I’m a nice guy, why don’t girls like me?

BY SCOTTY TAYP

568712376_Conrad20Alverson_White20maletall_answer_1_xlargeHere’s the thing: I’m a nice guy; why don’t girls like me? I’m a real catch you know, and yet girls don’t seem to recognize this.

A few weeks ago I took this one girl out, and I was the ultimate gentleman. I even told her how nice she looked since she started waxing her mustache.

Another time, I told this girl that she was wearing too much makeup and informed her that we nice guys think wearing too much makes you look like a whore.

Instead of thanking me, she told me to go fuck myself, which I didn’t understand because I was just giving her some much needed advice.

But hey, if she wants to walk around looking like a whore, then fine, I don’t care. Clearly she was just a fucking bitch anyway.

I just don’t understand why girls ignore the genuinely nice and caring guys– like me– and go for the jerks.

I have done so many nice things for the girls that I meet. I take them out to expensive dinners and pay for everything. I buy them lots of really nice gifts. Hell, I have even taken care of girls who were completely wasted, and instead of taking advantage of them like any other guy would, I took them home. Don’t I get brownie points for that?
I never get anything in return. Sure I get a thank you, but how about letting me get to second base? I mean, isn’t that the least a girl could do for a good guy?

If I stop myself from sleeping with you when you’re drunk, the least you can do is offer yourself to me when you’re sober. It’s only fair.

Even after all I do and have done, I still don’t have a girlfriend. Maybe it’s because women are ungrateful bitches who don’t know a good thing when they see it.
Anyway, if any girl out there is interested in going out with me, just email me at niceguysfinishlast@gmail.com. I love all women so anyone is welcome to hit me up.

Unless you’re slutty, nice guys hate sluts.

Jordan Spieth wishes girls cared more about his Personality

BY Rebellious John Clayton

"Let's talk feelings"    Spieth fakes a smile with his tri-delt girlfriend. Apparently, she doesn't even know his major.
“Let’s talk feelings”
Spieth fakes a smile with his tri-delt girlfriend. Apparently, she doesn’t even know his major.

DALLAS— Jordan Spieth catapulted himself from a bright prospect as a twenty-year-old pro to Master’s champion in the span of one year. His score of 18 under par at Augusta National ties the Master’s Record for the best score ever and solidifies his climb to number two in the world golf rankings.

As a college student at The University of Texas, Spieth has risen from an unknown member of the golf team to local hero and finally to a full-blown celebrity. In a college atmosphere filled with attractive young women, it seems obvious that Spieth would be flourishing socially and romantically. What is not obvious is the fact that Spieth is disappointed that so many beautiful young women are constantly trying to have sex with him without first striking a conversation.

“Yeah man, it’s demeaning honestly,” a visibly exhausted Spieth told a reporter after winning The 57th Masters. “I mean, all I want is for a girl to love me for my personality, not my good looks, great family pedigree, millions of dollars, or highly-marketable golf career. Is that so much to ask?”

“Fuck that dude!” frustrated Texas Junior Josh Markovnikov told reporters. “Plenty of girls like me for my personality; that’s called the friendzone. I’d kill to be in his position.”

Before Spieth could finish his sentence, several outrageously attractive, scantily clad women jumped on top of him. Spieth rolled over to dodge them, sighed, dusted off his Green Jacket, and walked away solemnly marketable golf career. Is that so much to ask?”

“Fuck that dude!” frustrated Texas Junior Josh Markovnikov told reporters. “Plenty of girls like me for my personality; that’s called the friendzone. I’d kill to be in his position.”
Before Spieth could finish his sentence, several outrageously attractive, scantily clad women jumped on top of him. Spieth rolled over to dodge them, sighed, dusted off his Green Jacket, and walked away solemnly.

Rutgers Track Team, seeking to end racism, launches new campaign

BY Shreg Giano

"white chocolate? why not dark chocolate!? you bigot!"                                                               #RaceTogether is already picking up steam even before its official unveiling, gaining monetary support from corporate sponsors such as Starbucks. One can only assume Starbucks is in it to break racial barriers and not to gain minority customers or get positive media attention. Of course.
“white chocolate? why not dark chocolate!? you bigot!” #RaceTogether is already picking up steam even before its official unveiling, gaining monetary support from corporate sponsors such as Starbucks. One can only assume Starbucks is in it to break racial barriers and not to gain minority customers or get positive media attention. Of course.

PISCATAWAY— Rutgers Men’s and Women’s track teams are launching a new campaign that they will begin implementing immediately. The campaign, given the name #RaceTogether, involves pairing a runner of any racial background with a partner that is of African-American descent. The goal of the program is more or less to facilitate conversations about race between the partners.

“This campaign is going to catalyze the breakdown of racial barriers and bring together our student-athletes in ways that never before seemed possible. Our boys and girls will hugely benefit from participating in #RaceTogether,” assistant Men’s track coach Mark Harris expressed to reporters. “We have to get comfortable addressing that racism still exists in our world before we can change it and we hope that this is the first of many steps in doing so.”

“Are you guys fucking brainless?” Men’s 100M sprinter Isaiah Jones asked of members of the media. “This campaign has nothing to do with facilitating discussion about racial equality. This has one major purpose: to pair slow-ass white people with fast black people who push them to run faster. That’s it. They’re not helping us discuss the past oppression of our people or the modern day issues facing African-Americans. In fact, they’re using us for their own gains and trying desperately and pathetically to garner positive media attention. Please, God, don’t give them any credit for this!”

Women’s distance runner Samantha Springer echoed the sentiments of Jones, questioning “how anyone could possibly focus on a thoughtful conversation about racial inequality, one of the biggest problems facing the world, while running furiously? Maybe, like, discussing it over a cup of coffee would be better? Yeah, I think that could work.”

“There will always be doubters,” athletic director Julie Hermann proclaimed at her press conference, “but if we have an opportunity to help get the conversation going on racism while also making white people run faster, it’s a win-win if you ask me.”

Watch out for the Targum’s EIC

BY BOBBY DYLAN

unnamedIf there needs to be something you all should be warned about, it is the Daily Targum. Not the paper itself, but the people there. Currently, I am on the run from Targum’s personnel and so I write this hastily, but I must let the word out. I must let the community of Rutgers University know about the danger that currently resides within the walls of 26 Mine Street.

It started off with me joining the Daily Targum early this semester. I was a journalism major and I figured that I could get some nice experience. At first it all seemed to go well, that is until the new editorial board came in. Board 147, the one filled with the most sinister and secrecy of all, is becoming too powerful, too dangerous.

I remember even from election night that there was something adrift. All the veteran members of the Targum seemed nervous and afraid, as if they already knew what was to come. And the source of all this tension was a girl, no taller than five feet. Tanned skin and overall tiny, this being drew all the wary eyes in the room as she moved forward to take the center as she readied to perform her speech for the EIC position.

As I tried to ask someone next to me what was wrong, he refused to answer and just darted me a glare before giving his full attention to her. Someone in the background asked her with a meek voice to give her speech. The woman then replied with an emotionless tone, “Vote for me.” Standing there to see if anyone would even dare to doubt her, she would remain there for the rest of the night. Coincidentally, no one would run against her and she won the position with just those three words.

In the upcoming weeks, I soon found out hints to finding who she truly was. While none of the returning members would give me a solid answer, I could gather there was something different about her, something inhumane. Some rumors began going around that she had been implemented by the Board of Trustees after last year’s fiasco with members resigning and letting out confidential information. They needed someone who could control the Targum, someone who they themselves could completely control.
It was only till just the night before I began to flee that I learned about the origins of the new EIC was. I cannot say understood, because what “she” is, is not absolutely not human. I came into the office late one night in order to finish up an article on some new rare moss, when I saw her step out of my office. In fact this was the first time I could recall her leaving the office. As she walked over to one of the editors, my curiosity got the best of me and I hid behind a cubicle, while she commanded in dead-tone, “Come into my office.” Though reluctant, the editor quietly followed behind her and shuffled around. Once the door was shut, while I cannot verify exactly what did occur inside, I could hear a revving, like that of a chainsaw, followed by painful shrieks echoed throughout the Targum office. Horrified, I started to head for the door, running as fast I could. However, as I was leaving the building, the EIC’s office opened up once more, and I could feel her eyes burning into the back of my skull.

Rushing back home, I received a phone call from an unknown number. Nervously I picked up the call, and after some terrifying moments of silence, I heard her voice. Her cold, mechanical voice that brought all to chills. “My office. Now.”

Poor Reception at RAC Leaves Sorority Girls Helpless

BY Eaton Jejez

PISCATAWAY – The Rutgers University 2015 Dance Marathon was a huge success for the Embrace Kids Foundation, but for some, it left them wanting more. Many dancers complained about the poor cellular signal in the Rutgers Athletic Center.
“Ugh, I had to walk upstairs EVERY TIME I wanted to send a Snapchat” said Roxane Hasson of Delta Sigma Lambda. “It was SO annoying, scrolling down to refresh every time and it not loading,” said the DSL sister. Hasson was also unable to contact her boyfriend, Saul O’Day of Sigma Epsilon Xi, and feared “he was talking to girls in uncool sororities.”

The Louis Brown Athletic Center is said to be one of the loudest stadiums in college sports due to the acoustics of it’s trapezoidal shape. A consequence of this design is that cellular signals tend to bounce around and resonate, rather than leave the building and seek nearby cell towers.

In addition to having poor data service, others like Alina Sarasen of Pi Mu Sigma couldn’t even send text messages. “Right when we got there I lost track of my little. I think she went to go talk to some guy, and I tried to text her but it wouldn’t go through. I tried calling my big for advice but she wouldn’t pick up, so I had to go to the computers and email my g-big at the office. It was such a hassle.” Becky Chan, also of Pi Mu Sigma, lamented the Office of Information Technology’s poor handling of the situation. “I took this sick video at Club DM right as the bass dropped and was going to Instagram it but I had no service.” A staff member told her to try using RU Wireless.

“When I closed the app and logged on to the wifi, the video got deleted and they weren’t playing the song anymore. It was legit terrible.” The DJ gave no comment when asked to re-play Marvin Garrix’s “Animals.”

Spring football preview: the top starting Quarterback prospects for the 2015 season

1. Chas Dodd
Ol’ Mr. Reliable himself, Chas Dodd, is the top pick to get the start at QB next year. Sure, he graduated and is no longer eligible. But Dodd is the type of player who can overcome turmoil and get you decent results. Plus, what the hell else is that dude doing? Hand him a beer, a helmet, and a football and he is good to go.

2. Chris Laviano
The red-shirt sophomore led the only touchdown drives of the day in the lastest intrasquad scrimmage. This is probably a good thing, since scoring points is kinda the point for offenses. But I’m not sold yet.

3. Hayden Rettig
Rettig, the former 4 star recruit and LSU Tiger, could end up as the latest blue-chip prospect to join the Scarlet Knights and seduce the fan base with his talent before blossoming into a tremendous bust.

4. Giovanni Rescigno
Rescigno is an Italian player who meant to sign up for the soccer team but accidentally signed up to play “football americano,” making him a longshot to win the starting job this Spring.

How to Basic: MICROWAVE DINNERS

MICROWAVE DINNERS

Microwave dinners big hard. No how do microwave dinner. Why no easy? Killing and eating bear in cold times easier than making microwave dinner. How can even be? I no know, but today I make big hard easy small with twelve baby step. Listen good or I kill you like bear.

1. Remove from box
2. Carefully remove plastic from meat, potatoes and brownie.
3. Cut slit in vegetables
4. Microwave for 4 minutes.
6. Remove brownie
7. Stir potatoes
8. Rearrange meat
9. Microwave for 3 1/2 minutes
10. Remove from microwave.
11. Stir potatoes.
12. If potatoes are not hot, place on a seperate dish and microwave an additional 30 seconds.

Now can eat dinner. You now big strong, can make dinner easy. Next week we make macaroni and cheese easy time. No like cheesey powder, but cheesey powder make taste good. I no understand, but me figure out for you.

Rutgers Entertainment Weekly

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