Category Archives: Features

We Interviewed The Aliens Who Write 30,000+ Word Wikipedia Articles About Our Customs

By Bradley “Brad” Tanner, Streetwise Intergalactic Correspondent

 

Have you ever read the Wikipedia articles on crying, laughter, waffles, or humans, and mulled over wondering which sort of fucking alien wrote it? We did too. That’s why I was proud to Zoom with Wikimedia Foundation’s preeminent Annunnaki employee, reptilian writer and editor Yorgoth Nephiliyax! We’ve pasted the abridged interview below!

 

BBT: Pleasure to speak to you and get a peek behind the curtain!

 

YN: Ergo. It is also in fact a broad class of mental states that humans and other conscious animals experience as positive, enjoyable, or worth seeking, to be form phonetic combinations of vowel and consonant sounds that form the sound of these words to you, and to use those phonetic combinations of vowel and consonant sounds to articulate a glimpse behind the scenery and stage area, through the cloud based, peer-to-peer, video communications software known as Zoom.

 

BBT: Thank you! So I just wanted to know; what exactly motivated you to cover Wikipedia’s human beats? What’s bouncing around that endo-thorax of yours?

 

YN: Following the Draco Constellation’s Ninth Inter-Planetary Total War, the mass death on Nibiru incited a trans-global recession, which our article on the matter defines as a business cycle contraction when there is a general decline in economic activity. I needed to depart from such squalor and misfortune, and that’s when I was compelled to encounter Wikipedia’s article on Earth, which it defines as the third planet from the Sun and the only astronomical object known (by homo sapiens) to harbor life.

 

BBT: I see. Speaking of homo sapiens, I was particularly moved by the first paragraph on us, when you call us “the only extant members of the subtribe Hominina” and say we’re “characterized by erect posture and bipedal locomotion”. And, speaking of erect, what was the research process behind your article on human penis size?

 

YN: Well, to paraphrase the piece itself, compared to other primates, including large examples such as the gorilla, the human penis is thickest, both in absolute terms and relative to the rest of the body. A statistically significant correlation between penis size and the size of other body parts has not been found in research, but as of 2015, a systematic review of 15,521 men, and the best research to date on the topic, as the subjects were measured by health professionals, rather than self-measured, has concluded that the average length of an erect human penis is 13.12 cm (5.17 inches) long. So, the research was largely done for me, but the methodology in both instances was a rigorous process of empirical observation. While penis panic is a form of mass hysteria involving the believed removal or shrinking of the penis, known as genital retraction syndrome, I did not witness any observable penile removals, disappearances, or shrinkages in girth and circumference.

 

BBT: Cool. I know it’s some people’s thing, but I don’t really go to NatGeo or Wiki articles to get aroused. Those ones on culinary history make some damn good food porn though! Which one was your favorite to write or edit?

 

YN: Ah! A glamourized visual presentation of cooking or eating in advertisements, infomercials, blogs, cooking shows, or other visual media! Hard to say. As our digestive organs undergo a three Gregorian-Calendar day gestation period, us Annunakis require less need for sustenance than the average homo sapien or carbon-based lifeform. But did you know that during the 19th and early 20th century, Bernese cookbooks recorded numerous recipes for Haselnussleckerli or Bernerläckerli, indicating that the sweet was initially only produced in the small Leckerli form, with the larger rectangular forms coming into use only in the second half of the 20th century? The now-common name of Haselnusslebkuchen is first used in a 1946 baker’s manual. The Berner Haselnusslebkuchen, or traditional Swiss Christmas Cake, is made of a marzipan-like mass of roasted and ground hazelnuts and about one eighth ground almonds, as well as a little sugar, honey, cinnamon, candied lemon and orange peel, held together by egg white. The addition of water or flour is not necessary, as the oil in the hazelnuts helps the mass stick together.

 

BBT: I did not. Thank you for enlightening me.

 

YN: I am pleased to offer you the full comprehension of a situation.

 

BBT: Moving on, Wikipedia has over 52 million articles to date. Was there any particular one you worked that made you emotional? Any human customs, famous deaths, or events that elated you? Amused you? Moved you to tears?

 

YN: Our species does not possess the basal, reflective, or psychic tear ducts sufficient to replicate the homo sapien act of crying, or a complex secretomotor phenomenon characterized by the shedding of tears from the lacrimal apparatus, without any irritation of the ocular structures, instead, giving a relief which protects from conjunctivitis. Recent psychological theories of crying emphasize the relationship of crying to the experience of perceived helplessness, but none of my content work has ever invoked such helplessness in my psyche. War is war. Death is death. The sporadic self arrangement and dissolution of the cosmos marches forth against itself. 

 

BBT: Sure is something. How do you update those death dates so damn fast by the way?

 

YN: Just general reptilian intuition. And a multinational hit squad of assassins in the wait, to maximize punctuality.

 

BBT: Excuse me?

 

YN: Don’t worry about them. Your cardiotoxicity, obesity, and hereditary high blood pressure will likely put you at sufficient risk of being a COVID-19 within the month regardless.

 

BBT: I’m gonna need a citation on that, buddy.

 

YN: I can intuitively sense your microbiome and blood temperature through the monitor.

 

BBT: And I can take my ass off it and go!

 

YN: But you’re a homo sapien! Not an asinus, a subgenus, that includes the donkey and multiple other asses!

 

BBT: I think we’re done here. We’ve steered this material to it’s logical zenith.

I Orchestrated 9/11 to Kill my Bitch Wife

By John Mansly

You know she had it comin’, I shouldn’t even have to say it but I will. She was a bitch, total bitch of a wife. Always askin’ me to do things, like the dishes, wash, helpin’ raise our children, women stuff, y’know? Then, she had the audacity to be goin’ out and gettin’ a education! She’s out at the university, doin’ a “doctorate in astrophysics” or some dumb shit like that. While she’s doin’ that, who’s cookin’ ma dinna? Expectin’ me to do that, ridiculous. So, I staged a elaborate scheme a sorts to get ridda her, make it look like an accident or whatnot.

I hired a whole buncha actas, guyses I knew from the factory, to hijack four different planes and launch coordinated attacks on different locations on the East Coast, so nobody knows who I’m really tryin’ ta kill. Was it a bit much? Yeah. Was it necessary? Totally. I got away wit’ it an’ all, but only cuz that fuckin’ Mayor Giuliani was too fuckin’ lazy to do any real investigatin’ and instead just said it was some terrorist group out in the middle a nowhere. Al-Qaeda who? Anyways, cokehead Bushy boy jumps on board, then starts a whole fuckin’ war with the fucks. The worst part a the whole thing: the fucking guyses didn’t even get the right building. My fuckin’ bitch wife works in the fuckin’ Chrysler building, not in the towers.

Top 10 Reasons I Got Fired from the Daily Targum

By Travis Touchdown

1) I was simply too badass for them: THOSE PUSSIES DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE A REAL MAN’S MAN LIKE MYSELF!

2) I kept stealing Jerry’s lunch: Yeah, that’s right Jerry you little bitch. I was the guy who kept stealing your lunch. And guess what? It didn’t even taste any good, so you should be thanking me for making the selfless sacrifice of eating that shitty tuna sandwich your mom made for you.

3) I refused to flush the toilet after I pooped: Yeah, like I’m gonna touch the handle and risk getting the Coronavirus. USE YOUR HEAD PEOPLE!

4) I punched out an intern because he said “The Taming of the Shrew” was his favorite Shakespeare comedy: Miss me with that foofoo shit. “Measure for Measure” is his finest work.

5) I kept writing my articles in Wingdings

6) I kept suggesting we change the newspaper’s name to the Daily Fartgum: Come on guys that’s fucking hysterical.

7) I accidently put the N-word in an article about the patterns of bird migration: Ya know what I think I can understand their reasoning for this one that was really my bad.

8) No one on the staff would buy me Animal Crossing: There’s a goddamn pandemic going around people I need some entertainment.

9) I kept doing the Borat voice when the sports editor’s wife passed away: Yeah, fuck me for trying to brighten the day of someone in mourning.

10)  I asked to be released: It was honestly such a toxic work environment.

11 Ways to Get What You Want, When You Want, & How You Want it (While Suffering Minimal Consequences or Legal Repercussions)

  1. Be Rich
  2. Own A lot of Assets
  3. Just Be Wealthy
  4. Possess Capital
  5. Kill Yourself if You’re Jeffrey Epstein
  6. Don’t Be Poor
  7. Make Your Net Worth Like Really Really Positive
  8. Do Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Have Money
  9. Obtain Currency
  10. Abundant Abundance
  11. Affluent Affluence

(Bonus) Possess Pee-Pee, Not Like Pee-Pee, and Lack Melanin

Top 4.5 Most Sensual Moments Students Face at Rutgers

By: Penn A. Trayshun

 

  1. Bus eye-fucking. We’ve all either seen it or been victim to it. You go and sit on a crowded LX and dream of the nameless cafeteria worker who will cook your stir-fry for what seems like a half hour, then you see it: a dirty, disheveled second-semester junior staring at some chick’s rather large bosom. You think to yourself: isn’t this some form of harassment? Then, the driver brakes way too hard (as they inevitably do) and he goes tumbling forward, his gaze broken as he falls on some unlucky freshman. Ah, good old Route 18 karma.
  2. When someone else opens the door for you. Picture this: It’s cold and snowy out. The wind is whipping your face into human leather. As you reach for your ID, boom! Someone walks out of your dorm, holding the door for you. Is that lust you feel welling up inside you for this unknown angel? You decide.
  3. Going for the same drink in the dining hall. A nice sunny day, a medium-quality dining hall meal, and the cherry on top: the orange guava passion fruit drink. As you go to fill up your cup…boom! Another student beats you to it, leaving you looking like a fucking idiot. But one thing’s for certain: you’re both thirsty youngsters. Time to get a room 😉
  4. When you have to drop your bowels next to someone. Come on, don’t lie to yourself. You’re a sucker for that intimate closeness you feel when you pull your pants down and sit your ass next to someone you don’t even know. Add some flatulence to show your love.

     .5    What, you thought there would be an actual half-reason listed? Are you serious? I can’t believe you would fall for that! I’m laughing so hard right now!

6 Things I Learned from My Time at Sopranoscon

By Frankie “The Racist” Frankarelli (but actually by Conor)

  1. James Gandolfini has been dead for 6 years (why the fuck didn’t anyone tell me this?)
  2. People will pay over 200 dollars to get their photo taken with the guy Tony curbstomped in Season 6.
  3. Gabagool on a stick takes FOREVER to leave your bowels
  4. When someone tells you to “fuggeda bout it” they don’t really want you to forget about it.
  5. The guy who played Little Carmine didn’t seem interested in the fanfiction I wrote about him
  6. The whole thing felt very faithful to the Sopranos in that I too felt like I was fleeced of my money.

Top 5 Phobias Turned Fetishes

By Harry Nuttsaac & P.P. Harding

  1. Defecaloesiophobia: The Fear of Painful Bowel Movements

The whole time I’m fucking this dude up the ass, the only thing he can think about is how painful his next shit is gonna be, makes him jizz on the spot.

  1. Ablutophobia: The Fear of Washing or Bathing

Oh yeah, baby, you smell like a used diaper.  God, if your breath smells this bad, I can’t wait to smell your coochie.

  1. Germanophobia: The Fear of Germany or German culture

As you tie your love down to the bed, you whisper sweet nothings into her ear: “I’m gonna pound you like wiener schnitzel.”

  1. Ostraconophobia: The Fear of Shellfish

Dowse your beloved in butter sauce and then shove crab legs up their ass, call that booty “crab cake.”

  1. Consecotaleophobia: The Fear of Chopsticks

We all know what we’re thinking here.  Every man is uncomfortable with anything going near their pee pee hole, but a guy with this phobia makes this a lot more interesting.

Movie Review: Night of the Living Dead Tamagotchi

By Heywood Jablomi

Deadbeat

 

Night of the Living Dead Tamagotchi is the latest in an already-exhausted genre of zombie parodies that feels as slow, lifeless, and unappealing as its subject matter. Long gone are the days of Sean of the Dead, back when zombie movies were everywhere and ripe for dissection, nowadays parodies seem to have overwhelmed originals and have made the genre its own reanimated corpse, which is a wonderfully ironic twist that could make a great movie if anyone making zombie movies these days could be bothered to try something new.

I suppose I’m being too harsh here, as Night of the Living Dead Tamagotchi does in fact try something new: a tamagotchi comes back to life and desires to kill its owner because of neglect. Sure, Pet Sematary could be said to do the same, except where that movie explores themes of guilt, loss, and the lengths people will go to protect the people around them no matter how unhealthy; Tamagotchi is content to rely on 80 minutes (barely feature length) of saying “it’s a tamagotchi. And a zombie! GET IT?!” and expect the audience to laugh along.

I could go on, there’s plenty of contrivances (why can the tamagotchi invade other pieces of tech and why is the PS4 of all devices safe??), stupid decisions made solely to further the plot (he knows the tamagotchi can burn him, why in the world would he pick it up? It can’t even move!) and downright awful special effects (movies from the 60s had better-looking UFOs than that), but there’s just no point. Night of the Living Death Tamagotchi is cheap, soulless, uncreative, and shallow. The only saving graces are its mercifully short length (an expos lecture is the same length and much more entertaining) and the fanservice provided by the lead actress (that Princess Zelda costume is both respectful and elegant, although bizarrely out of place. I’d recommend watching literally anything else, and I’m giving this movie a two out of seventeen.

Interview With ex-Sugar Baby who Found Love

By Heywood Jablomi

God I wish that was me

 

We here at the Medium were lucky enough to get an interview with Mrs. Jade Wright-Crimson, who recently returned from her honeymoon with her wife Angel. Angel and Jade met through a mutual sugar daddy, who unfortunately passed away over the summer.

Medium: Nice to have you here, Jade. We understand you and your wife had the same sugar daddy?

Jade: Yes! We were both seniors in college at the time, she was actually at Rutgers, and wanted to get started on getting rid of our frankly disgusting amount of debt. Both of us happened to get in contact with Richard Stokes, he was in his seventies but he was loaded. We never actually ended up meeting him in real life, it was mostly pictures and chats. He could never figure out video chats, poor guy. Anyway, sometimes he liked, uh, ‘playing with’ both of us at once, and one night after he went to sleep we decided to chat for a while.

M: How long have you been together?

J: Almost six years. We were long distance for a bit at first, but then we told Rich that if we were together we could send him group pictures. He ended up paying for my entire move!

M: That’s very generous of him.

J: He was a horny old bastard, but he appreciated there were more important things in life than money.

M: Can you tell us a little bit about Mr. Stokes?

J: He was kind of a lonely guy. Hardworking businessman, made a lot of money, but didn’t have a lot of friends at work. No family, never married. He was nice, though, in a pervy sort of way. I’ll miss him.

M: I understand he left the two of you a little something?

J: Not just a little! He basically paid for our wedding, our honeymoon, and we’ve got a good start on buying a new house! If we have a son, I think we’ll name him Richie.

M: Sounds like a nice way to honor his memory. Do you think you’ll find another sugar daddy?

J: I don’t think so, but I wouldn’t close myself to the idea. We had some very good times.

Quiz: When Will Your Seasonal Depression Kick In?

By Dick Veiney

 

  1. What do you dread the most?
    1. Seeing couples posting endless amounts of photos in apple orchards or pumpkin patches
    2. Tolerating your politically incorrect, constantly drunk relatives as they spew things that are literally factually incorrect
    3. Being reminded that you parents love your siblings more than you because you literally got a toothbrush and they got a car
  2. What is the worst way to die?
    1. Bleeding to death because you didn’t check the candy in your basket and accidentally swallowed a razor blade
    2. Shitting yourself to death because your aunt thought that you were “only being dramatic” when you told her you couldn’t eat dairy
    3. Being impaled as you attempt to maneuver a seven foot tree through a door frame that was most certainly not meant for anything with a greater circumference than 50 inches
  3. Which of these are the worst?
    1. Candy Corn
    2. Green bean casserole
    3. Eggnog
  4. Would you support global warming if it meant never getting seasonal depression again?
    1. Yes
    2. Yes
    3. Yes

 

Mostly A’s: October

Mostly B’s: November

Mostly C’s: December