BY Grind All
NEW YORK- Since the election results on November 9 the country has seen a division between those who believe the electoral college has the exclusive right to decide the election, and those that believe the election should be decided through a popular vote. As Hillary Clinton’s popular vote lead approaches two million, many Americans are calling for a recount. When election officials decided to approach Clinton about the recount they couldn’t locate her. When her husband Bill was asked about her whereabouts he began to give a speech on women’s legs and their ability to “wiggle around.”
Upon further investigation, election officials found Clinton sleeping on the ground in the middle of the Black Woods Forest in the same clothes from her concession speech.
According to police Clinton, in a fit of hysteria, ran into the woods after giving her emotional speech.
In the days following her speech, many oddities were seen around the woods including a ripped pantsuit, broken heels, and a ripped pearl necklace. Visitors also reported seeing a human-like figure in the shadows mumbling lyrics to Mary J. Blige, Jay-Z, and Beyoncé lyrics.
“I thought I was just having whiplash from the election” said hiker Julian Callahan. “At one point I swear right in my ear I heard a woman whisper ‘trumped up economics’ but I thought it was the wind.”
Clinton, previously to being spotted, had refused to come out of the woods declaring “This is real this is me I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be,” a Camp Rock quote that seemed to be oddly relevant to the situation.
“Yup we just found her sleeping on that rock over there,” said police chief Kenneth Rock. “When we woke her up she kept protesting that she was ‘just chilling’ so I’m not sure if she’s coming out or not.”
After some more questioning Clinton was seen running off into the woods again, unclear as to where exactly she was heading.
Police are still unsure of whether she will be leaving the woods anytime soon, so the forest rangers are in talks of making an exhibit out of her.
“It would bring in a fuck ton of money,” confirmed head ranger Paul Barrett.
Reports say the rangers are waiting another week or so to make the final decision on whether they will be opening a Hillary Clinton trainwreck attraction.