Category Archives: Opinions

Politicians Should Wear NASCAR Jackets

by Alan Thicke Dong

We all know that almost no politician is completely clean. They’ve all got someone else’s grubby little fingers in their pockets, telling them exactly what to vote for. I think it goes without saying that Bernie Sanders might just be the only one who is actually clean, and this is a huge problem for all the people out there who hate being kind to others and sharing what you have with the needy; they need someone clean, too. This just isn’t gonna happen. You’re expecting people to serve their country faithfully while only getting paid the amount they agreed to when they took the job? Ridiculous!

So, if politicians aren’t gonna not accept “donations” from lobbyists, what can we do to help the American people know what they’re really voting for? I suggest that all politicians be forced to wear NASCAR-style jackets whenever they are performing any professional duties. These jackets will have patches advertising exactly which multinationals have bought them off and are influencing their vote. This won’t exactly solve the problem, I bet that not every politician is fashionable enough to decide it might just look better to not accept dirty money than that horrible jacket does, but it will at least help people know what they’re getting themselves into. When we have major corporations literally pushing the US into military conflicts, like ITT in Chile, Union Carbide in India, United Fruit in Guatemala, Gulf Oil stopped us from going into Angola but only because they’d lose money, First National Bank of NY and Haiti, and Standard Oil of NJ in Russia (look them up, it’s all true). Maybe, just maybe, the people show know they really vote for the big corporation playing puppets with our politicians.

Why the Lockdown Protesters ARE MORE Than the Modern Rosa Parks

By Lt. Cpl. Brg. USMS Chiappa Remington Wesson, Jr

 

ATTENTION PATRIOTS: As you know, our nation has been UNDER SIEGE by the MANUFACTURED COVID-19 BIOWEAPON HOAX, orchestrated by the GLOBALIST DO-NOTHING DUMMYCRATS! A PERNICIOUS, insidious, SINISTER HOAX that has “claimed the lives” of over 30,000 CRISIS ACTORS, INCLUDING my FIRST BITCH WIFE. Reap the fruits of that ALIMONY in the ICU bed, you ungrateful WHORE?!?!

 

But I digress. While I’ve been INSIDE, lubricating my AR receivers and sculpting my tinfoil power armor against 5G INFILTRATION, a valiant group of BOLD PATRIOTS across the country have stepped OUTSIDE to resist this egregious, blatant, TYRANNICAL STATIST OPPRESSION! One of those BRAVE PATRIOTS was a woman who held a DEFIANT LAST STAND on the steps of a Huntington Beach Baskin-Robbins, brandishing a sign of the famous Patrick Henry screed: GIVE ME LIBERTY, OR GIVE ME DEATH!

 

Some leftist REGRESSIVES may argue that she’s unwittingly promulgating death, and potentially her own, but IS there TRUE LIBERTY in this nation if we do not have the liberty to play Russian Roulette with our immune systems whilst eating ice cream? IS this NOT a worse injustice than some refugee snowflake prison camps, resource scarcity, dictatorial abuses of authority, or PALTRY “police brutality”? Things that ONLY happen under the General Tso’s Regime and NO OTHER GOVERNMENT? She might be one of the Christ-murdering gays, but Ellen has been DEAD ON at respecting our PROUD WAR CRIMINALS and likening this TO THE FUCKING! OPPRESSIVE! JAIL! IT! IS! 

 

Stephen Moore, one of our God Emperor’s valiant advisers, compared her to the modern day Rosa Parks, but I feel that is a UNDERSTATED MISNOMER! Me, her, Ellen, and THE LOT might as well be the modern-day NELSON MANDELAS! WE might as well be the I.C.E. kids CAGED LIKE ANIMALS in abandoned Wal-Marts! Those guards might separate families, but at least THEY have the FREEDOM to not be separated SIX FEET APART! We must do EVERYTHING IN OUR POWER to liberate ourselves from THE CHAINS of such UNJUST AUTHORITARIAN RULE as a wide open ice cream shop… MAYBE CLOSING?!?!?!

 

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS! 

RAGE AGAINST THE DYING OF THE LIGHT!

DEATH FOR HIGH FRUCTOSE MSG MILKY SAUCE OR BARBARISM!

Top 12 Things That Suck Most About Working in a Refrigerated Morgue Truck

By Madeline “Zoomer Mortician” Mori, Local TikTok Influencer And Funeral Industry Professional

 

Hey guys! So in light of some unforeseen circumstances that were foreseen months ago by all epidemiologists with common sense, we’ve had to take my work with Fenwiek Funeral Home ON THE ROAD! This isn’t like the IDEAL way I wanted to tour around and see my fans, but that’s the life of making a living out of death y’all. Shit happens, and sometimes you gotta stuff, renegade, whip, and nae nae that shit into a refrigerated morgue semi!

 

From New Brunswick’s Willow Grove Cemetery to New York’s Hart Island Mass Grave, I’m elated to have steady essential work in these trying times. I’m also grateful to be isolated around plenty of company, EVEN IF that company isn’t always the most active, talkative, conscious, or oxygen auspicious. But living life propped up by death on 18 wheels isn’t always the most steady, stable living! Here’s some of the big things that SUCK about working aboard a COVID truck!

 

  1. 4G LTE truck reception is WAAAAYYY too slow for posting your 5G conspiracy theories!!!!! 

 

  1. You can’t decorate the morgue lockers, even the one that might be your own in two weeks time! LITERALLY MAKES NO SENSE!!!!! 

 

  1. Outside trailer; warm AF. Inside trailer; chill AF. Too chill AF, even WITH a hazmat suit!!!!!111

 

  1. Too much savagery, too little classy bougie rachetry 😦 

 

  1. You can’t do a trailer toosie slide without sliding on your ass down the 95!

 

  1. Rigor mortis eeewwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

  1. Some HEAVY AF lifting up the trailer! Can’t the New Yorkers hire their Mafia guys to like, saw down the fat?!?!?!

 

  1. CB radio doesn’t play the TikTok OR Top 40 hits 😡

 

  1. A pandemic wreaking exponential 9/11’s across the world would’ve been THE PERFECT time to hone my Banana Bread Game, but now I’ve been CALLED away from that!!!!! TF guyzzzz?

 

  1. The hire-ups won’t let me bring my frozen #SelfCare stress-eating pantry of Toaster Strudels and Totino’s Pizza Rolls on the road!!!! In a FROZEN morgue truck? HEEEELLLLLOOOOOO?

 

  1. Lowkey, body bags of dead corpses HIGHKEY buzzkill the Tik Tok dance mood, deadass.

 

  1. Knowing that you’re being martyred as a “hero” and not expendable cannon fodder for an easily preventable pandemic that the narcissistic, sociopathic dipshits up top didn’t give a shit about preventing! Capitalism? One hundred percent CERTIFIABLY NOT LIT, y’all 😥

My Review of COVIDs 1-18

By Doug Walker

Hello I’m the Nostalgia Critic, I forget workplace abuse allegations so you don’t have to!

Amid this pandemic I’ve decided to expand my repertoire of nostalgic things to review OUTSIDE the realm of cinema! I’m excited to move into literature reviews next week with a back-to-back double header of David Duke’s My Awakening and William Pierce’s Turner Diaries, but before that, I’m gonna review the pandemics themselves!

Kellyanne Conway made a great and epidemiologically accurate point when she said that COVID-19 wasn’t COVID-1 on Fox News. Thus, hearing that inspired me to look back at the greatest hits, plunders, and prequels we all totally remember and love, with a review of all the prior 18 COVID pandemics, in ONE review! Aren’t exclamations and CAPITALIZATIONS AND LOUD NOISES FUNNY? Haven’t I accomplished more with my life than being a former janitor who’s sense of humor was cryogenically preserved in 2009? I’m not so sure these days, but here’s what I’m sure about COVIDs 1-18!

COVID-1: The origin. You could see how the artists were really working out their kinks and the nascent early moldings of their stylistic choices here, but they ultimately never came to fruition. Started in some bats or armadillos and only ended in an anticlimactic shoutout from the President’s counselor.

2 SARS 2 CoV: The 2nd installment in 2003. Really a downer masterwork of body horror with pneumonia symptoms out the wazoo. It only infected 8000 people though, so they didn’t quite up the ante to the series’ present installment.

Bat Man and COVID: Wasn’t really a fan of the 27-minute long take Big Lipped Alligator Moment where Jeff Garlin intubated his viral load into Ashley Judd with his Bat Credit Card. A BAT CREDIT CARD??!?!? INFLECTION OF [PREDICATE] INTO [SUBJECT]???

A New CoV: Really shoddy bioweapon. If Darth Vader was trying to murk an entire planet with it, how come it didn’t even leave the lab?

COVID-5G: I had The Cinema Snob try Crystal Pepsi in a review, and that made him sicker than a syringe of this stuff made me. VERY underwhelming.

Return of The SARS: Definitely a trope-setter to the newest installment, a la John Carpenter’s Halloween, but definitely underwhelming in hindsight after you’ve seen it’s contemporaries.

COVID-ASSIA: We really tried to put our own take on this one, but it ultimately didn’t live up to my idols, Steven Spielberg and D.W. Griffith.
COVID and the Deathly Virals – Part 2: Daniel Radcliffe Booty Cheeks 2011

COVIXD: Essential viewing. One of the most powerful installments of the series.

COVID’s 11-17: NON essential viewing.

COVID-18: Massive dropoff in libertarian viewership after this installment. Wonder why?

I Need Guns to Defend my Virginity

By IncelKing2

The whole world may be getting more and more sexual every day, but not me! I’m a good Christian boy who has never been able to get a date, so I’ve just kinda leaned into it. I’ve decided that I’m never gonna have sex, no matter how many hot women come onto me (and it’s a lot). But, since I’ve got so many women trying to get my v-card, I need a way to defend myself from this pussy avalanche! I’ve decided that the best way to go about this is to build a boat, a whole boat, made out of nothing but guns! Guns, guns, and more guns! 

If Noah can make an ark out of gophers or whatever, I can build a yacht out of much more modern equipment, BR4 Odins. I’m just gonna rig them together (somehow, tbd) so that I can press a single button and they all go off. No woman will ever be able to touch my peepee on the open sea on my literal gunboat. Early tests of my idea haven’t been that fruitful. Apparently, assault rifles aren’t buoyant. My whole idea is kinda dependent on this, so I’m not really sure how I’m gonna move forward. If anyone has any ideas, please email me at IncelKing2@aol.com. But again, I’m a good Christian boy, so please don’t solicit sex, thanks.

Have You Made Your Quarantine Profitable?

By Icky Vicky

 

The world as you know it is slowly collapsing around you. We all are slowly morphing into a homogenous mass that wears comfy sweatpants and unkempt hairdos 24/7. All of your hopes and dreams have been reduced to the basic instinct of outlasting a global pandemic that is decimating your friends and family. Don’t even get me started on how fucking horny we all are now!

And despite all of this and more weighing down on everyone’s minds, you come across some faux-alpha male moron who has the gaul to post this on his Instagram story: 

 

“If you don’t come out of this quarantine with:
     -A new skill
     -Your side hustle started
     -More knowledge
You never lacked time, you lacked discipline.”

To add further insult to injury, he adds: “Facts 🔥”. 

 

By now you have scrolled passed countless burgeoning self-help gurus that have been crawling out the woodworks. They come in all shapes and forms: TikTok thots (including the twinks), Twitter meme accounts (or political pundits; I certainly can’t tell the difference anymore), and that one ‘entrepreneur’ that you used to go to highschool with. All of them boast of their ‘hustle’, aloft from their high towers emblazoned with a blue check mark, ‘the new social currency’.  It’s quite a sight to behold, as they still remain a part of the hopeless masses who cling to trite affirmations that our education system brainwashed us into believing as the key to success.

Why is it that some people think we need to develop a perfect ‘side hustle’ and achieve productive amounts of personal growth when the understandable stress and fear of the present and future is clearly doing untold amounts of mental damage on us all? While a global pandemic ravages our population, why do so many want to prop up their egos with the false sense of satisfaction that they are able to make time in quarantine profitable, all the while demeaning the rest of us? Who wants to be the one to tell them that their ‘side hustle’ won’t do anything for the inevitable global recession that is going to be served to all of us as a second course to this unpalatable meal we’re being force fed? 

It’s just like Highschool Musical, we’re all in this together. 

So do me a favor next time you see these productive gurus. Remind them that the second course will be bland, tough as nails, and leave us with an upset stomach, that will then turn out to be a stomach virus, making a lasting mark in our intestines, as we defecate all of our hopes and dreams in a never-ending torrent of diarrhea. 

Nothing will be left but withered husks, drained of all passion and fluid, resigned to our fates, as they try to speak, without the energy to make a sound, using their dried chalked up lips to mouth the words, facts

Bernie’s Only SUSPENDING His Campaign

By The Opinions Editor

Okay, I guess I have to say it because literally no other media site will: Bernie Sanders is not dropping out! He’s said it himself, he’s only suspending his campaign and he’ll still be on the ballot in every single state, he’ll still retain his delegates, and he’s still gonna be at the DNC fighting for the nomination. Why is everyone so against him that they will blatantly report false information? Even the super-duper lefties I know are putting shit on Twitter and Instagram about Bernie dropping out, no more Bernie. Bullshit!

Maybe I’m just so aggravated because everyone’s been doing everything they can to put Bernie down from the start, maybe it’s because I can’t stand the thought of two senile old men getting up on that debate stage and yelling incoherent sentences, going back and forth about “yuge” this and “listen, fat” that. I couldn’t stand it. For god’s sake, I’m gonna be a history teacher someday and I don’t wanna cry each year when the curriculum gets to the 2020 election, explaining to a room full of students that the country turned its back on a man dedicated to change for 50 years, wanting nothing more than security and safety for the people, in favor of one of two idiots that wouldn’t pass a mental wellness check from a doctor if they didn’t pay them off. Reagan went through his presidency with Alzheimer’s and you all know how well that went. Please don’t spread false information, remind everyone that supports Bernie that there is still a sliver of hope, but that won’t happen if they don’t know they can still vote for Bernie in the primaries.

I Nutted When My Professor Pulled His Teeth Out During Webex Lecture

By Wood U. Were

I think I should start from the beginning and try to explain myself. Now that I don’t have to hike twenty minutes to the nearest bus stop and then take three different buses to get to class, I can actually sleep in, so I take advantage of it. Since quarantine started, I have not gotten up more than two minutes before a lecture video started. But, the other day, my alarm woke me up in the middle of a really nice dream. A REALLY nice dream. I never would have wanted to wake up, I’d prefer just live in that amazing sex fantasy forever. So, understandably, when my alarm went off, I was sporting a massive woody. No, I will not be using any other term than massive.

So, me and my massive woody rushed out of bed and pulled up Webex. My professor was saying some shit about having stuff stuck in his teeth and, rather than just pick it out like a normal person, he decided to just yank his teeth out entirely and wipe them down. Well, when he yanked them out, the teeth made a weird, moist slurping sound [insert stirring mac and cheese soundbite] and my woody just lit up. It was purely natural, see. If I wasn’t already so turned on none of this would have happened, I promise. I feel just as dirty as you do. But you don’t have to go through what I did. Please, for the love of god, yank one out before class. Always.

Why is Public Masturbation Still an Issue?

By Brad Daniels

Okay, so I was just minding my business in the park at the center of my town when some motherfucking pigs cuff me and cart me off to the station! I don’t get what the big deal was! I understand that we’re supposed to be staying away from other people, but the park was totally empty. Yeah, I’m not gonna argue that I wasn’t choking my chicken, playing whack-a-mole, wrangling the snake, spanking the monkey, beating my meat, but I don’t see any issue with what I was doing. Seriously, before these cops showed up I was alone in this place, I don’t think that it still counts as “public masturbation.”

If I was doing this kinda thing any other time, like not during an international pandemic, I’d agree that it does need to be punished, but I could not have possibly been bothering anyone. I tried making this case to the arresting class traitors but they argued something about “social distancing,” but I promised them, absolutely no one was gonna get within six feet of me. Now I’ve gotta do sixty hours of community service (after this whole plague blows over) for doing what everybody else is doing. But, while everyone is doing it in their homes while other people might be around, I’m doing it in the middle of a park with no one anywhere near me! I’m a better citizen than anyone else!

The DNC is, in my Professional Opinion, Literally Throwing

By Chad 게이머

Overwatch League Analyst, Not Korean

 

We all love a good underdog story. The small-town golden boy has the odds stacked against him, and with enough determination he pulls through. This is not what’s happening in the 2020 democratic national primary. The DNC has decided to put all their eggs in Biden’s basket, figuratively speaking, choosing a recognizable yet completely unsubstantial candidate to take on the very embodiment of toxic capitalism. While their decision to fight capitalism with capitalism is questionable to say the least, there’s some even bigger flaws in their strategy.

Sure, everyone knows Biden’s name. He’s Obama’s white friend, and everyone loves Obama. He reminds us of a simpler time. Unfortunately, that’s all he has going for him. What are his policies? Fuck if I know. Fuck if anyone knows. But what he lacks in policy he also lacks in cognitive functions. Pushing a frontrunner who’s very obviously in the early stages of dementia is an interesting strategy, but hey, it worked for the GOP last time.

Looking at various bookies, there’s wildly different odds on whether Biden or Trump will win the matchup depending on who you ask, so I suppose it’s anyone’s game. I considered doing a segment on whether Biden or Bernie would be a better president, but it looks like that’s not really a thing us presidential race analysts do. As mind-numbingly stupid as running a rapey republican with regressing cognitive functions is as the democratic frontrunner, it looks like we’re shaping up for the mirror match for the ages.

I’ve just checked the blogosphere and saw a whole lot about Andrew Cuomo? Who hasn’t been in the race but is suddenly a serious candidate? Fuck this, I’m going back to Overwatch. I need something with a solid, unchanging meta after this bullshit.