BY Grind All
Not Your Bitch
EAST COAST—Anticipating on spending its Christopher Columbus day weekend destroying the East Coast, Hurricane Matthew apparently changed its plans on Sunday night. Sources say while it was passing through South Carolina it saw the second Presidential Debate and suddenly turned around.
“It was like nothing we had ever seen before,” said one weatherman. “All of the sudden the storm seemed to be going in reverse as fast as possible, like it was running away from something.”
Sources close to Matthew say it has been planning this storm for quite some time. The storm was supposed to be the worst to hit America since Katrina and was supposed to make to whole east coast feel the wrath of a badass hurricane.
When Matthew was reached for comment, the storm said, “I was aiming to make it all the way up to New England but while I was in South Carolina I happened to look in on the couple of people who still had power and saw the debate,” said the storm. “Oh my god, it was fucking terrible!”
When asked to elaborate it said, “I mean you guys got enough problems I’m just gonna see myself out now” before turning around and heading back towards the Caribbean Islands claiming they could “take it.”
BY Raul Walker
In the raging tire fire that is the 2016 Presidential Election, a shocking revelation came after the announcement of the Vice Presidential Debate. On the periphery of the fire, the two Vice Presidential candidates found themselves to be indiscernible in the eyes of the voters. A codependent poll has shown that a shocking 2 percent of Americans can accurately match the correct Vice Presidential nominee to their Presidential counterpart. The rest of the public has been left in a frenzy trying to determine who to label as a “racist fanatical bigot” and who is the “baby eating traitor to freedom”. Confusion has only compounded as photos of the two sub-candidates began circulating in preparation for their debate. “The overwhelming whiteness of the two really makes them hard to tell apart.” said six year sophomore Martin Straighte. “It’s like you try to look at Kaine’s face and all you see is Trump’s orange glow, you look at Pence’s face and all you see is the red blood of the innocent Americans Hillary let die.”
Both Kaine and Pence have commented on this issue and confessed that they have been having the same issue. “After the debate, I actually went onto Trump’s bus by mistake” recalled Senator Tim Kaine, “We went a fourth of the way to Ohio before anyone of us noticed, Pence was there too and we all just let it ride.”
Pence commented that “I thought I was supposed to be with Hillary. I just saw Trump falling all over himself at the debate and struggled to remember ‘Was this the guy who asked me to run with him?’ luckily I ended up being right. However Kaine being on the bus threw me for a loop.”
BY Sue DeNimm
Saw a Cool Bird
At the midpoint of the historical September 26th presidential debate, the world watched in awe as underdog candidate George D’Onofrio won the hearts of moderators and audience members with his incredible performance that sprung him into the lead for the job as President of the United States. Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton was in the middle of answering her proposed question of how she will deal with a possible nuclear threat in North Korea when the power in the microphones went out, and D’Onofrio was at the rescue. For twenty minutes he was on stage working at the podiums, reconfiguring the wires, and looking like he was in control of the whole situation.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said lucky audience member Sally Hornsby, “He was so proficient, so graceful.”
Many watchers seemed skeptical of his ability to run the country better than Clinton or Trump at the beginning, but it was his memorable words that convinced both parties’ supporters to rally behind him.
“We are currently doing everything we can to fix the situation, we appreciate your patience” were the first words he addressed to the nation, and after they were uttered the audience erupted in fervent cheer chanting his name. Once the electricity was back on the debate continued without D’Onofrio, but there was a clear lack of energy in the air without the man. One thing was clear at the end of this debate, this man will surely be the man running our country in 2017.