Tag Archives: Politics

Gov. Cuomo Releases DISGUSTING “John Wick” Ad Where He EXECUTES NEWBORN RUSSIAN MOB BABIES

By Sgt. Cpl. Alpha Sigma Delta Chiappa Remington Wesson Jr.

 

ATTENTION PATRIOTS: As those of you who’ve followed the newsletter Facebook group may know, DEMONRAT N.Y. Governor Andrew M.(arxist) CUOMO recently announced a vile, reprehensible expansion of the state’s abortion (DEATH) legislation. Don’t believe the feelings over fact snowflakes, or socialist liberal media lies that the law only allows 24 week abortions to save a mother’s life: COMMIE-O extended BABY-KILLING MURDER DEATH AFTER BIRTH.

 

Even though we all know life begins at conception, you should be EVEN MORE outraged about this particular act of infanticidal killing because someone told me you should! I should know; I have served countless tours of duty, but they all pale to the repugnant guilt I experienced upon inflicting merciless genocide into my CRUSTY SOCK to a Mia Khalifa video. What can I say folks? She’s one of the good ones: Mr. CUMMYO is NOT.

 

In fact, I heard from an anonymous forum post that one of CUCKOMO’S 2022 gubernatorial re-election ads is a remake of the nightclub shootout scene from the 2014 action film John Wick, only he’s executing NEWBORN Russian mobsters in COLD blood. Throat slits, throat punches, point blank headshots; I love the original John Wick and Keanu Reeves’ mastodonic chiseled frame (HETEROSEXUALLY), but you hate to see it. You hate to witness the liberal elites bastardize a perfectly good message.

 

As an armed Tier One Facebook combat veteran, I don’t mind shooting, nor killing. I don’t mind killing American grilled red meat. I don’t mind letting a few whiny radical feminist WHORES die to protect the sanctity of our “non-viable” unborn. I REALLY don’t mind when our tax dollars are used to kill the scary DIFFERENT looking people overseas, or to cage and molest their children at the Southern border. But OUR children? Shit that affects ME and my estranged PROPERTY under marital law? These REGRESSIVE leftists need to get a grip, folks.

President Trump Renames Cruz “Beautiful Ted,” Decides to Revamp Nicknames for all Political Foes

Washington D.C.-This week President Trump announced that he will no longer refer to Ted Cruz as “Lyin’ Ted” and will instead call him, “Beautiful Ted” following this change, Trump has decided he will change the nicknames for all his enemies. “It just seemed to be time,” the President said at press time, “I’m tired of calling them the same thing, I need to keep it fresh for me, otherwise what’s the point?” Trump went on to say he would no longer call Marco Rubio “Lil Marco” but instead “Lil Peep” as it, “just has a nice ring to it.” Jeb Bush will no longer be called “Low-Energy Jeb;” but is renamed “Shrunk-In-The-Wash-Then-Melted-In-The-Microwave Jeb!” When asked why the drastic change, President Trump replied, “I mean he just looks weird! Have you seen the guy?”

He then continued, “‘Crooked Hillary’, will just be ‘Hillary’ from now on. I mean she’s been through enough folks…I’m just kidding! Don’t worry, she is now the ‘Menstruating Mangina’ or ‘Pussy-Lips Clinton’.” He then went on to say that Elizabeth Warren’s “Pocahontas” was, “boring and outdated” and that “Senator Elizabeth Redskin” sounded better, “especially since the DNA results were positive.” President Trump ended by saying, “Kim Jong-un, you’re not safe either. Say ‘bye bye’ to ‘Little Rocket Man’ and ‘hello’ to ‘Missile Maniac’ or how about ‘The Kimchi Killer’?” When asked for comment, Jong-un replied, “[translated] I actually kind of like ‘Kimchi Killer’ it makes me sound like a wrestler.” The President announced no further name changes at this time. Justin Trudeau was reportedly disappointed as all Trump calls him is “Justin From Canada.”

Baby Field Guides Suggested by Education Department to Help Better Classify Newborns

By Drip Droplin
The sound of rain

WASHINGTON– This weekend a memo was obtained from President Donald J. Trump’s Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) considering a reinterpretation of the federal law banning sex discrimination in public schools, Title IX. Passed as part of the Education Amendments of 1972, Title IX is a federal civil rights law that has significantly impacted the handling of athletic programs and sexual discrimination and harassment since its implementation. Under the Obama administration, guidelines were released to assist educators in protecting transgender students from sex-based discrimination at school. These provisions allowed students to essentially act in accordance with their gender identities in situations such as bathroom choice and single-gender classes. These guidelines were rolled back in the past year by Trump’s Education Department, headed by Betsy DeVos.

The HHS memo suggested that the administration would be redefining the law protecting students from sex discrimination using the term “sex” to specifically refer to the genitals present at birth. As any change to the legislation adopted by HHS would be expected to be upheld by the departments of Labor, Justice, and Education, civil rights groups have already taken issue with this possibility. Opponents of the potential change were outraged Monday when DeVos suggested taking the strict binary that would exist under the new proposal several steps further.

“Schoolboards need to be prepared for any kind of student that walks through federally-funded doors,” DeVos said in a private interview, “to that end, the Department of Education needs to start collecting a
much more robust set of data about all potential incoming students.” According to the Department of Education head, the solution here is a simple one: field guides.

Though the DoE has no power over hospital practices at a federal level, its casual recommendation is to provide all new parents with a set of identification materials upon the birth of their infant, so they can make sure they know how to classify the child from the get-go. Like dichotomous keys often used by ecologists to identify trees, these booklets would be fully illustrated, and would guide new parents through a set of questions about their baby’s key characteristics so that they, and the government, could know exactly how the child will need to be treated before it started forming identities of its own. Points of identification would include biological sex, apparent sexual orientation, eyelash length, center of gravity, projected foot size, bowel transit time, predicted career aptitudes, and ruling element based on palm shape and finger length.

Stephen A Smith to Campaign for 2020 Presidency Just so he can Run his Mouth

By Ivan Yakinoff
Prefers Undisputed

BRISTOL, CN—As Black History Month is halfway complete, Stephen A. Smith, the furious outspoken host of ESPN’s First Take and as well as the main expert on all black athlete’s issues, has announced that will be running as a Democratic nominee for the 2020 Presidential elections.

Smith made the sudden announcement on the show while yelling at the top of his lungs. While he and Max Kellerman were talking about wether the black athletes who compete in the Winter Olympics were blacker than Russell Wilson, Smith, just feeling touched by the seriousness of the topic, announced that he will be leaving First Take to engage in more serious conversations.

Although he left the crowd stunned in silence and just wondering what these serious conversations were, in classic ear bleeding Stephen A. Smith style, he announced his plans to run for president.

While many believe his decision to run for president is so he can fight for the issues facing minorities today, many sources close to him say his real reason is to just give have another outlet to run his mouth. “If Stephen tells you his decision to run was based out of fighting injustice, it’s truly just a load of bullshit. He really doesn’t care about that. His mouth is just an attention whore and he just wants to run it more on national TV.” said an anonymous friend of his.

“Stephen’s mouth has a mind of his own. Ever since Skip Bayless left, it’s fallen into a wormhole of depression and it’s believed that the only cure is a diarrhea of the mouth death fight with Donald Trump.” said Momma Smith.

When confronted, Stephen went on a big rant and denied everything. Listening to him rambling on for a hour straight, though we tried our best, the Medium could not get any quotes from him as we all went deaf listening to him. We’ll get back to you after our ENT visit.

GOP Tax Bill Includes Secret Recipe for Steamed Ham

By Sue De Nim
Kosher-American

WASHINGTON — The recent Republican proposed tax bill has just been passed in Congress 51-49, and with it, some new changes, including a corporate tax cut from 35% to 20%. But unbeknownst to most, the republicans have also snuck in other big legislations such as the allowance of drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. However, the biggest thing that they have managed to sneak past the public was the long kept secret FDR recipe for steamed ham. This recipe has been kept a secret from the American public for over 70 years, despite numerous protests attempting to have it released. The official CIA statement regarding its confidentiality from 2015 states, “The United States government has found that the Roosevelt ham recipe is too important to release. If the Russians were to get their hands on it, the socio-economic consequences could be devastating.”

The original recipe concocted by the late president was made in 1946, and was a response to the Great Depression as a cheap and easy food any good, American, homeless family could make. Historians have speculated that it single handedly saved the American economy from utter destruction, but now republicans seem to be disrespecting its impact.

“That recipe is a staple of this country and has no right being released to the world. It needs to be kept secret so stupid idiots can’t screw it up,” said famous chef and T.V. star Gordon Ramsay. Many people are defending the move, saying it will allow all Americans to cook like a president. “Why do I care if the fuckin’ wheelchair president wants to keep his ham recipe a secret. I want to learn how boil a cow in water for sustenance.” Right now, the bill stands at a 25% approval rating among the public, and continues to drop. The senate has still been trying to advertise for its success, claiming that they have finally gotten through “Lower taxes, more jobs, and better cooked meat for all.”