Category Archives: Sports

Adam Silver Paid Lifetime Supply of Wontons to Side with China

Shanghai – The National Basketball Association has become embroiled in an international dispute after Houston Rockets’ GM Daryl Morey tweeted in support of Hong Kong and its protestors. The NBA has built an indelible relationship with China, as a recent statistic pointed out that 500 million Chinese fans watched at least one basketball game last season. China, known for its rich history, it’s amazing food, and the occasional ethnic cleansing of Muslim and other minority populations, was offended by Morey’s tweet. As a result, NBA Commissioner, and overall cue ball, Adam Silver, publicly sent out a statement that the NBA values its relationship with the Chinese citizens (and their very much suffering factions). Understandably, many players and coaches are being held accountable as a result of poor administrative dealings. 

 

During the preseason, Adam Silver had a tense meeting with many NBA players, most notably Lebron James. During the meeting, Silver was quoted as being, “a UChicago lawyer mofu**a”. To qualm players’ fears, Silver promised to personally talk to dictator, I mean, President Xi regarding the situation. However, the Medium team has received some insider information regarding Adam Silver’s comments. Apparently, given Adam Silver looks like an emaciated Benjamin Button, a local wonton joint, Hangzhou Xiao, promised the commissioner a lifetime supply of wontons for him and his family. The owner of the restaurant happily agreed to the terms and conditions only after a man dressed up in a Yao Ming jersey threatened to make wontons out of his family. With much of the media comparing Silver to yet another Chinese pawn, Silver made yet another public appearance, this time looking more robotic and sounding like a man from the Orient. He said, “China is great. It make me money. It make me happy”.  

 

Hong Kong has been ensnared in a series of protests for the past couple of months. With hundreds of people harmed and possibly killed, the protests seem to only pick up steam. Hey, at least one man got his fair share of wontons just for a couple million people to lose their loved ones. 

 

#FreeHongKong

Rutgers Football Game Turns into Street Fighter 6

By Flick Booger 

 

SHI(t) Stadium – Rutgers vs. Boston College. But it was not that kind of fight night. During the second quarter of Saturday’s game, Rutger QB, Artur Standkowski threw a deep line drive to some random wide receiver for a touchdown. (While a measly effort was made to identify the wide receiver, the Medium Sports team has decided that the name is probably irrelevant given he will probably not make it to the NFL). It was time for celebration both on and off the field. The hundred or so freshman that have yet to realize that no one actually stays past the first quarter rejoiced with a non-alcoholic orange juice. On the field however, was a different story. A Rutgers Offensive Lineman (Again, an effort was made. Alas, no point in mentioning a name) clocked the Rutgers QB right on the left side of his temple. While the motive was unknown, inside sources claim that the OL wanted to knock some sense into the failing QB. Many media outlets covered the hit, including Bleacher Report and ESPN. 

 

After the field goal kick, it was reported a fight broke out on the sidelines of Rutgers. In normal football games, fights usually break out against opposing teams either due to a conflict of interest or a bad call. However, those reading this must be considerate of the fact that this is Rutgers football, the alleged birthplace of college football. What transpired was a story to remember. While sitting down and listening to the defensive coordinator, the OL in question was met with a hit, this time from none other than Rutgers’ highest paid employee/failure as a coach, Chris Ash. Apparently, Coach Ash was enraged with the fact that the OL dared to even touch Sitkowski. Last year, Ash made a huge campaign and wasted the funds of even more Rutgers students’ tuition in order to recruit the QB from the prestigious IMG Academy – he was not going to allow some OL from Beavertown, NJ deter him from this program. 

 

Slowly, yet surely, the brawl escalated. Coordinator followed by coordinator, offense followed by defense, the benches cleared out. It was all out war. The fight lasted about two minutes, but the injuries will for sure last a lifetime. All in all, the brave Rutgers EMS squad showed up in their four ambulances to treat the 50-member squad. Some players vowed to quit the program, but recanted their threat after realizing that they would be losing not only their scholarship, but also free housing, free food, a multi-million dollar training facility, “passing” grades, and Barchi’s personal protection. As a result of the brawl, the Rutgers Athletic Dept. announced that the football team will lose all their games on purpose this season. Sure…”on purpose”.

Eli Manning Swapped for Dumber, Uglier Version of Himself

By: Flick Booger

East Rutherford – In a strange twist of events a look alike of Eli Manning has been picked as the starting quarterback of the New York Giants. The news broke early Tuesday morning, as the clear blue sky opened up above the Giants training facility above East Rutherford, New Jersey. However, what should have happened was for the sky to turn blood red. This can be said because Eli Manning and his career have been publicly axed. Until now, no one knew who he was, or how he got there. He just randomly showed up because he claims he won a Eli Manning look-alike contest back in high school. Giants’ General Manager, Dave Gettleman, says that he can’t see the difference between the two. His father calls him the next best thing. His sister calls him her husband. His mother calls him her lover. The man in question? Daniel Jones from Duke University. 

In what has shaped out to be a situation similar to when the real Buzz Lightyear was packed away in a box by a FAKE Buzz Lightyear at Al’s Toy Barn in Toy Story 2, the news comes as a huge loss for not only New York, but also the sports world in general. Daniel Jones officially took Eli Manning, stuffed him into the Football Hall of Fame, and went to go play with Woody and his other Giants friends. Jones, the 6th overall pick, comes from a football program that is the polar opposite of its basketball program. With last year’s stars Zion Williamson and RJ Barrett actually ready to begin their respective basketball careers, Daniel Jones looks like he just used his white privilege and oddly-similar looks to get his spot on the starting lineup. 

Eli Manning, arguably one of the greater quarterbacks of his generation, is a two-time Super champion, and a two-time Super Bowl MVP. Additionally, he ranks within the top 10 of TDs thrown, and yards received. With such stats backing up the aging quarterback, you can only wonder whether or not Gettleman and crew were smoking long doobies one Sunday evening when they made this decision. Daniel Jones has a long road ahead of him. With already a 0-2 season, there is not too much room for error. At this point, going 0-16 would look a lot better than 1-15. The Giants definitely need to reconsider their draft pick and get their heads straight. Many people are already showing their concern, with one fan saying, “I dread the second coming of Jesus less than this”. At the Medium, we wish Daniel Jones all the bad luck ahead of him.

Rutgers Esports Prepares for First Competitive Stardew Valley Match

It’s a big day in esports history as Rutgers kicks off the first game of competitive Stardew Valley, competing against the Rochester Institute of Technology. Stardew Valley, as a farming game, had no intention of ever being an esport, and most players hadn’t even considered it as one. That all changed over spring break as a few members of the Rutgers Esports community gathered together and challenged a few of their rival schools to a formal competition.

How, though, will this tournament work? It’s a simple race to complete the community center, which involves farming, foraging, fishing, mining, and quite a bit of luck to gather the proper items. Both Rutgers and RIT have gathered eight of their best players and gathered them into two teams of four, and starting tomorrow morning the competition will begin. The first team to fully complete the community center will win the competition, and their school will advance to the next stage of the competition.

The Medium was lucky enough to interview one of their players, HarmoniDiscord, on how they’re feeling about the competition: “I’m looking forward to it! I’ve put over 500 hours into Stardew Valley but I never imagined I’d get to play competitively. It’s going to be a big commitment, the community center takes a LONG time, but we have a good team of dedicated, experienced players, and I’m sure we’ll do better than RIT.”

Because this is the first ever Stardew Valley tournament, there’s only four schools in the running, and the prize pool isn’t very big. However, the finals are still going to be played on the main stage of the Scarlet Classic V, which is April 14th at the Livingston Student Center.

Women’s UFC Matches Should Have Hot Dudes as Ring-Boys

By, Curio B. Exual

It is simple, why don’t we have hot, barrel chested, bleach blonde, scrumptious booty boys to do the whole walking around the ring between rounds and the weigh-in fiascos. Okay, they don’t have to be blonde, but everything else still stands.

Alright, let’s get the boring one out of the way. The overt sexism is pervasive in all fighting sports. Ring girls exemplify antiquated notions of fighting sports that have existed forever. Yadda yadda objectifying women, yadda yadda enforcing gender norms, yadda yadda hypocrisy of having women fighters and ring-girls yadda yadda. We all know of this and how it’s bad and like OMG Karen you don’t have to shove your Women’s Study papers down my throat. Now to the fun part, THEM HUNKY BOOTY BOYS!

I want these fucks to be 6 foot tall and ripped in places I didn’t even know existed. Fighters are too scary and look weird with all their bruises and giant egos. I want a soft, sensual, sultry man walking around with those stupid cards. He has to be loaded in the following categories: funk, junk, and the trunk. I don’t care if men are the target audience. You’ll finally get women and the rest of the sexual spectrum will finally give damn about your barbaric, ego-driven, testosterone-ridden idea of a sport.