RUPD Fucking Pumped When Crime Alert is Exciting

BY Arnold Palms
“Give Head” Reporter

PISCATAWAY- Police responded to a call concerning a dispute in the Livingston parking lot. While most of the police force is used to responding to calls concerning some dumb freshman getting locked out of their dorm, they were pleasantly surprised when they found out there was an actual fight.

“I told my guys, ‘Hey this is probably just some idiot kid in a towel locked out of the Quads as a prank no need to get in any gear’ and then all of the sudden we get there and there’s a guy with a machete!” said the chief of police.

Reports say that when the police got there they were so excited by having some actual action on Livingston that they waited a few minutes to see what would happen.

“We called everyone on the force. It was fucking awesome” said officer Ken McDermont.
According to witnesses the dispute involved a man with a machete confronting a man with a gun. Witnesses indicated they saw police arrive at the scene and then saw them congregate in a corner discussing quietly and pulling money out of their pockets.

“My money was on the machete man 100%. I mean a fucking machete?! You gotta be pretty fucking wild to pull that out” said officer Fred Greggs.

Officers reportedly watched the dispute like dads watch The Jets, until a gun was fired in an unknown direction.

“I mean half of me was like ‘fuck yes! This is so fucking awesome!’ and the other half of me was like ‘fuck you dude!’ I had money on the machete man and he just lost me $50” said McDermont. “But I mean all in all, it was a pretty lit day”.

The men were successfully apprehended following the incident but not before RUPD had a chance to take selfies with the only men to ever give them any action on Livingston.

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