Tag Archives: United States of America

Studies Show Trump Physically Unable to Comprehend Tragedies in Developing Countries

BY Caillou
Real Good Listener

WASHINGTON D.C.— Tuesday morning at 9 am, researchers revealed the results of a year-long study on Trump, concluding that the 45th President of the United States is unable to mentally process tragedies that occur in developing countries. This has confirmed theories developed by many scientists around the globe as to why someone so active on social media refuses to comment on anything both not American and not white.

An excerpt of the study describes some of the methodology used, “The subject was placed in a neutral room containing only two chairs. Every 15 minutes, a researcher would go into the room and mention a topic, such as CNN, nuclear weaponry, or Putin. The only tests inciting abnormal reactions involved the subject ‘Somalia bombings,’ where the subject’s eyes glazed over, its body slouched over, and hands twitched every few seconds. The subject would sustain this posture until a team member would mention Kaepernick. The subject would then react in an established fashion as if nothing had happened.”

White House staff have begun taking measures to work around the president’s newly discovered disability. Press secretary Sarah Sanders announced, “The United States will not be halted by our president’s mental disorder. The US will persevere through tragedies such as Somalia’s truck bombing, and will not let the death of hundreds of third-world citizens stop us from making this country great again.”

Citizens across America have been announcing they suffer from a similar disease, as Alabaman Billy McBowell said, “Yeah these fellas over the sea, their problems just don’t do anything for me, y’know. If it ain’t about the death of our national anthem, then you can forget about it,” he stated as he set up his American flag rifle targets.

As of press time, no one has mentioned to the president that he has this disability.

Trump Bans Citizens of Puerto Rico Labeling Them as ‘Second Class Mexicans’

BY The Ghosts of the Founding Fathers
Loves AR15’s

WASHINGTON — In the latest natural devastation that is Hurricane Maria, President Trump is taking quick precautions to prevent all the Puerto Rican refugees from coming into mainland United States. “We don’t want these island Mexicans to come to our country and take our jobs. We don’t want their salsa music and bad English to infect our airwaves.” Trump’s proposed wall wouldn’t just be a metal fence with barbed wires. It would be “a fully armored fortress complete with neo-Nazi’s, klansman and very fine people on both sides,” armed with tiki torches securing the parameters. All groups will also be unionized and are guaranteed vouchers for burritos or soft shelled tacos for every fortress hopper that they kill because fuck hard shelled tacos.

As Trump sent out his executive order, it was immediately shut down by Congress. Trump, dumbfounded, went on a tweetstorm where called all Puerto Ricans “…lame, tanned Floridians.” He then proceeded called meetings with all of his consultants to decide the most efficient way of denying help to the citizens of Puerto Rico.

As Trump continued his fit of rage, Hurricane Maria devastated mainland Puerto Rico. Since he could not find the support he needed for wall 2.0 he signed another executive order to take away the passports of every Puerto Rican on the island. Along with that, Trump also added Puerto Rico to the travel ban. Still being completely oblivious that Puerto Ricans are American citizens and cannot be banned from entering the mainland US, Trump is confident that this bill will pass in it’s entirety citing his past complete disregard of the law.

North Korea Threatens to Declare War if it Doesn’t Make Ratio

BY Caillou
Loves Children

DEMOCRATIC PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF KOREA — Last night at 10:43 pm EST, North Korea’s foreign minister threatened to declare war on the United States if it doesn’t make ratio at Theta Chai’s party Friday night.

According to the statement, Ri Yong-ho said, “It is Marshal Kim Jong Un’s right to rip sick bong hits and shotgun Millers at Theta Chai’s party. If Rutgers University and President Trump are unable to comply with our supreme leader’s demands, our nation will be forced to declare war on the United States of America.”

The White House still has yet to respond to the statement, but Rutgers University president Robert Barchi ranted on Twitter early this morning at 5:23 am EST. In his tweets that he wrote nearly 30 minutes into Fox News’ “Fox and Friends,” Barchi let loose a string of 8 tweets, including, “Pathetic Rocket Man can’t even make ratio. Just throw fives!!” and “Srat chicks don’t like short losers. And yuo [sic] know what they say about short men..” In his most provocative tweet yet, Barchi urged an attack on Rutgers, threatening, “Kim Jong Dumb doesn’t have the firepower to hit rutgers, try it!! We need a new football team anyway”.

Rutgers students are less than thrilled with both the statements from Ri Yong-ho and Robert Barchi. Tiffany Sankhar, a third-year communications major, said, “I think this whole thing is a mess! If Kim really wanted to get in, he should have just rushed earlier in the year. And Barchi is just an embarrassment. Just the other day, he insulted Rutgers football players for protesting police brutality by kneeling during the entirety of the third quarter. He’s a disgrace.”

Grad student Ben Jordan had another solution. “Wait, doesn’t Kim Jon Un own people? Why is this such a problem for him?”

Student From South Jersey Finds Out Area Was Part of Union

BY Grind All
Masshole

CHERRY HILL — In a shocking turn of events local South Jersey resident Karen Hall recently found out that South Jersey was in fact part of the Union during the Civil War rather than the confederacy. This revelation came after Hall enrolled in an American History class during her second semester at Rutgers. As the class was wrapping up Hall realized that she had hardly attended class and in order to pass the final she would need to actually open the textbook. But when she sat down this past Monday to finally read about some good old American history she found herself paralyzed by shock when she got to the history of the Civil War section. Right there in writing was the listing of the states that fought for the Confederacy in the 1860s.

“I just sat there re-reading it over and over again!” exclaimed Hall. “Right there it said South Carolina, Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Texas, Virginia, Arkansas, Tennessee, and North Carolina! No mention of Jersey!”

Hall attempted to calm herself down by telling herself that Virginia was close to Jersey so maybe South Jersey was actually a part of Virginia in the 1800s! Unfortunately, to her dismay she turned the page and was greeted with a map that outlined where the Confederacy ended and the Union started, which made it very obvious that South Jersey was a part of the Union.

“I was just so shocked,” she stated. “I mean the Union?! The icky no fun Union that wanted to CRUSH personal rights and take away Southern pride and heritage?!”
Enraged by this and still not totally believing what she saw, Hall stormed to her professor’s office demanding an explanation. The professor had no idea who Hall was and was reportedly concerned that Hall not only had no idea that New Jersey was a part of the Union but that she was upset by it.

“I thought I had some real Southern heritage in me!” cried Hall with a fake southern drawl in a recent phone interview.

According to her roommate, Hall has not left her room since reading the passage insisting she is going through an “identity crisis” citing that even though her family has lived in South Jersey since America’s birth, she does not know who her ancestors are anymore. Hall’s friend Chantel, a black woman, tried to sympathize with her stating she knew none of her ancestors because they were slaves that were not recorded in a censuses but Hall insisted it wasn’t the same and her situation was much worse.

No word on when Hall will exit her room or whether she has even accepted this fact yet.

ISIS Decides to Spare America Claiming It’s Already Fucked

BY Grind All
Does the Shitty Thing

WASHINGTON D.C. – In a leaked video showing a secret meeting between leaders of the radical Islamic terrorist group ISIS, the group declared that they would be leaving America out of their quest for complete destruction of the world.

The video showed leader Saajid Yousif stating that ever since Trump’s election the country has been falling apart all without any influence from the outside world.

“Look at them!” cried Yousif. “They’re a fucking mess. Not only are there protests every goddamned day but they couldn’t even give Beyonce the record of the year at the Grammy’s! That place is going to shit all by itself, we should focus our attention elsewhere.”

isis
“They’re super fucked” ISIS leader Saajid Yousif decides to leave America alone after tumultulous first month of Trump’s presidency

This declaration comes after the first turbulent month of Trump’s presidency. Since taking office Trump has attempted to issue a travel ban on Muslims, start a war with the press, and break ties with important allies. The most recent scandal shows Trump citing a Fox News story during a press conference which falsely claimed that Sweden was under distress from taking in too many immigrants. The statement caused uproar from Swedish government officials who attacked the statements false merits while the rest of the world laughed at the elected American leader for being so, so stupid.

“They are ruining themselves,” continued Yousif. “I mean do they really think that a guy who listens to Fox News is going to lead them to the promise land? I mean we’re pretty radical but we can fucking see how stupid Fox News is- they’re going down with or without us, why exhaust ourselves?”

This video very obviously comes as a shock to most of America.

“How could they not want to fuck us up?!” cried internet chat room user Dikzout4Harambe. “America’s the center of this fucking planet! How could they not care about us?!”

While most American’s reactions have shown to agree with Dikzout4Harambe the rest of the world seems to understand ISIS’s point of view. Tweets from countries such as Ireland, Japan, and Australia show how the rest the world has responded to the news.

“Honestly same ISIS America’s a MESS #beyhive” said a tweet from Irish user @KellyStone which then went viral being retweeted over 2,000 times.

President Trump has yet to formally address the video but sent out a tweet at 3:05 am last night saying “ISIS is just playing hard to get! We will continue to make America great again! And ISIS will be begging to be destroyed by us!”

Trump Presidency Just One Big Make-A-Wish Project

Barbara Not-Walters
Longing For the Truth

WASHINGTON, D.C.—As it turns out, America may not have to deal with a Trump presidency for much longer. According to the Make-A-Wish Foundation, Donald Trump’s role as current Commander-in-Chief is actually just a project by the foundation.
Make-A-Wish Foundation was reportedly so pleased with the results of the Batkid wish, which granted a young boy in San Francisco his wish to fight villains as Batman, they decided to go for an even bigger project. The idea to allow Donald Trump to act as the President was the perfect new venture.

However, reporters hear that the organization is now growing to regret their decision to grant Trump’s final wish.

“First of all, he doesn’t even know that he is part of a Make-A-Wish project. All of us, Melania included, decided it would be best to not tell Trump. That way, everything would feel more authentic. But he is the most ungrateful person we have ever had to deal with.

makeawish
TRUMP MAKES A WISH An exclusive preview of the new advertisment to be run by the foundation

According to Make-A-Wish, Melania Trump reached out to the foundation about two years ago, informing them that Donald had been diagnosed with testicular torsion, a condition which causes the testes to painfully twist and, if left untreated, can lead to the loss of the testicles. After much discussion and reading of tweets, everyone involved realized that the one thing he wanted more than anything was to be President of the United States.

“All we had to do with Batkid was put him in a costume for 24 hours and he was done!” said a social worker assigned to Trump’s case.

According to MAW Chairman John Crowley, they let the farce go on for so long simply because, “[they] genuinely didn’t believe Trump would do anything in his time in office”.
However, now that Trump has tried to enact multiple executive orders including the banning Muslims and other immigrants, Crowley has admitted that the venture has gone just a bit too far.

“Now all he does is walk around the White House screaming that America is a big disaster and that he will be the country’s savior,” confirmed multiple members of the MAW board.
Government officials are also apparently not impressed with “President” Trump any longer.

“We were just gonna wait until he got bored and left, but I guess we’ll have to break the news to him sooner. Apparently he wasn’t even aware of his condition. Melania told him that he had to have his testicles removed so that they could be gold-plated and displayed at the Smithsonian,” said Speaker Paul Ryan.

“Really, I just want to quit hearing his whining about Mexicans and just get back to Indiana,” said “Vice President” Mike Pence. “I also want to get as far away from Steve Bannon as possible. He is just the worst. Every day he asks me to pull his finger and the results are horrifying. Someone please save me,” plead Pence.

Make-A-Wish Foundation has recently revealed that they will break the news to Trump about his “presidency” later this week, before he is set to attend the supposed unveiling of his gold-plated testicles.

Melania would like to extend her gratitude towards the foundation as well as America as a whole for tolerating and entertaining Trump in his wish of being the President of the United States.

Americans Flee to Cuba Following Castro’s Death

Radio Raheem
Does the Right Thing

MIAMI—Following the news of Fidel Castro’s death on Friday, thousands of Americans are reportedly fleeing the United Stated in hopes of a better life in Cuba. Castro was a brutal dictator of Cuba for 47 years, and has been accused of a multitude of human rights violations.

President Obama’s administration has been working to repair lingering animosity between the United States and Cuba, which began during the Cuban Missile Crisis under Castro’s regime.

President-Elect Donald Trump, who will be inaugurated in January, has made it extremely clear that life in America will not be pleasant for immigrants, even though there’s no realistic way that the government can do anything about the undocumented immigrants in the United States.raft.png

Cuban-Americans who came to the states as refugees are now getting ready to flee the country they came to for safety.

Cuban-Americans in southern Florida have been building rafts out of anything they can find to escape certain tyranny in the United States. “We have to get the fuck out of here,” says Manuel Franco, a real estate agent living in Miami who came to the US as a refugee at the age of 9. “Castro’s dead, so fuck it, Cuba’s probably better than here. I’ve got some empty water jugs from the office, tied them to my front door, and covered that shit with a tarp. We’re all set to sail for a better life.”

Franco plans to take his entire family with him to Cuba. “Maybe we’ll start a cigar business! Thanks to Cuba’s great labor laws, I could pay the kids 10 cents an hour. We could make a fucking killing, man. I’m so excited.”