Category Archives: Features

You’re Welcome, Freshmen: The Medium Ranks the Official “RUcketlist”

Move in day has passed, signaling the start of the school year. For upperclassmen, it’s back to the grind of burning the candle at both ends. For freshmen, there lies a sea of unknowns.

Fortunately for confused freshmen, Rutgers was kind enough to create a “RUcketlist”—a rundown of can’t-miss activities and experiences the University has to offer.

For the droves of bewildered incoming freshmen, this list probably seems foreign and daunting. Some sophomores may even want some guidance.

Don’t worry, The Medium is here to help. We are ranking all 27 items on the list to steer everyone, especially the freshmen, in the right direction.

  1. Get tested for AIDS/HIV – This will make all you worried freshmen look cool immediately. Go to the Hurtado Health Center on College Ave your first week of school and get tested, that way all the people on your floor will think you’re awesome and already got laid. You lie to some kids you’d like to befriend and get tested to backup your story. It’s a win-win; you either get to check out a different part of your new school while surreptitiously making new friends, or you get your results back and find out you actually have HIV! Either way you get some free condoms out of it.
  2. Attend a football game – Whether you’re a sports fan or not, going to at least one football game is a must. Luckily, Rutgers opens the season on Friday against No. 8 Washington, which means you’ll get to experience a Rutgers football tradition at your first game: an embarrassing blowout. When you’re at a game, make sure to use a meal swipe on some Papa John’s pizza, then drunkenly hurl it 20 rows deep toward the marching band.
  3. Fall Involvement Fair – Everybody goes to the involvement fair. This is where you plan your future before classes even start by giving out your email to almost every club you pass. Just make sure to grab as many pens and starburst as you can, and try to avoid being one of those creepy freshmen who walk around by themselves.
  4. Join a Student Organization – Now that you’ve signed up for at least 15 clubs, you have to join all of them. That’s how it works; nobody likes a flake. Don’t worry about classes, those are easy, just like high school. This is how you make lifelong connections, by spreading yourself too thin.
  5. Jump Off the High Dive at the Werblin Pool – Now that classes have started and you’re in a bunch of clubs, you’re going to want to kill yourself. That’s a big commitment, so jump off the high dive first to see if you’re cut out for it. We suggest doing a bellyflop. When the lifeguard comes to save you, he or she will ask you which NFL team Sonny Werblin owned to make sure you’re okay.
  6. Eat a Fat Sandwich – All right, so killing yourself isn’t the best idea, but swimming is always fun. Now that you feel depressed and lonely, use food to cope, and what better food to cope with than Rutgers’ famous fat sandwiches. Head over to their new location at The Yard and inhale some greasy food while sobbing until the store closes at 3 a.m.
  7. Before I Die Walls (10/3/17- 10/5/17) – RUPA puts this event on to help motivate students to reach their goals, but now you’ve been wallowing for weeks, so use these walls to send one last message out to the world.
  8. Join a Fraternity or Sorority – So somebody saw you write a grim, horrifying note on those walls, and now you’re getting some well-needed counseling from CAPS. You haven’t made a breakthrough yet, so you’re just lying to yourself about being happy. That’s the perfect time to rush. Put on a fake smile and bury your pain with alcohol, then go to your dorm room and sob into your twin mattress. Try not to wake up your roommates with your muffled tears, you crazy freshmen.
  9. Play Basketball at Deiner Park – When the gyms are packed, take advantage of the nice weather and play outside at the courts behind the river dorms on College Ave. You’ll be mingling with Middlesex County locals, though, so to the white freshmen, just keep your head down. Just be a team player and learn some cool new slang.
  10. Dance Marathon – This is a crazy time of the year. It feels great to donate to a good cause, but it’s really about sharing pictures of yourself dancing at the RAC for 12 hours on social media. If you didn’t post a picture did you even donate? No, we all know you didn’t donate anything, Frank.
  11. Convocation & Carnival – Only go to this to overhear conversations about where parties are that night. Then go out and learn about ratio.
  12. Take a Photo at the RevolUtionary Monument – Do this to truly appreciate how underwhelming our 250th anniversary gift is.
  13. Participate in Homecoming Bed Races – If you enjoy pointless activities filled with menial tasks, do the bed races. Nobody is really that sure what they’re for, and you get to waste time decorating a bed. Also if you’re lucky, the people racing next to you may swerve and run you over.
  14. Run in the Big Chill 5k – If you learn anything your freshmen year, you never have to pay for t-shirts. Run in the Chill for the shirt.
  15. Attend the Mark Conference – Instead of listening to a professional give an interesting TED Talk online, listen to people you’ve never heard of for an entire day in uncomfortable chairs. There will be free food, though. College is about snagging free food, too.
  16. Hot Dog Day – Wait in line for an hour for a single hot dog. Then go jump in a bouncy house and throw up. Warning: Don’t be fooled by any short lines–those are lines for vegan hot dogs.
  17. See a Livingston Theatre Company or Cabaret Performance – If you’re having a tough time as a freshman, watching a poor production put on by your fellow peers is a great way to make you feel better about yourself. You’ll have to sit through two excruciating hours of amateur acting, though, so it may not be worth it.
  18. Pet a Piglet at the Cook Farm – Overrated.
  19. Attend the RUPA Masquerade Ball – Only go to this if you’re a pretentious douche bag. Also, freshmen who are pretentious douchebags have a hard time making friends.
  20. Scarlet Harvest – What is this?
  21. Geek Week – And this?
  22. Scarlet Day of Service – This? These are probably just all made up to confuse freshmen. We’re looking out for you, though.
  23. Party at the Puddle – There’s an oversized puddle on Cook. Some people like to sit by it. That’s all you freshmen need to know.
  24. Bring a Friend to the Homecoming Bonfire – After people took this opportunity to toss their fake friends into the flames, Rutgers security now guards the fire. Not really worth going anymore.
  25. Homecoming Week: Bonfire, Bed Races + More! – Why would Rutgers put this on the list? You either mention the entire event or highlight the specifics, not both. Pathetic.
  26. Get Take Out From Neilson Dining Hall – What makes Neilson so special? Don’t fall for the food hall wars. Stand united in disgust of them all.
  27. Take a Selfie with the Scarlet Knight – Don’t mock the person inside who’s dying of a heat stroke. Bring the Knight some water and get out of the way.

Which Lovable Pixar Sidekick Best Describes Your Undying Devotion to the Emperor of Darkness?

BY Caillou

Everyone has their own special method to give thanks to Zorko, Emperor of Darkness and collector of lost souls. But which Pixar sidekick best describes YOUR undying devotion to our one true master?

1. Which delicious treat would you provide as tribute to His Three Hounds of Destruction?
a. T-bone steak
b. Grits
c. Rib eye steak
d. Apple pie

2. What part of the day do you prefer to carve the Puppeteer’s symbol on your tongue, so that you can always taste the path of righteousness?
a. Morning
b. Afternoon
c. Evening
d. Night

3. How would you describe your feelings as you slowly, yet meticulously, peel back the layer of skin on a nonbeliever?
a. Excited
b. Anxious
c. Ecstatic
d. Content

4. How many of your children have you disassociated with due to lack of devotion to the Church?
a. 1
b. 3
c. 8
d. All of them

5. How would you describe your perfect date?

a. A walk on the beach, followed by a moonlit blood sacrifice
b. A trip to the museum to take back the black magic manuscript
c. A movie date to see “Zorko: The Divine Truth”
d. Mass suicide

if you answered mostly a’s: congrats, you’re a Rex! You can be shy at times, but when it comes to devotion to our true lord, you’re a social “dinosaur!”

if you answered mostly b’s: congrats, you’re a Mater! You like meeting new people and trying new experiences, but aren’t afraid to mutilate your own body to prove your faith!

if you answered mostly c’s: congrats, you’re a Dug! You’re loyal to friends and family, and love life to the fullest. You can also make a real mean shepherd’s pie from the organs of politicians who refuse to accept our church as a real religion.

if you answered mostly d’s: congrats, you’re a Frozone! Dude’s pretty sick.

Random Thoughts You Don’t Have (But Probably Should)

BY Latin Mama

1. You may already be having these thoughts (who am I to judge)…

2. Is R. Kelly STILL trapped in that closet? And why has no one called Life Alert yet??

3. What are the actual lyrics to “La Macarena”?? (**I’ve recently discovered that it is not in fact “One Bop-a Two Bop-a Three, Macarena” as I have suspected for years…)

4. If I roll a joint with my notes from class, does that count as studying?

5. What about if I use the textbook pages?? Still no???

6. When will Bernie Sanders (a.k.a. God’s Sweet, Luscious Gift to this Earth) reply to all those erotic letters I sent him?? Postage to VT wasn’t cheap, ya know.

7. What are Gushers made out of? (JK, I don’t wanna know…)

8. How many times can I say the word “onomatopoeia” before it sounds like an Italian person saying “I don’t wanna pee-uh”? (TRY IT)

9. What is the standard weekly rate for masturbation nowadays and should I see a doctor?? (**Asking for a friend)

Things Millennials Are Doing to Cope With Trump as President

BY White House Intern

-Downloading a widget on my phone that changes Trump to Drumpf every time

-Protesting everything

-More weed

-Becoming more politically apathetic

-Working on applying for citizenship to Canada

-Finding a more natural spray tan

-Lobbying for Trump’s impeachment

-Posting long, moving, effective rants to Facebook that are definitely making changes in the world

Tinder Scavenger Hunt

tinderscavenger.png

BY Girl Who Likes Brower

If you’re anything like my homely and endlessly horny guy friend that has a Tinder, it hasn’t born much fruit except for a few weird “first-dates” that ended in awkward forced kisses or total embarrassment at the the fact that despite countless matches, each time you plan to hookup with someone, they appear to be the exact opposite of their profile in person and you just can’t seem to get *it* up. If this doesn’t seem like you, that’s also okay, but I have an alternative use for Tinder anyway.

Cue the Tinder Scavenger Hunt. Now this activity is not for the meek, you have to have a spirit of adventure and a commitment to the unknown. What you do is open Tinder and set the geographical radius to the smallest possible: 1 mile (it helps to be in a densely populated area with open access to buildings in the area, or a large outdoor area without many obstructions). Then choose your people of interest: guys, girls, both, etc. Then let the fun begin, it doesn’t matter if they swipe back or not, you just need to find people in a close enough radius that you can just track them down.

My favorite is spotting a nearby person and just hiding and whispering their name out loud until they hear it and become very confused. That’s when I run away and find my next victim. I don’t recommend you do anything too crazy to the people you find, but this is a great technique to “organically” meet someone that didn’t match with you on Tinder, but that you know would match with you in real life.

Valentine’s Day on a Budget

BY Girl Who Likes Brower

Valentine’s Day is almost here and if you have a significant other, that means it’s time to start shoveling out money for dinner, lingerie, stuffed animals, chocolates, flowers, condoms, cards, butt-plugs, and vibrators and if you’re single lots of chocolate and wine. No worries, Girl who likes Brower is here to help. Here are some tips to keep the costs down on V-Day:

-Just start with sex…it’s free

-Take your date to Brower and whip them up a fancy Belgian waffle—­if you wanna look really gourmet, drizzle both regular and chocolate batter in the same iron—then chop up strawberries and drizzle chocolate syrup over your masterpiece

-The student centers usually give out free single carnations, so if you create a diversion, you can steal the whole bunch!

-Instead of making a reservation for an expensive prix-fixe meal, say you called too late for reservations, so have a romantic picnic on Voorhees mall and go to Zimmerli Art Museum

-Avoid your significant other on Valentine’s day and hope they don’t notice

-Reserve a private study room in the library and unleash your wildest librarian fantasies

Top Ten Brower EntréeS

BY Knifty Knitter

10. Deep fried french toast sticks with powdered sugar and sometimes a single black hair

9. Very inauthentic sushi

8. Salmon that always somehow doesn’t look or taste like salmon—it’s grilled maki

7. An array of breakfast cereals mixed in one bowl, with chocolate milk

6. Some nice pasta made-to-order cooked in a pan of soapy dishwater

5. The new taco condiment bar

4. Brower’s Thanksgiving turkey

3. Chicken parmesan the night after takeout is chicken parmesan

2. Pizza is always reliable and sometimes there’s bacon on it

1. Just honey mustard