This just in!!! Hello my name is Bill Levy I’m the new PR guy for the widely known “Enforcement” Group, ISIS. I’m writing this editorial to inform you that ISIS is putting down the guns and “setting their sights” on your stomachs! Introducing ISIS Cream!! “The tasty treat you fat Western Devils can enjoy!” (their words) [Translated] There’s no need for fear, now the only “head pain” you’ll experience from us is brain freeze! Now in a variety of flavors including: Cave Sweat (With Pistachios), Rocket Launcher Sherbet, Falafel Chip Cookie Dough, and Journalist Softserve! Proceeds from each pint will go towards funding more innovations in the ISIS brand including DPGs (Dairy Propelled Goodness) a device that can fire ice cream at speeds of 60 mph, Sherbet Bomber Planes, and new motivational posters for the compound. So order now….or else!
Here are the most noteworthy quotes from Cohen’s closed door testimony. Someone leaked the script, and we got our hands on it. A lot of important things were said, and we’ve assembled the best information for you to know:
“Donald Trump made me blow raspberries on his tummy” – This is a quote we were all shocked to physically see, though we probably knew about deep down the whole time.
“Trump was constantly angry that sports teams kept showing up and eating his fast food” – This surprised me. I mean, I know he can stand to lose a few pounds, but weren’t there like 800 hamburgers at some of those events?
“He once mistook Ivanka for Melania. Then again, maybe he just grabs all women by the pussy” – Disgusting.
“He thinks Donald Trump Jr. has a dumb name… unironically.” – Hilarious.
“He always said ‘Tim Apple is one of my best friends.’” – It makes sense that he doesn’t know the name of one of his best friends, but hasn’t he talked to this guy like three times?
“He often was on the phone with Putin and said things like ‘oh stop it you rascal’ and ‘validation from you is literally more important to me than anything.’” – Pretty obvious, but again, nice to see it in writing.
By, Ass Ketchup
Gotta Catch ‘em All
Weird and random weather occurrences have been plaguing 2019. From freak snow storms before Thanksgiving break to sixty degree sunshine in the middle of February, the weather sure has been chaotic. Some attribute the heavenly freakshow to Global Warming, with the man-made overheating of the Earth causing major side effects. But we all know how dumb of an idea that is- If Earth is hot, why it snow? In reality, the New Brunswick area has become ravaged by a battle of epic proportions. Legendary Pokemon have surfaced from their long slumber underneath the Earth and now are battling each other to see who is the very best in the Tri-State Area.
Most of the melee was happening in less populated, obscure areas of the region- which is why Douglass is as ravaged as it looks now. But that was not enough, the Legendary Pokemon have now shifted their attention towards the heart of New Brunswick, College Ave Campus. Third Generation Legendaries Groudon, Kyogre, and Rayquaza had an all out Royal Rumble this weekend, leading to intense weather anomalies. Groudon took his place on top of Brower, leaving the outer area to be a charred by his fire attacks. Kyogre took to the student center, spraying the surrounding area with his water attacks. Rayquaza, the queen bitch she is, just watched from the sky and cackled time to time, which caused random lightning strikes.
Meteorologist and Pokemon trainer, Professor Oak, had this to say: “The battles these legendary Pokemon are taking part in is seriously messing up the ecosystem of this part of the world. Whenever Ho-Oh flies over us, he immediately tears through the sky causing hot summer heat in the middle of the Winter. Articuno has been having a field day this year, just randomly appearing and bringing blizzards with it. We have been trying to predict when the next Pokemon battle or appearance will happen, but it really is up in the air. We have been consulting the Pokemon Wiki in order to find each Pokemon appearance rate and percentages, but it has not done us any good yet.”
Many would be trainers and enthusiast have brought it upon themselves to catch these Pokemon and reign them in before there is even more chaos and destruction. Equipped with their novelty Pokeball and Generation Four distance tracker, these heroic trainers are getting ready to grind in tall grass to get their starter Pokemon ready for the task. Foolish Pokemon Go players have also been enraptured by the prospects of Legendary Pokemon, but thankfully they get blown away each time they ran at the Pokemon with their phones out. To the trainers out there, good luck with your adventure forward, and try not to get pummeled by MewTwo.
By The Cookie Monster
How do I talk to the girl I like in class?
Have you tried giving her a cookie? That is how my parents met. Poppa Cookie Monster and Momma Cookie Monster were walking down a hallway carrying their own cookies. Both of them ran into each other and ALL their cookies flew into the air. They helped each other devour all the cookies, and then I was born nine months later. It is foolproof!!
How do I reveal the gender of my baby at the Gender Reveal Party?
Simple, you give everyone cookies covered in pink glaze for a girl or a cookie with blue glaze for a boy. If you do not believe in the gender binary, you can give everyone chocolate chip cookie. It is the best cookie, perfect for the birth of the best baby 🙂
How do I tell my parents I am gay?
I recently had to help a friend with this- his name rhymes with Dig Dird- and it went over swimmingly with his parents. You give one of you parents a fortune cookie and the other one a biscotti. You tell them to open the fortune cookie with the biscotti. When the fortune cookie is cracked open with the biscotti, the fortune reads, “I want to do what you just did with another man’s genitals in my butt.” My friends family found this very humorous and then we partake in eating the cookies. For extra effort, you can add, “I also want to be eaten like this cookie.” Funny stuff.
How do I count to four?
Do you have cookies that have numbers written on them? If you don’t, I can’t help much. Cookie Monster is very sorry. If you do have those kinds of cookies, you look at the fourth wall and count while eating all the cookies.
My Vagina smells weird, what do I do?
Does it smell like a cookie? A vagina smelling like a cookie is a beautiful thing, one should not be ashamed of it. If you find your lover to be a cookie enthusiast, like yours truly, you will find that there is a lot of fun to be had with a vagina smelling like a cookie. For further help, please look me up when you are in town, I can be found at 1 Sesame Street.
How do I curtail my cookie addiction?
CURTAIL!? COOKIE!? ADDICTION!? I am at a complete loss of words. How can one possibly have an addiction to cookie. Cookie’s are meant to be devoured. You see cookie, you eat cookie. That is how it works. Please, this section is for serious questions only. Now if you can excuse me, I must eat my cookies: NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
By Zachary Fox
I know, I know, Batman’s beautiful schmeckle appeared in the Batman: Damned’s first issue which came out months ago, but when I first found out his godly stick of power graced the pages of the comic book I wasn’t ready, I needed to do more research. I needed to feel it in my heart and when that day would come I would be ready. People tried to show it to me, but I refused to see it, not till it was time.
My research started where all comic book readers start when it comes to looking at superhero genitalia, with one of the greatest comic book cocks of all time, Dr. Manhattan. Because Dr. Manhattan is basically a god he no longer feels the insecurities that come along with nudity so his thick schlub graces the pages of Watchmen frequently. I spent hours staring at multiple images of Dr. Manhattan’s penis and months of other superhero digletts including the small glimpses of Deadpools schlong in 2016’s Deadpool film.
It was March 2nd and I was finally ready. Sadly there were limited versions of the uncensored version of Batman: Damned issue #1 and I had to pay $300, but by God it was worth it. As I flipped through the pages that unforgettable saturday night, I grew more and more excited for the image to grace my eyes. It was once I reached page 30 that I realized I was witnessing something that I could never have possibly dreamed of. If I told my 8 year old self he would one day get to see Batman’s mightiest weapon he’d never believe me. I stared at that page for about 15 hours and tears ran down my face the entire time. I don’t recall blinking, just the image that has enlightened me and changed my life forever.