Category Archives: A7

ISIS Attempts Brand Shift to Frozen Dairy

This just in!!! Hello my name is Bill Levy I’m the new PR guy for the widely known “Enforcement” Group, ISIS. I’m writing this editorial to inform you that ISIS is putting down the guns and “setting their sights” on your stomachs! Introducing ISIS Cream!! “The tasty treat you fat Western Devils can enjoy!” (their words) [Translated] There’s no need for fear, now the only “head pain” you’ll experience from us is brain freeze! Now in a variety of flavors including: Cave Sweat (With Pistachios), Rocket Launcher Sherbet, Falafel Chip Cookie Dough, and Journalist Softserve! Proceeds from each pint will go towards funding more innovations in the ISIS brand including DPGs (Dairy Propelled Goodness) a device that can fire ice cream at speeds of 60 mph, Sherbet Bomber Planes, and new motivational posters for the compound. So order now….or else!

Violating Academic Integrity is Fun and Profitable!

By Ada Student

Neeeeeeeeerd

 

Hi!! I’m Ada, and I have no less than fifty academic integrity violations! I specialize in writing papers for other classmates, but I’ve been known to dabble in stealing answer keys and recycling old assignments. Now, you probably know that violating academic integrity is fun and an incredibly helpful victimless crime, but did you know that you can also make money off it? That’s right! Charging desperate students $15 a page for essays they just can’t be bothered to do adds up quick, and before you know it you can be making enough money in a semester to buy textbooks for the next.

Surprised? I was too! A friend of mine who never showed up to lecture and didn’t even had a textbook was worried about his psychology paper, so I offered to do it for him. It was just a bit of fun, I could only submit one paper and couldn’t narrow down my topics so it was nice to be able to do two. To my surprise, he venmo’d me $60 a few days later! It was amazing to see that one of my favorite hobbies (essays) could actually turn a solid profit! From there, I was addicted. I could write all the essays I had time for, and the money couldn’t stop flowing in.

Of course, all this comes at a price: this is technically against the rules. Not the little “teacher rules” where you’ll just get shamed in front of the class and maybe lose points, but me and my clients could all get kicked out of school if we were caught. It’s stupid, I’m just trying to run a business, but if Rutgers gets its big nose involved then I’d be facing some serious disproportionate retribution. To be honest, though… running around, trying to get customers without anyone at Rutgers finding out… that’s part of the fun. And so is the knowledge that if I get taken down, I can take dozens of people with me. This all started as an innocent hobby, then a job, but I like playing a puppetmaster a lot more.

English Student Writes about Writer’s Block, Thinks he’s Profound

By Heywood Jablomi

Sick of this idiot yet?

 

Brandon Smith, sophomore, spent a solid hour sitting in front of a blank google drive document last week, “waiting for inspiration”. Not realizing that being in an entry-level creative writing class meant his paper could be borderline incoherent and his classmates would still be forced to find praise for it, he wanted to go above and beyond for his next assignment. He imagined submitting the first part of a grand insight into the human mind, a meta-narrative on the creative process itself, something that would last for generations.

Unfortunately, he was writing checks that his clearly stunted creativity couldn’t catch. In his caffeine-fueled stupor, he made the grave mistake of thinking the first idea to pop into his head was even worth considering, and decided to write about writer’s block. Somehow, Brandon missed the memo that every creative writing student in history has had this idea, and the only ones that found success in later classes were the ones with the common sense to scrap it. Brandon fumbled on through his story, infused it with transparent metaphors, quoted generic writers, and just barely hit the word minimum before going to sleep with a misplaced sense of triumph.

Two days later, Brandon came to class with his freshly printed story, expecting to wow the entire class. Instead, he found that someone else in his group had produced almost the exact same story, the same plot about writer’s block with the same weak metaphors and the same overused structure. After both writers refused to comment, we asked the professor for his thoughts. “This is pretty standard, we see it a few times a year. The first time it happened, I almost had them written up for plagiarism, but the stories were just barely different enough for me to give them the benefit of the doubt. From then on, I just let it happen. I’m tired as hell of reading it, sure, but at least they’re always short.”

It’s not all downhill for Brandon, though. One of his classmates posted snippets of his story on r/im14andthisisdeep, and it’s rocketed to the best of the week section and might even break the first page for best of the month. A hollow victory for sure, but at least there’s a place for writers like Brandon.

On-Campus Restaurants Ranked by Quality of Chicken Tenders

By Heywood Jablomi

Poultry Pincher

 

Everyone loves chicken tenders, they’re a college dining staple. Relatively cheap, full of protein, friend, and best of all, made of mankind’s greatest foe, the chicken. But where can you get the best chicken tenders? That’s what I’m here to tell you. Here’s my ranking of every venue where you can get chicken tenders on campus, except for Cook-Douglass because I remain unconvinced that C/D actually exists.

 

  1. RU Hungry: I might be cheating a little bit, because this isn’t so much the quality of the tenders so much as the context of the tenders. Part of it is the sandwich they come in: you can get chicken tenders just about anywhere, but here’s the only place where you can get them in a hoagie alongside french fries, mozzarella sticks, and marinara sauce. Also, when do you get RU Hungry? Only when you’re stoned or fucking starving. Everything tastes better when you’re stoned or fucking starving. It’s not just about the meat, my friends. RU Hungry has decent tenders, but they know how to sell them so they’re fantastic
  2. King Pita Palace: You’re probably thinking, Heywood you idiot, this place has Middle Eastern food! Why are you getting chicken from here? Well, one day Wendy’s had a half hour line that spiraled all the way from the front of their kiosk all the way through the tables and out to the bathrooms. There wasn’t even a sale or anything, it was just 12:55 and all the 11:30 classes had just let out. So I went to King Pita because I saw they had chicken tenders and my god, they were even better than Wendy’s. So crisp, so golden, so warm, and almost no waiting.
  3. Wendy’s: Almost as good as King Pita, and you can get a frosty with it, but they just don’t compare. They’ve got some good seasoning, and that goes double for their fries, but it’s rarely worth the wait. If you want something to eat now and something before class, then maybe get a sandwich and take the tendies for the road, but other than that, just go right next door.
  4. Woody’s: I’ll be honest, I’ve only managed to get this deep into Busch twice without succumbing to the geese and having to run away or get rescued, but back when I was on a meal plan, the chicken almost made it worth the trip. If you’re nearby, I’d definitely recommend it, and if you’re not, take something along to take care of the geese. Those tenders will make a sweet victory meal if you make survive, though.
  5. Henry’s: $8.50 for six tenders?? They take meal swipes, sure, but if you’re not on a meal plan this is probably your budget for the next day and a half. If you’re willing to spend that much, just get a fat sandwich instead, at least that will feed you for a weekend. I don’t even care how good they are at this point, it doesn’t matter if they taste the same way riding an empty LX feels, I’ll never in my life be able to afford them.
  6. The Rock Cafe: I have a tray of them right next to me and they gave me clinical depression. If you’re in the area just get some breakfast food or a grilled cheese or a burger, those are all just fine, but this chicken is just limp, lukewarm sadness in old batter with a bad aftertaste and worse mouthfeel. I regret my entire night after eating these, and now wish to go to sleep and hope tomorrow may be a better day.

Local Dipshit Thinks He Can Get a Table Without Reservation On Valentine’s Day

By Single by Choice

“I DIDN’T REALIZE THERE WAS GOING TO BE THIS MANY PEOPLE”

The war-cry echoed throughout the lobby of Steakhouse 85 as Local Dipshit lost his proverbial shit. The Host in charge was not ready to face the ire of the idiotic Dipshit. What followed was a rampage of epic proportions- punches flew, curses spit out, blood splattered, girlfriend’s eyes rolled. The altercation drew the attention of the patrons of the establishment, all finding the crimson blood really adding to the Valentine’s Day vibe.

By the time RUPD arrived, Dipshit lost his edge and fainted from the dying blood rush. Dipshit’s girlfriend was there to explain the situation to Medium correspondent, Liu ‘Kang’ phur-louvre.

“Ugh, I had been asking Dipshit for ages what he has planned for Valentines Day. Each time he assured me he had it figured out, all the while having his eyes glued to the latest Joe Rogan podcast. It was only from Rogan’s latest Veal-Meal insta post- one that featured a heart shaped bicep- that he realized he forgot to get a reservation. Then he rushes me here and… well you can see what happened,” explained Madam Dipshit.

Steakhouse 85 quickly cleaned up the mess and kicked the dipshit to the curb. Valentines Day commenced as usual, until another Dipshit tried to get in without a reservation.

College Recipe Guide: Valentines Day Feast for One

By Throbin Williams

 

Step 1: Pry yourself off the couch. Get in your late-model sedan with the broken aux input and listen to FM radio on the drive to Wawa.

Step 2: Enter the establishment and beeline to the little tablet thing you order your food on. Customize the fattest, cheesiest, sauciest cheesesteak you think your brittle little heart can handle.

Step 3: While your hoagie is handled, ravage the chips and candy aisle, carrying away as much food as you can hold.

Step 4: Double back and grab a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. If you don’t have to awkwardly pin it to your chest with both hands, you aren’t holding enough food.

Step 5: Avoid eye contact with the cashier.

Step 6: Get your sandwich and get back into your car. Drive back to the safety of your bedroom.

Step 7: Eat all your food in the time it takes to watch three episodes of Community.

Step 8: Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.

Step 9: Remain in bed until this wretched hallmark holiday has ended.

Step 10: Repeat Step 1 to retrieve discounted, heart-shaped candy from Walmart.