By M.D. Phemsell
It’s been a while since y’all have last heard from me. I survived an assassination attempt, but that worthless man didn’t know how much spite I had in me. I won, and I live on. It’s Valentine’s Day, I have two hands (keeping it traditional), /r/gonewildaudio, and AO3 with me.
Honestly, with the shit I went through recently, I feel like I can tank a broken man. Fix him right up and send him out to the world like Normal SpongeBob. The mental illness would surely cancel out to some extent.
Dissenters will say that broken men will make broken lives, but if it’s broken, you gotta fix it! You know how men recoil when a woman reflects the same horny energy as them? I’ll have them doing the thousand-yard stare. In their vulnerable moments, like when they fail a test or lose a Reddit debate, I recommend hitting them with the “small talk” dialogue options, slowly molding them into normal beings. Maybe then you can radicalize them (convince them that women are people.)
I order my female fans to dress up and visit Busch campus; find a computer science student (they wear hoodies and khaki shorts, or you can pinpoint the onion-like odor, but that’s easy to mix up with engineering students, although they’re not better). Hit them with the batted eyelashes and compliment them; they’ll arch their back instantly. Once you date them, ignore the misogyny; just follow through with the plan. Happy Valentine’s Day.
The Medium 