Tag Archives: Bill Clinton

Second Debate Erupts In Passionate Hate Fuck

BY Carlos Sanviento
Former Female Model

ST. LOUIS–The second debate was held last Sunday and much to the surprise of those coming out of two-year comas, it was another proverbial tire fire. While the debate began normally with both candidates secretly giving the finger, a surprising turn of events occurred at the close of the event. While Republican Candidate and Tic Tac enthusiast, Donald “Jabroni” Trump, was refusing to give his report on what he did over his summer vacation, one brave audience member yelled from the back row that both candidates should, “Just make out already!”

This comment was the spark that ignited a roaring flame as both nominees stared intently at each other to then rush in and embrace their political rival. In a fantastic display of tongue fencing, both opponents fell to the stage floor and began to ravish each other with their bodies. Clinton nipping at the jowls of Trump’s neck and Trump pulling Clinton closer by the lower body, showed a willingness to compromise that was, until then, unheard of in this disaster of an election. Staff from the Clinton campaign said that they had prepared extensively for this kind of turnabout, supplying Clinton with the proper protection. The Trump staff similarly had Trump well versed on the application of lubricant, should ass play be put onto the table. As both candidates began their romp of hate-filled consensual intercourse, the audience cheered in approval of this splendid display of bipartisanship. When reached for a comment, former president Bill Clinton told The Medium “Oh baby, Hill knows how much I love to watch” and thus proceeded to throw a strap-on dildo into the mass of flesh which was the two candidates.

Real-time reaction

Upon the mutual climax of the two nominees, both cited the event as a “one night thing” and refuted any claims of the two fornicating again outside the occasional lonely Saturday night. Political experts called the event a momentous occasion, as this is the first instance of heterosexual intercourse in American politics. The approval ratings of both candidates has soared following the debate, with Clinton polling well with women for her use of the strap-on supplied by her husband. A history professor from Washington University marks this debate as one for the history books, stating “not since the Lincoln/Douglas debate had two candidates engaged in such a display of aggressive (yet tender) lovemaking.”

Point/Counterpoint: Sorry

I AM SO SORRYcrotch.png

BY Bill Clinton’s Penis

I. AM. SO. SORRY. I can’t help it. I just love being in mouths, asses and vaginas. They’re warm and moist. I love feeling myself get thrust in and out of them. I love coming out covered in saliva or the juices of whatever intern I just entered. It just feels so fucking good. Monica’s mouth was so wet, and it was even wetter and stickier when I left it. God, just thinking about that makes me drip precum. Hillary’s vagina is pretty great too, but it just got old you know? I knew that thing like the back of my scrote. Every single day it was the same thing in there. I could describe it in perfect detail. Then of course, one day I poke myself in there, and there’s a fetus in the way, so of course I was going to move on. I wanted something new, and not so full of baby.

So yeah, I moved onto other women’s holes. They were new, a vacation from Hillary’s cooch. I loved that sense of adventure when I first spelunked inside those caves. It was great. I was addicted. I was inside every chick from Little Rock to Washington. It was so fucking great. I miss those days.

But really I’m sorry, it might have been fun but it was wrong. I shouldn’t have been poking around in those meat purses. I should have stuck to Hillary’s flesh taco. To be fair though, it wasn’t really my fault. I may have given Bill’s brain up there the urge to be placed in something warm and moist, but in the end, it’s not up to me to make the decisions. I just get placed into what Bill wants me to be placed into. So I’m sorry, but at the same time it’s not my fault, it’s all on Bill’s brain and his thighs. I don’t make the decisions, he does.

trumpmouth.pngI AM MORE SORRY THAN HIM

BY Donald Trump’s Mouth

I am so much more sorry than that fucker up there. You think he has it bad with Bill’s brain? I’ve got to deal with this orange Cheeto’s brain 24/7. Even when he sleeps, he’s opening me up, and having me spout out racist, sexist, bigoted gibberish. If I have to say big league one more fucking time? I’m actually going to say bigly. Seriously, every single fucking time he opens me up, I’m forced to say something that if I had a brain I’d never say. The other day I actually said that I wanted to jail my opponent. That’s fucking dictatorial. We live in America and I actually mouthed those words. I can’t fucking believe it.

On top of that, he keeps trying to place me in places I don’t want to fucking go. The other day I had to wrap myself around Vladimir Putin’s cock. Do you know how shitty that was? I didn’t want that. Why couldn’t I be anyone else’s mouth? Seriously, I’d rather be Helen Keller’s mouth at this point, at least then the misery would be over.

I am so fucking sorry for everything that has happened over the past few years. I didn’t want to say any of it, I was forced to against my will. If I had my way, we’d be talking about repairing our nation through the power of songs. I want to be free. I am so sorry for it all. Please forgive me, and me alone, not the Oompa Loompa I’m sewn onto. And if you can’t forgive me, at least put me out of my misery.

Ted Cruz Haunted By Ghost of Candidates Past

BY Randy Butternubs
Free Flowing Funk

HOUSTON, TX—This morning at 2:33 am, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was awoken in his home in Houston, TX by the moaning of three specters of the campaigns of Bob Dole, Newt Gingrich, and Marco Rubio. cruzy

Cruz was first lead by 1996 Republican nominee Bob Dole, who addressed himself as the Ghost of Candidacy Past. Cruz was shown a more innocent time in GOP history with Dole’s campaign against then-incumbent President Bill Clinton. Extending a bony finger from his robe, Dole pointed to the moment when he proposed to overturn the Supreme Courts decision to restrict states from banning abortion. Dole then bellowed in a chilling voice, “Presidency will never be yours if your policies are from the past!”

“Bah, humbug!” the shaken Cruz shouted at Dole to haunt him no longer, at which point, the Ghost of Candidacy Present, Newt Gingrich, took the Texan Senator to 2012, where he saw the defeat of Gingrich to eventual Republican nominee Mitt Romney. Distraught, Cruz asked, “You can’t mean for this to be like my current situation! You suggest I will lose my nomination to a spoiled rich guy with a stupid name?”

Gingrich’s spirit simply laughed and said in his chubby boy voice, “The time has come for me to leave you, Rafael Edward ‘Ted’ Cruz.” At that moment, Cruz was left in a dark and cold conference room with the Ghost of Candidacy Yet to Come, a sobbing and incoherent Marco Rubio in a dark hood. After watching Rubio cry continuously for approximately forty minutes, Cruz asked whether he would see his future, prompting the Floridian Senator to move to stand in front a mirrored wall while continuing to sob.

Waking again at nine o’ clock, Cruz leaped out from of bed, filled with the political spirit. He burst out of his bedroom window and called out to a passing lobbyist, tasking him to bring around the prize investor for his Super PAC.