funny, and we love that about them. Wanna hear something funny? The Medium Medium member gets fucked by flowers (pollen allergy) almost as much as they get fucked by people (6.5 partners on average, give or take the virgins).
It’s fitting that we added a music page this semester, because the Medium Medium member is a verse. A bottom, too! With a breeding kink. Which probably explains all the pregnancy scares, now that I think about it. No one fucks you unprotected like Rutgers, I guess.
The Medium Medium member is really good at writing articles about statistics, but couldn’t find a funny joke for these ones:
Nicest thing you’ve ever heard: “I’m proud of you.”
Meanest thing you’ve ever heard: Something we can’t write in the paper.
Seen all of our immediate (immedium?) family members naked, plus another cousin for good measure!
Masturbates every other day.
Half Jewish and half Christian
Is equally loved by both their parents, but loves their mom a little more.
The Medium Medium member has ADHD and is really happy that weed was legalized, which is probably why this article is so unfocused (remember the humor thing from before?). They’ve got anger issues and are really insecure and don’t know where they go when they’ll die, but the weed helps.
Most importantly, the Medium Medium member is really good at closing this article.
Ps. Here is one last statistic: Jonathan Holloway made $922,364 gross salary in 2021. That’s roughly 30 times as much as the grad workers he refused to help!
**source: Asbury Park Press public salaries lookup https://content-static.app.com/datauniverse/caspio/bundle/Rutgers_salaries.html
By: The Medium
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): You will kill your host if their name is Kristina because she didn’t leave Gemini for me.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): The tapeworm in you is painting.
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20): It’s when you have two tapeworms!
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22): My tapeworm told me that if your mom says it’s okay with you, then our tapeworms could hold hands .
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22): The kind of tapeworm that you think you can feel moving around you but you are imagining it.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): Your tapeworm is overthinking and being philosophical and shit ig.
Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22): Your tapeworm is leading a model UN conference inside of you.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): Your tapeworm is untrusting and is stealing your nutrients out of revenge.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): The tapeworm in you is fighting your inner demons.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): Your tapeworm will sing “Gotta Go My Own Way” in you.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): The tapeworm within you is your source of power and strength.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): Remember a tapeworm in the stomach is worth more than 2 in the rotten flesh.
By: Hugh Janus
So last night, I went to bed knowing that there is a strike. I woke up to hella emails and basically all my classes were canceled which was obviously great, but considering the circumstances, maybe not. I felt the tapeworm inside me, Shelley, doing backflips at the thought of not having to go to class and take my quiz. The tapeworm then joined the picket line. I felt a picket sign inside of me as it marched its way to my asshole. The tapeworm screamed “FUCK PRESIDENT HOLLOWAY,” and the sound reverberated out of my mouth as a whisper. Shelley continued with the anti-Holloway sentiments as she ripped up every drawing of her former hero and lover in agony. I think at one point she called Nahtonhoj, the tapeworm inside President Holloway, and said, “I want you to make his life hell.” I think these were Shelley’s last words before her demise. Once I shat out my tapeworm, I heard her go “eat my ass Holloway” as it was flushed down the toilet.
The Medium 