The Border Event That is Very Much Not a Crisis

By Cin Drariug

Joe Biden likes people. He likes chocolate chip ice cream and puppies and rainbows. Joe Biden is compassionate. Joe Biden is a person of the people and for the people. He is an angel for the masses, the hero that the American people do not deserve. Some speculate that he might be the second coming of the messiah but The Medium has not received any comments from Heaven about this claim. 

Perhaps the biggest reason why Joe Biden has recently been voted as being the top choice to have his face “sat upon” is because of the contrast from the previous president. Donald Trump’s disastrous border policy was, disastrous. Donald Trump personally ripped children out of their parents’ hands because he got a kick out of it. Donald Trump’s face has too much spray tan to be sat on safely. But now that Joe Biden is president he has finally managed to restore the pride to our democracy.

 And one way he did that is by reuniting a grand total of zero migrant families. Man, Trump will be so pissed when he finds out that those kids are back together with their parents. Wait. What? No. He didn’t reunite any families? Not even one?  (Source)

Shit. 

Ok. At least Biden raised the number of refugees allowed in the US from their historic lows created by Trump to the 125,000 he promised on the campaign trail. After swift action by the Biden team, currently, at this moment, 15,000 refugees are allowed! Yay! 

Wait, isn’t that the same number that the Trump administration had? Shit, shit, shit.

Wait no, after political pressure, Biden’s press secretary said that they’ll set a final cap of refugees on May 15th, to a maximum of 62,500! That’s exactly half the victory this country needed. 

However, the worst part of the Trump Administration was the border wall. It was racist and corrupt and hurt American Businesses and I’m glad that Joe Biden stopped it. 

The government did just seize some land for the “Mexico Border Wall” from one Baudilia Cavazos, but I’m sure that it had nothing to do with Trump’s wall. (Source)

Fuck it. Fuck you, Joe. Fuck you, Kamala. Fuck you, Trump, for making the bar so low that any changes mean you’re better. President Holloway please sit on my face.

Chadwick Boseman Snubbed at Oscars, Heath Ledger Wins Instead

By Harry Nuttsaac

Going into the Academy Award Ceremony this past Sunday night, everyone expected the late Chadwick Boseman to posthumously win the Oscar for Best Actor. Boseman, who passed last summer due to colon cancer, something he had kept largely hidden from the public, was most famous for playing important and consequential figures like Jackie Robinson in 42 and T’challa aka the Black Panther in the Marvel film by the same name. A man who was considered a legendary idol to many and whose career was helped along by great actors like Denzel Washington was taken much too soon, but he left us with humility and grace. 

It was with great anticipation that the world expected to see Boseman take home a posthumous Oscar for his performance in Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom. While many considered these expectations to be entirely fan-driven, a whirlwind of bittersweet emotions, the Academy Awards themselves reinforced these theories by breaking traditions regarding the order in which awards were handed out. Rather than presenting Best Picture last, this category was switched with Best Actor in a move that many took as solidifying Boseman’s win. It was to everyone’s surprise, then, that the late Heath Ledger won the Best Actor Oscar for The Brothers Grimm.

Many have harbored ill-will toward the Academy Awards because of how they have snubbed fan-favorite actors, directors, and movies in the past, alongside concerns with ignoring diverse creators. Having Ledger win Best Actor for a movie that (1) came out in 2005, (2) received no nominations, and (3) sucked ass was the last nail in the coffin for many viewers. #CanceltheOscars was trending across social media platforms alongside #FuckHeathLedger. This misdirected rage toward Ledger himself has led some people to hunker down in their defense of the Oscars even more so, with #FuckChadwick and #BlackPantherSucked also trending. The Academy Awards themselves put out a statement on the issue, saying, “While the Academy Board of Voters seems to have differed in opinion from the general fan base, we believe that they have made the right decision. We firmly believe that Oscars should go to any white guy, no matter how dead, rather than any Black guy.”

Ass-trology: Date Night Alternatives to Wine and Cheese

By Harry Nuttsaac

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): tequila and saltines. An Aries would love nothing more than to compete with their partner to see who could down the most shots and eat the most saltines.

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): scotch and a handful of chocolate chips. You can always trust on scotch to be a kick to the head and chocolate chips to be the perfect sweet treat.

Gemini (May 21-Jun 20): vodka and movie theater popcorn. They let you slip into the theater with that bottle of water, not knowing you’re gonna get shitfaced to Mortal Kombat.

Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22): gin and garlic. Just like this pairing, you fucking suck, but at least you won’t have a hangover and no one will be able to smell that gin on your breath.

Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22): rum and ghost peppers. A nice, fiery date night that’ll get all the juices flowing, but mostly the tears.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): margaritas and a melatonin gummy. It’s safe and boring, making sure that you’re in bed by ten because you’re a fucking baby.

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22): a manhattan and caviar. Ooh, bigshot libra, wants to be the fancy guy, huh? Fuck you!

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): your partner’s cum and shit. Capricorns kick it all the way up to 10, you kick it to 12 with something that is still a very loving gesture.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): a fishbowl and a pack of Chips Ahoy. You’re fun and wanna make sure there’s enough to go around. What’ll start as a date will turn into a whole bar party.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): absinthe and a brick. You go hard but are also a fucking freak of nature. God help anyone you drag down that rabbit hole.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): magic mushroom cocktails and dirt. You and your loved one will be halfway through that pile of dirt and realize that it’s not actually chocolate cake (now it’s turned into trail mix, which is just as delicious).

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): hot chocolate and pop tarts. You’re wise enough to know that pop tarts should only be enjoyed as a dessert, but a big enough manchild to drink hot chocolate with it.

How to Recover From Chronic Disrespect if You are Chance the Rapper

By Chill Dude

If your name is Chance the Rapper, you are likely being clowned on every single time your name is mentioned due to the flop of your debut album The Big Day. 

Let me be perfectly clear: I am not here to rip on Chance and his astonishingly bad debut album. Despite the millions of interactions this article would receive by degrading Chance the Rapper and his embarrassment of an album, I will not be doing that. I would receive billions of comments in support of my work, such as “LMAO facts that shit was ass hahahahahah.” Yet, that does not matter to me. It simply does not matter to me that Chance the Rapper released one of the worst debut albums of all time and that I would generate enormous profits for this newspaper if I wrote an article bullying Chance the Rapper almost two years after the release of remarkably horrendous debut album which was highly anticipated but then flopped astronomically. No. I am not here to do that. I am here to heroically outline how Chance the Rapper can bounce back from this minor setback.

There are two options Chance has to revive his career: clown Lil Pump or fight Jake Paul. Lil Pump has endured much of the same public discourse as Chance. At first, everyone loved Lil Pump. We all thought, “haha, this guy’s pretty funny.” Now, we all hate Lil Pump. The reason? Well, he kept doing the exact same thing he was doing, which we all decided we no longer like. Chance needs to hop in on the hate to divert attention off him. 

Fighting Jake Paul will do absolutely nothing for Chance’s public image. He will get knocked out and will be the subject of many jokes. But he will make millions of dollars.

What to Wear at Your First Post-Vaccine Kickback

By Chill Dude

It’s Memorial Day weekend. All the homies’ moms found a way to cheat the system and get them a vaccine. Now, the squad congregates for some canned bevs. The vibes will be pristine, and the fits will be off the chain. Here is what you can wear to stand out when the whole crew is pulling up with heat.

Yankee all brim – Yankee all brim.

Nike Off-White tuxedo t-shirt – Casual, formal, and swag all at the same time. Virgil snapped with this one.

Cargo shorts – Practical and stylish at the same time. Store a pack of bogues in their expansive pockets. Then, when one of the homies says, “Man, I wish we had some Marlboro Golds to puff on right now,” you reply with “Pussy” and take out a pack of Marlboro Reds and toss them to a different homie. Then say, “I’m just playing bro, you got a refined palate and I respect that.” Then pull out a pack of golds from the other pocket and give those bad boys a toss.

Nike Elite socks – Whole crew is gonna be rocking different colors. Ready to hoop at a moment’s notice.

Stewie Griffin slippers – Comfort. Edgy. You simply can’t go wrong.

Writing is for Virgins

By: Penn A. Trayshun

Fuck writing! Who the hell in their goddamn mind wants to do this shit? My name is Penn A. Trayshun and I’ve got 30 bodies. Also about half as many STD’s. I wear a lot of cologne so you can’t smell my oozing pustules. They’re breeding grounds for all the crabs that live on the surface of my dermis! Anyway, I’m here to say that writing is for virgins. Like, who the fuck can take it upon themselves to be an editor of a paper? And one that publishes each week no less?! That’s some fucked shit. When I look at a blank piece of paper, all I want to do is distract myself with my hobbies, like chatting up girls or cooking steak or milking my cat, you know, the usual. I used to be able to write back in 2006 before I lost my virginity to my babysitter. I stopped being a virgin and entered the world of the Chad, and Hell, I’m never leaving it. That’s how I know that every writer for the Daily Targum has never whipped out their genitalia except to take a piss or sail the red sea once a month. There’s some other paper called The Medium or something, but they haven’t put out a physical copy of their paper for a year or something. They must be drowning in sexual partners. Apparently, kinks are genetic as well. Whoever those people are, they must be absolute legends.

I Want My Boyfriend to Fill Me with His Hot, Sticky ‘Vaccine’

By Pike Mence

I’m not gonna mince words, I’m a Republican (some might even say I’m kind of a big deal in the party). As a Republican, I have a duty to my party to not get that microchip-riddled vaccine, ever! However, every time I’m with my boyfriend, I want nothing more than for him to stick me with his needle, real hard and deep, and pump me full of that ooey-gooey vaccine. Ooh, he is such a fucking stud, I even let him piss in my mouth (it doesn’t really taste that bad). I feel so conflicted on so many different levels about all of this, especially since I’ve heard that getting vaccinated could make me gay.

As a good Christian boy, I absolutely DO NOT wanna be gay. Everyone knows it’s not gay if you’re a man with a boyfriend who pisses in your mouth and cums in your ass, right? Slobbin’ on that knob is so appealing to me, even if I don’t like some parts of the relationship, like watching “MONTERO” on repeat for two hours while we do the do. I’m curious about if the vaccine can actually be transmitted through cum, though, since my boyfriend is a limp-dick libtard (the limp dick part is not-so-accurate in his case 😜). I know, I know, but most Republicans have two-millimeter peters and I need a good, strong dick in my life. Anyway, the only vaccine I’m getting is the one he’s shooting up my butt.

Rutgers Entertainment Weekly