Tag Archives: Football

RU Football Team Dissolves, Everyone’s Happy

By, Icky Vicky

 

All of Rutgers is high off of merrymaking and mirth at the latest, breaking news. The Rutgers Football team has officially dissolved, effective Fall 2019! Did we mention they literally dissolved as well? Well they have, and nothing but pools of blood and guts remain.

Over spring break, all people connected to Rutgers football, from the coaches to the waterboys, had gruesome date with lady death. All throughout the university and far-flung spring break destinations alike, people were melted down to the bare essentials of human life. Without the glue that held them together, all that remains are puddles of their Big Ten lifestyles. Some of the puddles were found in their homes, others were found in random places around Easton ave, and at least four where in one room on the same bed- we’ll let you figure out the rest of that mystery.

It is currently unknown how all these people literally dissolved. Most where quick to accuse Thanos, The Mad Titan. After all, he did the snappity snap snap thingy in that movie. That will be the last time The Medium goes to an insane asylum to get facts. The more sensible reporters have deduced that this was a hit job by a force that is extremely wealthy and with an agenda against the football team. One obvious conclusion is the Chemistry department, all of whom are great fans of Breaking Bad, which would explain the melting. If they didn’t join the Chemistry department to literally disintegrate people, what sane reason would they have for going through Orgo?

Whoever the culprit, it does not take away from the fact that everyone is quite happy with the news. It doesn’t make much sense though. We live in the United States, which is the birthplace of American Football. Rutgers is a football college that is a part of the NCAA, all parties and tailgates follow the Football schedule. Most of the money comes from football deals and what not. The only reason Rutgers stays relevant in the popular zeitgeist is because of its sports teams. Pretty illogical. It is almost as if we don’t know what we are talking about. But hey, everyone’s happy, it says so in the title!

Luka Modrić Wins Ballon d’Or, Ronaldo Did Not Pay Enough (314)

Robin Banks
Messi Fan

Paris, France

(Warning before reading: this article talks about the sport of soccer, AKA football. All references to “soccer” will be addressed as football from now on, you uncultured fools.)

On December 3, 2018 Real Madrid’s Luka Modrić won football’s most coveted individual prize, the Ballon d’Or. The Croatian Midfielder won his third consecutive Champions’ League and led his team to the finals of the FIFA World Cup. It is a win highly deserved and more authentic than previous years. This win is not only significant because it marks the first time a Croatian has won the award, but also the first time in ten years where the winner was neither Cristiano Ronaldo not Lionel Messi.

The other news story to come out of Paris at the same time was the extraordinarily decrease in “donations” received by France Football, the company who gives out the Ballon d’Or. One donor in particular, who goes by the name “Christian Ronald”, did not donate any money to the organization for the first time in ten years. An independent investigation launched by The Medium has concluded with 6.9% confidence that “Christian Ronald”, is, indeed, Portugal star and alleged rapist, Cristiano Ronaldo. By donating large sums of money in return for votes, Ronaldo could possibly be indicted on bribery charges. When pressed on this issue, Ronaldo said, “I donate because I am a good man. However, this year after paying $21 million to settle some unpaid dues, I simply could not afford to spend a penny from my small net worth of $450 million”.

In a press release, France Football said that they will now be accepting donations for the 2018-2019 fiscal year. “We here at France Football want players to not only compete on the field, but also in all aspects of their lives.”, said Sepp Blatter enthusiast and CEO of France Football, Didier Quillot.

Fox Agrees to Air 12 Hours of NFL Injuries in Place of Football Games

By Robin Banks

New York— On Sunday, right after Washington Redskins quarterback Alex Smith snapped his leg in two on live television, NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell announced that this Thanksgiving, all scheduled games will be cancelled. In place of this, the NFL has agreed with Fox to air 12 hours of some of the most gruesome injuries players have faced in the modern era. “We would like to give thanks this year to the equipment used by our players. Sure, a couple of them get hurt, but most of them leave the league without a scratch, right?”, said Goodell.

News spread like wildfire (too soon?) and, arguably, everyone and their 65-year-old uncle were furious. “Why should I care about who got hurt? I laid my life down for this country in ‘Nam, the least I could ask for is to ask for men in tights to beat the shit out of each other”, said outspoken critic against basic human rights, Rhett Smith. Many have threatened to boycott the NFL and the network, with many citing that watching football on Thanksgiving is the only thing they look forward to in their miserable lives.

The NFL gave a preview of the lineup of injuries that will be shown. In the morning, life threatening injuries will be shown, including Jeff Fuller breaking his neck, and Joe Theismann breaking his leg. In the afternoon, less serious injuries will be shown, including Junior Seau’s arm going limp. At night time, when half of America will be in an induced food coma, an encore of concussions will be shown to resemble the general population. As Americans come together this Thanksgiving, let us all give thanks to the wonderful game of American football, despite its barbaric history and propensity to destroy the mental capabilities of many young Americans.

“Alleged” NFL Double Murderer Insists he’s a Real Christian

By Ivan Yakinoff
Diabetic

LOS ANGELES— In the latest wild NFL offseason news, former Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis hailed his inner Jesusman and came out just hours ago with this statement when asked how he would spend 10 minutes with  Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr.

“Where there’s no God, there’s chaos. Odell has removed God from his life. This is a kid that grew up under the covenant of who God really is. And everything he’s doing, he’s crying out for help. We have a lot of people reporting about it, but it’s always been the duty of elders to go back to help people. So that’s why I raised my hand.”

As you can see, Mr. Lewis, or shall we say, Pastor Lewis, is a supposedly a real man of God. Along with a long Hall of Fame career in which he won 2 Super Bowls, Ray Lewis is also a part time TV pastor in which he shares his Chrisitan insight and tries to enlighten us all.

Despite the fact that back in 2000, when Lewis himself was involved in a double murder in which he was “allegedly” involved in the cover-up and the fact that he has 6 kids with 4 different baby mommas, Ray Lewis still insists his Christian side is totally not a act to hide and take away attention from his wrong doings.

“Let’s be real here, sure Ray Lewis was a great football player, but his preaching is a just a load of hogwash. For all we know, if he really sat down with Odell, he’d probably be more concerned with him treating him as a kicking net and playing his diva antics than actually having any sort of great religious conversation.” said Reddit r/NFL user XxTerminatedTheBirds.

Just like how we’ll never know for sure just how much Ray Lewis was actual involved in the murders, we’re just as doubtful if we’ll know how much, if any, of a real God fearing Christian he truly is. But we have more proof for the murders.

English Soccer Hooligans Ecstatic over new Fight Club

By Ivan Yakinoff
In Refractory Period

LONDON— In order to curb the ever growing problem of soccer hooliganism, the English Premier League have announced that starting in the 2018 season, hooligans will have their own EPL
sponsored fight clubs outside every stadium.

The clubs will feature steel cages with various blunt objects and weapons inside for all the fighters to use. Fights will take place before and after every match and there will even be a full Vegas style betting system in place. “The fight clubs are a huge step in the right  direction. These hooligans pose a serious threat us normal fans and our children. By giving them a place away from us where they can take out their violent drunken urges and beat the living shit out of each other, we will make the environment safer.” says Richard Scudamore, the executive chairman of the EPL.

Upon hearing this news, the actual hooligans took to the streets in celebration. Flipping over cars, randomly tossing firecrackers, and
causing nonstop mayhem, the hooligans just couldn’t hold in their joy. “Mate, as soon as I heard the news, I buttchugged several pints of Boddington’s and then proceeded to throw punches against every person that walked past me. I’m pretty sure I left one of those blokes paralyzed.” said Daniel Reynolds, lifelong Arsenal fan from Kingston.

Rutgers Convicts Lead Prison Football Team to State Championship Game

By Ivan Yakinoff
Jetlagged

NEWARK— Three years after ruining their college careers for committing armed robbery and assault, the six former Rutgers football players who were charged now have found new glory as stars of the Northern State Prison football team in Newark. After consistently finishing last in the state prison football rankings, Northern State was grateful that their latest prisoner recruits were actual football players. Finishing 14-2 and ranked as the number one
seed for the 2018 state league playoffs, Northern State will now play East Jersey State in the annual NJ Prison State Championship Game.

“They didn’t go to Rutgers to play school, but they sure as hell came to prison to play football” said Gregory Schianson, the current Northern State head coach. When asked how his team found so much success from using criminals from such a horrible football school, Schianson explained it was all in the play calling. “I just tell my players to pretend that the football is actually a bar of soap. It adds to the challenge and makes you work harder to catch and keep control the ball. Just like how you wouldn’t want to drop the soap, you wouldn’t want to drop the football either.

The team’s success wasn’t without hiccups along the way. During week 10, wide receiver and kick returner Tim Johnson was indefinitely suspended when it was revealed that he received impermissible benefits when a fellow inmate smuggled him loose Newport cigarettes. “Johnson was receiving contraband Newports even though our prison has a strict contract with Marlboro Reds. This is such a horrible crime and Johnson will have a hearing date over this
matter!” said prison director Christopher Ashworth.

As Northern State prepares for the final, they have high hopes they can reach the National Championship as well. But the prison football experts are not giving them any chance against powerhouses such as San Quentin and Leavenworth.