This Thanksgiving, use this list to figure out what dishes you shouldn’t bring if you want a nice, peaceful, apolitical family meal.
Brussels Sprouts with Bacon – Despite the bacon attempting to save this dish, bringing brussels sprouts to the meal will definitely lead to Uncle Jeff bringing up Brussels, the de facto capital of the EU, and why Brexit was necessary to get out of the tangled mess of laws that are forcing large economies to hold up unimportant countries and the bacon just reminds Jeff of the migrant situation that the EU is facing.
Butternut Squash – Seriously? BUTTerNUT squash? Skip bringing this to the meal unless you want to hear Uncle Glen go off again on why “The Gays don’t deserve rights and what they’re doing in their bedrooms when they sodomize each other is unholy.” Last year he immediately followed that by going out to his Ford F-150 and sitting at the dessert table caressing his shotgun. For your mother’s sanity, just don’t bring this.
Couscous Risotto – You thought it would be fun to do an alternative to regular risotto, but of course Aunt Kathy, a postal worker, sees the Middle-Eastern origin of this dish and will absolutely go off on how all Muslims are terrorists who try to send anthrax and bombs through the mail. She spent the majority of last year insisting that the entire family should eat only pork to stick it to those “Halal fucks.” Her words, not mine. Good thing you didn’t bring Fariba, your new Muslim girlfriend this year.
Dulce De Leche – Here goes Uncle Glen again, Glen, a foreman at the local manufacturing plant is immediately going to launch into a tirade about getting “These god-damn job stealing Mexicans out of his country and plant.” Cinco cervezas deep, Glen, who has no problem drinking Corona, is going to keep going on about how Mexican desserts have no place in this country as long as his heart is pumping and his blood is red like an American.
Tofurkey – Your newly Vegan cousin tried to bring one of these last year, insisting everyone should try it while talking about why Christopher Columbus was a genocidal monster, and that the pilgrims were rapists who took the land of the Native Americans without giving them anything in return, besides syphillis. In response, Grandpa Walter turned to your parents yelling, “I can’t believe you two are paying for her to go to Vassar and get her mind filled with this liberal bullshit. Back in my day, it was called Thanksgiving because they liked it.”