Tag Archives: police

White People Need to Die

By Bill O’Leary

Yeah. That’s right, you read that right, white people need to die. I don’t mean every single one of them. But I do believe we—yeah that’s right, I’m a whitey too—need to shed some blood. Every time I see the headline, “Man shot by police,” I hope that the victim is a white male. It’s only fair. We deserve it. Each time, I open up my laptop and click on the news links to see if I’m going to see the face of a white bastard, deserving of a bullet, and instead it’s always some poor, black kid, who was wearing a hoodie, or walking down the street with skittles. It’s just so unjust that only minorities are shot by police and I believe that maybe the best way to get over the racial divide in this country is to allow for the score to be evened. I firmly believe whitey has to spill some blood to make that happen, only then will our country be united. I offer to be first.

RUPD Fucking Pumped When Crime Alert is Exciting

BY Arnold Palms
“Give Head” Reporter

PISCATAWAY- Police responded to a call concerning a dispute in the Livingston parking lot. While most of the police force is used to responding to calls concerning some dumb freshman getting locked out of their dorm, they were pleasantly surprised when they found out there was an actual fight.

“I told my guys, ‘Hey this is probably just some idiot kid in a towel locked out of the Quads as a prank no need to get in any gear’ and then all of the sudden we get there and there’s a guy with a machete!” said the chief of police.

Reports say that when the police got there they were so excited by having some actual action on Livingston that they waited a few minutes to see what would happen.

“We called everyone on the force. It was fucking awesome” said officer Ken McDermont.
According to witnesses the dispute involved a man with a machete confronting a man with a gun. Witnesses indicated they saw police arrive at the scene and then saw them congregate in a corner discussing quietly and pulling money out of their pockets.

“My money was on the machete man 100%. I mean a fucking machete?! You gotta be pretty fucking wild to pull that out” said officer Fred Greggs.

Officers reportedly watched the dispute like dads watch The Jets, until a gun was fired in an unknown direction.

“I mean half of me was like ‘fuck yes! This is so fucking awesome!’ and the other half of me was like ‘fuck you dude!’ I had money on the machete man and he just lost me $50” said McDermont. “But I mean all in all, it was a pretty lit day”.

The men were successfully apprehended following the incident but not before RUPD had a chance to take selfies with the only men to ever give them any action on Livingston.

How to Get that Cute Grocery Store Employee to Notice You

BY Latin Mama

So not that we’re totally “grown-ups” who do adult things like food shopping, you’re gonna need to know how to properly hit on that hottie supermarket employee. But let’s be honest…their standards are probably really low, so you really shouldn’t have any trouble…but follow these foolproof tips just in case!

 Knock over merchandise “accidentally.” And I’m not talking one box of cereal…go big or go home and dramatically tip over the lobster tank or pyramid of Charmin Extra Strong. This way, they’ll have to take a loooong-ass time to pick everything up…a.k.a. more time to talk to you 😉 Clean-up in Aisle “my pants”, am I right?

 Slip over a grape. Desperate measure, I know, but it’s guaranteed to work. Not only will your crush rush to your rescue, but you may also be able to sue the store and pay your tuition! Extra points for bleeding profusely.

 Only use credit cards with chips at the check-out. With how long it takes for your credit card chip to process, you could meet your crush, fall in love, and even plan your wedding. Great story to tell the grandkids!

 Loudly ask where they keep the XL Magnum Condoms. If you’re a male, then she’ll know that you have a huge, Ron Jeremy-esque (ewwww) cock, and if you’re a gal…then he knows that you only fuck (literally) wit da best! Win-win either way.

 Profess your undying love for him/her over the store’s loudspeaker. If it works for people in the movies, why couldn’t it work for you?! However, take caution because this ballsy move runs the risk of you getting hauled off by the cops…but this will make you seem reckless, and therefore, sexy (at least to people with daddy issues)!

iOS 10 Update: WORLDWIDE Victory for Gun Control

BY Keith Fraiser
Local Detective

CUPERTINO, CA—Apple stunned the world this week with a new iOS update that converts all firearms into water guns. The long-awaited iOS 10 update brings many new and exciting features to iOS devices, as well as eliminating all future mass shootings, police killings, and accidents from unsafe firearm handling. ios

“This is a great day in not only American history, but the history of the world. No longer will we have to worry about the safety of our children in schools,” said President Obama in a statement praising Apple for its monumental service to the safety of mankind. “This will eliminate the mass shooting epidemic we have in this country once and for all, and for that we have Apple to thank.”

In addition to eliminating mass shootings, the new iOS update is a major victory in the fight against police brutality and senseless killings. American police officers are particularly upset about the new update. “I can’t believe our guns just disappeared,” says RUPD officer Colin Anderson. “Being able to carry a gun was the only reason I signed up for this job. I feel like a fucking Frenchman.”

While Anderson might be upset that he won’t be able to shoot any minorities on campus, the rest of us can sleep soundly knowing that Steve Jobs is watching proudly over our newly gun-free America.

Kidnapped Alumnus Fails to Raise Interest for Ransom

BY The Bus Kid
Saltier than the Sea

BASKING RIDGE, NJ— Rutgers alumnus Joe Lowe was reported kidnapped last Friday but his rescue is currently marred by a concerning lack of interest in raising his ransom.

The letter tacked to his front door, written in letters cut from tabloid magazines, demands cash in return for Lowe’s life. It seems that Lowe was a randomly chosen target because most would describe him as, “the man who’s just there,” and he was most likely kidnapped for filling the two requirements of breathing and human.

In hopes of raising as much money as possible, the shitty abductors did not limit themselves by setting a ransom and rather left the amount vague. However, this backfired as neighbors and friends did not even bother pooling money for Lowe’s return.

According to the police, the Lowe household has not yet made any attempt to gain the kidnapper’s attention. Wife Jennifer Myers–Lowe lamented, “Yeah… it’s a real shame. We were supposed to go out to Olive Garden that night and he never came back.” ransom.jpg

When asked about her efforts in raising her husband’s ransom, Myers-Lowe answered, “Uh, yeah. I mean of course I would like him back, but money is tight right now and I don’t know how much I can really spare.” She curtly closed the doors on reporters, claiming she felt too distraught to continue while sipping on her margarita.

After several days of waiting for the kidnapper to demand the ransom’s delivery, a finger that has been identified as Lowe’s right pinky was sent to the local police station. A blood-stained note promising more to come with barely legible handwriting accompanied the finger. Upon receiving the appendage, Detective Muller, who had been assigned the case, publicly offered the highest amount yet, $5, and stated, “I just don’t care enough about this bullshit paperwork, let’s just get it done with.”

Why Are You In My House?

BY Brad Pittbrad

Yeah I’m Brad Pitt, who the fuck are you? Yes I was the guy who was in Moneyball and Troy, but I don’t see how that gives you any right to be in my house. I fucking LIVE here. Don’t you see that door? That door means you must knock to come in my damn house you penis. Look, I understand that maybe you are a big fan of my work such as my movie 12 Monkeys and I have a sweet mustache, but I have to tell you I do not appreciate you turning on my living room ceiling fan and pouring mustard on my dachshund; saying you will eat him. It’s goddamn unpleasant. Now please, you must exit my residence IMMEDIATELY.

Wait, now where are you going? You can’t just lie down on MY couch; I was just sitting there before I found you IN MY BATHROOM, flipping the lightswitch, claiming it was a lightning storm or something. There can’t be lightning in here, wing ding. We are inside and it’s impossible. Where do you even get this address? I’m supposed to be unlisted. Yes, I produced 12 Years a Slave, but that doesn’t mean I want random strangers coming into my house and playing around with my expensive lighting! Not in my house buddy.

Hey come back here, don’t go jumping in the pool! I know I upset a lot of people by divorcing Jennifer Aniston but hey, I’ve done some good things, and it really does not warrant you taking it upon yourself to take a refreshing dip in my pool. I told everyone back in 2004 to vote for John Kerry, bet you wish you had that one back. I was also in Mr. & Mrs. Smith, which will be on FX later this week. Your welcome, now please stop wearing my sandals.

Hey! Hey! Stop right there. Fine. You may have a few Fritos from my pantry, but then you have five minutes to leave or I’m calling the police.