Category Archives: News

Class Too Small to Go Without Acknowledging Professor

BY Dale
Just Wants a Hula Hoop

NEW BRUNSWICK — Just before walking into class, junior Adrianna Canillo was forced to put on a half-smile and wave uninspiringly as she passed her professor of Sports Writing and Reporting, a class of only 25 people.

Canillo arrived to class early and walked by her professor, Allen Roberts, sitting outside class. The two made eye contact, and because the class is so small, were forced to make light of each other’s presence.

“Yeah this is the only reason why large classes are better,” said Canillo, who is majoring in Journalism and Media Studies. “In those classes I can walk by my professors and ignore them without a problem. But in these small classes, I feel so awkward if I do that.”

According to multiple student reports, there is always a moment of hesitancy when seeing professors of small classes outside of the classroom. Students usually first analyze their relationship with the professor, physical distance from the professor and whether or not the professor is interacting with other people.

“I usually try to go on my phone or put my in earbuds,” said Canillo, who is now too deep into her major to take large classes, which would negate this issue. “But in this case, I didn’t have time. He was like right there. I’ve only spoken up in class like three times, so I didn’t know if he recognized me or not. I panicked.”

Canillo apparently felt incredibly uncomfortable during her awkward greeting. Her relationship with the professor is neither too distant to warrant ignoring him, nor close enough to demand a friendly gesture.

“Honestly I wish I just ignored him,” added Canillo. “What was I thinking. Now he’s gonna expect something from me in class. I just sit there and go on my phone and search for internships. This wave is gonna change everything.”

Fraternities Promoting Sexual Violence Awareness Still Require Ratio

BY Walter Cronkite Jr
Greek Life Insider

NEW BRUNSWICK — Not seeing the explicit irony, fraternities at Rutgers continue to advocate for the prevention of sexual violence while forcing all male, non-guest list partygoers to have ratio.

“Hey bro, I only see three girls and one of you,” Beta Rho Omega brother Arnie van Jaaran reportedly said, whose fraternity was enforcing a 6-to-1 female-to-male ratio Friday. “I can’t let you in unless you got more girls, yo. But while I have you here, would you care to make a donation to RAINN, the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization?”

This is not an isolated incident, as reportedly every fraternity that is not guest-list only continues to use ratio at parties year after year. The reported minimum ratio is 4-to-1 at Tau Iota Tau, yet the reported minimum amount of service hours per brother at Rutgers is 10 a semester, though the message and actions do not seem to resonate.

ratio
RAINN IS LUCKY TO HAVE ARNIE Hey man equality is just the right thing to do

“Yeah we do a lot of work with The Office for Violence Prevention and Victim Assistance, which provides an amazing service on campus that I really recommend people use,” said Sam Young, president of Alpha Sigma Sigma. “At the same time, though, we can’t be throwing sausagefests every weekend. Frankly, girls should see it as a compliment. They’re desirable. As a reward, guys that pull get to party, and girls are given free drinks and get to swat away unwanted advances.”

When asked about the apparent hypocrisy, Young did not see it.

“Nah we have inter-fraternal meetings all the time, and we always congratulate each other on the positive impact we have on the culture of sexual violence prevention on this campus.”

The office of Fraternity & Sorority Affairs did not make an official comment on the issue, but did note fraternity contributions to the cause, both monetarily and through volunteer hours.

When asked, most independent students on campus were indifferent on the issue.
“It’s whatever,” said senior Jessica Hernandez. “I go to the bars now.”

Student From South Jersey Finds Out Area Was Part of Union

BY Grind All
Masshole

CHERRY HILL — In a shocking turn of events local South Jersey resident Karen Hall recently found out that South Jersey was in fact part of the Union during the Civil War rather than the confederacy. This revelation came after Hall enrolled in an American History class during her second semester at Rutgers. As the class was wrapping up Hall realized that she had hardly attended class and in order to pass the final she would need to actually open the textbook. But when she sat down this past Monday to finally read about some good old American history she found herself paralyzed by shock when she got to the history of the Civil War section. Right there in writing was the listing of the states that fought for the Confederacy in the 1860s.

“I just sat there re-reading it over and over again!” exclaimed Hall. “Right there it said South Carolina, Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Texas, Virginia, Arkansas, Tennessee, and North Carolina! No mention of Jersey!”

Hall attempted to calm herself down by telling herself that Virginia was close to Jersey so maybe South Jersey was actually a part of Virginia in the 1800s! Unfortunately, to her dismay she turned the page and was greeted with a map that outlined where the Confederacy ended and the Union started, which made it very obvious that South Jersey was a part of the Union.

“I was just so shocked,” she stated. “I mean the Union?! The icky no fun Union that wanted to CRUSH personal rights and take away Southern pride and heritage?!”
Enraged by this and still not totally believing what she saw, Hall stormed to her professor’s office demanding an explanation. The professor had no idea who Hall was and was reportedly concerned that Hall not only had no idea that New Jersey was a part of the Union but that she was upset by it.

“I thought I had some real Southern heritage in me!” cried Hall with a fake southern drawl in a recent phone interview.

According to her roommate, Hall has not left her room since reading the passage insisting she is going through an “identity crisis” citing that even though her family has lived in South Jersey since America’s birth, she does not know who her ancestors are anymore. Hall’s friend Chantel, a black woman, tried to sympathize with her stating she knew none of her ancestors because they were slaves that were not recorded in a censuses but Hall insisted it wasn’t the same and her situation was much worse.

No word on when Hall will exit her room or whether she has even accepted this fact yet.

‘BUTGERS DAY’ ACCIDENTALLY PRINTED ON RUTGERS DAY T-SHIRTS

BY Radio Raheem
Butt Pun Enthusiast

NEW BRUNSWICK— In an unfortunate slip-up, Rutgers Student Involvement accidentally printed “Butgers Day” on every single T-shirt for the massive event this weekend. This is a massive PR nightmare for Rutgers, who will no doubt have to scramble to try to fix this enormous mistake before Saturday.

“We’re well and truly fucked here,” says President Barchi. Ideally, Rutgers would just order new shirts with the correct logo. However, because half of the annual budget was spent on the misprinted shirts, ordering the same amount of shirts again would cut the rest of the budget. There would be no athletics, no theatre performances, scientific research, or money for student clubs.

Butgers
WHATUPGERS Well that’s a giant fucking mistake

A student representative declined to comment on the exact amount that was spent but implied that it was well over $500,000 since they splurged on shirts made of Mexican alpaca hair.

Student Involvement is looking into changing the annual event to Butgers Day to accommodate for the eye-wateringly asinine amount of money they spent on these shirts.

Man Hesitant to Go Back To Big Spoon After Wild, Accidental Night As Little Spoon

BY Grind All
Related to Kenny G

NEW JERSEY- Local man Dan Bahru recently experienced the heaven that is being the little spoon while cuddling. Reports say that Bahru was sleeping over his girlfriend Cecilia Bank’s house last Saturday when the event took place. Apparently in the middle of night Bahru got up to go to the bathroom. The movement ended up disturbing Banks just slightly enough for her to roll over. When Bahru returned to his normal spot in the bed he found himself in the little spoon position.

“At first I didn’t know what to do,” said Bahru. “Should I flip her over? Should I just go back to my normal position and face back-to-back with her?”

After a couple moments of deliberation Bahru hesitantly slide into bed at the little spoon. Almost immediately Banks reached out her arms in her sleep and pulled Bahru to her chest, completing the little spoon event.

“The first moment of being little spoon was shocking to say the least,” continued Bahru. “All of the sudden I was surrounded with this warmth and sense of security. I almost started crying”.

Bahru reportedly spent the next 30 minutes reveling in the newfound sensation of little spoon all while trying to suppress emotions he has not felt since he was last hugged by his father 10 years ago. He was also apparently silently cursing out his girlfriend for keeping the amazingness of the little spoon a secret for all these years. Had she been awake she would have heard him murmuring “selfish” under his breath before snuggling his back into her stomach further.

This feeling of total bliss did not last forever though. After awaking the next morning to his girlfriend getting ready for the day, the overwhelming realization that he would have to, again, go back to being the big spoon set in.

“I don’t know if I can do it,” he sighed. “I mean after an experience like that? How the hell am I supposed to go back to feeling the cold air of loneliness hitting my back?”

Bahru is reportedly still trying to figure out how to manipulate his girlfriend’s sleeping position each night so that he can go back to being the little spoon without the confrontation with his girlfriend.

Sean Spicer Writes Children’s Book

BY Barbara Not Walters
Eyebrow Expert

WASHINGTON D.C. – National Press Secretary Sean Spicer is preparing to branch out from his White House position, and has started by writing his very own children’s book. The 8-page picture book, titled “Chicken Soup for the Repressed Soul,” has been a passion project for Spicer.

“As a kid, I never read any books that I felt were relatable I mean come on, ‘The Giving Tree,’ ‘Charlotte’s Web,” fucking ‘Night’ by Elie Wiesel?! How could anyone expect me to relate to that? That’s why I wrote my book I wanted little angry white kids across the country to understand the pain of not being able to speak a proper sentence,” Spicer said in a long, drawn out statement.

Spicer has been under fire lately for controversial statements made during his press conferences, and many have suspected that his time as Press Secretary is coming to an end. Acknowledging such, Spicer apparently decided that now was the time to get his book published, despite everyone around him begging him not to.

“Chicken Soup for the Repressed Soul” chronicles the quest of a pudgy, red-faced young boy as he searches for a bowl of chicken soup not made at a Chinese restaurant.

“I truly hope that my book becomes a success, and is taught in various concentration camps wait shit, that’s not what I meant obviously I mean Holocaust Centers, I hear kids learn a lot at those place and I fully support them in every way someone please help me I cannot stop talking this has been a constant problem my entire life is this punishment for not reading ‘Anne Frank’ as a kid oh fuck fuck.”

Man Removed From United Airlines Plane in Mid Flight

BY Spectral Gumball
Not Kenny G 😦

NEW YORK – Paying United Airlines customer Fred Mulgrew was forcibly shoved out of the window of a United Airlines airplane as a result of the flight being overbooked.

At the time, the airplane was thousands of feet above Carlyle, Pennsylvania.

Police response to Mulgrew’s refusal to leave was to break both of his legs, gouge his left eye out, set his genitals on fire, and force him to listen to a Justin Bieber album.

“It was horrific. I tried to ignore the scene and relax, but I could still hear the screams, smell the fire, and worst of all, I heard a tone deaf woman singing about babies.” Said United passenger Carly Napoli.

United Airlines issued a statement defending the actions of the airplane law enforcement.

“A few years back, some unrelated guy also named Fred robbed a liquor store. That justifies our actions.” Explains United Airlines C.E.O. Oscar Munoz.

Munoz claimed to be pleasantly surprised at the degree of depravity his workers showed in a company email.

“The Bieber album was a nice touch. I never would’ve thought of that.” Munoz said.
Mulgrew’s corpse was discovered in a Pennsylvanian farm, when he fell on a cow. The cow was rushed to a vet, and is expected to make a full recovery.

“We asked Mr. Mulgrew to leave nicely, but he refused.” Said Airline Police Officer Oliver Reddin. “So we threw him off the plane. After torturing him.”