Tag Archives: 2016 elections

Hillary Clinton Will Not Come Out of the Woods

BY Grind All
Explora Reporta

NEW YORK- Since the election results on November 9 the country has seen a division between those who believe the electoral college has the exclusive right to decide the election, and those that believe the election should be decided through a popular vote. As Hillary Clinton’s popular vote lead approaches two million, many Americans are calling for a recount. When election officials decided to approach Clinton about the recount they couldn’t locate her. When her husband Bill was asked about her whereabouts he began to give a speech on women’s legs and their ability to “wiggle around.”

Upon further investigation, election officials found Clinton sleeping on the ground in the middle of the Black Woods Forest in the same clothes from her concession speech.

According to police Clinton, in a fit of hysteria, ran into the woods after giving her emotional speech.

In the days following her speech, many oddities were seen around the woods including a ripped pantsuit, broken heels, and a ripped pearl necklace. Visitors also reported seeing a human-like figure in the shadows mumbling lyrics to Mary J. Blige, Jay-Z, and Beyoncé lyrics.

I’M JUST CHILLING Hillary Clinton insists she is fine and just ‘hanging around’ in the woods.

“I thought I was just having whiplash from the election” said hiker Julian Callahan. “At one point I swear right in my ear I heard a woman whisper ‘trumped up economics’ but I thought it was the wind.”

Clinton, previously to being spotted, had refused to come out of the woods declaring “This is real this is me I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be,” a Camp Rock quote that seemed to be oddly relevant to the situation.

“Yup we just found her sleeping on that rock over there,” said police chief Kenneth Rock. “When we woke her up she kept protesting that she was ‘just chilling’ so I’m not sure if she’s coming out or not.”

After some more questioning Clinton was seen running off into the woods again, unclear as to where exactly she was heading.

Police are still unsure of whether she will be leaving the woods anytime soon, so the forest rangers are in talks of making an exhibit out of her.

“It would bring in a fuck ton of money,” confirmed head ranger Paul Barrett.

Reports say the rangers are waiting another week or so to make the final decision on whether they will be opening a Hillary Clinton trainwreck attraction.

Wisconsin Recount Reveals Jeb Bush Landslide Victory

BY Adrian Superfly
Telephone Poll Dancer

WISCONSIN – Green Party candidate Jill Stein requested a recount of the state’s presidential votes following her suspicion of illegal votes sent in by approximately 10,000 carp. However, as the four underplayed employees went over the two million votes they uncovered a miraculous discovery. Located behind the state capitol building sat a dumpster filled to the brim with uncounted votes for former RNC candidate Jeb Bush. Counting at 3.7 million, the previously discarded votes places the lesser known Bush as the winner of Wisconsin’s treasured ten electoral votes.

According to an internal investigation by the FBI, the polling system used by Wisconsin auto trashed any votes that were deemed “joke” votes by common knowledge. With the polling program all votes for fake candidates like Jay Z, Tom Hanks, and Gary Johnson were all immediately disposed of and compiled in the now-famous dumpster. As the program never sought to take number of votes into account, the almost four million Jeb Bush votes were still discarded. As of this report Wisconsin has announced it is taking no steps to change the process of counting their votes, according to one state official “Look at this point… it just doesn’t fucking matter man. Seriously like…fuck.”

HE’S HAPPY “I’m happy” says Jeb Bush

A statement released from the official in Wisconsin maintain their innocence in tampering with the vote claiming “Seriously, how could anyone be serious?”
Jill Stein was overwhelmed by the findings that her investigation uncovered. A staff member of Stein’s oddly persistent campaign told the writers at The Medium “Honestly we were just expecting to catch a few fraudulent votes for Johnson, you know to boost Jill’s self-esteem. We never thought we would reveal the most surprising upset victory since Rocky III.”

Hillary Clinton was unable to be reached for comment, but reportedly could be heard cursing America from the woods she currently resides in (see headline to hear more about this story). President-elect Donald Trump (I literally vomited typing that) refused to comment to reporters, but promised to post a tweet about the issue after a high fiber dinner on Thursday night.

Taking the news in stride, Jeb Bush has announced he will look to move to Wisconsin and seek to win governorship in the state. This unprecedented victory is much needed for Jeb as he reportedly suffered unending verbal abuse this past week during Thanksgiving from his father and brother for not being able to even get nominated for president while his mom sat next to him and whispered sweet nothings such as “You know you’re still my special boy Jeb.”

I’m Coming Out, I Can be Free, Finally!

BY John Wassernachtneo

Finally! I can reveal myself to my family. I have been so ashamed recently, hiding away in a proverbial closet, keeping my own self locked away. I was worried people wouldn’t accept me for who I was, for what I was. But now that Donald Trump has been elected President, I can finally be true to myself and everyone around me. He has validated my identity, I am no longer afraid to hide myself away, to keep my feelings bottled up.

The world is changing, each and every day, more and more of us are able to show ourselves to the world, without having to fear judgement by our peers and by our family. We have to be strong for each other, and I believe that today, by coming out to everyone reading, this, that I can be a positive role model for others in my situation, so here we go.

I. Am. A. Neo-Nazi. And. I. Am. PROUD.

Donald Trump Is an Icon

BY Jordan Bellenderdonaldicon.pngAs a privileged, alt-right, 20 something, cis-male I for one appreciate all that Donald Trump has brought to the culture of America this election season. The concept of being able to call a former US Senator, First Lady, and Secretary of State a “nasty woman” on the national stage is liberating. These were opinions that I would usually have to keep sequestered inside of me, but now thanks to “The Donald” it’s now an acceptable term in everyday parlance. Also we have a new phrase added to the lexicon of locker room talk, “Grab ‘em by the pussy” only The Donald could have written prose of such caliber for the everyday man.

Donald Trump has gone above and beyond the call of duty this election cycle by bringing the level of discussion to an all new level, one where we can bypass the stifling nature of political correctness and start talking about the real issues that Americans face. About all those “bad hombres” on the streets going around raping and murdering kids, and creating damning nicknames of career politicians. In my eyes there is no greater American than the Trumpster.

The white male has been oppressed for far too long, but thanks to the Donald we can now cast off our chains and embrace the freedoms entitled to all Americans. There was Susan B. Anthony, Martin Luther King Jr, and Harvey Milk for all those other people, but now is the time for the champion and demagogue of the white cis-male!

Americans Desperately Try to Find New Diversion Topic for Thanksgiving Now That Election Is Over

BY Grind All
Resident Mom

AMERICA—For the past year, America has been gripped by 2016 presidential election. The election has influenced countless think pieces on The Odyssey and thousands of social media statuses lamenting how terrible this whole election is.

It has also provided a great distraction for those recent college graduates and singles to divert the conversation away from their lack of employment or love life. Since its finale on Tuesday, the nation is completely confounded, aimless on what to complain about next. This seems to be especially important with the national holiday of Thanksgiving coming up.

“Thanksgiving is a time when everyone gets together and asks me when I’m gonna get fucking married,” said Oklahoma resident Harry Ferguson. “I used to be able to just say, ‘Hey what about that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton thing?’ and then all the attention would be off of me.”

Thousands of Americans have been shown to share Ferguson’s sense of distress. A new poll conducted by CNN showed young Americans were seriously inconclusive on how to change the subject from their failing fledgling adult life at impending Thanksgiving gatherings. About 10% of Americans said they were considering going back to the always trusty Black Lives Matter movement or even the legality gay marriage. But a handful of Americans say their family has started to see through this diversion and may need to have something else to distract them.

“They know man,” said Ferguson. “I can’t keep distracting them with Black Lives Matter and other controversial shit.”

The Medium stands in solidarity with all those who will be asked about their lives this holiday season and encourages readership to find distracting conversation topics in next week’s issue.

Jill Stein Attempts Suicide Via Wi-Fi

BY Barbara Not Walters
Sad Brown Chick

SOMEWHERE BAD—After suffering an incredible loss in the presidential election, Green Party candidate Dr. Jill Stein made a drastic decision.

Going strictly against her own beliefs, Stein went ahead and used Wi-Fi in an attempt to end her own life. Throughout her campaign, Stein had been a staunch critic of Wi-Fi use, claiming that the radiation “hurts kids and fries their brains.”

Although her views were controversial and widely refuted by scientists, Stein remained adamant that Wi-Fi radiation is harmful and could lead to death.

Wednesday morning, Stein was found laying beside an open Belkin box with her head atop a router. At the time of discovery, she was three-quarters through downloading the entire series “The Young and the Restless.”

Stein’s campaign manager, Gloria Mattera, was shocked when she discovered what her candidate had done.

“I knew she had been upset by the results of the election, but I didn’t think it was this bad.” Mattera continued, “Obviously we know that Wi-Fi is not harmful to one’s brain, but Jill really believed that shit. So for her to try and end her own life by this method really tells me that she must have been in a very dark place.”

Stein is currently being held in a mandatory 72-hour psychiatric hold in order to determine her current mental state. She has not been allowed access to phones, television, or–of course–the Internet.

Mattera entreated that reporters mention the Stein campaign’s continued fundraising efforts. “Hospital stays don’t come cheap and we can really use help with the bills. Please visit Jill2016.com so we can care for this sick, sick woman.

“It doesn’t make anything easier that her family insists that the applesauce in which her pills be hidden is locally-sourced USDA-certified organic.”

An anonymous nurse at Stein’s hospital has said that since waking, Stein has only uttered one sentence:

“Fucking Gary Fucking Johnson. FUCK!”