Tag Archives: United States of America

Student From South Jersey Finds Out Area Was Part of Union

BY Grind All
Masshole

CHERRY HILL — In a shocking turn of events local South Jersey resident Karen Hall recently found out that South Jersey was in fact part of the Union during the Civil War rather than the confederacy. This revelation came after Hall enrolled in an American History class during her second semester at Rutgers. As the class was wrapping up Hall realized that she had hardly attended class and in order to pass the final she would need to actually open the textbook. But when she sat down this past Monday to finally read about some good old American history she found herself paralyzed by shock when she got to the history of the Civil War section. Right there in writing was the listing of the states that fought for the Confederacy in the 1860s.

“I just sat there re-reading it over and over again!” exclaimed Hall. “Right there it said South Carolina, Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Texas, Virginia, Arkansas, Tennessee, and North Carolina! No mention of Jersey!”

Hall attempted to calm herself down by telling herself that Virginia was close to Jersey so maybe South Jersey was actually a part of Virginia in the 1800s! Unfortunately, to her dismay she turned the page and was greeted with a map that outlined where the Confederacy ended and the Union started, which made it very obvious that South Jersey was a part of the Union.

“I was just so shocked,” she stated. “I mean the Union?! The icky no fun Union that wanted to CRUSH personal rights and take away Southern pride and heritage?!”
Enraged by this and still not totally believing what she saw, Hall stormed to her professor’s office demanding an explanation. The professor had no idea who Hall was and was reportedly concerned that Hall not only had no idea that New Jersey was a part of the Union but that she was upset by it.

“I thought I had some real Southern heritage in me!” cried Hall with a fake southern drawl in a recent phone interview.

According to her roommate, Hall has not left her room since reading the passage insisting she is going through an “identity crisis” citing that even though her family has lived in South Jersey since America’s birth, she does not know who her ancestors are anymore. Hall’s friend Chantel, a black woman, tried to sympathize with her stating she knew none of her ancestors because they were slaves that were not recorded in a censuses but Hall insisted it wasn’t the same and her situation was much worse.

No word on when Hall will exit her room or whether she has even accepted this fact yet.

ISIS Decides to Spare America Claiming It’s Already Fucked

BY Grind All
Does the Shitty Thing

WASHINGTON D.C. – In a leaked video showing a secret meeting between leaders of the radical Islamic terrorist group ISIS, the group declared that they would be leaving America out of their quest for complete destruction of the world.

The video showed leader Saajid Yousif stating that ever since Trump’s election the country has been falling apart all without any influence from the outside world.

“Look at them!” cried Yousif. “They’re a fucking mess. Not only are there protests every goddamned day but they couldn’t even give Beyonce the record of the year at the Grammy’s! That place is going to shit all by itself, we should focus our attention elsewhere.”

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“They’re super fucked” ISIS leader Saajid Yousif decides to leave America alone after tumultulous first month of Trump’s presidency

This declaration comes after the first turbulent month of Trump’s presidency. Since taking office Trump has attempted to issue a travel ban on Muslims, start a war with the press, and break ties with important allies. The most recent scandal shows Trump citing a Fox News story during a press conference which falsely claimed that Sweden was under distress from taking in too many immigrants. The statement caused uproar from Swedish government officials who attacked the statements false merits while the rest of the world laughed at the elected American leader for being so, so stupid.

“They are ruining themselves,” continued Yousif. “I mean do they really think that a guy who listens to Fox News is going to lead them to the promise land? I mean we’re pretty radical but we can fucking see how stupid Fox News is- they’re going down with or without us, why exhaust ourselves?”

This video very obviously comes as a shock to most of America.

“How could they not want to fuck us up?!” cried internet chat room user Dikzout4Harambe. “America’s the center of this fucking planet! How could they not care about us?!”

While most American’s reactions have shown to agree with Dikzout4Harambe the rest of the world seems to understand ISIS’s point of view. Tweets from countries such as Ireland, Japan, and Australia show how the rest the world has responded to the news.

“Honestly same ISIS America’s a MESS #beyhive” said a tweet from Irish user @KellyStone which then went viral being retweeted over 2,000 times.

President Trump has yet to formally address the video but sent out a tweet at 3:05 am last night saying “ISIS is just playing hard to get! We will continue to make America great again! And ISIS will be begging to be destroyed by us!”

Trump Presidency Just One Big Make-A-Wish Project

Barbara Not-Walters
Longing For the Truth

WASHINGTON, D.C.—As it turns out, America may not have to deal with a Trump presidency for much longer. According to the Make-A-Wish Foundation, Donald Trump’s role as current Commander-in-Chief is actually just a project by the foundation.
Make-A-Wish Foundation was reportedly so pleased with the results of the Batkid wish, which granted a young boy in San Francisco his wish to fight villains as Batman, they decided to go for an even bigger project. The idea to allow Donald Trump to act as the President was the perfect new venture.

However, reporters hear that the organization is now growing to regret their decision to grant Trump’s final wish.

“First of all, he doesn’t even know that he is part of a Make-A-Wish project. All of us, Melania included, decided it would be best to not tell Trump. That way, everything would feel more authentic. But he is the most ungrateful person we have ever had to deal with.

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TRUMP MAKES A WISH An exclusive preview of the new advertisment to be run by the foundation

According to Make-A-Wish, Melania Trump reached out to the foundation about two years ago, informing them that Donald had been diagnosed with testicular torsion, a condition which causes the testes to painfully twist and, if left untreated, can lead to the loss of the testicles. After much discussion and reading of tweets, everyone involved realized that the one thing he wanted more than anything was to be President of the United States.

“All we had to do with Batkid was put him in a costume for 24 hours and he was done!” said a social worker assigned to Trump’s case.

According to MAW Chairman John Crowley, they let the farce go on for so long simply because, “[they] genuinely didn’t believe Trump would do anything in his time in office”.
However, now that Trump has tried to enact multiple executive orders including the banning Muslims and other immigrants, Crowley has admitted that the venture has gone just a bit too far.

“Now all he does is walk around the White House screaming that America is a big disaster and that he will be the country’s savior,” confirmed multiple members of the MAW board.
Government officials are also apparently not impressed with “President” Trump any longer.

“We were just gonna wait until he got bored and left, but I guess we’ll have to break the news to him sooner. Apparently he wasn’t even aware of his condition. Melania told him that he had to have his testicles removed so that they could be gold-plated and displayed at the Smithsonian,” said Speaker Paul Ryan.

“Really, I just want to quit hearing his whining about Mexicans and just get back to Indiana,” said “Vice President” Mike Pence. “I also want to get as far away from Steve Bannon as possible. He is just the worst. Every day he asks me to pull his finger and the results are horrifying. Someone please save me,” plead Pence.

Make-A-Wish Foundation has recently revealed that they will break the news to Trump about his “presidency” later this week, before he is set to attend the supposed unveiling of his gold-plated testicles.

Melania would like to extend her gratitude towards the foundation as well as America as a whole for tolerating and entertaining Trump in his wish of being the President of the United States.

Americans Flee to Cuba Following Castro’s Death

Radio Raheem
Does the Right Thing

MIAMI—Following the news of Fidel Castro’s death on Friday, thousands of Americans are reportedly fleeing the United Stated in hopes of a better life in Cuba. Castro was a brutal dictator of Cuba for 47 years, and has been accused of a multitude of human rights violations.

President Obama’s administration has been working to repair lingering animosity between the United States and Cuba, which began during the Cuban Missile Crisis under Castro’s regime.

President-Elect Donald Trump, who will be inaugurated in January, has made it extremely clear that life in America will not be pleasant for immigrants, even though there’s no realistic way that the government can do anything about the undocumented immigrants in the United States.raft.png

Cuban-Americans who came to the states as refugees are now getting ready to flee the country they came to for safety.

Cuban-Americans in southern Florida have been building rafts out of anything they can find to escape certain tyranny in the United States. “We have to get the fuck out of here,” says Manuel Franco, a real estate agent living in Miami who came to the US as a refugee at the age of 9. “Castro’s dead, so fuck it, Cuba’s probably better than here. I’ve got some empty water jugs from the office, tied them to my front door, and covered that shit with a tarp. We’re all set to sail for a better life.”

Franco plans to take his entire family with him to Cuba. “Maybe we’ll start a cigar business! Thanks to Cuba’s great labor laws, I could pay the kids 10 cents an hour. We could make a fucking killing, man. I’m so excited.”

Saddam Hussein’s Daughter to Attend Penn State

UNIVERSITY PARK, PA—After getting accepted to three major U.S. universities, the daughter of the former Iraqi dictator, Rana Saddam Hussein, has committed early to Penn State.

Rana, who has been an Iraqi expat living in Yemen for the last 3 years, will be the first Muslim woman in her family to attend an American university.

“I’m very excited to be in America,” said Rana in an interview with the paper, “Iraq has not been too much fun lately, so I’m excited for this next step in my journey.”

According to Rana’s guidance counselor she’s worked volunteering for young male victims of sexual assault, who are often stigmatized in Muslim societies. hussein penn.png

This volunteer work is what helped her most in her application process.

“Even though she got a 1650 on her SAT scores, her multicultural background, volunteering, and a great personal essay really convinced us” said admissions officer Janet Ferris who felt directly with Rana’s application.

“Penn state, above all, is a moral institution,” Said Rana, “They would never let anything bad happen to children and that’s why I’m most excited to attend.”

Rana is awaiting rooming assignments in an all women’s dormitory, and is excited to go to American football games.

Donald Trump Still in the Fucking News

BY Mister Señor Love Daddy
Depressed

NEW YORK—Recent reports have confirmed the Republican nominee for President of the United States, Donald Trump, is somehow still in the fucking news. After the most recent arbitrary thing Trump has done, various news outlets are having a field day ripping him apart. As inconceivable as it is that one person could consistently dominate headlines every day for an entire year, Trump is still doing it.

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WOW, ANOTHER FUCKING HEADLINE Donald Trump does a thing which inevitably pisses off human beings

Jonathan McBride, a local voter, expresses is frustration with the news. “I turn on CNN, FOX, NBC, doesn’t matter. It’s just him. There isn’t anything else on my TV anymore. I used to turn on the news to see what’s going on in the world, and now I don’t even bother. I can’t believe how long they’re drawing this shit out.”

McBride, like many American voters, is fed up with the current state of reporting. The most baffling part of all of this is that every arbitrary thing Trump does actually is more ridiculous than the last.

The public is anxiously awaiting the day when our news stations will report on the things we care about. McBride asks, Why can’t we just turn on the news and see some Syrian city being leveled by drone strikes, like in the good old days? I just want it to go back to the way it was before.”

McBride, like most of the public, hopes the news will return to normal after the election on November 8th.

Researchers Discover Why White Males Shoot Up Schools

BY Radio Raheem
Does the Right Thing

PISCATAWAY—In a new, groundbreaking study, researchers at Rutgers have revealed a shocking correlation between the recent increase in mass shootings in America and the simple fact that white men don’t use lotion. The study is a joint investigation lead by Rutgers University behavioral psychologist Dr. Evelyn Harris and biologist Dr. Akash Singh.

A conversation over coffee between the two professors sparked he idea for the research. The foremost question on Harris’s mind was: Why are white males so often the perpetrators of mass shootings in this country? Singh could offer no explanation until he asked Harris for some lotion to subdue his chronic eczema, a result of the cold weather. At that point, Harris began to openly hypothesize: are these massacres a seasonal phenomenon?

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“It puts the lotion on its skin or else it shoots the 9mm hollowpoints again!!!” Billy doesn’t realize that all his troubles will melt away with a little Aveeno.

Harris organized the incidences by calendar day and determined that more shootings occur during winter months, though the summer months are most deadly. She reached out to Singh for his opinion. His hypothesis has to do with the concentration of melanin in skin.

“Off the bat, there’s nothing intrinsic about melanin that affects a person’s behavior. However, one of the properties of melanin is that in high concentrations, it makes a person’s skin darker,” explains Singh. “So, if you happen to have more melanin in your skin, it will contrast much more with flaking dead skin cells. People with darker complexions normally will use lotions to moisturize and exfoliate the dead skin, which might go unnoticed on a lighter person.”

Dr. Harris came up with a simple test to test this new hypothesis: fifty white men and fifty non-white male humans were separately interviewed about their hygiene habits. Harris and Singh were both shocked to learn that white men simply don’t even bother putting on lotion, while almost everyone else does. “This was a startling breakthrough for us—we made the connection immediately. Apparently white men literally spend their entire lives just being itchy and miserable.”

It’s not surprising that an entire demographic of itchy, angry humans is the same demographic of people that routinely shoots up schools. Finding this connection is a huge breakthrough in public health and safety. This research can eventually lead us to a safer general public, one that doesn’t have to worry about these tragedies we face so many times a year.