Category Archives: News

Studies Show Trump Physically Unable to Comprehend Tragedies in Developing Countries

BY Caillou
Real Good Listener

WASHINGTON D.C.— Tuesday morning at 9 am, researchers revealed the results of a year-long study on Trump, concluding that the 45th President of the United States is unable to mentally process tragedies that occur in developing countries. This has confirmed theories developed by many scientists around the globe as to why someone so active on social media refuses to comment on anything both not American and not white.

An excerpt of the study describes some of the methodology used, “The subject was placed in a neutral room containing only two chairs. Every 15 minutes, a researcher would go into the room and mention a topic, such as CNN, nuclear weaponry, or Putin. The only tests inciting abnormal reactions involved the subject ‘Somalia bombings,’ where the subject’s eyes glazed over, its body slouched over, and hands twitched every few seconds. The subject would sustain this posture until a team member would mention Kaepernick. The subject would then react in an established fashion as if nothing had happened.”

White House staff have begun taking measures to work around the president’s newly discovered disability. Press secretary Sarah Sanders announced, “The United States will not be halted by our president’s mental disorder. The US will persevere through tragedies such as Somalia’s truck bombing, and will not let the death of hundreds of third-world citizens stop us from making this country great again.”

Citizens across America have been announcing they suffer from a similar disease, as Alabaman Billy McBowell said, “Yeah these fellas over the sea, their problems just don’t do anything for me, y’know. If it ain’t about the death of our national anthem, then you can forget about it,” he stated as he set up his American flag rifle targets.

As of press time, no one has mentioned to the president that he has this disability.

Racists Lose Last Connection to Rap

BY Mike Hawk
Pelvis Safety Officer

NEW BRUNSWICK— This past week, rap icon Eminem debuted a freestyle against POTUS at the Video Music Awards expressing his distaste with his performance as president and quite frankly, as a human being. You can bet that fans of his who are also supporters of Trump were outraged by his freestyle where he calls the president out for his racist tendencies, lack of human empathy and for being an orange.

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YA’LL Eminem pretending to kill himself because he’s edgy

This hot-take should come as no surprise as Eminem has been no stranger to political controversy constantly expressing his views in his artwork. In one of his most recent hits “Rap God” Slim makes reference to the killing of a bunch of children in the Columbine shooting, later stating that it shouldn’t be seen as a big deal since these tragedies happen all the time.

Apparently all of this was A-okay for his fans up until the moment he came for President Trump. Outraged, racists took to Twitter to voice their displeasure for being betrayed by one of their own.

“How THE FUCK am I supposed to claim racial superiority now!? All these years of having one of the best rappers of this generation be white and he fucking switched sides!! On top of that, all these black people keep sending him invites to their cookouts now, what does that even mean? Is it code? Is the race war finally happening? FUCK!” said Billy Bond.

Slim Shady most certainly knew this was coming and ended his freestyle with a tribute to his fans who may also support Trump.

“Fuck You”

Short, sweet and to the point, as Shady quite eloquently put it. At least they still have country music.

Kid Rock responds to Eminem cypher with unintelligible “Bawitdaba” remix

DETROIT–In response to Eminem’s rap putting Donald Trump on blast, Kid Rock loudly mumbled his support of the President with a “Bawitdaba” remix.

“Bawitdaba, da bang, da dang diggy diggy,” screamed a shirtless Rock into an overhead camera. “Bawitdaba, da bang, MAGA MAGA/Drain the swamp said my Presidenty-denty (Come on).”

Rock later released a statement calling for fans, who are already used to employing nonsensical rhetoric to demonstrate their support of Trump, to purchase and ramble along to the new song, whose content mirrors the incoherence of many right-wingers.

“The G’s with the forty’s and the chicks with beepers,” sang a possibly drunk Rock. “The northern lights and the Southern Comfort/And it don’t even matter if your veins are punctured/All the crackheads, the critics, the cynics/And all my heroes at the methadone clinics/Y’all are with me and the Prez right this minute.”

New Easton Ave Business Lets Rutgers Students Rent a Pet for a Semester

BY Caillou
Likes Kids

NEW BRUNSWICK— Last Thursday a new business opened on Easton Ave named Rent-A-Pet. Their primary business model is to create an establishment that allows impulsive college students to rent a dog or cat for a semester and not have to feel guilty about abandoning their pets when the year is over. The business was started by Rutgers Business School alumni Ben Schaffold, who was tired of seeing the despair caused by the abandoning of these innocent creatures.

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AWWW Rutgers student spending quality time with her new pet cow.

“Every time I see an abandoned pup or cat off College Ave my heart just fills with sadness. It’s so difficult for a college student to just bail on these animals. Our studies have shown that students who abandon their pets feel guilty for two to three weeks, and that’s something no student should ever have to go through,” said Schaffold.

So far, the business has been a tremendous success, as they have already rented out its entire stock of pets, as well as have a back-order for 68 more animals.

“I’m so glad I’m gonna get to spend my senior year with Snowball,” said Alexandra Antwani, who named the rented cat after her favorite Hostess snack item. “Cats are great for a school year, and not a day longer. Rent-A-Pet is a real game changer!”

Our lead scientists have gotten great results back from the pets, showing happiness levels matching those of Golden Retriever puppies at suppertime. The business has been considering expanding their supply to include birds, reptiles, fish, and farm animals for those on Cook/Douglass.

Freshman Women’s Studies Major Finds Out He’s Lesbian

BY Sue Denim
Gal That Fucks

NEW BRUNSWICK— After just three weeks into fall classes, Hayden Weiner came to the shocking realization that he is, in fact, be a lesbian. College is a time for discovery: Discovering who your friends are, what your interests are, and what you want to do with your life. For Mr. Weiner, it was discovering that he was actually a lesbian.

“I think I finally caught on to something during my second Gender, Culture, and Representation lecture. The professor was reading a story about a person who was attracted to females and I thought, ‘Hey that sounds a lot like me!’ Then she revealed that this person was a woman and I thought, ‘Oh my god. I’m a lesbian?!’” said Mr. Weiner.

lesbian
SHOCKER Artist rendition of the exact moment poor Hayden realized he was one of them gay chicks

The Rutgers LGBTQA+ community has reached out to Hayden and assured him that he was not the only freshman to undergo this life altering discovery, and that he will be accepted with open arms.

“It’s so strange. My whole life I’ve been attracted to girls and just assumed that meant I was heterosexual. I never even considered that this whole time I liked girls because I was lesbian,” said Mr. Weiner.

Professor Aubrey Hope -Fleming, the professor of that fateful lecture, has approached the Medium, explaining what she thinks the situation is.

“It is very common for students to come to this discovery about themselves in my classroom. I really try to get the students to rethink their view of sexuality. When I show a picture of a busty young broad on the projector to the enjoyment of many of the men in the audience, I want those men to be baffled when they find out that maybe they are actually women attracted to that young lady,” said Hope-Fleming.

The Women and Gender studies department has many resources and scientific papers that link college age men with late onset homosexuality.

“This is life changing for me. How will I ever be allowed in straight bars? Or take that dream vacation to Saudi Arabia?” said Weiner.

After some thought, Mr. Weiner has decided to embrace the change, and has since cut his hair six inches and has started wearing tucked in button down shirts, chinos, and loafers everywhere.

Trump Bans Citizens of Puerto Rico Labeling Them as ‘Second Class Mexicans’

BY The Ghosts of the Founding Fathers
Loves AR15’s

WASHINGTON — In the latest natural devastation that is Hurricane Maria, President Trump is taking quick precautions to prevent all the Puerto Rican refugees from coming into mainland United States. “We don’t want these island Mexicans to come to our country and take our jobs. We don’t want their salsa music and bad English to infect our airwaves.” Trump’s proposed wall wouldn’t just be a metal fence with barbed wires. It would be “a fully armored fortress complete with neo-Nazi’s, klansman and very fine people on both sides,” armed with tiki torches securing the parameters. All groups will also be unionized and are guaranteed vouchers for burritos or soft shelled tacos for every fortress hopper that they kill because fuck hard shelled tacos.

As Trump sent out his executive order, it was immediately shut down by Congress. Trump, dumbfounded, went on a tweetstorm where called all Puerto Ricans “…lame, tanned Floridians.” He then proceeded called meetings with all of his consultants to decide the most efficient way of denying help to the citizens of Puerto Rico.

As Trump continued his fit of rage, Hurricane Maria devastated mainland Puerto Rico. Since he could not find the support he needed for wall 2.0 he signed another executive order to take away the passports of every Puerto Rican on the island. Along with that, Trump also added Puerto Rico to the travel ban. Still being completely oblivious that Puerto Ricans are American citizens and cannot be banned from entering the mainland US, Trump is confident that this bill will pass in it’s entirety citing his past complete disregard of the law.

Rutgers to Honor Hugh Hefner With Lewd Magazine of Professors

BY Sue Denim
Gal That Fucks

NEW BRUNSWICK — In light of the recent news of the passing of Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, Rutgers University has decided to honor Hefner’s memory with a magazine of naked professors. Hefner died Wednesday night at the age of 91, surrounded by friends and loved ones in his mansion full of models. After hearing this tragic news, Rutgers University board members, including President Robert Barchi, met to discuss how the University should handle the death.

“We were thinking of how we could possibly honor the life of such a distinguished and admirable American leader, and came to the conclusion that the best way to keep his memory alive would be to keep the spirit of Playboy alive. That is why we will now be issuing our own monthly magazine of naked Rutgers professors,” said Barchi in an official University statement.

playboy
IN LOVING MAMMARIES Rutgers Magazine features plenty of good reading material

Rutgers has reached out to many professors to ask for their participation, and the invitations have been met with surprising enthusiasm. “I think it’s just a great way to celebrate the life of such a brilliant man,” said 51-year-old Anthropology professor Julie Russell, while posing nude around the Alexander Library flagpole.

Rutgers has promised payment of $200 to the teachers for each photo used in the magazine.

“As a tenured professor, money can get a little tight, so it’s nice to have an opportunity to make some cash on the side,” said 76-year-old Economics professor Howard Gurgich, while ass bent over his desk in front of flashing cameras.

Rutgers has since been meeting to decide who should run the magazine as editor-in-chief, and have already came to the decision to announce none other than athletic director Pat Hobbs, whom they believe will bring a certain spark to the position.
“I’m very excited to take this project under my belt. I’ve always wanted to do more with the teaching staff here, so I’m happy to get some more intercourse with these professors,” said Hobbs.

Hobbs projects that the magazine will make its money from production back in the first week, and will raise student morale. The magazine, to be called PlayKnight, will also feature peer-reviewed scientific articles, and will issue its first publication in time for Christmas.