Tag Archives: Pokemon

Inclement Weather Due to Legendary Pokemon Battle

By, Ass Ketchup

Gotta Catch ‘em All

Weird and random weather occurrences have been plaguing 2019. From freak snow storms before Thanksgiving break to sixty degree sunshine in the middle of February, the weather sure has been chaotic. Some attribute the heavenly freakshow to Global Warming, with the man-made overheating of the Earth causing major side effects. But we all know how dumb of an idea that is- If Earth is hot, why it snow? In reality, the New Brunswick area has become ravaged by a battle of epic proportions. Legendary Pokemon have surfaced from their long slumber underneath the Earth and now are battling each other to see who is the very best in the Tri-State Area.

Most of the melee was happening in less populated, obscure areas of the region- which is why Douglass is as ravaged as it looks now. But that was not enough, the Legendary Pokemon have now shifted their attention towards the heart of New Brunswick, College Ave Campus. Third Generation Legendaries Groudon, Kyogre, and Rayquaza had an all out Royal Rumble this weekend, leading to intense weather anomalies. Groudon took his place on top of Brower, leaving the outer area to be a  charred by his fire attacks. Kyogre took to the student center, spraying the surrounding area with his water attacks. Rayquaza, the queen bitch she is, just watched from the sky and cackled time to time, which caused random lightning strikes.

Meteorologist and Pokemon trainer, Professor Oak, had this to say: “The battles these legendary Pokemon are taking part in is seriously messing up the ecosystem of this part of the world. Whenever Ho-Oh flies over us, he immediately tears through the sky causing hot summer heat in the middle of the Winter. Articuno has been having a field day this year, just randomly appearing and bringing blizzards with it. We have been trying to predict when the next Pokemon battle or appearance will happen, but it really is up in the air. We have been consulting the Pokemon Wiki in order to find each Pokemon appearance rate and percentages, but it has not done us any good yet.”

Many would be trainers and enthusiast have brought it upon themselves to catch these Pokemon and reign them in before there is even more chaos and destruction. Equipped with their novelty Pokeball and Generation Four distance tracker, these heroic trainers are getting ready to grind in tall grass to get their starter Pokemon ready for the task. Foolish Pokemon Go players have also been enraptured by the prospects of Legendary Pokemon, but thankfully they get blown away each time they ran at the Pokemon with their phones out. To the trainers out there, good luck with your adventure forward, and try not to get pummeled by MewTwo.

Which STD Is Your Best Weapon?

BY Traitorous Gumball

At Rutgers University, we take great pride in our STD rate. In fact, we collect them like trading cards, Pokemon, bellybutton lint, or whatever else people collect. This is because Rutgers has a high crime rate. Therefore, the students need a new way to defend themselves in the face of these unconstitutional laws. Turns out that if you collect STDs in jars, they can be quite useful for defending yourself! Use this guide to see how each STD will help you to stay safe.

Herpes: This is most likely the easiest STD to get. Unfortunately, it is quite wimpy– it’s essentially just mildly annoying. Herpes cannot cause death, infertility, and is linked to nothing significant. However, the stigma is quite great, so herpes can be useful as a deterrent.

Crabs: These are closer to insects than diseases and should thus be avoided, unless you plan to use them as attack or guard pets.

Ghonorrhea: This might be difficult to believe, but many people hope to graduate college, settle down with a loved one, and reproduce. Sounds like hell to me, personally. Anyway, ghonorrhea can cause infertility, making it a particularly effective STD to threaten people into leaving you alone. Most criminals would steer clear of somebody carrying gonorrhea, as engaging them could prevent the existence of future baby criminals, and could lead to an extinction. It’s what happened to the hippies.

Syphilis: This is a particularly fun one to use. Syphilis is best used to attack the mind, rather than the body. That’s because it can cause early-onset dementia. As a child, have you ever wanted to slowly beat a childhood bully until they could no longer remember their name? With Syphilis, you can!

HIV/AIDS: This is it– This is the STD you want. It is incurable, like herpes. It can kill you, like syphilis. It’s even linked to cancer, like hepatitis! The only shortcoming of AIDS is that it can’t cause infertility. The bottom line is, if you want an STD that’s a terrifying jack of all trades, go with HIV. Nobody in their right mind would mess with you.

As you can see, you don’t need guns to be safe. In addition to conventional weapons like knives, squirrels, and chainsaws, you could also save your STDs! Fortunately, obtaining them is not difficult at all at Rutgers. So, stay safe– don’t use condoms.

Increase in Animal Attacks Related to Local Muggings

BY Paulie Sofficer
Campus Police Liaison

pokeNEW BRUNSWICK, NJ— Following a stream of troubling crimes in New Brunswick, a new trend in violent robberies is taking form. Over the weekend, multiple reports came in claiming that a perpetrator robbed his victims with animal assistance. The suspect is a young man, of indeterminate age, wearing blue jeans, a short-sleeved jacket over a black tee, and a red and white baseball cap. He has black hair and a very raspy voice for someone so young.

The robber, henceforth referred to as “Red” was always reported to have approached the victim without company before forcefully pitching a baseball-sized object at the victims. The victims, all Rutgers-affiliated locals, testify that they flinched and when they recovered, a large rodent was at Red’s feet, growling at them. Victims’ defense was lowered!

A victim identified only as “Schoolboy” was then quickly attacked by the large yellow rat before he could flee. Schoolboy was beaten unconscious and claims that the attacker mugged him of P150. The incident took place before midnight Saturday.

A School of Engineering professor identified as “Bug Catcher” told the police that the animal must have been a beaver to have such a large, flat tail. Raising questions to the contrary, Bug Catcher also stated that before he fainted, the animal’s tail shined like a plate of polished iron.

Animal Science faculty Professor Beech could not identify the animal but is excited by the existence of such a novel creature. “I hope we discover what that animal is, if there are more, and how to enslave all animals.”

At press time, the most recent report was from Tuesday morning in Werblin Rec Center’s patio pool. Red showed up standing on what was described as an enormous jellyfish and poisoned a swimmer. He then continued remove the swimmer’s Speedo. Upon discovering no monies inside, he ordered the jellyfish to strangle the swimmer.

The lifeguard on duty witnessed the crime in its entirety. “It was terrible! Some one really should have jumped in and done something. Especially when the tenticles started going inside the swimmer’s butthole…it was so Japanese.”

The unnamed swimmer is currently at St. Peter’s in critical condition being treated for severe poisonous stings on the inner wall of his rectum.

Anyone with information about the mysterious Red should contact RUPD immediately.

Which Starter Should You Choose?

Volume XLVIII Issue X

BY DR. TOSSED SALAD: OPINIONS EDITOR

It’s a new semester, which means that you will be starting another Pokémon game to distract yourself from your problems. Now you just need to decide which starter you will pick. You’re in luck! The Medium has all the advice you need when picking your next starter for: Pokémon FireRed.

mediumbulbaBulbasaur: Yeah I guess Bulbasaur would be a good choice. But then again it is about to be winter. Do plants do well in winter? No not really. They tend to lose all their leaves and go into hibernation when it starts to get cold. So since you’re starting this game in the winter it might not be the best idea. Also his bulb looks like a pussy so do you really want to deal with that?

mediumsquirtle

Squirtle: So maybe you will go with Squirtle? Well think again. Squirtle is a type of turtle and our research is that turtles—mostly tortoises—are actually starting to go extinct. That means that they are not doing well in this world. Also, a tortoise raped my father so I do not trust them one bit!

mediumcharmanderCharmander: So last but not least we have Charmander. He’s fire and fire is power. Man was able to come out of the caves when he discovered fire. And Charizard is also pretty fucking badass. But really let’s break this down: the Earth is 70% water, which means you’re gonna be running into some watery bastards eventually. Water kills fire every single time. We can’t take that chance of Charmander getting hurt. Also, that bastard Gary will just pick Squirtle once you pick Charmander so yeah, no dice.

SO JUST WHICH POKEMON SHOULD YOU GO WITH?

mediumratRattata: So yeah how about you challenge yourself for a change. You’ve beaten this game how many times? And everytime you used a starter so don’t this time! Pick one and release that shit! Release it so all Pokémon know you’re the motherfucking boss. And at level 20 Rattata evolves into Raticate. And this dude who picks up chicks on the bus loves Raticate. So there you go, stop complaining.