Tag Archives: Livingston Campus

Freshman Tries to Take LX Late Halloween Night

BY Grind All
Doing White People Things

NEW BRUNSWICK-Freshman Nick Corey has reportedly told friends his Halloween plans include taking a bus from the quads on Livingston to College Ave around 11 p.m. Sources close to Corey say that the freshman is confident he will be able to easily get to the College Ave campus in about 10 minutes, a sad understatement.

When asked why he believes he’ll be able to do this Corey responded “why wouldn’t I?” a statement which completely confirms his total disillusionment.

“I know getting on a LX sucks during the day but this is at night so it’s gotta be different,” said Corey. “Also Rutgers is awesome about always having a bus available so I’m sure they will put out more buses on Halloween,” a statement which also shows his complete disillusionment of how Rutgers actually works.bushalloween.png

Those close to him have tried to tell him the reality of the situation but apparently it has fallen on deaf ears.

“I keep trying to tell him! He’s just won’t listen,” said roommate Ryan Kennedy. “Poor guy actually thinks he’ll be able to get on a bus! He has no idea what he’s in for.”

Kennedy has also confirmed that Corey will be dressed as “one night stand” quite literally. Corey plans on wearing a cardboard box complete with a lamp shade balancing on top of his head.

“I know it’s a rather large costume,” said Corey. “But I’m sure there will be space on the bus to fit it all.”

RUPD Fucking Pumped When Crime Alert is Exciting

BY Arnold Palms
“Give Head” Reporter

PISCATAWAY- Police responded to a call concerning a dispute in the Livingston parking lot. While most of the police force is used to responding to calls concerning some dumb freshman getting locked out of their dorm, they were pleasantly surprised when they found out there was an actual fight.

“I told my guys, ‘Hey this is probably just some idiot kid in a towel locked out of the Quads as a prank no need to get in any gear’ and then all of the sudden we get there and there’s a guy with a machete!” said the chief of police.

Reports say that when the police got there they were so excited by having some actual action on Livingston that they waited a few minutes to see what would happen.

“We called everyone on the force. It was fucking awesome” said officer Ken McDermont.
According to witnesses the dispute involved a man with a machete confronting a man with a gun. Witnesses indicated they saw police arrive at the scene and then saw them congregate in a corner discussing quietly and pulling money out of their pockets.

“My money was on the machete man 100%. I mean a fucking machete?! You gotta be pretty fucking wild to pull that out” said officer Fred Greggs.

Officers reportedly watched the dispute like dads watch The Jets, until a gun was fired in an unknown direction.

“I mean half of me was like ‘fuck yes! This is so fucking awesome!’ and the other half of me was like ‘fuck you dude!’ I had money on the machete man and he just lost me $50” said McDermont. “But I mean all in all, it was a pretty lit day”.

The men were successfully apprehended following the incident but not before RUPD had a chance to take selfies with the only men to ever give them any action on Livingston.

Student Mistakes Prison Transport Truck for LX

BY Walter Cronkite Jr.

NEW BRUNSWICK- Freshman Bobby Smith was waiting for an LX at the College Ave Student Center bus stop on Monday morning when he accidentally boarded a white prison transport truck headed for Middlesex County Corrections. The bus looked similar to the older models of white Rutgers buses, and stopped at the crosswalk for pedestrians when Bobby entered the truck.

“It was really weird” says Bobby, “I was just jammin’ out to Nas when I thought I saw an LX, but when I got inside all of the students were in uniforms and they looked way older.

“When they dropped me off I got lunch, and I didn’t recognize the dining hall, but it was way better than Brower. I went back to my room and my roommate was super excited to see me. The RAs there are super strict too, like I can’t even keep a spoon in my room.”

After waking up the next day and being escorted to the outdoor prison yard instead of The Yard, Bobby knew something was up. That’s when Bobby put everything together. “After I got off that ratchet LX, my life changed. I became a student of life, but now I’m ready to be a student at Rutgers‑I’m ready to put my four years in.”

Livingston Campus Takes In Starving Refugees From Cook/Douglass

BY Grind All

PISCATAWAY—Last week the residents of the Cook/Douglass campuses had to be relocated due to power outages. This morning, some students had to be evacuated due to a suspicious package. The cause of the power outages as well as the exact contents of the suspicious package is still unknown, but has left many Cook/Douglass residents wondering whether their campus is safe for inhabiting. Upon hearing these concerns officials are starting to ask the other Rutgers campuses to take in the Cook/Douglass refugees. After a formal plea from President Barchi to accept the refugees, students of other campuses had mixed responses.

“No fucking way man,” said Brad Manson of College Ave. “Those smelly fucking hippies better stay away from our land!”

Other students seemed to share this sentiment, as a group of Greek life organizations formed a human chain outside of Brower attempting to “protect what’s theirs.”cookrefuge

Over on Busch there seemed to be a more confused response. “Wait, people want to come here? People are asking to live here?!” said Senior Jack Chin who has lived on Busch all four years and has always gotten a “Why do you live there?” look when disclosing his residency. A second response from Busch seemed to be an all-out denial of the situation. The campus refused to acknowledge there was even a refugee situation and insisted they were “too busy with construction.”

Livingston, on the other hand, seems to be the most likely campus as they are still in talks of accepting the refugees.

“I’d like to think of us as Canada in all of this!” said freshman Katy Higgins showing she has no idea how anything works, while other Livingston residents have cited the overcrowded buses as a reason to not let any more bodies on to the campus.
It is still unclear where these students will end up, but President Barchi has applauded the Cook/Douglass residents’ resilience during this time, and asks that all Rutgers students remain patient.

Rutgers to Add Men’s Gymnastics to B1G Athletics Line Up

By Paulie Valentine

Announced by the NCAA tuesday afternoon, Rutgers will add a Men’s gymnastics team. This initiative will create seven new coaching jobs and seventeen new scholar athletes. Rutgers joins Illinois, Iowa, Michigan, Minnesota, Ohio State, Penn State, Nebraska, all schools with Men’s Gymnastics.

“We as a program are very excited,” says female head coach Louis Levine. “Visibility of the sport of gymnastics is always good.”

Men’s gymnastics, on average has the highest amount of scholar athletes turned olympic athletes according to the NCAA. Rutgers is hoping to elevate the caliber of their scholar athletes starting with new recruits, according to Levine.

“This is a big jump for the Rutgers Athletic program,” said famed gymnast and coach Mary Lou Retton when asked at the Men’s B10 Championships last weekend, “A good men’s program always can grow a sports program.”

The new men’s program will practice in the use the same space as the girls team, in the Livingston Rec Center. The two teams will share the space until a new Gymnasium can be erected on Busch Campus.

The men’s gymnastics team looks to bring Jersey flair to B1G competitions
“This is one of the most demanding sports ever,” said athletic director Pat Hobbs, “If we will be able to bring this caliber of athlete to this university, we can really change this program.”

The expansion will not need Rutgers to change the current recruitment system, according to Hobbs, “we have too many fucking faggots laying around this goddam campus. We need something to rally them together.”

The exponential influx of homosexual males on rutgers campus has become extremely apparent in the last year alone. New research by George Takei musky phallus shows a 700% increase in the average male on male sex on campus.

This rise is is due to the opening of a Andrew Christian store in the heart of George Street. Known for their assless underwear, for easy access for anal penetration.

Because of the rise in gay sex, there is a rise in how buff and masculine these men become.
Jonathan started as a 150 pound twink, and is now a 250 pound bear who only wears nasty pig underwear.

To succeed, the team will need to focus all of their energy on competitions, not on fucking each other’s brains out.

Existence of Cook Campus in Question

BY Traitorous Gumball
Stubbly Fellow

NEW BRUNSWICK—Local cartographers speculate that Cook Campus might be a fabricated locale actually belonging to the adjacent Douglass Campus. Parallels have been drawn to the questioned existence of Central Jersey, a part of North Jersey considered distinct by its delusional inhabitants.

Official information from Rutgers flip-flops regarding whether the school has four or five campuses. The official website counts five campuses when listing its location, as does the housing and admission websites. However, other official sources, such as the email advertising the “Light Up the Knight” safety walk claim that the university has only four campuses. cookmaybe

“It’s a myth. In my semester and a half here, I’ve never seen a bus that would take me to Cook,” said freshman Mitchell Conlan. “If there were really a Cook campus attached to Douglass, the REXL would take us to both. Alas, it only travels to Douglass, because it actually exists.”

If Cook Campus actually exists, the motivation for hiding its existence is not entirely known. Some believe that the campus is hidden out of shame, in a similar manner to Douglass Campus’ Cooper dining hall.

“I’ve been there, it definitely exists,” claims freshman Gregory Hill. “It’s just that the university is ashamed of it, so they ignore it. I mean, the place literally smells like silos of horse shit.”

Another popular theory is that the campus does exist, but Rutgers staff simply forget about it due to the lack of stereotypes associated with Cook Campus.

“The problem is that the campus is forgettable. It has little to differentiate itself.” Said junior Leslie Sofocli, “Livingston campus has freshmen and the business school, Busch has Asians and STEM classes, College Ave has bars and Greeks, and Douglass has women, arts, and scenery. Cook has no particular type of student flocking there.”

Although students and staff are unsure if Cook Campus is real, they generally agree that there is little reason to trek that far to investigate.