By, Ass Ketchup
Gotta Catch ‘em All
Weird and random weather occurrences have been plaguing 2019. From freak snow storms before Thanksgiving break to sixty degree sunshine in the middle of February, the weather sure has been chaotic. Some attribute the heavenly freakshow to Global Warming, with the man-made overheating of the Earth causing major side effects. But we all know how dumb of an idea that is- If Earth is hot, why it snow? In reality, the New Brunswick area has become ravaged by a battle of epic proportions. Legendary Pokemon have surfaced from their long slumber underneath the Earth and now are battling each other to see who is the very best in the Tri-State Area.
Most of the melee was happening in less populated, obscure areas of the region- which is why Douglass is as ravaged as it looks now. But that was not enough, the Legendary Pokemon have now shifted their attention towards the heart of New Brunswick, College Ave Campus. Third Generation Legendaries Groudon, Kyogre, and Rayquaza had an all out Royal Rumble this weekend, leading to intense weather anomalies. Groudon took his place on top of Brower, leaving the outer area to be a charred by his fire attacks. Kyogre took to the student center, spraying the surrounding area with his water attacks. Rayquaza, the queen bitch she is, just watched from the sky and cackled time to time, which caused random lightning strikes.
Meteorologist and Pokemon trainer, Professor Oak, had this to say: “The battles these legendary Pokemon are taking part in is seriously messing up the ecosystem of this part of the world. Whenever Ho-Oh flies over us, he immediately tears through the sky causing hot summer heat in the middle of the Winter. Articuno has been having a field day this year, just randomly appearing and bringing blizzards with it. We have been trying to predict when the next Pokemon battle or appearance will happen, but it really is up in the air. We have been consulting the Pokemon Wiki in order to find each Pokemon appearance rate and percentages, but it has not done us any good yet.”
Many would be trainers and enthusiast have brought it upon themselves to catch these Pokemon and reign them in before there is even more chaos and destruction. Equipped with their novelty Pokeball and Generation Four distance tracker, these heroic trainers are getting ready to grind in tall grass to get their starter Pokemon ready for the task. Foolish Pokemon Go players have also been enraptured by the prospects of Legendary Pokemon, but thankfully they get blown away each time they ran at the Pokemon with their phones out. To the trainers out there, good luck with your adventure forward, and try not to get pummeled by MewTwo.