Category Archives: Sports

Man With Crippling Sunflower Seed Allergy Makes Baseball Team

BY Stephen A. Smiff
Underground Failure

FREEHOLD, NJ — Calling it a dream come true, 15-year-old Jessie Holdermann overcame his crippling sunflower seed allergy to make the Freehold Township Travel Summer League B Team.

Holdermann had not played team baseball since 2004, when his allergy was first discovered.

“We first realized he was allergic when he nearly passed out in left field,” said his mother, Annie. “We thought he fell down after chasing around a butterfly, but it turned out he was eating sunflower seeds while playing. Who knew you were allowed to eat a snack mid-game?”

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SAFE FOR NOW Jessie thinks he won’t break out in hives in about five minutes.

Since, Holdermann had only practiced with his father in backyards and batting cages, fearing any accidental contact with any combination of salted, unsalted or ranch flavored sunflower seeds.

“I’ve been waiting for this moment my entire life,” a semi-intelligible Holdermann is assumed to have said in the dugout, as the dusting of sunflower seed shells coating the floor caused his cheeks and tongue to swell. “Making the Travel Summer League B Team is a big accomplishment. We get to showcase our skills in towns like Colts Neck and Wall, and I get to do it with a great group of guys around me, who still enjoy eating sunflower seeds all game.”

The season begins on June 15, but practices have already begun, giving the rest of the team a chance to get comfortable with Holdermann’s allergy.

“In no other sport are you eating something all game,” continued Holdermann. “I don’t really understand why we do it in baseball, but it’s part of the game. Baseball has a rich history, so who am I to interfere with it. If all it takes for me to play the game I love is to suffer in pain and struggle to breathe, than that’s fine with me.”

David Sunflower Seeds has yet to comment on the situation, but as of now the company is still supplying its product.

FOOTBALL PRACTICE FIELD CONFISCATED UNTIL TEAM BEHAVES itself

BY Maximum Powers
Slowly Losing it

NEW BRUNSWICK — Spring training has gotten off to a rocky start at Rutgers. After a disagreement involving players and coaches got out of hand, management decided to take away the football practice field until the two sides can play nice with each other.

The argument was said to have begun when a player accidently ran into a coach during practice, causing the forty-year-old father to get a sizable bruise on his hip and run crying to management that the incident occurred on purpose. This accusation sparked a heated debate on the event with hurtful slurs like “poopy head” and “butt muncher” were thrown at one another. Seeing the volatile nature of the discord, management at Rutgers told both players and coaches to go their respective rooms and calm down, after seeing little change in the situation after a juice and snack break the heads of the football committee decided to take drastic measures and remove the practice field from Rutgers grounds.

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PAVED PARADISE Workers finish moving the last of the grass to a higher location.

Coach Jim “Jimmy” Cooter told The Medium, “This is such crap! That field is more our field than theirs, we’ve had it for longer. God I wish the school never had these kids join the team.”

The field has been removed from the campus and has been placed up in a higher elevation until the athletic department deems the coaches and players have made up and can be friends again. When asked about the loss of the field many players replied through tears that “It’s not fair. They totally started it by blabbing. We said we were sorry so many times, but they won’t believe us.”

While not making an official comment on the matter, Athletic Director Patrick Hobbs remarked “Jesus Christ, again?” He then took off his jacket, grabbed a six pack, and sat to watch TV while ignoring the screams and cries of the players and coaches.

NHL Adds Clay Aiken to Banned Substances

BY Throb Lowe
Wants It That Way

NEW YORK— The National Hockey League announced that they will be adding music by Clay Aiken to their list of banned substances.

Commissioner Gary Bettman told reporters in a conference on Monday that “The National Hockey League is an institution with a storied history. To protect the legacy and the future of the sport of hockey, we will be adding music by Clay Aiken to our list of banned substances.” Bettman continued to say that the amendment will become effective after the post-season has ended.

Research from a third-party group of analysts shows that players who test positive for Clay Aiken are on average less productive on the ice, and more prone to injury. To test whether a play has been listening to Clay Aiken’s music, doctors will softly play the song “Invisible” in the background of the waiting room. If a player quietly hums the chorus or taps along to the beat, doctors mark them as positive.

Columbus Blue Jackets head coach John Tortorella told reporters, “I think the ban is good. I know damn well that my players don’t listen to Clay Aiken. We don’t need guys out on the ice underperforming because they’re daydreaming about his soft eyes.”

Repercussions for a positive test are severe. The first time a player violates the new amendment they will suspended indefinitely for 20 games. The second time a player is caught listening to Clay Aiken they will be suspended for the rest of the season.

While harsh, the rule is justified according to Penguins star Sidney Crosby. “When I broke my jaw back in 2013 it was totally preventable. I’ll admit it, I was singing along to Clay in my head when I got hurt. If I had been paying attention I would have been fine. I’m on board with the new rule, since it’ll help protect the younger guys coming into the league.”

Cuban Santerians win inaugural inter-cult softball league title

Walter Kronkite Jr.
Part of the Family

WAUKEE, IA— As Juancho Gutierrez rounded the bases after socking a walk-off home run, team Santeria encircled home plate and prayed to the Yoruba dieties in thanks of winning the first inaugural inter-cult softball league title.

The Cuban Santerians, who appease the gods by allowing the bloods of sacrificed animals to flow onto the sacred stones of the santero, defeated the Japanese Aum Shinrikyo, an alt-terrorist doomsday group that wreaks havoc on the Japanese subway system, 7-6 on Sunday.

Cult leaders across the world called for a softball league after complaining they were being blackballed by religious, cult-lite softball leagues.

“It’s time cults had a league of their own,” said team manager and Santero priest Pedro ‘Jobu’ Cerrano through a translator. “To be champions in the first year is humbling, and it is sure to please the orishas we aim to satisfy with ritualistic offerings.”

The Cuban team mowed down the competition to make the final best-of-three series, as it only faced all-white, American cults.

“These white boys just focus on mass suicide, man,” said Gutierrez. “They gotta focus on the game. We had to fight off the Castro regime to make it here and stave off evil spirits to make it here. We’re focused.”

The Santerians won in two, but the last game was tight. After going back-and-forth, the Afro-Cuban lucumis dances finally paid off.

“Our prayers were answered,” said Cerrano. “We were finally able to hit curveballs. Gutierrez came out to some Sublime music, he was dialed in–you should have listened to that crowd. He got a hold of that curveball and destroyed it like our god of war and iron, Ogun.”

After a successful first season, the inter-cult league will be back next season. Scientologists, who were not invited to this year’s tournament, will vie for a spot again next year.

DADS ARE SUPER AMPED ABOUT BASEBALL SEASON

NEW YORK— Baseball has made its return, and dads everywhere are losing their damn minds.

Liquor stores across the country are experiencing light beer shortages across the country and Home Depot has tripled last year’s revenue off grill sales and outdoor projector set ups alone. Local supermarket clerk Barbara Reed, 32, said “The store has been full of middle aged men buying red meat, wings, and beer and arguing with each other over which pitcher is better. I’ve never seen so many in one place before.”

baseballdads
TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL-GAME Almost a packed crowd at Citi field with almost three rows of people.

Stadiums have been packed with men who should be at work and boys who should be in school since opening day. Citi Field was entirely full, with over 41,000 people attending the game, with an estimated 21,000 of those participants missing lessons in school that are integral to their academic success. Local teen Brandon Grosmen said “My dad took me to the Yankees game which was cool, but I missed a review for a really big history test and picture day. I guess it was worth it to see the game.”

The Yankees went on to lose the game to the Houston Astros 8-1 in the game where Brett Gardner tore his ACL sliding into second base. He won’t return to play this season.

Highways entering major cities have been backed up for miles before games after stadiums established DUI checkpoints every quarter mile. An unnamed Citi Field “The stadium said they want the check points coming in to prevent drunk driving and disorderly fans, but they’re really just doing it so people have to pay for stadium beers. No one can watch baseball sober with their kids and the stadium know it.”

DEVELOPING: UNC championship vacated after receiving impermissible benefits, t-shirts

Stephen A. Smiff
Bad For Sports

PHOENIX—According to many sources, the NCAA ruled that the University of North Carolina will have to vacate all of it’s wins from the 2016-17 season, including Monday night’s championship victory, due to a “gratuitous giveaway of championship t-shirts, hats and confetti, which violates NCAA bylaws governing student compensation.”

Immediately after UNC’s 71-65 victory over Gonzaga, Carolina students were given complementary t-shirts and hats commemorating their victory under a shower of free confetti. According to sources, this commemorative and completely reasonable gift-giving constitutes an impermissible benefit.

joelberry
NOT SO FAST… Joel Berry, tournament MOP, thinks he can just walk on out of here with that free hat. Think again, mister.

“We are aware of the situation and are conducting an investigation,” said NCAA President Mark Emmert. “That being said, it is unfortunate that these players who made their university and the NCAA billions of dollars had to accept these gifts. While most of them will never play professional basketball and have suffered lifelong injuries, they should know accepting a free shirt that sells for $30 retail is wrong.”

In 2010, the NCAA and CBS/Turner Sports agreed to a 14 year, $10.8 billion deal to broadcast the tournament. Players do not see any of that money, nor do they earn any portion of merchandise sales, but they are allowed to buy merchandise at any official NCAA retailer.

“Yeah, so I was told they’d take my scholarship away if I kept my t-shirt,” said Tony Bradley, the only freshman for North Carolina who played in the championship game. “I did all this and I can’t get a free shirt? I never go to my ethics class, but I feel like that’s a bit unethical.”

UNC lost in last year’s championship game to Villanova on a buzzer beater, but this year’s redemption was short lived, as the NCAA is reportedly readying to announce the school’s punishment in the coming days.

“So what,” said UNC head coach Roy Williams. “I still get paid.”

Hobbs hires staff to boost athlete performance

BY Kevin McClintock
Sports Editor

Following the close to the Men’s Basketball season, Athletic Director Patrick Hobbs announced to Rutgers fans that he will begin getting professionals to work more intimately with the major Rutgers sports in an effort to help build better teams in the upcoming fall seasons.

The atmosphere surrounding Rutgers athletics has been dower since the move to the Big Ten. Despite the success of both Men’s Wrestling and Lacrosse, student and fan turnout has been uncommonly low in the schools big earners Football and Basketball. Under a myriad of scandals and team restructuring, poor performance has resulted in a student body who are wholly negative towards the two largest college sports.

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Athletic Director Patrick Hobbs announcing his innovative new strategy to help give BIG TEN Rutgers a big boost

Hobbs told reporters that he has taken note of the current stigma of these sports teams and their impact on ticket sales. “It’s not been an easy few years” Hobbs remarked, “With the physical abuse of basketball players by a coach and the arrest of seven football players for burglary, moral among the students has soured. The players notice it the most.”

As part of a new initiative set by Athletic Director Hobbs, he will begin hiring more specialized staff to begin taking more of a personal roles in the operations of the teams. These experts hired out of New York City will help boost performance by working directly with the players to help them perform better as college athletes and as students.

Working both one-on-one and in groups, Hobbs hopes these new staff members will be the foundation of building more productive sports programs by fostering better student athletes.

Many coaches have expressed doubts about Hobbs’s new method as it could conflict with the programs already set in. Football coach Samuel Wettburg recalls the first day under the new program, “So Hobbs just walks into the locker room with ten prostitutes and tells the players to go nuts. No pep-talk, no game plan, just lets them fuck hookers.”

Hobbs defends his new program saying that it provides athletes with a much need confidence boost and promotes physical fitness telling the press that “Look, with how their seasons have gone many of these guys haven’t touched a woman in months. I’m trying to have our guys get as much action as those from other colleges. Have you see that porno with that lineman from Michigan?”

When it comes the working girls that have joined the program have expressed gratitude towards the opportunity. Long time prostitute Sapphire calls the program a “Really good deal, most of the time we get old bankers and US senators. It’s nice to be with kids to put some effort in and finish quickly.”

New Brunswick PD has made no attempts to remove the prostitution ring for most of the department “feels for the kids” and have decided to let it slide.