Tag Archives: Rutgers University

Here’s An Opinion: I’m Drunk

BY Devindevin.png

No no no no no, I got this. You guys don’t know what you’re talking about. No no no no, I’m fine. Really I’m fine, just let me talk. I study this stuff in school. Yeah I got to class, shut the fuck up, Rachel. The media covers this all wrong. It’s all just one big cover up. Yeah I actually believe that. Damn it Rachel just let me fucking talk–wait yo Adam are you going into the kitchen? Can you get me another beer? Hey, no, I was talking. I know I’m drunk but I still know what I’m talking about. As I was saying: this has been a problem throughout history. I mean look at the Civil War. Things don’t change, just you don’t hear people talking about it all the time, that’s why you don’t think it’s a problem, Rachel. Hey. I said I’m fine. It’s just one more beer. Fucking Rachel, am I right? You just don’t get it Rachel. You think all of the world’s problems will go away by just batting your eyes. Well that’s not how it works, Rachel. The media, Rachel. Read between the lines, Rachel. Things are not what they seem to be, just read a textbook. I just learned about all of this. Am I not making sense to you? This is cut and dry. I am drunk. I am not wrong, but yes I am drunk. Hey, no, don’t discriminate. You’re discriminating. That’s discriminating. I’m allowed to drink this beer. It’s all your fault, Rachel. Look at what’s happening here, Rachel. Look at what you’re making me do, Rachel. It’s all a big cover up. I’m out!

Class Too Small to Go Without Acknowledging Professor

BY Dale
Just Wants a Hula Hoop

NEW BRUNSWICK — Just before walking into class, junior Adrianna Canillo was forced to put on a half-smile and wave uninspiringly as she passed her professor of Sports Writing and Reporting, a class of only 25 people.

Canillo arrived to class early and walked by her professor, Allen Roberts, sitting outside class. The two made eye contact, and because the class is so small, were forced to make light of each other’s presence.

“Yeah this is the only reason why large classes are better,” said Canillo, who is majoring in Journalism and Media Studies. “In those classes I can walk by my professors and ignore them without a problem. But in these small classes, I feel so awkward if I do that.”

According to multiple student reports, there is always a moment of hesitancy when seeing professors of small classes outside of the classroom. Students usually first analyze their relationship with the professor, physical distance from the professor and whether or not the professor is interacting with other people.

“I usually try to go on my phone or put my in earbuds,” said Canillo, who is now too deep into her major to take large classes, which would negate this issue. “But in this case, I didn’t have time. He was like right there. I’ve only spoken up in class like three times, so I didn’t know if he recognized me or not. I panicked.”

Canillo apparently felt incredibly uncomfortable during her awkward greeting. Her relationship with the professor is neither too distant to warrant ignoring him, nor close enough to demand a friendly gesture.

“Honestly I wish I just ignored him,” added Canillo. “What was I thinking. Now he’s gonna expect something from me in class. I just sit there and go on my phone and search for internships. This wave is gonna change everything.”

Fraternities Promoting Sexual Violence Awareness Still Require Ratio

BY Walter Cronkite Jr
Greek Life Insider

NEW BRUNSWICK — Not seeing the explicit irony, fraternities at Rutgers continue to advocate for the prevention of sexual violence while forcing all male, non-guest list partygoers to have ratio.

“Hey bro, I only see three girls and one of you,” Beta Rho Omega brother Arnie van Jaaran reportedly said, whose fraternity was enforcing a 6-to-1 female-to-male ratio Friday. “I can’t let you in unless you got more girls, yo. But while I have you here, would you care to make a donation to RAINN, the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization?”

This is not an isolated incident, as reportedly every fraternity that is not guest-list only continues to use ratio at parties year after year. The reported minimum ratio is 4-to-1 at Tau Iota Tau, yet the reported minimum amount of service hours per brother at Rutgers is 10 a semester, though the message and actions do not seem to resonate.

ratio
RAINN IS LUCKY TO HAVE ARNIE Hey man equality is just the right thing to do

“Yeah we do a lot of work with The Office for Violence Prevention and Victim Assistance, which provides an amazing service on campus that I really recommend people use,” said Sam Young, president of Alpha Sigma Sigma. “At the same time, though, we can’t be throwing sausagefests every weekend. Frankly, girls should see it as a compliment. They’re desirable. As a reward, guys that pull get to party, and girls are given free drinks and get to swat away unwanted advances.”

When asked about the apparent hypocrisy, Young did not see it.

“Nah we have inter-fraternal meetings all the time, and we always congratulate each other on the positive impact we have on the culture of sexual violence prevention on this campus.”

The office of Fraternity & Sorority Affairs did not make an official comment on the issue, but did note fraternity contributions to the cause, both monetarily and through volunteer hours.

When asked, most independent students on campus were indifferent on the issue.
“It’s whatever,” said senior Jessica Hernandez. “I go to the bars now.”

FOOTBALL PRACTICE FIELD CONFISCATED UNTIL TEAM BEHAVES itself

BY Maximum Powers
Slowly Losing it

NEW BRUNSWICK — Spring training has gotten off to a rocky start at Rutgers. After a disagreement involving players and coaches got out of hand, management decided to take away the football practice field until the two sides can play nice with each other.

The argument was said to have begun when a player accidently ran into a coach during practice, causing the forty-year-old father to get a sizable bruise on his hip and run crying to management that the incident occurred on purpose. This accusation sparked a heated debate on the event with hurtful slurs like “poopy head” and “butt muncher” were thrown at one another. Seeing the volatile nature of the discord, management at Rutgers told both players and coaches to go their respective rooms and calm down, after seeing little change in the situation after a juice and snack break the heads of the football committee decided to take drastic measures and remove the practice field from Rutgers grounds.

pavedparadise
PAVED PARADISE Workers finish moving the last of the grass to a higher location.

Coach Jim “Jimmy” Cooter told The Medium, “This is such crap! That field is more our field than theirs, we’ve had it for longer. God I wish the school never had these kids join the team.”

The field has been removed from the campus and has been placed up in a higher elevation until the athletic department deems the coaches and players have made up and can be friends again. When asked about the loss of the field many players replied through tears that “It’s not fair. They totally started it by blabbing. We said we were sorry so many times, but they won’t believe us.”

While not making an official comment on the matter, Athletic Director Patrick Hobbs remarked “Jesus Christ, again?” He then took off his jacket, grabbed a six pack, and sat to watch TV while ignoring the screams and cries of the players and coaches.

‘BUTGERS DAY’ ACCIDENTALLY PRINTED ON RUTGERS DAY T-SHIRTS

BY Radio Raheem
Butt Pun Enthusiast

NEW BRUNSWICK— In an unfortunate slip-up, Rutgers Student Involvement accidentally printed “Butgers Day” on every single T-shirt for the massive event this weekend. This is a massive PR nightmare for Rutgers, who will no doubt have to scramble to try to fix this enormous mistake before Saturday.

“We’re well and truly fucked here,” says President Barchi. Ideally, Rutgers would just order new shirts with the correct logo. However, because half of the annual budget was spent on the misprinted shirts, ordering the same amount of shirts again would cut the rest of the budget. There would be no athletics, no theatre performances, scientific research, or money for student clubs.

Butgers
WHATUPGERS Well that’s a giant fucking mistake

A student representative declined to comment on the exact amount that was spent but implied that it was well over $500,000 since they splurged on shirts made of Mexican alpaca hair.

Student Involvement is looking into changing the annual event to Butgers Day to accommodate for the eye-wateringly asinine amount of money they spent on these shirts.

RUTGERS STARTS CULT FOR THE KIDS

BY Grind All
Greek Life Insider

NEW BRUNSWICK—In an effort to finally surpass Penn State in donations for Dance Marathon, RUDM organizers have decided to start the FTK Cult. This decision comes after The Medium produced a scathing article about how Rutgers, in its most successful year ever, could still only raise 10% of what Penn State can raise.

Reports say that the FTK Cult is being advised by cult experts such as the Westboro Baptist Church. The cult will begin picketing in similar fashions as the Church except they will be shaming and protesting people who do not donate to their cause. The hopes are that this aggressive format will motivate others to donate. This type of guerrilla canning will include intense psychological torture to citizens that deny donating. The cult has been instructed to follow home those who deny donating and yell “ASS-HOLE, ASS-HOLE” at them until they finally donate some amount of money. The cult has also said they would use force but what kind of force isn’t clear yet.

DM would also try to persuade members of the cult to meet a minimum of $2,000 in donations. Though there is a requirement now for the charity, it is more of a suggestion that is loosely enforced with the only penalty being inability to participate in the DM weekend. In addition, the cult would shame those who didn’t make the goal by giving them a shot of whatever sickness ailing the child for whom they are fundraising. This would make the participants realize how shitty the sick kids have it and motivate them to get all the money they can.

“We’re really excited about this,” said Dance Marathon spokesperson Matt Janson. “For years, we’ve been behind Penn State but starting a cult where people are forced to make at least $2,000 or else they’ll get some kind of cancer is the perfect way to make sure we make the most money possible.”

The cult is even backed by President Barchi who called the cult and its ruthlessness the “best chance Rutgers to stop being a disgrace.” The cult has even been described as carrying the entirety of Rutgers on their back, a label they are happy to have. Hopefully with the creation of this cult Rutgers will finally bring some pride back to the school and can actually say “Fuck Penn State” for an actual real reason.