BY Grind All
Greek Life Insider
NEW BRUNSWICK—In an effort to finally surpass Penn State in donations for Dance Marathon, RUDM organizers have decided to start the FTK Cult. This decision comes after The Medium produced a scathing article about how Rutgers, in its most successful year ever, could still only raise 10% of what Penn State can raise.
Reports say that the FTK Cult is being advised by cult experts such as the Westboro Baptist Church. The cult will begin picketing in similar fashions as the Church except they will be shaming and protesting people who do not donate to their cause. The hopes are that this aggressive format will motivate others to donate. This type of guerrilla canning will include intense psychological torture to citizens that deny donating. The cult has been instructed to follow home those who deny donating and yell “ASS-HOLE, ASS-HOLE” at them until they finally donate some amount of money. The cult has also said they would use force but what kind of force isn’t clear yet.
DM would also try to persuade members of the cult to meet a minimum of $2,000 in donations. Though there is a requirement now for the charity, it is more of a suggestion that is loosely enforced with the only penalty being inability to participate in the DM weekend. In addition, the cult would shame those who didn’t make the goal by giving them a shot of whatever sickness ailing the child for whom they are fundraising. This would make the participants realize how shitty the sick kids have it and motivate them to get all the money they can.
“We’re really excited about this,” said Dance Marathon spokesperson Matt Janson. “For years, we’ve been behind Penn State but starting a cult where people are forced to make at least $2,000 or else they’ll get some kind of cancer is the perfect way to make sure we make the most money possible.”
The cult is even backed by President Barchi who called the cult and its ruthlessness the “best chance Rutgers to stop being a disgrace.” The cult has even been described as carrying the entirety of Rutgers on their back, a label they are happy to have. Hopefully with the creation of this cult Rutgers will finally bring some pride back to the school and can actually say “Fuck Penn State” for an actual real reason.
Does the Rightish Thing
PISCATAWAY—After only 18 years in existence, RUDM has finally hit its mark, raising a record $1 million for the kids. This monumental success comes just days after Penn State officially raised over $10 million, which is by no means even close to a record for them.
The annual dancing-fundraising marathon is a cherished tradition at both Rutgers and Penn State, along with many other college campuses throughout the United States.
However, Penn State happens to be approximately ten times better at it on a relatively average year than we are on our best year.
Reports have surfaced that Penn State’s football team may be better than ours as a direct result of the amount of children they save in comparison to us. Critics have said that their football team does much more damage to children than good for them, and they have to raise that much more money to make up for it. It’s not clear at this point whether there is any merit to these reports, but what is clear is that children potentially dying is preferable to attending the Pennsylvania State University.
Outta the Box
BELLEFONTE, PA—Jeffrey S. Sandusky, the adoptive son of infamous Jerry “Big Papa” Sandusky, was arrested after allegations of sexual abuse of minors arose. Jeffrey Sandusky, lovingly called “Horse Vomit” by colleagues, is now being held at $200,000 bail, coincidentally at the same prison where his father is currently serving his life sentence. A joint shanking is being prepared for the two to celebrate in the occasion.
While it is a shame that Jeffrey ended up being horrible sub-human garbage like his father, the corrections officers are looking to make an event out of the reunion of the two Sanduskys. Warden Michael Mathers said that family meeting up in prison is “not an uncommon event around here, we get cousins and brothers joining up all the time. Sometimes it’s for the same crime.”This case however differed from others. The warden continued, “We never see father and sons around here. Hell, most of these guys have never even seen their own fathers before. This would almost be touching. The fact that they both are child molesters lets us feel no guilt for letting the other prisoners loose on them.”
Warden Mathers hopes that this event will help boost prisoner morale by allowing them to take out their repressed abandonment issues on the father-son duo. Medical staff has been alerted and are set to turn a blind eye to the Sanduskys over the next few days.
BY Stephen A. Smiff
Missing Skip Bayless
HAPPY VALLEY, PA— Calling Joe Paterno one of the “greatest winners of all time”, president-elect Donald Trump recently demanded Penn State re-erect the statue commemorating the disgraced former head coach.
“This country will be a country of winners,” said Trump in an interview with a Pennsylvania newspaper on Sunday. “As president, I will celebrate all of our winners. This country is great at football, Joe Paterno was a great football coach, and therefore there is no reason his statue should have ever been taken down.”
The Paterno statue was taken down in 2012 after it was discovered he spent years covering up countless cases of sexual assault perpetrated by members of his staff. However, as a head coach from 1966-2011, he won a record 409 games, including two national championships, though all of his wins after 1998 were forfeit, dropping him to 12th-best all time.
Trump admonished those who took the statue down, calling the university officials “boneheads” and “losers”. Trump promised to re-erect the statue before the beginning of the 2017-18 school year.
Trump claimed this has always been part of his plan to “Make America Great Again,” as celebrating the greatest figures of America’s favorite sport is how he plans to promote winning. Trump also plans on erecting statues for O.J Simpson, Lawrence Taylor, Mike Ditka and Ray Rice.
The Penn State community, which was recently baffled when Paterno was honored at a football game this season, is not for re-erecting the statue, as they do not want to unearth that dark, disgusting, degrading 30-year period. Most students who are against Trump’s plan then went to binge drink at a party and force themselves sexually on unwilling participants.
Trump was unfazed by university backlash, claiming they are “stupid molesters who don’t know greatness if it grabbed them by the pussy”.
“This country cannot keep running away from its great history,” said Trump. “First we forget about Paterno’s greatness. What’s next? We forget about everything Robert E. Lee did? We ignore the great accomplishments of Andrew Jackson? We dismiss Walt Disney’s social causes? That’s just wrong.”
BY Mike Hawk
Most Likely to smile
PISCATAWAY—This past week on ESPN, the NCAA released the recent rankings of all college football teams. This was an extensive, well thought out list that was concluded by polls that took into the account of all coaches as well as some analysts.
Our analysts here at The Medium took a look at the list and our very own Scarlet Knights are ranked at 129th place. That is directly below the famed Trump University. We have reached out to a spokesperson for Trump University asking how they managed to gain a spot on the NCAA rankings for football teams when they do not possess one.
“We here at Trump University expect nothing but the best from our staff. We will be the best non football having team this country has ever seen. No other college will be better at not having a football team than us, no one; I can promise you that.”
Although the university spokesperson did not answer our question, it was clear that he was very passionate about being the greatest non-team having sports team this great nation has ever seen. Trump University will do everything in its power to make college football great again. We should do our part as the Scarlet Knights to help as well as chant “Lock up Penn State” this Saturday.