BY Ivan Yakinov
PISCATAWAY—Adding to the ever growing list of unprofitable sports in college that get subsidized by the football program, beer pong will now be an official sport at over 1,200 colleges and universities across the country. The decision was made last week and was officially announced today by the NCAA President Mark Emmett.
Speaking from NCAA headquarters in Indianapolis, Emmett said, “The extreme effort students go through to make the winning pong shot when they are on the verge of passing out can be compared to the game winning shot Michael Jordan made over Bryon Russell while having the flu in the 1997 NBA Finals. Beer pong players are great athletes and truly are freaks of nature and we feel it’s the right time to exploit that for money.”
In light of this news, a large surge in college applications have baffled university administrators everywhere.
At Rutgers, the admissions website has crashed due to high web traffic, and not another DDOS attack.
The Dean of Admissions at Rutgers and the head of the IT Department, too ashamed to deal with this again, had no comment as they both plan on taking a leave of absence until this whole thing blows over.
Many of the hundreds of thousands of new college applicants have also applied for the full ride beer pong scholarship that will now be offered at all eligible schools.
The competition for these scholarships will be fierce. In order to be eligible for one, a student must have at least three years of drinking prior to college, ability to chug five Natural Lights in a row, and must be able to get through at least six full games of beer pong without blacking out.