Category Archives: Opinions

Are we Just Gonna Ignore that Justice League Ripped off Wind Waker?

By Heywood Jablomi

I got published three times this week, damn

 

Justice League has received much criticism for having a bad villain, continuity errors from reshoots, lame CG, upper lip issues, awful dialogue, and generally not being a very good movie. But in the year and a half since its release, there’s something that no one’s seemed to mention that hasn’t seemed to have gotten any attention: the plot is completely ripped off from the Legend of Zelda classic The Wind Waker!

Let’s take a look at the villain, Steppenwolf. The fact that he’s entirely composed of CGI makes him look very cartoony, he’s not of the same species as any of the heroes, and he’s one of the “new gods”, an intentional allusion to powerful deities. In Wind Waker, Ganondorf is the only Gerudo seen in the game, the art style makes him (and everything else) cartoony, and as established in Skyward Sword, all versions of Ganondorf are reincarnations of Demise, a powerful being from a land beyond the mortal world.

Similar villains don’t mean much, though, considering how many villains are samey, but keep that in mind while I explain their evil schemes: Ganondorf wants to collect three macguffins (the parts of the triforce) in order to terraform the land and rule over it, while Steppenwolf… wants to collect three macguffins (much less interesting boxes) to terraform the land and rule over it. Both Link and Batman need to assemble a group of people to fight their opponents, too! Link (accompanied by the King of Red Lions) finds Medli, Makar, and eventually Princess Zelda, while Batman (accompanied by Wonder Woman) finds the Flash, Aquaman, Cyborg, and eventually Superman; and both of them encompass people of different genders across different species to fight a common opponent.

While I’m certain the good folks over at Nintendo who poured their blood, sweat, and tears into crafting this game must’ve noticed how Justice League stole their entire plot, they’ve evidently been kind enough to not pursue action. Of course, that may just be because they’d be throwing stones in glass houses: don’t even get me STARTED on how Majora’s Mask ripped off Into the Woods.

You Listen to a lot of Rage Against the Machine for a Bootlicker

By: Zack de la Rocha

 

If you have listened to a single Rage Against the Machine song and you are not seeking to subvert the malicious systems of abuse which the government of the United States inflicts upon its people, then you are nothing more than a silent proponent of the proto-fascist doctrine it has been pushing since its conception. Every drop of blood on the hands of the American police, the American Military, ICE, the Klu Klux Klan, Charles Manson, The Zodiac Killer, The Triangle Shirtwaist Fire, and Cain, son of Adam and Eve, is on your hands as well. You actively benefit from power structures which suck the life out of less fortunate communities. The revolution will never start if it does not start now. What are you doing? Stop reading this. The electricity you use to run the device you’re reading this on is sourced from inhumane electricity farms where hamsters run on really big, really heavy wheels. They’re in pain. They’re in pain because of you. One of them just died yesterday from over exertion. His name was Nibbles. You killed Nibbles you soulless, spineless, worthless fascist. And you don’t even fucking care. You’re going to finish reading this and go back to what you were doing before, because you just don’t give a shit about anyone but yourself. Fuck you. You disgust me.

For Fuck’s Sake, You All Need to Masturbate

By: Pope Francis

 

Do you all know what it’s like to be surrounded by non-masturbators? The Vatican is crawling with men who haven’t cum in a Kleenex since they were 13. I have nothing to say about the Nuns, though. I know what they really do with Rome’s homeless when they’re out doing that “missionary” bullshit. The other day Sister muff came back and wiped some questionable liquid from her chin. I know she hates milk because she doesn’t shut the fuck up about it whenever we get ice cream. My point is, someone’s population paste ended up on her face. 

As I was saying, all you men have to choke your chickens, whether they’re uncircumcised or the typical mushroom shape favored in America. Every day I try to preach to the masses outside and it stresses me out. You know what helps? Releasing 500 million little shits into the bedsheets. I’m pretty sure there were a few black ones in their last time, but I don’t know what the hell that was about.

My point is, rubbing one or two or three out a day will help you. Maybe you are worried about God disapproving, but don’t worry. God came to me in the form of a ghost last night and told me that it is now okay. It was definitely God the father who spoke to me, I am sure of it. So you all have a green light to cum at your leisure. 

However, I do have one request. Do not involve choir boys in your masturbation. The Church is already dealing with a lot of scandals regarding them. I know that they keep their mouths open and stare at you and sing. You have to think, “who wouldn’t want to fuck that?” But please, refrain for the good of the Church. God wants it that way. Amen.

We Should be Happy About Climate Change, Which is Definitely Natural

BY TIMOTHY TURNER

 

We kids sure do have a big challenge ahead of us what this whole climate change thing, but I have complete faith in us to overcome it. In fact, I have so much faith in us that I can’t help but see it as a net positive for humanity as a whole! Sure, we may never see snow again, but soon we will have an infinite summer! No more pencils! No more books! No more Mr. Crocker staring me down every time I bend down to pick up a pencil! I know if I could wish for anything in the world, an infinite summer would be on the top of my list!

Not that I could wish for it or anything, that would be ridiculous! But… I mean… you could see why I would right? Infinite summer! Every kid’s dream! Think of all the happiness it will bring to the world! Sure, millions of people’s houses will be under water, and there’s gonna be a global humanitarian crisis, but how was I supposed to know how many lives would be lost? And hey… no home means no homework right? It’s a win win! If you think about it, refugee camps are just one big outdoor sleepover! And… And… Listen I’m sorry okay! Wanda went to Fairy World for a few days to visit her parents and Cosmo thought it was a good idea! How was I supposed to know any better? I’m like 12 years old! I didn’t mean for this to happen. I should have learned my lesson after I wished for the NYC skyline to be less cluttered.

I Don’t Smoke Weed, and Even if I Did it Wouldn’t be a Big Deal, Mom

BY CHRIS ROBERTSON

Mom… Mom… MOM! Give me like five minutes before you start screaming, okay? Good. Maybe if you learned these communication skills sooner then dad wouldn’t have left you for better mom. Anyway, listen, I’m not high. Like, I don’t even know what weed is. Or… Umm… What it feels like. And, I mean, why would I? You raised me better than that! You were very very careful to make sure that I was discouraged from any and all drug use. And it worked! Like, you should have seen that party mom. Everybody was doing coke and all I did was smoke a little weed! I was being responsible as hell!

I mean, wait- I didn’t smoke any weed at all! I, like, went around handing out water bottles and stuff so that nobody woke up hungover! Just like you taught me! Remember? When dad would come home slashed and you’d tell me to get him water so he could get up for work in the morning? I remembered! It played out the exact same way too! Within 30 minutes of the vodka coming out people were fighting. Like physically! Just like you guys! And honestly I was too high for that, so I just started crying! Just like when you guys did it! I mean… FUCK. Okay mom, I’m high. Do you really care that much? Like, I drove home just fine. I could be dead, but instead I’m home before… What time is it? One? And… Uh… Jeez mom, what did you make for dinner? I got the munchies HARD.

SHAME on you, Mr. Trump. FOR SHAME.

By Lt. Cpl. S.F.C. Chiappa Remington Wesson Junior, Valor Paladin

ATTENTION PATRIOTS:

 

I am a huge fan of our glorious Commander In Chief and his FANTASTIC policies. I have valiantly stood by your side before and I will VALIANTLY do so AGAIN. Mister President Donald John Trump, if a Radical Muslamic Jihadist MS-13 ANTIFA THUG SLEEPER AGENT implanted a dollop of C4 plastic explosive in your suppositories, I would gladly oblige to KNEEL and SUCK THEM from your immaculately tan VOLUPTOUS GLUTES, Mr. Trump— EVEN IF it disrespected the anthem. 

 

I have stood by you through the FALSELY corroborated sexual assault allegations from over 30 crisis actors. I have STOOD by you SEPARATING, CAGING, and TRAUMATIZING the jimmies out of the DANGEROUS 8 year old MS-13 shock troops. I have STOOD by you, FERVENTLY SHOUTING at the DISRESPECTFUL ANTI-FREE SPEECH SNOWFLAKES in the ball game and petitioning for their blacklisting. I have DEFENDED your honor against the MAINSTREAM MEDIA smears pulling your innocuous remarks out of context. What’s RACIST about calling African countries shitholes? What’s wrong about saying Jeffrey Epstein likes his girls young? Mr. Trump, you flew aboard his plane FIRSTHAND, why WOULDN’T you and Clinton know how Jeff likes his girls? 

 

I ADMIRE your DUTIFUL rule, Sir Donald John, but you may have just crossed a bridge I’m not willing to follow. With all due respect Mr. President, why THE FUCK are you weaponizing the FDA to infringe on our freedoms? Why can I no longer rip fat vape clouds in the comfort of my living room? Why are you turning my zoomer nephew into an outlaw JUST because he’s an aspiring middle school bathroom entrepreneur? Why do you have to make an infraction that affects MY life and MY bottom line, Mr. Trump? I don’t have much in this life: kids won’t answer my calls, my ex wife’s side of the bed is cold, and the alimony fees are hemorrhaging me dry. If my sole source of catharsis makes me bleed from the lungs, Mr. President, so be it. You’ve already got me hung upside down like a plump hog with its throat cut on the rafters, BLEEDING arterial spray ALL OVER the slaughterhouse.

 

Mr. Trump, I am a man very much against authoritarian statist tyranny; that is why I hang my Gadsden Flag HIGH above my F-150 pickup, right besides the Blue Lives Matter Punisher Skull flag, I.C.E. flag, Stand For The Anthem flag, and miscallaneous assortment of pro-HERO OFFICER flags. Sir, all I ask is that you respect my basic human liberty to roll coal AND Fruit Suicide Nicotine Salt, or I may protest with VERY disparaging naughty signs outside The White House, the Chicago Trump Tower, the New York Trump Tower, the Mar-A-Lago Resort, or where ever you may lie. One thing they teach you in Basic is how to track the OpFor through any terrain. If necessary, I WILL utilize those tactics, and I WILL violate the rules of engagement by bringing out the Tiger Coil, obnoxiously puffing inordinately massive Propylene Glycol lung hits at WHATEVER no-smoking facility you may be presiding in. Mr. President, I doubt you want to face down the horrors of mild inconvenience anymore than I do.

I respect you GEOTUS, I truly do, but until you overturn this abhorrent prohibition, you should be DEEPLY ASHAMED of yourself and question how you sleep at night.