Tessica Jesticles
To try to compete with the new release of Apple’s Apple Vision Pro, Samsung has released a specialty VR headset which promises to provide a superior immersive experience. The Galaxy Goon was officially unveiled in a social media post featuring a test subject utilizing the headset to its fullest potential. While this guy was straight jackin’ it on stage, test subject S. Mart Man explained his enthusiasm for the new technology. “Now everytime I come home from a hard day of work, I can unwind by locking myself in my Samsung Galaxy Goon Garage, booting up my Samsung Galaxy Goon headset, and tuning out my bitch wife’s nagging!”
The headset can in fact only be used for gooning, as Samsung has decided to streamline the experience by removing the gaming capabilities that a VR headset would typically possess. The headset can expand on an already existing physical goon cave, augmenting the trash and grime coated reality by presenting you with all the porn you could ever think of. Yes, even that kind… you little fucking freak. The new tech is certainly taking the world by storm, as gooners everywhere begin to have mass augmented gooning sessions in public. Capitalizing on this idea, Samsung has also announced that for Valentine’s Day they will be renting out Central Park to host the world’s largest concurrent goon sesh. The event titled, “Gooning on the Go,” is expected to top out at an estimated 69,000 gooners. The event is being set up without the sanction of the city, but the NYPD does not know how to handle that many absolute losers, and has already given up on attempting to arrest anyone who attends. While scoping out the goon goods ahead of the festivities, The Medium staff encountered a disgruntled man in a police uniform and had the chance to ask his thoughts on the event. “I’m just gonna go home to my wife, I wasn’t able to get tickets. But I really feel bad for the janitorial staff they hired.” As the man walked away, the text reading “Police” on his uniform started peeling off revealing a sewn on patch that read “Goon Life”.
The Medium 