Parents and Children Mortified After Study Finds Fetishes Are Hereditary

BY Jizelle Cuchy

NEW BRUNSWICK— After a new study carried out by biologists and psychologists on Busch Campus, researchers have announced that they have found that fetishes are passed down from generation to generation. Following the announcement, every member of the audience and the researchers were all visibly shaking at the thought of sharing fetishes with their parents and children.

We asked Rutgers students what they thought about the discovery and the overwhelming reaction has been one of disgust.

“I can’t fucking believe it, this is fucking terrible. Apparently my dad is also into daddy-daughter porn and sorority hazing gone sexual. I’m fucking disgusted, I want to die.” said Kaitlyn Smith, a School of Communications Senior and President of Sigma Psi Psi, “No wonder he always wanted to hear about what I would do to the new pledges.”

hereditary.jpgJoanne Shellman, mother of twins at Rutgers had this to say, “It’s nice to understand that what my children are going through is exactly what I went through at their age, and what my parents and grandparents went through. However if I knew they shared my fetishes earlier, I would not have bought them horse and pony Halloween costumes when they asked, around the age of 14. I also would not have gotten them all the pony paintings, and stuffed animals.”

Not all Rutgers students have been upset or disturbed by the news, some have taken the news in stride.

“It’s not all that bad,” said Kitty Jackson, a School of Arts and Sciences Sophomore, “I just stopped calling him Dad and starting calling him Daddy. It’s been great. Sometimes I purposefully stay out past my curfew just because I know he’ll punish me when I get back.”

Kenji Nakata, a School of Engineering freshman was happy to hear the news, “The first thing my father and I did was go down to the fish market to buy Octopus tentacles. Then we went home to have a little fun with my mom.”

One group that seems to be unaffected by the news are the students who are adopted.

“Thank fucking God, my birth parents are dead and I never knew them,” said Kevin Chen, a School of Arts and Sciences senior.

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