Move in day has passed, signaling the start of the school year. For upperclassmen, it’s back to the grind of burning the candle at both ends. For freshmen, there lies a sea of unknowns.
Fortunately for confused freshmen, Rutgers was kind enough to create a “RUcketlist”—a rundown of can’t-miss activities and experiences the University has to offer.
For the droves of bewildered incoming freshmen, this list probably seems foreign and daunting. Some sophomores may even want some guidance.
Don’t worry, The Medium is here to help. We are ranking all 27 items on the list to steer everyone, especially the freshmen, in the right direction.
- Get tested for AIDS/HIV – This will make all you worried freshmen look cool immediately. Go to the Hurtado Health Center on College Ave your first week of school and get tested, that way all the people on your floor will think you’re awesome and already got laid. You lie to some kids you’d like to befriend and get tested to backup your story. It’s a win-win; you either get to check out a different part of your new school while surreptitiously making new friends, or you get your results back and find out you actually have HIV! Either way you get some free condoms out of it.
- Attend a football game – Whether you’re a sports fan or not, going to at least one football game is a must. Luckily, Rutgers opens the season on Friday against No. 8 Washington, which means you’ll get to experience a Rutgers football tradition at your first game: an embarrassing blowout. When you’re at a game, make sure to use a meal swipe on some Papa John’s pizza, then drunkenly hurl it 20 rows deep toward the marching band.
- Fall Involvement Fair – Everybody goes to the involvement fair. This is where you plan your future before classes even start by giving out your email to almost every club you pass. Just make sure to grab as many pens and starburst as you can, and try to avoid being one of those creepy freshmen who walk around by themselves.
- Join a Student Organization – Now that you’ve signed up for at least 15 clubs, you have to join all of them. That’s how it works; nobody likes a flake. Don’t worry about classes, those are easy, just like high school. This is how you make lifelong connections, by spreading yourself too thin.
- Jump Off the High Dive at the Werblin Pool – Now that classes have started and you’re in a bunch of clubs, you’re going to want to kill yourself. That’s a big commitment, so jump off the high dive first to see if you’re cut out for it. We suggest doing a bellyflop. When the lifeguard comes to save you, he or she will ask you which NFL team Sonny Werblin owned to make sure you’re okay.
- Eat a Fat Sandwich – All right, so killing yourself isn’t the best idea, but swimming is always fun. Now that you feel depressed and lonely, use food to cope, and what better food to cope with than Rutgers’ famous fat sandwiches. Head over to their new location at The Yard and inhale some greasy food while sobbing until the store closes at 3 a.m.
- Before I Die Walls (10/3/17- 10/5/17) – RUPA puts this event on to help motivate students to reach their goals, but now you’ve been wallowing for weeks, so use these walls to send one last message out to the world.
- Join a Fraternity or Sorority – So somebody saw you write a grim, horrifying note on those walls, and now you’re getting some well-needed counseling from CAPS. You haven’t made a breakthrough yet, so you’re just lying to yourself about being happy. That’s the perfect time to rush. Put on a fake smile and bury your pain with alcohol, then go to your dorm room and sob into your twin mattress. Try not to wake up your roommates with your muffled tears, you crazy freshmen.
- Play Basketball at Deiner Park – When the gyms are packed, take advantage of the nice weather and play outside at the courts behind the river dorms on College Ave. You’ll be mingling with Middlesex County locals, though, so to the white freshmen, just keep your head down. Just be a team player and learn some cool new slang.
- Dance Marathon – This is a crazy time of the year. It feels great to donate to a good cause, but it’s really about sharing pictures of yourself dancing at the RAC for 12 hours on social media. If you didn’t post a picture did you even donate? No, we all know you didn’t donate anything, Frank.
- Convocation & Carnival – Only go to this to overhear conversations about where parties are that night. Then go out and learn about ratio.
- Take a Photo at the RevolUtionary Monument – Do this to truly appreciate how underwhelming our 250th anniversary gift is.
- Participate in Homecoming Bed Races – If you enjoy pointless activities filled with menial tasks, do the bed races. Nobody is really that sure what they’re for, and you get to waste time decorating a bed. Also if you’re lucky, the people racing next to you may swerve and run you over.
- Run in the Big Chill 5k – If you learn anything your freshmen year, you never have to pay for t-shirts. Run in the Chill for the shirt.
- Attend the Mark Conference – Instead of listening to a professional give an interesting TED Talk online, listen to people you’ve never heard of for an entire day in uncomfortable chairs. There will be free food, though. College is about snagging free food, too.
- Hot Dog Day – Wait in line for an hour for a single hot dog. Then go jump in a bouncy house and throw up. Warning: Don’t be fooled by any short lines–those are lines for vegan hot dogs.
- See a Livingston Theatre Company or Cabaret Performance – If you’re having a tough time as a freshman, watching a poor production put on by your fellow peers is a great way to make you feel better about yourself. You’ll have to sit through two excruciating hours of amateur acting, though, so it may not be worth it.
- Pet a Piglet at the Cook Farm – Overrated.
- Attend the RUPA Masquerade Ball – Only go to this if you’re a pretentious douche bag. Also, freshmen who are pretentious douchebags have a hard time making friends.
- Scarlet Harvest – What is this?
- Geek Week – And this?
- Scarlet Day of Service – This? These are probably just all made up to confuse freshmen. We’re looking out for you, though.
- Party at the Puddle – There’s an oversized puddle on Cook. Some people like to sit by it. That’s all you freshmen need to know.
- Bring a Friend to the Homecoming Bonfire – After people took this opportunity to toss their fake friends into the flames, Rutgers security now guards the fire. Not really worth going anymore.
- Homecoming Week: Bonfire, Bed Races + More! – Why would Rutgers put this on the list? You either mention the entire event or highlight the specifics, not both. Pathetic.
- Get Take Out From Neilson Dining Hall – What makes Neilson so special? Don’t fall for the food hall wars. Stand united in disgust of them all.
- Take a Selfie with the Scarlet Knight – Don’t mock the person inside who’s dying of a heat stroke. Bring the Knight some water and get out of the way.