Tag Archives: New Jersey

NJ Poll Shows Most People Voted for Phil Murphy Because His Name Doesn’t Sound Like a Detention Camp

Sue De Nim
Proud Demoblican

TRENTON— A recent poll regarding the 2017 gubernatorial election between Democrat Phil Murphy and Republican Kim Guadagno suggests that over ninety percent of voters that chose Murphy did so because his last name didn’t sound like a United States detention camp. The election, which occurred on November 7th, had an incredible turnout of over 60 percent of eligible voters. We asked why each individual chose the particular candidate they did, whether it was their domestic policies, their party affiliation, or really just anything about their political stances. Most people said that they really just didn’t want to vote for “the Guantanamo lady.”

“I went out on Tuesday to vote because I’m a good, upstanding American citizen. That’s why I had to vote for the guy with the whitest sounding name ever conceived,” said Jim Johnson. Other voters shared the same sentiment, which is likely what resulted in the landslide victory for the Democrat. We asked if the decision had anything to do with the controversial behavior of Chris Christie, who helped run Guadagno’s campaign, but this wasn’t even a factor for voters.

“As a Muslim, I just didn’t get a good feeling when I saw her name for the first time on the ballot on Tuesday. I know she probably won’t deport me or inflict horrific torturous activity of that with which is reserved for heinous war criminals on me or my family, but am I really about to take that risk?” said Abdul Jamaal al-Saladin. Half the voters seemed to just pick a name at random, regardless of the gut feeling they get when looking at their names.

“I am confident the good citizens of New Jersey chose to elect me to the office of governor because they believe in my progressive positions and my steadfast economic policies,” said governor elect Murphy. “There is no way I was elected at random.”

But it seems like he was, as not a single person was able to convey even the most basic of either of the two candidates policies, and effectively went to the polls with a blindfold over their precious little eyes. Regardless, Murphy plans to enact his first law into action, which he has appropriately called “Murphy’s Law,” which he has stated saying, “I’ve got a really good feeling about it.”

Student From South Jersey Finds Out Area Was Part of Union

BY Grind All

CHERRY HILL — In a shocking turn of events local South Jersey resident Karen Hall recently found out that South Jersey was in fact part of the Union during the Civil War rather than the confederacy. This revelation came after Hall enrolled in an American History class during her second semester at Rutgers. As the class was wrapping up Hall realized that she had hardly attended class and in order to pass the final she would need to actually open the textbook. But when she sat down this past Monday to finally read about some good old American history she found herself paralyzed by shock when she got to the history of the Civil War section. Right there in writing was the listing of the states that fought for the Confederacy in the 1860s.

“I just sat there re-reading it over and over again!” exclaimed Hall. “Right there it said South Carolina, Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Texas, Virginia, Arkansas, Tennessee, and North Carolina! No mention of Jersey!”

Hall attempted to calm herself down by telling herself that Virginia was close to Jersey so maybe South Jersey was actually a part of Virginia in the 1800s! Unfortunately, to her dismay she turned the page and was greeted with a map that outlined where the Confederacy ended and the Union started, which made it very obvious that South Jersey was a part of the Union.

“I was just so shocked,” she stated. “I mean the Union?! The icky no fun Union that wanted to CRUSH personal rights and take away Southern pride and heritage?!”
Enraged by this and still not totally believing what she saw, Hall stormed to her professor’s office demanding an explanation. The professor had no idea who Hall was and was reportedly concerned that Hall not only had no idea that New Jersey was a part of the Union but that she was upset by it.

“I thought I had some real Southern heritage in me!” cried Hall with a fake southern drawl in a recent phone interview.

According to her roommate, Hall has not left her room since reading the passage insisting she is going through an “identity crisis” citing that even though her family has lived in South Jersey since America’s birth, she does not know who her ancestors are anymore. Hall’s friend Chantel, a black woman, tried to sympathize with her stating she knew none of her ancestors because they were slaves that were not recorded in a censuses but Hall insisted it wasn’t the same and her situation was much worse.

No word on when Hall will exit her room or whether she has even accepted this fact yet.

Man Hesitant to Go Back To Big Spoon After Wild, Accidental Night As Little Spoon

BY Grind All
Related to Kenny G

NEW JERSEY- Local man Dan Bahru recently experienced the heaven that is being the little spoon while cuddling. Reports say that Bahru was sleeping over his girlfriend Cecilia Bank’s house last Saturday when the event took place. Apparently in the middle of night Bahru got up to go to the bathroom. The movement ended up disturbing Banks just slightly enough for her to roll over. When Bahru returned to his normal spot in the bed he found himself in the little spoon position.

“At first I didn’t know what to do,” said Bahru. “Should I flip her over? Should I just go back to my normal position and face back-to-back with her?”

After a couple moments of deliberation Bahru hesitantly slide into bed at the little spoon. Almost immediately Banks reached out her arms in her sleep and pulled Bahru to her chest, completing the little spoon event.

“The first moment of being little spoon was shocking to say the least,” continued Bahru. “All of the sudden I was surrounded with this warmth and sense of security. I almost started crying”.

Bahru reportedly spent the next 30 minutes reveling in the newfound sensation of little spoon all while trying to suppress emotions he has not felt since he was last hugged by his father 10 years ago. He was also apparently silently cursing out his girlfriend for keeping the amazingness of the little spoon a secret for all these years. Had she been awake she would have heard him murmuring “selfish” under his breath before snuggling his back into her stomach further.

This feeling of total bliss did not last forever though. After awaking the next morning to his girlfriend getting ready for the day, the overwhelming realization that he would have to, again, go back to being the big spoon set in.

“I don’t know if I can do it,” he sighed. “I mean after an experience like that? How the hell am I supposed to go back to feeling the cold air of loneliness hitting my back?”

Bahru is reportedly still trying to figure out how to manipulate his girlfriend’s sleeping position each night so that he can go back to being the little spoon without the confrontation with his girlfriend.

University Professor Taking a Big Risk Wearing Those Fucking Crocs

BY Grind All

NEW BRUNSWICK- This past Friday New Jersey saw some of the best weather it has seen in months. With temperatures reaching the mid 70s, Rutgers saw students and faculty breaking out their summer wardrobe. In particular, biology professor Martha Moore was seen sporting a pair of bright orange crocs. This bold choice rocked Busch Campus, causing outcries of “what are those” to erupt during class as well as general shock amongst colleagues of Moore. crocks.png

“I knew Martha had a wild side to her but I didn’t know it was like this!” exclaimed fellow biologist Carla Mooney.

Upon revealing her crocs, rumors began to spread that Moore wears her crocs without socks, but only on Saturday nights when she’s feeling “frisky and free.”

Student reports say they never expected Moore to be like this.

“Yesterday she was just my biology professor who was really bad at grading papers on time,” said student Kelly Shah. “Now she’s a bad ass who says ‘fuck you’ to the rules.”

Since Friday temperatures have dropped again causing Moore to put away the crocs and go back to her basic sketchers. Moore could not be reached for comment but Rutgers is surely on the edge of their seats waiting to see what this innovator does next.

Rutgers “Totally Fine” With Throwing It’s Own Birthday Party

BY Grind All
Explora Reporta

NEW BRUNSWICK-Rutgers finally decided to celebrate it’s 250th birthday last week by throwing its own party. The university declared it was “totally fine” with throwing its own birthday party.

“Yeah I mean it’s not like I was dropping hints for a whole year or anything,” said the university in a statement to the press last Tuesday. “It’s fine, I guess some schools like Penn State just have better things to do! Whatever!”

WHATEVER, ITS FINE! Rutgers definitely doesn’t mind that it has to throw it’s own party.

The past year has shown Rutgers desperate attempts to get anyone to acknowledge the 250th celebration on November 9th. If you visit the university you cannot turn a corner without seeing the words “250,” “historic,” and “the birthplace.”

“I mean it’s totally fine! TCNJ just wasn’t up for the planning. I’m totally not going to hold a grudge against them or anything,” continued the university before encouraging students to change the classic “Fuck Penn State” chant to “Fuck Penn State and TCNJ.”

When asked about this the university said, “I just I think it’s fair for other schools to know what kind of friendships they’re signing up for.”

There has been no word from the other schools of New Jersey and Pennsylvania on why they ignored the Rutgers birthday. Sources close to the other universities have said the schools didn’t even realize when the birthday was since there was a 365 day non-stop celebration.

NFL Player Get in Trouble for Doing Things

BY Concerned Individual
Usually Concerned

New York—Rashaad Johnson was fined for doing very inappropriate things yesterday morning. The NFL anticipating a lot of blowback from this incident released a statement regarding the issue.

“Rashaad Johnson was immediately fined after his actions came to light. Rashaad knows very well that what he did is deeply prohibited by the rules of the NFL. These rules are put in place so that the image of the league is not tarnished by the actions of it’s players. We hope Rashaad issues an apology stating what he has done was absolutely wrong, insuring the league, and everyone else that it will never happen again.”

We reached out to Rashaad for a statement and he had this to say.

“I am very sorry about my actions recently. The things I have done were of poor and ill judgement and I can firmly say that it will never happen again. I only ask that the league, my teammates, and everyone else I have hurt can find the strength in their hearts to forgive me. Thank you.”

Rashaad seems to be deeply remorseful following his heinous actions of referring to his sandwich as ‘Taylor Ham’.

The public can only hope he learnes his lesson and refers to the sandwich as it’s correct term ‘Pork roll’ from now on.

Kidnapped Alumnus Fails to Raise Interest for Ransom

BY The Bus Kid
Saltier than the Sea

BASKING RIDGE, NJ— Rutgers alumnus Joe Lowe was reported kidnapped last Friday but his rescue is currently marred by a concerning lack of interest in raising his ransom.

The letter tacked to his front door, written in letters cut from tabloid magazines, demands cash in return for Lowe’s life. It seems that Lowe was a randomly chosen target because most would describe him as, “the man who’s just there,” and he was most likely kidnapped for filling the two requirements of breathing and human.

In hopes of raising as much money as possible, the shitty abductors did not limit themselves by setting a ransom and rather left the amount vague. However, this backfired as neighbors and friends did not even bother pooling money for Lowe’s return.

According to the police, the Lowe household has not yet made any attempt to gain the kidnapper’s attention. Wife Jennifer Myers–Lowe lamented, “Yeah… it’s a real shame. We were supposed to go out to Olive Garden that night and he never came back.” ransom.jpg

When asked about her efforts in raising her husband’s ransom, Myers-Lowe answered, “Uh, yeah. I mean of course I would like him back, but money is tight right now and I don’t know how much I can really spare.” She curtly closed the doors on reporters, claiming she felt too distraught to continue while sipping on her margarita.

After several days of waiting for the kidnapper to demand the ransom’s delivery, a finger that has been identified as Lowe’s right pinky was sent to the local police station. A blood-stained note promising more to come with barely legible handwriting accompanied the finger. Upon receiving the appendage, Detective Muller, who had been assigned the case, publicly offered the highest amount yet, $5, and stated, “I just don’t care enough about this bullshit paperwork, let’s just get it done with.”