Word of the Week: KYLESLAYBINOLOGY

n. the study of the sexist, slayest, girthiest, skinny-legendest body in town

“I’m majoring in Kyleslaybinology. It’s a new major here at Rutgers, but I’m pretty sure it’ll catch on at other schools.”

“Kyleslaybinology is such a hard subject. I always get distracted by the pictures in the textbook. That Kyle Slaybin is so hot and beautiful, I can never concentrate.”

“I got to run to Kyleslaybinology 101! Do you want to come with?”

“I have a C in Kyleslaybinology because the Professor, Dr. Kyle Slaybin, stopped showing up to class so he could get his ‘beauty sleep.'”

Have You Seen This Lost Hat?

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Letter to the Editor – Week of April 28, 2021

Q – How do I find love?

A – What a great and generic question! Finding love is something a lot of people struggle with. It’s been especially hard to get your hands on that special someone during quarantine, but with a little know-how, anything is possible. Thankfully for you, my previous job was as a bounty hunter; it’s basically the same concept. Here are just a few ways to find love:

• MapQuest – Now I know what you’re thinking: “isn’t that the shitty program that lets you print out maps?” Why yes it is. I know it’s a little outdated, but it worked for your parents. Statistically, at least half of them are still together, so maybe it’s worth a shot? Plus, having someone read you instructions requires really good communication, and that’s the basis of a healthy relationship.
• GPS – A lot more advanced, for sure, but these cold, calculating machines just miss some of the nuances of finding love. The quality also dips from app to app, so choose wisely. That said, it can take you to the last site love was seen at and give you an accurate ETA, give or take traffic.
• Check Under The Couch Cushions – Sometimes it feels like love just slips through your fingers. If that’s the case, check crevices it might have fallen into. You’d be surprised how often it weasels its way into a tight space like under the couch cushions. You’re probably telling yourself there’s no way love could be there, but you also swore your keys weren’t, so maybe keep an open mind for once in your god-damn life, Jason.

Alright, so now that you’ve found love, you gotta hold onto it with everything you’ve got. Love is gonna try to escape, take your dog and kids, and swear to the police you kidnapped it even though she chose to get into your van and after 4 years you’re basically common-law married anyway, so she’s the real homewrecker if you think about it. I mean, uh, here are a few ways to keep your relationship together:

• Coma – if your standards for a relationship aren’t high, it’s a great and low-effort way to maintain one. Consider a medically-induced coma if you care about collector value.
• The Ol’ Ball & Chain – a large cement sphere attached to your SO’s leg cuff via a short iron-link chain is a great way to keep her around. The average ball and chain can weigh as much as a few hundred pounds, so even the strongest of people will have a hard time escaping. Unfortunately, this may impair their ability to be mobile at their job. If that’s a problem, consider another option.
• Computer Chip – a super simple and only semi-invasive piece of technology embedded just beneath the skin alongside a simple 40lb battery pack will allow you to keep track of them wherever they go. If you need multiple incomes, this is probably your best bet. Plus, there are plenty of add-ons like wife-i routers, portable grills, and even surround sound!

In conclusion, I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it, and good luck with love!

Personal Ads – For Sale

For Sale: UTIMI Sex Swing with Blindfold and Ticker Bondage Restraint BDSM Sex Toy for Couples with Adjustable Straps, Never Used

Interested parties should reach out to Mark at 52 College Ave, New Brunswick, NJ 08901.

Used Rutgers President – Free

We have a used Rutgers President that we don’t need anymore. It works fine, but we recently upgraded to the new model and don’t really have space for it anymore. He’s trained in neurology, which is pretty neat. He’s also an “authority on timepieces,” whatever that means. It was signed by President Obama, which is pretty cool if you’re into that. Unfortunately, a signature from anything other than the creator removes all collector value, so it’s not really worth the time to sell it.

If you are interested, we will be leaving him on the curb out in front of Winants Hall. Just come by and pick him up.

Black Man Seeking Conservative Friend

From Jareal B. Lakman 

Hello dear reader,

My name is Jareal B. Lakman, and as you can see I am a real black man. I am so tired and lonely because my current friend group is all lazy people who commit crimes constantly. For the longest time, I was like them, choosing to be poor and uneducated. I guess you could say I was happy living in ignorance back then. Recently, however, I started reading such insightful sources as Turning Point USA, Liberty Hangout, and OANN, and I’ve become enlightened. I turned my life around, converted from communism and Satanism to democracy and nationalism, and became a real, contributing member of society. Just last week, I applied for my voter identification card so that my great-grandkids will have the right to vote. Yesterday, I decided to found a fortune 500 company, although because of the new tax bracket I’m in, I can’t afford to trickle my money down. Someone should really do something about that.

I’m sorry, I’m getting off-topic. Now that I’m a good American, I need a friend group that reflects that. I’ve already befriended some like-minded black people like Candice Owens and Dean Browning, but I want to add a good, white conservative so we don’t get too bogged down in groupthink. Don’t worry though, there’s something in it for you. My real, genuine N-word pass. As you know, every black person gets one they can give to the white person of their choosing. Candice gave hers to Ben Shapiro and Dean gave his Michael Richards, although that one might be a little too late. Mine is burning a hole in my pocket as it stands, so why don’t you come take it off my hands?

You can contact me at 555-NWRD or realblackman@hotmail.com

Personals: Week of Pesach

By Personal Levy

Q – Why is this week’s personals different from all other weeks’? 

A – On all other weeks we work, answering as many questions as we have time for. On Pesach we recline, take our time, and answer questions to the best of our ability. Which isn’t very good. 

Q – In all other school years we attend school on campus. Why this year do we attend from home?

A – When the Isrealites were forced to flee from Mitzrayim, they had to do so at a moment’s notice. They did not have time to attend class in person, and had to take midterms and finals on typewriters. Today we honor their memory by taking our classes online, just as our forefathers did so long ago. Or covid or something, I dunno.

Q – In all other years the Suez Canal flows free. Why in this year does it block up?

A – It is because of what the Suez has done for us for so long that it gets to stop.The Suez Canal has been open since 1869. That’s 152 years. In those years it has never once been stopped or renovated _{(citation needed)}. If we assume a normal 52 week work year and 40 hour work week, that’s 316,160 hours of continuous work. The average worker can expect two 15 minute breaks and one 30 minute lunch every 8 hours, of which the Suez has taken none. It has accrued 39,520 hours, or 4.5 years, of break. It will reopen September 23, 2025. 

Q – In all other years my candidate wins. Why in this year do the libtard demonrats cuck me out of my righteous victory?

A – The asker personalizes and internalizes this question, selfishly excluding everyone else. You should similarly exclude the asker by telling them that “it is because of what the libdems did for me that my candidate won. It is because they summoned the unholy forces that control life and death to resurrect voters, using Hero-nter Bid-win’s laptop as a conduit, that your sissy bitch got his nuts stomped in a landslide.” Then you pee on them.

Q – On all other nights I am able to go balls deep into my body pillow of Dean Winchester from the CW’s Supernatural while watching dubcon/noncon Garfield vore porn, why on this night does my father choose to disown me?

A – As it is written, thou shalt not spill thy seed. One must not forget the story of Onan. He wished not to make an heir for his brother’s widow, as the child would inherit his brother’s wealth instead of Onan. Because of this, Onan used his expert level pull out game, leaving a streak of his seed upon the ground rather than on his brother’s wife. For doing so, he was smote where he stood. Take this lesson to heart. Do not spill your seed in a Dean Winchester body pillow. Go to your dad, pull down his pants, and give his tight little bussy a night it won’t soon forget.

Q – Hey weren’t there only four questions at the Passover Seder?

A – Ayy, yo, fuck off brah.

Personals – The Week After Spring Break

By guest writer Famous Rapper DaBaby

 

Q – Are you Famous Rapper DaBaby?

A – I am Famous Rapper DaBaby.

Q – I’ve been rewatching Naruto on Netflix and just got up to the first Gaara-Sasuke fight. Why don’t you think that show inspired more incels to attempt school sand throwings?

A – If they had the athletic ability to accomplish that with sand, they wouldn’t need to do it in the first place.

Q – If two guys were on the moon and one killed the other with a space rock would that be fucked up or what?

A – Dude, that’d be really fucked up.

Q – If short people smoke weed, do they get high or medium?

A – It’s kinda like filling a balloon. You gotta tie a string to them so they don’t fly away.

Q – Can I bring my cum jar with me on a plane if it’s only 3.4 ounces?

A – Probably. Just be careful of overfilling it. They’ll make you drink it or throw it away.

Q – Who do I have to call if I get in an accident with a clown car?

A – You call the cops and triple-A. A car accident is a car accident, regardless of the vehicle.

Q – What do you know about this company, and why would you like to work for us?

A – I’ve been using your product for years, so I already know I like it. I’m experienced with the product, so I have a vested interest and can bring a fresh perspective.

Q – What happened to the last person you attempted to murder?

A – All serious charges were dropped. I did plead guilty to carrying a concealed weapon.

Q – Is it easy to take candy from DaBaby?

A – Don’t take my candy.

Q – How do you call an orphan’s parents?

A – With a landline.

Q – Why is my left testicle bigger than my other two?

A – It’s normal for guys to have one testicle a bit bigger than the other. A normal size difference is about the size of half a teaspoon, and usually the right testicle is larger than the left. In your case, it sounds like something is going on and you need to see a doctor.

Q – I want to submit questions for the Medium’s Personals page. How naughty can these questions be?

A – Submit them and if I feel they’re too inappropriate, I just won’t use them. I am Famous Rapper DaBaby.