Category Archives: News

Julia Roberts Asked to Play MLK in Biopic

By Harry Nuttsaac

Following outrage over the concept of Julia Roberts playing Harriet Tubman in a biopic, Roberts’ agent found a much better role for her: Martin Luther King Jr.  In an interview last month with the screenwriter for the movie Harriet, TMZ reported that a studio executive back in 1994 came up with the brilliant idea to have one of the whitest women in America play one of the greatest black women in American history.  Despite the fact that Roberts herself had nothing to do with this pitch meeting 25 years ago, she received massive backlash when the news broke. In a mad scramble to correct this PR nightmare, Roberts’ agent decided to find her a role that everyone would love to watch her in and settled on MLK, who she would be playing in the movie Dr. King, slated for Spring 2021.

Somehow, no one involved in the process of getting her this role saw that this might just be worse than her playing MLK, except Roberts, who said in a press conference, “I really need America to know that I am not as stupid as the people finding roles for me. I mean, who could ever think it would be a good idea for a white woman to play any woman of color, much less a man of color?”  The studios involved in Dr. King realized that it might just be a bad idea and canceled it, but this would fail to be the end of this drama.

Roberts tweeted out the video of her press conference, to which Scarlet Johansson replied, “I really think anyone should be able to play anyone they want #sorrynotsorry.”  Because people are stupid, Roberts once again started to receive hate mail and Johansson suffered zero criticism. Johansson will actually be playing the title role in Pocahontas, coming to theaters next Thanksgiving.

Citizens Of Heaven Appalled At Size Of God’s Liveleak Playlist

By Bradley “Brad” Tanner

Streetwise Metaphysical Ethereal Realm Correspondent

 

HEAVEN- “I knew it’d be big, but I didn’t anticipate that it’d be THAT big.”

 

Those were the words beckoned by both a single Town Square spokesman and my very existent GF in Canada, but they are words that speak for the sentiment of billions of Heavenly citizens this past weekend. In his mortal Earthly life, Oliver Li was a purist, true blue White Hat hacker, one who shockingly didn’t dabble in dark web shadow markets, child pornography, anime neo-Nazism, or other fucked up incel neckbeard hacker shit. Now, Mr. Li has just unearthed a treasure trove of leaks pertaining to our One True Lord and Saviour; God, Yahweh, the Alpha and Omega, the Head Honcho Himself, has a whopping 57.4 terabytes of Liveleak videos (472 trillion) saved to His hard drive.

 

Since 2007, the site has trafficked in unwavering, unflinching, graphic, and violent content showcasing assaults, gruesome accidents, shootings, stabbings, war crimes, sex crimes, executions, snuff torture, and other fun, wholesome edutainment in that vein. It’s understandable for people to assume that their Great Divine Omnipotent Creator would already have a front-row view of the world’s wedding drone strikes or cartel chainsaw executions, and they may wonder why said Creator doesn’t intervene. Well, God defended His controversial (in)actions at the Town Square. 

 

“Why can’t you fuckers just accept ‘Mysterious Ways’ and call it a day? Damn myself, but come on. I like this spectacle as much as you people, and I appreciate the platforms that you people created to help organize that spectacle to do my work for me. That’s it. Nothing more to it, nothing less. Sometimes you have to crack a few eggs to keep a civilization running. Sometimes you need to decapitate a few chicken souls into Animal Heaven Heaven to make a casserole.”

 

God slouched further into His Dolby bass beanbag gaming chair and wiped the Cheeto dust from His graying beard. In a world inundated with homicide, suicide, murder suicide, rape, injury, war, mass murder, pedophilia, torture, greed, bigotry, famine, necrophilia, pestilence, natural disaster, abuse, and wanton, unrelentingly 24/7 suffering, and creeping environmental deterioration, you may wonder where our loving, benevolent ruler has been to keep tabs on it. 

 

“Well, you rotting flesh bags always harp on my ‘Plan’, but what if my Plan’s joining Y’ALL? Why aren’t I allowed to be as curious about Columbian neckties or Russian dashcam hit-and-runs as much as the next mortal, huh? You’re some damn TWISTED motherfuckers down there, and I relish seeing every second of it.”

 

God concluded with the bold proclamation that He shall “maybe do something I guess” after finishing The Mandalorian, or “wait it out another Five Bil’ for the Old Solar Cleanse”.

Lonely Rutgers Student Tries to Start Conversation with RU-Alert

By Mac n’ Cheesus Christ

New Brunswick – A slushy snow fell on Rutgers campuses Monday prompting the university president to shut down all school activities mid-afternoon. To get the word out as efficiently as possible, an alert was sent to the student body through Rutgers’s emergency text channel, RU-Alert. Soon, all students received a text message declaring the school closure. Most read the message and thought no more of it, but one student, sophomore Mark Cornett, had a slightly different reaction. This was the first text message he had received in months, and Cornett was so lonely he decided to respond. 

Mark Cornett lives entirely isolated due to his lack of friends and the absence of his family (who he definitely did not murder). Cornett is a full time student, but not only does he not have any roommates on campus, he doesn’t even have a dorm. In fact, no one has ever been able to track his whereabouts after dark. It is because of these life circumstances that when Cornett received the RU-Alert, he responded, “Nice to hear from you”. And when the RU-Alert number didn’t respond, he further questioned, “What are you up to? Wanna hang?”. 

It is at this point that Rutgers’ administration noticed the responses and, out of concern, attempted to contact Cornett’s family. Unfortunately they could not be reached (because they were unavailable, not because he murdered them). Then, in what seemed like an ethical 360, they reached out to local news correspondents to sell the story. But, still, there is hope for Cornett as winter break is just around the corner and he is free to go home where there are, for sure, living people in his house.

Trojan Releases New Condom Strength: Diplomatic Immunity

Following the horrible news that “President” Donald Trump tried to force parents to meet their son’s murderer, who has so far gotten away with it under diplomatic immunity, Trojan has decided to capitalize on the events.  For those unfamiliar with the incident, Anne Sacoolas, a diplomat’s wife, was driving on the right side of the road in the wrong country, killed motorcyclist Harry Dunn, then came back to the U.S. and has been in hiding since.  Dunn’s parents, who have been advocating in the U.S. for the last two months, trying to amend restrictions to diplomatic immunity, were asked to meet with Trump last Tuesday at the White House. Once there, Trump pulled a jump scare right out of Ellen’s playbook and tried to force the parents to meet with the lady that killed their son.

Even with this atrocious new development, nothing has changed about Sacoolas’ case.  An executive at Trojan was following this news and, surprised at just how strong diplomatic immunity is, has decided to develop a new strength condom.  The Diplomatic Immunity Strength (available in all sizes, even XXS for me) will be “the strongest condom on the market” according to Trojan advertising agents, and it will contain features like spermicide, extra lubricant, enhanced flexibility, thermal strength, and needle resistance (for when your psycho girlfriend wants you to settle down).  

They performed numerous trials to test the condom’s abilities: dropping a ten-pound bowling ball down the condom; crazy women with baby pins; watching two gay guys go at it without extra lube; they even had a guy fuck a hot apple pie; the condoms didn’t break once!  I don’t know about the rest of you, but if I ever find a human being or apple pie willing to go anywhere near my penis, I’m gonna be buying Trojan Diplomatic Immunity Strength (in XXS of course).

Jesus Walks on Raritan River, Trips on Floating Fish Corpse

By Anna Kreamina

New Brunswick, NJ – Arnold Karner, began his day as he usually would. By 7 a.m., he was perched on the edge of the Raritan River, fishing line in the water, awaiting his next catch from the giant toxic toilet that is Rutgers’s main attraction. Karner eats the fish he catches from these questionable waters every day. He can no longer walk in a straight line and, over the course of the past year, a few of his toes have fallen off, but still, he persists. He stood there on the bank, and, as usual, watched Jesus emerge in a ball of light and descend gracefully upon the river. Only this time, it wasn’t a hallucination brought on by the high sewage content of the fish. 

On the morning of October 20th, security footage from Rutgers campus does in fact show Jesus Christ himself descending from the heavens and appearing, in the flesh, on the banks of the Ol’ Raritan. The footage shows him taking his first steps, across the water. But the power of his eternal love and moral fortitude was no match for New Jersey’s #1 part-trashcan-part-waterway. He almost immediately slipped on an eyeless floating fish carcass, sending him flying head first into a half-submerged clump of Wendy’s* chicken nuggets and doll hair. He thrashed for a minute, regretting that his arrogance from being able to walk on water had prevented him from taking that beginner swim class at the YMCA. 

From there it just got ugly, as inevitable death overcame Jesus and the river demon Grogc absorbed his body into its porous skin. A tragic demise, but still arguably more pleasant than crucifixion. Incremental improvement, I guess. Until next time, you poor son of a God. 

*not sponsored, why would it be

Update Gives Sakai Users Access to Pornhub

By: Penn A. Trayshun

It was supposed to be a routine update. It was not. When Sakai came back online this morning, a new tab appeared in the list of courses. Some students did not know it linked to Pornhub. Our reporters spoke with Jessica, a religion major with a specialization in heavenly imagery.

“I was taken aback when I clicked on the tab and saw a giant black phallus. I was expecting more resources to analyze the psalm that discusses the importance of chastity. All I saw was a whitish goo land on a naked woman’s face.”

According to our reporters, Jessica is a fucking idiot because the tab is clearly labeled as COCKS SUCKED DRY. We have no goddamn clue how she missed that.

This new update has affected the bus routes quite dramatically. Instead of the typical 10-minute shit and smoke break, bus drivers are now beating one out in the student center bathrooms too. There have been instances where Sakai has crashed because literally all of the LX drivers are flooding the website to wank in the College Ave bathrooms. I bet you will have no problem staying far behind the fucking white line on the bus now, right?

In another development, Sakai is now partnering with Budweiser. They are branding themselves as the only school company to have a partnership with a porn site and a beer company. Budweiser simply does not give a shit that they look bad going through with this. Advertising is all that matters now.

“Advertising is all that matters now,” says Mr. Cuminmeh, CEO of Budweiser. “Frankly, we do not care how many overweight LGBTQ Mexican immigrants are offended by it. Money talks. Donald Trump understood that, and that is why this country is winning again.”

What will happen in the future is uncertain. However, students do not have to waste more of their parent’s money on a premium account for Pornhub. They can find all the minge they want. It is all made possible by Sakai. Students: just remember to submit your assignments under the right tab, or you might find some original sin plastered all across your computer screen.

Freshmen Need to Stop Running for the Fucking Buses

By Avery Upperclassman

I’m sure everyone here has had this happen to them: I was walking to the bus earlier today, wanting to die with every additional step I took, thinking, “It’s way too early for this fucking bullshit.”  The only thing keeping me on my feet are the six shots of espresso and the line of coke I had for breakfast this morning. Then, this fucking douche frosh comes up behind me, practically Naruto sprinting for the goddamn bus, and knocks me over into a ditch.  The prick didn’t even turn around and look at me, he just hopped right into the bus. Jokes on him, the bus driver stopped for one of his twenty breaks this morning, so I was able to catch up to him and beat the shit out of him.

When are these freshmen gonna learn that nothing really matters anymore?  We’re all here and miserable together, let’s all just accept that class doesn’t matter, college doesn’t matter, life doesn’t matter.  “But I have to pass this class! If I don’t, I’m not gonna graduate on time!” Join the club pal, nobody here is graduating on time, you think you’re special?  Do you really think that little dip in your “participation” grade is gonna make any difference? You’re still gonna go back to your dorm afterward, half-ass that essay you have to write, and not study for your test, so what’s really holding you back?  Just do what the rest of us do: accept that this life is a roller coaster that nobody has any control over and just try and enjoy it.