Category Archives: News

NASA Devastated that Opportunity Ignored Their Valentine Text

Valentine’s Day might be a distant memory, but NASA is still hung up on it. They had sent the Mars rover, Opportunity, the message: “Will you be my Valentine?” The message had been meticulously crafted after it went through a grueling experimentation process. After crunching the numbers, they believed they were ready to pop the question. Alas, a response never came.

Struck down in the worst possible way, NASA was ghosted by Opportunity. The Rover refuses to answer any of NASA’s subsequent messages. It was a disaster at NASA, with the whole facility going through emotional turmoil. The staff expressed their opinion on the rejection, many taking it better then others.

One well adjusted NASA engineer said, “Honestly, I don’t blame it. Long distance relationships are tough, especially the 54.6 lightyear ones. I have no ill will toward Oppie, it was a great listener and would always be willing to do any little thing we asked, no the size of the rock to hold. I wish it the best on Mars and hopefully it would look back to our time together affectionately.”

Another NASA employee took it a bit personally: “Honestly, I know we aren’t great, but now I just feel like crap. There are so many other Space organizations to compete with and I can’t help but be jealous. What if Opportunity would say yes to the Russians or the Chinese? I know for damn well the Indians were trying to slide into the DMs of the moon rovers, what if it enticed our Opportunity? Honestly, I just look in the in the mirror and try to hold back the tears. I thought what we had was real.”

A particularly bitter scientist is pretty sure about his stance on the rejection: “Honestly, screw Opportunity, that chubby six wheeled cunt. We don’t need Opportunity at all, it’s a fat slut that is going to die alone for being as frigid as Mars’ South Pole. It’s probably on Olympus Mons mingling it’s extending camera with a bigger, blacker, Elon Musk Rover. Planning some interplanetary orgy. Well good riddance, we don’t need it. We got plenty of other Rovers to choose from, we are practically swimming in them.”

All of the responses by the NASA employees basically fit under these categories – taking it well, very insecure, or extremely bitter. All now NASA has to do now is to take a deep breath and move on. As the bitter scientist put it, “Life on Mars? Fuck no, Opportunity is a cold heartless bitch!”

Rutgers Researchers Discover that Healing Crystals are Real

By: Richard Hertz

 

Much to the dismay of skeptics, doctors, and haters of know-it-all white suburban mothers, scientists, and medical researchers at Rutgers University have discovered the true powers of Healing Crystals and Stones. That’s right, those colorful little rocks hack celebrities and mystics have been claiming divine powers for centuries! A four decade long research project has finally concluded with results that shocked the academic and medical worlds.

It was found that 78% of people who suffer from sleep apnea, night terrors, and bed wetting were found to be completely symptom free a mere week after they started to sleep with a pile of Amethyst under their pillows; that number skyrocketed to 97% within a month of treatment. Sufferers of depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses showed a statistically significant improvement after they started to wear a Rose Quartz necklace. The medical jewelry was also found to have an increased effect over time. Most shocking of all, the crystal Garnet was found to have 100% effectiveness at fighting all forms of cancer. That’s right, after the patients began swallowing a golf ball sized rock of Garnet twice a day for about three weeks, they entered complete remission every time.

This body of evidence has been accumulating for years, so why have the researchers decided to wait so long before publishing their findings? We asked the senior investigator, Dr. Edwin Gronkowski, about the delay.

“It just sounded too stupid to be true.” the doctor said, “for years I had been telling patients not to listen to whatever pseudoscience bullshit people like Gwyneth Paltrow tell them to do, so we had to be completely sure before we went public.” The entire fields of medicine and psychology have been flip turned upside down; and pharmaceutical companies have begun to buy out the mineral excavation industry so they can skyrocket prices. The more things change the more they also stay the same I guess. We asked Mrs. Paltrow for a quote on the matter, only for her to respond by throwing a Jasper stone through our window with a piece of paper attached to it that read “Called it. Eat Shit. Love, GP”; thus proving that these crystals really do have a number of different useful properties.

Dog the Bounty Hunter Announces Bid for 2020

By: Richard Hertz

As the reality of Donald Trump possibly being in jail for the 2020 election sets in, the GOP have been scrounging to find an appropriate replacement candidate that can match the needs of the diverse base that the Donald has carved. Republican lawmakers’ prayers were answered early this morning as reality show legend and American icon, Dog the Bounty Hunter announces his presidential run for 2020.

“We’re all kicking ourselves for not thinking of it sooner” says senate majority leader and shriveled up turtle Mitch McConnell. Though you might not consider the two to be all that similar, the more you think about it the more sense it makes. Both are reality show stars that enjoyed many years of success, they both have a many children to various different wives, and above all they both rock that crisp orange skin aesthetic.

However similar they may be, Dog seems to be the candidate that can unify the GOP in even moreso than the Donald. For starters, Dog is a self made man. Where Donald Trump relied on small loans of a million dollars, Dog clawed his way to the top through the for-profit criminal justice system and good marketing. When Donald Trump is being a criminal in the posh 1% sort of way, Dog was backing up his friend in a drug deal gone bad glacking a pimp in the 70s. He loves the troops, and routinely made visits to bases to sign autographs even before becoming a presidential hopeful.

He’s like the chad Trump, and after the president gets strong armed into pardoning his felony charge he will be the next president of the United States. He is already trying to merge party lines by choosing a running mate from the democratic party. Shortly after announcing his run he made public his choice of running mate, his choice is none other than Snoop Doggy Dog. The two are set to run on a platform of total Marijuana legalisation, Gun reform that involves giving every healthy adult an AR-15 when they turn 18, and giving all dogs the right to vote.

Father Nature still hasn’t moved out of weird post-divorce exoplanet

With planetary divorce rates hovering around 40% as of the last census report in 2002, no one was really surprised when Earth’s parents got divorced six years and 276 days ago today. Disappointed and confused maybe, but not surprised.

 

The split certainly took its toll on both parties. A lengthy, emotionally-charged legal separation finally culminated in divorce, leaving Mother Nature with the proverbial lion’s share of the couple’s assets. In addition to keeping the planet the pair bought together after tying the knot and obtaining full custody of all its living creatures, Ms. Nature has been collecting alimony checks monthly per the settlement agreement. Ms. Nature reported she’s doing very well on her own these days and bears no ill will towards her ex-husband. She did, however, voice concern about his current living situation:

 

“He’s been in that same place since the divorce. It seems clean enough, but it’s really only suited to one person and I get a really weird vibe off that roommate of his. I don’t feel comfortable sending the kids to visit.”

 

Father Nature, like many new divorcees, was forced to downgrade slightly after his ex-wife claimed Earth. Looking for an affordable place close enough that he could drop by to take the kids for dinner some nights, Mr. Nature settled on Kepler-69c, an earth analog orbiting a G-type main-sequence star in the constellation Cygnus.

 

“It’s actually a lot like home,” Mr. Nature told The Medium, “but it’s definitely hotter, probably too hot to sustain life. It’s a little bigger than Earth too, but a lot of that space is occupied by the thick water vapor-laden atmosphere that accumulated due to a runaway greenhouse effect.”

 

Mr. Nature doesn’t see what’s so “kid-unfriendly” about his place, though he acknowledges his roommate can be a little intimidating at first. An entrepreneur slightly beyond middle age, Mr. Nature’s roommate has paid off his mortgage and spends his days self-publishing his additions to the Archie Comics universe. In his idealized version of Riverdale, things are pretty much the same except it takes place on a planet orbiting a double-star system, and all the kids are half human, half dark spirit.

 

“Like I said, I just wish he would have taken initiative and gotten a place of his own after six years,” Mother Nature continued, “I’m not letting the kids anywhere near that place as long as I can help it. The older guy who owns the place has all this weird stuff up on the walls. It’s not like, pornographic or anything but it’s pretty close. It’s kind of out of my hands once they turn eighteen though, I guess they’ll be able to go stay with their father if it means that much to them.”

Prisoners Start National Movement to Protest Gentrification of Prisons

After a substantial number of President Trump’s campaign and White House staff move into prisons nationwide, the landscape of the prison system in changing to accommodate them and members of prison populations are taking action.  The significant influx of high profile men entering various prisons have led to changes that alter the way of life for the prisoners inside. Because of the power the men yielded in the political world, prison officials have drastically changed the daily items offered to their prisoners.  Prison food isn’t great by any standard, but foie gras replacing funky smelling bologna sandwiches isn’t receiving much praise from consumers. To make matters worse, the orange jumpsuits and scrubs are now printed with black ink and designed to look like suits to look more formal. The commissary is now stocked with The Wall Street Journal and The Economist instead of the usual magazines like Sports Illustrated and The Inquirer.  The entrance of many affluent, college-educated White men into prisons has essentially gentrified prisons, one of the last places where social division occurs naturally and not through superficial economic forces.

One leader of the movement, Jim Reevus, says this about the radical changes to the prison system, “You know, no one likes prison how it is, but that doesn’t mean we want the whole system to be upended to fit the standard of some boujee old white guys.  We came here for hard time, not to read long-winded articles about tax rates and business mergers.” Prisoners are now taking to the yard with homemade picket signs made from piecing together pages of The Wall Street Journal with phrases like “Keep prisons prisons” and “There’s no first class here.”

Meet the Area Entrepreneur who Set Out to Create a “Reverse 23 & Me” Service

By Yuri Thrall

EDISON –

With over 5 million clients’ personal genetic data and counting, 23andMe is the world’s premier genome testing company for customers to learn more about their ancestry. But while their genotype technology is meant for descendants to look back into the past, one local man’s business strives to look toward a future: 250 million of them.

With 526 specimen strong over 2019’s first fiscal quarter, 74 year old Bartholomew Ulysses Saggory’s garage is catering to a market largely untapped by capitalism’s invisible hand: the unborn. According to a BBC infographic, there are currently 6.75 trillion people lying unperturbed in the immaterial stillness of nonexistent oblivion, and with the aid of his prototype biochemical extraction technology, Saggory wants to hear the brave stories comprising every single one.

“I, as many do, feel this life is a truly beautiful gift. No matter our differences, we are all nonconsensually borne into an ornate slurry of defecation and placenta, forced to gorge upon the flesh of other organisms, forced to secrete fluids, forcibly indebted to a higher authority, forced to seek orifices and orgiastic imagery to contrive some vague sense of hedonic meaning, and forcibly thrust forth into the boundless yonder of being slowly ground into charnel dust. Alone. Fetid. Rotting. Nothing. Anywho, if corporations such as 23&Me can illuminate the commonality we all share and encapsulate this beauty in our ancestor’s lives, why can’t we illuminate that beautiful common totality for the lives of progeny?”

Saggory explained that his genotype analysis was a three week process: for the price of a sample and a $250 down payment, his computational algorithm would deduce an individual narrative outline for each one of a client’s 250 million preserved sperm cells in their ejaculate. His startup, Jizm 250, has garnered viral attention, including hundreds of blog posts where clients share inspiring anecdotes about the children they’ll never have.

“Thank you SO MUCH sir!” wrote Clint Taurus (24), “I am SO proud to know that my nonexistent fraternal twins would’ve become famous Silicon Valley influencers with their CBD suppository startup #HempPlug.”

“It was such a poignant reminder of female empowerment to learn that 724 of my beautiful baby girls would’ve all went on to prosecute 96 single moms for truancy, AND install 48 different proxy paramilitary regimes in Latin America #YaasKween #Slaaay.” wrote David Benton (37).

“I was never a big believer in God’s plan and miracles before, but KNOWING that all of my hypothetical quintuplets lives would end the same way is pretty life-affirming. Two youngest sisters? Immolate in a 14-car pile up on the interstate freeway. Two eldest brothers? Both in hospice for dementia, BOTH rectums prolapsed into colostomy bags. Middle kids? Always drafted, always lose right leg, always resort to alcoholism to cope with the crippling exorbitant self-loathing agony of being alive, always have their ex-wives and daughters perish in the Great Holocene Extinction, always follow the family footsteps of Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, always lose those fucking left legs to Type 2 Diabetes, and always have their carotid arteries bleed out over the blacktop cement of a Denny’s parking lot. How do you explain these ‘coincidences’, atheists? #EverythingHappensForAReason” -Wrote Richard Pound (52).

Saggory was a little cagey about explaining how, though he did divulge a little about Jizm 250’s methodology and it’s local success: “These lonely university youth are hormonally compelled to secrete upon holes and tubes, so where to secrete? Roommate will observe tissue paper, other suitemates and air-conditioning surveillance cameras may catch them in the lavatory, so where else for that sticky secretion to coagulate than the discreet, bioavailable cotton luminescence of a sock? Truly, a Calvin Klein Soft Touch is the foremost theatre to promulgate conflict, love, bigotry, life, death, opulent wealth, cheap labor, athletic transcendence, disease, consumption, fascism, liberation, serial murder, lowly feudal serfs and conquering Macedonian warlords! Truly, Jizm 250 is interconnected with boundless meaning, thick, Byzantine ropes of meaning, one might say.”

By the end of this fiscal year Q2, Saggory hopes Jizm 250 will be able to be generate enough revenue to open a second facility in New Brunswick, pay off his counts of criminal fraudulent grand larceny, and have his name expunged from the Sex Offender Registry.

Divorced Dad Gives Relationship Advice, Like he’s one to Fucking Talk

By Swat Joplin
Elite police marksman

Tim Murdock, twice-divorced father of two, made waves this week when he totally exasperated his daughter even though he was just trying to be supportive. The local dad reportedly made an attempt to give some fatherly advice late Monday when his oldest child, Rebecca, 19, passingly mentioned she was in a new relationship.

 

“I just wanted to mention it,” Rebecca said in an interview, “because me and Kathryn have been dating for like a month and a half and this relationship is kind of an important part of my life. But I really should have known better. Every time I bring up my dating life with my dad, he sees it as an opportunity to like, tell me how to seduce women.” Mr. Murdock separated from Rebecca’s mother in 2002 and they divorced eight months later. He was briefly remarried from 2008 to 2012, to a kind but stern real estate agent he met at the grocery store. Tim is currently “playing the field” and spends his moderate amounts of free time and money taking his OkCupid boos to hibachi.

 

A self-described ladies’ man, Tim admits he jumped at the chance to pass on some Murdock wisdom when his daughter approached him last week. Rebecca reports that her dad spent the better part of twenty minutes explaining that his marriage to his first wife would still be going strong today if she had just been better at communicating.

 

“I love my daughter very much, no matter what, and I want her to feel comfortable dating whoever she wants,” Mr. Murdock told The Medium, “but she’s always had trouble maintaining relationships. I feel like she doesn’t understand women. They can be really confusing! Subversive, even. Rebecca’s mother was like that. No kid of mine should have to navigate that alone, and I think I could help her out.”

 

Rebecca cites her own status as a woman as evidence that she knows what women are like. However, she avoided confronting her father about the issue, stating that sometimes it’s easier to just let him feel helpful.