Tag Archives: Democrats

NJ Poll Shows Most People Voted for Phil Murphy Because His Name Doesn’t Sound Like a Detention Camp

Sue De Nim
Proud Demoblican

TRENTON— A recent poll regarding the 2017 gubernatorial election between Democrat Phil Murphy and Republican Kim Guadagno suggests that over ninety percent of voters that chose Murphy did so because his last name didn’t sound like a United States detention camp. The election, which occurred on November 7th, had an incredible turnout of over 60 percent of eligible voters. We asked why each individual chose the particular candidate they did, whether it was their domestic policies, their party affiliation, or really just anything about their political stances. Most people said that they really just didn’t want to vote for “the Guantanamo lady.”

“I went out on Tuesday to vote because I’m a good, upstanding American citizen. That’s why I had to vote for the guy with the whitest sounding name ever conceived,” said Jim Johnson. Other voters shared the same sentiment, which is likely what resulted in the landslide victory for the Democrat. We asked if the decision had anything to do with the controversial behavior of Chris Christie, who helped run Guadagno’s campaign, but this wasn’t even a factor for voters.

“As a Muslim, I just didn’t get a good feeling when I saw her name for the first time on the ballot on Tuesday. I know she probably won’t deport me or inflict horrific torturous activity of that with which is reserved for heinous war criminals on me or my family, but am I really about to take that risk?” said Abdul Jamaal al-Saladin. Half the voters seemed to just pick a name at random, regardless of the gut feeling they get when looking at their names.

“I am confident the good citizens of New Jersey chose to elect me to the office of governor because they believe in my progressive positions and my steadfast economic policies,” said governor elect Murphy. “There is no way I was elected at random.”

But it seems like he was, as not a single person was able to convey even the most basic of either of the two candidates policies, and effectively went to the polls with a blindfold over their precious little eyes. Regardless, Murphy plans to enact his first law into action, which he has appropriately called “Murphy’s Law,” which he has stated saying, “I’ve got a really good feeling about it.”

Public Can’t Remember Which V.P. is With Which

BY Raul Walker
Stunt Diver

In the raging tire fire that is the 2016 Presidential Election, a shocking revelation came after the announcement of the Vice Presidential Debate. On the periphery of the fire, the two Vice Presidential candidates found themselves to be indiscernible in the eyes of the voters. A codependent poll has shown that a shocking 2 percent of Americans can accurately match the correct Vice Presidential nominee to their Presidential counterpart. The rest of the public has been left in a frenzy trying to determine who to label as a “racist fanatical bigot” and who is the “baby eating traitor to freedom”. Confusion has only compounded as photos of the two sub-candidates began circulating in preparation for their debate. “The overwhelming whiteness of the two really makes them hard to tell apart.” said six year sophomore Martin Straighte. “It’s like you try to look at Kaine’s face and all you see is Trump’s orange glow, you look at Pence’s face and all you see is the red blood of the innocent Americans Hillary let die.”

Both Kaine and Pence have commented on this issue and confessed that they have been having the same issue. “After the debate, I actually went onto Trump’s bus by mistake” recalled Senator Tim Kaine, “We went a fourth of the way to Ohio before anyone of us noticed, Pence was there too and we all just let it ride.”

Pence commented that “I thought I was supposed to be with Hillary. I just saw Trump falling all over himself at the debate and struggled to remember ‘Was this the guy who asked me to run with him?’ luckily I ended up being right. However Kaine being on the bus threw me for a loop.”

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Go To MartinOMalley.com

BY Martin O’Malley

martinKatie, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. Please come back to me. I’ve given up on my presidential campaign because I now understand how you feel. Have you been watching my debates, Katie? Please, if you haven’t been watching my debates, I need to you to log on to my website, sweetheart. I poured out my heart on that site. I even published our love letters from high school. I just want you to go to MartinOMalley.com so you can know how much I love you.

Do you remember Thursday afternoons under the Maryland skies? Frosty Saturday mornings cheering on the Terrapins? Cozy Friday nights by the fireside? I remember them, Katie, and I know you do too. Think of all the happy times we had together. Sometimes I cry to myself, going through our photo albums on my website, MartinOMalley.com. Please baby, just go online, and navigate to “Katie, Please Come Back” on the side bar. You don’t even need to make a campaign donation (although it would be much appreciated if you did; in fact, please pass this on to your friends if you can). I just want you to know how sorry I am.

As the governor of Maryland since 2006, I successfully balanced an executive budget for the past decade, and I also intend to balance our marriage, Katie. Though I have a full set of qualifications, which can be found on my campagin site, MartinOMalley.com, it takes two candidates to run a marriage. When I’m elected President, Hillary may want to be my Vice President, but you will always be the VP of my heart. I know I left you to chase Washington, but you didn’t need to leave me for that.