Category Archives: Sports

Local Fool Rich Enough to go Somewhere Warm Goes Skiing Instead

By Throb Lowe
Allergic to Latex

WASHINGTON—Local lunatic Brock McDonald hit the slopes this weekend despite earning a high enough annual income to travel somewhere warm.

McDonald, a 27-year-old Rutgers graduate and software engineer, reported to his friends on Facebook that he would be taking a week off from work to “shred some powder” at a family cabin in New Hampshire. His decision left friends baffled.

Friends of McDonald stated that he began packing for the excursion a week in advance, and has already spent over $800 on a board and goggles alone. That much money could also be used to book an economy class flight for one across the country, or be spent on a balls-to-the-wall week in Cancun.

McDonald’s leave from work has been planned for the second week in January, when temperatures in New Hampshire regularly drop to below zero. Meteorologists at University of New Hampshire in Durham predict that snowfall will increase by then after a late start to the winter.

“When I asked where he was going for vacation and he told me up North to ski, I thought he was kidding” said McDonald’s boss, Randy Shartner, at the software development company he works for. “I just can’t put together why he’d go somewhere cold for a winter vacation. We just gave the guy a bonus fit for a luxury cruise like a month ago.”

At press time, McDonald was spotted at a local sporting goods store buying a $578 pair of professional quality snow pants and customized carbon fiber ski poles instead of spending his money on being warm and comfortable.

He was last spotted purchasing carbon fiber ski poles and a $578 pair of professional grade snow pants at a local sporting goods store.

Trump Places Dead Last in Government Fantasy Football League

Donald Trump has led his football team to the bottom of league standings this season while simultaneously doing the same to the USA.

By Throb Lowe
Suffers From Dry Scalp

WASHINGTON—As this year’s NFL season winds down to an end, fantasy winners and losers are beginning to secure their finishing spots. The most notable loser, is the one and only Donald J. Trump, coming in dead last in the government’s  league this year.

Finishing with only one win, Trump’s team placed dead last in a league filled with other political figures. Trump’s only victory this season was over Hillary Clinton’s team in the early weeks. His first mistake was using his first round pick to secure handsome, white millionaire Tom Brady.

“Brady is the best player on the field. Only haters and losers would pass on him in 1st rnd. Dems picked shady characters and Pittsburgh players. Sad!” Trump tweeted out at 3 a.m. the night of his draft.

The one place Trump shined this season was on the league message boards, where he managed to send more messages than his team scored points all season. According to statistics pulled from ESPN’s fantasy app, Trump’s team didn’t score more than 75 points during any given matchup.

“He spends so much time on his phone, you’d think he could do some research,” said Paul Ryan “In the draft he took Brady and the Browns D early because Cleveland hosted the RNC.”

When prompted to give a statement on his poor standing in the league, Trump told reporters that they were the ones in last and he was undefeated.

Trump is set to face Bernie Sanders in the toilet bowl this year. However, Sanders remains confident after a suspicious loss to Clinton last year.

Admissions Skyrocket as NCAA Recognizes Beer Pong as a Sport

BY Ivan Yakinov

PISCATAWAY—Adding to the ever growing list of unprofitable sports in college that get subsidized by the football program, beer pong will now be an official sport at over 1,200 colleges and universities across the country. The decision was made last week and was officially announced today by the NCAA President Mark Emmett.

“MORE AMERICAN THAN SYSTEMATIC RACISM” Finding a way to make something as recreational as drinking competitive is a cornerstone in the American persona.

Speaking from NCAA headquarters in Indianapolis, Emmett said, “The extreme effort students go through to make the winning pong shot when they are on the verge of passing out can be compared to the game winning shot Michael Jordan made over Bryon Russell while having the flu in the 1997 NBA Finals. Beer pong players are great athletes and truly are freaks of nature and we feel it’s the right time to exploit that for money.”

In light of this news, a large surge in college applications have baffled university administrators everywhere.

At Rutgers, the admissions website has crashed due to high web traffic, and not another DDOS attack.

The Dean of Admissions at Rutgers and the head of the IT Department, too ashamed to deal with this again, had no comment as they both plan on taking a leave of absence until this whole thing blows over.

Many of the hundreds of thousands of new college applicants have also applied for the full ride beer pong scholarship that will now be offered at all eligible schools.

The competition for these scholarships will be fierce. In order to be eligible for one, a student must have at least three years of drinking prior to college, ability to chug five Natural Lights in a row, and must be able to get through at least six full games of beer pong without blacking out.

Yankees Cancel Rutgers Game to Preserve Reputation

PISCATAWAY — After a solid postseason run, the New York Yankees have decided to cut the Rutgers vs. Maryland game from its schedule of events to improve their image.
The Scarlet Knights were set to face Maryland at Yankees stadium on Saturday, November 4th, but both teams have had their invite rescinded in order to preserve the Yankees’ image.

In a press release the Yankees stated, “We regret to inform the public that the Rutgers vs. Maryland Football game will be canceled. We want to take the energy from this postseason and run with it. Allowing Rutgers to play at the stadium, against Maryland of all teams, would tarnish the groundwork we’ve set this season.”

The Rutgers Football program is shocked that the Yankees have decided to cut ties this way. After winning two consecutive conference games and not getting blown out by Michigan, fans were ecstatic to see their teams play at Yankee Stadium.

“We understand why they wouldn’t want to associate with Maryland. Nobody wants that, but we’re practically their backyard,” said University President Robert Barchi. “Our business program has been loading Wall Street with douchebags for years. They can’t even throw us a bone?”

Not everybody is torn up about the decision though. Freshman lineman Norman Suggs was quoted saying, “Thank god we don’t have to go all the way to the city to lose. I get car sick.”

When questioned about their decision, the Yankees responded with vague answers and beat around the bush when it came to logistics. However, one message was clear:

They were glad to have canceled this event.

“Yeah, we’re trying to be associated with winning over here,” said a Yankees representative who preferred to remain nameless.

Tune in to a sketchy stream from a Russian website to watch the Scarlet Knights and the Terps face off, because there’s no way this makes it to TV.

Rutgers On Pace to Win Big 10 “Most Improved” Award This Season

PISCATAWAY — The Rutgers Scarlet Knights are on a world-shocking two game win streak, and they’re officially eligible for a special honor.

Each year the Big 10 honors the most improved team in the conference, and this year it’s the Scarlet Knights. The week before last, Rutgers secured their first conference win in nearly two years against the Fighting Illini, who went home hanging their heads in shame.

AN AWARD SUITED FOR A CAMPUS SO LIBERAL The Scarlet Knights take this year’s Big 10 Most Improved Award

Big 10 commissioner Jim Delany stated in a press conference, “Not only did the Scarlet Knights manage to not get blown out buy double- digits, they actually won a fucking game. The board is so astounded we’re officially nominating Rutgers University for the award for most improved organization.”

A week after Rutgers topped the Purdue Boilermakers at High Point Solutions Stadium by a whopping two points, after nearly blowing the lead after allowing a late game touchdown and a near two-point conversion.

Quarterback Kyle Bolin was overheard telling teammates to “…simmer the fuck down out there. We’re not trying to win a bowl game or anything, so let’s not get expectations up. Let’s feed off this energy and shoot for most improved. Worst case, we still get our participation awards.”

The energy won’t stop here though. Rutgers will face off against the Michigan Wolverines on Saturday, and things are looking not so terrible for the Scarlet Knights.

So long as Rutgers scores at least a field goal, and limits Michigan’s points to 35, they’re almost a lock for most improved this year.

Coach Jim Harbaugh even extended a congratulations to Chris Ash and the entire Rutgers Football organization. “I’m genuinely proud of you guys,” he said, “It’s nice to see a team we absolutely pummel do a little better the next season. I’m just glad I could help make a difference.”

Tune in to the Big Ten Network this weekend to watch the Scarlet Knights try their best.

Rutgers Beats Illinois, Decides to Call it Quits On Football

BY Throb Lowe

PISCATAWAY— This past Saturday the Scarlet Knights topped the Fighting Illinois 35-24 in their first Big 10 victory since 2015, and Pat Hobbs has decided it’s quitting time.

The Scarlet Knights have had a rough few years, losing to major Big 10 teams by dozens of points, and even taking a loss to Eastern Michigan University. But this Saturday was different for Rutgers, this weekend snapped the cold streak.

Following an absolute blowout by Ohio State and a bye week, Rutgers was extremely well-rested and ready to beat the team ranked one spot below them in the latest AP polls. After the thrilling victory, the organization decided to call it quits on college football to preserve the feeling.

“A SWEET END TO OUR SUFFERING” Rutgers beats first Big 10 team, makes a smart move to protect reputation.

In a press conference, Chris Ash told reporters “It’s a decision that the whole organization was on board with. I don’t think anyone can tolerate the constant flow of negativity surrounding this program. Frankly, I’m just glad we can end it on good terms.”

Rutgers University has been renowned as “The Birthplace of College Football,” as the first game in history was played on its campus. Rutgers beat Princeton 6-4 in a riveting matchup that would set the tone of the sport forever. But the university that started it all has decided to end it all on a good note.

Wide Receiver Janarion Grant stated “The locker room was the most electric it had ever been, and we all knew that we should just quit while we’re ahead. I’m glad I can go out feelin’ like a champ.”

The news of the program being dissolved shocked fans, who are left wondering what they’ll do instead of watch a shitty football game and spend the rest of their day pouting. The university had a quick response to the fans, saying that Mason Gross students will be performing “Cats: The Musical” at High Point Solutions Stadium in place of games. Tickets will not be refunded as the university sees “Cats: The Musical” as objectively more entertaining than our football team.