Gary Oldman Retires from Acting After Reading my Tweets Where I Called Him “Gay Old Man”

By Gary Pooper

 

History was made this morning, as Academy Award winner Gary Oldman retired after reading a series of my tweets in which I insisted that his name was actually “Gay Old Man.” According to friends of the now-former actor, Gay Old Man was absolutely devastated after reading my witty comments. “There was no real way to rebut it. He’s 62. He can apply for Medicare in 3 years. He is objectively a gay old man.” Upon reading my tweet, Old Man locked his Twitter account and replaced his profile picture with an empty black screen. It is currently unknown what direction Old Man plans on taking his career, as he has no marketable skills other than yelling really loudly in movies.

I have personally received a lot of hate mail for ruining this man’s career. When asked why I would do such a thing, I tell people this: I am a journalist. It is my job, to tell the truth, no matter how uncomfortable it may be. As Walter Cronkite once said, “Our job is only to hold up the mirror, to tell and show the public what has happened.” You may hate me for what I have done, but know that it was a necessary evil.

Also, I did it because I thought it was funny lmao.

Kamala Harris to Publicly Execute Snoop Dogg

By Harry Nuttsaac

 

Within her first week as Vice President, Kamala Harris has already decided to revert back to the “law and order” tactics she employed as Attorney General of California by announcing that she is set to publicly execute famous chef Calvin Broadus, who has also written under the name “Snoop Dogg.” It has been widely speculated that Broadus smokes marijuana, which was illegal in his and Harris’ home state of California until 2016. Following her inauguration, Harris told White House staff that her first act as Vice President was going to be “to watch them fry Snoop Dogg, that druggy bastard.”

Although the powers of the Vice President do not seem to directly allow for Harris to bring Broadus to trial, much less execute him, Harris orchestrated his arrest and quick conviction by telling the FBI that Broadus had murdered someone in 1993. This allegation does not seem to have much merit to it, considering that Broadus is an upstanding citizen and celebrity, famous for hosting cooking and game shows. Despite how much these charges were filled with holes, a federal judge convicted “the infamous Snoop Dogg” of public endangerment and of attempting to convince minors to use drugs as well, citing music that Broadus had apparently written and performed in the 90s and 2000s.

Harris, known for her obscene and excessive prosecution of black Americans on marijuana-related offenses, appears to be relishing the conviction of Broadus, convincing the judge to allow the execution to be on her terms. Immediately after the trial, the office of the Vice President put out this statement: “On Friday, January 29, I will be personally and publicly executing Snoop Dogg for being a hardened criminal. This will be a sign to all Americans that so long as I have power, no ‘pot’ user will be safe from my clutches. I will find you and put you up alongside the DO Double G as an example. On this note, I am offering a $5 million reward for the whereabouts of Barack Obama, I’ll be damned if that fucker thinks he can get away with smoking a joint in college.”

New Semester: By the Numbers

By: Sports Editor or Something

 

Welcome back to the 2021 Spring semester at Rutgers! Except not really. Still got this online instruction going on. Goddamnit COVID. But that’s okay! The Medium has been going since 1970 here at Rutgers, and I am not going to let that stop now. 

Last semester we had lots of By the Numbers articles in this sports section. So let’s keep that running! Maybe you’ve lost track of time spending everyday indoors at your house quarantined, but I (The Medium Sports Editor) am ready to tell you all about this new semester: By the Numbers! 

(And so what if this is not really a sports article? I dare management not to publish this. And if you are reading this right now, you know who won.)

0 – Assignments I plan on submitting this semester

1 – Class I’ll probably pass using that method

2 – Number of dots on the division sign (What? Yes, that is definitely relevant, tell me how it’s not)

3 – This is our third semester to be at least partially online! Woohoo!

69 – Yes

100 – The percent effort that was put into this article by me (after you multiple by 2 then subtract 200)

420 – Yes

Hope you learned something new!

How to Write a Sports Satire Article

By: A Professional

 

This article is going to be published Wednesday I think (it is Monday right now). And it’s a sports article in The Medium. First issue of the Spring 2021 semester. So what does that mean I write about? Well, the AFC and NFC Championship games were yesterday. The Super Bowl is two weeks away! Just write something about that!

Nah. The thing is, I did not watch those games, so I don’t know what happened. Maybe I could write about the NBA or NHL though. Or the MLB offseason. A lot of things going on there, that should be very easy to satirize. 

But no to that, too. Just not really feeling writing about that right now. That would require actual thought, and then I would need to think of real jokes about the sports, and then enough people would need to find those jokes funny. Real work is not really my speed.

Plus I do not even know much about any of those topics. My knowledge is so limited, my articles might not even make the 300-word minimum or whatever I need for this piece. And I would not want to fall short! 

Falling short is not in my blood. I always must meet expectations! Meeting expectations is my middle name. Not really though, I do not have a middle name.

So yes, that is me. A guy who does not like real work but also does not like failing to meet expectations. 

Important side note here this – word – is the 250th word of this article! That is of course before I proofread and make some edits, so that may not end up being true lmfao. 

Well, now this article is coming to an end (because I am almost at 300!) – and I hope you learned something important. And that something is that to write a good sports satire article, just bullshit your way through until it’s done. Just like what I did for this piece!

Rutgers Coach Greg Schiano Announces he has Tested Negative for COVID-19, Positive for Herpes

By Gary Pooper

 

This Monday morning, football coach Greg Schiano made the strange decision to be much more open to the press than we would have liked. During his weekly press conference, he took the time to reveal the results of his recent COVID test: “So good news, the doctor says I don’t have COVID, but the bad news is that he said I have herpes. Now, this may not seem necessary for the general public to know, but I think it’s important to teach my team the importance of being transparent, so I will now proceed to give a full rundown of how my doctor’s appointment went.”

Schiano went on to spend two whole hours recounting his visit with his doctor. “Yeah, he said that I had the worst case of herpes he’s ever seen in a patient. Which is funny, because I’ve never even had sex before. I don’t even know what sex is. The only thing I know is how to coach college football, and goddamnit I am not ashamed of that.” Schiano then began to weep for 5 minutes before returning back to the story of his doctor’s visit. “Then the doctor called his buddy and said, ‘Hey, guess what? This guy’s got herpes, and he’s never had sex!’ And then he and his buddy on the phone started laughing and I began to cry again.”

When asked for his thoughts on the press conference, Rutgers Quarterback and Senior Noah Vedral only had this to say: “Dude, I have no idea what the fuck that was all about.”

Which of Your Friends are Banging?

By Chill Dude

 

You open your phone on a Wednesday to a text from your homie, Logan.

“The Lawn Mower 3.0 is siiiiccckkkkkk. Manscaped hooked it up.”

While on the surface it seems Logan was simply sharing information on the hot new ball trimmer, his real message is clear: Logan is having sex.

Advertisements for the Manscaped Lawn Mower 3.0 are dominating every airway associated with dudes. They’ve done their research. The Lawn Mower 3.0 is intended for use on your nut sack and dong. Oftentimes, these can be found on dudes. Under the fundamental law of dudes, these dudes with nut sacks and dongs can be broken into two categories—those who are having sex, and those who wish they were having sex. They wish, so dearly, that they were having sex. They really really really wish they were having sex.

If you fall into the second category, you might often find yourself thinking, Which of my boys are banging, and how can I get in on the action? The answers to those questions are simple. Your boys are banging if they’ve got the motherfucking Lawn Mower 3.0. And those boys are banging because they’ve got the motherfucking Lawn Mower THREE POINT FUCKING ZERO.

With the Lawn Mower 3.0, anything is possible. You can steal your dad’s buddy’s wife. You can steal your dad’s buddy’s wife’s friend who’s married to some other schmuck. You can apologize to those guys and offer to trim their balls free of charge. Now you’re cracking beers with two new pals. All of this can be yours for the low price of 79.99. Head over to https://www.manscaped.com/ and use the promo code “SorryAboutYourWifeBro.YouJustGottaGetYourGrooveBack.Let’sHitTheClub” to receive 

$10.00 off your purchase.

 

Sponsored by Manscaped

How to be the Sexiest Person on Your Zoom Call

By: PP Harding

  1. Turn on your fucking camera you lazy piece of shit.
  2. Take a shower ya stinky… seriously, it’s been days.
  3. Show up completely naked (it’s not like the professor is going to figure out how to kick you out before the class ends).
  4. Use the old tissues that you’ve cried into because online classes are a waste of your time and money and shove them down your shirt to make your bust really pop.
  5. Use the background feature to make it look like you’re sitting on a casting couch.

Best Ways to Use Your MyPillow During an Insurrection

By Chill Dude

  1. Hit some Z’s — I know, it does not seem smart to enter such a vulnerable position when you are revolting against the government. The good news is if you’re a white supremacist you will not be harmed. For an enhanced experience, consider inviting a police officer in for a spoon. 
  2. Prank someone — For most insurrectionists, the willingness to take blind orders from a man named “Q” stems from their love of the family-friendly prank show Impractical Jokers. If this applies to you, use your MyPillow to get off some gags. In a crowd of people who DO NOT get offended and ARE NOT snowflakes, anything you do will be met with tranquility and understanding.
  3. Respectfully put to rest the police officer you just killed — After your cuddle session with your dreamy boy in blue, you remember that you are in a death cult and get that signature taste for blood. Your next move is to senselessly beat this man to death in the name of freedom. BUT. You. Respect. Law. Enforcement. Thankfully, you have your MyPillow to give the officer the latest in sleep technology during his eternal rest.
  4. Defend against communists — There’s one on your right. Your blindside. God damn it they’re everywhere. Luckily, they have never benched pressed in their entire lives. Dominate them with your MyPillow.
  5. Raise it in replace of the American flag — Any true patriot knows that one’s loyalty should not go to the institutions of democracy but instead to the latest cool business guy. In eighth grade, I stopped pledging allegiance to the flag and started pledging allegiance to cool stock guy Jordan Belfort. With cool casino guy Donald Trump out of office, the next manly ass whiskey drinkin’ cigar smokin’ sick ass CEO is MyPillow guy. In his name we pray.

Point/Counterpoint: Sakai

Point: Sakai is an undying shit pile

Hey folks my name is Chris and I’m a student that’s fucking tired of using Sakai. They said it would be phased out of use like two years ago. I don’t know what’s harder to kill and keep dead, Jesus Christ himself or this fucking website.

Counterpoint: Hey this is Alfredo Spice, the newest Rutgers professor in town. I have a PhD so I don’t have to change for you. In fact, since I’m a professor, you’re inferior to me. I don’t wear a mask around you because of COVID; I do it so I don’t have to share my air with you and your stupid little lungs. Learn to open two tabs at once instead of relying on that Canvas baby shit.

Point: At what point does this terror end? How am I supposed to keep up with the hidden readings that you sneak under the modules AND assignments tab and THEN go over to Sakai? I have a beer in one hand and the computer mouse in the other, I can only do so much. Kill off Sakai so I can keep my tabs down to three at once: Canvas, some Buzzfeed list, and WebMD articles explaining why I shit myself sometimes.

Counterpoint: As a direct result of the bullshit I just had to listen to, I am going to make sure that Sakai survives indefinitely. You are doomed to a college career full of Canvas AND Sakai…and shit stains, apparently.

Rutgers Entertainment Weekly