BARRON TRUMP HAS CHUCK E. CHEESE BIRTHDAY, COSTS TAXPAYERS $23 MILLION

BY Caillou
Loves Children’s Parties

Last Saturday, President Donald Trump’s son Barron Trump held his annual birthday party at his favorite restaurant Chuck E Cheese. Early this morning, it was released that the modest birthday party for the now 11-year-old son of the president cost tax payers $2.3 million, sources report.

Barron had been looking forward to this party for over six months now, as he was finally granted permission from the First Lady Melania Trump to host his party at CEC. “Yeah, I invited all of my friends, and I’m really excited,” stated a visibly cheery Barron Trump, oblivious to the enormous financial burden his birthday will place on the American public.

“Every year I ask for a Chuck E [Cheese] party, and I’m really happy they finally said ‘yes.’”
An anonymous financial advisor to the White House helped break down the costs of the party for us. “Barron requested the ‘Mega Super Star’ party package. At $26.99 a child, and with 28 children attending, that’s $755.72 right off the bat. Then, two value deals were purchased for the adults, and a salad for the First Lady, which was an additional $77.97. Additionally, cost of secret service protection for the president’s family, as well as protected transportation for all party goers, plus blocking off city traffic within a one mile radius from the party cost the taxpayers approximately $2.29 million.”

Although Barron’s birthday is on March 20, the party was pushed back to Saturday, as it’s a more conventional day to have a party, and would ideally be less of a nuisance for commuters trying to get to work. The party lasted for three hours, averaging a little under $29 thousand dollars a second. Party guest Devin Mullen Jr, 12, said it was either the second or third best party he’s ever gone to.

In a poll conducted on our site, 41% of voters thought the cost was too large, 35% thought Barron deserved the party, and 24% were unsure how they felt.

Barron claimed the party a success, stating he got a new Nintendo Switch, Minecraft merchandise, Nerf guns, a lava lamp, and various gift cards. In total, his gifts are valued at $652, an infinitesimal amount compared to the cost of the party. Barron also managed to take a picture with the Chuck E Cheese mascot, and will soon be displayed in the Smithsonian Institution, as well as the White House.

Things Millennials Are Doing to Cope With Trump as President

BY White House Intern

-Downloading a widget on my phone that changes Trump to Drumpf every time

-Protesting everything

-More weed

-Becoming more politically apathetic

-Working on applying for citizenship to Canada

-Finding a more natural spray tan

-Lobbying for Trump’s impeachment

-Posting long, moving, effective rants to Facebook that are definitely making changes in the world

ISIS Decides to Spare America Claiming It’s Already Fucked

BY Grind All
Does the Shitty Thing

WASHINGTON D.C. – In a leaked video showing a secret meeting between leaders of the radical Islamic terrorist group ISIS, the group declared that they would be leaving America out of their quest for complete destruction of the world.

The video showed leader Saajid Yousif stating that ever since Trump’s election the country has been falling apart all without any influence from the outside world.

“Look at them!” cried Yousif. “They’re a fucking mess. Not only are there protests every goddamned day but they couldn’t even give Beyonce the record of the year at the Grammy’s! That place is going to shit all by itself, we should focus our attention elsewhere.”

“They’re super fucked” ISIS leader Saajid Yousif decides to leave America alone after tumultulous first month of Trump’s presidency

This declaration comes after the first turbulent month of Trump’s presidency. Since taking office Trump has attempted to issue a travel ban on Muslims, start a war with the press, and break ties with important allies. The most recent scandal shows Trump citing a Fox News story during a press conference which falsely claimed that Sweden was under distress from taking in too many immigrants. The statement caused uproar from Swedish government officials who attacked the statements false merits while the rest of the world laughed at the elected American leader for being so, so stupid.

“They are ruining themselves,” continued Yousif. “I mean do they really think that a guy who listens to Fox News is going to lead them to the promise land? I mean we’re pretty radical but we can fucking see how stupid Fox News is- they’re going down with or without us, why exhaust ourselves?”

This video very obviously comes as a shock to most of America.

“How could they not want to fuck us up?!” cried internet chat room user Dikzout4Harambe. “America’s the center of this fucking planet! How could they not care about us?!”

While most American’s reactions have shown to agree with Dikzout4Harambe the rest of the world seems to understand ISIS’s point of view. Tweets from countries such as Ireland, Japan, and Australia show how the rest the world has responded to the news.

“Honestly same ISIS America’s a MESS #beyhive” said a tweet from Irish user @KellyStone which then went viral being retweeted over 2,000 times.

President Trump has yet to formally address the video but sent out a tweet at 3:05 am last night saying “ISIS is just playing hard to get! We will continue to make America great again! And ISIS will be begging to be destroyed by us!”

In Protest of Defunding Planned Parenthood, Beyoncé Aborts Twins

BY Caillou
Resident Daddy

LOS ANGELES — In response to the GOP’s efforts to defund Planned Parenthood, Beyoncé aborted her prenatal twins yesterday afternoon, Beyoncé stated at a press conference this morning.

“America cannot stand idly by while these corrupt, male bureaucrats try to tell women what we can and cannot do with our bodies,” Beyoncé stated. “That is why, in protest of these new bills to defund Planned Parenthood, I aborted my twins yesterday afternoon. Ultimately, this was my own decision, and I encourage all pregnant women in America to follow en suite and abort your babies! Even if you don’t have access to a nearby Planned Parenthood, just grab a friend you can trust, a coat hanger you trust more, and fight back!”

Major backlash against Beyoncé was voiced from many conservatives immediately after the press conference. Outspoken critic of Planned Parenthood and developed fetus Vice President Mike Pence issued a statement saying, “It’s disgraceful that somebody, so many young Americans look up to, has murdered her two beautiful twins in cold blood. How someone such as Beyoncé could rip the heads off their two innocent children, place them on sticks, and march through NYC chanting ‘Death to Toddlers,’ I’ll never understand.”

President Trump has yet to issue an official statement, but tweeted out earlier today, “Disgusting. Beyonce iss [sic] OLD NEws [sic]. SAD!!! [sic] MAGA”

At the same time, many fans of Beyoncé’s have been active in their support. Head of Beyoncé Fan Club and resident morning person Sabina Roco, 17, went on the record stating, “Honestly, Beyoncé is a queen. I fucked 14 guys rawdog since her announcement, just to get pregnant, just so that I can abort the little fucker that tries to steal my nutrients. I posted a service on Craigslist to perform cheap as fuck abortions. I’ve got some Xanax, a coat hanger, some scotch tape, WD-40, sage, and a fake Medical Doctorate.”

Multiple anonymous sources have called in to say that Beyoncé aborted her kids so that she could perform at the Coachella music festival.

Sean Spicer Goes Home To Cry Into Pillow

BY Radio Raheem
Does the Right Thing

WASHINGTON, D.C.—White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer reportedly went home to scream into his pillow today, according to several sources. After a heated press conference where Spicer grilled the media for reporting things he says, Spicer went home to his apartment and spent about 25 minutes tearfully screaming into a single pillow.

After a significant amount of time had passed, Spicer’s muffled screams into his pillow slowed down to a gentle sobbing. “They need to leave me the fuck alone,” cried Spicer, into his pillow, “What did I do to deserve this kind of treatment?”

An exhausted Spicer, after a solid half hour of yelling and crying into his pillow, then fell into a gentle, rage-induced peaceful slumber.

This is no isolated incident, however. The Press Secretary was recently appointed to his new position by President Trump’s administration, and it has been an eventful transition.

During his very first White House press conference, Spicer spent approximately three minutes yelling at reporters for reporting numbers about the size of Trump’s inauguration crowd. After refusing to take any questions, Spicer stomped off the podium, reportedly to pace back and forth heavily with his hands balled up in fists of rage.

The Medium has reached out to the White House for further comments on these actions, but was only met with a defiant grunting noise, followed by the abrupt click of a Spicer’s phone slamming down.

I’M CONFUSED ABOUT HOW TO FEEL ABOUT LINDSEY GRAHAM.

BY Jimmy Bernard

All right, so I’m thoroughly confused. As a millennial caught up in this fast paced world of consumerism who only skims the top of the news cycle without doing much subsequent research, I’ve always been told by the media outlets I specifically follow in my curated life—therefore have always independently thought—that Lindsey Graham is basically the equivalent of one of Satan’s hemorrhoids.

Then I went on Twitter the other day, and now I don’t know what to think. Lindsey Graham had a string of really cool and sarcastic Tweets! I’m cool and sarcastic! I never thought I’d find Lindsey Graham—a human version of a retarded Southern Bullfrog shitting on a decaying log—relatable. He retweeted an article from The Onion while simultaneously standing up to Donald Trump. Then he kept going after him on Twitter, including one where he talked about tequila and wrote in broken, semi-offensive Spanish. That’s relatable to the younger generation! Plus, Graham is a Republican. So is Trump. Graham stood up for his beliefs, kind of. What is going on?

As a keen, self-indulging millennial looking for any bandwagon to latch my short attention span to, I figured Graham actually isn’t that bad, and he has just gotten a bad rap this entire time. So, as a result, I actually decided to do some research. From what I found, I realize why I’ve never done research to substantiate my beliefs before.

He wants to defund Planned Parenthood because “they harvest organs of the unborn.” He also opposes expanded background checks when purchasing a gun. But then, against my better judgment, I did more research. He is for background checks on the mentally ill. He also recognizes climate change. He wants to create a safe haven for refugees, but not let them in the U.S.

I need an answer! I need to be told what to think! It’s so much easier when issues are black and white and I just decide what to think based on some unfounded, instantaneous reaction to current events.

I finally went back to Twitter, hoping to get a firm answer from one of his newer Tweets, but I saw he t jmweeted support of that Betsy DeVos lady. She sucks, right? So Lindsey Graham sucks, too…right? That’s what I’ve been told by the people I choose to listen to.
I’m lost, and I don’t know where to go. I thought I could blindly trust Twitter, but I guess not. Damn you, Lindsey Graham. Damn you.

Trump Tapes Inspire Many

BY Elusive
Tired of Yo Shit

WASHINGTON—The release of Donald Trump’s recordings have continued to cause more backlash for the candidate and the GOP. Perhaps just as important, however, is the rise of sexual assaults that have occurred since the recordings were released.

Previously, it had been reported by the Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network, also known as RAINN, that an American is sexually assaulted every 109 seconds.

Since the release of Trump’s “locker room” tape, that has changed to every 0.5 seconds. Anti-Sexual Assault Organizations have said that they believe this is a direct result of the release of a 2005 recording of Donald Trump.

The tape, which includes Trump making vulgar statements about grabbing women “by the pussy,” has reportedly given many American citizens the moral green light to commit or attempt to commit sexual assault.

“From what I gathered, I can’t get into any trouble for forcing myself on women, because everyone will just blame Mexicans, and probably ISIS. All this time I thought I needed a woman’s permission, but what I really needed was a pair of balls. Donald Trump taught me that, and I am thankful,” said Frederick Barron, a self-proclaimed “proud deplorable.”

Despite the overwhelming negative response to Trump’s statements, the GOP still stands by their candidate. Instead, Trump supporters are commending him, stating that the tapes simply further reinforce the notion that Donald Trump “just keeps it real.”

“Yes what Trump said was abhorrent, but Hillary has said and done much worse,” said Trump’s running mate, Mike Pence. “I’ve heard stories about Hillary during her college years, one harrowing story involved a drunk girl who asked Hillary for a hair tie. Hillary denied having a spare, despite wearing at least two on her left wrist. Now I ask you, do you want a president who is so clearly against helping women?”

House Speaker Paul Ryan also had his own share of opinions regarding Trump’s statements.

“His words do not represent the GOP or our beliefs,” said Speaker Ryan. When asked if that meant that he, or the GOP, would rescind their endorsement of Trump, Ryan said, “Well, no…probably not. But we won’t be his cheerleaders either!”

 

Hillary Clinton Delivers Speech Day After Chemotherapy

BY Not Joe Biden
Not the Vice President

CLEVELAND—After undergoing her first round of chemotherapy for her recently diagnosed non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma (NHL), Hillary Clinton gave a composed, yet admittedly shaky speech. The former Secretary of State’s disheveled appearance startled the crowd, which had no  prior knowledge of her recent diagnosis. Her supporters showed huge admiration for  her returning to the campaign trail so quickly. Coughing and shaking at points in her speech, Clinton’s overall positive attitude made her supporters forget about her illness and refocus on her message. “This country is at a crossroads, and if my recent bout with illness has taught me anything, it is that we can overcome anything if we trust one another, support each other, and embrace each other’s unique differences,” said a resolute Clinton, who managed to stop only thrice to cough up blood into a handkerchief during her speech.

NOTHING WILL HOLD HER BACK Clinton doesn’t look too hot; we would all agree with that.

Bill’s Secret

By Eaton Jejez

Congress to Convene to Vote on National Gum Rights Bill

BY Randy Butternubs

Makin’ Bacon Pancakes

“If we don’t do something now, America will blow up!” Sen. John McCain, left, presents the opposition to the 2015 Gum Control Law which would put greater regulations and give mandatory background checks to all those wanting to purchase gum. Sen. Barbara Boxer, right, asserts that the new law is absolutely necessary for the safety of the nation.

WASHINGTON, D.C.— Congress will convene this Thursday to discuss and vote on a new bill concerning the pressing issue of gum control that has been the topic of heated debate in the nation for decades running.

Leading up to the congressional debate, several politicians and community members alike voiced their opinions on policies of stricter gum-control legislation. Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA) spoke out last Saturday during a rally with the Coalition to Stop Gum Violations in order to raise support for the gum control bill.

“We need to take gum off the streets,” Boxer stated to the crowd of 13,000 concerned citizens. “Gum violations have terrorized our schools, workplaces, and even our homes. It’s time that America catches up with the rest of the world and protects its people.”

Reactionary statements from the Republican Party were released shortly thereafter, when former presidential candidate Senator John McCain (R-AZ) released this statement via his internet blog. “Our nation’s constitution clearly supports the American’s right to chew gum for well-regulated   mastication. There are many responsible gum owners who put their used gum back into the wrapper, rather then sticking it under a  desk. Our laws shouldn’t punish law-abiding citizens for a few bad eggs.”

Unsurprisingly, 2016 presidential candidate Donald Trump threw in his two cents as well.

“All these dirty gum are coming from Mexico and South America,” Trump said, completely unprompted during a campaign speech in Alabama. “We gotta build a wall, a big wall, and then they can go ahead and stick their dirty gum on their side of the wall. We gotta build a wall.”