Grown Men Are Finally Getting Sexually Educated

BY Linda Albert

Ever since this whole sexual harassment scandal started to unfold with Bill O’Reilly, Harvey Weinstein, Louis C.K., Kevin Spacey, Brett Ratner, George Takei, Roy Moore etc., I’ve noticed some odd behavior in the office. It all started with Paul from accounting bringing in donuts every day for the past week and offering them to the ladies of the office and Kyle before anyone else. Then there was George from marketing who complimented my blouse and then quickly muttered, “I mean, only in a professional way, I like the color, nothing else.” And then there’s Dennis in sales who accidentally bumped into me as we were leaving the elevator and started profusely apologizing for touching me, claiming, “It was a complete accident. I’ve never wanted to touch your body. Not even that time at the company picnic.”

It’s as if they’re all on the defensive, afraid that any past action can and will be used against them, and it will. I kind of pity the way they shudder, tiptoeing around the office, cautious of every decision and comment they make. But it’s about freakin’ time. I’m tired of them thinking it’s okay to comment about screwing the secretary or have a literal dick-measuring contest in the break room. They need to learn to behave as professional adults and they should be afraid that at any moment they could lose their jobs for being perverted assholes. And Gary, if at the next board meeting if I catch you staring at me while you have your hand down your pants, you know damn well I’ll report you. I am now empowered and will take down anyone that tries to go down on me.

University Voices: What Rutgers Course Best Describes You?

There Should Be More Sundays in the Week

BY Bradley Pepperdine

There’s something brusk and terrorizing about the realization that a new week is coming. As the sun sets on Saturday night, sensations of anxiety press relentlessly against my soul until the dawn of every Sunday morning.

Then the agonizing reality that the next day brings a weeks worth of monotonous tasks, shakes my inner core with a feeling of dread that makes me feel the most alive. And that feeling should definitely not be limited to only 24 hours a week. I propose that we add at least one more Sunday to the days of the week, particularly after Monday and before Tuesday. If there were two Sundays, there would be two times the opportunity to be hung over the metaphorical precipice, double the heartwrenching inquietude that envelops me, and in a sense comforts me.

I JUST DON’T THINK MY BROTHER IS THAT INTO IT

BY Ron Danwith

I love all of my brothers in the House of Daelik; I trust those men and women with my life. Whether I need help writing out manuscripts in blood for the new brothers, or just need someone to talk to, I know I can trust them. However, I’m just not sure how devoted Danny is into the House.

Sure, he went through with the blood oath to get initiated into the House, but what else has he really done? He’s been suspiciously absent from the past two moonlight elk sacrifices, and no one ever misses those. They’re the one night a month we really get to just lay back and cozy up to the fire that is a full grown elk being burned alive. There really is nothing more soothing than the cry of an innocent creature unsure of why it has been chosen to receive such holy damnation, and he just bails on that? It’s a little suspicious, to say the least.

To be honest, he’s only really shown up for daily prayers and rituals twice this month. I understand that for some people, they can’t devote all of their time to the House. People have jobs and other commitments; I can empathize that. But when you drank the blood of our members, and scorched your scalp with the name of our God, you really made a commitment to our brothers to be involved in the House, and it’s kinda messed up to just go back on that. I don’t know, maybe I’ll just leave a gutted goat on his lawn to see how he’s doing.

I Am Very Indecisive

BY Landen Neftali

I have no opinions at all. Not a single one. I am your worst friend for that exact reason. Not because I’m unloyal or untrustworthy, but because when you say to me, “Hey Landen, do you want to get some food tonight?” I’ll shrug. I won’t give you a definite answer, because honestly, I don’t know if I want to get food or not. Am I hungry? Maybe, it’s possible but I just don’t really know.

Let’s make it easier though, you convinced me that I do want food, my body is hungry. Please, come to me with a bunch of different places to order from. Sanctuary, RU Hungry, PJs, hell, throw Papa Johns in there too. Ask me if I want any of them, go ahead, do it. And guess what I already know the answer. I’m going to shrug again, and say I don’t know, let’s just get some food, maybe.

You might call me out on my neutrality, you’ll get annoyed and say to me, “Damn Landen, you honestly have no opinions one way or the other.” And guess what? I might agree with you when you say that, but at the same time I might not. I’ll probably just shrug at you and say meh. It’s possible you’re right, I don’t really know.

I’m awful for planning things because I’ll never give you an answer that results in a decision. Instead I’ll just shrug and say, maybe.

Hopefully someone else in our friend group is a decisive person because otherwise we will spend all day and all night never coming up with anything to do, because if it’s left up to me, we’re going to shrug until we die.

OPINION: Manatee Hunting Needs to be Legalized

BY James Mullen

It has officially been one year since manatees were lifted from the endangered species list. I strongly believe that we should be opening a hunting season to curb this population explosion. 39 years of protection under the Florida Manatee Sanctuary Act combined with strict environmental regulations have allowed the manatee population to recover to an unacceptable level. These aquatic mammals offer little to Florida’s natural ecosystems. All they do is take up space and get hit by boats.

Manatees pose a direct threat to boaters who wish to cruise at full throttle in shallow water. Their large, fleshy bodies regularly wreak havoc on boat propellers. This damage is not only expensive, but dangerous. Boaters stranded with a broken propeller could be left waiting for help up to several hours, where they risk mild dehydration and moderate sunburns. There’s no reason that humans should be subject to these unnecessary dangers just to preserve possible one of the world’s most vile species.

In addition to being an immediate threat to boaters, manatees are a visual nightmare. They are fat and gray. Manatees are also known to some as sea cows, which is a disservice to cows. We slaughter cows by the millions every year, and cows are useful. They provide milk, beef, and leather for us. Manatees, as stated before, do nothing except lumber about and get hit by boats. So why aren’t we killing them?

I propose that we open a hunting season for manatees. It could be open from January 1st to December 31st each year, with no limit on the number of manatees that an individual can kill. In addition to the limit free season, we shouldn’t regulate how the manatees are hunted. Removing no wake zones would allow for boaters to plow through shallow water at maximum speed if they so choose, destroying any sea cows in the way. This would also allow for quicker, more efficient aquatic transportation, which would be good for the economy.

Within a few years, hopefully we can get manatees back onto the endangered species list, where they belong. Who knows, maybe we could even eradicate them altogether!

Why I Would Never Fuck Ludgwig van Beethoven

BY Alyssa Carpenter

I am a firm believer of equal opportunities for all, treating everyone with love and understanding and giving everyone the chance to experience the finest things in life. One of the greatest joys of life is sexual intercourse, and I believe no matter who you are, you should be allowed to perform consensual actions on whomever you please. But at the same time, there is no fucking way I would ever try to fuck the great composer Ludwig Van Beethoven. I’m not saying disabled people are any less human than fully abled people; it is not that at all, but that doesn’t mean I would let his musical genius penis inside of me. No. Way.

Yes I get it, he composed the great Für Elise, but the bastard can’t fucking hear! That’s not a terrible thing, but I for one cannot fuck under those conditions. If I ever met Beethoven I would love to discuss with him the different movements of Piano Sonata No. 14, how he was able to compose such beauty and mystique, but if we were naked rubbing up against each other in a sensual way, with him sucking on my erect nipples hard, pulling my hair so I could kiss his neck, it would just not be an enjoyable experience, all because he had to go and lose his hearing.

I wouldn’t be able to scream out in ecstasy: “Yeah shove that tongue in me you nasty German cunt.” I mean I could, but Ludvig Van Beethoven would just stop and ask “What?” Talk about a mood killer. All because his ear drums don’t work properly. You tell me someone who could fuck under those conditions. Nor could I cry out: “Rail my pink asshole with your thumb Ludwig,” because all he would do is keep railing my pink asshole. Sometimes I want some eye contact, but I wouldn’t be getting that from him.

I’m not a bad person, I’m fairly reasonable. But Goddamnit if I was shrieking, “Come on pound me harder you great composing fucker, fucking give it to me” and he had to stop and write in his little pussy book: “What did you just say babe?” Well, I think I would just have to get dressed and go grab an herbal tea or something because I would be fucking livid. I have needs and I need the person fucking me to take requests at a moments notice, and Beethoven would fail me every fucking time. It would be like fucking a blind person and them not being able to find my clit and instead they start eating out my belly-button. Holy shit I’d punch the asshole in the fucking jaw. Maybe I am being a little extreme, but then again I don’t think so. I’m trying to cum and I’m not about to wait around for Beethoven to get his shit together.

I’m not saying if he were alive I would hate Ludwig Van Beethoven. Oh God, I could never hate him. His beautiful flowing white hair, his sense of style, his amazing collars he would wear which make his chin pop. Damnit he’s hot and also one of the greatest composers of all time. But would I actively seek out a relationship to explore all of my kinky fantasies with him? Fuck no.