Tag Archives: Washington DC

Studies Show Trump Physically Unable to Comprehend Tragedies in Developing Countries

BY Caillou
Real Good Listener

WASHINGTON D.C.— Tuesday morning at 9 am, researchers revealed the results of a year-long study on Trump, concluding that the 45th President of the United States is unable to mentally process tragedies that occur in developing countries. This has confirmed theories developed by many scientists around the globe as to why someone so active on social media refuses to comment on anything both not American and not white.

An excerpt of the study describes some of the methodology used, “The subject was placed in a neutral room containing only two chairs. Every 15 minutes, a researcher would go into the room and mention a topic, such as CNN, nuclear weaponry, or Putin. The only tests inciting abnormal reactions involved the subject ‘Somalia bombings,’ where the subject’s eyes glazed over, its body slouched over, and hands twitched every few seconds. The subject would sustain this posture until a team member would mention Kaepernick. The subject would then react in an established fashion as if nothing had happened.”

White House staff have begun taking measures to work around the president’s newly discovered disability. Press secretary Sarah Sanders announced, “The United States will not be halted by our president’s mental disorder. The US will persevere through tragedies such as Somalia’s truck bombing, and will not let the death of hundreds of third-world citizens stop us from making this country great again.”

Citizens across America have been announcing they suffer from a similar disease, as Alabaman Billy McBowell said, “Yeah these fellas over the sea, their problems just don’t do anything for me, y’know. If it ain’t about the death of our national anthem, then you can forget about it,” he stated as he set up his American flag rifle targets.

As of press time, no one has mentioned to the president that he has this disability.

Trump Bans Citizens of Puerto Rico Labeling Them as ‘Second Class Mexicans’

BY The Ghosts of the Founding Fathers
Loves AR15’s

WASHINGTON — In the latest natural devastation that is Hurricane Maria, President Trump is taking quick precautions to prevent all the Puerto Rican refugees from coming into mainland United States. “We don’t want these island Mexicans to come to our country and take our jobs. We don’t want their salsa music and bad English to infect our airwaves.” Trump’s proposed wall wouldn’t just be a metal fence with barbed wires. It would be “a fully armored fortress complete with neo-Nazi’s, klansman and very fine people on both sides,” armed with tiki torches securing the parameters. All groups will also be unionized and are guaranteed vouchers for burritos or soft shelled tacos for every fortress hopper that they kill because fuck hard shelled tacos.

As Trump sent out his executive order, it was immediately shut down by Congress. Trump, dumbfounded, went on a tweetstorm where called all Puerto Ricans “…lame, tanned Floridians.” He then proceeded called meetings with all of his consultants to decide the most efficient way of denying help to the citizens of Puerto Rico.

As Trump continued his fit of rage, Hurricane Maria devastated mainland Puerto Rico. Since he could not find the support he needed for wall 2.0 he signed another executive order to take away the passports of every Puerto Rican on the island. Along with that, Trump also added Puerto Rico to the travel ban. Still being completely oblivious that Puerto Ricans are American citizens and cannot be banned from entering the mainland US, Trump is confident that this bill will pass in it’s entirety citing his past complete disregard of the law.

Sean Spicer Writes Children’s Book

BY Barbara Not Walters
Eyebrow Expert

WASHINGTON D.C. – National Press Secretary Sean Spicer is preparing to branch out from his White House position, and has started by writing his very own children’s book. The 8-page picture book, titled “Chicken Soup for the Repressed Soul,” has been a passion project for Spicer.

“As a kid, I never read any books that I felt were relatable I mean come on, ‘The Giving Tree,’ ‘Charlotte’s Web,” fucking ‘Night’ by Elie Wiesel?! How could anyone expect me to relate to that? That’s why I wrote my book I wanted little angry white kids across the country to understand the pain of not being able to speak a proper sentence,” Spicer said in a long, drawn out statement.

Spicer has been under fire lately for controversial statements made during his press conferences, and many have suspected that his time as Press Secretary is coming to an end. Acknowledging such, Spicer apparently decided that now was the time to get his book published, despite everyone around him begging him not to.

“Chicken Soup for the Repressed Soul” chronicles the quest of a pudgy, red-faced young boy as he searches for a bowl of chicken soup not made at a Chinese restaurant.

“I truly hope that my book becomes a success, and is taught in various concentration camps wait shit, that’s not what I meant obviously I mean Holocaust Centers, I hear kids learn a lot at those place and I fully support them in every way someone please help me I cannot stop talking this has been a constant problem my entire life is this punishment for not reading ‘Anne Frank’ as a kid oh fuck fuck.”

contrary to popular belief america is doing just fine

Grind All
America’s Correspondent

WASHINGTON–According to multiple sources America is on the brink of falling apart. News reports explaining a shooting at an elementary school, a video of a man being forcibly removed from a United flight for no reason, and an attack on the Syrian government which may or may not start WWIII have been running rampant through television networks as well as Twitter.

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DOING GOOD Look how pumped that dude is!

This is all fake news. The true news is that America is doing just fine! Other news reports detail how fine America is by focusing on stories like the return of Prison Break and Kylie Jenner finally getting her own show.

The confusion of the American state can be seen throughout the nation. Tweets from Massachusetts to Hawaii have showed citizens expressing their fear and sadness in regards to the state of the Union. This all however is unfounded. The reality of the Union is that everything is going great and no one should be worried at all!

The new iPhone is coming out! In truth, how can a nation that is unveiling the new iPhone being in turmoil? It’s not possible.

Some more proof that America is seriously doing just fine is that Mariah Carey, yes the Mimi, is coming out with a new album this year! Sources in Washington have said that an album from the pop diva could do wonders for the American economy and right every wrong ever done.

More examples of America’s prosperity can be seen in the common supermarket. Reports have shown that the amount of strawberries available for purchase in 2017 has risen 200% from where it was in 2016. The ability to get almost a hundred pound of strawberries at any given time regardless of geographic location in the US is a true testament to how fine the country is.

America is just fine just ask Kendall Jenner.

Trump Fills Out Uber-White Jai Alai Tournament Bracket Over NCAA Tournament

BY Throb Lowe
Dropped as a Child

WASHINGTON D.C.— Rather than participate in the annual tournament that unites the nation, Trump has elected to make picks in the World Cup of Jai Alai over the NCAA March Madness tournament.

During a White House press conference a confused and sweaty Sean Spicer told the press “more people pay attention to Jai Alai than they do to college basketball. The numbers show that more people attend the World Cup of Jai Alai than they do the NAACP basketball tournament, and that’s a fact.”

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LIVIN’ THE JAI-LIFE Trump taking another break from “running” the country

The World Cup of Jai Alai, hosted at a private estate in Moscow, is set to begin two days after the NCAA basketball tournament ends, giving Trump almost no excuse not to participate. Rather than choosing Duke or Syracuse to win his bracket, the President reportedly chose Jon Denning to win the WCJA.

In a diarrhetic middle-of-the-night stream of tweets Trump informed the people that “Basketball is failing! Jai Alai is a $3.2 billion dollar industry, NCAA has never come close! SAD.”

ESPN analysts didn’t know what to make of Trump’s prediction of an early round fall of Timofy Carcello because not a single analyst knew who that was. In fact, a total of four employees at ESPN knew what Jai Alai was.

NASA Plans to Land on Mark by 2050

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Simulated image of astronaut planting American flag on Mark

BY Jimbo Frugaloop

WASHINGTON D.C.- NASA has officially announced Tuesday at 9:30 AM that they plan on finally putting a man on Mark by the year 2050. The exciting news was posted on NASA’s official twitter account, along with the accompanied simulated image of the event seen here. While many believe this goal to be impractical, engineers at NASA are remaining optimistic, and promise to be hard at work these coming years in order to make this dream a reality. While the benefits that Mark promises are not resource heavy, the achievement would be a huge feat in the history of mankind. NASA hopes this project could provide insight into means of reaching further out bodies such as Juniper and Stan, and perhaps in the near future we may even see human colonies residing on these beautiful and mysterious objects. More news sure to follow in the upcoming months.