Valentine’s Day might be a distant memory, but NASA is still hung up on it. They had sent the Mars rover, Opportunity, the message: “Will you be my Valentine?” The message had been meticulously crafted after it went through a grueling experimentation process. After crunching the numbers, they believed they were ready to pop the question. Alas, a response never came.
Struck down in the worst possible way, NASA was ghosted by Opportunity. The Rover refuses to answer any of NASA’s subsequent messages. It was a disaster at NASA, with the whole facility going through emotional turmoil. The staff expressed their opinion on the rejection, many taking it better then others.
One well adjusted NASA engineer said, “Honestly, I don’t blame it. Long distance relationships are tough, especially the 54.6 lightyear ones. I have no ill will toward Oppie, it was a great listener and would always be willing to do any little thing we asked, no the size of the rock to hold. I wish it the best on Mars and hopefully it would look back to our time together affectionately.”
Another NASA employee took it a bit personally: “Honestly, I know we aren’t great, but now I just feel like crap. There are so many other Space organizations to compete with and I can’t help but be jealous. What if Opportunity would say yes to the Russians or the Chinese? I know for damn well the Indians were trying to slide into the DMs of the moon rovers, what if it enticed our Opportunity? Honestly, I just look in the in the mirror and try to hold back the tears. I thought what we had was real.”
A particularly bitter scientist is pretty sure about his stance on the rejection: “Honestly, screw Opportunity, that chubby six wheeled cunt. We don’t need Opportunity at all, it’s a fat slut that is going to die alone for being as frigid as Mars’ South Pole. It’s probably on Olympus Mons mingling it’s extending camera with a bigger, blacker, Elon Musk Rover. Planning some interplanetary orgy. Well good riddance, we don’t need it. We got plenty of other Rovers to choose from, we are practically swimming in them.”
All of the responses by the NASA employees basically fit under these categories – taking it well, very insecure, or extremely bitter. All now NASA has to do now is to take a deep breath and move on. As the bitter scientist put it, “Life on Mars? Fuck no, Opportunity is a cold heartless bitch!”