Category Archives: News

Breaking: Tillerson Out As Secretary of State Following Trump Nightmare

WASHINGTON — Rex Tillerson is out as Secretary of State following a bad dream President Trump had late last night. Sources say Trump dreamed that Mr. Tillerson was a scary T-Rex chasing him around the South Lawn and through the Rose Garden of the White House before eating him, forcing Trump to wake up and scream, “Ahhhhhhh, you’re fired.” Trump then reportedly made the official decision to let Tillerson go, and consulted his stuffed penguin, Mr. Waddles, to help him get back to sleep.

University Mistakenly Thinks International Women’s Day Only Meant to Celebrate International Women

By Jane Samuels

The Rutgers Department of International Student Services mistakenly sent a memo to all of Rutgers celebrating International Women’s Day highlighting just the role of international women on campus.  “They thanked foreign women for adding to the diverse makeup of Rutgers’ female population while totally disregarding their domestic counterparts,” scoffed senior, Mara Greene.  The memo went on to say, “It’s days like today that remind us that the women who truly make this University stand out are the women from beyond our country’s borders.”  It does appear that the department in charge of International Students misunderstood the purpose of the day, which has been celebrated since 1908, to recognize the achievements of all women, not just those coming from foreign countries.

Local Idiot Tries to Fight all of Literary History, Loses

By Heywood Jablomi
Bad Writing Enthusiast

NEW BRUNSWICK — Deep in the dungeons of Murray Hall reside the creative writing students, most of them a couple commas short of a full sentence. They spend a lot of their time endlessly distracted by anything they can get their hands on or chugging energy drinks, but occasionally they focus for long enough to produce a mostly-complete short story.

Many of them are content to write whatever they can think of, maybe give it a proofread if they aren’t sleep-deprived to the point of being brain dead, then turn it in, but occasionally someone wants something more. Every once in a while, someone will think of something that they think hasn’t been done before. If they’re lucky, then they just don’t know who had the idea first, but some aren’t so fortunate. What the students don’t realize is that if something hasn’t been done in the hundreds of years that humans have been writing novels, it hasn’t been done for a reason.

Of those, some will have a rare moment of clarity and scrap the bad idea entirely. Some will even realize they’ve been trapped for weeks and search for an exit, only to realize that Murray Hall has been designed to keep them within indefinitely. Unfortunately, some will insist on seeing their project through to the bitter end, not realizing their mistake until it’s time for workshopping.

On workshop day, the student will be tied to a stick and held over a bonfire while their fellows will list of everything they hated about their story. The better the story, the higher their chance of getting out alive. Write something absolutely atrocious, however, and the student runs the risk of being roasted to death.

Such a fate befell a young freshman on a cold February morning, when he failed to realize that writing an avant-garde piece from the
perspective of a villain was an absolutely horrible idea, and spent a half-hour over open flames while his classmates gleefully tore his story to shreds, some of them literally, in front of him before finally succumbing.

Still no Rate my Professor Chili Pepper for Teacher who Fucked Three Students

By Sue de Nimm

NEW BRUNSWICK — Despite her best attempts, Rutgers professor Sheila Fuqueue has still yet to succeed at attaining a chili pepper on her Rate My Professor profile. Having already slept with 3 students in her Women’s Empowerment course, Fuqueue is struggling to come up with a good method of being awarded that elusive spicy vegetable of attraction.

The chili pepper was added to the Rate My Professor website to allow bored students to relive their glory days in high school and symbolically jack off to their hot teachers. Students can then check impending professors so they can pick a section in which they can at least daydream a reality in which they have a shot with someone way out of their league. For Professor Fuqueue, the lack of such recognition is humiliating.

“What more can I do?” said Fuqueue, fumbling over a half used bottle of Xanax and some used tissues. “I already bend over to pick up my clicker with my blouse unbuttoned at least 5 times a lecture while exclaiming ‘Whoops! I’m such a silly ol’ slut’. I mean I guess I could try anal.” Other professors in the department have the chili pepper, despite claiming to not even have given so much as a handie to a single one of their students.

“I mean, she was like, OK I guess,” said one of the fucked students Craigory Jamison, while skateboarding and drinking a Corona Lite. “I can’t just start handing out chili peppers to every professor that sucks my dick. There has to be an effort made, and I didn’t feel like she put in that effort.”

The University has stated that they will begin to crack down on instances like these that tarnish the good name of Rutgers by making sure that professors are working extra hard and ruling that no chili pepper be awarded to a teacher that hasn’t sucked and fucked at least a dozen students.

Accordion Folder Makes Surprise Appearance on Campus

By Nifty Knitter
Shame on a Knitta

NEW BRUNSWICK — We all remember middle school days filled with locker chandeliers, horizontal keyboard texting phones and developing weird feelings for our teachers. As the whisper of puberty tickled our armpits with hair and genitals with new sensitivities, we were starting to learn how to live in the world as young adults. From shaving to menstruation to braces, there was a lot for a young middle schooler to deal with and they had to do their best to stay organized. That’s why the accordion file folder rose to such tremendous popularity at the time. Between crushes and school dances and algebra, there was a lot to juggle and not everything could be handled properly. But at least you didn’t have to worry about Mrs. Kravitz’s poetry assignment getting mixed up with Mr. Gordon’s chemistry worksheet, thanks to the accordion file folder.

This innovation was one of the few times that you could neatly compartmentalize your stressful life as a middle school student. However, with the passing of time, the accordion file folder fell out of style and in high school, you were dependent on binders and notebooks and haphazardly tossing papers straight into your backpack. By the time you got to college, the accordion file folder was a distant memory. Unless you’re Maxwell Simmons, freshman Philosophy major.

In Phil 101, he nonchalantly pulled out a red and clear accordion file folder to the gasps of his classmate. “I haven’t seen one of those since I first learned how babies are made!” exclaimed Katie Bryant, fellow freshman Philosophy major. “I didn’t even know those still existed,” chimed in Roger Hugh, Philosophy professor. Maxwell unwittingly caused a huge disruption to class that dismantled the rest of the discussion on ethics of abortion. “I knew coming to college would be a big change, so I just wanted to bring something that would comfort me and help me stay organized,” he explained. The rest of the class is still trying to figure out how Maxwell acquired said relic.

Re-opening of Starbucks Attracts Unusual Customers

By Mike Hawk
Pelvis Safety Officer

NEW BRUNSWICK — This Monday was greeted by a grand re-opening of the Starbucks located at The Yard. Many have long awaited the opening as they had to resort to Panera for their regular dose of coffee. Some of you may be wondering why the Starbucks closed down in the first place. It turns out that Starbucks has a diversity quota to fill for their customers and they weren’t receiving enough support from the black community.

With the recent release of Black Panther and the overwhelming support it received, Starbucks decided it was the right moment to
make a comeback at the prime real estate location that is the Scott
Hall bus stop. This combined with the added bonus of it being black
history month would surely allow for the coffee shop to meet their
ever so daunting diversity quota.

Once the store opened, tons of customers flooded the shop with many old and some new faces. We spoke with the manager about how he thought business was going and he had this to say. “Business has been booming my dude! It definitely looks like we’ll be hitting our diversity goals this year which is great because I’m still on probation with corporate for racy comments and this will surely make me look great! Man, the blacks sure do love their coffee! I might just get a raise out of this!”

The manager could barely contain his excitement. We’re unsure how long this increased traffic towards the coffee shop will last but if one thing is for sure, it looks like it will be staying open for a long time.