BY Jimmy Bernard
All right, so I’m thoroughly confused. As a millennial caught up in this fast paced world of consumerism who only skims the top of the news cycle without doing much subsequent research, I’ve always been told by the media outlets I specifically follow in my curated life—therefore have always independently thought—that Lindsey Graham is basically the equivalent of one of Satan’s hemorrhoids.
Then I went on Twitter the other day, and now I don’t know what to think. Lindsey Graham had a string of really cool and sarcastic Tweets! I’m cool and sarcastic! I never thought I’d find Lindsey Graham—a human version of a retarded Southern Bullfrog shitting on a decaying log—relatable. He retweeted an article from The Onion while simultaneously standing up to Donald Trump. Then he kept going after him on Twitter, including one where he talked about tequila and wrote in broken, semi-offensive Spanish. That’s relatable to the younger generation! Plus, Graham is a Republican. So is Trump. Graham stood up for his beliefs, kind of. What is going on?
As a keen, self-indulging millennial looking for any bandwagon to latch my short attention span to, I figured Graham actually isn’t that bad, and he has just gotten a bad rap this entire time. So, as a result, I actually decided to do some research. From what I found, I realize why I’ve never done research to substantiate my beliefs before.
He wants to defund Planned Parenthood because “they harvest organs of the unborn.” He also opposes expanded background checks when purchasing a gun. But then, against my better judgment, I did more research. He is for background checks on the mentally ill. He also recognizes climate change. He wants to create a safe haven for refugees, but not let them in the U.S.
I need an answer! I need to be told what to think! It’s so much easier when issues are black and white and I just decide what to think based on some unfounded, instantaneous reaction to current events.
I finally went back to Twitter, hoping to get a firm answer from one of his newer Tweets, but I saw he t jmweeted support of that Betsy DeVos lady. She sucks, right? So Lindsey Graham sucks, too…right? That’s what I’ve been told by the people I choose to listen to.
I’m lost, and I don’t know where to go. I thought I could blindly trust Twitter, but I guess not. Damn you, Lindsey Graham. Damn you.