By Nahil Akbar
Man, I’d never thought I could do it, but I was able to escape the state penitentiary in Trenton. I couldn’t believe just how easy it was. Our prison guard was out for the day so we had our substitute cop in. What was even better is that it was donut day at the cafeteria. I stuffed a whole box in my pants and when it was time for the daily routine checks, it was my time to shine. When the cop came to my cell, he fainted from the aroma of my ball sweat covered donuts. Then, I reached for his keys, took his clothes, and walked my way to freedom. Too easy. Even skipping physical education class back during my school days was more of a challenge than this. Hell, this was even easier than escaping my former arranged marriage. I kept telling my parents I didn’t want to marry and I’d rather just live my life as a crappy fiction writer. They weren’t having it. They kept saying words like dishonor, family, doctor, and disappointment. I honestly didn’t care. Nor did I care about the girl they were trying to arrange me with. As I resisted every attempt from my parents trying to get me married, I unintentionally created Family Politics War episode 2434. The episode finally ended when I decided to rob my family’s own convenience store, so I could be sent to prison. Only then did I finally escape the nightmare. While I may have lost 6 months of my life in the slammer, I in return saved myself many years of misery from my parents asking when my children would become doctors and eternity of being married to a woman I didn’t love.
By Bill O’Leary
Yeah. That’s right, you read that right, white people need to die. I don’t mean every single one of them. But I do believe we—yeah that’s right, I’m a whitey too—need to shed some blood. Every time I see the headline, “Man shot by police,” I hope that the victim is a white male. It’s only fair. We deserve it. Each time, I open up my laptop and click on the news links to see if I’m going to see the face of a white bastard, deserving of a bullet, and instead it’s always some poor, black kid, who was wearing a hoodie, or walking down the street with skittles. It’s just so unjust that only minorities are shot by police and I believe that maybe the best way to get over the racial divide in this country is to allow for the score to be evened. I firmly believe whitey has to spill some blood to make that happen, only then will our country be united. I offer to be first.
BY Linda Albert
Ever since this whole sexual harassment scandal started to unfold with Bill O’Reilly, Harvey Weinstein, Louis C.K., Kevin Spacey, Brett Ratner, George Takei, Roy Moore etc., I’ve noticed some odd behavior in the office. It all started with Paul from accounting bringing in donuts every day for the past week and offering them to the ladies of the office and Kyle before anyone else. Then there was George from marketing who complimented my blouse and then quickly muttered, “I mean, only in a professional way, I like the color, nothing else.” And then there’s Dennis in sales who accidentally bumped into me as we were leaving the elevator and started profusely apologizing for touching me, claiming, “It was a complete accident. I’ve never wanted to touch your body. Not even that time at the company picnic.”
It’s as if they’re all on the defensive, afraid that any past action can and will be used against them, and it will. I kind of pity the way they shudder, tiptoeing around the office, cautious of every decision and comment they make. But it’s about freakin’ time. I’m tired of them thinking it’s okay to comment about screwing the secretary or have a literal dick-measuring contest in the break room. They need to learn to behave as professional adults and they should be afraid that at any moment they could lose their jobs for being perverted assholes. And Gary, if at the next board meeting if I catch you staring at me while you have your hand down your pants, you know damn well I’ll report you. I am now empowered and will take down anyone that tries to go down on me.