Why is it so Hard to Buy Shoes????

By: Shoes Canal

Everyone loves a good pair of shoes. We as a society have evolved past the caveman thanks to the invention of shoes. It prevents us from getting hookworms, making our feet stink, and teaches us philosophy, religion, math, and evolution (which does not exist). I heard that Jesus could turn leather into shoes as one of his miracles.  

However, shoes are not a difficult commodity to acquire. With the woke libs destroying Payless  Shoes, and culturally appropriating Carhartt from the working man, I find it hard to purchase fashionable footwear.  But in our worst moments, a lifeline spawned. 

I was on Truth Social when I saw our lord and savior, Donald Jesus Trump, come out with a line of shoes. It could not be understated how amazing these shoes are. The gold plating exudes wealth and high status. The American flag embodies Trump’s exceptionalism against the rest of the world, especially those antichrist, commie Democrats (who also kill and eat babies). 

I was set to purchase the shoes when I got the worst notification. They were sold out. I could not believe my eyes. I had emptied my 401k, AND my wife and her boyfriend’s retirement accounts for this, but now I could not get the shoes I wanted. It would be the perfect addition to my collection of Donald Trump NFTs (which are only increasing in value) and my certificate from Trump University.

The libs want to prevent Trump from selling these shoes. I can’t believe that the fascist, baby-killing dems want to roll out the Biden Boots so that we are all forced to wear them. This is truly the end of democracy. I guess I have to settle for the Yeezy Pods. 

Give Me Your Tired, Your Poor, And Your Men Yearning To Break Free

By M.D. Phemsell

It’s been a while since y’all have last heard from me. I survived an assassination attempt, but that worthless man didn’t know how much spite I had in me. I won, and I live on. It’s Valentine’s Day, I have two hands (keeping it traditional), /r/gonewildaudio, and AO3 with me.

Honestly, with the shit I went through recently, I feel like I can tank a broken man. Fix him right up and send him out to the world like Normal SpongeBob. The mental illness would surely cancel out to some extent.

Dissenters will say that broken men will make broken lives, but if it’s broken, you gotta fix it! You know how men recoil when a woman reflects the same horny energy as them? I’ll have them doing the thousand-yard stare. In their vulnerable moments, like when they fail a test or lose a Reddit debate, I recommend hitting them with the “small talk” dialogue options, slowly molding them into normal beings. Maybe then you can radicalize them (convince them that women are people.)

I order my female fans to dress up and visit Busch campus; find a computer science student (they wear hoodies and khaki shorts, or you can pinpoint the onion-like odor, but that’s easy to mix up with engineering students, although they’re not better). Hit them with the batted eyelashes and compliment them; they’ll arch their back instantly. Once you date them, ignore the misogyny; just follow through with the plan. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Why We Need to Secede

By: Greg Abbott

The woke Supreme Court just issued a blatantly unconstitutional ruling. In the Department of Homeland Security v. Texas case, the Supreme Court basically said that Texas is a poopy state and named President Biden as the actual governor. 

What caused this you might ask? Well, Texas was just conducting regular border security, and we thought of this new way of preventing illegal aliens from entering the yeehaw state. Basically, we would have ICE border patrol agents dress up in pig masks, kidnap anyone who looked un-American, and take them to a special location. That location would be revealed to be a trap, where a puppet would come out and explain we wanted to play a game. The illegal would have to play the game by solving a problem; if they didn’t, they would die. If they did, we would dangle a green card in front of them, only to yank it away at the last second and kill them. The idea was so good, I almost stood up just to get down on my knees for my border security team as a bonus.

Apparently, Joke Biden and his cabal of WEF, Soros-backed, nazi communists heard about this and said we couldn’t do it. That made me hopping mad (if I could hop), and we sued. We thought that the Supreme Court would stand by Texas; after all, I gave Clarence Thomas, Amy Coney Barrett, Samuel Alito, Neil Gorsuch, and Brett Kavanaugh all personalized ass-eatings. 

Since the woke Supreme Court has started meatriding the communist, DEI, Biden regime, Texas cannot stay in the Union. Screw all of you and we are going to do our own thing. 

Group Projects are a War Crime

By: M.D. Phemsell

The Geneva Convention states that torture is classified as conducting methods on a person to obliterate the personality/diminish their physical or mental capacities… sound familiar? 

Yeah, you should remember that time when you were placed in a Business Analytics group with a (A) sorority girl, (B) a CTE-addled, cauliflower-ear gym bro, (C) a non-traditional adult with four kids, and (D) a Redditor. You, (A), and (B) get your work done in record time, albeit with some mistakes. (B) asks questions during the last hour before the assignment is due and still fucks it up, and (D) doesn’t do it and also spits on you because you’re a “fucked up looking woman.” and you just have to take that shit and do his part.

Nightmare. It’s a hellish, satanic nightmare. You’re swamped with work, and now you feel your brain deteriorating like the skin of a Krokodil user because you’re dealing with your professor’s criminal selection of students. I would rather never interact with another student again and revel in loneliness and social anxiety than speak to a man in an academic context ever again. I age a year per second when I have to do anything complicated with a group of people because somehow, I ALWAYS have to be the initiator. I don’t want to be an academic dominatrix stepping on my group members’ balls to respond to my texts or do their share of work, I hate you fuckers so much.

So, this article was a medium (hah!) to display my mental decline from group projects; I hope the ICRC reads this and nukes Rutgers.

REVIEW: Five Nights at Freddy’s was Not The Gratification I Needed, But…

By: Justin Gorged

Well, the Five Nights at Freddy’s movie has come and gone, but one member of the audience (me) did not “come” AT ALL! This movie, despite all the hype from neurodivergent children on the internet, did not give me the astounding climax that r/fnafporn promised (May
have been misled!).

Me and my bastard son arrived at the theater 15 minutes early after drinking 12 beers (11.5 me, 0.5 son, fucking pussy). My son was “cause playing” as some character from the game, and got a lot of attention from the other suitable father figure-less moviegoers. As we took our seats and the film began, I realized this was not gonna be the chub-inducing horror-fest I was promised.

However, this movie did provide me with something: Nostalgia. Nostalgia for the time I spent in, and getting kicked out of, the Chuck E. Cheese entertainment center, and nostalgia for the horror B-movies my mother showed me in early childhood, forever altering the trajectory of my life. The movie does not take itself too seriously, just like those classic low- budget horror films from the 80s, presumably intentionally, or maybe it was just bad.

Overall, even though the FNAF movie did not bring me to orgasm, it was still a fun goon sesh. I enjoyed my time with the film, but it’s definitely nothing to write to your ex about. If you’re a fan of the franchise, like my bastard son, you’ll love this movie more than the protagonist of your favorite Japanese MMORPG.

The Beginning of the End: Will the Chuck E. Cheese Movie Satisfy My Lust?

BY JUSTIN GORGED

It’s finally time, the biggest cinematic event of the year (for some reason) is coming to theaters: Five Nights at Freddy’s.

Now, do I not know what a Freddy Fast Bear is, but my braindead bastard son is obsessed with these Animal Fucks. When I went to ask him about it while he was grabbing me 12 beers, he would not shut the fuck up about these critters and their antics. However, my quest for a film that will give me more sexual gratification than my bitch wife is never ending, and I think this may be the one. Of course I try with every movie, despite not writing about it, (Killers of the Flower Moon got me to half mast) but this one has some serious potential to make me cum harder than a “FNAF Jumpscare Compilation” (My bitch sons words not mine).

The Reason for this? This movie has something from my youth that changed me forever; The Pizza Creature. Ever since I first stepped foot in a Charles Entertainment Cheese, I have been enamored by the man (or rat) himself. Chucky boy forever altered the trajectory of my life, and whenever I get drunk (every 8 Hours) I still yell his iconic catchphrase that he would always say to me, “Don’t touch me.”

If any of these animatronics have the same exaggerated swagger as the rat man himself, this movie will give me more satisfaction than any woman (or rat) ever has.

Stop Having Sex, I’m Being For Real!!!

By Ian Cell

At midnight, I decided to take God’s only given win for men, and walked at night alone. The pungent air of my dorm shifted to the humid, misty air of Livingston. As I strolled in the darkness, I hummed a tune from Halo 4. In the corner of my eye, I saw vibrant blue turn red. It’s a dorm’s LED lights. I hesitantly eyed the window and froze in shock at the silhouette of two students beginning a dance of forgettable, sloppy passion. To add to the offensive display, the window was open, and I was assaulted by the couple’s echoing groans and whines. Mostly the man; I think he was getting railed with a big, heavy strap-on.

I am voluntarily celibate, and I’m proud. I’m not getting emasculated by a self-proclaimed  10, who’s really a 3. I don’t have any STDs, I don’t worry about showering to please females, and my time is spent talking with my Discord boys and playing video games! Peak alpha male living. 

Sure the “Chad” in that dorm might’ve enjoyed the rush of dopamine while being repeatedly filled by an artificial cock (judging by his moans reverberating across the campus). What that soyboy didn’t realize was that his T-Levels were rapidly decreasing as she dominated him. But, I was still under the dorm, and my night was soured. I cried. It’s sickening to listen to the disgusting sounds of men lose willingly. A vampiric-looking, disheveled, pale woman saw this and laughed. I choked up and ran away. To my dismay, my body betrayed me. I was rock hard.

The Medium Presents: A dialogue about balancing climate action with economic stability

Featuring: Juanita Manda Hugankiss and POLAR_LOVE69

PRO: I’m just going to come out and say it: we can’t keep making greenhouse gas reduction our primary concern. The lofty idea of a fully “green” 2030 is a luxury only affordable to the out-of-touch metropolitan contingency. We simply do not have the means to support the communities that will experience the incredible economic strain of a complete overhaul of our energy production systems in such a short time.

CON: Greenhouse gas emissions are wreaking havoc on our ecosystems. We must take action immediately to save endangered animals like polar bears. Those… big, blubbery, thicc, polar bears. 

PRO: This is precisely what I mean. We are putting all our attention on one animal!

CON: Like, yeah, the initial heating of the earth from reducing greenhouse gasses would kinda ruin their environment, but like… I can take care of them and fulfill their… needs. I can really… warm them up. 

PRO: Wait, are we agreeing on this?

CON: I’ve always wanted to… taste a polar bear, if you know what I mean. I want that good, –delicious–,  polar bear pole inside me. Show me what that bear tongue does. Bite me with those… long, long fangs. We must focus on reducing greenhouse gas emissions for the aforementioned reasons.

PRO: Look, I want to get thrashed by a polar bear as much as the next guy. Get positively dicked down ursine style, eat a buffet of arctic ass, and be face down in the snow for the 30 days of night, but if I get to live out that dream it will be done with fiscal responsibility.

Sexting is not an Intimate Exchange, It’s a Competition

By M.D. Phemsell

Sometimes, I have this itch, a rampant itch on my legs, hands, and all around my torso. It’s a growing need; I’m like a succubus (in theory). I open Tinder and start swiping, BOOM, match. It’s a man who definitely has a questionable Youtube history, perfect. I need to emasculate him, or else I will die. I charm him with my wiles (the tension is barely hanging on by a thread), and he tells me what he wants to do to me. Hoo boy.

Once I start, holy shit. Holy SHIT. It’s like every graphic, erotic fanfiction I’ve read lights up my neurons and gets beamed right into my finger muscles. My typing speed increases by approximately 40 words per minute, typos are nonexistent, and I’m quite literally breaking human limits to write out this smut. All the while the schmuck on the other side is choking his dick purple, writing about how he’s “going to bust inside of my walls” with at least fifty grammatical errors per message. Yeah, I know he’s writing with one hand, but is he not passionate? Does he not have drive? Is he stupid? God damn, I am just so much better. I am intellectually superior to this human across the country writing with his dick, not his brain (unlike me). He cums, I don’t. I’m actually still elated, I am truly in the happiest place of my life.

I Fucking Hate The Atrium!!!!!!

By: Graad U. Ateee

One of my favorite spots to work in is the College Ave Student Center. It is a nice place to relax and do some work quietly. Though there were sometimes crowds, places like Brower Commons and Panera Bread could absorb the chance of a large crowd being present effectively. However, the dark days came in the Fall of 2023.

After a rigorous Game Theory and Economics class, I spent watching MatPat videos, I came to the College Ave Student Center to relax. My ears are accosted with the sound of noisy, rude, smelly freshmen. I was shocked. I saw the line go out of the building. I approached one of the freshmen and asked him what he was doing. He said that he was there to get food from a pizza place. I asked him if it was Krispy Pizza and he said it was some pizza pie place. I was confused and decided to take a look, and it turns out that the place is called pizza pi. What fucking California hippie silicon valley nerd came up with this bullshit?

I felt my face red with anger and decided to go to my sanctuary, the Red Lion Cafe. The quiet atmosphere draws me into deep thinking about the serious questions in life. Some of the questions I have pondered include, would I fuck Magic Johnson? Would my friends approve of me fucking Magic Johnson? How much money would I get for fucking Magic Johnson? Come to find all the excess dirty freshmen hanging out there. Now, my sanctuary has been invaded by the class of 2027. Now, I am on a crusade to bring back the soul of the atrium and make it great again.