By I. M. Beighbee
Babies: fresh bundles of joy that are as pure as life can be. This is how society perceives its youngest members, but what if that perception were wrong? A new study out of Vanderbilt University’s Peabody College suggests that the biggest shit in the room might not be what’s in the diaper, but what’s wearing it.
The language barrier has always been one of the biggest challenges in raising a newborn. Attempting to solve this dilemma was what led study director, Dr. Kathleen Kapoor, to the shocking discovery that perhaps babies may be more self centered than we previously knew. “We used to believe babies don’t talk because of underdeveloped regions of their brain,” Dr. Kapoor told the Medium. “Now we know it’s because they think they’re above us.”
While the idea that such small creatures think so highly of themselves may seem ludicrous when they can barely think to begin with, all the data points towards this conclusion. To reach it, the team performed a series of varied and rigorous tests on dozens of infants. In one such test, 92.3% of babies chose shiny objects over a good old fashioned American baseball, presumably so they can admire their reflections. In another, they cried and screamed 257% more frequently during the explosive action thriller, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, than while listening to Mozart. For the final test, babies were given cheap wine and Bud Light to see if they could fit in with the common man. An astonishing 100% of infants spit it up, with some even vomiting after to show their disapproval.
“It’s pretty clear based on the data that these self-righteous shit-stains think they’re above the rest of us,” explained one graduate student on the study. “Maybe when they develop object permanence,” suggested another, “they’ll be able to remember their place.” When we asked Dr. Kapoor if there was any way to bring them down to size, she suggested adoption. Personally, this reporter couldn’t agree more.
By: Throbbin Williams
This weekend Montclair resident Jason Stephenson discovered that New Jersey is now seeing nearly 1,000 new covid cases a day while out to brunch on a packed patio.
“Oh shit, we haven’t seen this many new cases per day since May,” Stephenson said before scrunching together with his friends to take a group picture.
Stephenson made this revelation while scrolling twitter surrounded by 16 of his closest, most-maskless friends. This news comes after restrictions and tensions in New Jersey have eased since the summer lockdown and America’s young people have taken their lives back.
“It’s crazy how cases have started rising again! Life has felt so normal since I started hanging out with all of my friends again and going to restaurants and bars. Hopefully Santacon is still happening, we all just got our tickets.” Stephenson said.
As of yesterday, the coronavirus death toll in America surpassed 220,000 lives lost, but in the last month New Jersey has seen 300,000 brunches served. Statistics show that the majority of cases in the last few months are among the 18-24 demographic.
“Look, we just had to get this economy thing we made up going again,” Governor Phil Murphy said, “If that means letting a bunch of dumb young people get sick, so be it. I need to get reelected.”
Experts predict that this winter will be the hardest months of the pandemic, citing that flu season, colder temperatures, and less sunlight will enable the virus to thrive. Those factors, combined with young people living with reckless abandon because they think they’re invincible, could cause this pandemic to last into fall of 2021.
On the bright side, the coronavirus pandemic may cancel holiday bar crawls and shitty ugly sweater parties if case numbers get high enough. This situation is unique to the United States, as New Zealand packed a stadium with maskless attendants for the first time since March.
“This is the greatest country on the fucking planet,” Stephenson said after his seventh pitcher of bottomless mimosas “Masks, no masks, what’s important is that we don’t let the virus know we’re scared of it. We don’t negotiate with terrorists. Or viruses. Brunch stays open, football stays open, I don’t have the mental fortitude to stay inside, or even wear a cloth on my face. Brunch forever.”
By Pre Malone
New Brunswick, NJ — Following the recent security breach in the popular software Proctortrack, Rutgers University has announced that they will be requiring students to switch to a new software called ProctortrackNoVirusWePromizeTM. This software, as suggested by its name, is purported to have fewer security issues and has been certified by the Kremlin. The software can be downloaded at: https://www.prettyladiez&cheapmeth/loseweightfast/proctortrack.
This announcement is an albeit less-than-satisfying answer to the questions that have been posed by Rutgers’s student body. Students everywhere have been asking for information such as: “What was the security breach?”, “When will my exam be rescheduled?”, and “Does a hacker now have a video of me crying through my calc test?” Students hope that Rutgers will soon offer more information but recognize that the discovery of a new software is a step in the right direction.
As for the students who have already downloaded ProctortrackNoVirusWePromizeTM, they have begun to notice some odd but surely harmless side effects of the software. One student noted that, not only did the program make her scan her face and student ID, it also made her scan her credit card, birth certificate, and social security number. “Odd,” she said. “I guess I’ll just have to do it.” Another noticed that, once he completed the onboarding process, he was unable to take his test. Instead, the software had replaced the exam with 4 hours of political propaganda. He reported the malfunction to the creators of the software through email, but found that their response only contained more political propaganda.
For investigative purposes, The Medium is currently in the process of downloading the software and will notify its readers once it has a chance to asldinaseja;lwenraldifasdr9323r a;sldfjasoidfj2o3uosfgDEMOCRATSCANTBETRUSTED.
By Harry Nuttsaac
JonBenét Ramsey: she’s been running a Russian Fake News site and was single handedly responsible for Trump getting elected
Haley Joel Osment: he’s working in the casting department for the Haunted Mansion ride at Disney
Tim Curry: you guys don’t remember seeing him in The Rocky Horror Picture Show: Let’s Do the Time Warp Again (2016)? That and nothing since.
Nic Cage: he’s still loose in the city of New Brunswick after escaping from the subterranean prison below the city
Johnny Knoxville: Jackass 4: They All Die at the End
Elijah Wood: Peter Jackson kidnapped him until New Line Cinema agrees to make Lord of the Rings 4
Ryan Reynolds: he’s busy starring in every wet dream I’ve ever had
Drew Barrymore: she’s actually in this really great movie, 50 First Dates. Wait, what do you mean that was 16 years ago?
Adam Sandler: after Hollywood snubbed Uncut Gems, he’s been working hard on as many sequels to Jack and Jill as James Cameron is making for Avatar
Snookie: she’s working in the White House
By: PP Harding
Bitch, I bet you thought I was done. Too bad I have enough hate in my heart for this movie, it could fill three olympic-size swimming pools. Okay so we left off with the Sanderson sisters getting off the horndog-driven city bus. They step off the bus and stop in front of a house in the hustle and bustle of trick-or-treaters. One of the witches is confused because they can smell sexy delicious children but can’t see them because of their costumes. Is that her power? Smelling children? Could you imagine smelling children all the time? I worked at a summer camp, I can’t imagine what it must be like to consistently smell child stank wafting through the air. Like they do not wipe their booty holes or nothing. Then they see an older man dressed in a sparkly devil onesie and bow to him thinking that he’s THE Devil and he invites them in. Now, when I first saw the movie, I thought he invited them in because he was hosting a party or something but NO! He walks in to his disgruntled wife and is like, “C’mon honey, let these three strange women into the house for me to have sex with.” Like why are the sexual implications so strong in this DISNEY CHILDREN’S MOVIE??? Why is everyone trying to have sex with these women? Ok so then they cut to the main kids in the movie going to a police officer to tell him that the Sanderson sisters are loose and the younger sister AGAIN mentions that her older brother is a virgin. “Virgin” should be the fucking drinking word of the night because at this point they have referenced that this young boy is a virgin like ten times? He’s like 15, is Disney implying that 15-year-olds shouldn’t be virgins? I will admit that it was pretty funny when the “officer” questioned them and then you found out he was just a guy in a costume but that’s it! That’s the only genuinely comical part. I don’t know, these aren’t necessarily funny anymore, but I said I would do one every week until Halloween. Spitters are quitters and I ain’t no quitter. If you’re actually still reading my social security is 526-862-0765 and I sell feet pics so please support small businesses. Thank you.
How many hours of sleep does your roommate get every night?
A- Solid 8 hours, but they wake up constantly.
B- Maybe 2 on a good night, not for lack of trying.
C- 9-10, but they go to sleep around 5 AM and miss lunch.
How does your roommate feel about their sleep schedule?
A- They’re constantly tired and have no idea why.
B- They’re constantly tired and know exactly why.
C- They staunchly refuse to admit there’s a problem.
What noises does your roommate make at night?
A- Snorting, gasping noises followed by harrowing silence.
B- They’re perfectly quiet.
C- They drop the hard R regularly.
How disruptive is your roommate’s sleep disorder?
A- Moderately disruptive. They make noises at random intervals, but it’s hard to feel angry about it.
B- It’s not audibly disruptive, but sleeping in front of them makes you feel incredibly guilty.
C- Extremely disruptive. They literally will not stop.
Mostly A: They may have sleep apnea. Recommend they talk to a sleep doctor, who can diagnose them and offer them treatment.
Mostly B: They may have insomnia. Get them melatonin at your local drugstore.
Mostly C: They are a gamer. Stew quietly as they interrupt your sleep on a regular basis, and then when you can’t take it anymore beat them over the head with their keyboard.
By Ted Cruz
If you’re on campus, you’ve seen these fuckers, you may even be one of those fuckers, but scooterists are a fucking menace. So, like any logical person, I’ve started killing them. Not only have I almost been knocked off the sidewalk countless times but these fuckers have even almost run into my car countless times! There are bike lanes on every goddamn road here on Livi but you will never find a scooterist in a bike lane. You definitely won’t find them wearing a helmet! And you know what they say, they weren’t wearing a helmet so they were asking for me to beat them about the head and face with a baseball bat until they were dead. That was the first guy at least, he almost hit me in the middle of campus going fifteen miles an hour. The next guy was driving in the middle of the goddamn one-lane road on Livi so no one could fucking go around him. I just nudged that guy a little and he went flying into the nature reserve; he was certainly eaten by a wild coyote. The last guy was riding in the double yellow line, let me repeat that, IN THE DOUBLE YELLOW LINE, and then cut across the opening to the parking lot I was leaving. Fuck that guy, totally merked him too. I swear to God, if you’re riding those scooters and endangering the lives of pedestrians and drivers around campus, I will hunt you down like some Liam Neeson shit.