By Mel Nora
Half on Fire
NEW YORK— On Dec. 12, at J.F.K airport, 15-year-old David Bellrose tried explaining a hydrogen bomb to a 62 year old TSA employee, Tim. Bellrose wanted to tell Tim about how explosions happen.
“It, it, it goes up into the sky and then it it goes all the way up into the sky and it it it um it and so it all the way it goes up into the sky. And then it goes boooooom and everybody goes to jail.”
Apparently this isn’t the first time Bellrose has been caught speaking to airport employees about subjects that are very much not appropriate for that setting, including terrorism and sneaking in water bottles that are over 40 fluid ounces.
The TSA employee seemed to not be listening to a word the kid was saying until he saw his supervisor. Tim then started asking Bellrose, “Have you ever seen an explosion like that? Do you want to see an explosion that big? Are you planning on releasing an explosion today sir?”
Bellrose started nodding his head and smiling in the affirmative. Bellrose is now detained in a TSA holding cell while ringing his hands and telling a story about the atom bomb to no-one.
By Sue De Nim
BROOKLYN — Tonight is the second night of eight days of Hanukkah, which is the Jewish festival of lights. The holiday consists of lighting the menorah, eating latkes, and of course, giving presents to friends, family, and loved ones. Local non-Jew, Christian Johnson is experiencing the holiday for the first time this year with girlfriend Sarah Goldstein, and admits that he is just a little bit disappointed that the holiday isn’t all it’s hyped up to be. After dating for a year and a half, Johnson decided that he wanted to go to Goldstein’s family for the holidays to get the full Jewish experience.
“I was super stoked because I knew that the holiday lasted eight days, so I’m thinking, I’m probably about to get eight sick presents,” said Johnson. The Goldsteins started off the night with the candle lighting, in which Johnson mumbled the tune pretending to know a lick of Hebrew, throwing in some hail mary’s and hallelujahs. After the meal, which included an awkward conversation about the couple’s kids being raised as goyim, they moved on to the highlight of the night-the gift giving. “I was all excited for the first night of gifts, especially after that stupid stuff we did before that. I got Sarah a sweet new phone case and said ‘Just wait ’til you see what I got you for the eighth night’, but she just looked confused and said ‘What are you talking about?’ That’s when it clicked that I spent money on seven extra presents.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m very appreciative of the gift. I mean, who doesn’t love a new pair of socks with dreidels on them? I just assumed there would be more. Now it just seems like it’s lame Christmas.”
Johnson was last seen shedding a single tear, clutching his new socks, and whispering to himself self motivating phrases, telling himself that he’s worth “100 days of presents”.
By Zeke Faux
Member of Fox and Friends
HOLLYWOOD— Macaulay Culkin is known for his mishaps with drugs, totally falling apart to a crack-cocaine addiction along with making weird pizza eating videos, but luckily in recent years he has gotten his life back on track, getting his health back in order and starting a band. With all this great news along came some pretty dark shit. Joe Pesci has recently come out about the making of “Home Alone,” stating, “They were some of the worst years of my life, I would wake up everyday hoping my reality was untrue and once I realized this was the life I lived in I would cry…I haven’t been the same since.” He said throughout the sets of “Home Alone” and Home Alone 2” Macaulay abused him both physically, sexually, and mentally, Pesci claims the treatment was worse on set than what happened to his
character in the film.
“It all started when he asked me if I wanted to hang out in his dressing room and I thought, yeah sure Macaulay seems like a cool guy, but when I got there he told me to touch his penis. I truly admired him as an actor and I did not want to disappoint him and I knew that if I didn’t he would overpower me anyway or ruin my career because he was a much more popular actor than I was. He forced me to call him Kevin and recite lines from the film as he touched me, it was degrading and made me feel stupid. He would slap my butt in front of everyone on set and they all just laughed saying how adorable he was, I wanted to cry, but I was to embarrassed so I had to hold in the tears.”
We decided to contact Marv (real name not important) and when asked about he just started crying and moaning words that were inaudible. When asked if he was going to sue, Pesci said, “No amount of money could give me my life back, this is who I am now. This is who I’ve been for nearly 30 years.”
By Ivan Yakinoff
I’ve been Yanking off
NORTH POLE- After a year long investigation into the rumors that Santa isn’t actually real, a recent raid by Interpol revealed that Santa does indeed exist, but isn’t exactly the jolly old man that we expected him to be. A search of his mega factory turned up thousands of kid elves, many who were kidnapped and forced into child labor, and an entire storage room of counterfeit toy parts smuggled from China. But the most shocking find was the secret room in the basement and all the shocking revelations that followed afterwards.
An in depth search of the secret room showed that Santa was quite the party animal. He threw huge raves every week and did massive
amounts of blow and acid. Documents found in the room also showed that Santa was a pimp and ran the North Pole’s biggest elf prostitution ring. After being arrested and asked to explain himself to the authorities about this, Santa simply said, “My catchphrase is Ho Ho Ho, seriously guys, where in the world did you think that came from?”.
After his arrest was made public, more disastrous news about Santa came to light. Taking advantage of the timing with all the sex abuse scandals going on in Hollywood right now, many of his former elf workers and prostitutes came forward about their history with Santa. “Every day Master Claus would just wake me up from bed and make me sit on his lap just to fondle his beard for hours on end. He would then set me up in a room in with a video camera and force me to make cookie baking videos. His weird fetish tormented me for years” said Brunelfa, one of Santa’s long time prostitutes. Santa’s sex workers weren’t the only ones to go through this kind of abuse. Many of his factory line workers have also shared similar stories about their abuse with Santa.
These serious revelations were enough to put Santa in the sex offenders list. The terms of being on this list gave all of his workers and prostitutes a lifetime restraining order against him as well as banning him from being in any building or house where there are children present. This means that he will no longer be able to operate his factory with his child elves nor be able to sneak into kids’ houses to drop presents. With no one to help make toys anymore, Santa, speaking from a video feed while in prison, has decided to officially cancel Christmas. “To all the great people of Earth, there will be no Christmas this year as I will not be able to employ my child elves or go into your houses anymore. While I can employ actual adults and another mall Santa to take my place and to work in my factory, all of them keep talking about nonsense like minimum wage, unions, vacations, and benefits. Since I don’t understand this urban slang, I’ve decided it’s not worth dealing with adults. So Christmas is a no go.”
By Mike Hawk
Pelvis Safety Officer
NEW BRUNSWICK — Squilliam Fancyson, a senior here at Rutgers University is excited as the first semester of his senior year comes to a close. Fancyson has endured 3 rough years as an aspiring engineering major and produced completely less than stellar grades in every way all through his years at the university. Determined, Fancyson refuses to let his grades suffer from the same fate as they have the previous 3 years.
To facilitate his new found academic success, Fancyson has made a list for us to ensure great grades during the semester.
“The first change I made is that I now get high every night and when I say every night, I mean every night; even when you have an exam the next morning. It’ll make you concentrate more to compensate. Second, lose all your friends. Not because they provided some sort of distraction to you from your work, but because they are all tired of your self destructive behavior and refuse to be associated with you anymore. As the depression kicks in, you’ll start to bury yourself in other distractions. This is where getting high every day helps and because the guilt you have for getting high every night is so high, you’ll make sure you get your work done. All of this coupled with the fact that you’re graduating soon and if you don’t get your life together, you’ll end up homeless, will ensure you have a great and successful semester.”
It appears that this method of living life ̇as worked wonders for Fancyson and his grades. In the future, Fancyson hopes to publish a book on how to be successful and believes he will be able to translate his new found success to a life after college.
By Sue De Nim
WASHINGTON — The recent Republican proposed tax bill has just been passed in Congress 51-49, and with it, some new changes, including a corporate tax cut from 35% to 20%. But unbeknownst to most, the republicans have also snuck in other big legislations such as the allowance of drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. However, the biggest thing that they have managed to sneak past the public was the long kept secret FDR recipe for steamed ham. This recipe has been kept a secret from the American public for over 70 years, despite numerous protests attempting to have it released. The official CIA statement regarding its confidentiality from 2015 states, “The United States government has found that the Roosevelt ham recipe is too important to release. If the Russians were to get their hands on it, the socio-economic consequences could be devastating.”
The original recipe concocted by the late president was made in 1946, and was a response to the Great Depression as a cheap and easy food any good, American, homeless family could make. Historians have speculated that it single handedly saved the American economy from utter destruction, but now republicans seem to be disrespecting its impact.
“That recipe is a staple of this country and has no right being released to the world. It needs to be kept secret so stupid idiots can’t screw it up,” said famous chef and T.V. star Gordon Ramsay. Many people are defending the move, saying it will allow all Americans to cook like a president. “Why do I care if the fuckin’ wheelchair president wants to keep his ham recipe a secret. I want to learn how boil a cow in water for sustenance.” Right now, the bill stands at a 25% approval rating among the public, and continues to drop. The senate has still been trying to advertise for its success, claiming that they have finally gotten through “Lower taxes, more jobs, and better cooked meat for all.”
After spending most of his afternoon on the crosswalk, a blind old man causes frustration amongst commuters
as he sits down in front of traffic still waiting for the solar eclipse. An angry woman, unable to get him to
move, looks down as she realizes she won’t make it to her gynecology appointment on time.