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1. Oklahoma City Thunder trade MVP candidate Kendrick Pekins
By far the biggest surprise at the deadline, this move will have drastic effects on the second half of the season and makes the Jazz into an immediate title-contender.
2. Dude Whose Name Sounds Like “Dragon” Gets Traded
This one is pretty self-explanatory.
3.Reggie Jackson Actually Wanted to Get Sent to Detroit.
Yep, you heard that right. The surprise is not that he got traded to Detroit, but that he was happy to leave a perennial contender to join a bad a team and live in Detroit. Detroit!
4. Believe It Or Not, The Knicks Still Suck.
Shocking, really. I’m speechless.
NOT SHOCKING: The 76ers Trade Their Only Active Asset, Michael Carter Williams, For a Handful of Useless Draft Picks.
They went from a “lose now, win tomorrow” strategy to a “lose now, lose forever” one.
A New Fable for the Stone Ages!
Have you ever seen a T-Rex? Do you even know what a T-Rex is?… If not, fuck you, and eat a dick; and if you have, well… then nice going fuck boy, keep droppin’ acid. What you’re about to read is the beginning of the tale of a young T-Rex and his trials and tribulations throughout life. His name is Tyrannical Rex, and is considered an enigma to most who have studied him. One of the main reasons he is a mystery, is because he lives amongst humans; his dinosaur ancestors have been extinct for millions of years! So, as it goes, nobody knows where he came from or how he arrived, but one thing is certain: his name definitely describes his behavior, for he is a TYRANT of modern society!!!
Our story begins in the Spirit Lake Reservation in North Dakota:
“Oh Tyrannical Rex please help— HELP ME!!” cried out Susan Lee Bass (Esteemed co-owner of the New-Yacht Boating School).
“FUCK, honey. I’m just finishing up my fucking custard you slut! Be right there.” said T. Rex (T. short for Tyrannical), smilingly.
“Wait, nevermind I’m OK.. I’m g— AWWHWHHH!!!! My vagina’s bleeding!!!????????? Why Tyrannical, why does it have to be this way? I’m just a little hokey-pokey girl living in a world… yea, that’s right, a WORLD.”
“Are you going to give a description of the ‘world’ you’re refering to?.. I– I mean, usually people will at least say ‘… living in a big world’ or ‘… living in a fucked up world’, but you just said ‘world’… Can you at least give a little more description of what you mean? Can’t you pull that stick out of you vag and put this tampon in it? Aaand… since I’ve been so kind to you this evening… SUCK MY DICK!”
The two went off passionately into the forest having butt-sex despite Tyrannical’s request of getting a blow job… This is the keystone to the bridge of sexual pleasure between two lovers… unpredictability. One minute the gal says she wants a BJ and the next minute, she throws her ass in front of your dick and says, “Stick it in, Big Guy.” OOhhh yea. Fuck dat butt hole, even if it’s poopy. Uhh huh uhh huh. Show me dat sex tape after and then you can tape up my mouth. NVM guys, jkjkjkjk I’m KIDDING, don’t you know me? I’m a really cool guy… you know, I was on the football team in high school and we won a state championship.. I’m NOT GAY.
BY Art Vandelay
Jupiter Island, FL—News this week came from Tiger Woods, the former number one golfer in the world and winner of 14 major championships. In a statement released Tuesday, Tiger explained that he would be leaving the game of golf indefinitely, waiting until he feels his body has “gorged itself on the otherworldly levels of pussy that [he] used to enjoy,” before returning to the game
Tiger added much more during his press conference. “Look, I know I haven’t been myself since those sluts ruined my marriage and totally cock blocked me with that fine piece of ass that was my wife,” Tiger said, referencing his 2009 infidelity debacle. “You would think that after gracing them with my slightly above-average penis they would have kept their mouths shut.” After a minor tangent, Tiger talked about his most recent leave of absence from golf.
“I had an epiphany the other night. I was at my best when I was being me, a straight pimp and banging big tittied chicks on the reg. I was winning, I was the fucking man. In order for me to improve my game and get back to winning, I need to start banging mad bitches again.” When asked what approach he would take to “bang more bitches”, Woods offered a simple explanation. “Money, my friend. All I got to do is walk into a club and 10 minutes later I can have any broad in the place. You show them Benjamins, they’ll show you their sweater puppies and it’s up to you to take them for a walk. Did I mention I have a slightly above average penis?”
Woods then said he hopes to return to playing competitively before the summer, to which the PGA television broadcasters all responded, “Thank fucking god.”
BY THE ABOMINABLE KNOWMAN
NEW BRUNSWICK- Jane Walton, a Rutgers Environmental Sciences major, has discovered how to preserve and reuse an underutilized and often wasted resource: bellybutton lint.
“We all waste stuff, like old clothes and stuff we could’ve recycled. One morning I was showering and picked the lint from my bellybutton. I thought, ‘Do I have to waste this too?’”
Thus her company Belly Cloth was conceived.
“A few mornings in a row I collected my bellybutton lint in a Ziploc and then tried knitting them together. The lints held and I felt a sweater forming in my hands.”
Janie told her friends the idea and they were sold immediately.
“She cares so much about humanity,” says best friend Kathy Mulson.
“I’ve never met anyone so innovative,” says best friend forever Ally Hester.
“I’m doing this because they are,” says girl who isn’t really part of the group Diane Flint.
The Belly Cloth team created a collection jar, and the students in their residence hall were happy to donate all the bellybutton lint they had.
“We have trash bags full. An inspector said it was a fire hazard, but I don’t think he really cares about our cause.”
Button Cloth’s production runs around the clock. Knitters gather in an empty classroom they reserved in Campbell Hall’s basement.
“We like to call it our sweatshop,” says Walton, “because we wear the sweaters when we knit to authenticate the experience. Like, to become the people who will wear our sweaters.”
The sweaters are donated to local shelters and passed out at the New Brunswick train station. The student population commends the cause, acknowledging that diversifying a wardrobe is an ongoing issue in poorer populations.
Her plans for expansion include a line of socks, scarves, and thongs. But before growing beyond sweaters, Weston must deal with lawsuits from clothing companies claiming she’s reselling their goods.
“It’s charity. Where are their hearts? They need to get their heads out of their asses and into their bellybuttons.”
On how she stays motivated, Walton refers back to her revelation in the shower.
“I had this vision of a poor person and a homeless person fighting over who would get a lint sweater. They were punching and scratching each other, and it really moved me to action. Whenever I’m feeling like the cause is hopeless, I think of that vision and find the strength to collect more lint.”