Tensions are high at Rutgers University, as students come off of a strike and begin preparing for finals. Days are getting longer and warmer, the semester is nearing an end, and during this transitional period, many are left looking for a sense of belonging. Many campus organizations and extra curricular activities provide students with community, an important key to thriving in a college environment. To truly belong though, is something that chess club cannot provide.
A charismatic figure began popping up around fields at night and crossroads at dusk on campus this past week. He claims his name is Ronald Burz, and he’s been spotted out and about, offering students access to their wildest dreams in exchange for their souls. Ronald Burz is a faculty member in the Philosophy department, and when he’s not begging for souls, he’s teaching courses on “The Obsidian Gate,” “The Word of Lord Zarnub,” and “The Post-Modern Devil: An Incarnation.” Burz is slithery, slimy, shiny, and ready to usher Rutgers University into a new era: the era of The Devil.
When asked about his plans for Rutgers, Burz claimed that he has hated his time at Rutgers University so much that he has put in his two weeks and is “going back to Hell.” With the entrance of the Devil has come an interesting aura and the ambient sound of fiddles at and around bus stops. With many students having sold their souls at Rutgers crossroads, there has been an upsurge in dancing to the sounds of fiddles, and skyrocketing approval ratings of demonic activities, ghouls, and goblins. One student stated, “I sold my soul for $50 in RU Express. If Ronald Burz is the Devil, then the Devil is caring, cool, freaking awesome, hilarious, charming, and also kinda sexy! Oooooo!”
As a journalist, I saw an opportunity to understand the minds of the students who have been interacting with the devil, so I too sold my soul. I sold my soul for six bars of gold, and I sure did get my gold bars. I also feel incredibly cold, and I’ve been hearing voices. The voices beckon me towards the obsidian gate. They ask me to serve Lord Zarnub. The voices are beautiful. I will follow them to the ends of the earth and far, far down below. Signing off, this is Lexa Preaux.