Category Archives: Features

Fruits Ranked from Most to Least Fuckable

#30- Small fruits: Automatic disqualification for fruits smaller than your dick. Which I suppose might be smaller than average assuming you’re desperate enough to fuck a fruit.
Honorable Mention- Bananas: While you can’t put your dick in it, you can put it up your ass, and in some cases that’s almost as good. Also an honorable mention because bananas are actually berries (not that that’ll stop me from putting anything on this godforsaken listicle)
#26- Durian: Literally the worst. Spiky, smelly, and what the fuck is all that shit on the inside? Stay the fuck away.
#25- Pineapple: Spiky and its juices will digest your dick. Seriously, stay away from the demon fruit unless you’re incredibly masochistic.
#24- Jackfruit: Same problems as the durian, it’s spiky and got a weird inside.
#23- Custard Apple: I’ve never seen this before, but it looks similar to a durian, just less spiky on the inside. I think this ranks as “unusable”, but if anyone wants to give it a try, be my guest.
#22- Passion fruit: Your dick probably wouldn’t fit in here and even so the texture’s probably pretty weird. It only makes the list so I could make a pun about the word “passion”.
#21- Avocados: These things are technically fruits, but just barely. This fucking thing wouldn’t even work, you’ve gotta cut it open to get the seed out and at that point it’s already worthless. Just keep your sweaty dick out of this one and ask your mom to make some guac out of it. Apricots have the same problem, just don’t bother.
#20- Carambola: What the fuck is a carambola? Honestly, this might be worse than an avocado because of its weird shape, I’m just putting it up here because at least I know avocados and I can’t be fucked to rewrite anything. Just like you can’t be fucked by a normal human being, fruit freak. Actually, lump cherimoyas in here too, I don’t know what it is but it’s probably terrible.
#19- Pomegranate: This is literally just a giant seed pod. Maybe you could get some pleasure out of the friction? Probably not.
#18- Papaya: Their skin’s a little thicker than pomegranates, so it might be alright if you’ve got a micropenis. Of course, everything else below is probably better in every respect, so just make a smoothie or something out of the papaya and try to control your depraved urges
#17- Nectarine: Texture’s probably on par with melons if you microwave them, but it also has that giant seed inside, don’t even bother.
#16- Plum: Goddamn, what is with all these fruits having giant pits in the middle?
#15- Peach: Has the same problem as the nectarine and plum. It only outranks it because of the connotations attached to peaches.
#14- Coconuts: Big enough, but it’s got a weird texture and it’s also hollow.
#13- Apples. This one’s not great, it’s small and the flesh is incredibly hard. Just eat it, maybe do something healthy for once.
#12- Pear: Pretty much the same as an apple, except it looks like a ballsack. Mentally rearrange the two if that’s not what you’re into.
#11- Breadfruit: Again, I don’t know what the fuck this is. I’m just assuming it’s better than an apple.
#10- Figs: I have actually never eaten a fig before. It’s probably not much better than an apple, but it’s probably not worse either. I’d tell you to contact me if you try this out and determine an actual, experimental order, but chances are I don’t want to know you if you’re the kind of person who does this.
#9- Orange: So you could probably microwave this and cut a hole in it and fuck that? I’m not sure exactly how well it would work what with the slices and all, I’d just recommend eating an orange instead of trying to fuck it. Actually, I’d recommend eating any of these, but that’s not what you’re here for. You sick fuck.
#8- Kiwi: Skin might be a bit uncomfortable, but the texture probably feels alright. Of course, far superior to fucking a fruit would be fucking a New Zealander, but there’s no way a kiwi that isn’t a literal fruit would let you within 100 meters.
#7- Pummelo: Again, I don’t know what this is, it kind of looks like a colorblind kid tried to color in a picture of an orange. It’s decently sized though, so it’s probably alright.
#6- Mango: A bit small, but probably won’t be a problem. I’ve never microwaved one of these so I don’t know how that affects the texture, but it probably has a similar feeling as some more standard fruits. If  you’re too cheap to buy a melon, a mango is probably fine.
#5- Cantaloupe: I’m sure you can’t elope if you’re trying to figure out what fruit to fuck. Seriously, just use your hand like a goddamn normal person, freak.
#4- Honeydew Melon: Probably about the same as the cantaloupe, but it’s green so that automatically puts it on top.
#3- Watermelon: Has anyone tried to fuck a watermelon ever? It would be hard to microwave, but if you’re reading, you might be able to become the first person to fuck a watermelon.
#2- Grapefruits: Old reliable. I assume most of you reading this have already tried this, but it’s a classic and I couldn’t justify not putting it all the way at #2.
#1- Elton John

How to Foster a Sense of Community on the Bus

By The Nifty Knitter

1. Make individual eye contact with each and every person sitting in a seat or standing.
2. Always offer your seat or the seat of someone who looks physically capable of standing to someone who looks physically incapable of standing.
3. Always engage in conversation with the bus driver.
4. Always welcome people as they enter the bus.
5. Always wish people well as they exit the bus.
6. If someone starts eating something with nuts, make sure to
make an announcement to see if anyone has allergies.
7. Offer to hold someone’s backpack if they look worn out.
8. Offer your lap to children when there are no seats left, they have poor balance.
9. If someone is listening to music, be sure to ask who the artist is.
10. Offer the person next to you one of your headphones if you’re listening to music.

KKK-Pop

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1. White, and a good Fellow by Grand Wizard Khalifa
2. Bake it off (The Jews) by Taylor’s List
3. Loyalty (To the Master Race) by KKKendrick Bizarre ft. The Neo Nazis
4. Gasoline by Daddy Yankee Doodle ft. Lil Adolf
5. There’s Nothing Holding me Black by Shawn Mengele
6. My President is White by Young Jesus
7. Free you Again, Not! by Tyler, The Executioner
8. All my Negroes are Dead by Lil AR15
9. The Great Wall of Trump by Tronald Dump
10.My Heart is in Alabamanana by KKKamila KKKabello

5 Thanksgiving Side Dishes That Will Start a Political Debate Between Your Family

This Thanksgiving, use this list to figure out what dishes you shouldn’t bring if you want a nice, peaceful, apolitical family meal.

Brussels Sprouts with Bacon – Despite the bacon attempting to save this dish, bringing brussels sprouts to the meal will definitely lead to Uncle Jeff bringing up Brussels, the de facto capital of the EU, and why Brexit was necessary to get out of the tangled mess of laws that are forcing large economies to hold up unimportant countries and the bacon just reminds Jeff of the migrant situation that the EU is facing.

Butternut Squash – Seriously? BUTTerNUT squash? Skip bringing this to the meal unless you want to hear Uncle Glen go off again on why “The Gays don’t deserve rights and what they’re doing in their bedrooms when they sodomize each other is unholy.” Last year he immediately followed that by going out to his Ford F-150 and sitting at the dessert table caressing his shotgun. For your mother’s sanity, just don’t bring this.

Couscous Risotto – You thought it would be fun to do an alternative to regular risotto, but of course Aunt Kathy, a postal worker, sees the Middle-Eastern origin of this dish and will absolutely go off on how all Muslims are terrorists who try to send anthrax and bombs through the mail. She spent the majority of last year insisting that the entire family should eat only pork to stick it to those “Halal fucks.” Her words, not mine. Good thing you didn’t bring Fariba, your new Muslim girlfriend this year.

Dulce De Leche – Here goes Uncle Glen again, Glen, a foreman at the local manufacturing plant is immediately going to launch into a tirade about getting “These god-damn job stealing Mexicans out of his country and plant.” Cinco cervezas deep, Glen, who has no problem drinking Corona, is going to keep going on about how Mexican desserts have no place in this country as long as his heart is pumping and his blood is red like an American.

Tofurkey – Your newly Vegan cousin tried to bring one of these last year, insisting everyone should try it while talking about why Christopher Columbus was a genocidal monster, and that the pilgrims were rapists who took the land of the Native Americans without giving them anything in return, besides syphillis. In response, Grandpa Walter turned to your parents yelling, “I can’t believe you two are paying for her to go to Vassar and get her mind filled with this liberal bullshit. Back in my day, it was called Thanksgiving because they liked it.”

Kevin Spacey Movies That Are Suddenly Relevant

By Heywood Jablomi

6. The Usual Suspects ­– If only because he’s on track to become one.

5. Iron Will — Probably hoped to study how to break one.

4. When You Remember Me — I suppose he was hoping it wouldn’t come to that.

3. Baby Driver — He was probably disappointed it wasn’t about driving babies.

2. A Show of Force — The blurbs just write themselves at this point.

1. Consenting Adults — I mean, come on.

Madea Movies You Didn’t Know Existed Because Tyler Perry Has Beaten This Idea to Death and Because They Went Straight to DVD and Who Has a DVD Player Anymore?

1. Madea Goes to Madea: A Madea Madea
2. A Very Madea Hanukkah: Shabbat Shalom Bitches!
3. Wham! Madea Punches a Nazi in the Face
4. Oops! Madea Loses a Baby: Finds Another One!
5. Madea Goes to the Zoo: Has Okay Time
6. Shamu! Madea Gets a Job at SeaWorld
7. Madea Comes Out of the Closet: Moves to Under the Bed
8. Tyler Perry vs. Madea: A Fight to the Death
9. Madea Renews Her Contract: Here Till 2024!
10. Contract’s Up: Madea Runs for President!
11. AHHH! Madea Goes Rogue: Kills Entire Family 2!
12. Madea Checks into a Mental Institution
13. I’m Out Bitches!: Madea Checks out of Mental Insti2tion
14. Madea Gets Breast Cancer: Reevaluates Some of Her Life Decisions
15. RIP Madea: A Tribute
16. Sike! Madea’s Back and Better? Than Ever!
17. The End of an Era: Madea Gets Hit by A Bus!