By Bradley “Brad” Tanner, Alleged Streetwise Self Help Correspondent
(Sup fuckers. In light of recent events, I will now be responding to your questions and placing my psychobabble drivel into a vomitous text wall format for the time being. Enjoy. Or don’t.)
The world is hard right now, and I think it’s important to focus on the good things in life. So I’ve come here to confidently announce that my mother is NOT a class traitor.
(Based. Mine’s STILL clamoring to speak to a manager.)
Why do all professors call on me to discuss during online class? We are not in the real world anymore, leave me alone!
(Was the rug ever real if it could be pulled out from under you this quick? Also, how dare you underestimate the importance of dead author analysis in the real world, you fucking fucker?)
How to believably tell a classmate that their spoken word coronavirus rap documentary is good actually?
(Real eyes realize real lies as 45 vaccine denies, while promoting mass Lysol suicide, as you make good documentaries and bake your quarantine Key Lime pie. That good enough?)
How are these trying times when I’ve lost all motivation or hope to try anymore?
(Right there with ya pal. Someone’s gotta try and eat shit at those job applications though, no?)
Are these times trying, uncertain, troubling, unprecedented, or challenging? MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND MARKETERS!
(I agree that it’s pretty fucked up and disgusting that corporations are trying to capitalize off a global pandemic killing tens, possibly hundreds of thousands of people, but how the hell are you supposed to navigate a mass pile of bodies without guidance as robust as Search Engine Optimization?)
Is it possible that playing Bowser’s Inside Story growing up is the reason I have fetishes for inflation, soft vore, insertion, crushing, and size play?
(Depends. What kind of insides is this story delving into?)
As a stand-up comic, I’m terrified of the repercussions this pandemic will have on my career aspirations. How am I supposed to stalk and find a 17 year old GF in the park, like my hero Jerry Seinfeld?
(You can still take online comedy classes in these trying, uncertain times. Go to fbi.gov for true enlightenment!)
How do I make a bleach enema?
(Well, nothing’s technically stopping you for cramming a bag full of Lysol and cramming said bag up your ass, but for the sake of our publication’s legal council, or lack thereof, we’d greatly prefer that you not.)
How do I make a Bleach enema, like the anime?
(Just grow that fucking shit out from your hole to your taint, till it forms a really nice emo cut, and unless you’re Irish and predisposed to it, dye said shit a nice Ichigo ginger. It’s quarantine, so nobody will be around to judge. If it doesn’t grow out naturally, there’s no shame in wearing plugs.)
Best detergent for my quarantini?
(You have to get brand-name Tide. The purest and goodest of shit. Don’t actually though. Our lawyer already has enough on his plate.)
Why didn’t Jim Jones inject the poison instead of mixing it in Kool Aid? Dumbass.
(Shame what happened there. If only he listened to the medical wisdom of a senile game show host instead of accredited toxicology.)
Shit, the police don’t believe my churches’ Clorox shot mass suicide service was a sarcastic social experiment gone wrong. What can I do to convince them?
(I’m afraid it’s a little late for that. On the bright side, you’re closer than ever to making that dream Austin Jones collab vlog a reality.)
Kim Jong (G)Un(E?)
That Supreme Juche guy? Seems like a real DOUCHE.
(Chill Bill Maher. How is anyone supposed to recover from burns that sick?)
I can’t believe the Western Imperialist disinfo that Kim Jong Un is alive and well. Glorious Juche governance was just robbed of its first female leader. IT WAS HER TURN!
(Sorry sister. Hopefully the world will be progressive enough to embrace a female authoritarian dictator in due time.)
The Supreme Leader Fuck-A-Fan Contest is now on hold. Reserved those economy tickets to Pyongyang for nothing! Can’t a single thing go right this year?!?!
(Sorry brother. Worst case scenario the Juche empire can Weekend At Bernie’s that body up for three minutes of heaven.)
What’s the funniest thing that the North Korean government could Weekend At Bernie’s Kim Jong Un’s body doing?
(Besides a sex tape, probably attempting to solve a Rubik’s Cube? I can’t even solve one of those fuckers WITH conscious sentience in this meat sack.)
Do you think the Supreme Leader of Best Korea turned himself into a vegetable to feed his people?
(I dunno, but that’d be the funniest shit I’ve ever heard. Definitely not a Twitter joke that’s been rephrased 74 times over.)
Pandemic life has made me regress to forms of enjoyment from my adolescence. What old YouTube channels do you recommend that didn’t turn out to be pedophiles, terrible skit writers, sellouts, etc.,?
(Medium Universe Guest Star Gus Johnson, if you consider 2017 ancient. Red Letter Media, for adequate movie review skit-writing and no pedophilia. Onision, on the off chance you want someone who is the perfect apotheosis of all of those attributes?)
What does it mean if my parents are watching home improvement shows that take place in the Deep South every night for 3 days now?
(Either they’re ardently planning the Neo-Confederate insurrection, or ardently planning to finally install that addition on the second floor. No in-betweens.)
Finally started to catch up on Ozark nearly a month late. Do you think Wendy Byrde is the El Chapo of Karens?
(Well, she is a bitchy wine mom and everything the most insufferable Breaking Bad fans thought Skylar White was, but she doesn’t really do much to speak or stand up to her drug cartel manager. Darlene Snell, on the other hand, will blow the manager’s dick off with a twelve gauge.)
After playing Minecraft for years, I finally bought a pickaxe and am ready to mine some real life diamonds.
(Go mine some at Notch’s mansion while his security’s quarantined, and give me some of that racist fedora neckbeard chucklefuck’s diamond bucks while you’re at it. It’s over in Beverly Hills if you gotta day to kill.)
You get a tombstone and “In Memoriam” Hollywood Walk Of Fame star. What do you have it engraved with?
(Two words: “Bruh moment” 199X – 20XX?)