Category Archives: News

Marvel Stages Mass Shooting to Announce Season 2 of Punisher

By Kyle MeDaddy
Doesn’t Like Nazis

HOLLYWOOD — In the midst of all the excitement for films such as Avengers Infinity war, Ant Man and the Wasp, and Luke Cage Season 2, marvel studios marketing executive, Michael Pasciullo, thought it would be a great idea to stage a mass shooting to announce the release date for Punisher Season 2. Sadly, the stunt did not get the publicity Pasciullo was looking for.

The plan was to use special effects and several different actors to stage the look of a villian running rampant in time square. Pasciullo had Ben Barnes, who was to return for the role as Billy Russo, played the role of the shooter, in hopes that people would recognize him and know it was a publicity stunt. When the “shooting” began everyone had no idea it was staged and ran screaming in horror and eventually the police were called.

It was believed that all precincts were notified of the event to avoid in complications, but one precinct did not get the memo. From the 38th New York police precinct came five police cars with two officers each. Barnes believing the officers were actors began firing his weapon, filled with blanks, at them. Because of this, police then proceeded to shoot and kill Ben Barnes. It was not until Jon Bernthal, dressed in his punisher armor, yelled from the one of the rooftops, “stop this Russo, it’s me you want!!!” he then looked down and saw his co-star dead in the center of the square. “I said it was a bad idea, but they were telling me everything was taken care of,” Bernthal said with tears for the death of his friend and coworker.

Pasciullo was unable to comment, due to the fact that he is know where to be found. The last person to have contact with him was a coworker who called him to tell him what happened. “When I told him, he seemed like he was in a rush and he told me to tell his family he would be home as soon as all this blows over.” There is a warrant out for Pasciullo, but he is nowhere to be found.

Breaking: U. Club President Murdered near Livingston Bus Stop

By Walter Cronkite Jr.
Doesn’t Care

PISCATAWAY — Andrew Blustein, head of student-led satirical publication The Medium, was found dead early Wednesday morning at the Livingston Plaza bus stop, according to Rutgers police. “The body of senior Andrew Blustein was found at 3 a.m. Wednesday,” said chief of University police Kenneth Cop. “Evidence points to foul play, and we are gathering information on suspects. The Rutgers community is deeply saddened by the loss. We have no further comment.”

According to people familiar with the situation, the main suspects are the remaining executive members of The  Medium, a weekly printed satirical newspaper, dubbed Rutgers’ Entertainment Weekly. For a more detailed breakdown of the suspects, see inside.

“We just can’t believe this happened,” said managing editor Jake Goldstein, one of the suspects according to the people. “I saw him yesterday and he was fine. We were all at trivia night. I mean–I just don’t know what to say.”

Goldstein, along with most members of The Medium, did not comment on being a suspect in the case.

“Yeah, I know I’m a suspect,” said Dan Cratella, the page A7 editor who was the only member to comment on the situation.

“People never trust me, but it’s fine, I don’t care. I have an alibi. I can tell you it right now if you want. I mean I know I probably shouldn’t, but believe me I have one. Search my car if you want to– it’s sad, yeah it’s sad–but I didn’t do it so just search whatever I’m innocent.”

University police would not comment further on an open investigation, but did say New Brunswick police are getting involved.

“Murder?!,” said opinions editor Marissa Schwartz, who is the only one to request counsel. “Oh god! They’re going to blame me, I just know it.”

10 Year Old Becomes Poster Child for Child Abuse

By Mike Hawk
Pelvis Safety Officer

New Orleans, LA — This past Sunday was the Tag-Team championship Wrestlemania Match. Braun Strowman, a competitor in the in the match on Sunday needed to think fast when he learned that his teammate would be unable to participate. Confident in his own skills, he chose a 10 year old to become his mock partner while he did the heavy lifting within the match. The only issue is, he won. Now Braun Strowman and his 10 year old partner are co-champs in the Wrestlemania tag-team category. This has lit a fire under every wrestler’s heart as they all vowed to de-throne the child.

Roman Reigns – a competitor from Sunday’s competition had this to say. “Oh I’m gonna fuck that kid up. Yuuuup. I said it. I’m gonna fuck him up real bad. You see, wrastlin’ is a man’s sport and I’ll be damned if I let this BOY outshine me on my territory! I’m fucking Roman Reigns bitch!” This response in particular is what prompted an outcry of criticism from Wrestlemania fans and parents alike.

The argument is that the child was only a mock partner and should not be subjected to any further matches. The counter argument however is that Braun is required to have a teammate to hold his title and it does not appear he is going to be letting go of his title anytime soon so the 10 year old is fair game.

Study Finds Giving Blood Once a Day Reduces Risk of High Blood Pressure

By Shae D. Findings
Reliable Source

NEW YORK — Many Americans admit that they are a bit nervous about giving blood, but according to a 2018 study posted in Health magazine, there are some incredible benefits. The study found that donating one pint of your blood every day will actually decrease your chances of having high blood pressure. The researchers tested the blood pressures of 20 randomly selected participants, with 10 giving blood every day. The results showed that within just one week, the participants felt less pain, had lighter skin, and their blood pressure had dropped by over 90%!

“A lot of people have the misconception that because they feel a little sick after donating their blood that it is not good for them, but I actually recommend to donors that they give as much as they can”, explains American Red Cross nurse Jackie Nyurblüd. “Sometimes I’ll even just let people go again right after.”

We asked some of the folks that participated in the study how they felt afterwards to get a sense of the miracles of blood donation for
ourselves.

“Oh man I just feel so relaxed, like all the stresses of modern life have been sucked away. I feel like I can just lay on this hospital bed forever,” said Amanda Owen, with a glazed look of pure joy on her face. “I would give it two thumbs up if I could lift my arms.”

“I fel gret. Relly”, said Rich Calour, after peeing the bed from excitement.

“……………………………………………………..” said Steph Korbs, who has apparently been asleep for 4 straight days.

So whether you’re nervous about needles, or just a little skeptical about the whole process, rest assured, it can not only save someone
else’s life, but it can save yours too. You can never give too much!

Full Week of School Surprises Students

Early Monday morning students at Rutgers University were stunned by the five-day forecast: no winter storm this week. “But I brought my sled to school this week!”, says Katherine Miller, an aspiring Olympic luger. After not having a full week of school for three weeks, students gathered near the one shit-laden hill next to Hill Center to ponder what the week has to hold. “Fuck, now I actually have to go to Organic Chemistry on Wednesdays”, says one student while another, in disbelief, chirped, “I will not leave here until the next snow storm.” The
small hill, once snow laden and seen as an escape from the horrors of what the campus holds, was now a sludge of mud and filth. “How does something with so much life giving power one week prove to be a breeding ground for such demonic geese another?”, says Antoine Dingle, a student pursuing a minor Philosophy. A vigil is planned this Wednesday at Hill Center to remember the memories a few students have lost.

Wu-Tang Clan Surprises at Core Fest

By Goldilocks
Luscious

This past week, 90.3 The Core, Livingston Campus’s radio station put on Core Fest at the College Avenue Student Center and the concert did not fail to impress. The Core was able to secure a complete reunion of the original members of Wu-Tang Clan who performed hits including “Protect Ya Neck,” “C.R.E.A.M,” and, “Bring Da Ruckus,” to rousing applause from the College Avenue crowd. After the concert, addressing the crowd GZA said “While he’s no longer able to participate in our concerts, ODB is always in our hearts, and sends his regards, duhdahduhdahduhdah.” With this, GZA led the crowd in a moment of silence to honor the fallen clan member.

In addition to Wu-Tang headlining, the Core was also able to secure a set from Japanese Breakfast. The food, a traditional meal of grilled fish, miso soup, rice, onsen tamago, nori and Japanese pickles was much appreciated by the crowd who had grown hungry following the
all-day event.

Overall Corefest 2018 was a smashing success and the Medium appreciates being allowed to cover the event.