Tag Archives: sports

Watching Paint Dry About to Give Baseball a Run for its Money

By Lou Skunt
Porn Director

America’s pastime? More like it’s America’s paint time! As the 2018 MLB season comes to an opening, ratings this year are expected to be
absolutely abysmal and their lowest ever in the history of the game since TV was in- vented. Americans, finally realizing just how boring baseball is, have finally decided to revoke the games apple pie comparison status and watch something more exciting.

The new sport, that’s creeping up and threatening baseball’s classic status is none other than the classic watching paint dry. Usually used as a comparison example of a boring and mundane activity, watching paint dry in recent years has become quite the extreme sport.

The game consists of a person painting something, anything from a professional painter doing his job to a Trump supporter painting
black face to make it show that Trump has black supporters, is fair game in the competition. Then the painter must sit and watch in silence as his work dries up. Despite the initial impressions, this
game is not for the weak and as a fan and spectator, can actually get quite exciting.

Many participants have done stuff like fall asleep for days and even shit their pants just from the intense maddening activity from staring at paint all day. In more extreme cases, many have also gone mentally insane from and had to be institutionalized in a paint factory. Fans don’t have it any easier. Die hard fans of watching paint dry have reported getting “second-hand effects. This is when the fan ends up with the same effects as the players after watching paint non-stop for hours on end.

New TV contracts for this game have already started and Sherwin-Williams stock is expected to peak once the new paint drying season takes full effect. The paint drying season will be directly competing with baseball season and is expected to bring in 10X more excited fans in every game than in baseball.

Move over baseball, there’s a new sport in town that’s actually exciting and won’t totally possibly kill you of boredom. Let’s be real here, no one really watches baseball for the excitement of the game, soccer is more exciting.

New College Studies Show Theater Most Popular Major Amongst Soccer Players

By Ivan Yakinoff
Outsourced Staff Writer

After a year long study into the majors of hundreds of thousands of NCAA student athletes, new research has revealed that the overwhelming majority of soccer players in college are also theater majors. The combination of soccer players and theater was an even bigger and more popular combination than football and communications.

This new reveal pretty much shocked absolutely no one. Both soccer fans and the researchers alike were actually
surpised the numbers weren’t
higher.

“Baseball has steroids, sumo wrestling has a shit ton of food, and basketball has people who won the genetic lottery, but in order to well in soccer, you better be able to put on an Oscar worthy fake injury show at any given moment. Players like Messi and Ronaldo didn’t just become great just on pure skills and talent alone.” said
fellow Rutgers student and big soccer fan Tomas Lopez.

As the studies were realeased to the public, many have started wondering whether soccer players who finish their theater degrees have a significant adavantage over those who don’t and possibly deserve a lifetime ban.

“The use of complex theatrical skills in the soccer field is key to becoming a great football player. Unfortunely, not everyone is a big enough show off to go to college and play both soccer and school
at the same time. We get that you can be an actor and play soccer. But damn just make it more fair for the rest of us who weren’t so damn advantaged.” said high school and soccer academy dropout Michael Coney.

Meanwhile, colleges across the county with stuggling theater programs are sending recuriters to South America and Europe as a last ditch attempt to save their asses from fading into obscurity.

Americans Upset There Won’t be Miracle on Ice Part 2 This Olympics

By Ivan Yakinoff
Sleepless

PYEONGCHANG— As the 2018 Winter Olympics come to a close in their final week, Americans are visibly distraught at the fact that Russia is not at this year’s Olympics. As many already know, the entire Russian team was banned from the Winter Olympics this
year due to a massive state sponsored doping program that would make Jose Canseco jealous. Many of Russia’s biggest Olympic rivals such as sobriety and wild bears rejoiced at this news but Americans took it personally because they still won’t get the sequel to the original Miracle on Ice.

The original, which occurred at the height of the Cold War in 1980, made Americans care about hockey for the first time in their nation’s history. The event gave us both the greatest moment in American sports history as well as a kick ass movie.

Seeing the modern political tension with Putin and Russia, many Americans believed this would be the perfect time for the miracle to happen again.

“Miracle was an amazing movie. I’ve been waiting ages for a sequel, but noooo, Russia just had take athletic advice from Lance Armstrong” said local movie critic Roger Baker.

Although the Russian Olympic team is just disguised as the OAR team, Americans won’t accept that because it wouldn’t give the sequel a genuine feel. With the great new Black Panther movie coming out, this adds an extra layer of sadness for hockey fans because they won’t have a new white accomplishment to trump black people this year.

This disappointment wasn’t just exclusive to America either. Many of Russia’s biggest sponsors, such as Adidas tracksuits and HD car dash cams are reporting record losses due to Russia’s ban.

This year was the 1 in every 4 that makes Americans acknowledge hockey exists. But in typical American fashion, No one knew we lost to the make-up Russian team 4-0 already.

Stephen A Smith to Campaign for 2020 Presidency Just so he can Run his Mouth

By Ivan Yakinoff
Prefers Undisputed

BRISTOL, CN—As Black History Month is halfway complete, Stephen A. Smith, the furious outspoken host of ESPN’s First Take and as well as the main expert on all black athlete’s issues, has announced that will be running as a Democratic nominee for the 2020 Presidential elections.

Smith made the sudden announcement on the show while yelling at the top of his lungs. While he and Max Kellerman were talking about wether the black athletes who compete in the Winter Olympics were blacker than Russell Wilson, Smith, just feeling touched by the seriousness of the topic, announced that he will be leaving First Take to engage in more serious conversations.

Although he left the crowd stunned in silence and just wondering what these serious conversations were, in classic ear bleeding Stephen A. Smith style, he announced his plans to run for president.

While many believe his decision to run for president is so he can fight for the issues facing minorities today, many sources close to him say his real reason is to just give have another outlet to run his mouth. “If Stephen tells you his decision to run was based out of fighting injustice, it’s truly just a load of bullshit. He really doesn’t care about that. His mouth is just an attention whore and he just wants to run it more on national TV.” said an anonymous friend of his.

“Stephen’s mouth has a mind of his own. Ever since Skip Bayless left, it’s fallen into a wormhole of depression and it’s believed that the only cure is a diarrhea of the mouth death fight with Donald Trump.” said Momma Smith.

When confronted, Stephen went on a big rant and denied everything. Listening to him rambling on for a hour straight, though we tried our best, the Medium could not get any quotes from him as we all went deaf listening to him. We’ll get back to you after our ENT visit.

Gatorade to Introduce New Multipurpose Urinal Buckets for Super Bowl

By Ivan Yakinoff
Procrasturbating

MINNEAPOLIS— As our country’s greatest unofficial national holiday approaches, Gatorade is set to introduce a new revolutionary product that will change urinating in public forever. Realizing the problem that arises when football players have to take a leak during the biggest game of the season, Gatorade will be revealing new on field buckets that can be used for fulfilling your thirst as well as taking a leak.

The buckets will have 2 compartments, one for the juice and the other for the pee. Instead of having to wait and hold it in, wait for halftime or the game to finish, players can now go straight to the sideline and relieve themselves on the spot.

The news of these buckets has been met with nothing but absolute praise from the NFL. “After all this time, I can finally become a big boy and take off my adult diapers!” said Lane Johnson, Eagles offensive tackle who claims he kept wetting his bed even after he got drafted.

While these new buckets will help players from missing important game time, most of the concerns about the product are coming from sheltering soccer moms who don’t wan’t grown men urinating in plain
sight where their children can see.

“I didn’t pay thousands of dollars for my kids to possibly see a grown man whip it out and take a piss. This game, corrupting the minds of our young ones can go straight to hell!” said Martha O’Reilly, who mainly spends her time complaining to retail and fast food managers.

While Gatorade and the NFL have insisted that these buckets will be controlled and won’t be accidently dumped on the winning coach, Vegas is making sure to cover all the bases. Along with the usual colors gamblers can bet on for the Gatorade shower like red, orange, green, and blue, bookies will be offering a new pee color for this year. Gamblers have took notice and are now hoping Bill Belichick or Doug Pederson will get the greatest golden shower of their life.

English Soccer Hooligans Ecstatic over new Fight Club

By Ivan Yakinoff
In Refractory Period

LONDON— In order to curb the ever growing problem of soccer hooliganism, the English Premier League have announced that starting in the 2018 season, hooligans will have their own EPL
sponsored fight clubs outside every stadium.

The clubs will feature steel cages with various blunt objects and weapons inside for all the fighters to use. Fights will take place before and after every match and there will even be a full Vegas style betting system in place. “The fight clubs are a huge step in the right  direction. These hooligans pose a serious threat us normal fans and our children. By giving them a place away from us where they can take out their violent drunken urges and beat the living shit out of each other, we will make the environment safer.” says Richard Scudamore, the executive chairman of the EPL.

Upon hearing this news, the actual hooligans took to the streets in celebration. Flipping over cars, randomly tossing firecrackers, and
causing nonstop mayhem, the hooligans just couldn’t hold in their joy. “Mate, as soon as I heard the news, I buttchugged several pints of Boddington’s and then proceeded to throw punches against every person that walked past me. I’m pretty sure I left one of those blokes paralyzed.” said Daniel Reynolds, lifelong Arsenal fan from Kingston.

Rutgers Convicts Lead Prison Football Team to State Championship Game

By Ivan Yakinoff
Jetlagged

NEWARK— Three years after ruining their college careers for committing armed robbery and assault, the six former Rutgers football players who were charged now have found new glory as stars of the Northern State Prison football team in Newark. After consistently finishing last in the state prison football rankings, Northern State was grateful that their latest prisoner recruits were actual football players. Finishing 14-2 and ranked as the number one
seed for the 2018 state league playoffs, Northern State will now play East Jersey State in the annual NJ Prison State Championship Game.

“They didn’t go to Rutgers to play school, but they sure as hell came to prison to play football” said Gregory Schianson, the current Northern State head coach. When asked how his team found so much success from using criminals from such a horrible football school, Schianson explained it was all in the play calling. “I just tell my players to pretend that the football is actually a bar of soap. It adds to the challenge and makes you work harder to catch and keep control the ball. Just like how you wouldn’t want to drop the soap, you wouldn’t want to drop the football either.

The team’s success wasn’t without hiccups along the way. During week 10, wide receiver and kick returner Tim Johnson was indefinitely suspended when it was revealed that he received impermissible benefits when a fellow inmate smuggled him loose Newport cigarettes. “Johnson was receiving contraband Newports even though our prison has a strict contract with Marlboro Reds. This is such a horrible crime and Johnson will have a hearing date over this
matter!” said prison director Christopher Ashworth.

As Northern State prepares for the final, they have high hopes they can reach the National Championship as well. But the prison football experts are not giving them any chance against powerhouses such as San Quentin and Leavenworth.