Category Archives: Features

Which Lovable Pixar Sidekick Best Describes Your Undying Devotion to the Emperor of Darkness?

BY Caillou

Everyone has their own special method to give thanks to Zorko, Emperor of Darkness and collector of lost souls. But which Pixar sidekick best describes YOUR undying devotion to our one true master?

1. Which delicious treat would you provide as tribute to His Three Hounds of Destruction?
a. T-bone steak
b. Grits
c. Rib eye steak
d. Apple pie

2. What part of the day do you prefer to carve the Puppeteer’s symbol on your tongue, so that you can always taste the path of righteousness?
a. Morning
b. Afternoon
c. Evening
d. Night

3. How would you describe your feelings as you slowly, yet meticulously, peel back the layer of skin on a nonbeliever?
a. Excited
b. Anxious
c. Ecstatic
d. Content

4. How many of your children have you disassociated with due to lack of devotion to the Church?
a. 1
b. 3
c. 8
d. All of them

5. How would you describe your perfect date?

a. A walk on the beach, followed by a moonlit blood sacrifice
b. A trip to the museum to take back the black magic manuscript
c. A movie date to see “Zorko: The Divine Truth”
d. Mass suicide

if you answered mostly a’s: congrats, you’re a Rex! You can be shy at times, but when it comes to devotion to our true lord, you’re a social “dinosaur!”

if you answered mostly b’s: congrats, you’re a Mater! You like meeting new people and trying new experiences, but aren’t afraid to mutilate your own body to prove your faith!

if you answered mostly c’s: congrats, you’re a Dug! You’re loyal to friends and family, and love life to the fullest. You can also make a real mean shepherd’s pie from the organs of politicians who refuse to accept our church as a real religion.

if you answered mostly d’s: congrats, you’re a Frozone! Dude’s pretty sick.

Random Thoughts You Don’t Have (But Probably Should)

BY Latin Mama

1. You may already be having these thoughts (who am I to judge)…

2. Is R. Kelly STILL trapped in that closet? And why has no one called Life Alert yet??

3. What are the actual lyrics to “La Macarena”?? (**I’ve recently discovered that it is not in fact “One Bop-a Two Bop-a Three, Macarena” as I have suspected for years…)

4. If I roll a joint with my notes from class, does that count as studying?

5. What about if I use the textbook pages?? Still no???

6. When will Bernie Sanders (a.k.a. God’s Sweet, Luscious Gift to this Earth) reply to all those erotic letters I sent him?? Postage to VT wasn’t cheap, ya know.

7. What are Gushers made out of? (JK, I don’t wanna know…)

8. How many times can I say the word “onomatopoeia” before it sounds like an Italian person saying “I don’t wanna pee-uh”? (TRY IT)

9. What is the standard weekly rate for masturbation nowadays and should I see a doctor?? (**Asking for a friend)

Things Millennials Are Doing to Cope With Trump as President

BY White House Intern

-Downloading a widget on my phone that changes Trump to Drumpf every time

-Protesting everything

-More weed

-Becoming more politically apathetic

-Working on applying for citizenship to Canada

-Finding a more natural spray tan

-Lobbying for Trump’s impeachment

-Posting long, moving, effective rants to Facebook that are definitely making changes in the world

Tinder Scavenger Hunt

tinderscavenger.png

BY Girl Who Likes Brower

If you’re anything like my homely and endlessly horny guy friend that has a Tinder, it hasn’t born much fruit except for a few weird “first-dates” that ended in awkward forced kisses or total embarrassment at the the fact that despite countless matches, each time you plan to hookup with someone, they appear to be the exact opposite of their profile in person and you just can’t seem to get *it* up. If this doesn’t seem like you, that’s also okay, but I have an alternative use for Tinder anyway.

Cue the Tinder Scavenger Hunt. Now this activity is not for the meek, you have to have a spirit of adventure and a commitment to the unknown. What you do is open Tinder and set the geographical radius to the smallest possible: 1 mile (it helps to be in a densely populated area with open access to buildings in the area, or a large outdoor area without many obstructions). Then choose your people of interest: guys, girls, both, etc. Then let the fun begin, it doesn’t matter if they swipe back or not, you just need to find people in a close enough radius that you can just track them down.

My favorite is spotting a nearby person and just hiding and whispering their name out loud until they hear it and become very confused. That’s when I run away and find my next victim. I don’t recommend you do anything too crazy to the people you find, but this is a great technique to “organically” meet someone that didn’t match with you on Tinder, but that you know would match with you in real life.

Valentine’s Day on a Budget

BY Girl Who Likes Brower

Valentine’s Day is almost here and if you have a significant other, that means it’s time to start shoveling out money for dinner, lingerie, stuffed animals, chocolates, flowers, condoms, cards, butt-plugs, and vibrators and if you’re single lots of chocolate and wine. No worries, Girl who likes Brower is here to help. Here are some tips to keep the costs down on V-Day:

-Just start with sex…it’s free

-Take your date to Brower and whip them up a fancy Belgian waffle—­if you wanna look really gourmet, drizzle both regular and chocolate batter in the same iron—then chop up strawberries and drizzle chocolate syrup over your masterpiece

-The student centers usually give out free single carnations, so if you create a diversion, you can steal the whole bunch!

-Instead of making a reservation for an expensive prix-fixe meal, say you called too late for reservations, so have a romantic picnic on Voorhees mall and go to Zimmerli Art Museum

-Avoid your significant other on Valentine’s day and hope they don’t notice

-Reserve a private study room in the library and unleash your wildest librarian fantasies

Top Ten Brower EntréeS

BY Knifty Knitter

10. Deep fried french toast sticks with powdered sugar and sometimes a single black hair

9. Very inauthentic sushi

8. Salmon that always somehow doesn’t look or taste like salmon—it’s grilled maki

7. An array of breakfast cereals mixed in one bowl, with chocolate milk

6. Some nice pasta made-to-order cooked in a pan of soapy dishwater

5. The new taco condiment bar

4. Brower’s Thanksgiving turkey

3. Chicken parmesan the night after takeout is chicken parmesan

2. Pizza is always reliable and sometimes there’s bacon on it

1. Just honey mustard

Parallels Between Childhood Games and Adult Life

BY Latin Mama

Don’t ask me how this idea ever popped into my head, but I recently began to realize that a lot of similarities exist between our favorite childhood games and our now (sort-of) adult lives. Take a walk down memory lane with The Medium as we explain the grown-up version of some of your childhood favs!

HUNGRY-HUNGRY HIPPOS: This is essentially how 90% of guys make-out (Ladies, you can vouch for this). Maybe they played this game so much as a kid that they’ve subconsciously fixated on it? (*Insert perverted Freudian theory here*)

HIDE-AND- SEEK: The adult parallel to this game would be that all-too familiar game we females have to play when hiding from a creepy guy at the bar. The only differences here are that the stakes are muuuuuuch higher than when you were a kid (God forbid he actually finds you…).

SOCKEM’ BOPPERS: This childhood fav, which was undeniably “more fun than a pillow fight,” was the only time you and your siblings were actually permitted to relentlessly beat the shit out of each other with inflatable hands (Nice going, Hasbro©). This game is vaguely reminiscent of an all-to- familiar Easton bar fight. Come to think of it, having Sockem’ Boppers on-hand at bars would not only minimize injuries, but would also be a hell of a lot more entertaining!

TWISTER: An adult version of this already exists, it’s called an orgy.

MAGIC-8 BALL: This toy was the tits when you were younger, admit it. How else were you going to know if Conor was ever gonna grow the balls (literally) to ask you to the 6th grade dance?! The adult parallel of this game is our futures themselves, because at this point, we have just as good of a chance of knowing what road we’re going down as shaking an $8.99 + S&H ball full of blue dye.