Get in My Van
BY Dixon Scott
Alright, kid, I know what your parents told you. “Don’t get into a stranger’s vans if they offer you candy.” And alright, fair enough, but I’m not just offering you candy. I’ve got pizza and ice cream in here too-as much as you could want. Eat as much of anything as you’d like. If you don’t tell your parents, then you won’t get in trouble. There’s no bedtime in here either; you can stay up playing as late as you want. Think of me like your grandpa-the rules at your house don’t apply in mine. Yeah, that’s a good boy, come on in. You’re gonna have a great time here.
No, Get in My Van
BY Hans Norman
Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard all about Dixon and his van. Well listen up, because I’ve also got pizza and ice cream. Offering nothing but candy is for the geezers that are all dropping out of the game. Not only that, but this offer isn’t just for you, you can invite as many friends as you want. Don’t worry, I’ve got plenty of the good stuff for everyone. It’ll be the best slumber party of your life, trust me. No? Not interested? Alright, bonus offer. I’ve got a lot of ice cream for you guys, it’s gonna get very messy. So just don’t bother with clothes! This van is a clothing-optional zone. Kids hate clothes, right? Tonight, you don’t have to bother. So go get your friends and let’s have a good old naked time!
BY Allison Emmerly
China is a vast diverse land with different dialects, races of dragons and most importantly-some would argue-different styles of food. Yet, somehow, we Americans think it is totally acceptable to lump all types of food into one category as Chinese food.
It is wholly ignorant to characterize all of the rich delicacies, from the Tibetan Plateau to the Yellow Sea, as one type of cuisine. This type of overgeneralization fails to recognize the rich intricacies of a dish and denies attribution of the food to its heritage-say between a Mongolian beef, with its notes of garlic and ginger, and a Hunan beef, with its trademark hints of Thai chili. It would be a crime to neglect different flavor profiles created by the artisanal vinegar common in Shandong dishes compared to the common use of garlic in Cantonese dishes.
By lumping them all into one category, you are insulting each region and each culinary history. Would it ever be acceptable to group the unique elements that make up New England clam chowder and New Orleans gumbo and categorize them as American soups? Hell no! It’s time we take aim at this uninformed and somewhat racist approach to food taxonomy. I will no longer order from my local chinese restaurant until they change titles to “insert Chinese region here” restaurant, no matter how delicious their Egg foo young is, nor until they accurately follow the recipe for Kung Pao chicken and add both peanuts and authentic Shaoxing wine and I encourage you to do the same. This blatant whitewashing has gone on for too long and we must take a stand where it matters: at the take-out box.
Grammar Nazis Are the Worst Type of Nazi
BY Rick White
I feel like neonazis get a bad rap because we believe jews, blacks, non-whites etc. aren’t people. And I get it-if I were a jew, Black, non-white etc, I guess I would kinda be like what the heck, I am a person! But grammar nazis are soooo much worse. Like where did they come from? They not only attack aforementioned groups, they attack everyone regardless of race, religion or whether you believe your race is superior. I’d say a group that targets everyone and how they speak is way more bad than our way more narrower targets. Like, say for example, you are a law abiding, money-grubbing Jew. Grammar nazis would persecute you, not because you’re a money-grubbing Jew, but solely because you don’t refer to the antecedent with a pronoun. Like what the hell? Grammar nazis clearly don’t understand the point behind being a nazi. It’s not about attacking someone for how they speak, it’s about attacking someone who isn’t racially pure solely because of physical or ideological characteristics.
Neo-Nazis Are Clearly Worse
Woah, woah, woah. Before I even get into the content of your argument, I must first make some comments on the form in which it’s written. You seem to haphazardly capitalize proper nouns at some times and arbitrarily leave them in the lower case other times. Additionally, you ended a sentence on a preposition, which is now socially acceptable in everyday discourse, but is grammatically still incorrect. Furthermore, you almost correctly utilized the comma, but you forgot to use a conjunction after it when connecting two independent clauses. Now onto your claim that grammar nazis are “more bad” and why regardless of the factual implication you make, this is simply incorrect because bad can’t be used as a comparative, so you would have to replace it with “worse.” On that same note, “narrower” is already comparative, therefore the “way more” is redundant and not grammatical. Now let’s talk hyphens… Here, you use “law abiding” as a single idea to modify “Jew,” so you need to hyphenate them to create a compound adjective. You correctly hyphenated “money-grubbing,” so I don’t know why you didn’t apply the rule to the previous modifier. Overall, you do not seem have a clear grasp on many simple grammatical rules, as evidenced by correct employment of rules in some cases, but not others. It seems that when you skipped class in grade school for some skinhead meetup, you missed a few crucial grammar lessons.