Category Archives: Volume LIII Issue VIII

Class Too Small to Go Without Acknowledging Professor

BY Dale
Just Wants a Hula Hoop

NEW BRUNSWICK — Just before walking into class, junior Adrianna Canillo was forced to put on a half-smile and wave uninspiringly as she passed her professor of Sports Writing and Reporting, a class of only 25 people.

Canillo arrived to class early and walked by her professor, Allen Roberts, sitting outside class. The two made eye contact, and because the class is so small, were forced to make light of each other’s presence.

“Yeah this is the only reason why large classes are better,” said Canillo, who is majoring in Journalism and Media Studies. “In those classes I can walk by my professors and ignore them without a problem. But in these small classes, I feel so awkward if I do that.”

According to multiple student reports, there is always a moment of hesitancy when seeing professors of small classes outside of the classroom. Students usually first analyze their relationship with the professor, physical distance from the professor and whether or not the professor is interacting with other people.

“I usually try to go on my phone or put my in earbuds,” said Canillo, who is now too deep into her major to take large classes, which would negate this issue. “But in this case, I didn’t have time. He was like right there. I’ve only spoken up in class like three times, so I didn’t know if he recognized me or not. I panicked.”

Canillo apparently felt incredibly uncomfortable during her awkward greeting. Her relationship with the professor is neither too distant to warrant ignoring him, nor close enough to demand a friendly gesture.

“Honestly I wish I just ignored him,” added Canillo. “What was I thinking. Now he’s gonna expect something from me in class. I just sit there and go on my phone and search for internships. This wave is gonna change everything.”

Hobbs hires staff to boost athlete performance

BY Kevin McClintock
Sports Editor

Following the close to the Men’s Basketball season, Athletic Director Patrick Hobbs announced to Rutgers fans that he will begin getting professionals to work more intimately with the major Rutgers sports in an effort to help build better teams in the upcoming fall seasons.

The atmosphere surrounding Rutgers athletics has been dower since the move to the Big Ten. Despite the success of both Men’s Wrestling and Lacrosse, student and fan turnout has been uncommonly low in the schools big earners Football and Basketball. Under a myriad of scandals and team restructuring, poor performance has resulted in a student body who are wholly negative towards the two largest college sports.

Athletic Director Patrick Hobbs announcing his innovative new strategy to help give BIG TEN Rutgers a big boost

Hobbs told reporters that he has taken note of the current stigma of these sports teams and their impact on ticket sales. “It’s not been an easy few years” Hobbs remarked, “With the physical abuse of basketball players by a coach and the arrest of seven football players for burglary, moral among the students has soured. The players notice it the most.”

As part of a new initiative set by Athletic Director Hobbs, he will begin hiring more specialized staff to begin taking more of a personal roles in the operations of the teams. These experts hired out of New York City will help boost performance by working directly with the players to help them perform better as college athletes and as students.

Working both one-on-one and in groups, Hobbs hopes these new staff members will be the foundation of building more productive sports programs by fostering better student athletes.

Many coaches have expressed doubts about Hobbs’s new method as it could conflict with the programs already set in. Football coach Samuel Wettburg recalls the first day under the new program, “So Hobbs just walks into the locker room with ten prostitutes and tells the players to go nuts. No pep-talk, no game plan, just lets them fuck hookers.”

Hobbs defends his new program saying that it provides athletes with a much need confidence boost and promotes physical fitness telling the press that “Look, with how their seasons have gone many of these guys haven’t touched a woman in months. I’m trying to have our guys get as much action as those from other colleges. Have you see that porno with that lineman from Michigan?”

When it comes the working girls that have joined the program have expressed gratitude towards the opportunity. Long time prostitute Sapphire calls the program a “Really good deal, most of the time we get old bankers and US senators. It’s nice to be with kids to put some effort in and finish quickly.”

New Brunswick PD has made no attempts to remove the prostitution ring for most of the department “feels for the kids” and have decided to let it slide.

Those with AIDs who have sex, donate blood do not have to disclose disease

Since the mid-twentieth century, HIV/AIDS has killed about 39 million people. However, despite the prevalence of the disease, few people are often informed about it. HIV is a virus that affects the immune system by attacking vital cells, allowing the body to become progressively more vulnerable to infections. Over time, HIV can lead to the disease known as AIDS, which is the eighth leading cause of death for people between the ages of 25 and 34. The effects of this awful diseases are not lost on anyone, and despite what some may believe, the Senate is not trying to dampen the seriousness of this disease. While state lawmakers may be trying to pass a law that would decrease the criminalization of those who are afflicted with the disease and have unprotected sex without disclosing, it is ridiculous to think that this issue is being “downplayed.”

Let’s start with this: when a person donates blood they are usually given a series of short tests to check their iron levels, as well as checking to see if the donor is ill. Despite this, there are certain things that cannot be detected immediately, including HIV/AIDS. Therefore, while a person may be allowed to donate blood that very day, it does not always mean that blood may be used. So I will spell this out. The fucking Red Cross does not just accept blood and then give it Johnny from the Block without testing it. Donated blood is always tested for disease.

Here’s another thing, it is going to be a misdemeanor to infect someone with the disease. But can we think about the fact that HIV can remain latent for years after the initial exposure. SO yes, it is wrong to knowingly infect someone with such a life-threatening disease, but not every case is so black and white. Also, the Senate is just a lot fucking smarter than some college journalists, ok?

Honestly, I am just way too annoyed to even continue. I know my rant doesn’t make a lot of sense, but I am being passionate!!! Fuck you guys, fuck anyone who disagrees with me. I hate you all.

I’m Having a Spiritual Crisis

BY Callista Moonchildcallista

I’ve been really into energy and chakras for most of my life. I wanted to go to Tibet or wherever to learn more about string theory after high school but my parents are doctors. So here I am at Rutgers giving pre-med a shot. I am taking chemistry 161 right now and I have to say its a very one sided class. Science is a belief system, much like Christianity or September 11, 2001; It’s unverifiable and all rests in theory. In chemistry, we are taught by these “professors,” that all substances are composed of different combinations of these things called atoms which are made up of “some-atomic-particles.” Only three things make up the entire world? Yeah, okay. I can easily name three things other than protons, neutrons, and electrons that exist right now. I tried telling this to my class and there was a great silence before an onslaught of laughter. I was then told that all we were learning was scientific fact and that atoms were very real and they made up everything tangible. Oh really? I’ve never seen an atom in my life and I don’t know a single person that has. I asked my professor to show me an atom and he couldn’t. Even though I clearly won the argument I was dismissed.

You know, my soul came to this country in the form of a human baby because I wanted to enjoy religious freedom just like everyone else. I see now that so many people subscribe to science that true ideological freedom cannot be found here. I emailed my professor telling him I don’t believe in this stuff and that my exams have to be adjusted accordingly. When the day of the exam came I found no response to my message. Taking the test I could only answer along the lines of what I knew to be true. Every question was multiple choice though and I don’t believe in limitations like that so I wrote an essay on how the entirety of the universe is really made up of energies like fire and spirit force. I should get a decent grade I think. If not, then I am going straight to the dean. I am a strong lion spirit and I will find my have my beliefs respected.

Callista Moonchild is a 5th year Senior studying Eastern Philosophy in the School of Arts and Sciences.

Conservatives have to continue on together: Conservative Cold Takes

BY Danielle Misformurder

I’ve been reading into Conservatism recently, and I realized, that we need to stay together. Recently, we’ve been attacked by libtards, snowflakes and all those other rational, respectful people who have proper views that don’t discriminate or hate entire ethnic groups. They may think what they’re doing is correct, but they are absolutely wrong.

We need to stay together. I’m sure you’re fully aware that this is obvious but it needs to be reiterated. Think about conservatism not staying together. In that case, we won’t even be conservatives anymore.

I want you to understand that I am conservative not because I want to be, but because I need to be. Without conservatism, what will conservatives do? Probably continue to be conservative but that’s not the point. The point is that without conservatism…well shit.

I just want to take this one paragraph to talk about Conservative Cold Subs, my new business venture. It will be similar to Subway, Quiznos or Jimmy John’s, but there will only be cold subs, none of that hot sub bullshit. Hot subs are for minorities. So come down to Conservative Cold Subs, where minorities use the back door. Anyway, back to the article.

I want you to understand that Reagan was a good guy. So was H.W, read my lips, no new taxes! Remember, that’s what conservatism is about, it’s about living in the past and not accepting the future.

Paul Ryan needs our help, and I know that we are going to stay together, because conservatism is about staying together, as white males, to help prevent all those other ethnic, racial and religious groups from getting equal footing in society. As long as we stick together, we can keep all those groups down, and make ourselves stay atop society, our whiteful spot.

Also, just one more time, come down to Conservative Cold Subs, for more Conservative Cold Takes. We know you want to keep agreeing with the intelligence that oozes out of my mouth. I am a wise wise woman, and you should come down to my sandwich emporium to keep hearing my intelligence.

I love you all, shoutout to Tomi Lahren, the original conservative cold take genius.

Danielle Misformurder is a Junior studying Reaganomics in the School of Arts and Sciences. She has no original thoughts and once a week, on Wednesdays, is able to come up with an incredibly unintelligent and unoriginal column about conservatives.

I Do Not Believe in Conspiracy Theories

BY Louis Moresonfui

Listen man. I don’t know how into conspiracy theories you get, man. 9/11, Kennedy’s assassination, aliens, Flat Earth, Area 51, and of course, the entirety of Judaism. I’m pretty well versed in conspiracy theories, man. But let me just say, I might know a lot about them, but that’s only because you’ve got to research something if you don’t agree with it. It helps build your case against it even more. You know what I’m talking about man? I bet you do. But if you don’t, let me spell it out for you.

Remember when I said that you got to research something to disagree with it? I bet you do, you’re a smart cookie, man. You see, I’ve researched every conspiracy theory I could get my hands on for the past decade or so and I think I’ve made a startling discovery. Before I get to this, let me just state that by researching this, I know I’ve already made enemies, and I know that by writing and publishing this, they will come after me. I do not fear them, the truth must be out there, however, to protect myself, by the time you get to read this, I will have attempted to flee to somewhere safe. If I am found dead, know that no matter what THEY say, I was murdered. Tell my story, spread awareness, man.

Are you ready for my game-changing discovery? Conspiracy theories aren’t real man. Every conspiracy theory is actually fabricated by Reynolds and the other foil companies. They know that if they create these conspiracy theories, people will buy more of their product because everyone knows that the aluminum and tin foil that conspiracy theorists wear on their heads block out radio waves from the government, aliens and the Jews. That’s false. We think that that’s what goes on, but in reality, those companies are working with those groups and the foils actually amplify those waves, man. Big Foil is in on all of this because they know their products, that they created in labs, without gods, can allow people to track conspiracy theorists. They let the government and the Jews do this because they know that they will sell more foil. Big Foil is the main creator of these conspiracy theories. They are making billions every year in sales from those crazy conspiracy theorists who believe all that crap.

I know that you might think I’m crazy, but I know this is real, and I know that you deserve to know this, man. Conspiracy theorists are all insane and they deserve to know this. They need to know that Big Foil is brainwashing them into buying foil so they can make money and so the Aliens and Jews get the information they need to control the planet and our minds. Please, let everyone know what is going on. Everyone needs to know that Big Foil is behind everything. We can put a stop to this. Conspiracy theory nut jobs are crazy, but they are people too, man. They need to know that Big Foil is benefiting from them, man. Trust me. Big Foil is evil, we can save the world from Big Foil, man.


BY Grind All
Bitter That She Got 99 Likes

Three days ago, 21 year old Abigail Williams reached an epic milestone of validation by getting 100 likes on her Instagram post. This comes after being an active member of the Instagram community for the past four years. Despite this, the milestone of reaching 100 likes seemed elusive to the college student. instalikes.png

“It seemed like everyone was getting a hundred plus likes on every photo and I couldn’t even get past 60” she said. “I talked to my roommate about it and she said to just keep believing in myself and that one day it would finally happen. She turned out to be right!”

Williams had gone home this past weekend to see her little brothers school play. While she was there she decided to take a picture with her new family dog, a golden retriever puppy named Lola. Williams posted the photo which showed her hugging Lola with the caption “puppy :)!” at approximately 4:13 pm Sunday afternoon. It was then that she had to wait an agonizing 5 hours and 34 minutes until her post finally reached the 100 likes. The photo also accumulated 5 comments, another career high, which all lamented about how cute the new family dog was.

“It was really nerve wracking but also really exciting,” said Williams. “I mean if I get less than 50 likes I delete the post because obviously I look like an ogre or something, but all of the sudden I started climbing up like ladder of likes and I could hardly look away from my phone!”

Williams has never reached 100 likes before which naturally makes this a monumental moment in her social media career.

“I’m thinking of changing my major to marketing now!” Williams continued.
With this new sense of validation Williams will finally be able to live a less stressful life for two days scientists say. After those two days the haunting thought of “having already peaked” and desperate attempts to reach the same height of likes again are sure to overcome Williams but for these next two days she will feel the great sense of validation that can only come with reaching 100 likes on an Instagram post.

“I just want to thank everyone who took less than a second out of their day to double tap my picture,” said Williams. “I’m so honored and want everyone to know that I will be double tapping every single one of their pictures too.”

Sources say that Williams is already making plans for her next Instagram post which will feature her dog Lola again except this time on the beach.