Category Archives: Sports

Rutgers Esports Prepares for First Competitive Stardew Valley Match

It’s a big day in esports history as Rutgers kicks off the first game of competitive Stardew Valley, competing against the Rochester Institute of Technology. Stardew Valley, as a farming game, had no intention of ever being an esport, and most players hadn’t even considered it as one. That all changed over spring break as a few members of the Rutgers Esports community gathered together and challenged a few of their rival schools to a formal competition.

How, though, will this tournament work? It’s a simple race to complete the community center, which involves farming, foraging, fishing, mining, and quite a bit of luck to gather the proper items. Both Rutgers and RIT have gathered eight of their best players and gathered them into two teams of four, and starting tomorrow morning the competition will begin. The first team to fully complete the community center will win the competition, and their school will advance to the next stage of the competition.

The Medium was lucky enough to interview one of their players, HarmoniDiscord, on how they’re feeling about the competition: “I’m looking forward to it! I’ve put over 500 hours into Stardew Valley but I never imagined I’d get to play competitively. It’s going to be a big commitment, the community center takes a LONG time, but we have a good team of dedicated, experienced players, and I’m sure we’ll do better than RIT.”

Because this is the first ever Stardew Valley tournament, there’s only four schools in the running, and the prize pool isn’t very big. However, the finals are still going to be played on the main stage of the Scarlet Classic V, which is April 14th at the Livingston Student Center.

Women’s UFC Matches Should Have Hot Dudes as Ring-Boys

By, Curio B. Exual

It is simple, why don’t we have hot, barrel chested, bleach blonde, scrumptious booty boys to do the whole walking around the ring between rounds and the weigh-in fiascos. Okay, they don’t have to be blonde, but everything else still stands.

Alright, let’s get the boring one out of the way. The overt sexism is pervasive in all fighting sports. Ring girls exemplify antiquated notions of fighting sports that have existed forever. Yadda yadda objectifying women, yadda yadda enforcing gender norms, yadda yadda hypocrisy of having women fighters and ring-girls yadda yadda. We all know of this and how it’s bad and like OMG Karen you don’t have to shove your Women’s Study papers down my throat. Now to the fun part, THEM HUNKY BOOTY BOYS!

I want these fucks to be 6 foot tall and ripped in places I didn’t even know existed. Fighters are too scary and look weird with all their bruises and giant egos. I want a soft, sensual, sultry man walking around with those stupid cards. He has to be loaded in the following categories: funk, junk, and the trunk. I don’t care if men are the target audience. You’ll finally get women and the rest of the sexual spectrum will finally give damn about your barbaric, ego-driven, testosterone-ridden idea of a sport.

Bill Belichick Smiles For First Time in Years, Blinds Newscaste

By

Robin Banks

Atlanta- With the Super Bowl done and over with, the world can finally turn its full attention to basketball (or maybe even cricket?). However, the week leading up to the Super Bowl always is stressful for not only the teams playing, but also their fans, apparently have anxiety way up to the end. The week had its share of viral moments, with Patriots Head Coach “Stone Cold” Bill Belichick leading the pack.

Many media outlets criticize Belichick for his lack of emotion during press conferences and his rather mumbled vocabulary. With many reporters attempting to make him laugh, Belichick has, for many years, not shown his pearly whites. Until now. On Thursday, ESPN’s Michael Wilbon made a joke about “Deflategate” which occurred a couple of years ago. Upon hearing this, Belichick could not help but give a huge smile. This rare sighting gave the answer to why Bill doesn’t want to show his teeth. In what is now being investigated as a possible fourth degree assault, Belichick’s smile briefly blinded all the reporters present. Some were even sent to the local ophthalmologist to get their sight checked. In a subsequent press conference, Belichick confided that he had gone to Dr. Aamir Wahab, DDS, famed dentist who brightened the smiles of many celebrities, to get a brand new set of teeth, and a possible way to veer off unwanted press coverage.

Celtics GM Danny Ainge Accidentally Offers Brad Steven’s Life for Anthony D

By

Robin Banks

Boston – The NBA went on a rollercoaster this past week. The week started out with the good news that Lebron would be coming back to play for the first time in nearly a month. Almost the next day the Knicks, ever the stupidest team in the NBA, traded their franchise player, Kristaps Porzingis, to Dallas in exchange for two average players and a future first round pick that may not be even worth it in the end. Even with all this, another development emerged. New Orleans’ center, franchise player and unibrow aficionado Anthony Davis publicly asked for a trade out of the Boston Celtics.

“The brow” was slapped with a $50,000 fine as a result of this public announcement, mere chump change for him. As expected, many teams lined up to offer half their roster for the big man. One team in particular, the Boston Celtics, offered a bit too much. ESPN’s Adrian Wojnarowski first reported, “…the Celtics offered the Pelicans two first round picks and the life of head coach of Celtics’ head coach Brad Stevens”. Rightfully, the sports realm erupted in shock and horror. Danny Ainge, realizing his mistake, had a few remarks of his own: “I was joking about that. I really was. As much as I wanted to have Davis join our team, I never would have wanted to sell Brad’s soul”.

The Celtics have been known to simply let go of many important people within its organization. For example, two years ago, the Celtics simply let go their star point guard Isaiah Thomas. It was after that many began to doubt the Celtics’ antics. In a press conference, coach Brad Stevens said, “Hey, as long as I am getting paid and am guaranteed a job for life, I am all good”. With the offer on the table, the Pelicans have yet to decline or accept the offer

Luka Modrić Wins Ballon d’Or, Ronaldo Did Not Pay Enough (314)

Robin Banks
Messi Fan

Paris, France

(Warning before reading: this article talks about the sport of soccer, AKA football. All references to “soccer” will be addressed as football from now on, you uncultured fools.)

On December 3, 2018 Real Madrid’s Luka Modrić won football’s most coveted individual prize, the Ballon d’Or. The Croatian Midfielder won his third consecutive Champions’ League and led his team to the finals of the FIFA World Cup. It is a win highly deserved and more authentic than previous years. This win is not only significant because it marks the first time a Croatian has won the award, but also the first time in ten years where the winner was neither Cristiano Ronaldo not Lionel Messi.

The other news story to come out of Paris at the same time was the extraordinarily decrease in “donations” received by France Football, the company who gives out the Ballon d’Or. One donor in particular, who goes by the name “Christian Ronald”, did not donate any money to the organization for the first time in ten years. An independent investigation launched by The Medium has concluded with 6.9% confidence that “Christian Ronald”, is, indeed, Portugal star and alleged rapist, Cristiano Ronaldo. By donating large sums of money in return for votes, Ronaldo could possibly be indicted on bribery charges. When pressed on this issue, Ronaldo said, “I donate because I am a good man. However, this year after paying $21 million to settle some unpaid dues, I simply could not afford to spend a penny from my small net worth of $450 million”.

In a press release, France Football said that they will now be accepting donations for the 2018-2019 fiscal year. “We here at France Football want players to not only compete on the field, but also in all aspects of their lives.”, said Sepp Blatter enthusiast and CEO of France Football, Didier Quillot.

Fox Agrees to Air 12 Hours of NFL Injuries in Place of Football Games

By Robin Banks

New York— On Sunday, right after Washington Redskins quarterback Alex Smith snapped his leg in two on live television, NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell announced that this Thanksgiving, all scheduled games will be cancelled. In place of this, the NFL has agreed with Fox to air 12 hours of some of the most gruesome injuries players have faced in the modern era. “We would like to give thanks this year to the equipment used by our players. Sure, a couple of them get hurt, but most of them leave the league without a scratch, right?”, said Goodell.

News spread like wildfire (too soon?) and, arguably, everyone and their 65-year-old uncle were furious. “Why should I care about who got hurt? I laid my life down for this country in ‘Nam, the least I could ask for is to ask for men in tights to beat the shit out of each other”, said outspoken critic against basic human rights, Rhett Smith. Many have threatened to boycott the NFL and the network, with many citing that watching football on Thanksgiving is the only thing they look forward to in their miserable lives.

The NFL gave a preview of the lineup of injuries that will be shown. In the morning, life threatening injuries will be shown, including Jeff Fuller breaking his neck, and Joe Theismann breaking his leg. In the afternoon, less serious injuries will be shown, including Junior Seau’s arm going limp. At night time, when half of America will be in an induced food coma, an encore of concussions will be shown to resemble the general population. As Americans come together this Thanksgiving, let us all give thanks to the wonderful game of American football, despite its barbaric history and propensity to destroy the mental capabilities of many young Americans.

YANKEES SIGN CRICKET SUPERSTAR TO NEW RECORD CONTRACT

By Ivan Yakinoff
Still Needs to do Taxes

NEW YORK— In the latest in season roster move, the New York Yankees have made the surprise move of the season by signing Bangladeshi cricket super star Shakib Al Hasan to their new starting roster. Hasan, the greatest cricket player from Bangladesh, is thrilled that he can finally live his life long goal of being the first rich guy to achieve the American dream.

“Everyone knows about the American dream and how dirt poor people from developing countries come to get a somewhat better life in a country with an even higher cost of living than their own home country. But today I break that trend. I already enjoy a life of luxury in Bangladesh and now in America I enjoy an even bigger life of luxury with legal booze and fine women from all corners of Earth. said Hasan.

General manager Brian Cashman and manager Aaron Boone welcomed Hasan to the team and America by buying him a ecomomy flight from Dhaka and making him pay for his own hotel in the Bronx. Believing him to the big star that will help bring the Yankees back to their glory days, the  team signed him to a 15 year, $690 million contract, which is currently the largest contract in MLB history.

Despite the fact the cricket and baseball are still very different sports, the Yankees seem to be completely oblivious to that fact. They are totally confident that Hasan will have no problem transitioning from one sport that takes forever to complete to another sport that takes forever to complete.

“We heard what people said, that Hasan won’t be able to grasp the boringness and the slow ass snail pace of baseball, but rest be assured he’s got that locked down. He’s already brought his bulk size order of sunflower seeds and chewing tobacco” said manager Aaron Boone.

In preparation for his new life in America, Hasan is staying in bed dreaming about achieving the American dream.