By Bradley “Brad” Tanner, Streetwise Intergalactic Correspondent
Have you ever read the Wikipedia articles on crying, laughter, waffles, or humans, and mulled over wondering which sort of fucking alien wrote it? We did too. That’s why I was proud to Zoom with Wikimedia Foundation’s preeminent Annunnaki employee, reptilian writer and editor Yorgoth Nephiliyax! We’ve pasted the abridged interview below!
BBT: Pleasure to speak to you and get a peek behind the curtain!
YN: Ergo. It is also in fact a broad class of mental states that humans and other conscious animals experience as positive, enjoyable, or worth seeking, to be form phonetic combinations of vowel and consonant sounds that form the sound of these words to you, and to use those phonetic combinations of vowel and consonant sounds to articulate a glimpse behind the scenery and stage area, through the cloud based, peer-to-peer, video communications software known as Zoom.
BBT: Thank you! So I just wanted to know; what exactly motivated you to cover Wikipedia’s human beats? What’s bouncing around that endo-thorax of yours?
YN: Following the Draco Constellation’s Ninth Inter-Planetary Total War, the mass death on Nibiru incited a trans-global recession, which our article on the matter defines as a business cycle contraction when there is a general decline in economic activity. I needed to depart from such squalor and misfortune, and that’s when I was compelled to encounter Wikipedia’s article on Earth, which it defines as the third planet from the Sun and the only astronomical object known (by homo sapiens) to harbor life.
BBT: I see. Speaking of homo sapiens, I was particularly moved by the first paragraph on us, when you call us “the only extant members of the subtribe Hominina” and say we’re “characterized by erect posture and bipedal locomotion”. And, speaking of erect, what was the research process behind your article on human penis size?
YN: Well, to paraphrase the piece itself, compared to other primates, including large examples such as the gorilla, the human penis is thickest, both in absolute terms and relative to the rest of the body. A statistically significant correlation between penis size and the size of other body parts has not been found in research, but as of 2015, a systematic review of 15,521 men, and the best research to date on the topic, as the subjects were measured by health professionals, rather than self-measured, has concluded that the average length of an erect human penis is 13.12 cm (5.17 inches) long. So, the research was largely done for me, but the methodology in both instances was a rigorous process of empirical observation. While penis panic is a form of mass hysteria involving the believed removal or shrinking of the penis, known as genital retraction syndrome, I did not witness any observable penile removals, disappearances, or shrinkages in girth and circumference.
BBT: Cool. I know it’s some people’s thing, but I don’t really go to NatGeo or Wiki articles to get aroused. Those ones on culinary history make some damn good food porn though! Which one was your favorite to write or edit?
YN: Ah! A glamourized visual presentation of cooking or eating in advertisements, infomercials, blogs, cooking shows, or other visual media! Hard to say. As our digestive organs undergo a three Gregorian-Calendar day gestation period, us Annunakis require less need for sustenance than the average homo sapien or carbon-based lifeform. But did you know that during the 19th and early 20th century, Bernese cookbooks recorded numerous recipes for Haselnussleckerli or Bernerläckerli, indicating that the sweet was initially only produced in the small Leckerli form, with the larger rectangular forms coming into use only in the second half of the 20th century? The now-common name of Haselnusslebkuchen is first used in a 1946 baker’s manual. The Berner Haselnusslebkuchen, or traditional Swiss Christmas Cake, is made of a marzipan-like mass of roasted and ground hazelnuts and about one eighth ground almonds, as well as a little sugar, honey, cinnamon, candied lemon and orange peel, held together by egg white. The addition of water or flour is not necessary, as the oil in the hazelnuts helps the mass stick together.
BBT: I did not. Thank you for enlightening me.
YN: I am pleased to offer you the full comprehension of a situation.
BBT: Moving on, Wikipedia has over 52 million articles to date. Was there any particular one you worked that made you emotional? Any human customs, famous deaths, or events that elated you? Amused you? Moved you to tears?
YN: Our species does not possess the basal, reflective, or psychic tear ducts sufficient to replicate the homo sapien act of crying, or a complex secretomotor phenomenon characterized by the shedding of tears from the lacrimal apparatus, without any irritation of the ocular structures, instead, giving a relief which protects from conjunctivitis. Recent psychological theories of crying emphasize the relationship of crying to the experience of perceived helplessness, but none of my content work has ever invoked such helplessness in my psyche. War is war. Death is death. The sporadic self arrangement and dissolution of the cosmos marches forth against itself.
BBT: Sure is something. How do you update those death dates so damn fast by the way?
YN: Just general reptilian intuition. And a multinational hit squad of assassins in the wait, to maximize punctuality.
BBT: Excuse me?
YN: Don’t worry about them. Your cardiotoxicity, obesity, and hereditary high blood pressure will likely put you at sufficient risk of being a COVID-19 within the month regardless.
BBT: I’m gonna need a citation on that, buddy.
YN: I can intuitively sense your microbiome and blood temperature through the monitor.
BBT: And I can take my ass off it and go!
YN: But you’re a homo sapien! Not an asinus, a subgenus, that includes the donkey and multiple other asses!
BBT: I think we’re done here. We’ve steered this material to it’s logical zenith.