Tag Archives: Valentine’s Day

NASA Devastated that Opportunity Ignored Their Valentine Text

Valentine’s Day might be a distant memory, but NASA is still hung up on it. They had sent the Mars rover, Opportunity, the message: “Will you be my Valentine?” The message had been meticulously crafted after it went through a grueling experimentation process. After crunching the numbers, they believed they were ready to pop the question. Alas, a response never came.

Struck down in the worst possible way, NASA was ghosted by Opportunity. The Rover refuses to answer any of NASA’s subsequent messages. It was a disaster at NASA, with the whole facility going through emotional turmoil. The staff expressed their opinion on the rejection, many taking it better then others.

One well adjusted NASA engineer said, “Honestly, I don’t blame it. Long distance relationships are tough, especially the 54.6 lightyear ones. I have no ill will toward Oppie, it was a great listener and would always be willing to do any little thing we asked, no the size of the rock to hold. I wish it the best on Mars and hopefully it would look back to our time together affectionately.”

Another NASA employee took it a bit personally: “Honestly, I know we aren’t great, but now I just feel like crap. There are so many other Space organizations to compete with and I can’t help but be jealous. What if Opportunity would say yes to the Russians or the Chinese? I know for damn well the Indians were trying to slide into the DMs of the moon rovers, what if it enticed our Opportunity? Honestly, I just look in the in the mirror and try to hold back the tears. I thought what we had was real.”

A particularly bitter scientist is pretty sure about his stance on the rejection: “Honestly, screw Opportunity, that chubby six wheeled cunt. We don’t need Opportunity at all, it’s a fat slut that is going to die alone for being as frigid as Mars’ South Pole. It’s probably on Olympus Mons mingling it’s extending camera with a bigger, blacker, Elon Musk Rover. Planning some interplanetary orgy. Well good riddance, we don’t need it. We got plenty of other Rovers to choose from, we are practically swimming in them.”

All of the responses by the NASA employees basically fit under these categories – taking it well, very insecure, or extremely bitter. All now NASA has to do now is to take a deep breath and move on. As the bitter scientist put it, “Life on Mars? Fuck no, Opportunity is a cold heartless bitch!”

Local Dipshit Thinks He Can Get a Table Without Reservation On Valentine’s Day

By Single by Choice

“I DIDN’T REALIZE THERE WAS GOING TO BE THIS MANY PEOPLE”

The war-cry echoed throughout the lobby of Steakhouse 85 as Local Dipshit lost his proverbial shit. The Host in charge was not ready to face the ire of the idiotic Dipshit. What followed was a rampage of epic proportions- punches flew, curses spit out, blood splattered, girlfriend’s eyes rolled. The altercation drew the attention of the patrons of the establishment, all finding the crimson blood really adding to the Valentine’s Day vibe.

By the time RUPD arrived, Dipshit lost his edge and fainted from the dying blood rush. Dipshit’s girlfriend was there to explain the situation to Medium correspondent, Liu ‘Kang’ phur-louvre.

“Ugh, I had been asking Dipshit for ages what he has planned for Valentines Day. Each time he assured me he had it figured out, all the while having his eyes glued to the latest Joe Rogan podcast. It was only from Rogan’s latest Veal-Meal insta post- one that featured a heart shaped bicep- that he realized he forgot to get a reservation. Then he rushes me here and… well you can see what happened,” explained Madam Dipshit.

Steakhouse 85 quickly cleaned up the mess and kicked the dipshit to the curb. Valentines Day commenced as usual, until another Dipshit tried to get in without a reservation.

College Recipe Guide: Valentines Day Feast for One

By Throbin Williams

 

Step 1: Pry yourself off the couch. Get in your late-model sedan with the broken aux input and listen to FM radio on the drive to Wawa.

Step 2: Enter the establishment and beeline to the little tablet thing you order your food on. Customize the fattest, cheesiest, sauciest cheesesteak you think your brittle little heart can handle.

Step 3: While your hoagie is handled, ravage the chips and candy aisle, carrying away as much food as you can hold.

Step 4: Double back and grab a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. If you don’t have to awkwardly pin it to your chest with both hands, you aren’t holding enough food.

Step 5: Avoid eye contact with the cashier.

Step 6: Get your sandwich and get back into your car. Drive back to the safety of your bedroom.

Step 7: Eat all your food in the time it takes to watch three episodes of Community.

Step 8: Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.

Step 9: Remain in bed until this wretched hallmark holiday has ended.

Step 10: Repeat Step 1 to retrieve discounted, heart-shaped candy from Walmart.

College Recipe Guide: Valentine’s Day Feast

Step 1: Line up 3 shot glasses on the kitchen counter.
Step 2: Fill shot glasses with Vodka (substitute with grain alcohol if desired).
Step 3: Take shots using no chaser because nothing can hurt you more today than your crushing loneliness.
Step 4: Boil two cups pasta of your choice.
Step 5: Strain and add sauce.
Step 6: Realize that you’ve cooked too much pasta for one.
Step 7: Realize that the perfect solution to this problem is having
someone to share a meal with.
Step 8: Repeat steps 1 through 3.
Step 9: Sign up for eHarmony.
Step 10: Find someone to get dinner with on Saturday.
Step 11: Be the fourth victim in a string of mysterious killings carried out by a stranger you met online.

North Korea Sends Their Valentine’s Day Regards

Kim Jong Un is really getting into the spirit of American holidays, seen here in a recent picture taken in Pyongyang. The nuclear missile, aimed at the United States with a lighthearted message of love, is estimated to be able to murder at least 8 million people in an instant.