YANKEES SIGN CRICKET SUPERSTAR TO NEW RECORD CONTRACT

By Ivan Yakinoff
Still Needs to do Taxes

NEW YORK— In the latest in season roster move, the New York Yankees have made the surprise move of the season by signing Bangladeshi cricket super star Shakib Al Hasan to their new starting roster. Hasan, the greatest cricket player from Bangladesh, is thrilled that he can finally live his life long goal of being the first rich guy to achieve the American dream.

“Everyone knows about the American dream and how dirt poor people from developing countries come to get a somewhat better life in a country with an even higher cost of living than their own home country. But today I break that trend. I already enjoy a life of luxury in Bangladesh and now in America I enjoy an even bigger life of luxury with legal booze and fine women from all corners of Earth. said Hasan.

General manager Brian Cashman and manager Aaron Boone welcomed Hasan to the team and America by buying him a ecomomy flight from Dhaka and making him pay for his own hotel in the Bronx. Believing him to the big star that will help bring the Yankees back to their glory days, the  team signed him to a 15 year, $690 million contract, which is currently the largest contract in MLB history.

Despite the fact the cricket and baseball are still very different sports, the Yankees seem to be completely oblivious to that fact. They are totally confident that Hasan will have no problem transitioning from one sport that takes forever to complete to another sport that takes forever to complete.

“We heard what people said, that Hasan won’t be able to grasp the boringness and the slow ass snail pace of baseball, but rest be assured he’s got that locked down. He’s already brought his bulk size order of sunflower seeds and chewing tobacco” said manager Aaron Boone.

In preparation for his new life in America, Hasan is staying in bed dreaming about achieving the American dream.

Marvel Stages Mass Shooting to Announce Season 2 of Punisher

By Kyle MeDaddy
Doesn’t Like Nazis

HOLLYWOOD — In the midst of all the excitement for films such as Avengers Infinity war, Ant Man and the Wasp, and Luke Cage Season 2, marvel studios marketing executive, Michael Pasciullo, thought it would be a great idea to stage a mass shooting to announce the release date for Punisher Season 2. Sadly, the stunt did not get the publicity Pasciullo was looking for.

The plan was to use special effects and several different actors to stage the look of a villian running rampant in time square. Pasciullo had Ben Barnes, who was to return for the role as Billy Russo, played the role of the shooter, in hopes that people would recognize him and know it was a publicity stunt. When the “shooting” began everyone had no idea it was staged and ran screaming in horror and eventually the police were called.

It was believed that all precincts were notified of the event to avoid in complications, but one precinct did not get the memo. From the 38th New York police precinct came five police cars with two officers each. Barnes believing the officers were actors began firing his weapon, filled with blanks, at them. Because of this, police then proceeded to shoot and kill Ben Barnes. It was not until Jon Bernthal, dressed in his punisher armor, yelled from the one of the rooftops, “stop this Russo, it’s me you want!!!” he then looked down and saw his co-star dead in the center of the square. “I said it was a bad idea, but they were telling me everything was taken care of,” Bernthal said with tears for the death of his friend and coworker.

Pasciullo was unable to comment, due to the fact that he is know where to be found. The last person to have contact with him was a coworker who called him to tell him what happened. “When I told him, he seemed like he was in a rush and he told me to tell his family he would be home as soon as all this blows over.” There is a warrant out for Pasciullo, but he is nowhere to be found.

Breaking: U. Club President Murdered near Livingston Bus Stop

By Walter Cronkite Jr.
Doesn’t Care

PISCATAWAY — Andrew Blustein, head of student-led satirical publication The Medium, was found dead early Wednesday morning at the Livingston Plaza bus stop, according to Rutgers police. “The body of senior Andrew Blustein was found at 3 a.m. Wednesday,” said chief of University police Kenneth Cop. “Evidence points to foul play, and we are gathering information on suspects. The Rutgers community is deeply saddened by the loss. We have no further comment.”

According to people familiar with the situation, the main suspects are the remaining executive members of The  Medium, a weekly printed satirical newspaper, dubbed Rutgers’ Entertainment Weekly. For a more detailed breakdown of the suspects, see inside.

“We just can’t believe this happened,” said managing editor Jake Goldstein, one of the suspects according to the people. “I saw him yesterday and he was fine. We were all at trivia night. I mean–I just don’t know what to say.”

Goldstein, along with most members of The Medium, did not comment on being a suspect in the case.

“Yeah, I know I’m a suspect,” said Dan Cratella, the page A7 editor who was the only member to comment on the situation.

“People never trust me, but it’s fine, I don’t care. I have an alibi. I can tell you it right now if you want. I mean I know I probably shouldn’t, but believe me I have one. Search my car if you want to– it’s sad, yeah it’s sad–but I didn’t do it so just search whatever I’m innocent.”

University police would not comment further on an open investigation, but did say New Brunswick police are getting involved.

“Murder?!,” said opinions editor Marissa Schwartz, who is the only one to request counsel. “Oh god! They’re going to blame me, I just know it.”

Rutgers Entertainment Weekly