NEW BRUNSWICK— Last Thursday a new business opened on Easton Ave named Rent-A-Pet. Their primary business model is to create an establishment that allows impulsive college students to rent a dog or cat for a semester and not have to feel guilty about abandoning their pets when the year is over. The business was started by Rutgers Business School alumni Ben Schaffold, who was tired of seeing the despair caused by the abandoning of these innocent creatures.
“Every time I see an abandoned pup or cat off College Ave my heart just fills with sadness. It’s so difficult for a college student to just bail on these animals. Our studies have shown that students who abandon their pets feel guilty for two to three weeks, and that’s something no student should ever have to go through,” said Schaffold.
So far, the business has been a tremendous success, as they have already rented out its entire stock of pets, as well as have a back-order for 68 more animals.
“I’m so glad I’m gonna get to spend my senior year with Snowball,” said Alexandra Antwani, who named the rented cat after her favorite Hostess snack item. “Cats are great for a school year, and not a day longer. Rent-A-Pet is a real game changer!”
Our lead scientists have gotten great results back from the pets, showing happiness levels matching those of Golden Retriever puppies at suppertime. The business has been considering expanding their supply to include birds, reptiles, fish, and farm animals for those on Cook/Douglass.
BY Sue Denim
Gal That Fucks
NEW BRUNSWICK— After just three weeks into fall classes, Hayden Weiner came to the shocking realization that he is, in fact, be a lesbian. College is a time for discovery: Discovering who your friends are, what your interests are, and what you want to do with your life. For Mr. Weiner, it was discovering that he was actually a lesbian.
“I think I finally caught on to something during my second Gender, Culture, and Representation lecture. The professor was reading a story about a person who was attracted to females and I thought, ‘Hey that sounds a lot like me!’ Then she revealed that this person was a woman and I thought, ‘Oh my god. I’m a lesbian?!’” said Mr. Weiner.
The Rutgers LGBTQA+ community has reached out to Hayden and assured him that he was not the only freshman to undergo this life altering discovery, and that he will be accepted with open arms.
“It’s so strange. My whole life I’ve been attracted to girls and just assumed that meant I was heterosexual. I never even considered that this whole time I liked girls because I was lesbian,” said Mr. Weiner.
Professor Aubrey Hope -Fleming, the professor of that fateful lecture, has approached the Medium, explaining what she thinks the situation is.
“It is very common for students to come to this discovery about themselves in my classroom. I really try to get the students to rethink their view of sexuality. When I show a picture of a busty young broad on the projector to the enjoyment of many of the men in the audience, I want those men to be baffled when they find out that maybe they are actually women attracted to that young lady,” said Hope-Fleming.
The Women and Gender studies department has many resources and scientific papers that link college age men with late onset homosexuality.
“This is life changing for me. How will I ever be allowed in straight bars? Or take that dream vacation to Saudi Arabia?” said Weiner.
After some thought, Mr. Weiner has decided to embrace the change, and has since cut his hair six inches and has started wearing tucked in button down shirts, chinos, and loafers everywhere.
BY Sue Denim
Gal That Fucks
NEW BRUNSWICK — In light of the recent news of the passing of Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, Rutgers University has decided to honor Hefner’s memory with a magazine of naked professors. Hefner died Wednesday night at the age of 91, surrounded by friends and loved ones in his mansion full of models. After hearing this tragic news, Rutgers University board members, including President Robert Barchi, met to discuss how the University should handle the death.
“We were thinking of how we could possibly honor the life of such a distinguished and admirable American leader, and came to the conclusion that the best way to keep his memory alive would be to keep the spirit of Playboy alive. That is why we will now be issuing our own monthly magazine of naked Rutgers professors,” said Barchi in an official University statement.
Rutgers has reached out to many professors to ask for their participation, and the invitations have been met with surprising enthusiasm. “I think it’s just a great way to celebrate the life of such a brilliant man,” said 51-year-old Anthropology professor Julie Russell, while posing nude around the Alexander Library flagpole.
Rutgers has promised payment of $200 to the teachers for each photo used in the magazine.
“As a tenured professor, money can get a little tight, so it’s nice to have an opportunity to make some cash on the side,” said 76-year-old Economics professor Howard Gurgich, while ass bent over his desk in front of flashing cameras.
Rutgers has since been meeting to decide who should run the magazine as editor-in-chief, and have already came to the decision to announce none other than athletic director Pat Hobbs, whom they believe will bring a certain spark to the position.
“I’m very excited to take this project under my belt. I’ve always wanted to do more with the teaching staff here, so I’m happy to get some more intercourse with these professors,” said Hobbs.
Hobbs projects that the magazine will make its money from production back in the first week, and will raise student morale. The magazine, to be called PlayKnight, will also feature peer-reviewed scientific articles, and will issue its first publication in time for Christmas.
BY Porn Stache
NEW BRUNSWICK— As the sun rose on Tuesday the 26th, a protester wearing a Trump 2016 shirt was found perched on top of the newly built Wall of Prejudice outside the College Avenue Student Center. The protester, Randall Armstrong, claims he will not come off the wall until he gets a promise that it won’t be torn down.
When questioned, Mr. Armstrong said, “I put a lot of work into thinking of prejudice to write on this wall, and I will not let these liberals destroy my hard work! My freedom of speech is my most important right! If it offends some snowflakes it’s their own damn fault. I will not let them silence me!”
Some of Armstrong’s fellow club members have also commented on how they were promised a wall and they won’t let the only one they have be destroyed. However, none of them have joined him on the wall, and Armstrong has had little luck in finding people to support his cause. The creators of the wall are debating waiting for him to get hungry or to just tear it down on the intended date.
DEMOCRATIC PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF KOREA — Last night at 10:43 pm EST, North Korea’s foreign minister threatened to declare war on the United States if it doesn’t make ratio at Theta Chai’s party Friday night.
According to the statement, Ri Yong-ho said, “It is Marshal Kim Jong Un’s right to rip sick bong hits and shotgun Millers at Theta Chai’s party. If Rutgers University and President Trump are unable to comply with our supreme leader’s demands, our nation will be forced to declare war on the United States of America.”
The White House still has yet to respond to the statement, but Rutgers University president Robert Barchi ranted on Twitter early this morning at 5:23 am EST. In his tweets that he wrote nearly 30 minutes into Fox News’ “Fox and Friends,” Barchi let loose a string of 8 tweets, including, “Pathetic Rocket Man can’t even make ratio. Just throw fives!!” and “Srat chicks don’t like short losers. And yuo [sic] know what they say about short men..” In his most provocative tweet yet, Barchi urged an attack on Rutgers, threatening, “Kim Jong Dumb doesn’t have the firepower to hit rutgers, try it!! We need a new football team anyway”.
Rutgers students are less than thrilled with both the statements from Ri Yong-ho and Robert Barchi. Tiffany Sankhar, a third-year communications major, said, “I think this whole thing is a mess! If Kim really wanted to get in, he should have just rushed earlier in the year. And Barchi is just an embarrassment. Just the other day, he insulted Rutgers football players for protesting police brutality by kneeling during the entirety of the third quarter. He’s a disgrace.”
Grad student Ben Jordan had another solution. “Wait, doesn’t Kim Jon Un own people? Why is this such a problem for him?”