Category Archives: Sports

Fox Agrees to Air 12 Hours of NFL Injuries in Place of Football Games

By Robin Banks

New York— On Sunday, right after Washington Redskins quarterback Alex Smith snapped his leg in two on live television, NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell announced that this Thanksgiving, all scheduled games will be cancelled. In place of this, the NFL has agreed with Fox to air 12 hours of some of the most gruesome injuries players have faced in the modern era. “We would like to give thanks this year to the equipment used by our players. Sure, a couple of them get hurt, but most of them leave the league without a scratch, right?”, said Goodell.

News spread like wildfire (too soon?) and, arguably, everyone and their 65-year-old uncle were furious. “Why should I care about who got hurt? I laid my life down for this country in ‘Nam, the least I could ask for is to ask for men in tights to beat the shit out of each other”, said outspoken critic against basic human rights, Rhett Smith. Many have threatened to boycott the NFL and the network, with many citing that watching football on Thanksgiving is the only thing they look forward to in their miserable lives.

The NFL gave a preview of the lineup of injuries that will be shown. In the morning, life threatening injuries will be shown, including Jeff Fuller breaking his neck, and Joe Theismann breaking his leg. In the afternoon, less serious injuries will be shown, including Junior Seau’s arm going limp. At night time, when half of America will be in an induced food coma, an encore of concussions will be shown to resemble the general population. As Americans come together this Thanksgiving, let us all give thanks to the wonderful game of American football, despite its barbaric history and propensity to destroy the mental capabilities of many young Americans.

YANKEES SIGN CRICKET SUPERSTAR TO NEW RECORD CONTRACT

By Ivan Yakinoff
Still Needs to do Taxes

NEW YORK— In the latest in season roster move, the New York Yankees have made the surprise move of the season by signing Bangladeshi cricket super star Shakib Al Hasan to their new starting roster. Hasan, the greatest cricket player from Bangladesh, is thrilled that he can finally live his life long goal of being the first rich guy to achieve the American dream.

“Everyone knows about the American dream and how dirt poor people from developing countries come to get a somewhat better life in a country with an even higher cost of living than their own home country. But today I break that trend. I already enjoy a life of luxury in Bangladesh and now in America I enjoy an even bigger life of luxury with legal booze and fine women from all corners of Earth. said Hasan.

General manager Brian Cashman and manager Aaron Boone welcomed Hasan to the team and America by buying him a ecomomy flight from Dhaka and making him pay for his own hotel in the Bronx. Believing him to the big star that will help bring the Yankees back to their glory days, the  team signed him to a 15 year, $690 million contract, which is currently the largest contract in MLB history.

Despite the fact the cricket and baseball are still very different sports, the Yankees seem to be completely oblivious to that fact. They are totally confident that Hasan will have no problem transitioning from one sport that takes forever to complete to another sport that takes forever to complete.

“We heard what people said, that Hasan won’t be able to grasp the boringness and the slow ass snail pace of baseball, but rest be assured he’s got that locked down. He’s already brought his bulk size order of sunflower seeds and chewing tobacco” said manager Aaron Boone.

In preparation for his new life in America, Hasan is staying in bed dreaming about achieving the American dream.

“Alleged” NFL Double Murderer Insists he’s a Real Christian

By Ivan Yakinoff
Diabetic

LOS ANGELES— In the latest wild NFL offseason news, former Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis hailed his inner Jesusman and came out just hours ago with this statement when asked how he would spend 10 minutes with  Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr.

“Where there’s no God, there’s chaos. Odell has removed God from his life. This is a kid that grew up under the covenant of who God really is. And everything he’s doing, he’s crying out for help. We have a lot of people reporting about it, but it’s always been the duty of elders to go back to help people. So that’s why I raised my hand.”

As you can see, Mr. Lewis, or shall we say, Pastor Lewis, is a supposedly a real man of God. Along with a long Hall of Fame career in which he won 2 Super Bowls, Ray Lewis is also a part time TV pastor in which he shares his Chrisitan insight and tries to enlighten us all.

Despite the fact that back in 2000, when Lewis himself was involved in a double murder in which he was “allegedly” involved in the cover-up and the fact that he has 6 kids with 4 different baby mommas, Ray Lewis still insists his Christian side is totally not a act to hide and take away attention from his wrong doings.

“Let’s be real here, sure Ray Lewis was a great football player, but his preaching is a just a load of hogwash. For all we know, if he really sat down with Odell, he’d probably be more concerned with him treating him as a kicking net and playing his diva antics than actually having any sort of great religious conversation.” said Reddit r/NFL user XxTerminatedTheBirds.

Just like how we’ll never know for sure just how much Ray Lewis was actual involved in the murders, we’re just as doubtful if we’ll know how much, if any, of a real God fearing Christian he truly is. But we have more proof for the murders.

Rutgers Ranked as Best College for Home Grown Cricket Talent

By Rimond Siddique
Sports Editor

In the latest collegiate cricket rankings, Rutgers who has the number one cricket team in the nation, has also been praised for having the most players on a team to all be from neighboring towns. Out of the 11 full time starters on the team, 7 of them are from neighing New Brunswick town Edison and the other 4 are from the Piscataway part of town that borders Edison.

While most colleges look for cricket talent internationally from places such as the West Indies and South Asia, what Rutgers has done by fielding such a strong cricket team made entirely out of locals has caught the eyes of recruiters across the country.

Many college recruiters now routinely make trips to J.P. Stevens High School in Edison looking to the next big cricket superstar to give a full scholarship to. While cricket is still relatively unknown to most Americans, the rise of immigration from South Asia is to bring the sport more into mainstream American culture.

In the meantime, as Rutgers celebrates it’s great new distinction in the NCAA, it’s now preparing spring training for its new Class of 2022 recruiting class. As Rutgers baseball is still struggling to be relevant, many fans and school athletic directors have hope cricket will be the savior.

Watching Paint Dry About to Give Baseball a Run for its Money

By Lou Skunt
Porn Director

America’s pastime? More like it’s America’s paint time! As the 2018 MLB season comes to an opening, ratings this year are expected to be
absolutely abysmal and their lowest ever in the history of the game since TV was in- vented. Americans, finally realizing just how boring baseball is, have finally decided to revoke the games apple pie comparison status and watch something more exciting.

The new sport, that’s creeping up and threatening baseball’s classic status is none other than the classic watching paint dry. Usually used as a comparison example of a boring and mundane activity, watching paint dry in recent years has become quite the extreme sport.

The game consists of a person painting something, anything from a professional painter doing his job to a Trump supporter painting
black face to make it show that Trump has black supporters, is fair game in the competition. Then the painter must sit and watch in silence as his work dries up. Despite the initial impressions, this
game is not for the weak and as a fan and spectator, can actually get quite exciting.

Many participants have done stuff like fall asleep for days and even shit their pants just from the intense maddening activity from staring at paint all day. In more extreme cases, many have also gone mentally insane from and had to be institutionalized in a paint factory. Fans don’t have it any easier. Die hard fans of watching paint dry have reported getting “second-hand effects. This is when the fan ends up with the same effects as the players after watching paint non-stop for hours on end.

New TV contracts for this game have already started and Sherwin-Williams stock is expected to peak once the new paint drying season takes full effect. The paint drying season will be directly competing with baseball season and is expected to bring in 10X more excited fans in every game than in baseball.

Move over baseball, there’s a new sport in town that’s actually exciting and won’t totally possibly kill you of boredom. Let’s be real here, no one really watches baseball for the excitement of the game, soccer is more exciting.

New College Studies Show Theater Most Popular Major Amongst Soccer Players

By Ivan Yakinoff
Outsourced Staff Writer

After a year long study into the majors of hundreds of thousands of NCAA student athletes, new research has revealed that the overwhelming majority of soccer players in college are also theater majors. The combination of soccer players and theater was an even bigger and more popular combination than football and communications.

This new reveal pretty much shocked absolutely no one. Both soccer fans and the researchers alike were actually
surpised the numbers weren’t
higher.

“Baseball has steroids, sumo wrestling has a shit ton of food, and basketball has people who won the genetic lottery, but in order to well in soccer, you better be able to put on an Oscar worthy fake injury show at any given moment. Players like Messi and Ronaldo didn’t just become great just on pure skills and talent alone.” said
fellow Rutgers student and big soccer fan Tomas Lopez.

As the studies were realeased to the public, many have started wondering whether soccer players who finish their theater degrees have a significant adavantage over those who don’t and possibly deserve a lifetime ban.

“The use of complex theatrical skills in the soccer field is key to becoming a great football player. Unfortunely, not everyone is a big enough show off to go to college and play both soccer and school
at the same time. We get that you can be an actor and play soccer. But damn just make it more fair for the rest of us who weren’t so damn advantaged.” said high school and soccer academy dropout Michael Coney.

Meanwhile, colleges across the county with stuggling theater programs are sending recuriters to South America and Europe as a last ditch attempt to save their asses from fading into obscurity.