Category Archives: News

😱😱😱 DON’T TWEET TRAPT THREE TIMES WHILE LISTENING TO TRAPT AT 3:00 A.M. 😱😱😱

*OMG THEY CAME TO MY HOUSE AND TOOK ME ON*

 

By ModerateEugenecistGamer1986, Influencer and Incestous Alt-Right Elsa YouTuber

 

(Hey what’s up guys!!! Broke the camera against the drywall again so I’m just posting my vlog script here!!!)

Recently I noticed that CHRIS TAYLOR BROWN 🐴🐴🐴, the lead singer of early 🕐🕐🕐 2000’s post-grunge alternative nu-metal 🤘 group 👥👥 TRAPT, has been having a MONTH 🈷️🈷️🈷️-LONG TWITTER #️⃣#️⃣ MELTDOWN over this ⬆ CORONAVIRUS QUARANTINE, feuding with DANNY DIABLO, DANCE 💃 GAVIN DANCE 💃, ICE-T 🧊, and everyone who 💁 DISAGREES with his PRESCRIPTION DRUG 💊 FUELED MAGA-FELLATING DIATRIBES, even going so far as to CHALLENGE Mr 🇲🇷🇲🇷🇲🇷. T to a BARE KNUCKLE boxing match “to the FUCKING 🖕 DEATH”? 

 

What 😅 is 🈶 it with CHRIS BROWNS in the music 🎤 industry 🏭🏭🏭 being abusive, homophobic, maladroit, narcissistic FUCKSTICKS? I had so much respect for TRAPT and their MULTITUDINOUS DISCOGRAPHY with it’s abundance of HIT 👊 SONG, SO MUCH NOSTALGIA for it’s accompaniment in artistic masterworks like 😄😄 PS2 GAME 🎱🎱 MAIN MENU MUSIC 🎤🎤, SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG 🦔🦔🦔 AMVs, and FAMILIAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE 👊👊. I don’t even disagree with BIGOTRY, INJECTING BLEACH to OWN THE LIBS, or female 👧👧-on 🔛🔛-male 👦 STATUATORY RAPE APOLOGIA, but have 🈶 a little more ➕➕ TACT about it MY GUY 👦👦, you FEEL me?

 

So, at 3:00 AM, I took the PLENTY BOLD CHALLENGE to tweet 🐦 @TRAPTOFFICIAL, telling 🗣 them to be LESS ➖ HEADSTRONG while listening to HEADSTRONG. Within the span of ten seconds, I received the PORTENTOUS 😮 OMEN 😈 that I had been BLOCKED from following @TRAPTOFFICIAL and viewing @TRAPTOFFICIAL’s tweets, and five 5️⃣5️⃣5️⃣ seconds after that, I received an OMINOUS CALL from a demonic, DISTORTION-FILTERED voice…

 

“I SEE 👁 YOUR 👉 MOTIVES INSIDE. DECISIONS TO HIDE. A DIFFERENT MOTIVE IN YOUR 👉 EYES 🤩🤩🤩. SEE 👁👁👁 YOU LATER…”

 

Five 5️⃣ minutes transpired. A rapping BECKONED upon my door 🔑🔑. FROSTED black tips DRIFTING against the peephole. A violent SCREAMO YARL echoed across the walls. IT WAS CHRIS TAYLOR BROWN…   …IN THE FLESH 😱😱😱. Behind him, the THREE 3️⃣3️⃣ HORSEMEN 🐴🐴🐴: BRENDAN HENGLE, MIKE SMITH, and some motherfucker named PETER “PETE” CHARELL.They stood back ⬅️⬅️⬅️, and he pointed FORWARD ⏭⏭⏭, wearing nothing 🈚🈚 but a MAGA hat 🤠🤠🤠 and 112 pounds and 62 inches of soaking meat 🥓🥓🥓, ECHOING into the ether…

 

“HEADSTRONG? I’LL SHOW 📺📺 YOU STRONG 💪 HEAD 💆💆! HUNG DONG 🍆 ? I’LL SUCK OFF ANYONE’S!”

Mr 🇲🇷. Taylor-Brown 🐴🐴🐴 did NOT back ⬅️⬅️⬅️ off and respect CDC social distancing regulations. He DID let me know 🤔 that he knew 🤔 I was wrong, and HE DID take me on 🔛🔛🔛, with my obliging consent, and the most euphoric 27 MINUTES 🕐 of 🍆 ECSTASY 😫 I have EVER experienced in my life. Yes, he DID swallow  👅 , and yes, TEETH 🦷 were generously applied. We have 🈶🈶🈶 remained quarantined, drinking Monster 👹👹👹 Energy 🔋🔋, and threatening to fist 👊 fight one 1️⃣1️⃣ another to the death 💀 since! Took me on 🔛🔛🔛 across 50 vlogs that I’m proud 😤😤😤 to announce on 🔛🔛🔛 my new 🆕🆕 vlog! Visit onlyfans.com/ModerateEugenecistGamer1986 for more ➕➕➕ BASED CONSERVATIVE Headstrong Strong 💪💪 Head 💆💆 Elsa Spiderman content!

America in Debt to OnlyFans, at Least $1.5 Trillion

By Harry Nuttsaac

 

Since millions of Americans have had to go on unemployment since the coronavirus pandemic began, any business that someone can do from home has seen a boost in users. OnlyFans, a site where people can sell their nudes with class, has seen a massive boost in both stars and buyers over the last few weeks. However, while some people are raking in a lot of dough, a lot of people have been trapped in the pornscape and are giving their entire life savings to amateur models and their nether regions.

Now that so many people are on unemployment, the American public is reporting their financial status like never before. In early estimates, the U.S. Department of Labor claims that Americans as a whole are $1.8 trillion in debt to OnlyFans, a number that challenges the $1.5 trillion debt that Americans have in our broken education system. However, these are only early estimates but based on unreported individuals and the fact that OnlyFans stock just jumped by a metric fuck ton Americans might actually owe the site upwards of $5 trillion, which I wouldn’t put past our horny asses.

During the White House’s daily press conference, as Donald Trump attempts to make up for being the absentee father of the government for the last year, The Medium asked for a response to Americans spending so much on OnlyFans. Trump stated, “I’d believe it. Melania has been giving me the cold shoulder since I forced her to marry me. And Ivanka, my beautiful Ivanka, look how beautiful she is, very full figure, she’s turned me down a few times, so I’ve been using the site. Dr. Fauci promised me that you can’t catch coronavirus through digital contact, but I’m not gonna listen to him, it’s only a recommendation.” Despite the fact that that made no sense, no one there questioned it. Trump has yet to give any direction to the American public about the coronavirus or do anything presidential at all. We miss Bernie already.

Tech Support Suggests Burying Device in Ground, Digging it Up Again

By Pre Malone

Milwaukee, Wisconsin — Local Xbox user Alfred Baylor had turned his broken device off and on 17 times to no avail when Xbox tech support suggested that he try just burying it in the ground and digging it up again. This comes as a revolutionary step for a nation that has been solely turning devices off and on for 50 years. 

After receiving the instructions to bury his Xbox in the ground and dig it up again, Baylor grabbed a shovel and took his device outside. He dug a sizable hole in the dirt, placed the Xbox inside, and covered it. Then, he dug it up again. Unfortunately, the Xbox was still broken, so Baylor decided to try again. He dug another hole, put his device in it, covered it, and dug it up again. He did this 50 times then stopped due to extreme dehydration and exhaustion. The Xbox was still not working.

He then called tech support again and was put on hold for 50 hours. During these 50 hours, Baylor did nothing but stare at the phone like an insane person. This is a separate problem Baylor has but we thought it worth mentioning. In fact, it is unclear whether he has ever actually played any games on the Xbox or if he just likes to traverse the menu options. Again, separate issue but we thought you should know. 

When Baylor finally got a hold of tech support, it was a different employee who quickly shed some light on the situation. As it would turn out, the Xbox was not broken in the first place. Baylor had just forgotten the password because he is old and dumb. But, unfortunately, by that point the device had become irreparably clogged with dirt and was rendered unusable. Oh well.

Local Incel Unconvincingly Assures Mom That Duffel Bag of Weapons is “Not What It Looks Like”

By Manuel C. Hode

 

Rutgers student upon Rutgers student has recently suffered the taxing brunt of ongoing campus move-outs amid the COVID-19 pandemic. It is an abrupt, unprecedented transition that has left many graduates ending their year in sadness, frustration, anxiety, and awkward uh-oh oopsies. For one senior rooming in a Livingston single, it ended in a VERY big uh-oh oopsie.

 

Some students may lament their relatives, straight edge roommates, or RAs finding their loud stash. Others their cum sock, or XL Bad Dragon Amethyst firm dildo. For 22-year-old Martin Allen Wittrock, that forbidden fruit was his Bible Black gym bag, packed with three assault rifles, four semi-automatic handguns, one scoped bolt-action, two sawed-off Mossberg pump shotguns, a bedazzled Hello Kitty butterfly knife, and over 450 rounds of ammunition.

 

“Look, sometimes parents just don’t understand, whether it’s with your obsession with Japanese eroge and OVA animation, or accidentally stumbling upon an entire armory in your single dorm.”

 

Wittrock was promptly brought into questioning with his mother at the Middlesex County Jail. When interrogated about the Google search history tied to the Gmail account on his laptop, including “fertiziler pvc bomb how to”, “seminary place bell tower”, “anarchist cookbook full pdf”, and “yaoi sex game cum 2.5 times 5 minutes”, he chalked it up to “satire”, and simply looking up strategies for the new Call of Duty battle royale mode, Warzone.

 

“Look, I know this whole ‘post-ironic post irony’ thing can be hard for non-based and edgy 4chan zoomers like me to wrap their heads around, but it’s a valid appeal to authority! Sometimes you get so committed and immersed in what the industry calls a ‘bit’, that you accidentally find yourself swiping your Amex on a couple Armalites and Kalashnikovs for the bit! Should one mistake really cancel my entire livelihood though? Do I have to do a REAL 1v1 in a REAL gulag?”

 

Authorities recovered a 75-page manifesto in the dorm entitled “Vengeance Upon Thee Harlots”. Wittrock reiterated that he’s simply a fan of the 1994 Quentin Tarantino film Pulp Fiction, and that any misogynistic rhetoric in the book itself is simply “a matter of different opinion”.

 

“Yes, I am a proponent of fascist state-enforced monogamy. Yeah, I called Cheryl from middle school a dirty, rotted bitch to the core. So what? There’s two sides to every story, and if you think about it, isn’t refusing to understand my intolerance the REAL intolerance? It’s not what it looks like, and even if it was, would you REALLY throw the book at me for just holding ideas you disagree with?”

 

Law enforcement officers proceeded to sternly slap each of Mr. Wittrock’s wrists with a Popeyes Chicken Sandwich.

Economy Fixed After Fed Tells it to Try Not Being Depressed

By Bradley “Brad” Tanner, Streetwise Wall Street Correspondent

 

ECCLES BUILDING, WASHINGTON D.C. – Following a tumultuous three weeks of over ten million unemployment claims, numbers seen months into the 2008 Great Recession, the national and global economies have both miraculously recovered and rebounded overnight. The solution? Quite a simple miracle cure, suggested by Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell.

 

“I Zoomed the boys over at the House and the Exchange and the Treasury, and just noticed they all seemed pretty downtrodden lately. Real withdrawn, quiet, verklempt, greasy, hairy, watching the S&P over some Papa Roach and Linkin Park, sad subtweets and vaguebooking, the whole nine yards. Dropping stock over the loss of hundreds of thousands of lives and the upending of millions more will do that. But what’s the use in not keeping that frown upside down?”

 

So, he suggested something revelatory for our nation’s top thought leaders and economic movers, an unprecedented course of action; try NOT being depressed! Upon Powell uttering those words, their sunken gaunt eyes glowed with radiance, the Linkin Park was swapped with Lizzo, and America punched it’s collective clock back to work. Leading immunologist Dr. Anthony Fauci was nonplussed at the fast turnaround from his and other experts’ prolonged pandemic estimates.

 

“It’s remarkable! I can’t believe it! We thought we were months out from effective drug treatments and even further out from a COVID vaccine, but maybe positive vibes and law of attraction manifestations were all it took!” 

 

Americans happily embraced and rejoiced in the streets, hand in hand. Morgue truckers across the country did happy dance TikToks over piles of refrigerated bodies. The churches were packed with hugs and cuddles and saliva and tongue kisses and clogged plumbing and not a single doorknob untouched. President Trump personally congratulated Powell for meeting his original “beautiful” prediction of slowing down the “Pee Pee CocaColavirus” by Easter, and Chairman Powell himself was certainly dumbfounded at the fruits of his labor.

“Back when I worked at the Carlyle Group around ‘01, Shafiq Bin Laden gave our team a powerful address about how prayer and positive thinking changed his family’s life. I can’t believe literally no one suggested it HERE though, over the past nine decades since things got this bad! Maybe we didn’t think like that before, but you can just NOT mope and NOT NOT have a job, and NOT feel rightful sadness and pain at the intrinsic suffering and toil and abject fucking misery of this life! After I do the inhale-exhale thing for four seconds, it’s like it’s not even there! Self care is that easy! It’s like oxygen is the natural ketamine, and CBT is the natural orphan adrenochrome!”

Aztec, Pagan Gods Worried That Dow Jones Will Outdo Their Human Sacrifice High Score

By Bradley “Brad” Tanner, Streetwise Metaphysical Correspondent

 

The far-reaching repercussions of the COVID-19 pandemic have been felt not only across countries, but across worlds beyond our own Earthly realm. The two most hard hit netherrealms have been Mictlán, the Aztec underworld, and Helgafjell, the sprawling, mountainous Norse Pagan overworld for normies that weren’t killed in battle. Odin, God of Wisdom, and Huitzilopochtli, Solar God of War, were none too pleased to hear that their longtime work may soon be outdone by a mere pathetic mortal; President Trump.

 

“Back in the day we had to put in the work to disembowel them on the stone altar. It was elaborate, and it was an art. Now this gringo and his gringo cronies wanna drop stock on a lame, brutal lung disease killing millions of their own people? Lame as shit man. At least executive order YOUR ball court players to play with the severed heads of YOUR sacrifices. Give the people SOME entertainment!”

 

Huitzilopochtli then elaborated that heart removal was “more metal” than “Noah’s Great Snot Flood will ever be”, and that he’s greatly disappointed in the president for capitalizing upon this crisis with no extra metal flair. Ergo, Odin lamented filmmaker Ari Aster for watering down and Americanizing his message in the 2019 horror movie “Midsommar”.

 

“Y’know, I was kinda hoping they wouldn’t apply the whole ‘send people down a steep incline to their brutal deaths’ thing across an entire country. It was a good flick, but it might not have given everyone the right ideas. Looking back, I dunno why I hoped better. The vikings who maypole danced with intestines sure didn’t.”

 

Both gods condemned Mr. Trump for using the “corona buffer” to outclass their respective “K/D;R”’s. Ultimately, both struggled to see the practicality of his desire to reopen the United States by Easter, effectively sentencing thousands of Americans to death. Overseeing the civilization that pioneered irrigation, Huitzilopochtli had choice words to offer about the U.S. resources and capabilities.

 

“You motherfuckers have the money, and the agricultural system to nourish crops. You don’t need to sacrifice for me, any other Gods, Goddesses, or a God-damned line. You have it, it’s just in the hands of bigger narcissists and sociopaths than a deity who beheaded his own sister and craved the flesh of thousands more. Trust me, I would know.”

 

Both gods hope that the God Emperor will not outdo their human sacrifice high scores on the cosmic arcade machine (where they’re tagged “HEAT” and “HOEDIN”, respectively), but as retirees of the game, they can only do so much. As Thor’s quarantined up in Valhalla and too busy playing CoD Warzone to care, they hope that Huitzilopochtli’s noclip mod on the “GREENHOUSE” exploit will be just enough to slow the momentum of the virus, and the imminent crumbling of our already wire-thin healthcare system.

Politically Vocal Woman Knows Nothing About Politics

By Harry Nuttsaac

A woman in the New Brunswick area has been taking advantage of this COVID-19 pandemic to spew her unbelievably naive political opinions. Requesting to remain anonymous, this woman, Susan Strong (142 Willow Blvd, East Brunswick, NJ), has started almost every single conversation she’s had with someone in the last few months with “I’m not very political, but…” and then gone on to disprove that statement. During conversations, Strong might bring up a reliable post from the local Fox News station near Bumfuck, Nebraska.

Witnesses have said that she would usually follow this opener with misinformation about Obama causing the coronavirus (or she will use “a derogatory term for Asian people” virus), how Donald Trump is sent directly from our Lord and Savior Jose` Triscuit (My Pillow’s Mike Lindell said so), that Mike Pence absolutely loves gay people (she should know, her son is gay), and that America’s military is really necessary/that we don’t spend enough money on it (her exact words were “Until we have at least one drone for every civilian building out there, we aren’t spending enough).

When The Medium went over to her place of work, a print shop where she makes an extremely liberal newspaper, she brought up politics before we even said anything: “Are you guys those fucking pieces of shit from government here to collect my taxes?” When we told her no and that we were from Rutgers’ best newspaper, no, not The Targum, she asked if we were “fucking libtards.” We dodged this question, because we are, and asked if she is politically vocal at all. “Aside from speaking at every single town hall meeting and complaining about everything those dumbasses are doing wrong, no. But now that this [slur for Asian people omitted] virus is going around, I just have to tell literally every single person that comes into this place, even if they didn’t ask like you guys did.” About two hours after we visited, Strong was fired because she doesn’t own the place and was driving off customers, especially the Asian ones.