By, Icky Vicky
All of Rutgers is high off of merrymaking and mirth at the latest, breaking news. The Rutgers Football team has officially dissolved, effective Fall 2019! Did we mention they literally dissolved as well? Well they have, and nothing but pools of blood and guts remain.
Over spring break, all people connected to Rutgers football, from the coaches to the waterboys, had gruesome date with lady death. All throughout the university and far-flung spring break destinations alike, people were melted down to the bare essentials of human life. Without the glue that held them together, all that remains are puddles of their Big Ten lifestyles. Some of the puddles were found in their homes, others were found in random places around Easton ave, and at least four where in one room on the same bed- we’ll let you figure out the rest of that mystery.
It is currently unknown how all these people literally dissolved. Most where quick to accuse Thanos, The Mad Titan. After all, he did the snappity snap snap thingy in that movie. That will be the last time The Medium goes to an insane asylum to get facts. The more sensible reporters have deduced that this was a hit job by a force that is extremely wealthy and with an agenda against the football team. One obvious conclusion is the Chemistry department, all of whom are great fans of Breaking Bad, which would explain the melting. If they didn’t join the Chemistry department to literally disintegrate people, what sane reason would they have for going through Orgo?
Whoever the culprit, it does not take away from the fact that everyone is quite happy with the news. It doesn’t make much sense though. We live in the United States, which is the birthplace of American Football. Rutgers is a football college that is a part of the NCAA, all parties and tailgates follow the Football schedule. Most of the money comes from football deals and what not. The only reason Rutgers stays relevant in the popular zeitgeist is because of its sports teams. Pretty illogical. It is almost as if we don’t know what we are talking about. But hey, everyone’s happy, it says so in the title!