Category Archives: A7

5 Pieces of Advice from a Guy Struggling to Open a Jar of Pickles

1) Take it easy on yourself
“Congrats, you got through college. Whoop tee doo. So, yeah go ahead and take a break. Just remember that things will catch up to you, and if your biceps aren’t prepared you could be caught in unfortunate situations. *hugh*

2) Work hard
*grunt* “Look, life won’t take it easy on you. In fact, your life is just going to get harder from here. The trick is to always look at the future and the benefits that your work will eventually achieve, like a nice juicy pickle.”

3) Work out biceps
“You had a free gym membership for 4 years and I can bet my prized horseshoe crab that you didn’t take that opportunity, you sad sack. Well you better get to work, son.” *FUCK!*

4) Prepare for disappointment
“There will be times when you will be working hard and nobody will appreciate what you’ve done. But you gotta keep at it, because someone has to put pickles on the table for the family”

5) Keep your mind open to alternatives
*HUUUUURGH* “Sometimes, things just aren’t going to work out. You have to learn to let things go and try something else” *FUCK!* *DICK!* *ASS!*

Corbin Bleu in Awkward Situations!

Uh oh, here’s Corbin Bleu acting as a public defender in a robbery case, only he hasn’t spent eight years studying law!
Look at Corbin Bleu protesting at a vegan rally. Too bad he doesn’t share their ideals and values! Oh no!
Here’s Corbin Bleu speaking at Aaron Hernandez’s funeral, but he has no personal anecdotes to share with the funeral goers due to not having a real intimate connection with Aaron Hernandez OR his family! Oi vey!

6 ways the mountain lion you keep in your basement is actually destroying your love life!

1. They make guys jealous
Mountain lions are sex ANIMALS. Chances are when you bring a guy home, all he is thinking is how you are ravaged by a ferocious carnivore every night.

2. Their oboe playing is too dissonant during sex
You knew what you signed up for when you got the mountain lion, but your sex partners don’t know that mountain lions need many years of constant practice until they can perfect the oboe. Nobody likes to listen to an amateur.

3. There are too many dead goats laying around
Ordinarily a few dead ungulates scattered around the house are a great aphrodisiac, but having too many makes you look desperate. NOT A TURN ON

4. The guy is a coyote person
Everyone is split into two personality types: puma person or coyote person. If he is a coyote person, he probably won’t click well with Tony. However, your personality auras just won’t match up anyway, so good riddance!

5. People seem to be disappearing
This one is especially mysterious. You may start to notice a trend that your sexual partners seem to be systematically disappearing after you bring them home, along with unusually high amounts of blood on your basement stairs. Chalk it up to fragile masculinity, we say.

6. You actually end up falling for the mountain lion
Mountain lions aren’t called cougars for nothing, and you can be a little bit emotionally unstable. We’ve all been there, so go have your fling and get back into the dating scene when it’s over. You may have to prepare for the possibility of a interspecies marriage (you go girl) and that revolution is still years down the road. Hang in there!

Rutgers Buses Ranked by Odor

BY Sue DeNimm
Now Has Hole in Face

1) LX- Basically first place by default, this sleek and stylish vehicle is fairly scent free. The student passengers seem to have a good handle on basic human hygiene, and sometimes the business students even have some nice perfume/cologne that they wear to classes. Finally, being the shortest and most restaurant dense route, the overall ride is very bearable. 6/10

2) B- One of the quickest rides Rutgers has to offer, the long and efficient B does a decent job at distributing what could be a conglomeration of pungent horror to a slight bitter stinge to the nostrils. 4.5/10

3) A/H- High potential but failed realization, this bus could have a light and airy aroma to it, but the long commute and less than olfactory-friendly engineering students drag it down. 4/10

4) New Brunsquick- This bus? has the luxury of having zero participants and thus a complete lack of anything including personality and smell. This bus will never amount to anything and is loved by no one. 3/10

5) F- a pretty fitting name for everyone’s only reaction to having to take this bus, this vehicle fashions itself as express, but it don’t feel like it. If you manage to catch the last one back home, you tend to just pass out from the stress of trying to get back home. Heaven save you if you are awake on this hell ride. 2/10

6) REXL/REXB- As the longest route in the school, this bus stinks. If you’re lucky enough to snag a seat on this expidition to the realm of south bumblefuck, New Brunswick, you may avoid contributing to the smell, but you will absolutely get a big ol’ whiff of the guy standing ass-in-face for 30 min. 1/10

7) EE- The obvious choice for the bottom of this list, this last resort in 20th century transportation will leave you in tears. If you don’t leave this bus gasping for air, counting the seconds you can bear until your grip on this mortal coil gives out, count yourself lucky. This bus has nothing to offer but despair and turmoil, and I pray that there is an almighty being outside this universe so that there is someone to answer for this monstrosity. -1/10


NASA Plans to Land on Mark by 2050

Simulated image of astronaut planting American flag on Mark

BY Jimbo Frugaloop

WASHINGTON D.C.- NASA has officially announced Tuesday at 9:30 AM that they plan on finally putting a man on Mark by the year 2050. The exciting news was posted on NASA’s official twitter account, along with the accompanied simulated image of the event seen here. While many believe this goal to be impractical, engineers at NASA are remaining optimistic, and promise to be hard at work these coming years in order to make this dream a reality. While the benefits that Mark promises are not resource heavy, the achievement would be a huge feat in the history of mankind. NASA hopes this project could provide insight into means of reaching further out bodies such as Juniper and Stan, and perhaps in the near future we may even see human colonies residing on these beautiful and mysterious objects. More news sure to follow in the upcoming months.