Category Archives: A7

Seeking: Shit to Break

By Johnny Tenderloin

 

I was eleven years old, and it was love at the first fifteen window panes. I still recall the bloodstained texture of the hardware store tiling like it was yesterday. My metamorphic transformation into the Burlington Bullet. The Mangled Mange. The flesh and glass mosaic on Aisle Five. From that moment on, hours before the trauma center catheter even entered me, my body and spirit had become awakened to a transcendental euphoria like no other.

 

No longer did I feel the need to capitulate to delusory whims of authority, care about fulfilling my peers avarice for ostracization, or acquiesce to the false dominions of stability and permanence. I welcomed the entropic, destructive nature of being with a warm embrace. Blunt, sharp, thick, thin; none of it could withstand the primordial violence of a hulking 180 lb skinnyfat adolescent violently shoulder checking, juking, brusque stiff arming that shit. No desk un-powerbombed, no pencils unbroken and unsplintered, no tissue of skin uncut.

 

I’ve tried it all growing up. Fucking, cumming, sunset watching, autoerotic paragliding asphyxiation, the woodland opiate den, but nothing gives me a comparable, familiar, Nirvanic womb feeling quite like TKO dropkicking a bathroom air dryer out of the wall. Bludgeoning an aluminum trash can to completion has exhumed my loneliness quite like no amount of platonic friends or intimate romantic partners ever would. I’ve had my fair share of tetanus, gangrene, wounds, scabs, pus bubbles, and NDE’s accrued over the years, but I wouldn’t trade those heaving, vomiting, all-natty DMT floor trips for the world. 

 

As the old Confucian proverb goes, do what you love, and never work a day in your life, which is exactly why I’m openly offering my services to slowly kill myself to support myself as a freelance independent contractor. If you have shit you want broken, please email me at tenderizedbeef69@gmail.com for further inquiry. Payments operate upon a NET30 contract, but feel free to draw out the ghosting, nebulous updates, vague tax forms, and pulling teeth for compensation even longer. I am a connoisseur of misery whomst will stop at nothing* to quell his gluttonous appetite for pain and debasement.

 (*Not even sounding)

Biden Channeling Obama-Era Hipness by Opening for Death Grips

By Bradley “Brad” Tanner

 

First he called President Obama “Raprock” on CNN, now he’s embracing the rap rock.

 

The Sacramento experimental hip-hop group known as Death Grips have spontaneously announced a surprise tour with an enigmatic guest: former Vice President and 2020 Democratic Presidential Candidate, Joe Biden. The frontrunner has come under scrutiny for a few whoopsie doopsie gaffes like: sexual harassment, supporting segregation, bleeding from the eyes, expanding mass incarceration, and forgetting the name of the man he worked eight consecutive years for. For provocateurs like Death Grips, these mishaps comprise the peak transgressive, nihilistic energy they aim to embody.

 

The group is notoriously enigmatic, rarely doing interviews or media appearances. Luckily, they were speaking candidly backstage, including frontman Stefan Burnett, better known as MC Ride: “I’ve called Death Grips the id, the gut, the primordial sonic incarnation of anarchic fury at the beck and call of no gods, no states, no kings, no masters. We will not publicly endorse nor advertise any candidate for the 2020 Election. That said, who better to channel the farcical fucking joke of our institutions than a incoherently babbling, vaguely racist homonculi ghoul in an ill-fitted wrinkly flesh suit?”

 

Drummer Zach Hill, known for his violently concussive blast beats and ardor for surreal dadaist visual art, also concurred with Burnett. “Yeah, like he may be for everything our band would stand against and he hates sharing the tour bus with Stefan, but he doesn’t need to be. We sampled Manson on our first mixtape but we’re not for race war, folk rock, death cults man. Look, when he’s out there, he’s like a literal rotting, bleeding spire of this system. Like him or hate him, you gotta admit that shit’s metal. Might use it for our next project’s cover art or something.”

 

After 27 minutes of looking for Beau in the jungles of Saigon, The Man Himself was lucid enough to speak. “Yeah, my PR people met theirs and one thing led to thing one another and now we’re tour grouping. I haven’t always been for the so-called youth raves, but these Grapes boys have treated me with the utmost politeness, especially Steven JPEGMafia. That gentleman’s an articulate fellow if I’ve ever heard one articulate reciprocal meticulousness myself, just like Prime Minister Bataranga Omaha.”

 

Biden opened with a 48 minute monologue reminiscing on “those Syracuse derrieres”, whispering and holding the mic stand in an intimate embrace, blood eyes even bloodier under the harsh red fluorescent light. From there, Death Grips followed up with a lengthy set spanning most of their discography, including cuts from Bottomless Pit, The Money Store, No Love Deep Web, and their newest album, 2018’s Year Of The Snitch. The abrasive, violent chaos of their shows was made all the more harrowing by Biden’s anguished pleas begging someone to tell him where he is, as well as his (woefully misunderstood) commentary on the song choruses.

 

“Lock Your Doors? I ALREADY DO THAT DOWN IN THE INNER CITIES!  Why would I give the BAD PEOPLE good ideas? I’ll break a mirror in YOUR FACE you uppity fuckin’ whipper snapper! Take MY coat? No, you DAMN BLACK PAINTER! I’ll sit between the backseat and YOUR dick if I have any say about it!”

 

Tour dates and locations TBA.

 

 Bradley “Brad” Tanner is a Streetwise Experimental Industrial HipHop Punk Genre Salad Correspondent

Review of God’s Not Dead

By Heywood Jablomi

Evangelical Agnostic

 

God’s Not Dead is a 2014 Christian Film produced by PureFlix, and as it’s been a personal favorite of mine for several years, I was very glad when The Medium told me I had to review it for this issue. For those of you who haven’t seen this masterpiece (spoilers ahead), God’s Not Dead, starring Kevin Sorbo, is about an evil atheist who learns to find God in his final hours. This may sound similar to the plot of many other Christian movies, and you’d be right, but God’s Not Dead is different. The evil atheist (played by Kevin Sorbo) is a philosophy professor who firmly believes that God is dead, and requires all his students to renounce God. Most of his class doesn’t really care, except for protagonist Shane Harper.

This was actually kind of confusing for me. When I took a philosophy class my freshman year of college, I expected a lot of the same things to happen. But when I got there, the professor didn’t really seem to care about the beliefs of the students, and he definitely didn’t seem to want to change anyone’s beliefs. It’s almost liked he cared more about teaching students than pushing some kind of agenda. Most classes probably aren’t like that, though. I bet most of them have that atheist professor shown in God’s Not Dead who spend the first couple weeks of class debating a student about their religious beliefs.

This debate also brings up some important philosophical points. The religious student, at one point, says that morality would not exist without God. Being a philosophy professor, you’d think that the atheist would cite any number of other ethical viewpoints. Even if he’s not an ethics professor, he’d probably be fairly well versed in at least a handful of other theories of ethics, but he doesn’t even mention any. And that’s the kind of thing that makes this movie great.

Now I want to talk about some of the side plots. When you watch a Pure Flix movie, you don’t just get one movie, you get like three with all the other stories they throw in here. Reverends Dave and Jude are the best part of the movie, and they don’t even relate to the main story. I’ve been trying to petition Pure Flix to make a sitcom based only on the two of them, you can find it on change.org. There’s also the story between Shane Harper and his girlfriend, who he breaks up with because he cares more about arguing with the professor than their relationship. That’s the kind of morals we need more of in our protagonists. Then there’s also a Muslim girl who finds Christianity and wishes to convert. Instead of exploring this, she’s just rejected by her father. It’s very satisfying to see a movie give such a deep and nuanced portrayal of a group outside of their main audience.

At the end of the movie, Sorbo’s character reveals that he hates God because his mother died as a child. Personally, I’m very glad Pure Flix doesn’t perpetuate the myth that people are ever atheists because of anything other than a traumatic childhood loss. He’s then hit by a car, and bleeds out on the street. The other protagonists of the movie, who all happen to be there, surround him, and convince him to give his heart to God so he can go to heaven. No ambulance is even called, which I’m very grateful for, because seeing him make a full recovery and realizing that he shouldn’t be proselytizing to his students wouldn’t be nearly as satisfying as watching him die a painful death surrounded by strangers.

God’s Not Dead is one of my favorite movie franchises. It’s made for evangelical Christians, and doesn’t waste time being even remotely appealing to anyone else, Christians or otherwise. If you’re evangelical, I cannot recommend this more, and I’ll review the sequels soon.

5 Rules For Driving A Camaro

  1. WASH YOUR ASS!!!

You don’t want your smelly shit stinkin up your brand new 2019 Camaro! What are passengers gonna think when they’re trying to be impressed by your new Camaro?? They’re gonna think, “Jesus Christ!! It smells like used Applebee’s in here!”

 

NEXT

 

  1.  DRINK AND DRIVE

You need to appear as cool as possible to your friendssssss. Drink, drive, smoke spliffs, wear sunglasses! You want to give them ultimate Chevrolet Camaro experience!! Provide Miller High Lifes for every guest.

 

CONTINUING

 

  1. LEAVE THE DOORS AROUSED

Yes you read that right. GET WITH THE PROGRAM

 

MOVING ALONG

 

  1. POUR ONE OUT FOR PAUL WALKER

We need to respect the man of Camaros himself, pour out one entire Miller High Life out of respect. People need to know you’re serious here. You represent all luxury utility vehicle owners and we need to keep it classy!

 

FINALLY

 

  1. GIVE YOUR CHILD THE CAMARO IN YOUR WILL

You gotta pass on the Camaro Legacy!! Just because you’re dead doesn’t mean the spirit of the 2019 Chevrolet Camaro is!! Your kid will love you eternally and actually respect you if you leave your Camaro to them.

 

RESPECT GOD, BUY A CAMARO

If Biel Road Could Talk

Witness the University Award winning motion picture “If Biel Road Could Talk”. Clark Gongler is a first year business student and the head of his business fraternity. Alyzsa Sommer is a nursing student with career goals of working as a nurse practitioner so she can help underprivileged youths with early early early onset Alzheimer’s. They meet in a business analytics class on Livi and fall madly in love because they made out at 2 frat parties and he hasn’t ghosted her. But when Clark is falsely #MeToo’d by his roommate, he is forced out of his room in the Livi apartments and put in the Voorhees dorm far from civilization. Alyzsa visits him on Cook Douglass and reveals to him that she is pregnant. Clark stammers for like 20 minutes and then he very sincerely with complete intention vows to support them from exile by ordering take-out to her apartment most nights. Let this heartbreaking story of the human condition set in modern Rutgers pull at your heartstrings and have you crying after carefully and deliberately not letting your emotions show for the past 16 years. You will leave this film thinking “If Biel Road could talk, it would say ‘Hey come on we have a gym here it’s not that bad here.’”

ISIS Attempts Brand Shift to Frozen Dairy

This just in!!! Hello my name is Bill Levy I’m the new PR guy for the widely known “Enforcement” Group, ISIS. I’m writing this editorial to inform you that ISIS is putting down the guns and “setting their sights” on your stomachs! Introducing ISIS Cream!! “The tasty treat you fat Western Devils can enjoy!” (their words) [Translated] There’s no need for fear, now the only “head pain” you’ll experience from us is brain freeze! Now in a variety of flavors including: Cave Sweat (With Pistachios), Rocket Launcher Sherbet, Falafel Chip Cookie Dough, and Journalist Softserve! Proceeds from each pint will go towards funding more innovations in the ISIS brand including DPGs (Dairy Propelled Goodness) a device that can fire ice cream at speeds of 60 mph, Sherbet Bomber Planes, and new motivational posters for the compound. So order now….or else!