By: Richard Hertz
1) Spot- Yo, look at this fucking quality grade A meat, boi over here? Aptly named for the single adorable spot over his eye, this delectable canine was abandoned by its owner after they moved and is desperately looking for a home.
2) Clifford- You know him, you love him, but should I try and eat him. Though I am told that he is merely a character in a children’s book series, my uncontrollable urge to either consume this canine Titan or take care of him forever will not stop until I find out for sure. I mean think of how awesome it would be to have a boss ass dog the size of a fucking building; likewise, consider the amount meat that absolute unit of a specimen would give me.
3)My Neighbor’s Shit Dog Ron- This little bastard has kept me awake every night for the past year and a half. All he does all day is bark and bark and stink up the hallway. On the one hand eating him would stop the barking, but on the other hand I could take care of this dog so much better.
4) The Dead Dog from Marley and Me- As an avid dog enthusiast and connoisseur, you bet your tight ass that I was first in line for the premier of the hit doggie drama Marley and Me. Throughout the duration of the entire film, the only thing on my mind was how much I wanted to both figuratively and literally eat that little puppy right up. After the film I was so devastated that I was left in tears for days. By now this dog is likely in it’s twilight years and could use some love or a nice trip into flavortown.
5) An Actual Hot Dog- These are my favorite kinds of dogs. They’re loyal, they’re cute, and best of all I don’t get any side eyes for taking a bite out of one of these at the local park. I’m always torn between adopting one of these suckers and taking a bunch of cute foodie instagram pictures with it, but on the other hand this is the most portable and tasty of the dog family.
It’s almost a week past Thanksgiving and you still have a fridge packed with turkey, stuffing and all of the other Thanksgiving fixings. Chances are, you won’t be able to eat it all, so here are some other things you can do with the leftovers so you don’t have to contribute to the global food waste problem.
- Cranberry sauce as an air freshener-after a couple days, cranberry sauce will stiffen a little bit making it the ideal texture for an all-natural, non-toxic scent diffuser. There is nothing to keep the holiday spirit up like the scent of rotting cranberries diffusing throughout your house. Add a sprig of mint to elevate the aroma to the next level.
- Sweet potato casserole as a face mask-the creamier the potatoes, the better the consistency for a moisturizing face mask full of nutrients. The sweet potatoes will brighten your skin with essential Vitamin A that will strengthen your immune system and promote your vision.
- Stuffing as insulation-it’s almost winter time and that means the heat bills are going to hike up soon. Do yourself a favor and use that extra stuffing as insulation for your house. It’s a great use of resources and the critters between the walls will appreciate the holiday meal staple as well.
- Turkey as toilet paper-for some reason, turkey is the star of the day even though it usually comes out too dry for anyone to enjoy. Well now we can make the most of one of its quintessential features by using leftover turkey as toilet paper. Stop wasting trees and treat your backside to a more luxurious, substantial product.
Shaina was always a very kind and caring young girl. She could not help herself, constantly sharing and giving to others. It was this exact mentality that made her too weak for black friday. It was November 24th last year, black friday. The day before we had enjoyed a delicious Thanksgiving meal with all our extended family. Little did they know it would be the last day they would see shaina.
My wife, my kids, and I woke up at about four o’clock in the morning and headed to walmart. There was a sale for a 43.5 inch flat screen smart TV. It was only $150 and we were going to get it no matter the cost.
At 7 A.M. the doors opened and we bolted inside. I was unable to carry my daughter because I need to keep my hands on the cart, and obviously she couldn’t go in the cart because we needed room for the savings!
We obviously headed straight for the electronics sections, because the TVs would be the first to go. We were all very focused on getting the TV and lost track of Shaina. The only way to get to the TVs we had to fight our way through. People came at us with bats, knives, katanas, and maces, it was vicious. This sort of environment was not meant for people like Shaina. I realize now we never should have brought her, but at this point it was too late. I chose not to go back for her because we’ve wanted that TV for about a month, sacrifices had to be made.
Every we time we watch TV we think about the sacrifice Shaina made in order for us to have home entertainment. We love you Shaina and we are so proud of you, we always like to think you would have grown up to be a doctor, someone who cares for others and extremely kind.
Hello my children! It’s your favorite post-smoking, doobie-hitting, blunt-rolling, bowl-packing grandma, Gertrude. My grandson Jeff and I were blowing thick clouds the other day and I noticed he was reading something on his phone, so I asked what he was reading. He said he was looking at AMAs, and I asked what that was. He explained what they are and realized that I should do one, given that I’m one of the coolest, hippest (even though I broke my hip recently), chillest grandmas ever. So I thought I’d give it a shot. I’ll tell you a little about me, then feel free to AMA. I’ve been grinding nugs since I was 14. I was the town’s busiest dealer by the time I was 16 and soon dropped out of high school. I was the kingpin of my medium-sized town in New Jersey (not saying which because you better believe I’m still the number one dealer!) One of my producers even named a strain after me, “Gertrude’s Good Shit”. And let me tell you, that shit is good. I still smoke it to this day, alleviating my back pain and getting me high as fuck. I know my practice is illegal but hopefully New Jersey will legalize it soon and I’d be more than happy to open a regulated, taxed dispensary. I’m thinking of calling it “Grandma’s Dope Shop” or maybe “Grandma Gertrude’s Great Ganja”. That’d be great. So anyway, now I’ll leave it to you. What do you want to know about me? Also, check out this picture of me at my birthday last year lighting up a joint that had a blend of Gertrude’s Good Shit and Alaskan Thunder Fuck with the cake’s birthday candles. Dope af right?
By Heywood Jablomi
Currently coping with number 4
It’s an old platitude, but it’s true: life’s not fair. Bad, unpleasant, and painful things happen. It’s not your fault, a lot of the time you’re just a victim of circumstance. You’re not alone, though, most students will experience once, some, most, or all of these during their time at school. So come, gather ‘round and bask in the misery of your peers. It’s what Thanksgiving’s all about, after all.
- Your parents’ sexuality. For most of you, your parents had sex to create you. Not me, though, they made me in a petri dish. But for everyone not so lucky, your parents probably had sex to conceive you. And it might not have just been to conceive you, maybe they liked it. Gross. Parents aren’t supposed to do that! Regardless, they do, and at some point you may have to face that fact. Break out the alcohol.
- The unpleasant holiday. Thanksgiving especially is notorious for the conservative family members clashing with the liberal relatives, but it doesn’t have to be Thanksgiving and it doesn’t have to be political. Maybe your sister finally got the engaged to that scumbag who just wants to leech off your family. Maybe someone went a little too far with the “when are you getting married? When are you having children?” interrogation. Maybe your bastard cousins ate all the mashed potatoes before they could get to you. Holidays are a rough time, people.
- The missed exam. Even if that hasn’t happened yet, missing an exam is a recurring nightmare for college students. In some classes, exams are the only grades you have, and sleeping through one or getting delayed for some reason or another is terrifying and potentially disastrous. Set your alarm clocks and get a good night’s sleep, people, and remember that 2 hours early is better than 30 minutes late.
- The gay crush, or the straight crush. I’m sure plenty of us have been there: meet someone in class or online or wherever. You hit it off, you’ve got great chemistry, you’ve got a lot of the same interests, you make each other laugh, you love their dog, but one problem: they’re not even capable of being attracted to you! Damn. At least you’ve made a great friend, do your best not to forget that while wallowing in heartache and despair.
- The failed audition/tryout. You did your best, you practiced day and night, got your much more experienced friend to help you, go in confident, and at some point in the next few days, the audition results punch you in the stomach until you throw up. I wish I could tell you it’ll work out next time, but who knows. There’s only so many spots open.
This is turning out a bit long, so we’ll put part 2 after a long, Turkey-fueled depression nap, maybe. Hopefully reading about all this sadness and disappointment has gotten you in the holiday mood. Happy Thanksgiving, and happy Thursday to both our Canadian readers.