Step 1: Receive your paycheck via direct deposit.
Step 2: Think you have a lot more money than you actually do.
Step 3: Open whatever ordering app you have on your phone.
Step 4: Take the next 45 minutes to browse the vast selection of restaurants they have to order from.
Step 5: Choose a restaurant that you’ve never eaten at to order from.
Step 6: Add something that looks tasty to your cart.
Step 7: Immediately second guess your decision and order from the same place you always do.
Step 8: Order two additional items to the one you actually wanted to hit
the delivery minimum.
Step 9: Pay the additional six dollars in delivery fees.
Step 10: Wait for 45 minutes for your food to arrive.
Step 11: Run outside barefoot and in your pj’s to get your food.
Step 12: Don’t skimp on the tip, dicks.
Step 1: Turn yourself in to the police for trying to get high, you fucking reefer head.
Step 2: Post bail.
Step 3: Get a lawyer.
Step 4: Let your parents know you’re sorry for being a giant disappointment.
Step 5: Pray for forgiveness in the eyes of whatever deity you choose.
Step 6: Bake your disgraced parents a tray of brownies by buying a box ready to make mix and following the simple instructions on the back.
Step 7: Plead guilty in a court of law for whatever charges you face.
Step 8: Leave behind your partner and infant child to spend 30 years behind bars in the state prison.
Step 9: Probably get shanked and die on your fourth day in for following the advice “first off, hit the biggest guy you see”, idiot.
Step 1: Line up 3 shot glasses on the kitchen counter.
Step 2: Fill shot glasses with Vodka (substitute with grain alcohol if desired).
Step 3: Take shots using no chaser because nothing can hurt you more today than your crushing loneliness.
Step 4: Boil two cups pasta of your choice.
Step 5: Strain and add sauce.
Step 6: Realize that you’ve cooked too much pasta for one.
Step 7: Realize that the perfect solution to this problem is having
someone to share a meal with.
Step 8: Repeat steps 1 through 3.
Step 9: Sign up for eHarmony.
Step 10: Find someone to get dinner with on Saturday.
Step 11: Be the fourth victim in a string of mysterious killings carried out by a stranger you met online.
Step 1: Crack eggs into small bowl.
Step 2: Turn stove heat on too high, and forget to grease the pan.
Step 3: Whisk together eggs and add spices to taste.
Step 4: Pour mixture into pan and listen to it make that noise when it cooks really fast. You know the one. It’s like a cchhheeeaaasshhhh.
Step 5: Scramble them shits around with a fork, scratching up the pan.
Step 6: Dump eggs on plate, making sure to scrape all the crispy stuff up too, and run pan under cold water as fast as you can so it makes that noise again and gets all steamy.
Step 7: Burn your hand on the pan.
Step 8: Garnish eggs with ketchup.
Step 9: Eat those eggs (you can pick out the little bits of shell if you desire a smoother breakfast experience.)
1) Take it easy on yourself
“Congrats, you got through college. Whoop tee doo. So, yeah go ahead and take a break. Just remember that things will catch up to you, and if your biceps aren’t prepared you could be caught in unfortunate situations. *hugh*
2) Work hard
*grunt* “Look, life won’t take it easy on you. In fact, your life is just going to get harder from here. The trick is to always look at the future and the benefits that your work will eventually achieve, like a nice juicy pickle.”
3) Work out biceps
“You had a free gym membership for 4 years and I can bet my prized horseshoe crab that you didn’t take that opportunity, you sad sack. Well you better get to work, son.” *FUCK!*
4) Prepare for disappointment
“There will be times when you will be working hard and nobody will appreciate what you’ve done. But you gotta keep at it, because someone has to put pickles on the table for the family”
5) Keep your mind open to alternatives
*HUUUUURGH* “Sometimes, things just aren’t going to work out. You have to learn to let things go and try something else” *FUCK!* *DICK!* *ASS!*
1. They make guys jealous
Mountain lions are sex ANIMALS. Chances are when you bring a guy home, all he is thinking is how you are ravaged by a ferocious carnivore every night.
2. Their oboe playing is too dissonant during sex
You knew what you signed up for when you got the mountain lion, but your sex partners don’t know that mountain lions need many years of constant practice until they can perfect the oboe. Nobody likes to listen to an amateur.
3. There are too many dead goats laying around
Ordinarily a few dead ungulates scattered around the house are a great aphrodisiac, but having too many makes you look desperate. NOT A TURN ON
4. The guy is a coyote person
Everyone is split into two personality types: puma person or coyote person. If he is a coyote person, he probably won’t click well with Tony. However, your personality auras just won’t match up anyway, so good riddance!
5. People seem to be disappearing
This one is especially mysterious. You may start to notice a trend that your sexual partners seem to be systematically disappearing after you bring them home, along with unusually high amounts of blood on your basement stairs. Chalk it up to fragile masculinity, we say.
6. You actually end up falling for the mountain lion
Mountain lions aren’t called cougars for nothing, and you can be a little bit emotionally unstable. We’ve all been there, so go have your fling and get back into the dating scene when it’s over. You may have to prepare for the possibility of a interspecies marriage (you go girl) and that revolution is still years down the road. Hang in there!