Rutgers PD to Begin Stationing K9s at Bus Stops

By: Michael C. Hawke

With the majority of the Rutgers student body returning from a year-long stretch at home due to the COVID-19 pandemic, it has become clear that, as a result, traditional etiquette has been lost in some areas, particularly public transportation. With complaints rising about students standing in front of bus doors whenever they stop, the Rutgers University administration and police department have reported that they will be taking a radical course of action. Starting on October 15th, 2021, the Rutgers Police Department will begin stationing K9 units at bus stops to, as quoted by Chief Kenneth Cop, “Maintain the safety and health of our students.”

Once the date reaches October 15th, students should expect to see officers with attack dogs lingering around every stop, prepared to enforce order and break up crowding around any buses. Many of these dogs in question will be hailing from police departments that have recently downsized their respective K9 units. In the meantime, the college is merely dipping its toe into the policy by having only a couple of K9 units rotating around various stops around the campus, giving students a peek into what this new policy may look like.

As a result of this experiment, there’s already been much controversy among Rutgers bus riders. Some, like senior Joe ‘Mama’ Martinez, support the new measures, having this to say: “Yeah man, when you got these idiots just standing in front of the bus, blocking your way and shit, it gets real fucking annoying after the tenth time. Thank God we got these dogs hanging at these bus stops, man. This one fucking mutt, big fuckin’ thing too, just began ripping up a bunch of these students the moment they began gathering. It was a really beautiful thing to see, man, you should’ve been there.”

Meanwhile, one student, who wishes to remain anonymous, complained about the matter, saying, “Do you realize just how hard it is to get a seat in those buses, especially when they get packed? I’m just saying, I shouldn’t get my ears bitten off just because I’m trying my best to snag a seat before everyone else!”  Overall, though, opinions on the new policy have proven to be surprisingly responsive. According to a survey conducted by The Medium, approval for the policy is rated at 69%.

‘I Support. I Prevent. I Speak.’ – And We Call Bullshit

By: Common Centsman

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ – In a year when 20 percent of Rutgers University’s undergraduate women admitted in a survey that they had experienced unwanted sexual contact, the school announced its “The Revolution Starts Here: End Sexual Violence Now” campaign to combat that problem. That was in 2015, and this week you can find many posters, buses, and postcards around campus spreading that message.

If you were hoping this space would be wasted on more comic relief from the world in which we live, buckle up, because this shit needs saying.

Now, the Office for Violence Prevention and Victim Assistance (VPVA) at Rutgers maintains that nationally 1 in 5 women will be victims of sexual assault in their lifetime. Congrats, 2015 Rutgers, you provided the environment for that quota before most considered themselves to have even started ‘adulting.’ 1 in 33 men will also experience sexual assault according to VPVA, but that leaves women nearly 7 times more likely to be targeted with up to 85 percent of victims personally knowing their perpetrators.

With a motto like “I Support. I Prevent. I Speak.,” we proudly stand behind all notions and intent in the Rutgers campaign to end sexual violence, but how is it exactly that this campaign helps us to “Prevent?” Naming departments like the RUPD, Title IX, CAPS, and the Rutgers Health Services, most resources provided in the campaign are reactive. These certainly cover the “Support” and “Speak” elements of the campaign, and for that we’re grateful. It’s grimly ineffective, though, as Rutgers themselves maintain that as little as 5 percent of sexual assaults on college campuses are reported. In the statistic that opened this article, only 28 percent of students actually responded to that survey.

Legally, Rutgers must provide a public report on its university crime statistics every year. The official school newspaper, The Daily Targum, reported that 2018 saw a drop in sexual and domestic violence cases at the main, New Brunswick campus. That may be so, but in 2019, these offenses roared back with 25 cases of rape, 12 cases of unwanted fondling, 61 cases of domestic violence, and 6 cases of stalking reported. That is a 67 percent increase in rape cases, double the amount of unwanted fondling, a 25 percent increase in domestic violence, and a 20 percent increase in stalking incidents at New Brunswick alone. And this is just the few of each offense that were reported to the university.

So, what are we to do, Rutgers? What can we do to stop sexual violence? Rutgers’ VPVA encourages bystander intervention, but what are we doing to teach ourselves better? Why do we have to wait until some heinous thing is about to happen or is in progress? What more can we do for ourselves?

This article is not satire. These are real facts and statistics. The Medium was deemed the best medium for this writing because where else would Rutgers let it slide?

Ass-trology: My Favorite Things About Fall Based on Your Zodiac

By: PP Harding

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): Sweatshirts

Thank God for sweatshirts to cover my overly-sexy bod from all these men. I have had to swat them away with a whiffle bat for so many warm months. Freedom, at last…

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): Mansplaining

I don’t have to explain this to you, but I will because I know more about this than you. You’re not wrong but I’m just more right.

Gemini (May 21-Jun 20): Pumpkin and Apple-Flavored Everything

We here at The Medium have mixed opinions about pumpkin and apple flavorings but FUCK those guys. This is my article, eat my puss (in a bad way) while I gobble down some pumpkin Pop’ems

Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22): A Cool, Brisk Wind

Nothing makes my titties do a little dance, make a little love, and get down tonight like a swift breeze through my bones

Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22): Police Brutality

Leo, so fiery and self-assured, you are a horrific example of our crumbling justice system. That is SO you.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): My Friend’s Roommate that I’m Going to Fuck

I would die for this sexy slice of hunky roommate pie, who happens to be a Virgo.

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22): The Wage Gap 

Nothing beats a good wage gap based on nothing but the societal pressures women face every day of their entire existence. God bless the patriarchy.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): Halloween

A day just for me to celebrate being sacrilegious and also a whore? Yes, please. 

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): People Who Cummed and Shidded

Thank you for your service.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): Soup

I can only have soup when it’s cold. I can’t have hot in the hot, maybe cold in the cold, but definitely hot in the cold.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): That Guy in the Livingston Dining Hall Who Ate an Entire Plate of Just Tomatoes

I have scheduled a meeting with CAPS and in 4-5 months when I get an appointment, I am going to talk about only you.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): Fuck you

Fuck you, Pisces. The fall is my time.

My Favorite Celebrities Who Have Both Shidded and Cummed

By Harry Nuttsaac

We all have our own favorite celebrities, and we all have our own favorite celebrities who have either shidded or cummed. However, I doubt anyone has ever put together a list of their favorite celebrities who have both shidded AND cummed, so here we go.

Marlon Brando: this dude slept around: guys, gals, you know he do be cumming! Back then, Hollywood was full of sexual perverts (not the kind like James Gunn or Mike Tyson), so he more likely than not was shidding with some people, too. 

Zsa Zsa Gábor: one of the greatest sex icons of the late-twentieth century, so she did her fair share of cumming. Plus, she was Hungarian, which is almost German, and those Germans are way too into their shidding, so you put two and two together.

Jimmy Carter: ah, the founder of nut butter, nutting is his job. It’s said that when he found out that the American embassy in Iran was taken hostage, he shidded himself.

Meryl Streep: alright, so this bitch turned Colin Firth, Ian McKellan, Elton John, and Anderson Cooper gay with her pussy, so this bitch is cumming all over the place. I’m pretty sure that in some movie of hers I saw her shidding.

Stan Lee: this guy wrote about a teen who shoots sticky white goo out as a super power, pretty sure he was cooming it up with the big dogs. Also, he probably shidded when he died.

I realized afterward that this list is exclusively old people, so I think this says something about our society, namely that millennials killed the shidding and cumming industry.

Proposal – I Should be the Bus Driver

By Faque Name

I have the solution to a problem that has been plaguing Rutgers ever since students returned to campus. That problem is when the bus driver of the Rutgers bus system will leave the bus running to smoke, eat snacks, or go to the bathroom. That is perfectly fine for the bus drivers but students have places to be. So, I suggest a new policy.  A policy that would state that if the bus driver leaves their post for more than 90 seconds, then any student on the bus can take on the responsibilities of the bus driver. I understand that some students would not want to accept the privilege of being the bus driver. I personally am ready to hop onto the big seat in front of the white line and take my fellow students where they need to go. 

This proposal for a new policy is just a complicated way of saying that I would like to be the bus driver. It is an urge I must fight every day when I see the drivers leave their seats. It takes my utmost discipline to not run into the empty seat, put that big metal beauty in drive, and go onto my journey as bus driver. If I am allowed to achieve my dream of being the bus driver, I promise to be the best driver that New Brunswick has ever seen. I plan to do this by putting the pedal to the metal. My minimum speed will be 69 mph. My next part of being the best bus driver is bringing a new perspective to traffic laws; all stop lights are suggestions and the bus always has the right of way. I also plan to bring a new way to how the buses interact with pedestrians; mainly a policy I have dubbed “Get the Fuck out of my way” policy.

I Also Want to Fuck My Friend’s Friend’s Roommate

By Kira Amethyst

Let me preface this by saying that I consider myself a morally grounded, logical person. That being said, however, I would also like to ride PP Harding’s friend’s roommate until my legs have atrophied, and still not get off. And I blame PP Harding’s friend for putting me in this position (pun absolutely intended). 

I walked into The Medium’s Wednesday pitch meeting prepared to announce my arrival with a rousing “Hi besties!” except I ended up nearly gagging on my own bodily fluids at the sight of this Metropolitan Museum of Art-worthy hunk of a man wearing blue business casual and meeting my virgin eyes. Overcome with a sudden surge of lust, I choked out a “hi guys” and went to take a seat, only to find that the closest seat to the rest of our esteemed writers was next to this man. So, I respectfully kept one chair between us, sat down, and attempted to hide the rapidly growing stains from my leaking bussy.

Now, he says he’s a heterosexual man. And I believe that that’s what he believes. But I know better, for, you see, every man who shows up to a Medium meeting is at least a little homosexual. This is an empirically proven fact. So, PP Harding’s friend’s roommate, I know you’re reading this, and I know you remember me, and I know there is a part of you, forced deep down, that wants to bend me over the Board Room desk. And I consent.

There Need to be More Female Serial Killers

By Leslie Gore

Ladies, we need to be doing more out here. You ask someone to name serial killers and they’ll come at you with Ted Bundy, John Wayne Gacy, Jeffrey Dahmer, Ted Cruz, maybe even the Unabomber. Even the most popular fictional serial killer is Hannibal Lecter. Where the fuck are all the women? Aileen Wuornos, Kristen Gilbert, Pamela Voorhees, these should be household names, people! The very clear sexism present in serial killer culture needs to change right now! I’m sick and tired of men dominating every field there is, and while things are slowly changing for women, murder has continued to be a male-centered passion. Let’s shatter this glass ceiling once and for all!

In 2010, it was found that only 10% of all known serial killers were women. Ten percent! This is unacceptable! When women have a lower chance of becoming serial killers than the doctor who stitches up the victim, our society is backward. When women can become CEOs but can’t make it onto the FBI’s most-wanted list, when women can become a mechanic but can’t commit vehicular murder, when women can be engineers but can’t engineer Saw-level traps of murder, our society is truly broken. I know Wikipedia says you can help expand the list of female serial killers and I agree, let’s work together to have more women kill people! But only if they’re men, women are preyed on enough as it is.

How to Patch a Drywall

By Cin Drariug

So, you’ve been home “alone” and you made a small hole in your drywall. No biggie, this small hurdle won’t be the thing that brings you down! Here is how to fix a medium-to-small drywall hole:

  1. Fill the dent with a lightweight spackle using your gloved finger(don’t want to leave anything behind) or the knife you have laying around.
  2. Make sure the spackle completely fills the dent and is level with the undamaged wall.
  3. Allow the spackle to dry for 15 to 30 minutes – treat yourself! Your wife won’t be coming home anytime soon, might as well enjoy the quiet while you can.
  4. Once dry, use a fine-grit sandpaper to sand the area smooth.
  5. Brush away any debris and touch up the paint, make sure to use a dark color to cover any “paint” spills in the surrounding area.

Tip: Make sure you use painters plastic before and after you need to fix this drywall “problem.”

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