Tag Archives: NCAA

Admissions Skyrocket as NCAA Recognizes Beer Pong as a Sport

BY Ivan Yakinov

PISCATAWAY—Adding to the ever growing list of unprofitable sports in college that get subsidized by the football program, beer pong will now be an official sport at over 1,200 colleges and universities across the country. The decision was made last week and was officially announced today by the NCAA President Mark Emmett.

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“MORE AMERICAN THAN SYSTEMATIC RACISM” Finding a way to make something as recreational as drinking competitive is a cornerstone in the American persona.

Speaking from NCAA headquarters in Indianapolis, Emmett said, “The extreme effort students go through to make the winning pong shot when they are on the verge of passing out can be compared to the game winning shot Michael Jordan made over Bryon Russell while having the flu in the 1997 NBA Finals. Beer pong players are great athletes and truly are freaks of nature and we feel it’s the right time to exploit that for money.”

In light of this news, a large surge in college applications have baffled university administrators everywhere.

At Rutgers, the admissions website has crashed due to high web traffic, and not another DDOS attack.

The Dean of Admissions at Rutgers and the head of the IT Department, too ashamed to deal with this again, had no comment as they both plan on taking a leave of absence until this whole thing blows over.

Many of the hundreds of thousands of new college applicants have also applied for the full ride beer pong scholarship that will now be offered at all eligible schools.

The competition for these scholarships will be fierce. In order to be eligible for one, a student must have at least three years of drinking prior to college, ability to chug five Natural Lights in a row, and must be able to get through at least six full games of beer pong without blacking out.

Rutgers On Pace to Win Big 10 “Most Improved” Award This Season

PISCATAWAY — The Rutgers Scarlet Knights are on a world-shocking two game win streak, and they’re officially eligible for a special honor.

Each year the Big 10 honors the most improved team in the conference, and this year it’s the Scarlet Knights. The week before last, Rutgers secured their first conference win in nearly two years against the Fighting Illini, who went home hanging their heads in shame.

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AN AWARD SUITED FOR A CAMPUS SO LIBERAL The Scarlet Knights take this year’s Big 10 Most Improved Award

Big 10 commissioner Jim Delany stated in a press conference, “Not only did the Scarlet Knights manage to not get blown out buy double- digits, they actually won a fucking game. The board is so astounded we’re officially nominating Rutgers University for the award for most improved organization.”

A week after Rutgers topped the Purdue Boilermakers at High Point Solutions Stadium by a whopping two points, after nearly blowing the lead after allowing a late game touchdown and a near two-point conversion.

Quarterback Kyle Bolin was overheard telling teammates to “…simmer the fuck down out there. We’re not trying to win a bowl game or anything, so let’s not get expectations up. Let’s feed off this energy and shoot for most improved. Worst case, we still get our participation awards.”

The energy won’t stop here though. Rutgers will face off against the Michigan Wolverines on Saturday, and things are looking not so terrible for the Scarlet Knights.

So long as Rutgers scores at least a field goal, and limits Michigan’s points to 35, they’re almost a lock for most improved this year.

Coach Jim Harbaugh even extended a congratulations to Chris Ash and the entire Rutgers Football organization. “I’m genuinely proud of you guys,” he said, “It’s nice to see a team we absolutely pummel do a little better the next season. I’m just glad I could help make a difference.”

Tune in to the Big Ten Network this weekend to watch the Scarlet Knights try their best.

Coach Ash Warns Fans Not to Get too Excited Following Win

BY Throb Lowe
Store in a Cool, Dry Area

NEW BRUNSWICK—Calling it a dream come true, Rutgers football fans are ecstatic after coming out on the winning side of a 65-0 blowout against Morgan State, but coach Chris Ash is warning fans not to get their hopes up.

The Scarlet Knights put their balls right on the table this past Saturday, recording 322 rushing yards and 152 passing yards. The student section was full for the first time in 13 games.

Sophomore Jimmy Grant said “It was the first time I had ever been shoulder to shoulder with people in there. And practically no one left at halftime. Hopefully we can ride this energy.” But Head Coach Chris Ash warns against just that. “Look, I’m glad everyone’s happy, but I really wouldn’t look too much into it. Morgan State? Who’s even heard of Morgan State?” Reminding fans that the victory had snapped an 11 game losing streak for the knights.

“I really hope people come to the games, but I don’t want them to expect anything special. All I can say is we’ll try not to get spanked out there anymore.”

Senior student Vivian Jean replied to Ash’s statement, saying “[Ash] Just needs to have faith. I think that this one huge victory is setting a tone for the season. And maybe we’ll even get payback on all those teams while we march to the Rose Bowl! Chop!”

Rutgers is set to travel to Nebraska this coming weekend to get their cobs husked in their second Big 10 match up of the season.

Red-shirt senior Jadaveous Smith said “Those Morgan State dudes were soft, but I’m a little worried about playing Nebraska. I bet all those guys do are practice, what else is there to do out there? Honestly, I just hope its not on TV, just in case.”

If you want to tune into the game, Rutgers Athletics will be broadcasting the game at The Yard, so students can ride the emotional rollercoaster together.

Rutgers Lacrosse Player Overdoses on Pussy

BY Throb Lowe
Thicker Than Long

NEW BRUNSWICK— Rutgers freshman lacrosse player Chad Martin was found dead in his dorm room on Sunday morning, and the police are ruling the death as an overdose on pussy.

This marks the fourth death of its kind at the university over the past three years. Teammate and senior Brett Thompson initially found Martin when he didn’t show up to practice. He said “When Chad didn’t show I figured he was too hungover and went to go get him, but when the RA let me into his room I was totally shook.”

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WHEN TRAGEDY FALLS IN YOUR LAP Rutgers freshman found dead with mouthful of clit

Thompson declined to elaborate on the matter, but Stonier Hall resident adviser Jenna Mcintyre said Martin was “found face down in the lap of a girl that lived across the hall.” Both parties were unconscious, and Martin was unresponsive to efforts by paramedics. The university plans to respond to the event strongly, by requiring athletes to take a course in the safety of eating pussy in moderation.

University president Robert Barchi said “The events of this weekend truly have taken a toll on the university. It has become clear to us that there is an issue with the culture of our community, and we will be taking steps to fix that.” The course will consist of a three hour interactive set of videos, where Rutgers athletes will learn how to enjoy pussy responsibly, much like the existing modules for alcohol consumption and sexual situations.

The lacrosse team will be postponing practice for the next two weeks to allow players to process the tragedy. Team captain Mark Jordan said “I believe the team will hurt for a while, but ultimately it will motivate us to win at this sport that gets us super laid, despite low viewership among more popular NCAA Sports.”

Students who feel seriously affected by the events of the weekend can seek counseling at any university student center until further notice.

FOOTBALL PRACTICE FIELD CONFISCATED UNTIL TEAM BEHAVES itself

BY Maximum Powers
Slowly Losing it

NEW BRUNSWICK — Spring training has gotten off to a rocky start at Rutgers. After a disagreement involving players and coaches got out of hand, management decided to take away the football practice field until the two sides can play nice with each other.

The argument was said to have begun when a player accidently ran into a coach during practice, causing the forty-year-old father to get a sizable bruise on his hip and run crying to management that the incident occurred on purpose. This accusation sparked a heated debate on the event with hurtful slurs like “poopy head” and “butt muncher” were thrown at one another. Seeing the volatile nature of the discord, management at Rutgers told both players and coaches to go their respective rooms and calm down, after seeing little change in the situation after a juice and snack break the heads of the football committee decided to take drastic measures and remove the practice field from Rutgers grounds.

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PAVED PARADISE Workers finish moving the last of the grass to a higher location.

Coach Jim “Jimmy” Cooter told The Medium, “This is such crap! That field is more our field than theirs, we’ve had it for longer. God I wish the school never had these kids join the team.”

The field has been removed from the campus and has been placed up in a higher elevation until the athletic department deems the coaches and players have made up and can be friends again. When asked about the loss of the field many players replied through tears that “It’s not fair. They totally started it by blabbing. We said we were sorry so many times, but they won’t believe us.”

While not making an official comment on the matter, Athletic Director Patrick Hobbs remarked “Jesus Christ, again?” He then took off his jacket, grabbed a six pack, and sat to watch TV while ignoring the screams and cries of the players and coaches.

DEVELOPING: UNC championship vacated after receiving impermissible benefits, t-shirts

Stephen A. Smiff
Bad For Sports

PHOENIX—According to many sources, the NCAA ruled that the University of North Carolina will have to vacate all of it’s wins from the 2016-17 season, including Monday night’s championship victory, due to a “gratuitous giveaway of championship t-shirts, hats and confetti, which violates NCAA bylaws governing student compensation.”

Immediately after UNC’s 71-65 victory over Gonzaga, Carolina students were given complementary t-shirts and hats commemorating their victory under a shower of free confetti. According to sources, this commemorative and completely reasonable gift-giving constitutes an impermissible benefit.

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NOT SO FAST… Joel Berry, tournament MOP, thinks he can just walk on out of here with that free hat. Think again, mister.

“We are aware of the situation and are conducting an investigation,” said NCAA President Mark Emmert. “That being said, it is unfortunate that these players who made their university and the NCAA billions of dollars had to accept these gifts. While most of them will never play professional basketball and have suffered lifelong injuries, they should know accepting a free shirt that sells for $30 retail is wrong.”

In 2010, the NCAA and CBS/Turner Sports agreed to a 14 year, $10.8 billion deal to broadcast the tournament. Players do not see any of that money, nor do they earn any portion of merchandise sales, but they are allowed to buy merchandise at any official NCAA retailer.

“Yeah, so I was told they’d take my scholarship away if I kept my t-shirt,” said Tony Bradley, the only freshman for North Carolina who played in the championship game. “I did all this and I can’t get a free shirt? I never go to my ethics class, but I feel like that’s a bit unethical.”

UNC lost in last year’s championship game to Villanova on a buzzer beater, but this year’s redemption was short lived, as the NCAA is reportedly readying to announce the school’s punishment in the coming days.

“So what,” said UNC head coach Roy Williams. “I still get paid.”

Trump Fills Out Uber-White Jai Alai Tournament Bracket Over NCAA Tournament

BY Throb Lowe
Dropped as a Child

WASHINGTON D.C.— Rather than participate in the annual tournament that unites the nation, Trump has elected to make picks in the World Cup of Jai Alai over the NCAA March Madness tournament.

During a White House press conference a confused and sweaty Sean Spicer told the press “more people pay attention to Jai Alai than they do to college basketball. The numbers show that more people attend the World Cup of Jai Alai than they do the NAACP basketball tournament, and that’s a fact.”

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LIVIN’ THE JAI-LIFE Trump taking another break from “running” the country

The World Cup of Jai Alai, hosted at a private estate in Moscow, is set to begin two days after the NCAA basketball tournament ends, giving Trump almost no excuse not to participate. Rather than choosing Duke or Syracuse to win his bracket, the President reportedly chose Jon Denning to win the WCJA.

In a diarrhetic middle-of-the-night stream of tweets Trump informed the people that “Basketball is failing! Jai Alai is a $3.2 billion dollar industry, NCAA has never come close! SAD.”

ESPN analysts didn’t know what to make of Trump’s prediction of an early round fall of Timofy Carcello because not a single analyst knew who that was. In fact, a total of four employees at ESPN knew what Jai Alai was.