5 Ways to Spice Up your Bedroom

By – P. P. Harding

  1. X Marks the Spot– Get really into pirate role play. Have your first mate draw a red “X” where they want to ejaculate and if they hit their target yell “Shiver me timbers!”, then both enjoy a nice orange to prevent scurvy.
  2. Sundae Surprise– Grab yourself some sprinkles, whip up some cream, get some ice cream. Put the toppings on the ice cream. Eat the ice cream. Do not have sex.
  3. Pinata Party– wear a blindfold and grab that old baseball bat from out of the garage. Tie your partner up and violently beat them with the bat within an inch of their life.
  4. Cum Home for Christmas– Get festive! Take a candy cane and repeatedly shove it in and out of your partner’s asshole until the end of it looks like the tip of a Christmas tree star
  5. Shrexy– Reuse your condoms! Place your used condoms over your partner’s ears (to look like Shrek) and have them yell “GET OUT OF MAH SWAMP” in a thicc Scottish accent.

Bad Video Game Analysis- De Blob

By Richard Hunter
Projecting

 

For those of you not in the know, De Blob is a simple but satisfying puzzle platformer starring the titular “blob”, some kind of life form that can absorb color and transfer it to any surface he touches. The game tries to tell you that the story goes like this: the evil “INKT” corporation has sucked all the color from the world, and Blob has to put it back. This is the child-friendly story that De Blob tricks your parents into buying the game for innocent children with, but a little bit of digging will reveal the truth.

As I’m sure you all know, the gay pride flag is black, brown, red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and purple. Blob can paint the world any one of the last seven colors on that list, with the exception of black. This is because black and white are the colors of the INKT corporation, and also the colors of the straight flag. So obviously, at the core of De Blob is a conflict between gay people and straight people, and the player character leads the charge of the gays. This is exactly the liberal propaganda that the left wants to infect our children with, brainwashing them with pro-gay ideals.

And you know what? De Blob is so arrogant, they rub their plan right in the faces of the innocent consumers they’re corrupting. Regularly throughout the game, you’ll be able to “liberate” the citizens of the world by turning them from a perfectly normal gray to all different colors of the rainbow. De Blob is turning your children gay, and isn’t even trying to hide it. Protect yourself, play something innocent like Mass Effect, and don’t even think of buying this propaganda.

Top 5 Dogs to Either Adopt or be Eaten by Me

By: Richard Hertz

1) Spot- Yo, look at this fucking quality grade A meat, boi over here? Aptly named for the single adorable spot over his eye, this delectable canine was abandoned by its owner after they moved and is desperately looking for a home.

 

2) Clifford- You know him, you love him, but should I try and eat him. Though I am told that he is merely a character in a children’s book series, my uncontrollable urge to either consume this canine Titan or take care of him forever will not stop until I find out for sure. I mean think of how awesome it would be to have a boss ass dog the size of a fucking building; likewise, consider the amount meat that absolute unit of a specimen would give me.

 

3)My Neighbor’s Shit Dog Ron- This little bastard has kept me awake every night for the past year and a half. All he does all day is bark and bark and stink up the hallway. On the one hand eating him would stop the barking, but on the other hand I could take care of this dog so much better.

 

4) The Dead Dog from Marley and Me- As an avid dog enthusiast and connoisseur, you bet your tight ass that I was first in line for the premier of the hit doggie drama Marley and Me. Throughout the duration of the entire film, the only thing on my mind was how much I wanted to both figuratively and literally eat that little puppy right up. After the film I was so devastated that I was left in tears for days. By now this dog is likely in it’s twilight years and could use some love or a nice trip into flavortown.

 

5) An Actual Hot Dog- These are my favorite kinds of dogs. They’re loyal, they’re cute, and best of all I don’t get any side eyes for taking a bite out of one of these at the local park. I’m always torn between adopting one of these suckers and taking a bunch of cute foodie instagram pictures with it, but on the other hand this is the most portable and tasty of the dog family.

Santa is Real, Because He Touched My Penis

The year was 1986, it was Christmas eve and I could not wait to see what sort of presents I had in store for me this Christmas. I had asked Santa for the new Nintendo Entertainment system, I was so excited. I had just turned 16 so I was a lot more mature and thoughtful about meeting Santa that night.

I had several cups of coffee to avoid going to sleep at my usual 8 PM bedtime and I waited by the fireplace for Santa to show up. My mom kept trying to convince me that Santa wasn’t real, but I didn’t believe her. She even showed me this gifts she got for me, but I knew there was no way they weren’t from Santa.

I waited by the fireplace all night until at around 11 PM I suddenly hear a knock on the door. I went to answer it and there he was. Santa Claus standing right in front of me. I was speechless. He then said, “well kid, you gonna let me?” I was too amazed to answer, so I just moved to the side and he walked in. What was a bit strange was he was not wearing his usual attire. He was dressed in rubber boots, which I guess is similar to what he normally wears, a dark green plaid shirt, a pair of dirty jeans, I guess from all the chimney climbing, and his classic red hat and coat, which also looked a bit dirty for the same reason. Besides for this different look, I could tell it was definitely Santa and assumed he had the bag of toys waiting outside.

As he settled himself on the couch he began eating the cookies and milk and told me they were delicious. And the first words I spoke to him were, “I made them, I’m glad you liked them.” Then he said, “Well, boy it seems there are a lot of things about you that I like” and he grabbed me by my penis. I was both frightened and honored by what had just happened. I could feel his Christmas magic pulsing from my ball up through my entire body.

I then heard my mother scream. She had proceeded to call the cops and got Santa arrested. Santa is now in prison and the government covered it up. So the reason Santa No longer comes down your chimney at night is not because he does not exist it is because of my stupid mom. My mom keeps telling me it was not Santa, but I still don’t talk to her.

Luka Modrić Wins Ballon d’Or, Ronaldo Did Not Pay Enough (314)

Robin Banks
Messi Fan

Paris, France

(Warning before reading: this article talks about the sport of soccer, AKA football. All references to “soccer” will be addressed as football from now on, you uncultured fools.)

On December 3, 2018 Real Madrid’s Luka Modrić won football’s most coveted individual prize, the Ballon d’Or. The Croatian Midfielder won his third consecutive Champions’ League and led his team to the finals of the FIFA World Cup. It is a win highly deserved and more authentic than previous years. This win is not only significant because it marks the first time a Croatian has won the award, but also the first time in ten years where the winner was neither Cristiano Ronaldo not Lionel Messi.

The other news story to come out of Paris at the same time was the extraordinarily decrease in “donations” received by France Football, the company who gives out the Ballon d’Or. One donor in particular, who goes by the name “Christian Ronald”, did not donate any money to the organization for the first time in ten years. An independent investigation launched by The Medium has concluded with 6.9% confidence that “Christian Ronald”, is, indeed, Portugal star and alleged rapist, Cristiano Ronaldo. By donating large sums of money in return for votes, Ronaldo could possibly be indicted on bribery charges. When pressed on this issue, Ronaldo said, “I donate because I am a good man. However, this year after paying $21 million to settle some unpaid dues, I simply could not afford to spend a penny from my small net worth of $450 million”.

In a press release, France Football said that they will now be accepting donations for the 2018-2019 fiscal year. “We here at France Football want players to not only compete on the field, but also in all aspects of their lives.”, said Sepp Blatter enthusiast and CEO of France Football, Didier Quillot.

Couple Finally Married 5 Years After one Caught the Other Masturbating in Dorm

By Heywood Jablomi
Not Actually Asking, thanks

 

Wedding bells filled the air on Sunday morning when Richard Freeman and Tom Johnson became Misters Richard and Tom Freeman-Johnson in a quaint little ceremony upstate. Despite the ceremony and reception going of fairly well, as per usual, there were issues behind the scenes. On top of having to change photographers three times, drunk relatives, and mismatching flowers, Freeman refused to let his best friend of how he met his new husband.

Richard and Tom were roommates in their sophomore year of college. At first, it just seemed like they were gonna be two guys who shared a space, but they’d never create that special bond some roommates have. They were a little awkward around each other, and didn’t talk much. “It was like there was this barrier between us,” Tom reported, “and neither of us could really break it down. I was on my side and he was on his side, we said bye when we left and hi when we came back and that was about it.”

That barrier went right down, however, when Richard finally decided he was comfortable and horny enough to jerk off one fateful Friday afternoon. Unfortunately, Tom came back earlier than Richard expected, and caught him with his pants on the floor and his dick in his hands. “It was then I knew he was the one,” Tom told us. Sunday was the five-year anniversary of that night, and they thought it fitting to have their ceremony on the same day. Their parents and most of their friends are blissfully unaware of how they first got together.

NASA’s Mars InSight Lander Really Needs to get Shit Together

Bot Joplin
Wants to follow you

If you’ve somehow been able to avoid the nonstop barrage of headlines this week, NASA landed on Mars (again) last Monday. Since then, the space agency has literally been on everyone’s dick about it, constantly reminding the American public of how mind-bendingly great their InSight lander is doing on the red planet.

It is, of course, objectively amazing that man managed to touch down on extraterrestrial soil, but it’s only been six years since the last time we did this, and the coverage is starting to feel a little self-aggrandizing. InSight’s moment in the low-intensity Martian sun was short-lived, however. In just its second week on the job, InSight was completely outshone by its own forbear.

The Curiosity rover, which until recently held the title of NASA’s most recent and hottest Mars landing, might have had reason to worry about its reputation if InSight hadn’t turned out to be such a fucking slacker. We all know adjusting to a new job can be tough, but the new kid on Mars doesn’t even seem to be trying.

Last week, InSight, dumb circle things and all, was spotted just roving around the surface of Mars, claiming to be on the hunt for “internal heat.” Meanwhile, Curiosity proved it was still young and full of pep Monday when it mercilessly zeroed in on a shiny, unidentified object, discovering it for all mankind. The object, which has been described as a “mysterious, lustrous lump,” might be either a meteorite or some type of native mars rock.

NASA has already announced that they hope this shiny object may provide some insight into the presence of life of Mars, so it’s safe to say that Curiosity is banging hard. InSight, on the other hand, has been proving itself more incompetent by the day. InSight reportedly spends its time digging holes of completely arbitrary size and spacing, in hopes of “understanding the formation of the planet.”

Things are looking pretty grim for this newcomer, but experts are hoping to see it pull through for the 2019 season.

Rutgers Entertainment Weekly