Tag Archives: entertainment

Lebron James Recruits Teenage Youtubers for Space Jam 2

By Robin Banks 

Los Angeles – Picture this. The year is 1996. Kids were doing The Macarena (oblivious to the fact that it was about a girl who cheated on an army man). Cartoon Network had the greatest lineup of all time. One thing that all Americans could agree upon was that Michael Jordan was the greatest basketball player of that generation. It was in 1996 that Michael Jordan starred in Space Jam. Arguably the most successful basketball movie, Space Jam featured famous athletes such as Larry Bird, Charles Barkley, and Patrick Ewing, just to name a few. These basketball players dominated the 90’s, as well as the big screen. Fast forward to 2019, things are far from perfect. 

 

In September of 2018, it was announced that this generation’s little-less-greater-than Michael Jordan, Lebron James, would be starring in a sequel of the original Space Jam film, Space Jam 2. Given the big names that starred in the first movie, fans and movie critics alike are expecting the Larry Birds of this generation to be in the movie. For example, stars such as Kevin Durant, Russel Westbrook, and Giannis Antetokounmpo were all expected to be a part of the film. However, nothing has yet been finalized, and shooting starts very soon. As a result, James, the star of the movie, has taken a rather unconventional route. 

 

Youtube. Youtube. Youtube. Everyone has their favorite Youtube star. The kids have Jojo Siwa. The teens have MattyBRaps. The adults have Jojo Siwa. Lebron James has looked towards Youtube to cast roles in the new Space Jam 2 movie. Given the millions of views these Youtubers rake in per video, James believes that this is necessary to make the movie a success. “Listen man, I want to make Space Jam 2 for the kids. I was a kid when Space Jam came out, and that s*** inspired the hell outa me. I’m just trying to give back to the community”, said James. In light of these words, basketball fans took to the streets. Wanting to reminisce their childhood, older people took to the streets to protest the remarks. “Man f*** those kids. They get everything”, said family care attorney, Harry Feinstein. 

 

While not confirmed, rumors have it that Jojo Siwa has a guaranteed role in the upcoming film. She is said to have the potential to bring an unusual flair on set, something that current NBA players lack. Even though it is a basketball movie, the producers of the film want to be inclusive of all people. Having rich male athletes starring alongside an even richer male athlete is the story of the past. Even though Siwa may be rich, scientists do not know what to classify her as. You cannot get more inclusive than that.

Warner Bros. Plan Willy Wonka Reboot for “a New Generation”

By Manuel C. Hode

 

Following the success of Todd Phillips’ Joker film earlier this month, Warner Brothers has contemplated the possibility of releasing other standalone, low-budget, edgy reboots of their pre-existing IPs. One such potential reboot, according to an internal memo and script treatment obtained by Medium Insiders, is a 2020 reimagining of Willy Wonka catered to the Gen-Z demographic. Tentatively titled “Lil Bonka”, the film is slated to be a truly contemporary reimagining of the Roald Dahl classic.

 

Chuck Buckets (Logan Paul) is an aspiring white rapper with dreams of preaching his ethos of flat earth theory and respecting law enforcement to the Facebook masses. Few appreciate his powerful bars and poignant verbosity transcending the lurid teeny bopper talk of reefer and hoes, save the occasional pity like from his BASED Grandpa Joe. Few, that is, until Chuck finds his way into a top secret, non-encrypted, Microsoft monitored parties and plugs GroupMe moderated by the mythical, enigmatic Lil Bonka, played by a CGI composite of Tekashi 6ix9ine’s likeness.

 

Billiam L. Bonka is a manifestation of all of Buckets’ desires; confident, affluent, an influencer with over 3.7 million SoundCloud followers that definitely aren’t bots, and a member of the Nine Trey Bloods who didn’t catch the real 6ix9ine case. Seeing his potential, he invites Chuck and four other influencers to an exclusive mansion rager: August Gloopy (Timmy Thick), haunch popping extraordinaire, Veruca Salty (Belle Delphine), Instagram model, Violet Beatrix (Billie Eilish), a nihilistic Juuler Zoomer Boomer goth girl who’s made viral slowed-reverb R&B remix AMVs to Bart Simpson lolicon, and Mike Twitch.TeeVee (FaZe Tfue), an aspiring e-sports streamer who sporadically breaks into problematic heated gaming outbursts.

 

Each one is vying for the same lifetime hookup to Golden Xanny Bars, but to get there, they’ll have to survive traversing Mr. Bonka’s lean river, his Everlasting Mango Pods, luscious rainbow licorice locks, his questionable harem of underaged lip-syncing Tikka Tokka girls, and a plethora of new, 808-heavy, and questionably appropriated vernacular-heavy remixes of old favorites like “Bonka’s Glass Shatter Indicavator”, “I Want It Bet”,  and “Toke With Me, And You’ll Cop a Ratchet Wave of Deadass Boolin (No Cap)”. Will Chuck spit his way to the Golden Xans? Will Time-Warner rake in another eight billion next fiscal quarter off the rehashed and reheated leftovers of old slurry? Will I give enough of a fuck to end this piece succinctly? Find out soon enough.

PBS Kids & Teletoon Films Announce Live Action “Caillou” Sequel

By Bradley “Brad” Tanner, Streetwise Children’s Cartoon Correspondent

 

Millenials and zoomers all over the world were recently taken aback by the surprise announcement of a live action “Dora The Explorer” movie starring Isabela Moner, Danny Trejo, and Benicio Del Toro, but that’s not the only kid’s show property getting an arbitrary revival that nobody asked for. According to PBS Chief Paula Kerger, Caillou is set to receive a three-hour live action sequel of its own, written and directed by avant garde filmmaking auter Lars Von Trier.

 

Set 22 years after the original series, “Caillou’s Blood and Soil” focuses on the eponymous tragic protagonist, alone, forgotten, and a despondent, forsaken man. Five years after Mommy abandoned him and two years after Daddy died of fentanyl overdose, Caillou is rudderless, castigated, and strewn upon the streets when him and his sister Rosie have failed to make rent. After slaughtering a bald 4-year old toddler whilst under the influence in a gruesome, NC-17 eight minute long take shot, Caillou must look alive, adapt fast, and navigate the waters of Canada’s most dangerous correctional facility.

 

Adapt he does, and far too well, as we watch him gradually descend into the brutal, dour, and radicalized depths of the Aryan Brotherhood, running skinhead methamphetamine, dominating the cell block fight club for commissary payments, and posting about his superior white distended fupa gut on far-right message boards. Fortunately, after a traumatic shanking, we find our anti-hero in the infirmary, where he befriends another kid’s show darling named Bill: Little Bill. Bill helps Caillou move past the reactionary prejudice of his cellmates, Caillou helps Bill move past the horrifying misogyny and serial sexual abuse of his forefather, and both are let out on parole, happily ever after, turning over a new leaf, until Caillou himself is struck and killed by an inebriated driver.

In a 15 minute post-credits monologue, Caillou witnesses a dying vision of his deceased cat Gilbert (voiced by Tim Curry) as he drowns in his own blood, establishing the PBS Kids’ Cinematic Universe and the arthouse Little Bill psychological horror spin-off once and for all. Nothing is finalized, but Vince Vaughn is rumored to play the starring role of Caillou. Release date TBA.

Joe Pesci Accuses Macaulay Culkin of Sexual Assault on Set of Home Alone

By Zeke Faux
Member of Fox and Friends

HOLLYWOOD— Macaulay Culkin is known for his mishaps with drugs, totally falling apart to a crack-cocaine addiction along with making weird pizza eating videos, but luckily in recent years he has gotten his life back on track, getting his health back in order and starting a band. With all this great news along came some pretty dark shit. Joe Pesci has recently come out about the making of “Home Alone,” stating, “They were some of the worst years of my life, I would wake up everyday hoping my reality was untrue and once I realized this was the life I lived in I would cry…I haven’t been the same since.” He said throughout the sets of “Home Alone” and Home Alone 2” Macaulay abused him both physically, sexually, and mentally, Pesci claims the treatment was worse on set than what happened to his
character in the film.

“It all started when he asked me if I wanted to hang out in his dressing room and I thought, yeah sure Macaulay seems like a cool guy, but when I got there he told me to touch his penis. I truly admired him as an actor and I did not want to disappoint him and I knew that if I didn’t he would overpower me anyway or ruin my career because he was a much more popular actor than I was. He forced me to call him Kevin and recite lines from the film as he touched me, it was degrading and made me feel stupid. He would slap my butt in front of everyone on set and they all just laughed saying how adorable he was, I wanted to cry, but I was to embarrassed so I had to hold in the tears.”

We decided to contact Marv (real name not important) and when asked about he just started crying and moaning words that were inaudible. When asked if he was going to sue, Pesci said, “No amount of money could give me my life back, this is who I am now. This is who I’ve been for nearly 30 years.”

Local Hero Has Never Actually Paid to Watch a Kevin Spacey Movie

BY Sue Denimm
Now in all realities

NEW ARK — On October 30th, 2017, Anthony Rapp came out to the press that Kevin Spacey made sexual advances towards him at age 14. More allegations have followed, and Mr. Spacey has experienced more and more backlash since, which has included being dropped by his agency and the hit Netflix show “House of Cards.” Throughout this ordeal, one man has been an unsung hero; Newark resident Brian Sanchez has proudly admitted that he has never once paid to watch a movie starring or featuring Kevin Spacey.

“Over my 27 years on this God forsaken planet, I have seen many, many movies. I’ve seen 9 Nicholas Cage movies. Many of them multiple times. But I can proudly say that I have never given a cent to Kevin Spacey,” said Sanchez.

Many people are clamoring to condemn the very obviously guilty actor. It is quickly becoming a trend to claim superiority over the once elite Hollywood moguls by going to social media and bravely stating to the world how they would never touch a child. While incredible these actions are, Mr. Sanchez has been one step up from the crowd, retroactively boycotting Spacey for years.

“Usual suspects? Sounds boring. Se7en? They can’t even spell right, why would I pay people who can’t even spell? American Beauty? I torrented that actually, but man, what a creep. I always knew he was gonna go on to touch little boys.” We asked a local mathematician to calculate how much money was actually taken away directly from Kevin Spacey’s wallet because of the dedication of Mr. Sanchez, and it has been estimated to at least $3,000.

“Just think about that, that was money he probably was gonna spend on diddling kids. Probably was gonna buy a white van with big black letters saying ‘FREE ACADEMY AWARDS FOR CHILD ACTORS’. What a disgusting pervert. And I have prevented that completely. You’re welcome,” said Sanchez.

Getting back to his Spacey- free film marathon, he added, “I would just like to announce that while I have both paid for and illegally streamed movies, I now choose to live as a film torrenter.” The world could definitely use more everyday heroes like Mr. Sanchez.

Racial Bias Penetrates Pornos

BY Richard Longshadow
Abuse Editor

TAMPA, FL— With the Oscar’s this weekend, one notices racial bias permeates more aspects of entertainment than popular movies, as pornography has been having a problem with the frightening might of Big Black Dick.

Born Richard LaCoque, Dick has fought adversity throughout his life based on his skin color. “I was always perceived as some sort of threat to all the white girls’ brothers and fathers, as if I was some sort of violent criminal! I’m not, and it’s shameful that I’m still treated differently than the other performers.

“Porn starlets are paid more for working with black men. That’s wrong because it reflects the perception of some sort of risk inherent in getting fucked by me. This practice wouldn’t be tolerated in any other job. Your boss chooses your coworkers.”

pornAletta Ocean, 40DD-27-42, has starred in numerous black double-teams and gangbangs. “I don’t mind the extra money. When it helps keep my lips and titties full, I don’t think they should mind either. I’ve worked with B. B. Dick before and he’s a gentle lover. The only time I really needed that extra pay was when I agreed to get brutalized by Bigger Blacker Dick and Biggest Blackest Dick. That paid for me to reconstruct my ears, nose, throat, snatch, and ass. Those guys really commit to a role!”

On the other end of the spectrum, pay inequality has marginalized the Southeast Asian actors. “I have to pay production companies to hire me,” claimed Sum Wang. “It’s only temporary until they realize that the largest populations in the world want to see a relatable-sized penis.”