Tag Archives: Sex

Freshman Women’s Studies Major Finds Out He’s Lesbian

BY Sue Denim
Gal That Fucks

NEW BRUNSWICK— After just three weeks into fall classes, Hayden Weiner came to the shocking realization that he is, in fact, be a lesbian. College is a time for discovery: Discovering who your friends are, what your interests are, and what you want to do with your life. For Mr. Weiner, it was discovering that he was actually a lesbian.

“I think I finally caught on to something during my second Gender, Culture, and Representation lecture. The professor was reading a story about a person who was attracted to females and I thought, ‘Hey that sounds a lot like me!’ Then she revealed that this person was a woman and I thought, ‘Oh my god. I’m a lesbian?!’” said Mr. Weiner.

lesbian
SHOCKER Artist rendition of the exact moment poor Hayden realized he was one of them gay chicks

The Rutgers LGBTQA+ community has reached out to Hayden and assured him that he was not the only freshman to undergo this life altering discovery, and that he will be accepted with open arms.

“It’s so strange. My whole life I’ve been attracted to girls and just assumed that meant I was heterosexual. I never even considered that this whole time I liked girls because I was lesbian,” said Mr. Weiner.

Professor Aubrey Hope -Fleming, the professor of that fateful lecture, has approached the Medium, explaining what she thinks the situation is.

“It is very common for students to come to this discovery about themselves in my classroom. I really try to get the students to rethink their view of sexuality. When I show a picture of a busty young broad on the projector to the enjoyment of many of the men in the audience, I want those men to be baffled when they find out that maybe they are actually women attracted to that young lady,” said Hope-Fleming.

The Women and Gender studies department has many resources and scientific papers that link college age men with late onset homosexuality.

“This is life changing for me. How will I ever be allowed in straight bars? Or take that dream vacation to Saudi Arabia?” said Weiner.

After some thought, Mr. Weiner has decided to embrace the change, and has since cut his hair six inches and has started wearing tucked in button down shirts, chinos, and loafers everywhere.

George R. R. Martin’s Sister Feels a Bit Concerned About Level of Incest in “Game of Thrones” Books

BY Sue Denimm
Senior Analist

SAN ANTONIO— Janet Martin, sister of George R. R. Martin, famous author of “A Song of Ice and Fire” series, says she feels a little bit conflicted in how some of the characters were portrayed.

“The books that he has written are so incredible. I am amazed at how he has created such a vast universe of sprawling landscapes, complicated political systems, and intricate character interactions through detailed story lines. I did feel a little strange about all the incest though,” said Mrs. Martin.

The books, which have been adapted to the award winning television show “Game of Thrones”, are known to have somewhat less conventional relationships. Many fans have admitted that while this was a bit jarring at first, they have grown to love and accept these characters for what they are.

“Oh, don’t get me wrong, I love Jaime. I mean he’s a great character. And his arc is fantastic.But did he have to have sex with his sister so many times?” asked Mrs. Martin.
Mr. R. R. Martin has said that when he was writing the books, he drew inspiration from his own life experiences.

“All of the characters that I write are specifically written the way that they are so that the events can play out exactly as I need them. Sometimes this means characters do some unsavory things. That doesn’t mean I necessarily condone doing those things,” said Mr. Martin.

The television show on HBO has been criticized in the past for showing graphic scenes involving rape and murder, but despite this has been growing more popular each year, reaching record ratings for the season seven finale this summer.

“As a kid, George would always tell me how much he loved me. Sometimes my friends thought it was really weird, especially when I was a teenager,” said Mrs. Martin.

“I had a completely normal relationship with all of my family members growing up. Why do you ask?” said George.

Game of Thrones comes back in 2018, and George has promised it will feature even more of Jaime, Cersei, Danaerys, and Jon Snow in the upcoming season.

 

You’re Welcome, Freshmen: The Medium Ranks the Official “RUcketlist”

Move in day has passed, signaling the start of the school year. For upperclassmen, it’s back to the grind of burning the candle at both ends. For freshmen, there lies a sea of unknowns.

Fortunately for confused freshmen, Rutgers was kind enough to create a “RUcketlist”—a rundown of can’t-miss activities and experiences the University has to offer.

For the droves of bewildered incoming freshmen, this list probably seems foreign and daunting. Some sophomores may even want some guidance.

Don’t worry, The Medium is here to help. We are ranking all 27 items on the list to steer everyone, especially the freshmen, in the right direction.

  1. Get tested for AIDS/HIV – This will make all you worried freshmen look cool immediately. Go to the Hurtado Health Center on College Ave your first week of school and get tested, that way all the people on your floor will think you’re awesome and already got laid. You lie to some kids you’d like to befriend and get tested to backup your story. It’s a win-win; you either get to check out a different part of your new school while surreptitiously making new friends, or you get your results back and find out you actually have HIV! Either way you get some free condoms out of it.
  2. Attend a football game – Whether you’re a sports fan or not, going to at least one football game is a must. Luckily, Rutgers opens the season on Friday against No. 8 Washington, which means you’ll get to experience a Rutgers football tradition at your first game: an embarrassing blowout. When you’re at a game, make sure to use a meal swipe on some Papa John’s pizza, then drunkenly hurl it 20 rows deep toward the marching band.
  3. Fall Involvement Fair – Everybody goes to the involvement fair. This is where you plan your future before classes even start by giving out your email to almost every club you pass. Just make sure to grab as many pens and starburst as you can, and try to avoid being one of those creepy freshmen who walk around by themselves.
  4. Join a Student Organization – Now that you’ve signed up for at least 15 clubs, you have to join all of them. That’s how it works; nobody likes a flake. Don’t worry about classes, those are easy, just like high school. This is how you make lifelong connections, by spreading yourself too thin.
  5. Jump Off the High Dive at the Werblin Pool – Now that classes have started and you’re in a bunch of clubs, you’re going to want to kill yourself. That’s a big commitment, so jump off the high dive first to see if you’re cut out for it. We suggest doing a bellyflop. When the lifeguard comes to save you, he or she will ask you which NFL team Sonny Werblin owned to make sure you’re okay.
  6. Eat a Fat Sandwich – All right, so killing yourself isn’t the best idea, but swimming is always fun. Now that you feel depressed and lonely, use food to cope, and what better food to cope with than Rutgers’ famous fat sandwiches. Head over to their new location at The Yard and inhale some greasy food while sobbing until the store closes at 3 a.m.
  7. Before I Die Walls (10/3/17- 10/5/17) – RUPA puts this event on to help motivate students to reach their goals, but now you’ve been wallowing for weeks, so use these walls to send one last message out to the world.
  8. Join a Fraternity or Sorority – So somebody saw you write a grim, horrifying note on those walls, and now you’re getting some well-needed counseling from CAPS. You haven’t made a breakthrough yet, so you’re just lying to yourself about being happy. That’s the perfect time to rush. Put on a fake smile and bury your pain with alcohol, then go to your dorm room and sob into your twin mattress. Try not to wake up your roommates with your muffled tears, you crazy freshmen.
  9. Play Basketball at Deiner Park – When the gyms are packed, take advantage of the nice weather and play outside at the courts behind the river dorms on College Ave. You’ll be mingling with Middlesex County locals, though, so to the white freshmen, just keep your head down. Just be a team player and learn some cool new slang.
  10. Dance Marathon – This is a crazy time of the year. It feels great to donate to a good cause, but it’s really about sharing pictures of yourself dancing at the RAC for 12 hours on social media. If you didn’t post a picture did you even donate? No, we all know you didn’t donate anything, Frank.
  11. Convocation & Carnival – Only go to this to overhear conversations about where parties are that night. Then go out and learn about ratio.
  12. Take a Photo at the RevolUtionary Monument – Do this to truly appreciate how underwhelming our 250th anniversary gift is.
  13. Participate in Homecoming Bed Races – If you enjoy pointless activities filled with menial tasks, do the bed races. Nobody is really that sure what they’re for, and you get to waste time decorating a bed. Also if you’re lucky, the people racing next to you may swerve and run you over.
  14. Run in the Big Chill 5k – If you learn anything your freshmen year, you never have to pay for t-shirts. Run in the Chill for the shirt.
  15. Attend the Mark Conference – Instead of listening to a professional give an interesting TED Talk online, listen to people you’ve never heard of for an entire day in uncomfortable chairs. There will be free food, though. College is about snagging free food, too.
  16. Hot Dog Day – Wait in line for an hour for a single hot dog. Then go jump in a bouncy house and throw up. Warning: Don’t be fooled by any short lines–those are lines for vegan hot dogs.
  17. See a Livingston Theatre Company or Cabaret Performance – If you’re having a tough time as a freshman, watching a poor production put on by your fellow peers is a great way to make you feel better about yourself. You’ll have to sit through two excruciating hours of amateur acting, though, so it may not be worth it.
  18. Pet a Piglet at the Cook Farm – Overrated.
  19. Attend the RUPA Masquerade Ball – Only go to this if you’re a pretentious douche bag. Also, freshmen who are pretentious douchebags have a hard time making friends.
  20. Scarlet Harvest – What is this?
  21. Geek Week – And this?
  22. Scarlet Day of Service – This? These are probably just all made up to confuse freshmen. We’re looking out for you, though.
  23. Party at the Puddle – There’s an oversized puddle on Cook. Some people like to sit by it. That’s all you freshmen need to know.
  24. Bring a Friend to the Homecoming Bonfire – After people took this opportunity to toss their fake friends into the flames, Rutgers security now guards the fire. Not really worth going anymore.
  25. Homecoming Week: Bonfire, Bed Races + More! – Why would Rutgers put this on the list? You either mention the entire event or highlight the specifics, not both. Pathetic.
  26. Get Take Out From Neilson Dining Hall – What makes Neilson so special? Don’t fall for the food hall wars. Stand united in disgust of them all.
  27. Take a Selfie with the Scarlet Knight – Don’t mock the person inside who’s dying of a heat stroke. Bring the Knight some water and get out of the way.

5 Pieces of Advice from a Guy Struggling to Open a Jar of Pickles

1) Take it easy on yourself
“Congrats, you got through college. Whoop tee doo. So, yeah go ahead and take a break. Just remember that things will catch up to you, and if your biceps aren’t prepared you could be caught in unfortunate situations. *hugh*

2) Work hard
*grunt* “Look, life won’t take it easy on you. In fact, your life is just going to get harder from here. The trick is to always look at the future and the benefits that your work will eventually achieve, like a nice juicy pickle.”

3) Work out biceps
“You had a free gym membership for 4 years and I can bet my prized horseshoe crab that you didn’t take that opportunity, you sad sack. Well you better get to work, son.” *FUCK!*

4) Prepare for disappointment
“There will be times when you will be working hard and nobody will appreciate what you’ve done. But you gotta keep at it, because someone has to put pickles on the table for the family”

5) Keep your mind open to alternatives
*HUUUUURGH* “Sometimes, things just aren’t going to work out. You have to learn to let things go and try something else” *FUCK!* *DICK!* *ASS!*

Fraternities Promoting Sexual Violence Awareness Still Require Ratio

BY Walter Cronkite Jr
Greek Life Insider

NEW BRUNSWICK — Not seeing the explicit irony, fraternities at Rutgers continue to advocate for the prevention of sexual violence while forcing all male, non-guest list partygoers to have ratio.

“Hey bro, I only see three girls and one of you,” Beta Rho Omega brother Arnie van Jaaran reportedly said, whose fraternity was enforcing a 6-to-1 female-to-male ratio Friday. “I can’t let you in unless you got more girls, yo. But while I have you here, would you care to make a donation to RAINN, the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization?”

This is not an isolated incident, as reportedly every fraternity that is not guest-list only continues to use ratio at parties year after year. The reported minimum ratio is 4-to-1 at Tau Iota Tau, yet the reported minimum amount of service hours per brother at Rutgers is 10 a semester, though the message and actions do not seem to resonate.

ratio
RAINN IS LUCKY TO HAVE ARNIE Hey man equality is just the right thing to do

“Yeah we do a lot of work with The Office for Violence Prevention and Victim Assistance, which provides an amazing service on campus that I really recommend people use,” said Sam Young, president of Alpha Sigma Sigma. “At the same time, though, we can’t be throwing sausagefests every weekend. Frankly, girls should see it as a compliment. They’re desirable. As a reward, guys that pull get to party, and girls are given free drinks and get to swat away unwanted advances.”

When asked about the apparent hypocrisy, Young did not see it.

“Nah we have inter-fraternal meetings all the time, and we always congratulate each other on the positive impact we have on the culture of sexual violence prevention on this campus.”

The office of Fraternity & Sorority Affairs did not make an official comment on the issue, but did note fraternity contributions to the cause, both monetarily and through volunteer hours.

When asked, most independent students on campus were indifferent on the issue.
“It’s whatever,” said senior Jessica Hernandez. “I go to the bars now.”

NHL Adds Clay Aiken to Banned Substances

BY Throb Lowe
Wants It That Way

NEW YORK— The National Hockey League announced that they will be adding music by Clay Aiken to their list of banned substances.

Commissioner Gary Bettman told reporters in a conference on Monday that “The National Hockey League is an institution with a storied history. To protect the legacy and the future of the sport of hockey, we will be adding music by Clay Aiken to our list of banned substances.” Bettman continued to say that the amendment will become effective after the post-season has ended.

Research from a third-party group of analysts shows that players who test positive for Clay Aiken are on average less productive on the ice, and more prone to injury. To test whether a play has been listening to Clay Aiken’s music, doctors will softly play the song “Invisible” in the background of the waiting room. If a player quietly hums the chorus or taps along to the beat, doctors mark them as positive.

Columbus Blue Jackets head coach John Tortorella told reporters, “I think the ban is good. I know damn well that my players don’t listen to Clay Aiken. We don’t need guys out on the ice underperforming because they’re daydreaming about his soft eyes.”

Repercussions for a positive test are severe. The first time a player violates the new amendment they will suspended indefinitely for 20 games. The second time a player is caught listening to Clay Aiken they will be suspended for the rest of the season.

While harsh, the rule is justified according to Penguins star Sidney Crosby. “When I broke my jaw back in 2013 it was totally preventable. I’ll admit it, I was singing along to Clay in my head when I got hurt. If I had been paying attention I would have been fine. I’m on board with the new rule, since it’ll help protect the younger guys coming into the league.”