Personals – Week of April 29th, 2020

By Bradley “Brad” Tanner, Alleged Streetwise Self Help Correspondent

 

(Sup fuckers. In light of recent events, I will now be responding to your questions and placing my psychobabble drivel into a vomitous text wall format for the time being. Enjoy. Or don’t.)

 

Pandemic Life

The world is hard right now, and I think it’s important to focus on the good things in life. So I’ve come here to confidently announce that my mother is NOT a class traitor.

(Based. Mine’s STILL clamoring to speak to a manager.)

Why do all professors call on me to discuss during online class? We are not in the real world anymore, leave me alone!

(Was the rug ever real if it could be pulled out from under you this quick? Also, how dare you underestimate the importance of dead author analysis in the real world, you fucking fucker?)

How to believably tell a classmate that their spoken word coronavirus rap documentary is good actually?

(Real eyes realize real lies as 45 vaccine denies, while promoting mass Lysol suicide, as you make good documentaries and bake your quarantine Key Lime pie. That good enough?)

How are these trying times when I’ve lost all motivation or hope to try anymore?

(Right there with ya pal. Someone’s gotta try and eat shit at those job applications though, no?)

Are these times trying, uncertain, troubling, unprecedented, or challenging? MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND MARKETERS!

(I agree that it’s pretty fucked up and disgusting that corporations are trying to capitalize off a global pandemic killing tens, possibly hundreds of thousands of people, but how the hell are you supposed to navigate a mass pile of bodies without guidance as robust as Search Engine Optimization?)

Is it possible that playing Bowser’s Inside Story growing up is the reason I have fetishes for inflation, soft vore, insertion, crushing, and size play?

(Depends. What kind of insides is this story delving into?)

As a stand-up comic, I’m terrified of the repercussions this pandemic will have on my career aspirations. How am I supposed to stalk and find a 17 year old GF in the park, like my hero Jerry Seinfeld?

(You can still take online comedy classes in these trying, uncertain times. Go to fbi.gov for true enlightenment!)

 

Bleach Injections

How do I make a bleach enema?

(Well, nothing’s technically stopping you for cramming a bag full of Lysol and cramming said bag up your ass, but for the sake of our publication’s legal council, or lack thereof, we’d greatly prefer that you not.)

How do I make a Bleach enema, like the anime?

(Just grow that fucking shit out from your hole to your taint, till it forms a really nice emo cut, and unless you’re Irish and predisposed to it, dye said shit a nice Ichigo ginger. It’s quarantine, so nobody will be around to judge. If it doesn’t grow out naturally, there’s no shame in wearing plugs.)

Best detergent for my quarantini?

(You have to get brand-name Tide. The purest and goodest of shit. Don’t actually though. Our lawyer already has enough on his plate.)

Why didn’t Jim Jones inject the poison instead of mixing it in Kool Aid? Dumbass.

(Shame what happened there. If only he listened to the medical wisdom of a senile game show host instead of accredited toxicology.)

Shit, the police don’t believe my churches’ Clorox shot mass suicide service was a sarcastic social experiment gone wrong. What can I do to convince them?

(I’m afraid it’s a little late for that. On the bright side, you’re closer than ever to making that dream Austin Jones collab vlog a reality.)

 

Kim Jong (G)Un(E?)

That Supreme Juche guy? Seems like a real DOUCHE.

(Chill Bill Maher. How is anyone supposed to recover from burns that sick?)

I can’t believe the Western Imperialist disinfo that Kim Jong Un is alive and well. Glorious Juche governance was just robbed of its first female leader. IT WAS HER TURN!

(Sorry sister. Hopefully the world will be progressive enough to embrace a female authoritarian dictator in due time.)

The Supreme Leader Fuck-A-Fan Contest is now on hold. Reserved those economy tickets to Pyongyang for nothing! Can’t a single thing go right this year?!?!

(Sorry brother. Worst case scenario the Juche empire can Weekend At Bernie’s that body up for three minutes of heaven.)

What’s the funniest thing that the North Korean government could Weekend At Bernie’s Kim Jong Un’s body doing?

(Besides a sex tape, probably attempting to solve a Rubik’s Cube? I can’t even solve one of those fuckers WITH conscious sentience in this meat sack.)

Do you think the Supreme Leader of Best Korea turned himself into a vegetable to feed his people?

(I dunno, but that’d be the funniest shit I’ve ever heard. Definitely not a Twitter joke that’s been rephrased 74 times over.)

 

Pandemic Kino

Pandemic life has made me regress to forms of enjoyment from my adolescence. What old YouTube channels do you recommend that didn’t turn out to be pedophiles, terrible skit writers, sellouts, etc.,?

(Medium Universe Guest Star Gus Johnson, if you consider 2017 ancient. Red Letter Media, for adequate movie review skit-writing and no pedophilia. Onision, on the off chance you want someone who is the perfect apotheosis of all of those attributes?)

What does it mean if my parents are watching home improvement shows that take place in the Deep South every night for 3 days now?

(Either they’re ardently planning the Neo-Confederate insurrection, or ardently planning to finally install that addition on the second floor. No in-betweens.)

Finally started to catch up on Ozark nearly a month late. Do you think Wendy Byrde is the El Chapo of Karens?

(Well, she is a bitchy wine mom and everything the most insufferable Breaking Bad fans thought Skylar White was, but she doesn’t really do much to speak or stand up to her drug cartel manager. Darlene Snell, on the other hand, will blow the manager’s dick off with a twelve gauge.)

After playing Minecraft for years, I finally bought a pickaxe and am ready to mine some real life diamonds.

(Go mine some at Notch’s mansion while his security’s quarantined, and give me some of that racist fedora neckbeard chucklefuck’s diamond bucks while you’re at it. It’s over in Beverly Hills if you gotta day to kill.)

You get a tombstone and “In Memoriam” Hollywood Walk Of Fame star. What do you have it engraved with?

(Two words: “Bruh moment”  199X – 20XX?)

We Interviewed The Aliens Who Write 30,000+ Word Wikipedia Articles About Our Customs

By Bradley “Brad” Tanner, Streetwise Intergalactic Correspondent

 

Have you ever read the Wikipedia articles on crying, laughter, waffles, or humans, and mulled over wondering which sort of fucking alien wrote it? We did too. That’s why I was proud to Zoom with Wikimedia Foundation’s preeminent Annunnaki employee, reptilian writer and editor Yorgoth Nephiliyax! We’ve pasted the abridged interview below!

 

BBT: Pleasure to speak to you and get a peek behind the curtain!

 

YN: Ergo. It is also in fact a broad class of mental states that humans and other conscious animals experience as positive, enjoyable, or worth seeking, to be form phonetic combinations of vowel and consonant sounds that form the sound of these words to you, and to use those phonetic combinations of vowel and consonant sounds to articulate a glimpse behind the scenery and stage area, through the cloud based, peer-to-peer, video communications software known as Zoom.

 

BBT: Thank you! So I just wanted to know; what exactly motivated you to cover Wikipedia’s human beats? What’s bouncing around that endo-thorax of yours?

 

YN: Following the Draco Constellation’s Ninth Inter-Planetary Total War, the mass death on Nibiru incited a trans-global recession, which our article on the matter defines as a business cycle contraction when there is a general decline in economic activity. I needed to depart from such squalor and misfortune, and that’s when I was compelled to encounter Wikipedia’s article on Earth, which it defines as the third planet from the Sun and the only astronomical object known (by homo sapiens) to harbor life.

 

BBT: I see. Speaking of homo sapiens, I was particularly moved by the first paragraph on us, when you call us “the only extant members of the subtribe Hominina” and say we’re “characterized by erect posture and bipedal locomotion”. And, speaking of erect, what was the research process behind your article on human penis size?

 

YN: Well, to paraphrase the piece itself, compared to other primates, including large examples such as the gorilla, the human penis is thickest, both in absolute terms and relative to the rest of the body. A statistically significant correlation between penis size and the size of other body parts has not been found in research, but as of 2015, a systematic review of 15,521 men, and the best research to date on the topic, as the subjects were measured by health professionals, rather than self-measured, has concluded that the average length of an erect human penis is 13.12 cm (5.17 inches) long. So, the research was largely done for me, but the methodology in both instances was a rigorous process of empirical observation. While penis panic is a form of mass hysteria involving the believed removal or shrinking of the penis, known as genital retraction syndrome, I did not witness any observable penile removals, disappearances, or shrinkages in girth and circumference.

 

BBT: Cool. I know it’s some people’s thing, but I don’t really go to NatGeo or Wiki articles to get aroused. Those ones on culinary history make some damn good food porn though! Which one was your favorite to write or edit?

 

YN: Ah! A glamourized visual presentation of cooking or eating in advertisements, infomercials, blogs, cooking shows, or other visual media! Hard to say. As our digestive organs undergo a three Gregorian-Calendar day gestation period, us Annunakis require less need for sustenance than the average homo sapien or carbon-based lifeform. But did you know that during the 19th and early 20th century, Bernese cookbooks recorded numerous recipes for Haselnussleckerli or Bernerläckerli, indicating that the sweet was initially only produced in the small Leckerli form, with the larger rectangular forms coming into use only in the second half of the 20th century? The now-common name of Haselnusslebkuchen is first used in a 1946 baker’s manual. The Berner Haselnusslebkuchen, or traditional Swiss Christmas Cake, is made of a marzipan-like mass of roasted and ground hazelnuts and about one eighth ground almonds, as well as a little sugar, honey, cinnamon, candied lemon and orange peel, held together by egg white. The addition of water or flour is not necessary, as the oil in the hazelnuts helps the mass stick together.

 

BBT: I did not. Thank you for enlightening me.

 

YN: I am pleased to offer you the full comprehension of a situation.

 

BBT: Moving on, Wikipedia has over 52 million articles to date. Was there any particular one you worked that made you emotional? Any human customs, famous deaths, or events that elated you? Amused you? Moved you to tears?

 

YN: Our species does not possess the basal, reflective, or psychic tear ducts sufficient to replicate the homo sapien act of crying, or a complex secretomotor phenomenon characterized by the shedding of tears from the lacrimal apparatus, without any irritation of the ocular structures, instead, giving a relief which protects from conjunctivitis. Recent psychological theories of crying emphasize the relationship of crying to the experience of perceived helplessness, but none of my content work has ever invoked such helplessness in my psyche. War is war. Death is death. The sporadic self arrangement and dissolution of the cosmos marches forth against itself. 

 

BBT: Sure is something. How do you update those death dates so damn fast by the way?

 

YN: Just general reptilian intuition. And a multinational hit squad of assassins in the wait, to maximize punctuality.

 

BBT: Excuse me?

 

YN: Don’t worry about them. Your cardiotoxicity, obesity, and hereditary high blood pressure will likely put you at sufficient risk of being a COVID-19 within the month regardless.

 

BBT: I’m gonna need a citation on that, buddy.

 

YN: I can intuitively sense your microbiome and blood temperature through the monitor.

 

BBT: And I can take my ass off it and go!

 

YN: But you’re a homo sapien! Not an asinus, a subgenus, that includes the donkey and multiple other asses!

 

BBT: I think we’re done here. We’ve steered this material to it’s logical zenith.

😱😱😱 DON’T TWEET TRAPT THREE TIMES WHILE LISTENING TO TRAPT AT 3:00 A.M. 😱😱😱

*OMG THEY CAME TO MY HOUSE AND TOOK ME ON*

 

By ModerateEugenecistGamer1986, Influencer and Incestous Alt-Right Elsa YouTuber

 

(Hey what’s up guys!!! Broke the camera against the drywall again so I’m just posting my vlog script here!!!)

Recently I noticed that CHRIS TAYLOR BROWN 🐴🐴🐴, the lead singer of early 🕐🕐🕐 2000’s post-grunge alternative nu-metal 🤘 group 👥👥 TRAPT, has been having a MONTH 🈷️🈷️🈷️-LONG TWITTER #️⃣#️⃣ MELTDOWN over this ⬆ CORONAVIRUS QUARANTINE, feuding with DANNY DIABLO, DANCE 💃 GAVIN DANCE 💃, ICE-T 🧊, and everyone who 💁 DISAGREES with his PRESCRIPTION DRUG 💊 FUELED MAGA-FELLATING DIATRIBES, even going so far as to CHALLENGE Mr 🇲🇷🇲🇷🇲🇷. T to a BARE KNUCKLE boxing match “to the FUCKING 🖕 DEATH”? 

 

What 😅 is 🈶 it with CHRIS BROWNS in the music 🎤 industry 🏭🏭🏭 being abusive, homophobic, maladroit, narcissistic FUCKSTICKS? I had so much respect for TRAPT and their MULTITUDINOUS DISCOGRAPHY with it’s abundance of HIT 👊 SONG, SO MUCH NOSTALGIA for it’s accompaniment in artistic masterworks like 😄😄 PS2 GAME 🎱🎱 MAIN MENU MUSIC 🎤🎤, SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG 🦔🦔🦔 AMVs, and FAMILIAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE 👊👊. I don’t even disagree with BIGOTRY, INJECTING BLEACH to OWN THE LIBS, or female 👧👧-on 🔛🔛-male 👦 STATUATORY RAPE APOLOGIA, but have 🈶 a little more ➕➕ TACT about it MY GUY 👦👦, you FEEL me?

 

So, at 3:00 AM, I took the PLENTY BOLD CHALLENGE to tweet 🐦 @TRAPTOFFICIAL, telling 🗣 them to be LESS ➖ HEADSTRONG while listening to HEADSTRONG. Within the span of ten seconds, I received the PORTENTOUS 😮 OMEN 😈 that I had been BLOCKED from following @TRAPTOFFICIAL and viewing @TRAPTOFFICIAL’s tweets, and five 5️⃣5️⃣5️⃣ seconds after that, I received an OMINOUS CALL from a demonic, DISTORTION-FILTERED voice…

 

“I SEE 👁 YOUR 👉 MOTIVES INSIDE. DECISIONS TO HIDE. A DIFFERENT MOTIVE IN YOUR 👉 EYES 🤩🤩🤩. SEE 👁👁👁 YOU LATER…”

 

Five 5️⃣ minutes transpired. A rapping BECKONED upon my door 🔑🔑. FROSTED black tips DRIFTING against the peephole. A violent SCREAMO YARL echoed across the walls. IT WAS CHRIS TAYLOR BROWN…   …IN THE FLESH 😱😱😱. Behind him, the THREE 3️⃣3️⃣ HORSEMEN 🐴🐴🐴: BRENDAN HENGLE, MIKE SMITH, and some motherfucker named PETER “PETE” CHARELL.They stood back ⬅️⬅️⬅️, and he pointed FORWARD ⏭⏭⏭, wearing nothing 🈚🈚 but a MAGA hat 🤠🤠🤠 and 112 pounds and 62 inches of soaking meat 🥓🥓🥓, ECHOING into the ether…

 

“HEADSTRONG? I’LL SHOW 📺📺 YOU STRONG 💪 HEAD 💆💆! HUNG DONG 🍆 ? I’LL SUCK OFF ANYONE’S!”

Mr 🇲🇷. Taylor-Brown 🐴🐴🐴 did NOT back ⬅️⬅️⬅️ off and respect CDC social distancing regulations. He DID let me know 🤔 that he knew 🤔 I was wrong, and HE DID take me on 🔛🔛🔛, with my obliging consent, and the most euphoric 27 MINUTES 🕐 of 🍆 ECSTASY 😫 I have EVER experienced in my life. Yes, he DID swallow  👅 , and yes, TEETH 🦷 were generously applied. We have 🈶🈶🈶 remained quarantined, drinking Monster 👹👹👹 Energy 🔋🔋, and threatening to fist 👊 fight one 1️⃣1️⃣ another to the death 💀 since! Took me on 🔛🔛🔛 across 50 vlogs that I’m proud 😤😤😤 to announce on 🔛🔛🔛 my new 🆕🆕 vlog! Visit onlyfans.com/ModerateEugenecistGamer1986 for more ➕➕➕ BASED CONSERVATIVE Headstrong Strong 💪💪 Head 💆💆 Elsa Spiderman content!

Politicians Should Wear NASCAR Jackets

by Alan Thicke Dong

We all know that almost no politician is completely clean. They’ve all got someone else’s grubby little fingers in their pockets, telling them exactly what to vote for. I think it goes without saying that Bernie Sanders might just be the only one who is actually clean, and this is a huge problem for all the people out there who hate being kind to others and sharing what you have with the needy; they need someone clean, too. This just isn’t gonna happen. You’re expecting people to serve their country faithfully while only getting paid the amount they agreed to when they took the job? Ridiculous!

So, if politicians aren’t gonna not accept “donations” from lobbyists, what can we do to help the American people know what they’re really voting for? I suggest that all politicians be forced to wear NASCAR-style jackets whenever they are performing any professional duties. These jackets will have patches advertising exactly which multinationals have bought them off and are influencing their vote. This won’t exactly solve the problem, I bet that not every politician is fashionable enough to decide it might just look better to not accept dirty money than that horrible jacket does, but it will at least help people know what they’re getting themselves into. When we have major corporations literally pushing the US into military conflicts, like ITT in Chile, Union Carbide in India, United Fruit in Guatemala, Gulf Oil stopped us from going into Angola but only because they’d lose money, First National Bank of NY and Haiti, and Standard Oil of NJ in Russia (look them up, it’s all true). Maybe, just maybe, the people show know they really vote for the big corporation playing puppets with our politicians.

The Medium’s Fanfiction Factory Presents: Silvio Shits Himself!

By CoJoseph

AN AVERAGE DAY AT THE BING:

Silvio: Tone, I don’t know how to break this to ya, but I shit my pants

Tony: Jesus fucking Christ Sil what makes you think I wanna hear this?

Silvio: Just thought you should hear it from me first.

LATER THAT DAY:

Tony: I just can’t stop thinking about it….why the fuck would someone tell you something like that?

Melfi: Maybe because he views you as someone he can trust, a friend.

Tony: Oh what? He’s gonna bitch to me about his menstrual cramps now like an old housewife?

Melfi: I think you should feel honored that Silvio sees you as someone he can open up to.

THE NEXT MORNING:

Tony: Hey look Sil, about that business with you uhh……defecating yourself. I’m sorry I yelled at you. Just try to keep stuff like that to yourself.

THE END

Why the Lockdown Protesters ARE MORE Than the Modern Rosa Parks

By Lt. Cpl. Brg. USMS Chiappa Remington Wesson, Jr

 

ATTENTION PATRIOTS: As you know, our nation has been UNDER SIEGE by the MANUFACTURED COVID-19 BIOWEAPON HOAX, orchestrated by the GLOBALIST DO-NOTHING DUMMYCRATS! A PERNICIOUS, insidious, SINISTER HOAX that has “claimed the lives” of over 30,000 CRISIS ACTORS, INCLUDING my FIRST BITCH WIFE. Reap the fruits of that ALIMONY in the ICU bed, you ungrateful WHORE?!?!

 

But I digress. While I’ve been INSIDE, lubricating my AR receivers and sculpting my tinfoil power armor against 5G INFILTRATION, a valiant group of BOLD PATRIOTS across the country have stepped OUTSIDE to resist this egregious, blatant, TYRANNICAL STATIST OPPRESSION! One of those BRAVE PATRIOTS was a woman who held a DEFIANT LAST STAND on the steps of a Huntington Beach Baskin-Robbins, brandishing a sign of the famous Patrick Henry screed: GIVE ME LIBERTY, OR GIVE ME DEATH!

 

Some leftist REGRESSIVES may argue that she’s unwittingly promulgating death, and potentially her own, but IS there TRUE LIBERTY in this nation if we do not have the liberty to play Russian Roulette with our immune systems whilst eating ice cream? IS this NOT a worse injustice than some refugee snowflake prison camps, resource scarcity, dictatorial abuses of authority, or PALTRY “police brutality”? Things that ONLY happen under the General Tso’s Regime and NO OTHER GOVERNMENT? She might be one of the Christ-murdering gays, but Ellen has been DEAD ON at respecting our PROUD WAR CRIMINALS and likening this TO THE FUCKING! OPPRESSIVE! JAIL! IT! IS! 

 

Stephen Moore, one of our God Emperor’s valiant advisers, compared her to the modern day Rosa Parks, but I feel that is a UNDERSTATED MISNOMER! Me, her, Ellen, and THE LOT might as well be the modern-day NELSON MANDELAS! WE might as well be the I.C.E. kids CAGED LIKE ANIMALS in abandoned Wal-Marts! Those guards might separate families, but at least THEY have the FREEDOM to not be separated SIX FEET APART! We must do EVERYTHING IN OUR POWER to liberate ourselves from THE CHAINS of such UNJUST AUTHORITARIAN RULE as a wide open ice cream shop… MAYBE CLOSING?!?!?!

 

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS! 

RAGE AGAINST THE DYING OF THE LIGHT!

DEATH FOR HIGH FRUCTOSE MSG MILKY SAUCE OR BARBARISM!

Top 12 Things That Suck Most About Working in a Refrigerated Morgue Truck

By Madeline “Zoomer Mortician” Mori, Local TikTok Influencer And Funeral Industry Professional

 

Hey guys! So in light of some unforeseen circumstances that were foreseen months ago by all epidemiologists with common sense, we’ve had to take my work with Fenwiek Funeral Home ON THE ROAD! This isn’t like the IDEAL way I wanted to tour around and see my fans, but that’s the life of making a living out of death y’all. Shit happens, and sometimes you gotta stuff, renegade, whip, and nae nae that shit into a refrigerated morgue semi!

 

From New Brunswick’s Willow Grove Cemetery to New York’s Hart Island Mass Grave, I’m elated to have steady essential work in these trying times. I’m also grateful to be isolated around plenty of company, EVEN IF that company isn’t always the most active, talkative, conscious, or oxygen auspicious. But living life propped up by death on 18 wheels isn’t always the most steady, stable living! Here’s some of the big things that SUCK about working aboard a COVID truck!

 

  1. 4G LTE truck reception is WAAAAYYY too slow for posting your 5G conspiracy theories!!!!! 

 

  1. You can’t decorate the morgue lockers, even the one that might be your own in two weeks time! LITERALLY MAKES NO SENSE!!!!! 

 

  1. Outside trailer; warm AF. Inside trailer; chill AF. Too chill AF, even WITH a hazmat suit!!!!!111

 

  1. Too much savagery, too little classy bougie rachetry 😦 

 

  1. You can’t do a trailer toosie slide without sliding on your ass down the 95!

 

  1. Rigor mortis eeewwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

  1. Some HEAVY AF lifting up the trailer! Can’t the New Yorkers hire their Mafia guys to like, saw down the fat?!?!?!

 

  1. CB radio doesn’t play the TikTok OR Top 40 hits 😡

 

  1. A pandemic wreaking exponential 9/11’s across the world would’ve been THE PERFECT time to hone my Banana Bread Game, but now I’ve been CALLED away from that!!!!! TF guyzzzz?

 

  1. The hire-ups won’t let me bring my frozen #SelfCare stress-eating pantry of Toaster Strudels and Totino’s Pizza Rolls on the road!!!! In a FROZEN morgue truck? HEEEELLLLLOOOOOO?

 

  1. Lowkey, body bags of dead corpses HIGHKEY buzzkill the Tik Tok dance mood, deadass.

 

  1. Knowing that you’re being martyred as a “hero” and not expendable cannon fodder for an easily preventable pandemic that the narcissistic, sociopathic dipshits up top didn’t give a shit about preventing! Capitalism? One hundred percent CERTIFIABLY NOT LIT, y’all 😥

My Review of COVIDs 1-18

By Doug Walker

Hello I’m the Nostalgia Critic, I forget workplace abuse allegations so you don’t have to!

Amid this pandemic I’ve decided to expand my repertoire of nostalgic things to review OUTSIDE the realm of cinema! I’m excited to move into literature reviews next week with a back-to-back double header of David Duke’s My Awakening and William Pierce’s Turner Diaries, but before that, I’m gonna review the pandemics themselves!

Kellyanne Conway made a great and epidemiologically accurate point when she said that COVID-19 wasn’t COVID-1 on Fox News. Thus, hearing that inspired me to look back at the greatest hits, plunders, and prequels we all totally remember and love, with a review of all the prior 18 COVID pandemics, in ONE review! Aren’t exclamations and CAPITALIZATIONS AND LOUD NOISES FUNNY? Haven’t I accomplished more with my life than being a former janitor who’s sense of humor was cryogenically preserved in 2009? I’m not so sure these days, but here’s what I’m sure about COVIDs 1-18!

COVID-1: The origin. You could see how the artists were really working out their kinks and the nascent early moldings of their stylistic choices here, but they ultimately never came to fruition. Started in some bats or armadillos and only ended in an anticlimactic shoutout from the President’s counselor.

2 SARS 2 CoV: The 2nd installment in 2003. Really a downer masterwork of body horror with pneumonia symptoms out the wazoo. It only infected 8000 people though, so they didn’t quite up the ante to the series’ present installment.

Bat Man and COVID: Wasn’t really a fan of the 27-minute long take Big Lipped Alligator Moment where Jeff Garlin intubated his viral load into Ashley Judd with his Bat Credit Card. A BAT CREDIT CARD??!?!? INFLECTION OF [PREDICATE] INTO [SUBJECT]???

A New CoV: Really shoddy bioweapon. If Darth Vader was trying to murk an entire planet with it, how come it didn’t even leave the lab?

COVID-5G: I had The Cinema Snob try Crystal Pepsi in a review, and that made him sicker than a syringe of this stuff made me. VERY underwhelming.

Return of The SARS: Definitely a trope-setter to the newest installment, a la John Carpenter’s Halloween, but definitely underwhelming in hindsight after you’ve seen it’s contemporaries.

COVID-ASSIA: We really tried to put our own take on this one, but it ultimately didn’t live up to my idols, Steven Spielberg and D.W. Griffith.
COVID and the Deathly Virals – Part 2: Daniel Radcliffe Booty Cheeks 2011

COVIXD: Essential viewing. One of the most powerful installments of the series.

COVID’s 11-17: NON essential viewing.

COVID-18: Massive dropoff in libertarian viewership after this installment. Wonder why?

Rutgers Entertainment Weekly