Category Archives: News

Couple Finally Married 5 Years After one Caught the Other Masturbating in Dorm

By Heywood Jablomi
Not Actually Asking, thanks

 

Wedding bells filled the air on Sunday morning when Richard Freeman and Tom Johnson became Misters Richard and Tom Freeman-Johnson in a quaint little ceremony upstate. Despite the ceremony and reception going of fairly well, as per usual, there were issues behind the scenes. On top of having to change photographers three times, drunk relatives, and mismatching flowers, Freeman refused to let his best friend of how he met his new husband.

Richard and Tom were roommates in their sophomore year of college. At first, it just seemed like they were gonna be two guys who shared a space, but they’d never create that special bond some roommates have. They were a little awkward around each other, and didn’t talk much. “It was like there was this barrier between us,” Tom reported, “and neither of us could really break it down. I was on my side and he was on his side, we said bye when we left and hi when we came back and that was about it.”

That barrier went right down, however, when Richard finally decided he was comfortable and horny enough to jerk off one fateful Friday afternoon. Unfortunately, Tom came back earlier than Richard expected, and caught him with his pants on the floor and his dick in his hands. “It was then I knew he was the one,” Tom told us. Sunday was the five-year anniversary of that night, and they thought it fitting to have their ceremony on the same day. Their parents and most of their friends are blissfully unaware of how they first got together.

NASA’s Mars InSight Lander Really Needs to get Shit Together

Bot Joplin
Wants to follow you

If you’ve somehow been able to avoid the nonstop barrage of headlines this week, NASA landed on Mars (again) last Monday. Since then, the space agency has literally been on everyone’s dick about it, constantly reminding the American public of how mind-bendingly great their InSight lander is doing on the red planet.

It is, of course, objectively amazing that man managed to touch down on extraterrestrial soil, but it’s only been six years since the last time we did this, and the coverage is starting to feel a little self-aggrandizing. InSight’s moment in the low-intensity Martian sun was short-lived, however. In just its second week on the job, InSight was completely outshone by its own forbear.

The Curiosity rover, which until recently held the title of NASA’s most recent and hottest Mars landing, might have had reason to worry about its reputation if InSight hadn’t turned out to be such a fucking slacker. We all know adjusting to a new job can be tough, but the new kid on Mars doesn’t even seem to be trying.

Last week, InSight, dumb circle things and all, was spotted just roving around the surface of Mars, claiming to be on the hunt for “internal heat.” Meanwhile, Curiosity proved it was still young and full of pep Monday when it mercilessly zeroed in on a shiny, unidentified object, discovering it for all mankind. The object, which has been described as a “mysterious, lustrous lump,” might be either a meteorite or some type of native mars rock.

NASA has already announced that they hope this shiny object may provide some insight into the presence of life of Mars, so it’s safe to say that Curiosity is banging hard. InSight, on the other hand, has been proving itself more incompetent by the day. InSight reportedly spends its time digging holes of completely arbitrary size and spacing, in hopes of “understanding the formation of the planet.”

Things are looking pretty grim for this newcomer, but experts are hoping to see it pull through for the 2019 season.

Destroy Dick December Ruined by Tumblr Porn Ban

By Jen Dirbender

 

When No Nut November ended just a few days ago, meat beaters across the globe warmed their hands, broke out the Jergens, and collectively did their best to make God cry. With the annual month of masturbationlessness behind them, it seemed that things were looking up for the jackers and jillers of the world. But little did they know, a dark future lay on the horizon.

Tumblr.com, a site known best known for social justice, and porn has announced that starting on December 17th, it will be banning all “not safe for work” content from the site. This decision, intended to make the site more comfortable for younger users, has been described as “bad” by long time users of the site.

“Now where am I supposed to find Naruto inflation porn alongside a 100 page fan fiction about the first time Shikamaru realized he gets hard as fuck whenever Choji uses  his signature jutsu?” asked the owner of chidori-inside-me.tumblr.com.

This question and many like it have been echoed across the site in the days since the ban’s announcement. The sheer volume of complaints has been staggering, and has many wondering if the Tumblr staff have ever even used their site. Conservative estimates place the number of accounts to be banned at: all of them.

Public outcry has been massive, with all manner of degenerates voicing their opinions including furries, toonphiles, BDSM enthusiasts, age-players, and my uncle Dennis.  Many members of these groups have decided to boycott the site in protest, in an extremely ironic attempt to have the decision reversed.

It is currently unclear what site the displaced perverts will flock to in response to this adversity, but my money is on Reddit.

President Trump Preemptively Pardons Tekashi 6ix9ine

By Carl “Yung Xylometazoline” Mueller

At his latest rally in the lead-up to election season, Trump has announced his plans to presidentially pardon controversial Brooklyn rapper Daniel Hernandez, known professionally as Tekashi 6ix9ine, should he be sentenced to serve anywhere from 32 years to life in prison.

“Listen, I’ve never personally met Mr. Tekashi, I don’t know Mr. Tekashi. What I do know is that Kanye was one of the good ones folks, very very smart cookie until he stopped working with Candace Owens that is, but anyone who associates with his genius must be very fine people too.”

This announcement comes amid 6ix9ine’s recent arrest for numerous federal racketeering and weapons charges stemming from his associations with the Nine Trey Gangsters, a sect of the East Coast Bloods. 6ix9ine is slated to stand trial on September 4th, 2019.

“My fellow Americans, when I assumed some, some of those people were good people, brave, decent men like Hombre Sixty Nine were amongst those people. The lying media LOVES to paint illegal women and children invading OUR borders as helpless victims who can’t handle a little internment camps or tear gas in their faces. Yet, whilst doing that, they utterly omit the bold patriotism of legal Americans like Taqueria 72, demonize him in fact. We’ve seen it with me, we’ve seen it with Honorable Justice Kavanaugh.”

Alluding to his administration’s own sexual misconduct allegations, as well as 6ix9ine’s own with filming a 13 year old girl, Trump congratulated Tekashi 6ix9ine’s “illustrious record” for women’s rights.

“No one respects women more than I or Justice Kavanaugh do, but Danny and that XXTemptation kid really came close,” he remarked, referring to late Florida rapper XXXTentacion. “It’s a despicable travesty, really, what our failing media has done, taking a five minute video and 27 minute tape out of context to define two decades of storied life experiences. I know that all too well.”

President Trump concluded his address by explaining how “it is a tremendous honor to pardon such a bold patriot. Mr. Hernando is a self-made entrepreneur like me, a true iconoclast, and much like myself, also isn’t afraid to flaunt alternative hairstyles.”

Area Man not Worried About Romaine Recall, Doesn’t Even Eat Salad

By Throbin Williams
Pretending to be a nanny

 

Last week the FDA issued a country-wide recall on romaine lettuce, but New Brunswick man Mark Roskie, 22, hasn’t been affected at all. His secret? He doesn’t eat salad. At all.

“When I first heard about the recall I didn’t even have to think about whether I was exposed to the E. coli,” Roskie said “because I don’t even eat salad.”

Roskie largely sustains himself off sandwiches from Kilmer’s Market, pizza from Sbarro, or the hot bar at the dining hall. Lettuce plays almost no part in the college senior’s diet. The outbreak, which has affected more than 30 people in 11 states has almost no way to get to Roskie.

“Yeah, some sandwiches at Kilmer’s have lettuce on them. But I’m not really sure what kind of lettuce goes on what because I don’t eat it. And I don’t order those anyway. I usually just get takeout.”

The takeout he’s referring to is the to-go option at Rutgers’ dining halls and mainly consists of fried foods like mac and cheese bites, chicken nuggets, onion rings, and fries. The “unhealthy” food that is carefully rationed to each student by a dining hall employee has virtually no chance of coming into contact with romaine lettuce.

“I actually don’t think I’ve ever eaten more than like, a quarter of a salad. If the food is taking a long time at a restaurant I’ll eat the croutons and maybe pick at the lettuce, but I really never touch the stuff otherwise.”

Food scientists at Rutgers New Brunswick have reported that this is the first time that people who don’t eat salad are healthier than those who do. Researching professor Esther Byrnes made time to comment in between her vomiting and diarrhea.

“I’m feeling very ill ever since I ate at SaladWorks last week. But people who don’t buy in to all this health stuff and aren’t actively trying to live forever may actually live longer than those of us who eat lettuce. I haven’t left my bathroom in six days and am incredibly dehydrated.”

At press time, Roskie was seen devouring a slice of roman style pizza, a breadstick and an orange soda with no ice in the Livi Student Center, with no vegetable in sight.

Parents Will not be Convinced Their Daughter is Bisexual

By Heywood Jablomi
Bipolar Bigender Bisexual (not really)

Scranton, PA- Rutgers sophomore Brianna Dalton is “dreading” going home for Thanksgiving this weekend, knowing full well she’ll be facing endless questioning and skepticism from her loving parents about her alleged bisexuality. Brianna has already let her parents know she’s currently dating a boy, and as far as they’re concerned, that makes her straight as an arrow, despite her long, committed relationship with a girl throughout her junior and senior year of high school.

“It’s just exhausting,” Brianna said in her interview with the medium. “We do this every year. I told them I was bi when I started dating Lauren in high school, but they immediately assumed I just didn’t want to be gay so I was lying. Now they think that whole relationship was just ‘experimenting’ and I’m actually straight. I just want to go home and eat Thanksgiving food and talk to my parents, not defend myself for the entire weekend.”

Regardless of the mental taxation, Brianna still plans to go home instead of trying to crash with a friend, because deep down she loves them and she’s sure they love her too. We here at Rutgers will be rooting for her, and hoping her parents won’t stress her out too much before finals.

Trump stands by Saudi crown: “He’s a great Fortnite squad member”

By: Throbin Williams

A few days ago the CIA concluded that Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman ordered the assassination of journalist Jamal Khashoggi, but Donald Trump is standing by his word that bin Salman is a great guy.

“He’s a tremendous ally to me in Fortnite. He always makes sure his callouts are clear and shares his healables. And he is the best sniper I’ve ever seen.” Trump said.

In an interview with Fox News Trump said he believes that the prince had nothing to do with the killing, citing that he’s always online with him playing Fortnite and wouldn’t have had time to order it. A spokesperson from the CIA who requested to remain anonymous said that Trump spends roughly five hours a day playing the popular game with the prince.

“Sometimes we just play duos together, which is my favorite,” Trump said. “But other times Putin will get on between campaigns. And we usually rotate Bezos or Zuckerberg in as our fourth, but we’ll settle for Musk if we have to.”

The CIA reported that along with the recorded phone calls implicating the prince in the ordering of the killing and a recording on Khashoggi’s apple watch at the time of his death, they have obtained recordings of the prince in his home via his Amazon Echo device. The recordings detail the prince’s side of a conversation of him and Trump during a game of Fortnite where the prince clearly and verbally orders the killing.

Another anonymous source from the CIA confirmed that the prince ordered the assassination to someone else in the room while discussing where he and Trump where they should go once the circle closed. They even shared a clip of the conversation in an encrypted flash drive sent to The Medium.

“We should move into that porta fort, it’s totally abandoned. Oh shit! There’s a squad to our East… What? Yeah yeah just kill the guy…. Oh shit good shot Don.”

The Saudi Government says that the team who killed and dismembered Khashoggi was rogue and the crown had no knowledge of the operation. They also claim that the prince is always busy playing Fortnite with the president.

More updates to come after the prince orders the execution of five prisoners and claims they are the members of the hit squad being handed capital punishment.