Category Archives: Volume LIII Issue VII

IHOP Mocks My Sorrows With Their Faux Happiness

BY Fui Von Wiwiifui

Yesterday afternoon, I walked my wretched being down to our rustic old IHOP, looking only to drown my consciousness in viscous molasses of various colors and essences. However, upon arrival at the establishment, my gloom transformed into contempt as they try to shove their family-friendly, corporate, faux happiness down my tired throat.

I ordered their Create-A-Face Pancake to fashion my feelings of despair onto the canvas of a buttermilk pancake. However, they mistook my order, I suspect deliberately, and served me a Funny Face Pancake, the quintessence of mock euphoria; the edible personification of a barely legal porn star just trying to pay off debts.

Afterwards, I ordered their free stack of pancakes, hoping to forget the mistakes IHOP and I have made in the past. One bite put an end to that misconception. I broke down into tears, the porous flapjacks absorbing my tears with ease. The wait staff attempted to console my shattered soul, but nothing can mend me now. The only thing I could do was leave, never to look back at the ruins I have left in my wake.

7/10. Free pancakes are still free.

Trump Fills Out Uber-White Jai Alai Tournament Bracket Over NCAA Tournament

BY Throb Lowe
Dropped as a Child

WASHINGTON D.C.— Rather than participate in the annual tournament that unites the nation, Trump has elected to make picks in the World Cup of Jai Alai over the NCAA March Madness tournament.

During a White House press conference a confused and sweaty Sean Spicer told the press “more people pay attention to Jai Alai than they do to college basketball. The numbers show that more people attend the World Cup of Jai Alai than they do the NAACP basketball tournament, and that’s a fact.”

jaialai.png
LIVIN’ THE JAI-LIFE Trump taking another break from “running” the country

The World Cup of Jai Alai, hosted at a private estate in Moscow, is set to begin two days after the NCAA basketball tournament ends, giving Trump almost no excuse not to participate. Rather than choosing Duke or Syracuse to win his bracket, the President reportedly chose Jon Denning to win the WCJA.

In a diarrhetic middle-of-the-night stream of tweets Trump informed the people that “Basketball is failing! Jai Alai is a $3.2 billion dollar industry, NCAA has never come close! SAD.”

ESPN analysts didn’t know what to make of Trump’s prediction of an early round fall of Timofy Carcello because not a single analyst knew who that was. In fact, a total of four employees at ESPN knew what Jai Alai was.

Point/Counterpoint: Most Dangerous Fruit

Bananas Are the Most Dangerous Fruitthumbsup.png

BY James Manifase

I realize it’s a cliché to trip over a banana peel, but I recently learned that it’s a cliché due to being a realistic danger. Just last week I slipped over 3 bananas peels in the dining hall! That alone makes it far more menacing than non-slippery fruit, such as grapes.

Bananas are also curved in such a way that it can easily be pressed against a person’s neck and block their windpipe from the outside. I watched my uncle die in a domestic dispute when I was three years old. My aunt got angry and pressed my uncle against a wall and held a banana to his neck. I thought bananas were harmless until I watched the life slowly drain out of my uncle’s eyes.

To be fair, my aunt gave me the banana after the incident and it tasted mighty damn good.


lazCantaloupes Are Far More Dangerous

BY Mike Baluta

The guy above mostly is sound and logical, but he appears to have forgotten about the one true terrible fruit. Cantaloupes.

Unlike bananas, cantaloupes grow on vines. Which means overripe cantaloupes will eventually detach from the vine and plummet to the ground. If you just happen to be leaning on the wall directly under the vine, your head will be assaulted by roughly three pounds of food. That’s enough to mildly annoy an eight year old child.

In addition, I have witnessed people slipping on cantaloupes, just as they do bananas. Since they fall to the ground naturally, the danger is greater, as more people will fall over them.

The lesson here, is don’t eat fruit. Fast food is both much safer, and cheaper!

 

Things Millennials Are Doing to Cope With Trump as President

BY White House Intern

-Downloading a widget on my phone that changes Trump to Drumpf every time

-Protesting everything

-More weed

-Becoming more politically apathetic

-Working on applying for citizenship to Canada

-Finding a more natural spray tan

-Lobbying for Trump’s impeachment

-Posting long, moving, effective rants to Facebook that are definitely making changes in the world

Student Joyous Over a ‘Message Failed to Send’ Notification

Latkah
Resident New Kid

NEW BRUNSWICK— C.J. Kumar was found emphatically dancing to K-POP music on the Tuesday morning before her Communication Theory exam outside of Alexander Library on College Avenue.

“I wasn’t even high or anything last night, but I almost sent this embarrassing text message to this guy in my media class,” he told us, “It was suppose to be to my best friend, it read, ‘I heard Idris Elba’s in New York right now. If he’s in New York I’m in New York’ with screenshot of train tickets I’d just bought. I really never thought I’d be so grateful for Rutgers spotty WiFi!”

C.J. claims she went back to studying for her midterm but wondered in the back if her mind as to why her friend never texted back. According to an anonymous source, she loudly proclaimed that she was on a social media cleanse for the rest of the night and fell asleep in the Graduate Reading Room approximately 15 minutes later. Much to the relief of our source, C.J. didn’t snore, albeit, she did sporadically blurt out strings of innocuous Korean phrases. Our source finds it important to assert that she knows this because her parents speak Korean and not because she is a fan of K-Pop.

The morning after these events took place is when C.J. ended her cleanse and proceeded to check for a response from her friends when she opened up her phone and saw the “message failed to send notification.’ on a message she tried sending to her classmate who she declined to identify. We later found out from word mouth on the LX bus that dancing routines had become a common coping mechanism for students specializing in Health and Wellness Communication.

And we would suppose that avoided embarrassment demands a certain degree of coping.
“I bet Idris is still in New York,” she said opening up her iMessage app, “I should text my friend asking if she still wants to go.” When we reminded her that she had an exam today she exclaimed what we presume to be a Korean expletive and took off running towards the general direction or the Voorhees Mall.

C. J. also added later in an email to The Medium, “Mom, if you’re reading this by high I meant I was on the top floor of Alex. It has 83 floors you know. I actually got lost last week on my way to my Planet Earth exam, which is why I might have failed. They said it was going to be an easy A!”