By Icky Vicky
Rutgers University caught flak from students and faculty for accepting more students than the state university is built for. While Jerseyites feel this is on par for the state’s terrible infrastructure, many out-of-state students are alarmed by the lack of busses, cramped classrooms, and tsunami of freshmen yelling about how they got accepted to a better college but had to be closer to home.
While Rutgers has been, famously, screwing students over for years, things are especially dire now. Students are not receiving money for a majority of Rutgers related services. There is a campus-wide delay on refund checks, with students displeased that they couldn’t spend the money on drugs and alcohol during sylli week. The College Ave party scene— the cultural touchstone of the University— has been hit hard with this setback; frats and sororities are experiencing a 5 percent decline in “fresh-meat” freshman showing up at their doors.
One graduate student has not recieved his grant money yet, with him angrily excaliming, “Fuck Rutgers!”
All this turmoil has caught the attention of one infamous celebrity, the Nigerian Prince. Known for his spam emails that claim that he is out of money, but promising incredible rewards if helped, the prince has come all the way down to Rutgers to see how a place of such esteem can be screwing students over so hard.
“I know it may be of a surprise, but I have come here to make business relationship with Rutgers. Unfortunately, there no money here. I am at a loss,” Said the confused prince.
Alarmed by the unpunctuality shown by the University, the Nigerian Prince offers his sympathy to students. He emailed a statement, outlining the grievances he and the students have with the University. It is as follows:
“Dear Beloved Rutgers University, the State University of New Jersey,
I, behalfing on Rutgers students, am calling out the tardiness! No excuse for such travesty.
I am son of Al-Mon-E-tumee (great King back home). I am issuing statement to openly accuse Rutger University, the State University of New Jersey, of being a flat-out, in, and everything in between— a scam!
In order to give students, I am offering everyone a 20 percent total sum of USD6.8M for assistance in GOFUNDME for students here. Please I wish to help greatly, so all the money to me will help me go fix financial situation at home so I can give the USD6.8M to all students of Rutgers University, the State University of New Jersey.
At least I won’t be as late!
The Nigerian Prince”