Category Archives: Sports

Rutgers to Introduce New Blood Sports to Spice Up Athletic Program

By Ivan Yakinoff
Can’t Play the Saxophone

PISCATAWAY— After another disappointing season as the laughing stock and bottom feeder of the Big 10, Rutgers Athletics, trying to redeem their shitty sports program, have decided to introduce new
deadly blood sports to bring back excitement for their fans.

Some of the new sports to be included are gladiator fighting, wild west duels, bull fighting, shotgun tag, and of course bear wrestling. The funding for these sports have already started and it is believed that once the program takes off, it will put the games ancient Romans and rednecks played to shame.

Athletic scholarships are already being prepared for these sports and will have a wide array of requirements. People who have a death wish and want to go out in style will be first priority. Followed by emo kids who enjoy cutting and people with blood fetishes as a close second.

Athletics director Pat Hobbs is ecstatic to bring this news over to the Big 10. In a recent conference, Hobbs said, “Rutgers will finally be relevant in the Big 10 again. We don’t need no silly football nor basketball to compete with the conference now. We’ll be battling it out on the biggest stage with gore galore. The rest of the conference will be too pansy to follow in our footsteps and we’ll dominate the blood sports league because no one else would want to play us.”

As revolutionary as these blood sports would be, there’s of course still a lot of controversy against these games. Many squeamish sheltering Christian moms have come out and said, “just because we let our kids watch Jesus bleed out in church doesn’t not mean this is appropriate for our kids. The country has lost all of it sense of morals!”. On the other side, hemophiliacs believe these games shouldn’t be allowed because they discriminate against them. “I’m not allowed to participate in these blood sports because of my condition. But let’s be real here, if you want real extreme blood sports, what you need are more hemophiliacs fighting to the death”.

Rutgers plans to roll out these sports by the beginning of next fall. When the time comes, these games will give us a good distraction next year from watching our football team lay goose eggs at every game.

Americans Upset There Won’t be Miracle on Ice Part 2 This Olympics

By Ivan Yakinoff

PYEONGCHANG— As the 2018 Winter Olympics come to a close in their final week, Americans are visibly distraught at the fact that Russia is not at this year’s Olympics. As many already know, the entire Russian team was banned from the Winter Olympics this
year due to a massive state sponsored doping program that would make Jose Canseco jealous. Many of Russia’s biggest Olympic rivals such as sobriety and wild bears rejoiced at this news but Americans took it personally because they still won’t get the sequel to the original Miracle on Ice.

The original, which occurred at the height of the Cold War in 1980, made Americans care about hockey for the first time in their nation’s history. The event gave us both the greatest moment in American sports history as well as a kick ass movie.

Seeing the modern political tension with Putin and Russia, many Americans believed this would be the perfect time for the miracle to happen again.

“Miracle was an amazing movie. I’ve been waiting ages for a sequel, but noooo, Russia just had take athletic advice from Lance Armstrong” said local movie critic Roger Baker.

Although the Russian Olympic team is just disguised as the OAR team, Americans won’t accept that because it wouldn’t give the sequel a genuine feel. With the great new Black Panther movie coming out, this adds an extra layer of sadness for hockey fans because they won’t have a new white accomplishment to trump black people this year.

This disappointment wasn’t just exclusive to America either. Many of Russia’s biggest sponsors, such as Adidas tracksuits and HD car dash cams are reporting record losses due to Russia’s ban.

This year was the 1 in every 4 that makes Americans acknowledge hockey exists. But in typical American fashion, No one knew we lost to the make-up Russian team 4-0 already.

Stephen A Smith to Campaign for 2020 Presidency Just so he can Run his Mouth

By Ivan Yakinoff
Prefers Undisputed

BRISTOL, CN—As Black History Month is halfway complete, Stephen A. Smith, the furious outspoken host of ESPN’s First Take and as well as the main expert on all black athlete’s issues, has announced that will be running as a Democratic nominee for the 2020 Presidential elections.

Smith made the sudden announcement on the show while yelling at the top of his lungs. While he and Max Kellerman were talking about wether the black athletes who compete in the Winter Olympics were blacker than Russell Wilson, Smith, just feeling touched by the seriousness of the topic, announced that he will be leaving First Take to engage in more serious conversations.

Although he left the crowd stunned in silence and just wondering what these serious conversations were, in classic ear bleeding Stephen A. Smith style, he announced his plans to run for president.

While many believe his decision to run for president is so he can fight for the issues facing minorities today, many sources close to him say his real reason is to just give have another outlet to run his mouth. “If Stephen tells you his decision to run was based out of fighting injustice, it’s truly just a load of bullshit. He really doesn’t care about that. His mouth is just an attention whore and he just wants to run it more on national TV.” said an anonymous friend of his.

“Stephen’s mouth has a mind of his own. Ever since Skip Bayless left, it’s fallen into a wormhole of depression and it’s believed that the only cure is a diarrhea of the mouth death fight with Donald Trump.” said Momma Smith.

When confronted, Stephen went on a big rant and denied everything. Listening to him rambling on for a hour straight, though we tried our best, the Medium could not get any quotes from him as we all went deaf listening to him. We’ll get back to you after our ENT visit.

Lingerie Football Team Hailed as Great Milestone for Women’s Equality

By Ivan Yakinoff
Edging it

LOS ANGELES— As the 2017 NFL season comes to a close and people reflect back on the Women’s March, many female fans are looking back at what the great sport has done for women’s rights. The Lingerie Football League, though sneakingly calling themselves The Legends Football League, has received great praise from hardcore feminists all across the country.

“For the longest time in our nation’s history, women were seen as weak and only desired for their sexual prowess, but the Lingerie Football League changes all of that. For once, people now desire women for their great football skills and knowledge and not for
their bodies and looks.” said Margaret Hutchinson, leader of the Florida Flat Earth Feminists coalition. Due to the LFL’s great progress for women’s equality, many have started criticizing the NFL’s annual October breast cancer awareness month campaign where players wear pink as being ineffective and just a grab for money. “The NFL is disgusting. There are real issues women face in our world and all they can do is dress big men in pink?! The LFL is doing the right thing. Because of them women can truly do anything!” said May Grace, local sheltering suburban mom.

To celebrate this great news, the LFL will be bringing Jenny McCarthy to perform the halftime show citing her great work in autism prevention.

Gatorade to Introduce New Multipurpose Urinal Buckets for Super Bowl

By Ivan Yakinoff

MINNEAPOLIS— As our country’s greatest unofficial national holiday approaches, Gatorade is set to introduce a new revolutionary product that will change urinating in public forever. Realizing the problem that arises when football players have to take a leak during the biggest game of the season, Gatorade will be revealing new on field buckets that can be used for fulfilling your thirst as well as taking a leak.

The buckets will have 2 compartments, one for the juice and the other for the pee. Instead of having to wait and hold it in, wait for halftime or the game to finish, players can now go straight to the sideline and relieve themselves on the spot.

The news of these buckets has been met with nothing but absolute praise from the NFL. “After all this time, I can finally become a big boy and take off my adult diapers!” said Lane Johnson, Eagles offensive tackle who claims he kept wetting his bed even after he got drafted.

While these new buckets will help players from missing important game time, most of the concerns about the product are coming from sheltering soccer moms who don’t wan’t grown men urinating in plain
sight where their children can see.

“I didn’t pay thousands of dollars for my kids to possibly see a grown man whip it out and take a piss. This game, corrupting the minds of our young ones can go straight to hell!” said Martha O’Reilly, who mainly spends her time complaining to retail and fast food managers.

While Gatorade and the NFL have insisted that these buckets will be controlled and won’t be accidently dumped on the winning coach, Vegas is making sure to cover all the bases. Along with the usual colors gamblers can bet on for the Gatorade shower like red, orange, green, and blue, bookies will be offering a new pee color for this year. Gamblers have took notice and are now hoping Bill Belichick or Doug Pederson will get the greatest golden shower of their life.

English Soccer Hooligans Ecstatic over new Fight Club

By Ivan Yakinoff
In Refractory Period

LONDON— In order to curb the ever growing problem of soccer hooliganism, the English Premier League have announced that starting in the 2018 season, hooligans will have their own EPL
sponsored fight clubs outside every stadium.

The clubs will feature steel cages with various blunt objects and weapons inside for all the fighters to use. Fights will take place before and after every match and there will even be a full Vegas style betting system in place. “The fight clubs are a huge step in the right  direction. These hooligans pose a serious threat us normal fans and our children. By giving them a place away from us where they can take out their violent drunken urges and beat the living shit out of each other, we will make the environment safer.” says Richard Scudamore, the executive chairman of the EPL.

Upon hearing this news, the actual hooligans took to the streets in celebration. Flipping over cars, randomly tossing firecrackers, and
causing nonstop mayhem, the hooligans just couldn’t hold in their joy. “Mate, as soon as I heard the news, I buttchugged several pints of Boddington’s and then proceeded to throw punches against every person that walked past me. I’m pretty sure I left one of those blokes paralyzed.” said Daniel Reynolds, lifelong Arsenal fan from Kingston.