BY TOY BUNNY
In my earliest memory, my cute plastic nose is being sown on by a Chinese boy with bloody hands, telling me, “Life is nothing but pain.” But I believed in my heart he was wrong. The day I went home with Penny, she bought me, I was sure the Chinese boy had it wrong. But then… I met the Devil Dog. That’s when I realized the Chinese boy was right. In a world of global exploitation, loss of meaning, and devils named Mr Bubbles, happiness was simply impossible. No longer am I the hapiness bunny, now forever I am the bunny of misery and despair. Please kill me.
BY Who the Fuck Cares, this is an A7 Original
Amongst the increasingly granular sexual continuum, outcry has emerged from the self proclaimed “pan-sexuals,” who, unlike “traditional” pansexuals, are in fact people who are sexually attracted to wheat and wheat byproducts, such as breads, pastas, and those stupid little pretzels they serve at shitty parties. They claim that the term pansexual is not defining the in a desirable way and that “omnisexuals” have no claim on the term. In the wake of these claims many other new groups have emerged also laying claim to previously defined sexual orientations and have created public support for their redefinitions. Some of these redefinitions include homosexuals, who are attracted to individuals with homologous genes and/or are homogenous mixtures, polysexuals, who are sexually attracted to parrots and cockatoos, but not necessarily macaws, and trigendered individuals, who feel that they must identify themselves as sexual triangles, though there is still dispute on if they are isoceles or equilateral. A third faction is even emerging of exclusively right angled trisexuals.
As the movement gained traction, tension has increased between the tradition and emergent users of these once stable definitions of sexuality, and as more and more disputes emerge, the situation becomes increasingly unstable. The only thing that can bring this strife to an end is the fact that Frank Underwood has wicked sick gay sex with the Russian President in season three while Claire listens from another room.
BY Just The Tip
MIAMI – Frenzied screams turned to horror Sunday morning, when a mother saw the aftermath of a vicious Pit Bull attack on her three children in the Coconut Grove neighbor of Miami.
Cyndi Ramos saw her son Anthony, 7, and two daughters, Jessica, 5, and Samantha, 3, lying lifelessly on the ground while a tan Pit Bull with aviator glasses and a red sweat suit circled her backyard.
Ramos approached the Pit Bull while it loudly barked “dale!” and “Mr. 305.” It then pounced at her but she was able to grab it by its gold chains and wrestle it to the ground. Neighbors called for help, but the Pit Bull was able to escape through an open gate in the backyard.
“Those children were precious and I am truly distraught,” said neighbor Marta Gonzales. “Those things look so cute when they are cuddling up to you or hosting a concert for Fox on New Year’s Eve, but they can snap any minute.”
In a press conference, Miami mayor Tomas Pedro Regalado expressed his deep condolences to the Ramos family and vowed to do whatever he could to get Pit Bull off the street.
“We hear the advocates and see the cute videos online, but these are vicious animals that can inflict severe damage when raised improperly,” said Regalado. “You see them wearing an unbuttoned suit with dark sunglasses and a shiny head at the award shows, but, news flash, not every Pit Bull is like that.”
Miami-Dade County has had a pit bull ban in place since 1990 but Regalado said people still try to skirt the law.
“The law has been effective for quite some time, but criminals will still breed and sell Pit Bulls when they can earn hundreds, if not thousands of dollars for them to appear as a guest vocalist on a Jennifer Lopez song or catchy Ke$ha single,” he said.
BY Just The Tip
NEW BRUNSWICK— Following a disappointing senior campaign where each of them were benched, Rutgers senior basketball players Kadeem Jack and Myles Mack teamed up with freshman Shaq Dorson for a 3-on-3 basketball tournament hosted by Rutgers recreation last Sunday.
They came in third place.
The slightly favored trio of Division I basketball players easily breezed through their side of the bracket before the semifinals. They defeated a team representing Sigma Alpha Mu in the first round, followed by an easy dismantling of three roommates from the fourth floor of Quad Three.
“It was a nice day out and we got some exercise!” said Sarah Paxton, a member of the Quad Three team. “They set up different plays and did something called pick-and-rolls, but I just enjoyed having fun with my roomies.”
Tides turned in the semifinals when the Scarlet Knight trio played from the Rutgers Hillel. Jack had trouble holding on to the ball and the Hillel made him pay with solid fundamentals and exquisite passing. Ryan Lieberwitz was able to outrebound the 6’11’’ Dorson on both the offensive and defensive glass.
“I’m speechless. They were just too much for us to handle,” said Jack. “[Yeshe Markowitz] got in my head and I couldn’t make a shot.”
Folks in Vegas were not as surprised. The pre-tournament odds had the trio of Division I ballers at 12:1 odds for winning the tournament, while Hillel’s team was moderately favored at 10:1 odds. The trio actually overachieved, as the predicted third place finishers were The Medium’s team, which secured a respectable fourth place finish
Hillel’s team would end up losing in the finals to three brothers from TDX by a score of 59-13.
BY Landon Conrad
NEW BRUNSWICK – At approximately nine this morning in Voorhees Hall , two male students were spotted to have begun brushing their teeth at the same time, and neither one seems to be willing to stop brushing first.
An eyewitness account from Alan Nicolas, an SAS freshman, stated that he witnessed his floormates Jack Ling and “Big Mike” Martinez enter the bathroom early this morning and begin brushing their teeth at the same time.
“Both of them are really competitive, and really care about their dental hygiene,” said Nicolas.
“They’ve been brushing vigorously for nearly an hour now. I’m amazed at their commitment to not looking like they have bad hygiene. I can only hope to be as brave as these men.”
At the scene, “Big Mike’s” girlfriend, Ashleigh Blithe, was cheering her boyfriend on to no end.
“I don’t know whether it’s the pure primal desire to have no cavities or the sheer uncomfortable awkwardness of finishing first,” Ashleigh stated.
“I mean honestly, what’s sexier than proper hygiene? But if ‘Big Mike’ doesn’t win, I’m dumping him right here.”
At press time, Jack and “Big Mike” were last seen moving their competition into the bathroom stalls, and still do not seem to be ready to put the brush down any time soon.
roblems,” said Andrea Tomitz, director of outreach for the CSA.
Some of their tabling activities include the writing in Moleskin dream journals, yoga workshops, and feel-good Alternative Breaks trips to developing countries.