Tag Archives: President Barack Obama

Soggy Loaf of Bread Announced as 2017 Commencement Speaker

Grind All
Bitter Senior

NEW BRUNSWICK—Just last week Rutgers announced the commencement speaker for the class of 2017. Expectations were high especially after 2016’s event in which President Obama took the stage to celebrate the schools 250th anniversary. Living up to true Rutgers fashion, the school announced their next commencement speaker to be a soggy piece of bread.

“This decision comes after much debate between the student body and the Board of Governors,” says President Barchi. “But after weeks of arguing we agreed that the best way to sum up and, unfortunately for those graduating, to say farewell to Rutgers is to have a soggy loaf of bread be our speaker.”

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MR. SOGGY LOAF Soggy Loaf tweeted this image after the annoucement of his speech

According to other news outlets, an actor from the Sopranos was also in the running to be the speaker but lost when he was considered “too irrelevant” for most of the student body.

“We really wanted someone who everyone could relate to,” said student body President Karen Jackson. “While we may be missing some kids who are gluten-free we are really hitting the nail on the head with everyone else!”

Sources close to the board say that the soggy loaf of bread currently resides in Brower dining hall, making it a true insider into how the Rutgers world works. The moist loaf can often be seen keeping a watchful eye on all who pass the sandwich station in the back corner of Brower.

“I’m just so shocked,” said the bread in an exclusive interview. “I’ve been around here for a long time and I’ve seen everything from Rutgers-Fest to the DDoS blackout, but I never thought I would be chosen to officiate the ceremony that gives these kids away to the real world.”

Since the announcement, Rutgers students have had mixed reactions. While some more competent students who had already completely given up on Rutgers, simply blamed the classic RU screw, others were more reluctant to do so. Talks of protests are currently circulating around campus. Whether or not the protests will be as large as the ones produced when Condoleezza Rice was announced is unclear.

Soggy Loaf will reportedly make focus its speech heavily on the demise of America as it is consumed by the ever-persistent greed that capitalism fosters, a topic that will truly touch the hearts of all who hear it and inspire every graduating student to succeed beyond Rutgers.

White Men Finally Feel Safe In United States of America

BY Arthur Case
Aging White Man

UNITED STATES—A week after the conclusion of the most intense presidential election quite possibly in history, the smoke is starting to clear and citizens of the US are starting to realize who they’ve elected.

President-Elect Donald Trump has made it abundantly clear that he has no interest in the well-being of Hispanic people, Muslims, women, gay people, immigrants, refugees, or (probably) Jews. However, he does truly resonate with the nations most oppressed group— white, middle class men.

“I just think he really gets it,” says local white man and All Lives Matter Facebook activist Ernie Smith. “He understands that we need to protect this country from terrorism, and that’s why we can’t let any Muslims into our beautiful country.”whitemen

Smith, who describes himself enthusiastically as “not racist,” is excited for his 7 year old son, Michael, to witness the first white president of his lifetime. “It’s going to be great. I think Trump is going to do a great job as president. I’m excited for my son to finally have his country back. We’re going to do great things.”

Smith says he is extremely optimistic that Trump can unite our beloved country.

Gary Johnson Elected as 45th President of the United States

BY Jill Stein
Sad White Dude

SALT LAKE CITY—Last night, in a shocking upset, Gary Johnson won the election for President of the United States of America. After an election season unlike anything seen before in American history, the people of the USA can finally take a deep breath before reflecting on the impending shitstorm that they have brought upon their country.

Gary Johnson had been steadily polling at around 4% of the popular vote for the final few months leading up to the election, so it may come as a surprise that he clinched the magic 270 electoral college votes to win the election before any other candidate. Reportedly, it came as a complete shock to most Americans that anyone besides Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton was running.

On Tuesday, many voters walked into the voting booths dejected, knowing that no matter what were to happen that day, America was screwed. They would have to choose between two options they didn’t like.

Local voter Inez Gardner spoke to reporters outside her polling station. “I just remember looking at my ballot and I saw that there were several names in-line with Trump and Clinton. I was shocked,” she recalled, “I remember thinking, ‘Holy fuck, we can just choose someone else?’ So, I went and filled in the first bubble I saw. I didn’t remember his name afterward, but I think it probably was that Gary guy that ended up winning.”

Gardner apparently had no idea that Johnson was running for President. She did, however, express some concern over her vote. “I mean, I hope he’s a good guy. He can’t be possibly worse than the other two, right?”

Reportedly, it wasn’t just Gardner who got so excited upon seeing a different name than Trump or Clinton that they voted for the next name they saw. Millions of Americans ended up voting for Johnson just out of sheer excitement that there was another option. This morning, Google searches for ‘Gary Johnson’ surged by an astronomical seven thousand percent. The American people are desperately researching their new President-Elect in an effort to gain an understanding of the man that they just voted into office.

The new President-Elect is reportedly celebrating his victory by sparking up a huge joint with his campaign staff of four college interns. He has invited the great American people who voted for him to his party but has politely requested that people throw fives for the keg they ordered.

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Clinton Panicking Over Inauguration Outfit

WASHINGTON D.C.- With only two weeks left until this historic election comes to a climactic, earth-shattering end, and Hillary Clinton, confident in her win that she will be our next Commander-in-Chief, is now stressed over a much more daunting objective: High Fashion.

Clinton has made it her prerogative throughout her career and campaign to dress for the job she wants and not the job she has, and in her case the President is one snazzy bitch. However, after nailing her debate attire with the clever red, blue, and white scheme, she now feels that she cannot live up to expectations for her inauguration ceremony.pantsuits.png

“I can’t wait to see how that gorgeous trendsetter is going to look with her fab hand on the bible. It’s basically what I’m looking forward to most this year” says supporter Joana Morrison. Obviously as the first woman in office she could not use the common tactic of alluding to the attires previous presidents chose for their inaugurations, such as Gerald Ford’s reproduction of John F. Kennedy’s famous black shirt/red tie combination. Instead, Hillary will have to break new ground and embrace the spotlight, with a million eyes looking at her outfit and judging her for the choice of pant suit color and matching shoes. While going through the rainbow in her head, our inside sources have found that Clinton has narrowed her choices down to lovable orange, fearless black, and trustworthy green.

“I just have so many good qualities that can be represented through expression in my physical appearance, it’s too difficult a choice! I need something that screams ‘Presidential’ but also says, ‘Hey, I’m just a regular human gal like everyone else’” said Clinton, when asked about her email scandal. Many historians are calling this the most impactful decision that a future president will have to make before entering office, and as the confident and powerful woman that she is, almost everyone believes she can live up to the hype.

Public Can’t Remember Which V.P. is With Which

BY Raul Walker
Stunt Diver

In the raging tire fire that is the 2016 Presidential Election, a shocking revelation came after the announcement of the Vice Presidential Debate. On the periphery of the fire, the two Vice Presidential candidates found themselves to be indiscernible in the eyes of the voters. A codependent poll has shown that a shocking 2 percent of Americans can accurately match the correct Vice Presidential nominee to their Presidential counterpart. The rest of the public has been left in a frenzy trying to determine who to label as a “racist fanatical bigot” and who is the “baby eating traitor to freedom”. Confusion has only compounded as photos of the two sub-candidates began circulating in preparation for their debate. “The overwhelming whiteness of the two really makes them hard to tell apart.” said six year sophomore Martin Straighte. “It’s like you try to look at Kaine’s face and all you see is Trump’s orange glow, you look at Pence’s face and all you see is the red blood of the innocent Americans Hillary let die.”

Both Kaine and Pence have commented on this issue and confessed that they have been having the same issue. “After the debate, I actually went onto Trump’s bus by mistake” recalled Senator Tim Kaine, “We went a fourth of the way to Ohio before anyone of us noticed, Pence was there too and we all just let it ride.”

Pence commented that “I thought I was supposed to be with Hillary. I just saw Trump falling all over himself at the debate and struggled to remember ‘Was this the guy who asked me to run with him?’ luckily I ended up being right. However Kaine being on the bus threw me for a loop.”

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Hillary Clinton Delivers Speech Day After Chemotherapy

BY Not Joe Biden
Not the Vice President

CLEVELAND—After undergoing her first round of chemotherapy for her recently diagnosed non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma (NHL), Hillary Clinton gave a composed, yet admittedly shaky speech. The former Secretary of State’s disheveled appearance startled the crowd, which had no  prior knowledge of her recent diagnosis. Her supporters showed huge admiration for  her returning to the campaign trail so quickly. Coughing and shaking at points in her speech, Clinton’s overall positive attitude made her supporters forget about her illness and refocus on her message. “This country is at a crossroads, and if my recent bout with illness has taught me anything, it is that we can overcome anything if we trust one another, support each other, and embrace each other’s unique differences,” said a resolute Clinton, who managed to stop only thrice to cough up blood into a handkerchief during her speech.

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NOTHING WILL HOLD HER BACK Clinton doesn’t look too hot; we would all agree with that.