STANDING ROCK, ND—The Dakota Access Pipeline protest has been a source of contention for months as Sioux natives fight against corporations to preserve their land. It’s been a long struggle for the Sioux people, who continue to lose land that’s rightfully theirs, but, according to community leaders, at least they’re back in the news.
“For some reason, a lot of white people are following this story,” said Chief KeepsGetting FuckedOver. “I know we’ll probably lose our land again, but hey, at least we’re back in the news.”
The pipeline is supposed to go through reservation land in large parts of the Dakotas and will destroy people’s homes. The pipeline was originally planned to go through white people’s homes, but they complained enough and pawned off their problem to a non-white group, a common theme in American history.
“I can’t be mad,” said FuckedOver. “I mean, it’s been like this since 1492. At least we have a bunch of Bernie Bros who are really loud and pretend to care. If only they actually did something and realize we’re suffering a lot more than this. I mean, look at our reservations. We live in squalor and people don’t give a shit about that. But, ya know, fuck it apparently.”
Many young Americans have been vocal about this issue and adopted it as their own, bringing it to the public’s attention. However, not many people have taken real action in support of the local community, and only changed their location on Facebook in pseudo-solidarity of the cause.
“They say they were at Standing Rock, but then they go buy gas at Sunoco and forget about the real issues,” said FuckedOver. “Freakin’ white people. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them. Actually, you can live without them, but it’s too late now. At least they know we exist again.”
WASHINGTON–Staff for Hillary Clinton have announced that she will be suspending all of her campaigning before Election Day. Although there has not been an official statement to the press, political pundits speculate that her lack of appearances is due to her running out of pantsuits to wear while on the campaign trail.
Those within her campaign report that Clinton has tried numerous times to get into her account, but can’t remember her password. While this is common, Trump’s investigative doctors are attributing the sudden memory loss to a preexisting medical condition.
Luckily for Clinton, Russian President for life Vladimir Putin has offered to hack Clinton’s email to help her retrieve her password. Even Donald Trump has weighted in on the issue. In a statement to Fox news he said, “We don’t know who could hack Clinton’s account, it could be Russians but it also could be China we just don’t know.”
When asked about this dilemma, forgotten nominee Gary Jonson issued his response via an interpretive dance which reads as follows: “Who cares about Clinton and her pantsuits or emails. The sun is going to eventually grow and encompass the Earth anyway.”
Bernie Sanders has said that he is surprised that this “Wall Street candidate like Clinton needs JC Penny rewards to buy her pantsuits. My family has been using JC Penny rewards since we were evicted from the Casbah in the late 90’s. We needed to save every penny because we came out of the Casbah ‘dead broke.’”
As this story developed, a tape was released by Fox News early this morning wherein Clinton is recorded saying to former President Bill Clinton “This is the exact reason why I don’t have stronger passwords!”
There has been no word yet on whether Secretary Clinton has considered buying pantsuits elsewhere.
After much time campaigning to be America’s next president, Bernie Sanders is looking forward to doing what he is best at: being a normal guy. Sanders said he is looking forward to taking a break from the high-class celebrity lifestyle he experienced during his campaign trail, with its red carpet rollouts, adoring fans, and exuberant motels. Vermont residents have already spotted him wandering the streets of their hometowns, as if he was just another kindly old gentleman taking a stroll through the park.
“You would think he would be so much more pretentious after being famous, but he seems so down to Earth!” said former Bernie supporter Patricia Thompson.
“This is incredible”, said Sanders while sitting on a bench feeding the local birds, “It’s probably even better than life as president. It’s nice to be able to walk through the streets like an average Joe.”
Bernie has been spotted doing various other mundane activities such as shopping for groceries, going to the movies, and complaining about deli prices.