Hello my children! It’s your favorite post-smoking, doobie-hitting, blunt-rolling, bowl-packing grandma, Gertrude. My grandson Jeff and I were blowing thick clouds the other day and I noticed he was reading something on his phone, so I asked what he was reading. He said he was looking at AMAs, and I asked what that was. He explained what they are and realized that I should do one, given that I’m one of the coolest, hippest (even though I broke my hip recently), chillest grandmas ever. So I thought I’d give it a shot. I’ll tell you a little about me, then feel free to AMA. I’ve been grinding nugs since I was 14. I was the town’s busiest dealer by the time I was 16 and soon dropped out of high school. I was the kingpin of my medium-sized town in New Jersey (not saying which because you better believe I’m still the number one dealer!) One of my producers even named a strain after me, “Gertrude’s Good Shit”. And let me tell you, that shit is good. I still smoke it to this day, alleviating my back pain and getting me high as fuck. I know my practice is illegal but hopefully New Jersey will legalize it soon and I’d be more than happy to open a regulated, taxed dispensary. I’m thinking of calling it “Grandma’s Dope Shop” or maybe “Grandma Gertrude’s Great Ganja”. That’d be great. So anyway, now I’ll leave it to you. What do you want to know about me? Also, check out this picture of me at my birthday last year lighting up a joint that had a blend of Gertrude’s Good Shit and Alaskan Thunder Fuck with the cake’s birthday candles. Dope af right?
Step 1: Turn yourself in to the police for trying to get high, you fucking reefer head.
Step 2: Post bail.
Step 3: Get a lawyer.
Step 4: Let your parents know you’re sorry for being a giant disappointment.
Step 5: Pray for forgiveness in the eyes of whatever deity you choose.
Step 6: Bake your disgraced parents a tray of brownies by buying a box ready to make mix and following the simple instructions on the back.
Step 7: Plead guilty in a court of law for whatever charges you face.
Step 8: Leave behind your partner and infant child to spend 30 years behind bars in the state prison.
Step 9: Probably get shanked and die on your fourth day in for following the advice “first off, hit the biggest guy you see”, idiot.
BY Latin Mama
1. You may already be having these thoughts (who am I to judge)…
2. Is R. Kelly STILL trapped in that closet? And why has no one called Life Alert yet??
3. What are the actual lyrics to “La Macarena”?? (**I’ve recently discovered that it is not in fact “One Bop-a Two Bop-a Three, Macarena” as I have suspected for years…)
4. If I roll a joint with my notes from class, does that count as studying?
5. What about if I use the textbook pages?? Still no???
6. When will Bernie Sanders (a.k.a. God’s Sweet, Luscious Gift to this Earth) reply to all those erotic letters I sent him?? Postage to VT wasn’t cheap, ya know.
7. What are Gushers made out of? (JK, I don’t wanna know…)
8. How many times can I say the word “onomatopoeia” before it sounds like an Italian person saying “I don’t wanna pee-uh”? (TRY IT)
9. What is the standard weekly rate for masturbation nowadays and should I see a doctor?? (**Asking for a friend)
BY White House Intern
-Downloading a widget on my phone that changes Trump to Drumpf every time
-Becoming more politically apathetic
-Working on applying for citizenship to Canada
-Finding a more natural spray tan
-Lobbying for Trump’s impeachment
-Posting long, moving, effective rants to Facebook that are definitely making changes in the world
BY Latin Mama
At this point, we’ve all changed our majors like fifty times, so,
what the hell, what’s one more time?! Take this quiz below to
see what you should change to this time, and pray that you
graduate on time!
1. Did you smoke a lot of weed in high school?
a. Smokin is for amateurs…I was supplying!
b. High school was a smokey blur.
c. I have never touched the devil’s lettuce.
2. War: yay or nay?
a. Make lots (and I mean lots) of love…not war.
b. Fuck yeah!
c. Conflict makes me nervous.
3. Who is your musical soulmate?
a. Phish, Bob Marley…JAH feel?
b. N.W.A., Snoog Dogg…err, I mean, Snoop Lion.
c. Weird Al Yankovic, baby!
Mostly A’s: Philosophy. Dude, this is the one major where you can get high all the time and contemplate the Universe…and get paid for it! This is every Pink Floyd-loving stoner’s dream, so go change your major now, but yeah, totally dude, finish rolling that fattie first!
Mostly B’s: Criminal Justice. You’ve been a delinquent your whole life…so no one better to catch them now but you! You know all the ins-and-outs and will make a great interrogating officer from all of those years sitting through your parents’ living room mock-interrogation sessions.
Mostly C’s: Chemistry. This is mostly likely already your current major, so no need to change. You’re destined to be a painfully-boring 8 a.m. Intro to Chem professor right here at Good ‘Old Rutgers!
BY Jay Omegatron