Category Archives: Sports

Lebron James Recruits Teenage Youtubers for Space Jam 2

By Robin Banks 

Los Angeles – Picture this. The year is 1996. Kids were doing The Macarena (oblivious to the fact that it was about a girl who cheated on an army man). Cartoon Network had the greatest lineup of all time. One thing that all Americans could agree upon was that Michael Jordan was the greatest basketball player of that generation. It was in 1996 that Michael Jordan starred in Space Jam. Arguably the most successful basketball movie, Space Jam featured famous athletes such as Larry Bird, Charles Barkley, and Patrick Ewing, just to name a few. These basketball players dominated the 90’s, as well as the big screen. Fast forward to 2019, things are far from perfect. 

 

In September of 2018, it was announced that this generation’s little-less-greater-than Michael Jordan, Lebron James, would be starring in a sequel of the original Space Jam film, Space Jam 2. Given the big names that starred in the first movie, fans and movie critics alike are expecting the Larry Birds of this generation to be in the movie. For example, stars such as Kevin Durant, Russel Westbrook, and Giannis Antetokounmpo were all expected to be a part of the film. However, nothing has yet been finalized, and shooting starts very soon. As a result, James, the star of the movie, has taken a rather unconventional route. 

 

Youtube. Youtube. Youtube. Everyone has their favorite Youtube star. The kids have Jojo Siwa. The teens have MattyBRaps. The adults have Jojo Siwa. Lebron James has looked towards Youtube to cast roles in the new Space Jam 2 movie. Given the millions of views these Youtubers rake in per video, James believes that this is necessary to make the movie a success. “Listen man, I want to make Space Jam 2 for the kids. I was a kid when Space Jam came out, and that s*** inspired the hell outa me. I’m just trying to give back to the community”, said James. In light of these words, basketball fans took to the streets. Wanting to reminisce their childhood, older people took to the streets to protest the remarks. “Man f*** those kids. They get everything”, said family care attorney, Harry Feinstein. 

 

While not confirmed, rumors have it that Jojo Siwa has a guaranteed role in the upcoming film. She is said to have the potential to bring an unusual flair on set, something that current NBA players lack. Even though it is a basketball movie, the producers of the film want to be inclusive of all people. Having rich male athletes starring alongside an even richer male athlete is the story of the past. Even though Siwa may be rich, scientists do not know what to classify her as. You cannot get more inclusive than that.

Local College Student Memorizes Every Geico Ad While Waiting for NBA Season

By: Flick Booger 

 

With the 2019-2020 NBA season barely a day old, there has been nothing but hype for the upcoming 8 months. In what has been called the greatest preseason ever, there have been numerous trades injuries that have arguably shaken up the equilibrium of the game – most notably Kawhi Leonard’s and Paul George’s move to LA, and Kevin Durant’s season-ending injury and move to Brooklyn. With balance finally restored to the NBA kingdom, fans are eager to begin rooting for their team, and shitting on everyone else who do not concur with them. With over 1 billion fans across the globe, that’s a lot of shit. Waste Management Inc. has released a statement where they say they plan on “shifting into maximum overdrive”. 

 

In terms of fans, the NBA has the whole gamut – from diehard loyal, to perennial bandwagoners. One particular fan has caught some press recently. Tyler Mcgee of Rutgers University has claimed that he has memorized every, single Geico commercial from the beginning of time. When asked how he achieved this incredible feat, he said that he had spent the last week glued to his TV in preparation for the start of the NBA season. “Yeah, I know the real games don’t start until Tuesday, but I just wanted to prepare myself y’know? I wanted to condition my girlfriend, because trust me, I will be a dick for the next 8 months”. To test out whether or not Mcgee’s claim to fame was a farce, The Medium decided to ask him a couple of questions. A sample question asked was, “When the cavemen are dining at a restaurant with Geico’s CEO, what does the first one order”? The answer, which Mcgee immediately answered, was roast duck with mango salsa. 

 

Because Mcgee’s unusual rise to the top of Reddit was unconventional, there were many haters. Some people said, “Why don’t you get a ducking life you duck”, to which McGee responded, “why don’t you rediscover autocorrect you tit”. Despite the trolls, Mcgee’s life has not hit rock bottom. Geico has reached out to Mcgee and has offered him a 4 year Geico commercial deal worth upwards of $10 million. According to our calculations, he will hit rock bottom after blowing his first paycheck on coke.

Adam Silver Paid Lifetime Supply of Wontons to Side with China

Shanghai – The National Basketball Association has become embroiled in an international dispute after Houston Rockets’ GM Daryl Morey tweeted in support of Hong Kong and its protestors. The NBA has built an indelible relationship with China, as a recent statistic pointed out that 500 million Chinese fans watched at least one basketball game last season. China, known for its rich history, it’s amazing food, and the occasional ethnic cleansing of Muslim and other minority populations, was offended by Morey’s tweet. As a result, NBA Commissioner, and overall cue ball, Adam Silver, publicly sent out a statement that the NBA values its relationship with the Chinese citizens (and their very much suffering factions). Understandably, many players and coaches are being held accountable as a result of poor administrative dealings. 

 

During the preseason, Adam Silver had a tense meeting with many NBA players, most notably Lebron James. During the meeting, Silver was quoted as being, “a UChicago lawyer mofu**a”. To qualm players’ fears, Silver promised to personally talk to dictator, I mean, President Xi regarding the situation. However, the Medium team has received some insider information regarding Adam Silver’s comments. Apparently, given Adam Silver looks like an emaciated Benjamin Button, a local wonton joint, Hangzhou Xiao, promised the commissioner a lifetime supply of wontons for him and his family. The owner of the restaurant happily agreed to the terms and conditions only after a man dressed up in a Yao Ming jersey threatened to make wontons out of his family. With much of the media comparing Silver to yet another Chinese pawn, Silver made yet another public appearance, this time looking more robotic and sounding like a man from the Orient. He said, “China is great. It make me money. It make me happy”.  

 

Hong Kong has been ensnared in a series of protests for the past couple of months. With hundreds of people harmed and possibly killed, the protests seem to only pick up steam. Hey, at least one man got his fair share of wontons just for a couple million people to lose their loved ones. 

 

#FreeHongKong

Rutgers Football Game Turns into Street Fighter 6

By Flick Booger 

 

SHI(t) Stadium – Rutgers vs. Boston College. But it was not that kind of fight night. During the second quarter of Saturday’s game, Rutger QB, Artur Standkowski threw a deep line drive to some random wide receiver for a touchdown. (While a measly effort was made to identify the wide receiver, the Medium Sports team has decided that the name is probably irrelevant given he will probably not make it to the NFL). It was time for celebration both on and off the field. The hundred or so freshman that have yet to realize that no one actually stays past the first quarter rejoiced with a non-alcoholic orange juice. On the field however, was a different story. A Rutgers Offensive Lineman (Again, an effort was made. Alas, no point in mentioning a name) clocked the Rutgers QB right on the left side of his temple. While the motive was unknown, inside sources claim that the OL wanted to knock some sense into the failing QB. Many media outlets covered the hit, including Bleacher Report and ESPN. 

 

After the field goal kick, it was reported a fight broke out on the sidelines of Rutgers. In normal football games, fights usually break out against opposing teams either due to a conflict of interest or a bad call. However, those reading this must be considerate of the fact that this is Rutgers football, the alleged birthplace of college football. What transpired was a story to remember. While sitting down and listening to the defensive coordinator, the OL in question was met with a hit, this time from none other than Rutgers’ highest paid employee/failure as a coach, Chris Ash. Apparently, Coach Ash was enraged with the fact that the OL dared to even touch Sitkowski. Last year, Ash made a huge campaign and wasted the funds of even more Rutgers students’ tuition in order to recruit the QB from the prestigious IMG Academy – he was not going to allow some OL from Beavertown, NJ deter him from this program. 

 

Slowly, yet surely, the brawl escalated. Coordinator followed by coordinator, offense followed by defense, the benches cleared out. It was all out war. The fight lasted about two minutes, but the injuries will for sure last a lifetime. All in all, the brave Rutgers EMS squad showed up in their four ambulances to treat the 50-member squad. Some players vowed to quit the program, but recanted their threat after realizing that they would be losing not only their scholarship, but also free housing, free food, a multi-million dollar training facility, “passing” grades, and Barchi’s personal protection. As a result of the brawl, the Rutgers Athletic Dept. announced that the football team will lose all their games on purpose this season. Sure…”on purpose”.

Eli Manning Swapped for Dumber, Uglier Version of Himself

By: Flick Booger

East Rutherford – In a strange twist of events a look alike of Eli Manning has been picked as the starting quarterback of the New York Giants. The news broke early Tuesday morning, as the clear blue sky opened up above the Giants training facility above East Rutherford, New Jersey. However, what should have happened was for the sky to turn blood red. This can be said because Eli Manning and his career have been publicly axed. Until now, no one knew who he was, or how he got there. He just randomly showed up because he claims he won a Eli Manning look-alike contest back in high school. Giants’ General Manager, Dave Gettleman, says that he can’t see the difference between the two. His father calls him the next best thing. His sister calls him her husband. His mother calls him her lover. The man in question? Daniel Jones from Duke University. 

In what has shaped out to be a situation similar to when the real Buzz Lightyear was packed away in a box by a FAKE Buzz Lightyear at Al’s Toy Barn in Toy Story 2, the news comes as a huge loss for not only New York, but also the sports world in general. Daniel Jones officially took Eli Manning, stuffed him into the Football Hall of Fame, and went to go play with Woody and his other Giants friends. Jones, the 6th overall pick, comes from a football program that is the polar opposite of its basketball program. With last year’s stars Zion Williamson and RJ Barrett actually ready to begin their respective basketball careers, Daniel Jones looks like he just used his white privilege and oddly-similar looks to get his spot on the starting lineup. 

Eli Manning, arguably one of the greater quarterbacks of his generation, is a two-time Super champion, and a two-time Super Bowl MVP. Additionally, he ranks within the top 10 of TDs thrown, and yards received. With such stats backing up the aging quarterback, you can only wonder whether or not Gettleman and crew were smoking long doobies one Sunday evening when they made this decision. Daniel Jones has a long road ahead of him. With already a 0-2 season, there is not too much room for error. At this point, going 0-16 would look a lot better than 1-15. The Giants definitely need to reconsider their draft pick and get their heads straight. Many people are already showing their concern, with one fan saying, “I dread the second coming of Jesus less than this”. At the Medium, we wish Daniel Jones all the bad luck ahead of him.