This just in!!! Hello my name is Bill Levy I’m the new PR guy for the widely known “Enforcement” Group, ISIS. I’m writing this editorial to inform you that ISIS is putting down the guns and “setting their sights” on your stomachs! Introducing ISIS Cream!! “The tasty treat you fat Western Devils can enjoy!” (their words) [Translated] There’s no need for fear, now the only “head pain” you’ll experience from us is brain freeze! Now in a variety of flavors including: Cave Sweat (With Pistachios), Rocket Launcher Sherbet, Falafel Chip Cookie Dough, and Journalist Softserve! Proceeds from each pint will go towards funding more innovations in the ISIS brand including DPGs (Dairy Propelled Goodness) a device that can fire ice cream at speeds of 60 mph, Sherbet Bomber Planes, and new motivational posters for the compound. So order now….or else!
BY Grind All
Does the Shitty Thing
WASHINGTON D.C. – In a leaked video showing a secret meeting between leaders of the radical Islamic terrorist group ISIS, the group declared that they would be leaving America out of their quest for complete destruction of the world.
The video showed leader Saajid Yousif stating that ever since Trump’s election the country has been falling apart all without any influence from the outside world.
“Look at them!” cried Yousif. “They’re a fucking mess. Not only are there protests every goddamned day but they couldn’t even give Beyonce the record of the year at the Grammy’s! That place is going to shit all by itself, we should focus our attention elsewhere.”
This declaration comes after the first turbulent month of Trump’s presidency. Since taking office Trump has attempted to issue a travel ban on Muslims, start a war with the press, and break ties with important allies. The most recent scandal shows Trump citing a Fox News story during a press conference which falsely claimed that Sweden was under distress from taking in too many immigrants. The statement caused uproar from Swedish government officials who attacked the statements false merits while the rest of the world laughed at the elected American leader for being so, so stupid.
“They are ruining themselves,” continued Yousif. “I mean do they really think that a guy who listens to Fox News is going to lead them to the promise land? I mean we’re pretty radical but we can fucking see how stupid Fox News is- they’re going down with or without us, why exhaust ourselves?”
This video very obviously comes as a shock to most of America.
“How could they not want to fuck us up?!” cried internet chat room user Dikzout4Harambe. “America’s the center of this fucking planet! How could they not care about us?!”
While most American’s reactions have shown to agree with Dikzout4Harambe the rest of the world seems to understand ISIS’s point of view. Tweets from countries such as Ireland, Japan, and Australia show how the rest the world has responded to the news.
“Honestly same ISIS America’s a MESS #beyhive” said a tweet from Irish user @KellyStone which then went viral being retweeted over 2,000 times.
President Trump has yet to formally address the video but sent out a tweet at 3:05 am last night saying “ISIS is just playing hard to get! We will continue to make America great again! And ISIS will be begging to be destroyed by us!”
Your Mom’s Lesbian Friend Janice
YOUR HOMETOWN -Just as it seems all hope has been lost for Syrian refugees, in lieu of the immigration ban set by President Trump, a light at the end of the tunnel has been spotted. Deborah Thomas, 51 year old mother of four, liked an image of a crying Middle Eastern child on Facebook to show her support. The image has been circulating social media for quite some time now, but this particular image was paired with the text “Please like to show support for the Syrian refugees.” Deborah being the wholesome Christian woman she is felt an overwhelming wave of emotion when the image appeared on her Facebook feed.
“It was almost like seeing one of those Sarah McLaughlin ASPCA commercials, but not as sad,” said Thomas. Although liking the picture doesn’t directly, or indirectly help the cause of the refugees, Deborah Thomas held her chin high, feeling as if she made a real difference.
“I don’t want to be regarded as a hero or anything, I just think it’s time to help those Libyans or wherever it is they’re from. They all kinda blend together, you know?”
The 51 year old said she even felt compelled to share it, but had already shared an image of a really cute Corgi-Golden retriever mix, and didn’t want to bombard all 24 of her Facebook friends with “a bunch of random shit.”
Upon further investigation, the crying child depicted in the image actually isn’t Syrian, but Argentinian, and was crying after Germany won 4-0 against Argentina in the 2010 world cup. Regardless, the idea of compassion was there, and that’s how Deborah Thomas played her part in removing ISIS and helping the Syrian children.
BY Bob Ross
SYRIA—After Saturday’s loss against Illinois, ISIL caliphate Abu al-Baghdadi has declared a fatwa on Rutgers football coach Chris Ash. Despite multiple claims that Ash will “super duper positively guarantee a win” last weeks game, al-Baghdadi has shifted the blame on the Rutgers Football team rather than all of America in general.
Twitter reports claim after al-Baghdadi’s second jerk-off sesh, he sat down to watch the Illinois-Rutgers game with “very high” expectations. I personally traveled to Mosul to interview various ISIL freedom fighters. One of them who was in the same room when al-Baghdadi was watching claimed, “We were just watching the game, drinking some brews, regular man shit when Big AlBagh over there just starting flippin’ his shit.
“Spilling his bud light all over the leather couch. Kept screaming Ash was a fucking pussy. It was super scary, I didn’t say anything.”
It was alleged that after the freak out, Baghdadi immediately declared the fatwa. About six or seven beers in, Baghdadi reportedly kept shouting, “Oh my Allah! I am so fucking pissed off. I need a cigarette. Does anyone have a fucking cigarette? HAllah back if you do.”
“I’m just so relieved that I don’t have to be afraid of getting bombed in the middle of Time Square or something now. The blame’s all on Ash now, not me”, said one Rutgers student when asked about the fatwa. Many are jubilant about ISIL’s apparent end of hostilities, stating in a press conference, “we don’t give two fucks about anything except for Chris Ash’s headless body.” ISIL has called onto all Rutgers students to pull a Salman Rushdie, but this time to not fuck it up. They guaranteed the first to decapitate him will receive 73 virgins.
Chris Ash, interviewed in an undisclosed location (102 College Ave.), stated, “I have my utmost faith in the Rutgers community to never negotiate with terrorists and I know that hopefully our next game against Penn state will be a guaranteed win. You can bet your sweet patootie we will!”
Tired of Yo Shit
WASHINGTON—The release of Donald Trump’s recordings have continued to cause more backlash for the candidate and the GOP. Perhaps just as important, however, is the rise of sexual assaults that have occurred since the recordings were released.
Previously, it had been reported by the Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network, also known as RAINN, that an American is sexually assaulted every 109 seconds.
Since the release of Trump’s “locker room” tape, that has changed to every 0.5 seconds. Anti-Sexual Assault Organizations have said that they believe this is a direct result of the release of a 2005 recording of Donald Trump.
The tape, which includes Trump making vulgar statements about grabbing women “by the pussy,” has reportedly given many American citizens the moral green light to commit or attempt to commit sexual assault.
“From what I gathered, I can’t get into any trouble for forcing myself on women, because everyone will just blame Mexicans, and probably ISIS. All this time I thought I needed a woman’s permission, but what I really needed was a pair of balls. Donald Trump taught me that, and I am thankful,” said Frederick Barron, a self-proclaimed “proud deplorable.”
Despite the overwhelming negative response to Trump’s statements, the GOP still stands by their candidate. Instead, Trump supporters are commending him, stating that the tapes simply further reinforce the notion that Donald Trump “just keeps it real.”
“Yes what Trump said was abhorrent, but Hillary has said and done much worse,” said Trump’s running mate, Mike Pence. “I’ve heard stories about Hillary during her college years, one harrowing story involved a drunk girl who asked Hillary for a hair tie. Hillary denied having a spare, despite wearing at least two on her left wrist. Now I ask you, do you want a president who is so clearly against helping women?”
House Speaker Paul Ryan also had his own share of opinions regarding Trump’s statements.
“His words do not represent the GOP or our beliefs,” said Speaker Ryan. When asked if that meant that he, or the GOP, would rescind their endorsement of Trump, Ryan said, “Well, no…probably not. But we won’t be his cheerleaders either!”
BY Newells Newsmaker
In the Neighborhood
NEW BRUNSWICK— Early on the morning of September 19, RUPD was called to the Douglass parking deck after a report of a balm in an unattended bag. Commuter super senior, Johnny Smith had just exited his 2001 Ford Taurus when he saw a canvas bag in the middle of the parking deck. He approached the bag and noticed a small tube shimmering in the sunlight.
“Yeah man, I saw something in this bag and was like, crap that’s a balm” he promptly called the police, “yeah, my mom always tells me, if I see a balm, that means it’s ISIS and I should report it real quick.”
Officers arrived to the scene with balm dogs and surrounded the suspicious bag covered with buttons of animals dressed in clothes. They quickly contained the balm and identified it as Lipsmackers, Bubblegum flavor.
“Once I saw it was bubblegum flavor, I knew we were dealing with an experienced balmer” commented Officer Rodgers.
The balm was sent to a lab for further examination of ingredients and possible DNA evidence. The culprit is a freshman who dropped her bag in the garage while running to get Dunkin Donuts before her class started. Police have cleared the scene.