Tag Archives: Sex

5 Pieces of Advice from a Guy Struggling to Open a Jar of Pickles

1) Take it easy on yourself
“Congrats, you got through college. Whoop tee doo. So, yeah go ahead and take a break. Just remember that things will catch up to you, and if your biceps aren’t prepared you could be caught in unfortunate situations. *hugh*

2) Work hard
*grunt* “Look, life won’t take it easy on you. In fact, your life is just going to get harder from here. The trick is to always look at the future and the benefits that your work will eventually achieve, like a nice juicy pickle.”

3) Work out biceps
“You had a free gym membership for 4 years and I can bet my prized horseshoe crab that you didn’t take that opportunity, you sad sack. Well you better get to work, son.” *FUCK!*

4) Prepare for disappointment
“There will be times when you will be working hard and nobody will appreciate what you’ve done. But you gotta keep at it, because someone has to put pickles on the table for the family”

5) Keep your mind open to alternatives
*HUUUUURGH* “Sometimes, things just aren’t going to work out. You have to learn to let things go and try something else” *FUCK!* *DICK!* *ASS!*

Fraternities Promoting Sexual Violence Awareness Still Require Ratio

BY Walter Cronkite Jr
Greek Life Insider

NEW BRUNSWICK — Not seeing the explicit irony, fraternities at Rutgers continue to advocate for the prevention of sexual violence while forcing all male, non-guest list partygoers to have ratio.

“Hey bro, I only see three girls and one of you,” Beta Rho Omega brother Arnie van Jaaran reportedly said, whose fraternity was enforcing a 6-to-1 female-to-male ratio Friday. “I can’t let you in unless you got more girls, yo. But while I have you here, would you care to make a donation to RAINN, the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization?”

This is not an isolated incident, as reportedly every fraternity that is not guest-list only continues to use ratio at parties year after year. The reported minimum ratio is 4-to-1 at Tau Iota Tau, yet the reported minimum amount of service hours per brother at Rutgers is 10 a semester, though the message and actions do not seem to resonate.

ratio
RAINN IS LUCKY TO HAVE ARNIE Hey man equality is just the right thing to do

“Yeah we do a lot of work with The Office for Violence Prevention and Victim Assistance, which provides an amazing service on campus that I really recommend people use,” said Sam Young, president of Alpha Sigma Sigma. “At the same time, though, we can’t be throwing sausagefests every weekend. Frankly, girls should see it as a compliment. They’re desirable. As a reward, guys that pull get to party, and girls are given free drinks and get to swat away unwanted advances.”

When asked about the apparent hypocrisy, Young did not see it.

“Nah we have inter-fraternal meetings all the time, and we always congratulate each other on the positive impact we have on the culture of sexual violence prevention on this campus.”

The office of Fraternity & Sorority Affairs did not make an official comment on the issue, but did note fraternity contributions to the cause, both monetarily and through volunteer hours.

When asked, most independent students on campus were indifferent on the issue.
“It’s whatever,” said senior Jessica Hernandez. “I go to the bars now.”

NHL Adds Clay Aiken to Banned Substances

BY Throb Lowe
Wants It That Way

NEW YORK— The National Hockey League announced that they will be adding music by Clay Aiken to their list of banned substances.

Commissioner Gary Bettman told reporters in a conference on Monday that “The National Hockey League is an institution with a storied history. To protect the legacy and the future of the sport of hockey, we will be adding music by Clay Aiken to our list of banned substances.” Bettman continued to say that the amendment will become effective after the post-season has ended.

Research from a third-party group of analysts shows that players who test positive for Clay Aiken are on average less productive on the ice, and more prone to injury. To test whether a play has been listening to Clay Aiken’s music, doctors will softly play the song “Invisible” in the background of the waiting room. If a player quietly hums the chorus or taps along to the beat, doctors mark them as positive.

Columbus Blue Jackets head coach John Tortorella told reporters, “I think the ban is good. I know damn well that my players don’t listen to Clay Aiken. We don’t need guys out on the ice underperforming because they’re daydreaming about his soft eyes.”

Repercussions for a positive test are severe. The first time a player violates the new amendment they will suspended indefinitely for 20 games. The second time a player is caught listening to Clay Aiken they will be suspended for the rest of the season.

While harsh, the rule is justified according to Penguins star Sidney Crosby. “When I broke my jaw back in 2013 it was totally preventable. I’ll admit it, I was singing along to Clay in my head when I got hurt. If I had been paying attention I would have been fine. I’m on board with the new rule, since it’ll help protect the younger guys coming into the league.”

I’VE FOUND A NEW WAY TO STAY A VIRGIN

BY Robin Michelle robin.png

I’m a good Catholic girl, and as a result, I refuse to have sex before I get married. Only my husband will take my virginity, none of these walking meatsticks that you see around campus and at frat parties. The Bible says that I can not have sex so I will not!

Of course this isn’t exactly what my boyfriend wants to hear, he wants to put it in me right now and cum all over my body, and I can’t blame him. I know of the loophole that everyone uses, and yes my boyfriend does fuck me in the ass. But you know what? It’s painful! He never uses lube, because lube is Satan’s precum, and so as a result, I can’t have him fuck me in the bum anymore, because of all the tearing. There’s so much blood down there now.

But fear not, I believe I’ve found a solution that keeps my hymen intact, and keeps my boyfriend happy. So my fellow Catholic girls listen up! The past week, whenever my boyfriend has asked me to get him off, I’ve gone and picked up a cantaloupe and placed it in the microwave. Then, after about 5 minutes, I take it out and cut a cylindrical hole in it. Finally, I squeeze my thighs together to keep the melon between my legs and I guide my boyfriend slobbering cock into the hole. He thrusts back and forth and back and forth, while I stay stationary, moving is a sin! And finally when he cums, I look at him and smile a wry smile before emptying the hole’s contents into my mouth.

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Man Hesitant to Go Back To Big Spoon After Wild, Accidental Night As Little Spoon

BY Grind All
Related to Kenny G

NEW JERSEY- Local man Dan Bahru recently experienced the heaven that is being the little spoon while cuddling. Reports say that Bahru was sleeping over his girlfriend Cecilia Bank’s house last Saturday when the event took place. Apparently in the middle of night Bahru got up to go to the bathroom. The movement ended up disturbing Banks just slightly enough for her to roll over. When Bahru returned to his normal spot in the bed he found himself in the little spoon position.

“At first I didn’t know what to do,” said Bahru. “Should I flip her over? Should I just go back to my normal position and face back-to-back with her?”

After a couple moments of deliberation Bahru hesitantly slide into bed at the little spoon. Almost immediately Banks reached out her arms in her sleep and pulled Bahru to her chest, completing the little spoon event.

“The first moment of being little spoon was shocking to say the least,” continued Bahru. “All of the sudden I was surrounded with this warmth and sense of security. I almost started crying”.

Bahru reportedly spent the next 30 minutes reveling in the newfound sensation of little spoon all while trying to suppress emotions he has not felt since he was last hugged by his father 10 years ago. He was also apparently silently cursing out his girlfriend for keeping the amazingness of the little spoon a secret for all these years. Had she been awake she would have heard him murmuring “selfish” under his breath before snuggling his back into her stomach further.

This feeling of total bliss did not last forever though. After awaking the next morning to his girlfriend getting ready for the day, the overwhelming realization that he would have to, again, go back to being the big spoon set in.

“I don’t know if I can do it,” he sighed. “I mean after an experience like that? How the hell am I supposed to go back to feeling the cold air of loneliness hitting my back?”

Bahru is reportedly still trying to figure out how to manipulate his girlfriend’s sleeping position each night so that he can go back to being the little spoon without the confrontation with his girlfriend.