PHILADELPHIA — If anyone has been to a haunted house, they know the drill. Lots of loud jump scares with spookily dressed people that laugh or scream or something. Yawn, predictable. My experience at Eastern State, however, was so much more. Those places are lame because there is never anything at stake, because they can’t touch you. What makes Terror Behind the Walls immersive is that they can grab you, separate you from your group, bring you down secret passageways, fondle your balls, pretty much do anything to you! When I went with a couple of friends, I immediately got separated and brought to a dark room by a hooded figure. He then proceeded to probe my asshole while laughing maniacally. I was so scared! Oh man did they get me good. When I finally caught back up to my group, I was laughing so hard I was crying. When they asked me what happened, I couldn’t even tell them, because the man said to tell no one or he would grab me again and scare me even harder! I highly recommend this event to anyone that’s willing to get a little extra spooked this year, and isn’t afraid of a little invasion of personal space.
BY Walter Cronkite Jr
Greek Life Insider
NEW BRUNSWICK — Not seeing the explicit irony, fraternities at Rutgers continue to advocate for the prevention of sexual violence while forcing all male, non-guest list partygoers to have ratio.
“Hey bro, I only see three girls and one of you,” Beta Rho Omega brother Arnie van Jaaran reportedly said, whose fraternity was enforcing a 6-to-1 female-to-male ratio Friday. “I can’t let you in unless you got more girls, yo. But while I have you here, would you care to make a donation to RAINN, the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization?”
This is not an isolated incident, as reportedly every fraternity that is not guest-list only continues to use ratio at parties year after year. The reported minimum ratio is 4-to-1 at Tau Iota Tau, yet the reported minimum amount of service hours per brother at Rutgers is 10 a semester, though the message and actions do not seem to resonate.
“Yeah we do a lot of work with The Office for Violence Prevention and Victim Assistance, which provides an amazing service on campus that I really recommend people use,” said Sam Young, president of Alpha Sigma Sigma. “At the same time, though, we can’t be throwing sausagefests every weekend. Frankly, girls should see it as a compliment. They’re desirable. As a reward, guys that pull get to party, and girls are given free drinks and get to swat away unwanted advances.”
When asked about the apparent hypocrisy, Young did not see it.
“Nah we have inter-fraternal meetings all the time, and we always congratulate each other on the positive impact we have on the culture of sexual violence prevention on this campus.”
The office of Fraternity & Sorority Affairs did not make an official comment on the issue, but did note fraternity contributions to the cause, both monetarily and through volunteer hours.
When asked, most independent students on campus were indifferent on the issue.
“It’s whatever,” said senior Jessica Hernandez. “I go to the bars now.”
BY Traitorous Gumball
NEW BRUNSWICK—Chaos erupted last weekend as Rutgers Junior Taylor Brown decided that Walking Man, better known as the statue outside the Zimmerli Art Museum, struck her fancy.
Within seconds of laying eyes on the statue, Brown shambled to him and proceeded to kiss him.
“I’ve never seen her like this, usually she can control herself.” Said Max VanName, a friend of Brown’s who witnessed the hookup.
As Brown continued, students gathered to witness the event that some are describing as the epitome of the drunken, hormone fueled shenanigans that the university is famous for.
Others cite the Public Safety Building orgy of 2011.
The hookup lasted approximately five minutes before Brown realized that she was doing all the work
“I realized that I somehow never felt his tongue, let alone his hands. It just felt weird to not be felt up in any way during a make out session. So I left in search of someone more experienced.” Brown explained.
Jessica Greenberg, A Rutgers Women’s Studies major who witnessed the event, plans to charge Walking Man with rape charges.
Other witnesses are impressed with his stamina, and hope to eventually seduce the statue themselves.
“Look at that guy! His jawline is so well defined. And he’s got buns of steel!” Said Rutgers Freshman Katrina Schneeberg. “I just hope he’s into Jewish girls.”
One thing we know for certain is that Walking Man will have to be cleaned before the incident happens again.
Tired of Yo Shit
WASHINGTON—The release of Donald Trump’s recordings have continued to cause more backlash for the candidate and the GOP. Perhaps just as important, however, is the rise of sexual assaults that have occurred since the recordings were released.
Previously, it had been reported by the Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network, also known as RAINN, that an American is sexually assaulted every 109 seconds.
Since the release of Trump’s “locker room” tape, that has changed to every 0.5 seconds. Anti-Sexual Assault Organizations have said that they believe this is a direct result of the release of a 2005 recording of Donald Trump.
The tape, which includes Trump making vulgar statements about grabbing women “by the pussy,” has reportedly given many American citizens the moral green light to commit or attempt to commit sexual assault.
“From what I gathered, I can’t get into any trouble for forcing myself on women, because everyone will just blame Mexicans, and probably ISIS. All this time I thought I needed a woman’s permission, but what I really needed was a pair of balls. Donald Trump taught me that, and I am thankful,” said Frederick Barron, a self-proclaimed “proud deplorable.”
Despite the overwhelming negative response to Trump’s statements, the GOP still stands by their candidate. Instead, Trump supporters are commending him, stating that the tapes simply further reinforce the notion that Donald Trump “just keeps it real.”
“Yes what Trump said was abhorrent, but Hillary has said and done much worse,” said Trump’s running mate, Mike Pence. “I’ve heard stories about Hillary during her college years, one harrowing story involved a drunk girl who asked Hillary for a hair tie. Hillary denied having a spare, despite wearing at least two on her left wrist. Now I ask you, do you want a president who is so clearly against helping women?”
House Speaker Paul Ryan also had his own share of opinions regarding Trump’s statements.
“His words do not represent the GOP or our beliefs,” said Speaker Ryan. When asked if that meant that he, or the GOP, would rescind their endorsement of Trump, Ryan said, “Well, no…probably not. But we won’t be his cheerleaders either!”
Very Silky Today
NEW BRUNSWICK—An event that was meant to empower women and make them feel comfortable did that and so much more Wednesday night on College Avenue. Take Back the Night, organized by Women Organizing Against Harassment (WOAH) began innocently enough, modeled after similar events on college campuses all over the country. However, the event quickly turned into a mature night full of loving, consensual sex.
Soon after men and women gathered on the steps of Scott Hall, on the College Avenue Campus, the leaders of WOAH stepped up to the podium and began to speak.
“For far too long, men have felt that they could prey on us walking around at night. Countless rapes and sexual assaults have occurred on this very campus. Every passing minute, another girl somewhere in the world is raped,” yelled Lisa Deromino, an organizer of the event . A chorus of “Amen, Sister!” could be heard coming from the crowd, according to sources at the rally.
Following the opening speech, a sexual assault victim who was not named rose to speak.
“Today, we are proud to take back the night and stop being afraid. Before this decade is over, we promise to lead by example and show these men the compassion and humanity that we deserve,” she continued, pulling back a curtain to unveil a large wall, covered in condoms and sex toys. “And tonight is the beginning. Sisters, I urge you to find the nearest man and politely invite him to partake in caring and safe sex. Show each and every one of them that basking in the afterglow is better than a jail sentence of up to twenty years.”
At this urging, women throughout the crowd began to search for men. While some of the men were horrified and ran away, many stayed around and gave consent to have sexual intercourse with the proposing women. Condoms were worn and the foreplay was sober and sensual, according to some men who attended the rally.
“It was pretty fucking great,” said Chad Wilson, a freshman in the School of Arts and Sciences, “these women just came up and asked if I would be willing to pull down my pants and participate in…carnal relations. I agreed to and they brought me to behind some bushes. Then they started to give me a handjob. At first I was hesitant, but since they asked so politely and since I wanted to help take back the night, I agreed. Then one whispered in my ear and requested that I choke her. As a feminist, I had to accommodate. One sat on my face and although I couldn’t confirm her reasons because my mouth was otherwise occupied, her intentions seemed clear at this point. We went on for a couple of minutes and I soon had to ask them, ‘Where may I jizz?’ Overall, I really enjoyed it and they were incredibly kind the entire time. And I didn’t have to do anything I wasn’t comfortable doing. I wish my ex-girlfriend would have asked permission before thumbing my anus.”
At the end of the night, the leaders of WOAH and the attendees of the event all went to get a postcoital meal, agreeing that the entire event was a success.