Which STD Is Your Best Weapon?

BY Traitorous Gumball

At Rutgers University, we take great pride in our STD rate. In fact, we collect them like trading cards, Pokemon, bellybutton lint, or whatever else people collect. This is because Rutgers has a high crime rate. Therefore, the students need a new way to defend themselves in the face of these unconstitutional laws. Turns out that if you collect STDs in jars, they can be quite useful for defending yourself! Use this guide to see how each STD will help you to stay safe.

Herpes: This is most likely the easiest STD to get. Unfortunately, it is quite wimpy– it’s essentially just mildly annoying. Herpes cannot cause death, infertility, and is linked to nothing significant. However, the stigma is quite great, so herpes can be useful as a deterrent.

Crabs: These are closer to insects than diseases and should thus be avoided, unless you plan to use them as attack or guard pets.

Ghonorrhea: This might be difficult to believe, but many people hope to graduate college, settle down with a loved one, and reproduce. Sounds like hell to me, personally. Anyway, ghonorrhea can cause infertility, making it a particularly effective STD to threaten people into leaving you alone. Most criminals would steer clear of somebody carrying gonorrhea, as engaging them could prevent the existence of future baby criminals, and could lead to an extinction. It’s what happened to the hippies.

Syphilis: This is a particularly fun one to use. Syphilis is best used to attack the mind, rather than the body. That’s because it can cause early-onset dementia. As a child, have you ever wanted to slowly beat a childhood bully until they could no longer remember their name? With Syphilis, you can!

HIV/AIDS: This is it– This is the STD you want. It is incurable, like herpes. It can kill you, like syphilis. It’s even linked to cancer, like hepatitis! The only shortcoming of AIDS is that it can’t cause infertility. The bottom line is, if you want an STD that’s a terrifying jack of all trades, go with HIV. Nobody in their right mind would mess with you.

As you can see, you don’t need guns to be safe. In addition to conventional weapons like knives, squirrels, and chainsaws, you could also save your STDs! Fortunately, obtaining them is not difficult at all at Rutgers. So, stay safe– don’t use condoms.

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