By Bradley “Brad” Tanner
Streetwise Suburban White Facebook Rapper Correspondent
On April 19th, humanity was blighted by the most unfathomable blight, and assailed by a reflection of it’s visage at it’s ugliest: I am of course talking about the asinine, dogshit ensemble charity “song” by alleged “professional rapper” and “comedian” David “Lil Dicky” Burd, known as “Earth”. Featuring musical cameos from Lil Yachty as HPV, Ariana Grande as a zebra, and Justin Bieber as a baboon going full Goatse gape on his simian hole, the single’s video is a dramatized 7 minute CGI reenactment of Mr. Burd performing fellatio on Leonardo DiCaprio’s vascular, throbbing, fully-erect cock, selflessly guzzling away his milky, viscous cum so it won’t pollute our sacred biosphere. The apotheosis of environmentalism is bourgeoisie 1% elites condescendingly laying the problem at the heels of the common man whilst creating 77% of the world’s carbon emissions, and Burd knows this, which is why he chose to donate all of the singles proceeds to DiCaprio’s Foundation. Allegedly.
But according to an anonymous Medium Insider, that is far from the truth: to get his numerous collaborators involved with the project, Mr. David purportedly took funding from 13 fossil fuel companies, as well as billionaire Koch Brother heir Wyatt. Perhaps best known for his line of dummy thicc Hawaiian shirts, Wyatt Ingraham Koch very much shares the Republican, industrialist robber baron politics of his forefathers. And what better way to get people to align with your side than to paint the other side’s establishment as a completely fucking embarrassing, slightly more hypocritical travesty than your own? It worked with their Chief Classical Liberal, Dave Rubin, it works with those cringey fucking Truth commercials that make you want to smoke yourself into a full body Stage 4 Sarcoma, and Confidential Insider “Syatt Loch” was quick to divulge details regarding how they made it work for this “song”.
“We focus grouped the song in numerous clinical settings, with each participant wearing an experimental prototype EEG rig that measures suicidal, homicidal, and misanthropic ideations down to the brainwave. From there, we meticulously adjusted autotune, joke hackiness, and Millenial Whoop levels to be as fucking insufferable, vapid, and unintelligible as possible. This is a revolutionary, beautiful new production process that I hope more artists will embrace.”
And that hopeful sentiment is certainly true, at least in my personal opinion. I don’t agree with all the neocon stuff, but if we’re a species repugnant enough to inflict all this senseless bigotry, prejudice, rape, murder, enslavement, terrorism, oppression, subjugation, abuse, and abysmal, dogshit fucking music toward one another, music from guys who work with known abusers like Chris Brown, maybe we deserve to be slowly garroted and asphyxiated by our own carbon emissions. Maybe we deserve to have the thawed Arctic Bubonic Plague expunge this planet’s ecosystem of the blubbery, rotting, sentient carcinogenic masses that we are. Maybe the real path to loving our planet Earth is not removing the capitalistic mechanisms that contaminate it, but instead redistributing them all toward one guy so he can splurge them on masturbatory fellatio round trips over his private Boeing 757.
Thank you Lil Dicky, thank you other L.D., and thank you Koch Industries™! Happy (Belated) Earth Day!
By Sgt. Cpl. Alpha Sigma Delta Chiappa Remington Wesson Jr.
ATTENTION PATRIOTS: As those of you who’ve followed the newsletter Facebook group may know, DEMONRAT N.Y. Governor Andrew M.(arxist) CUOMO recently announced a vile, reprehensible expansion of the state’s abortion (DEATH) legislation. Don’t believe the feelings over fact snowflakes, or socialist liberal media lies that the law only allows 24 week abortions to save a mother’s life: COMMIE-O extended BABY-KILLING MURDER DEATH AFTER BIRTH.
Even though we all know life begins at conception, you should be EVEN MORE outraged about this particular act of infanticidal killing because someone told me you should! I should know; I have served countless tours of duty, but they all pale to the repugnant guilt I experienced upon inflicting merciless genocide into my CRUSTY SOCK to a Mia Khalifa video. What can I say folks? She’s one of the good ones: Mr. CUMMYO is NOT.
In fact, I heard from an anonymous forum post that one of CUCKOMO’S 2022 gubernatorial re-election ads is a remake of the nightclub shootout scene from the 2014 action film John Wick, only he’s executing NEWBORN Russian mobsters in COLD blood. Throat slits, throat punches, point blank headshots; I love the original John Wick and Keanu Reeves’ mastodonic chiseled frame (HETEROSEXUALLY), but you hate to see it. You hate to witness the liberal elites bastardize a perfectly good message.
As an armed Tier One Facebook combat veteran, I don’t mind shooting, nor killing. I don’t mind killing American grilled red meat. I don’t mind letting a few whiny radical feminist WHORES die to protect the sanctity of our “non-viable” unborn. I REALLY don’t mind when our tax dollars are used to kill the scary DIFFERENT looking people overseas, or to cage and molest their children at the Southern border. But OUR children? Shit that affects ME and my estranged PROPERTY under marital law? These REGRESSIVE leftists need to get a grip, folks.
By Bradley “Brad” Tanner, Streetwise Children’s Cartoon Correspondent
Millenials and zoomers all over the world were recently taken aback by the surprise announcement of a live action “Dora The Explorer” movie starring Isabela Moner, Danny Trejo, and Benicio Del Toro, but that’s not the only kid’s show property getting an arbitrary revival that nobody asked for. According to PBS Chief Paula Kerger, Caillou is set to receive a three-hour live action sequel of its own, written and directed by avant garde filmmaking auter Lars Von Trier.
Set 22 years after the original series, “Caillou’s Blood and Soil” focuses on the eponymous tragic protagonist, alone, forgotten, and a despondent, forsaken man. Five years after Mommy abandoned him and two years after Daddy died of fentanyl overdose, Caillou is rudderless, castigated, and strewn upon the streets when him and his sister Rosie have failed to make rent. After slaughtering a bald 4-year old toddler whilst under the influence in a gruesome, NC-17 eight minute long take shot, Caillou must look alive, adapt fast, and navigate the waters of Canada’s most dangerous correctional facility.
Adapt he does, and far too well, as we watch him gradually descend into the brutal, dour, and radicalized depths of the Aryan Brotherhood, running skinhead methamphetamine, dominating the cell block fight club for commissary payments, and posting about his superior white distended fupa gut on far-right message boards. Fortunately, after a traumatic shanking, we find our anti-hero in the infirmary, where he befriends another kid’s show darling named Bill: Little Bill. Bill helps Caillou move past the reactionary prejudice of his cellmates, Caillou helps Bill move past the horrifying misogyny and serial sexual abuse of his forefather, and both are let out on parole, happily ever after, turning over a new leaf, until Caillou himself is struck and killed by an inebriated driver.
In a 15 minute post-credits monologue, Caillou witnesses a dying vision of his deceased cat Gilbert (voiced by Tim Curry) as he drowns in his own blood, establishing the PBS Kids’ Cinematic Universe and the arthouse Little Bill psychological horror spin-off once and for all. Nothing is finalized, but Vince Vaughn is rumored to play the starring role of Caillou. Release date TBA.
Yes, it’s over. Feel free to use two straws in each drink, drive around just for fun, and throw those water bottles in the regular trash guilt-free. Rutgers scientists have figured out the solution to global warming.
“It actually wasn’t that difficult. We developed the process in a matter of months and it’s fairly simple.” said PhD student Ronald McDonald. “We built a machine that can take carbon dioxide out of the air and shove it up people’s asses. All we need to do is mass produce these relatively inexpensive machines and get enough volunteers to hook it up to their butt and let the machine do the rest. It’s painless and quite effective. It also poses no threat to the human body. The only side effect we have found is a significant increase in sex drive” McDonald said.
If they can produce 1000 machines and find enough volunteers, the carbon dioxide level in the atmosphere will remain constant. Any more machines than that will slowly lower the level.
“I am so proud of what this lab has accomplished. I’ve already sucked over 1 liter of carbon dioxide up my ass and that’s just the start. After I take my next shit I’m gonna go right back to the machine. Then I’m gonna go home and plow my wife!” exclaimed Professor King Burger.
The scientists predict that the carbon dioxide level in the atmosphere should be back to normal within a few years. This is exciting news, and if it works as planned we may save the planet for generations to come. “I cannot express enough gratitude to everyone involved in this project. This is just one part of the life-changing work we do here at Rutgers. I can’t wait to join in and stick some carbon dioxide right up my fun hole” said Rutgers President Robert Barchi.
By, Icky Vicky
All of Rutgers is high off of merrymaking and mirth at the latest, breaking news. The Rutgers Football team has officially dissolved, effective Fall 2019! Did we mention they literally dissolved as well? Well they have, and nothing but pools of blood and guts remain.
Over spring break, all people connected to Rutgers football, from the coaches to the waterboys, had gruesome date with lady death. All throughout the university and far-flung spring break destinations alike, people were melted down to the bare essentials of human life. Without the glue that held them together, all that remains are puddles of their Big Ten lifestyles. Some of the puddles were found in their homes, others were found in random places around Easton ave, and at least four where in one room on the same bed- we’ll let you figure out the rest of that mystery.
It is currently unknown how all these people literally dissolved. Most where quick to accuse Thanos, The Mad Titan. After all, he did the snappity snap snap thingy in that movie. That will be the last time The Medium goes to an insane asylum to get facts. The more sensible reporters have deduced that this was a hit job by a force that is extremely wealthy and with an agenda against the football team. One obvious conclusion is the Chemistry department, all of whom are great fans of Breaking Bad, which would explain the melting. If they didn’t join the Chemistry department to literally disintegrate people, what sane reason would they have for going through Orgo?
Whoever the culprit, it does not take away from the fact that everyone is quite happy with the news. It doesn’t make much sense though. We live in the United States, which is the birthplace of American Football. Rutgers is a football college that is a part of the NCAA, all parties and tailgates follow the Football schedule. Most of the money comes from football deals and what not. The only reason Rutgers stays relevant in the popular zeitgeist is because of its sports teams. Pretty illogical. It is almost as if we don’t know what we are talking about. But hey, everyone’s happy, it says so in the title!
By Manuel C. Hode
Kevin Smith, the critically acclaimed filmmaker behind Clerks, Mallrats, and that fucking walrus fursuit movie, recently unveiled a sidegig on popular e-marketplace Fiverr. Besides cinema, Smith is also a renowned writer, podcaster, comic book retailer, and crying-selfie photographer. His resume encompasses the three Star Wars trilogies and the entire Marvel Cinematic Universe, but despite his $25 million net worth, he’s eager to capitalize on his waterworks.
Starting next month, Jay & Silent Bob’s Tear Circlejerk will open digital shop. If you are a stunted, shut-in failure who is unable to properly express emotion, pay Kevin Smith $5 and he will express those emotions for you in the form of a weepy, sobby crying selfie that totally wasn’t contrived for social clout. Saw an epic display of CGI nostalgia fellatio and left edging? Kevin Smith will cry for you when no one else will. Diagnosed with stage 4 glioblastoma and 4 months to live? Kevin Smith will cry for you when no one else will.
Weddings, graduations, evictions, births, funerals, the death of [celebrity] who was pretty much your best friend? Kevin Smith will be your guardian angel, crying for all of the above and more. If only he could cry for sins of the past. If only he could cry the cries of 100 billion dead, or the joyful tears of 6 trillion unborn. If only he could’ve wept when the doctor removed the umbilical cord around my fucking neck. If only he could cry through the years of unrelenting bullying, beatings, dejection, and regret. If only he could’ve been there to cry for the ways you treated me, DAD.
No, I will NOT forgive you leveraging grandma’s death to ask for MY meds. I will NOT forgive the hours upon hours of being cursed out for hours upon hours. You wonder why I don’t open up, but why should I, you bigoted, narcissistic fucking shit? I don’t want to hate you, but it’s getting harder and harder to like you. No amount of Kevin Smith selfies will undo the scars lain bare into my mind, my spongy, pathetic mind.